What do I do?

[JennaDesire]

Here I am again...another post about the situation at home. Except now, it has got to the point where decisions need to be made. I have been dressing my whole life. There is no stopping it. I must have purged 50+ times. I am married 20 years and have 3 children. I have been confronted by my wife time and time again about it, as she absolutely wants it to stop. Lets just say I cannot believe that she is still with me. few years ago, she found my "stash" and went crazy. Calling me a faggot, queer, animal and the best one...freak! Somehow we got through it and our marriage continued with some great times and some bad times. I continued dressing. As most of you know, there is no stopping. I have a flickr page that has over 3800 followers and 4,000,000 views. I love the way I look and feel when I am Jenna. If you look at some of my previous posts, you will see the struggles that I am going through keeping Jenna locked away. In any event, let me get to the present day. One day at the end of June, I had the house to myself. I was all set to have 4 or 5 hours as Jenna. For those that have to hide their gurlie side, you know 5 hours is amazing! I had my stuff hidden in the basement, but was starting to take it out. I had just finished showering and I hear somebody coming down the stairs. It was my wife. She knew right away what I was up to and lost it. Telling me that it is over and this is the last straw. I have to be honest, I was humiliated and thought that this would get me to stop dressing. After a few weeks, we mad peace with each other, and had a nice few months. The other day, the urges started coming back big time. I spent a few hours after work buying makeup, new lingerie, wigs and shoes. I was so happy, but cautious. I came home, and when I thought everybody was in bed, I went in the basement to start trying everything on. Right in the middle of it, my wife comes down and I ran into the bathroom. "What are you doing?" she asked. But she knew. I could not come out and face her. I stayed in the bathroom and got changed into my regular clothes. She would not go back upstairs and it was getting bad. I could go on forever, but now she is telling me that she knows it is a part of me, but she wants nothing to do with it. She wants a real man, and does not want me. The name calling again...freak and so on. She told me that I should have told her before we were married. I thought I could stop when I got married, but you know how that went. I am guessing that my marriage is either over, or completely destroyed. But the worst part about it is the woman that I love more than anything in the world hates me and is disgusted by me. Can anybody share some story with me or give me some advice as to how this is going to end up?
Thank you.:sad:

[Kris Avery]

I wish I had some great advice that will fix everything.
Communication is key.
Give much more than you take from your best friend.
Mutual respect has to be earned both ways.
A strong marriage can weather almost anything.
A weak marriage can weather ...almost nothing.

All of this said, I recommend communication, dedicated set aside time that is limited to work through concerns.

I hope this helps.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenna, It sounds like she's never going to change, so the ball is in your court now:daydreaming:
You have two choices, quit or move on.

[Melissa_Rose]

Have you tried to really explain why you are as you are. Why you have the needs you have?
Her reaction of non acceptance is one thing, but to be hurtful and spiteful carries her reaction to a different level.
I wish you the best. Talk to her. Try to avoid hiding things fro. Here ( which is different from keeping things out of sight!)

Good luck

[Kate Simmons]

Just one thing. As painful as it may seem, you are going to have to decide what is more important to you, your marriage or your dressing and take it from there.

[Maria Blackwood]

I'd kind of like to ask her where "animal" comes from. WTF?

[Megan b]

Jenna, my heart go out to you. I'm so sorry for the awful spot you and your wife are in. Your post hits close to home for me. I could have wrote most the same things you said. One of your statements that hit so close to me was being hated by the one you love. This did not end well for me, 22 years of marriage came to an end. I knew this was part of me so I did not lie to her. If I had maybe I could have limped another year or so out of the marriage. This is the most difficult situation I have ever lived through. I had a friend tell something that I think is true and I'll share it with you. You can't make someone love you. I sure tried. You can make someone dislike you, fear you and hate you but you can not make someone love you. This is not exactly something I wanted to hear but I think it's true. Maybe it's not to late for you and your wife. Try some counseling if you can get her to go. I tried it. I had too because I loved my (ex)wife. It still didn't work out but I had to try and I,m not sorry for trying. Hang in there. I'm sorry for this not being a cheerful post.

[Christen]

Jenna, I don't really feel like I'm in a position to give advice ... but, I'll say this. First make peace with yourself, be honest about who you are and come to terms with it. Then, then you can start being honest with at the least the people you love. If they accept the true, honest you, that's wonderful. If they don't, then probably that's their loss. But a life lived in fear, isn't a life very well lived.

Christen x

[MelanieAnne]

I'd kind of like to ask her where "animal" comes from. WTF?
That, and "freak" too.
First, you need to decide where your crossdressing is coming from. Are you really transgender? Are you homosexual? Or are you heterosexual, as most crossdressers are. Crossdressing can be framed in many ways. Do you really want to be a woman? Or are you, like many men, simply fascinated by all things fem? You should explain to your wife, that 95% of crossdressers are heterosexual. Try and educate her on the subject. Explain to her that you are simply fascinated by womens clothes, and how they feel. Explain that it is much more common than most people know. Explain that you aren't gay. With 20 years invested, you probably want to save the marriage. She sounds somewhat intractable and hysterical, but you should try and have a calm discussion of the subject.

[Janine cd]

Jenna, I've been through much of the same thing that you are experiencing. After 50 years of marriage, I have been able to survive only by setting up very careful rules. Since my wife cannot tolerate seeing me dressed, we have an agreement that I only dress when she is away. This means that my dressing time is limited to the times that she is away visiting her relatives or going shopping to Chicago. That gives me the opportunity to dress about once a month. Not a great situation, but it has saved our marriage.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi. I wish I could give you some magical advice that could save the day... But that is fantasy land.

What can I suggest? Maybe that somehow she gets educated on the topic. Most recent theories indicate that for whatever reason we are born this way, and it is not a choice for us to have these feelings. Regardless of what you consider yourself to be, TG, CD, or just a guy who likes fem items, you are no more a freak or an animal than someone who was born left handed. True we are a small percent of the population, but so are those who are born with a rare blood type. Different than others? Sure? Unusual frommost others? Yup. But not wrong.

To me, she, like many other SOs, appears to be afraid of the unknown. Different can be scary. The only way to deal with fear is with an education. Unfortunately she can only be encouraged to learn and not forced. To learn one needs to give, time, effort, energy, persistence, and dedication. You can help teach by helping to encourage she does those five things.

Good luck sweetie!

[Beverley Sims]

There is some harsh advice here but it is unfortunately sound advice also.

I would try joint counseling as a last resort.
There is no sense for both of you to go to lawyers and let them take all your life savings.

[charlenesomeone]

I'm with Beverly on this, will she go to joint counseling? If not the advice here is
good, but in the end the decision will be between you and what way you go. Your
SO will have to decide as well. Wishing you the best, know that sounds trite, but
hope you are happy either way it goes.

[Sissyboy2]

I have a feeling that when you say things are better you mean that you hide the emotions under the rug and pretend everything is ok. Like others have said how you have two options to change the way you live or end the marriage. Well CD is always going to be a part of you, You might be able to supress it for a few months or years but it will come back. When you do supress it you won't truely be as happy as you can. I wouldn't end the marriage but tell in a firm voice "if you can't accept me for what clothes I wear or who I am, then maybe this just won't work out" it will be hard to say that and by you being the person in charge and saying if you can't accept me than I am going to leave you. Maybe if she sees you threaten to leave she might be willing for some commpromises. Maybe there is a way you can enter a DADT kind of a thing where you can have your privacy and tell her when a certain time of the week where you need some girl time and she would know to leave you alone.

[Tiffany Jane]

Jenna, the trials and tribulations of marriage are fought with love, communication, understanding, trust, and support. The same qualities that seem to be so second natured when everything is going well. It is in times of change, stress, despair, or trouble we have to dig deep and put our emotions aside and evaluate these qualities to determine if they can outweigh the emotion.

Your wife has been married to you for twenty years and although she has blown a fuse time to time, she is still there. Maybe she is afraid to leave, maybe she feels the hiding is leaving her feel that you can't confide your feelings in her/or she just can't open her heart to your feelings as to why you do this. The name calling is neither helpful or supportive, but it sounds like she is trying to reach the man she sees in her mind to take inventory of the situation and make a decision. IMO, she is trying to verbally bully you into change.

There are no one size fix all answers, but communication is key. Can you ask for time to yourself to be Jenna or is that not possible. Hiding her only makes your wife upset, you on edge, and builds a wall for progress. It appears she is aware that when she leaves for extended time, you are someone else and she is goating you into scenarios where she can catch you, or is left to feel untrusting of what you are doing when she is not around.

[lynda]

hi jenna , my sitauation is different. but hear me out.i was marreid for 38 years in dadt marrege,my would not even discuss it, she was so turned off by it..she wanted her man her way and i tried to go along with it.i always wanted to dress a lot more.well, my wife passed away 6 months ago. so i wanted to dress now i got my wish ,now i dress all the time im real girly now. but let me tell you i would trade in all the cloths just to be with my wife for one more hour .you may like cloths but you cant hug them you cant feel there body next to you.so im not gonna tell what you should do .but jenna be careful what you wish for,because you might just get it. hugs love lynda

[kimdl93]

You have repeated theses episodes enough time to know the scrip by heart and each of you plays their part without variation. She rants and rails and you act contrite. My guess is that these behaviors affect other aspects of your marriage too. This pattern solves nothing.

It seems to me that you both need to seek objective, informed, professional counseling. She may not be willing. She may be to rigid to learn, but at the very least the therapist can try to teach the two of you how to communicate by adults.

[SamanthaSometimes]

But the worst part about it is the woman that I love more than anything in the world hates me and is disgusted by me.:

This is one of the hardest pills to swallow especially when it is substantiated and punctuated with hurtful name calling. I am in a very similar situation but somehow my wife and I remain together in a strained DADT relationship after more than 35 years of marriage and about 11 months into her knowing I'm a CDer. Knowing some people say things they don't mean when they are very angry, or later regret, helps me blunt the pain her words invoke. It is easy to believe the worst scenario is the only eventual outcome when strong emotions such as anger and depression are in play. Let some time pass without confrontation – even the silent, Cold War treatment is a better alternative to frontal confrontation to let things settle down. Then, after the Winds of War have blown past, try sharing honest feelings in a mature and rational conversation. The discussion in that conversation will be a much better indicator of your future together than the emotional state you are most likely in now.

[NicoleScott]

Before you go to joint counseling, agree on the objective. My first wife and I didn't, and it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Here's why: she went with the expectation that I could be "cured", and I went with the expectation of getting her acceptance. Both of us, it seems, were relying on the counselors (husband and wife team) to side with each of us and convincing the other that "I'm right, you're wrong". We divorced.
Sometimes a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.

[Katey888]

Jenna - like others here, I do feel for you too... It's a rough situation to be in... :hugs:

I don't think anyone can offer advice or a prediction of what the outcome will be, but I think one can say for sure that if neither of you changes what you are doing and the way you react presently, the same thing will continue to happen ad nauseum... sorry, but neither of you are budging from your entrenched positions here, and that's a recipe for repetitive dysfunctionality, imho...

The best advice I think is joint counselling... if one or other of you are unwilling, that tells a story... After a few sessions you'll quickly come to a point at which you'll understand if there is a benefit in continuing. I have to say, from what you describe, your wife is not showing the signs that 'education' will be the solution - I hope that isn't so... but... probably hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Good luck! :hugs:

Katey x

[Dana3]

I would suggest a multi-prong approach. Counseling? Yes. But finding the correct counselor for the particular issue at hand? One for the gender related issues ~ both individually AND you AND as a couple. And then one for marriage counseling both individually and as a couple. Keep the issues separate and don't look for a one-fits all. You may have to shop around, get some referrals etc to find the correct one(s). Doubtful that you will find one that is well versed in any and all issues involved ~ and there could possibly be more issues that lay beneath the surface.

The next thing I would suggest would be to begin to educate yourself, about any and all aspects of marriage, through reading. A couple of really good books that I would highly recommend are"

"You Just Don't Understand" and "GenderSpeak" about the differences in the way men and women communicate.

"Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" ~ a really good book about exploring the differences in men's and women's perspectives.

"Divorce Busting" ~ enough said ~ outstanding with accompaing web sight (Goggle it)

And last? "His Needs and Her Needs" most outstanding with worksheets, and as I recall a work book that goes with it in helping to break down each others needs on many different areas, such as intimacy (non-sexual) financial, security, etc.

[Teresa]

Jenna,
Basically your wife has one box you fit in and that is the man box ! I just don't think she is going to look or accept anything outside that box !
We know she is being inconsiderate not allowing you any Jenna time at all, all she wants is her man full time !
The options I'm afraid are simple ones for you, be the husband and father she wants or be prepared to call it a day with your marriage ! Joint therapy may help but it's always going to be a compromise for you !
Walking away from a marriage and children is tough simply to want to CD, so make sure that's all you want to do, if there's more to your CDing be honest to yourself and go with it !

[Dana3]

Agreed its NOT going to go away, no matter what you do, try seek to prevent it, in that it WILL manifest in some shape, form or fashion, up to and including in a negative manner. As I have experienced it can and will force itself to the top, and will manifest itself in potentially negative ways such as moodiness, grouchiness, self medication (to deaden the desire)

At best you can seek out ways and means of coping with it, preferably in a positive manner and with a positive outcome? That is beneficial for you as the individual, she as an individual, and for the "US" that makes you a couple.

Contrary to the current popular conscious is in Western culture, society and religion? Cross dressing isn't the automatic deal breaker, nor such a terrible thing that watching the media would have some believe. Nor does it make you less of anything? Of anything it makes you more of a human being ~ a total and complete human being. Just because someone cross dresses DOES NOT make the same a Bad Person!

[Claire Cook]

Jenna, This is so difficult. I've read your post several times, as well as your previous ones. Your wife sounds quite inflexible, and appears to have been that way for some time. By the same token it sounds as though CD'ing / TG is something you cannot do without. I don't know if counseling will help, but others have given their suggestions here. I lean toward Teresa's last comment. Is CD'ing / TG more important than holding your marriage together? I wish I had some answer, but I don't. Perhaps the bottom line is -- what will ultimately make YOU happy?

[Krisi]

You have a choice to make - your wife and family or your crossdressing. Dressing in the basement when you thought everyone was asleep was pretty dumb. Even dressing when people are supposed to be away will eventually get you caught. I got caught.

Again, you have a choice. It's up to you - which do you want the most?

If you choose your wife and family, offer to go to a shrink to find out why you want to crossdress so badly.

[Tina B.]

For some it's easy, which is most important to your life, dressing, or a wife. Sounds simple doesn't it? But I guess it really depends on why you dress, and how you feel about dressing. I lived for a few years keeping it all bottled up inside. but not dressing just doesn't work for me. I become severely depressed, and filled with what can become uncontrollable anger. It's like having road rage full time.
Suicide, or murder, neither one seemed like much of an option to me.
I finally reached a point that I had to sit the wife down and just tell her, this is who I am, either you need to accept me for who I am, or let me go, because I can't live without it, so you need to live with it, or find a better man, because that just isn't who I am.
I spent 30 years wishing I wasn't a cross dresser, but I am, I don't like me when I don't dress, I don't like the world when I don't dress, and I won't live a life of misery trying to be something I not just to please anyone.
I got lucky, and she stayed, and learned to love having a CD in the house, but it took time for us to get used to it, but then it's worked out pretty good for the last 40 years.
They say, if momma's not happy, no one is happy, well it's also true of papa. It life is dragging you down because you have to deny yourself your true identity, your wasting your time and hers.
Remember, some times education will not win over basic beliefs no matter how hard you try, and all you can do is try.
I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but many of us here have been there, lost a marriage and survived, and sometimes, life is better the second time around.

[Jodi]

What to do? Get a really good lawyer right now because you're going to need one.

Jodi

[Jackie F]

All I can say is I am living your life and feel your pain. My wife knows and refuses to acknowledge anything to do with Jackie.
Like you I love my wife. although I will not hide from her I do not dress unless I know she is out of the house for a while.
Tonight I sit here all dolled up in a pink dress and can't remember the last time I was able to do this.
I pray for you and your wife and wish you peace.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm in a similar situation. I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed. My wife had a hissy fit, and left the house for most of the day. When she came back, she told me I needed to "get fixed". She said I should talk to our minister and get his recommendation for a counselor. To make a long story short, the minister told my wife that I wasn't broken, and didn't need to get fixed. We did have several rounds of counseling in the last 7 years, but we're still married.

I suggest joint counseling. Maybe you'll find someone who can convince her that you're not a freak, faggot or whatever names she called you. You might even get someone who can convince her that not only is is not bad, but there is no cure for it.

You might have a chance to get her to move from despise or intolerant to tolerant or accepting. Then you both might be able to go about a DADT relationship. However, if she wants more or you want more (e.g., embracing), one of you is going to have to give something up, and that is the marriage.

So only you can decide whether you are better off with marriage without crossdressing or crossdressing without marriage (i.e., wife). If it comes to the latter, you might onsider a trial separation as a test.

I know a lot of CD/TS girls in this situation, and it's gone either way. In fact, I know a handful of couples where "he" is on hormones, has gone full time or has had the procedure and are still happily married. I also know others who are divorced.

A friend who is on the divorce track is summarizing her story here;

http://youcancallmemeg.blogspot.com/2014/10/preamble-i-am-here-introduction.html

BTW, I am at the tipping point. While I have no plans to walk out, if I am kicked out, I will go peacefully.

[CherylFlint]

I showed your post to my SO and her response was that your wife needs to “Get a grip on it”.
My wife can’t understand what the hang-up is for your wife. She says it’s fun having a husband to “dress-up”, and that’s exactly what she does to me, so much so, in fact, that I “pass”. We go out as girl-girl or husband and wife. She decides, matter-of-fact, what she wants me to wear. My SO has fun and I have fun, too bad your wife can’t “get-on-board”.
It’s up to your wife at this point. She can go-with-the-flow or not.
I wish you the very best, but I wouldn’t hold my breath for your wife to come around any time soon, if at all.
But Lynda has a point, too, although there are women out there who have no problems whatsoever with their man “dressing”, I know, because I’m married to one.
But looking back on the mess you created, your wife is 100% correct: YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD HER.

[Tamara Segunda]

I thought Tina B's post was both compassionate and insightful, but I also thought that Sometimes Steffi's comment that "I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed," was very telling.

When you hide the whole process, and then get caught in the act, of COURSE your wife flips out. At the very least she feels that she's been lied to and betrayed -- and from your post, it sounds like that's happened several times in the same way. If you make it clear to her that you don't want to hurt her, but that this is a compulsion that you simply cannot deny and that you WILL do again, she may still react with hostility, but at least she won't see you as a liar. I also strongly agree with those who have recommended joint counseling; just be sure you choose a therapist who is aware of and sensitive to these issues. Best wishes to both of you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I thought Tina B's post was both compassionate and insightful, but I also thought that Sometimes Steffi's comment that "I also had my CDing discovered rather than disclosed," was very telling.





I thought I could stop when I got married, but you know how that went. I am guessing that my marriage is either over, or completely destroyed.


I agree with Jenna

In my defense, and quite honestly, the last hurdle I had, before asking my future wife to marry me, was whether my crossdressing would be cured by marriage or not. In 1978, there was no way for me to figure that out. I thought I was the only crossdresser in the world. Since at the time, crossdressing was an alternate means of arousal, I thought I'd grow out of it after marriage because I'd have as much sex as I could handle. I was wrong on both counts.

I was probably married 30 years before I understood it enough myself to have an intelligent conversation with my wife about it.

[Contessa]

Yes by all means try counseling and therapy. They will help but if you know Jenna isn't going anywhere and you can't put and leave her in a bag. Then tell your wife you will use the basement and she shouldn't come there while you are there. You can maybe use a side door to go out. So she can't see you leave and return. Eventually you may have to leave and or your wife will. I only say this if Jenna isn't going away. Wendy's words are very settling about weak and strong marriages. I wish you only the best.

Tess

[Ally 2112]

I do feel very bad for you but as most of know this does not go away .If you go to counseling only because she or you thinks it can be fixed you may be in for an unpleasent surprise .My x wife and i went to a few differnt counselers together and me by myself .We were both hoping for answers to fix our problem she thought i could be cured and i hoped for acceptance in the end we split up .I hope this does not happen and you can work it out .Always be prepared that it might not work i do hope for the best for you

[cindychan]

Sorry your going through a hard time. It's difficult but why would you love someone that demonizes you and calls you names?

[MelanieAnne]

Divorce is traumatic and stressful. But you only get one life. Don't waste it!

[CarlaWestin]

Well, Jenna. First of all, please consider that the writings here are anonymous and contributed without any consolation. There is some good advice here and some good examples of what a lot of us have endured. I don't want to suggest anything because I'm not close to your situation. Also, my point of view is hard tempered due to my age and accomplishments. My first wife, the mother of my Daughter, I loved dearly. I thought I was screwed up and tried therapy to make me the man that fit in the Ken or GI Joe box. I ended therapy when I realized that I also fit in the Barbie box. I really appreciated the broader gender spectrum but, wife 1 was intolerant. So, I became a wonderful remote Father. X only wanted a free ride in life anyway. Tweener, the one between marriages, was way more accepting but, unfortunately a little on the psychotic side. Always threatened to tell everyone when she was drunk. Current wife, open minded and curious at first but, kinky could never include gender dancing. Kept it mostly closeted, with her finding some of my stuff and me lying and saying I forgot I had hid things and I'd throw it away. Until about a year and a half ago. I just couldn't keep it hidden and steal moments anymore. There just wasn't any prospect of happiness if I was just pretending to be uber male all the time. So I just told her that I was a lifelong crossdresser and would always be one. It wasn't easy but, I was finally 100% truthful in my life. Then I was treated to all the mean and nasty attacks and threats and nonsense. It was quite the display of phoney BS control. We don't have children and I simply stated that I had started from nothing in the past many times and would do whatever I needed to move forward, with or without her. So it all boils down to an agreement between two adults. We are at, DADT and IDWTSI. And, when she said, "Don't you dare embarrass me with any friends or neighbors!" I said, "Well, that goes for you, too!"

With relationships, I'm three for three on the not totally accepting or not at all scoreboard. I did have a brief time that I lived by myself and didn't have to work. Some of the single members here will tell you how lonely that can be. My wife is truly my soulmate and my main focus in life. And although she doesn't like it, I think she sees how my gender skating keeps me centered.

Good luck to you.

[KiwiKate]

It's not an uncommon reaction.My wife used to get very angry when she knew I had been dressing but after a long time is slowly coming around.Don't do anything rash.Maybe hold off with the dressing up for awhile and let your wife calm down.I don't think you need to decide just yet wether to stop dressing all together or if your marriage is over.I know it will be hard but just try and relax and see what happens.These things sometimes take a lot of time and she may yet come around to a certain degree.Best of luck.

[donnalee]

The one thing I see here is that you are letting your wife stomp on you and are, in fact, enabling her choice of violent outbursts as a way of responding to your dressing. Before you can get her to accept you as you are, you first must accept yourself and refuse to be bullied. The vows say "for better or worse" not "until I decide I don't like something". At least she understands that dressing is integral to your being on some level, even though she may have used it as an expression of disgust; that may be something to build on.
I realize that you don't want to cause distress to someone you love, but she is abusing you with her behavior and needs to realize it and that you won't stand for it. I suspect she has done this before in order to get her way in other things and it has become a bad habit.
I am not in your situation, of course; you have to deal with it yourself, but I hope you will give some consideration to what I've written and that both of you find a new and better understanding after you weather this conflict.

[il.dso]

Very sorry to read about your situation.
Sounds completely stressful and overwhelming.
I can't offer any specific advice but hope that you find some comfort and support from those of out here in cyberspace who are dealing with the same issues.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Lots of advice already so just a little from my experience over the last 2 1/2 years. Might seem a bit different to your situation but there are very strong parallels.

I came out to my 3rd wife when CDing returned with a vengeance after a 3 1/2 year gap from the start of our relationship. It went very badly, she said dressing was abhorrant. When I said it was here to stay and I couldn't stop she threatened suicide, and went to bed for 36 hours distraught. Like your's a tough situation. I decided to go to a psychologist with gender experience. What she said may help you:

(1) There is nothing wrong with me and nothing to fix. This was important for me to hear from an expert. She did say that she could fix my wife though.
(2) Her threat of suicide is her trump card to get me to stop CDing. Once she's played that card there isn't a higher one.

Your wife's 'card' is different; she insults you. But you've always responded how she wants you to respond so it is all she needs to do to keep you in line. She has never had to face a hard choice.

Like you, my reaction to my wife was her love was conditional. It took me over 6 months to move past that. During that time I continued to dress and several times the fact I dressed was discovered (once, I was cleaning a large pair of female shoes). The severity of her reaction decreased each time. Nowadays we have a DADT arrangement that works quite wonderfully for us both.

I hope that something from my past will help you.

[Donna St. Marten]

I think you need to pull the plug and give a whole lot of thought to what you want to be. I have seen your FlickR site and it appears that you may have some other issues. You can't go on with this secretive life and expect our marriage to survive.

[Rhanda]

It looks to me that she is trying to catch you and thinks that this will stop you because you can't trust her to be doing what she indicates she is going to do. Example: She was supposed to be gone for several hours and suddenly showed up when you were about to get dressed. That means that she is trying to have a confrontation with you. Ask haer what her motive is. She will then be on the defensive and you will finally be able to have a calm discussion. No charge. LOL

Rhanda

[Annaliese]

Jenna my heart goes out to you, as you know you can't stop, it is who you are, even if you could stop dressing, the wanting to dress will not, and you would be sad and depressed, and not the man your wife married. Even to the point of being mean and hard to get along with. There are a lot of thing couples should tell before they get married, most of us were in our early 20 and have no Idea what is in store for us.
She know it will not go away now, so it up to her now, write her a heart felt letter telling her why you did not tell when you first got together. Ask her what she want, with in reason, that it not going to stop. That the name calling has to stop, you are still the man she married, kind and compassionate. It is really up to her now. Good luck and keep us here posted, we care and love you for who you are. Hugs

[Maria 60]

I don't know you and your wife enough to really make a comment because I don't really know how your relationship is, but I will say this. If the relationship is strong and the both of you really want to be with each other, till death do you part, then i am sure you can talk about it rationally and find a happy medium, kind of a win win situation, both making a sacrifice for each other. When my wife asked me if she didn't accept m y dressing what would have happened.i told her we wouldn't have been together much longer. Talk it out and if there is love and caring for each other's feeling you will both win. Good luck and hope it all works out.

[DonnaT]

My wife wasn't that bad, however, sometimes she didn't care, and other times, she couldn't stand it.

Over the first 30 years, she continued to flip-flop on her feeling, or more likely, how she hid her feelings, and occasionally threatened divorce. I was getting tired of it, and vowed to myself if she brought up the D word again, so be it.

On the day of our 30th anniversary, out of nowhere, she again mentioned divorce. Being tired of the threats, I told her if that was her choice, so be it, but I would still love her as I have always loved her. But if she need to leave, I wouldn't stop her. (note I didn't suggest I would leave) I told her that after 30 years, she knows good and well that I can't stop, as I've tried it and it never lasted long.

Anyway, she was flabbergasted I wasn't putting up a fight for the marriage. She left.

A few hours later she came back and we talked some more, and we are still together, 9 yrs later. And she's not argued about my dressing in those 9 yrs.

I got lucky. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).

[MelanieAnne]

Here are your choices. The ongoing stress of hiding your dressing and putting up with your wifes tantrums and suprising you. Or the temporary stress of a divorce, and the freedom to dress whenever you wish.

[Dianne S]

Telling me that it is over and this is the last straw.

If your wife said that to you, then say: "Fine. When are you moving out?"

Harsh as it is to say this, a lot of people make these threats as a form of abuse when they don't have any intention of following through. If you call your wife's bluff, she'll either follow through in which case you'll split up, or admit she was bluffing in which case you can tell her to quit threatening and work with you to fix your marriage.

Full disclosure: I am probably a bad person to offer advice if you want to save your marriage, since I recently left my wife (only partly because of transgender issues) and I am discovering that I feel much happier now and that I probably should have left my rather toxic marriage years ago.

[Jill Devine]

I'm very sorry for your situation. I've been very close to divorce in the past (unrelated to CDing) so I know the pain. There are no words to describe the feeling of a long term marriage on breaking point.

Yes try counseling but heed the advice of what the agreed goal is. What will the AGREED goal for therapy be? You will want her acceptance and she will want you "fixed". Also know that all counselors are human and biased.

Only thing that really bothers me is that your wife is verbally abusive. She might think you have a problem but ask her if being verbally abusive is ok and normal in her world?

[suzanne]

What Kate said "decide what is more important to you, your marriage or your dressing", it true, but there is another dimension that needs to be pointed out. The SO who delivers this type of "my way or the highway" ultimatum is showing you a deep lack of respect by suggesting your femme side has no value.

My working definition of respect is this: the recognition that a person, thing, idea, etc, has value, regardless of whether or not that value is understood. A wife who delivers "the ultimatum" does not respect you, and probably doesn't love you, because a love that's conditional is not really love. Jenna, does your wife REALLY love and respect you?

[Melissa_59]

Before you go to joint counseling, agree on the objective. My first wife and I didn't, and it turned out to be a waste of time and money. Here's why: she went with the expectation that I could be "cured", and I went with the expectation of getting her acceptance. Both of us, it seems, were relying on the counselors (husband and wife team) to side with each of us and convincing the other that "I'm right, you're wrong". We divorced.
Sometimes a good divorce is better than a bad marriage.

I absolutely agree here. Jenna, it sounds like your wife has some serious preconceptions of what crossdressing is, and the problem with a lot of people who have already "made up their minds" is that it's almost impossible to get them to change - even a little. Some people grow up with the socialization that crossdressing is evil, and you can argue until you're blue in the face and present all the facts you want ("I have broken NO laws") and it won't make a bit of difference to people who are prejudiced.

This won't end well for you and your wife, because you must know by now (all the purges, yes I did that too) that you cannot change - this is a part of you, and you can go on trying to deny it like we see others on this site do from time to time, or you can accept that is is a part of you and embrace it. I also tried denying it for a couple of years, it almost destroyed me.

You're going to hate yourself if you keep denying who you really are, she's going to hate you for doing it.

The difference is YOU are the one person you cannot get away from.

So will you continue to hurt yourself? That's what it will come down to. I'm not going to try to sugar coat it one bit either.

Break away quickly. It is much kinder than drawing this out.

~Melissa

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Jenna, I have a different suggestion for you to consider.

Your wife is demanding very loudly that you act like a man. By hiding the real you, sneaking around late at night, feeling guilty, and acting like you're in the wrong when she 'catches' you, you are reinforcing your lack of manliness to her, as well as making yourself feel bad.

Perhaps attack is the best form of defence? She sounds like a simple, old fashioned gal, so perhaps you should act like a simple old fashioned guy, who happens to like dressing as a woman from time to time. Wait for an opportunity when you can be certain you won't be interrupted by the kids- in fact if it's possible, take her away for a night to a nice little hotel somewhere beautiful. Be confident, be loving, be romantic- but be every inch a man. Take her out into nature, somewhere private; a big park, a lake, sit her down, then still in man-mode, tell her something like this- and don't let her talk over you- if necessary, beat your chest and roar; she wants strong- give her strong:

"Honey, I've brought you here not only because I love you very, very much and we haven't had a break like this in way too long- but because you need to understand that by denying me something which is important to me, by calling me names and by forcing me to choose between what I feel in here (thumps chest dramatically) and the woman I love with all my heart, you're making my life impossible. No, don't interrupt, I haven't finished. Maybe you think I'm weird for what I do, maybe you're afraid I'm gonna change beyond recognition, maybe you think I'm a closet fag, maybe you're afraid I'm going to stop loving you- but none of those things are true, none of those things are going to happen. I'm with you, as I've always been with you, because I love you- nothing is going to change that. But from now on, no more hiding, no more guilt, no more sneaking around hoping for a few minutes to myself without being judged, juried, and treated like a criminal. If you can't accept this side of me- fair enough- you don't have to see it, I've never tried to make you see it, but you go out of your way to see it- to put me down, to insult me. But this is who I am- all I'm asking is that you ease up, cut me a little slack, accept that I can wear a skirt once in a while without it meaning I'm Hannibal Lecter. (Willy Nelson ringtone...) Don't even think about answering that! Now here's what I want, and here's what I'm willing to give. I want the freedom to spend a little time to myself once a week- a few hours is enough- I want you to quit the name-calling, the guilt tactics, the 'poor me' crap. If you don't like me wearing a skirt, that's your choice, but this is how I am, this is how I'm going to stay, and right now you're acting like someone who wants out of our marriage. Wait- now this is what I'm willing to give. Number one- my love. I love you (Patricia/Lucy/Brunhilde), as much now as I did 20 years ago. I've loved you since our 1st date, since our first kiss, and frankly right now I want to rip your clothes off and make love to you- I want to keep loving you, and I want to stay with you until one of us is carted off to the morgue. I give you my word, on everything I hold sacred, that my crossdressing does not, has not and will not, ever, involve being unfaithful to you or our family. You are more precious to me than I can say, and yes- this is not what you signed up for, I know- but if I mean anything at all to you still, if you can accept even a little that there's a side of me that seems strange, unexpected, then I'm here for you as I've always been here for you; heart, body and soul. OK, your turn...."

This is her chance. If she uses it to say she wants a divorce, then there was never any hope in the first place and you've both been living a lie, both been avoiding the inevitable. And you'd better be prepared to follow through with the physical stuff and give her an afternoon of wild sex, or you're not going to pull this off, no sirree.

My heart goes out to you- good luck Jenna, whatever you decide, but it's definitely decision time.

Nikki

[MelanieAnne]

I could be wrong, but I think judging by your post, if it wasn't CDing, it would be something else. Your wife has some serious control issues.

[JennaDesire]

Update... My wife has told me tonight she wants a divorce. I guess there is no more questions... it is over. I never felt this lost. Not sure how this will play out. I have to figure out where to go as I cannot stay home anymore. Thanks everybody for the support and help. You have no idea how comforting it is.

[MsVal]

If you are doing nothing wrong but your wife cannot tolerate living with you then it seems reasonable that she should leave the house, not you.

[MelanieAnne]

Why can't you stay home? My wife said "I'm not happy. I think you should leave". I said "This is my house. I'm not going anywhere. Let's try and work things out"! A couple weeks later, she said she just had to be free, and moved out, to live with her pot smoking boyfriend from work. My kids stayed with me, and I wound up with the kids, the house, and the dog. I've never understood why the guy always moves out. If it's your house, stay there till the divorce is final! If you move out, then you are the one who deserted her, and it will work against you.
Divorce is always stressful and traumatic. But you will get over it, and be free to do with your life as you wish. And now you need to shift into self protection mode.

[BeckyW]

Why can't you stay home? My wife said "I'm not happy. I think you should leave".

Exactly. It's your house, you stay put. If she doesn't like being there with you, she needs to figure something out, not you. You're in an abusive relationship with someone who has a view of gender roles that is appropriate for 1960.

Edit: Maybe she's waiting for you to stand up to her. That might be all the reassurance she needs.