Raising a child and crossdressing

[mandm40c]

Alittle back story first. I don't fully dress in public or home. I enjoying wearing skirts, hosiery, lingerie and heels at home and woman's jeans, heels and lingerie in public. I do wear a dress every now and then, but keep that for special occasions. I have a very accepting SO who loves me for me and has no problem with me dressing daily. We recently had a baby, our first, and it got me thinking about how I lived in shame for so many years before telling my SO, doing the whole buy and purge thing and question everything I am suppose to know and do as a man. So I talked to my SO about how I want to live and lead by example, when it comes to raising our children. She understood and agrees with me, we both feel it would be good for the following reasons. Teaches them about accepting people who are different from you and respecting their way of life. Also, to show them they can be whom ever they want or turn out to be and that it is ok to be different from what is considered normal. While I don't plan on doing anything that is obviously embarrassing when the time comes for friends to come over, I question if it is a good idea? My SO and I think it is a good idea, but just curious if anyone else has gone down this road. I've read a lot of post in regards to grown kids, I don't recall any new parents talking about it.

[Zoe B]

I have two children 8 and 6 now and I have always been upfront and honest with them.
Always answered their questions and I can say that it has had no negative effects. My daughter is a happy understanding person and my son is well a typical boy 😉

Jennifer did mention that you would be out to everyone and I fully expected that would happen, surprisingly they have hardly told anyone, no I have never told them to keep secrets.

[LelaK]

It's sometimes in the news that some parents allow their boys to wear dresses when they want to. So I don't see a problem with you dressing as you like at home.

[Jenniferathome]

If you plan on cross dressing at home, then you will have to explain yourself eventually. Very little kids will not see anything unique about this. But you must know that 1) they can not keep secrets, so you WILL BE OUT to everyone and 2) If you ask them to keep this secret, you have just taught them to lie and be ashamed. Unless you plan to dress at home, in front of them, there is no need to tell them.

[AletaHawk]

Kids' inability to keep secrets is exactly why Aleta stays a secret at home, at least for now. Me being outted wouldn't have much of an effect on me personally, but the potential impact on the rest of my family could be huge. It's just not worth the risk.

[carahawkwind]

I have a three year old. Hiding it from her would be basically be impossible short of a purge, she's too curious, too perceptive, too good at getting into things to hide it from her long term. We're kind of easing her into things, I've never dressed in front of her, but she's seen pictures of me dressed and for Halloween I'm doing a gender swap costume with my wife. From what my daughter has seen she's been nothing positive so far. She'll probably out me to someone I don't want to be outed to at some point, but she also has a pretty wild imagination and says all sorts of crazy things, so I might be able to deny it and if not that is fine, I'll deal with it as needed.

[Samantha_Smile]

If you plan on cross dressing at home, then you will have to explain yourself eventually. Very little kids will not see anything unique about this.
But you must know that
1) they can not keep secrets, so you WILL BE OUT to everyone and
2) If you ask them to keep this secret, you have just taught them to lie and be ashamed.

Unless you plan to dress at home, in front of them, there is no need to tell them.

Good response. This is the debate in my mind at this very point.
There IS the option to come out and just have everyone know, then there are no secrets, good, great.
But when they get to school, they will tell other kids, those kids will tell their parents and then come back to school and repeat whatever their parents say to them back to my kid, and you know it will be some hateful, ignorant, hurtful bullshit that's going to make my kid unhappy. ("Your dad is gay" "Your dad is a sh3m4l3" "Your dad is a pervert" and god forbid its a boy because he will get accused of CDing by other kids too - Dick heads raise dick heads unfortunately)
I don't want that either.

I find it sad that you can raise the most open minded, tolerant, intelligent child in the world, and it will all get undone by other children's poor up-bringing.

[Annaliese]

Yes, yes and yes, that is the only way things can change, is to teach our children to be accepting and not accept bullying from anyone.

[mandm40c]

All good responses and Smile, sounds like you and I have the same view point. Our biggest concern is the kid(s) spilling the beans and then getting pick on or bullied by other kids because of narrow minded individuals. Would use some other choice words for those people, but trying to keep it clean. lol I'm very grateful to have a SO who supports living openly and is ok with going down this path in regards to our kid(s). We both feel the exposure from a young age would be better than keeping it a secret and kid(s) discovering at a later age.

[Tiffany Jane]

mandm40c, my son turns one tomorrow and the only thing he has seen me in was a pink camo tshirt and jeans. I have nights after he is in bed were I have dressed and watched tv with my supportive wife. My fears are the same as many here; he'll be teased at at school on my behalf, he will slip and tell family causing a whole other can of worms to be opened, or maybe my biggest fear, he will grow up seemingly unbothered with it, and societal bias and peer opinions later in his life will leave him with a lesser view of his dad based on this activity I do. I know well enough that our reality and perceptions of our parents change as we grow older, so feels like this could be a larger problem.

For disclosure, I don't dress for the appearrance of a woman, just a guy in feminine clothing. No makeup or wig but do shave legs, pits, paint nails, and keep hair very short all the time. Also would aspire to teach him patience, equality, and compassion as well as many of the male traits he will pick up by watching his dad as he grows up.

[mechamoose]

Your kids learn what you teach them. They learn what is 'bad' and what is 'good' from your example.

I have two adult kids and a 13 year old. I wear skirts, camis and painted nails all the time. My 13 year old doesn't blink. My older kids just accept it as ME. I have *always* been 'different', my kids are too. I like to think that they have the courage to be that way because of my example.

YOU teach them what is 'normal'. YOU teach them what is 'right'. YOUR judgments will travel with them their entire lives. If YOU are open, they will be too.

Help make your kids BETTER than you are. Help them learn from your mistakes.

<3

- MM

[Ginger Jameson]

I'm raising two kids (10, 13) and a granddaughter (3). They all know. It was a little hard for my son at first. He didn't find out until recently and was worried that he was about to have three women role models and no males. Its better now.

The other two have been fine with it. For my granddaughter its just who Muhmuh is.

If you can stand being outed to the world, by all means do it. Secrets eat away at the ones who hold them and break the trust of the ones who stumble onto them.

[Sara Jessica]

I follow along with what Jennifer and Samantha said. You seem like you're all good with being "out" but at some point it becomes less about you and more about your kids. Your SO can take care of herself but the children will either have to have ability to face the music on their own or be subject to the torment that children can and will inflict.

My own situation, I'm out & about but not "out". I have no desire to prance around the house in front of my kids, their friends, or anyone else for that matter, presenting as a female. Regardless of what is in my heart, I created my situation and I'm not inclined to do things that will make it more difficult for my wife and children.

[JocelynRenee]

When my wife and I decided that we were no longer comfortable hiding this aspect of my my personality from the world we sat down with our children, ages 6, 7, and 16, and invited their input. Each of them voted for us to be open. They were free to share the information with whomever they chose, and over the years many of their friends grew up knowing - some even bought me feminine gifts. There were no issues with parents or bullying, but there were loads of priceless, teachable moments. If crossdressing is a private affair, a fetish, etc. then keep it private. For the rest of us, though, I strongly support sharing with our children.

No parent wants to be the cause of their child's suffering, but is teaching them not to live a life of truth the answer? In 1960 it was not a popular idea for my white mother to marry my black father. While it may be more acceptable for me to be married to a white woman today, it's still raises eyebrows in some quarters. Our children easily pass as white. Should we have considered hiding my ethnic background to spare them potential bullying? What about the gay uncle, the overweight aunt, or the autistic family friend?

I can't think of any community that should be more invested in teaching tolerance to the next generation. Sheesh, you can't spend 5 minutes here without reading a post lamenting the lack of acceptance. Wanna change the world? Change starts at home.

[Ivie]

It is something I worry about frequently. We have a seven year old girl and a boy approaching two, so as well as wanting to come out to my SO I have the extra feeling that I need to be out to the family while they're still little. Everything I've read suggests that this is much better than when they're older, but then as other posters have said I worry about bullying they might experience. We're not in the trendiest or most enlightened area.
But then again, this is all moot (funny word... moot) until I actually get up the courage to tell my SO in the first place.

So anyways, I think as the two of you are in agreement, then totally, just be yourself it will be better for all.
Love
Ivie
I think my daughter would probably be proud, and defiant in the face of said postulated criticism

[Tinkerbell-GG]

If it's a public identity, tell your kids. If it's a private activity, DON'T tell your kids.

Fairly simple :)

[Beverley Sims]

I am not enthusiastic about the idea having kept it away from my children all the time.

[Suzanne F]

I am out except at work. My 2 older daughters know and have been so loving and supportive. They were raised to be tolerant and accepting of others. I am so proud of them! They genuinely want me to be me. When it became apparent that I was headed toward being out we decided to tell my 11 year old son. It has been the best decision we could have made. I am closer to him now than before. He has learned so much by being part of this journey. Yes I fear that he could suffer because of me being TS but so far that has not happened. I have been to his new school several times as Suzanne with no mishaps. I believe that the benefits of him seeing me meet this challenge outweigh the potential problems.
Suzanne

[Teresa]

Many congratulations on having your first child !

When we had our kids there was so much going on, I set up a new business so I just hid my CDing . Didn't come out to my wife till I was in my forties ! It was difficult enough for my wife to accept it let alone my children to come to terms with it !
Maybe all that was a mistake but my wife and I had had difficult childhoods and realised that having kids and bringing them up well was hard enough ! Kids can encounter enough of their own problems without offloading yours on to them !
Now my children are grown up with their own famillies I can't see the same harm in them knowing about my CDing, but they now have enough on their plates to concern themselves without my problems !

If your kids find out about your CDing, then they know ! Telling them may not achieve anything and even risk you damaging your relationship with them !

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mandm, I have been dressing for almost 68 years and I saw no need to burden
my two daughters both in their late 40s' with this program it was enough of a
burden to drop on wife of 50+ years who has known the whole time.

[Sara Jessica]

No parent wants to be the cause of their child's suffering, but is teaching them not to live a life of truth the answer?

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I totally agree with your POV even though it is the opposite of what I conveyed. I think we're talking about both sides of the same coin. I believe a key point you made is that you and your wife made a decision about telling your children. In my case, my wife says that is not going to happen. So because I am not looking to present as female around my family, it's just as well that we continue on the path we're on. That is not to say though that someday, maybe even someday sooner than later, we might disclose to the children. It is something that both of us need to be on board about.

[BillieJoEllen]

I dressed in front of my daughter until she was about three and a half. Seems she remembered a lot more about my dressing than I wanted her to.

[Felicia Dee]

My SO and I are looking to have our first kid soon so, I've been sweating over this notion myself... my SO says we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but it's still simmering in the back of my mind. I don't want to teach my child to lie and be ashamed. Being "outed" is a non issue for me, except as it pertains to some of our more conservative relations. For now, it's all speculation. If you have any grand revelations or discoveries mandm40c, please let us know. ;) Meantime, I'll be hashing this out in therapy for the foreseeable future, LOL.

[Athena_]

As the father of 3 teenagers, I have remained in stealth mode around the kids over the years. For many of those years, I was in stealth mode around my wife. My current DADT relationship precludes me from dressing when others are around. I will come out to my daughter for sure one day; my sons, I don't think so. I still struggle with the personal shame that I have felt over crossdressing. Our group on this site has helped me enormously not to feel that shame as strongly.

[swansong]

I have two boys, age 2 and 4. They don't know, nor will they until they are much older. For much the same reasons already posted. I don't see the point in giving the bullies ammunition. When they are older and have a little better understanding of the world, I will probably let them know.

[mandm40c]

We are trying to be objective in regards to this decision and not re-act off the fear of what if's. We feel telling our son and any future kids at a young age is better than waiting until they are too old and things become more confusing and hard to accept. However, we our concerned in regards to the potential bully ammunition, but also know it is just 1 thing of the many stupid reasons kids can be bullied. We started looking at a bunch of things kids could use to bully our kids in regards to our current situation that we find ridiculous, regardless if I am open about my dressing. We don't have a new car with every option known to man, so they will be bullied because that means we must be poor. I'm going to be a stay at home dad, while the wife makes the bacon, so I'm sure that is ammunition as well. My wife and I have brown hair and eyes, so if our kids have blond hair and blue eyes, that must mean they are adopted, so the bullying can commence. We plan on not giving our kids unlimited use cell phones when they are 5 years old, so my god, now they won't be cool and the bullying again can commence. My point is, should we stay behind closed doors because we are fearful of how our actions may cause our kids to be bullied? If that's the case, then we wouldn't let are kids out in public, because we will always give ammunition whether we do it intentional or not. So really, what is 1 more thing, if everything we do or provide has the potential to be used as ammunition.

[Dianne S]

I came out to my kids (aged 12, 16 and 20) back in April. They were all unfazed and accepting. The two older ones have told some friends who again were unfazed. However, this question is a serious case of YMMV. You have to consider the environment where you live, the rest of your family members, your friend and colleagues before making the decision to come out to your kids.

[carahawkwind]

We feel telling our son and any future kids at a young age is better than waiting until they are too old and things become more confusing and hard to accept. However, we our concerned in regards to the potential bully ammunition, but also know it is just 1 thing of the many stupid reasons kids can be bullied. We started looking at a bunch of things kids could use to bully our kids in regards to our current situation that we find ridiculous, regardless if I am open about my dressing. We don't have a new car with every option known to man, so they will be bullied because that means we must be poor. I'm going to be a stay at home dad, while the wife makes the bacon, so I'm sure that is ammunition as well. My wife and I have brown hair and eyes, so if our kids have blond hair and blue eyes, that must mean they are adopted, so the bullying can commence. We plan on not giving our kids unlimited use cell phones when they are 5 years old, so my god, now they won't be cool and the bullying again can commence. My point is, should we stay behind closed doors because we are fearful of how our actions may cause our kids to be bullied? If that's the case, then we wouldn't let are kids out in public, because we will always give ammunition whether we do it intentional or not. So really, what is 1 more thing, if everything we do or provide has the potential to be used as ammunition.

I mostly agree with this, kids find a million reasons to bully other kids, and being able to cope with bullying is pretty much an essential skill no matter who you are. I also think in the specific case of my daughter, she's going to have strong, unique personality, both of her parents do and that is even after years and years of them being encouraged to repress it, which we'll be trying not to do to her; at some point she'll likely be bullied no matter what, but ideally she'll also be clever enough, strong enough and have the support she needs to handle it.

[heatherdress]

If you tell your children, then you are passing on a burden from you that they will have to live with. It is naïve to think you are only teaching them acceptance of others, which certainly can be taught without crossdressing. You are going to subject them unnecessarily to teasing and uncomfortable questions and bullying and embarrassment - because you crossdress. It would be ideal if the world we live in was different, but others are narrow-minded and ignorant and mean. Most of us can figure out how to dress with discretion, if simply to protect our loved ones. It is different when they are older, perhaps, and they are more mature. But, as others have asked, "Why take this risk?" Especially when they are so young and vulnerable.

[swansong]

I don't know if that was taken the wrong way, but I don't think anyone telling their kids is a bad thing. There are indeed an endless amount of things a bully can use. I just don't think in my particular situation, that there is much of a need to tell them at this point. Maybe that will change as my CD'ing develops.

[Kate T]

My wife and I have 3 children, 13yr old girl, 7 yr old girl and 4 yrs old boy. They have known / I have dressed around them for probably close to 2 years. We go out with them when I am dressed as a family and also I have gone out with both the girls individually dressed.
The 13 yr old doesn't care. She's not obsessed but doesn't care how I dress when we go out. When her friends ask her who did her hair a certain way or did her makeup for some play or other she thinks it is quite amusing to inform whomever that her dad did it.
The 7 year old thinks it is great fun. She is our Princess. As far as she is concerned it is great, how much fun is it to go dress shopping with your dad when he is wearing a dress / skirt too! And then of course there is dress ups and makeup and bling and oh it never ends!
The 4 yr old couldn't give a toss. He quite happily will have dad paint his fingernails with yellow nail polish (at his request, his favourite colour is yellow) then quite emphatically declare he is NOT a girl. He just loves yellow :)
We really only have one rule. That is we NEVER contradict / try to cover up with some form of lie if they decide to tell someone / one of their teachers says "i'm sure Daddy wasn't wearing a dress" or similar. To our relatively constant amazement so far none of them has actually said anything to anyone as far as we are aware. The 13 yr old sure, probably has enough nouse to know that it isn't something most people will get, but the 7 and 4 yr old we were sure would have let something slip by now. Personally I suspect they regard it as such a non event and it just doesn't impact on their world so it just doesn't rate a mention.
So the short answer is I advocate not hiding it from children. Because yes I think they are likely to be more tolerant and thoughtful and accepting. If we keep on hiding from the people we love then when will society ever accept us?

[mandm40c]

Thanks Adina, that was well said and it highlights why we are leaning towards being open about cross dressing when it comes to our kids. Heather, it's not just about teaching them acceptance. How can we teach our kids it's ok to be whom ever they turn out to be, while we hide in the closest? We want to be able to lead our kids by example and that means being true to ones self.

[heatherdress]

I believed you intended to keep you crossdressing hidden from friends and neighbors when you said you were "not going to do anything embarrassing when they came over". I thought that meant you are hiding your dressing from others - but not your children. I was not sure what message that would send but I thought it would require your young children to hide your dressing too.

If you intend to be fully out, then I am misinterpreting your words and I am sorry.

But I still think that your young children might experience hurt, and anxiety, no matter how hard you work to train them and support them. Why risk it, especially at such a young age?

I also don't buy the "how can we teach our kids - if we hide in the closet" rationale. Sorry, but there are many things we shelter our children from, especially when they are young, because they do not have the maturity and wisdom and experience to handle them. Do you plan to tell them about your fears, your desires, your failures, disagreements you have with your spouse, mistakes their grandparents made, shortcomings of family and friends, illnesses you might have, worries, money problems, heinous crimes that are committed, the truth about Santa? As a parent, I always tried to set a good example and always tried to place my children's needs first - but that never meant I had to tell them everything. I believed it was often best to shelter them when they were little.

I appreciate all who have told their children as they grew older. There is not one right approach to raising our children. But you also shouldn't diminish those who remain discrete as not being true to one's self or not setting a good example.

I do commend your intent to raise your children to be open-minded and accepting - and hope it works well. Good luck, Mandm. Whatever you decide will be right for you.

[Kate T]

Nup, sorry, gonna disagree Heather

check out this link:

http://occupytheory.org/lgbt-homeless-youth-statistics/

Those stats are the reason I think that we need to educate and show children that LGBT expression is not something to be ashamed of or hide or to make fun of.

Please I don't intend to diminish you as a parent. I have no doubt that you love your children dearly and you do what you believe is best for them. I just think in this case you are wrong. I think the benefits of exposing and educating children about difference and tolerance and understanding far outweigh the possible adverse consequences.

[mandm40c]

I may not have been too clear. I cross dress every day in one way or another. Home - I can be found in a skirt or dress, stockings(pending weather) and heels or flats. Out - Can be found in female jeans and heels. So I do realize I can't speak from the point of view of dressing totally en femme. I won't wear my skirts when my kids friends are over and yes, I do realize it's not living fully open, as I will restrict that part of my dressing. However, we have no plans to advise our kids to keep anything a secret. My friends know I dress and again, I do wear out in front of everyone in some form or another. If they study my clothes long enough, give me a hug or look at my shoes or even listen to the click of my heels, they will know.

While I do agree there will be many things we will not share with our kids, to try and protect them, it just seems wrong to not share something that is part of you. I was born a man that is a cross dresser and that is a part of who I am. I don't want to hide that part of me, it would be like a blonde darkening her hair so people wouldn't think she is some dumb blond.

This is just my opinion, it is not meant to imply my way of thinking is better that anyone else's or diminish any one's self worth. For that, I do apologize to anybody I may have offended in regards to implying they are not setting a good example to their kids or in general. That is not what I was trying to convey.

[heatherdress]

Nup, sorry, gonna disagree Heather

check out this link:

http://occupytheory.org/lgbt-homeless-youth-statistics/

Those stats are the reason I think that we need to educate and show children that LGBT expression is not something to be ashamed of or hide or to make fun of.

Please I don't intend to diminish you as a parent. I have no doubt that you love your children dearly and you do what you believe is best for them. I just think in this case you are wrong. I think the benefits of exposing and educating children about difference and tolerance and understanding far outweigh the possible adverse consequences.

Hi Adina - I don't see what your sad article about homeless LGBT youths has to do with crossdressing openly in front of our young children.

You can educate your children about intolerance and understanding without crossdressing around them and subjecting them to possible unnecessary difficulties at such a young age which is the only concern I have as a parent. I believe there are risks to doing this.

Also, maybe judging and labeling people's beliefs as "wrong" as you are doing to my beliefs is more harmful to teaching our children tolerance and understanding and acceptance. No one should judge as right or wrong our differences of opinions, especially with our different beliefs and environments and backgrounds.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm with the spirit of post 11 from Mechamoose- if you exude confidence in yourself, if you demonstrate no signs of shame, if you are seen by your kids to be natural and yourself at all times, then you are setting them the best possible example, regardless of what clothes you choose to wear.

BUT this requires total acceptance from your SO, and probably from the majority of your friends and family. I suspect that Mechamoose has this, and if so, Mechamoose is a very lucky person! At least you have this from your SO, and that is a fantastic start.

What's sure is that your children's confidence in you (and by extension themselves) will be undermined if you aren't natural, aren't yourself. Would the best thing for their sakes be that you come out to your family and closest friends as quickly as possible, so that everyone has a chance to get used to the idea before your child becomes socially aware?

A risk for you, of course, but wow- think of the dividends- no more secrecy, and those who don't accept that side of you aren't really your friends, are they?

[Kate T]

Hi Adina - I don't see what your sad article about homeless LGBT youths has to do with crossdressing openly in front of our young children.

Because who is it that children look to first as their role models? Their parents, mother and father. And they will see someone who hides who they are and what they feel from those closest to them. If the child does have nonconventional gender identity or sexuality then what does this say to them? That it is something that must be hidden even from family? If the child has a conventional GI or sexuality then the implication is that again, anyone like this should be ashamed and certainly shouldn't display or express these feelings in public. I think this is the origin of the discrimination these young people experience.

I did not intend to judge you Heather. I was perhaps overzealous. It might be more accurate to say that I disagree with your belief / opinion on this matter. It is entirely plausible that I am wrong. The above is one of the principle reasons I feel this way. If we disagree that is fair enough, I respect your right to your opinion. I would never take any action or say anything deliberately to harm you or anyone else.