a little conversation from a DADT relation

[mykell]

went to the bank this morning, after we would go the the dept store to return some tops i purchased for her birthday, on the way i started the conversation, you know i love you she says oh no, explained how i get she doesn't what to see and share this but its there, she says she doesnt understand, i say have you even tried, no, so i tell her i dont want to do things behind her back, there are a few things id like to do before im too old, what are they, i would like to go to some transgendered parties or meetings, where are these parties, i explained there was one in trenton last year, i guess it was in a hotel, your would be going dressed, yes they have a place to change there, i dont want to know when you go, you have money for the hotel room, no room just a banquette hall, some silence, another thing would be a professional transformation session, someone dresses you, yes, i dont understand, i dont understand...none of us understand it. im sorry i thought you might be more ok with this since you have been making a lot of tutu, sissy and pink references like you used to.... awkward silence.... a little chit chat as i continued to the mall, parked she returned her items and we shopped for about two hours, i was enjoying it even though i would not be getting anything and i helped to hunt for something she might like, everything was calm, she had her eyebrows done with a gift card i got her for christmas, wished it was me....while in sears i found a clearance space and bolted over to it, she says your like a girl, i said really what , did you here yourself, oh, came home she made lunch and here i am, before i forget all the details which im sure i did....

so made a little headway i suppose and didnt muck up the water too much, felt like i should share and would like the opportunity to thank reineD for her advise, cant do a shaved leg but like i said a little progress, baby steps i guess.....:)

[Katey888]

I guess some conversation is progress, and while you do seem to have reached a barrier in acceptance, at least you are talking about it and there is a chance for understanding to grow... :)

I hope you continue to talk and make headway... however slowly or rapidly that may be, but forward progress is... progress! :D

Katey x

[JayeLefaye]

A little here, a little there. Taking HER shopping while YOU buy nothing. It may seem like a little thing, but I think things like that go a long ways toward showing the proper perspective, and it won't go unnoticed.

Keep the balance, babe, it helps keep the " freak- outs" down.

Jaye

[Brenda456]

DADT relationships are tricky.

[vicky_cd99_2]

I have found in my own relationship that doing things in her time is beneficial. When I first came out to her it was all quiet on the western front, cold. As time went on she started talking about it a little. It might have been I gave her some SO sites to go to. Then came the day she wanted to see me dressed. I have been fortunate or should I say I am fortunate. She knows it is never going away but I am will to stay within certain parameters.

[Jenniferathome]

Mikell, I think this is more than a baby step. Talking about your cross dressing, by definition, leaves DADT in the dust. I don't mean to suggest that she will be an active participant, but being able to talk about it is THE critical step in my mind.

[Jackie F]

Being able to talk about it would be huge for me. The wife knows but will not acknowledge it.
Can i ask what DADT is?

[Christen]

Hi Mikell! Like they said in a song "Any talk is good talk, baby!", No, I've got something wrong there. But really it is. I've never really expected anyone to understand us but plenty either do or are just wonderful enough to accept that not everyone's the same. I think the really hard conversation to have is the explanation of why we feel like we do and need to express ourselves in the feminine. I spent a lot of time saying I just don't know why. Now, with a bit of help and a shipload of introspection I've been able to explain me. Mind you I haven't really talked about going out and meeting others, yet.

Good luck, keep talking!

Christen x

[char GG]

Did she know abour your crossdressing while dating / prior to getting married?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mikell, Just don't overwhelm her with this now, Go slowly and cautiously.

[Jenniferathome]

...can i ask what DADT is?

Don't Ask Dont Tell

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Being able to talk about it would be huge for me.

I read this a lot here. Do you want to talk about it to get reassurance that she thinks it's normal? Or because you'd like a companion to experience it with you? Either will annoy a wife who doesn't like crossdressing. Giving reassurance will make her feel forced and fake and like she's having to baby you, while discussing the joy of dressing will only bring resentment. Remember, these are women who would wish this part of you away in a heartbeat. They're not going to become CD cheerleaders without some drastic mental shift that I sure haven't managed yet and I've been here for quite some time now! I'm doing better, but I'll admit I'll always wish my H wasn't a CDer and I highly doubt that will ever change. But I've also since realised that I don't need to like crossdressing to love my CDH. I just need to accept he does it and then get on with loving the rest of him. He can love that part of him, himself! (which, given he's a sexual dresser, is pretty much the sum of it, lol!)

Anyway, if you're not seeking the above options but rather just looking to keep conversation open to feel out how she's coping and whether you're still on the same page regarding boundaries etc, then that is a conversation worth having and I would suggest, for those with a reluctant wife, that even writing a little private email telling her you've been thinking of her, that you love her and while you need to dress, you need her far more and you're just checking in to see if there's anything bothering her or anything she'd like to discuss. Tell her you're happy to chat about it on email with the promise you won't bring it up in person later.

I know many here recommend these talks in person, but honestly, when the topic is so squeamish for so many of us, it can be a less confronting way to chat on email or whatever and then get on with life knowing the air has been cleared but without all the heaviness of a sit-down conversation. Just a thought. :)

[Jenniferathome]

... Anyway, if you're not seeking the above options but rather just looking to keep conversation open to feel out how she's coping and whether you're still on the same page regarding boundaries etc, ....

This is a great addition/qualifier. I wish I had written that

[Beverley Sims]

You can apply a little pressure now and then, but remember like a tourniquet you have to relieve it occasionally.

[Kate T]

I read this a lot here. Do you want to talk about it to get reassurance that she thinks it's normal? Or because you'd like a companion to experience it with you?
Sometimes neither, sometimes both. Mostly though I think it is because deep down most of us are just plain insecure. Because the whole of society has for our entire lives pretty much told us that this is wrong, your a freak, nobody could possibly love you because of this, your laughable and worthless. And then finally you meet someone who seriously and genuinely loves you. Loves you so much they want to marry you and live the rest of their life with you because they think you are worth something, you are not laughable and you are a beautiful and loveable human being. Is it really that surprising that most of us crave being able to talk about it with the one person in the world who we believe has a half a hope of not making us feel like a freak again?

Mikell, I think you handled it very well, not putting any pressure on your wife but letting her know that you would like to open a communication about it. Yes it is baby steps. There are no simple answers. If your wife uses the internet it may be worthwhile showing her a resource like gires.org.uk or something similar that has some basic info and leave it at that i.e. just showing her the web page link. Or even as Tinkerbell suggested, send the link in a an email.

[NicoleScott]

DADT works for couples that make it work. What is described in the OP is not DADT.

[mykell]

hi nicole,
the relationship was first talked about here,

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?220140-DADT-how-to-move-along-or-find-out-it-wont-!!!!

just wanted to share the success i made here......

[Tina_gm]

Sounds as if overall it was a good thing. On the one hand, your wife has not been dwelling or obsessed about your CDing. On the other hand, she hasn't looked for a whole lot of information about it all. Welcome to the many of us who are in a similar situation and while some have it great with a partner who participates and even enjoys it, plenty have partners who are greatly bothered by it.

I would not push for a whole lot of communication in the near future, unless of course she wants to bring it up. But you cracked the door open a little bit.

But I would also caution that with the door a little open, sometimes the air can get a little chilly. Take it in stride though, I still get some chilly days but also ones that are not chilly at all.

[mykell]

hi gendermutt,
will not be pushing but like i said their were her comments like suggesting eli of the giants wearing his tutu, making fun of my pink mouthwash, and there was an instance in the past where she found a shoe selfie i used in a thread here, i thought she knew that it was my feet in 6in heels, i never explained it away and she was fine the rest of that weekend, things that teetered on the boundary that she was trying,
just wanted to show that as hard and scary as it is its possible to talk. im not comfortable on eggshells.
i took the deep breath and said what i had to say and even though i kept some of my wishes to myself i thought of how she was taking the info she was receiving and felt i shouldn't push further on all fronts at this time.
i know she will never be buying me makeup or anything like that, but she has to try to understand, to be honest i dont think i could dress in front of her, could possibly show a photo to her, i just dont want her thinking drag queen when she thinks of this and me but would love to take her to a drag show.

[Tina_gm]

At this time no, me either. Maybe never for either of us. (Dressing in her presence ) but, my wife knows, makes similar comments and jokes from time to time. How life is for my wife and I today, she told me she would marry me again. That's huge for me, in that she accepts me as I am.

She still has anger and still has fear that things with me may change in ways she can't deal with. She has also said that she is more ok with it today then she thought she would ever be.

I always try hard to look at the big picture in life. In that big picture it took me 30 years to be ok with my own crossdressing. My wife's acceptance of it is like watching the hour hand of a clock. You will never see it move, but it is moving. Slow and steady. I'm prepared for a life where she doesn't see it. In the big picture, that she would marry me again knowing and sometimes talking about it, and respecting me about it, even providing me opportunities. That works for me. I belive one day you will find yourself in a similar place in your marriage. I wish you the best.

[claire1d]

At this time no, me either. Maybe never for either of us. (Dressing in her presence ) but, my wife knows, makes similar comments and jokes from time to time. How life is for my wife and I today, she told me she would marry me again. That's huge for me, in that she accepts me as I am.

She still has anger and still has fear that things with me may change in ways she can't deal with. She has also said that she is more ok with it today then she thought she would ever be.

I always try hard to look at the big picture in life. In that big picture it took me 30 years to be ok with my own crossdressing. My wife's acceptance of it is like watching the hour hand of a clock. You will never see it move, but it is moving. Slow and steady. I'm prepared for a life where she doesn't see it. In the big picture, that she would marry me again knowing and sometimes talking about it, and respecting me about it, even providing me opportunities. That works for me. I belive one day you will find yourself in a similar place in your marriage. I wish you the best.

This is so true, I am going through the same experience. Being able to talk about it, from time to time, even if my SO does not want me to be Claire in her presence, is a huge step way beyond DADT.

[Teresa]

Mikell,
I little talking is better than none at all and you appear to know when to stop, so you move on in hopefully safe steps !
You're probably like me in that you don't always want to be the one starting the dressing conversation ! If your wife simply asked a question about an aspect of it, at least you feel she's thinking about you and cares that you may be struggling inside !
As CDers we would like to be open and honest with our partners and not keep things hidden and feel guilty that we can't . I can't help feeling that our patrners are not always open and honest enough with us and we get strung along using our CDing as an excuse ! We're given enough slack to hopefully keep us happy !
Maybe my guilt and shame is wearing off and I'm just turning cynical ! It wouldn't take many steps to make me a much happier person in our marriage !

[scarlett]

can't really tell what this is about.

[mykell]

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/misc/quote_icon.png Originally Posted by Tinkerbell-GG http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3623971#post3623971)
... Anyway, if you're not seeking the above options but rather just looking to keep conversation open to feel out how she's coping and whether you're still on the same page regarding boundaries etc, ....



This is a great addition/qualifier. I wish I had written that

this is what it is about scarlett, moving a DADT relationship along positively, not selfishly....with help from folks on the site.....in post #1 is a link to the original question.....

[Danielle Austin]

Sometimes neither, sometimes both. Mostly though I think it is because deep down most of us are just plain insecure. Because the whole of society has for our entire lives pretty much told us that this is wrong, your a freak, nobody could possibly love you because of this, your laughable and worthless. And then finally you meet someone who seriously and genuinely loves you. Loves you so much they want to marry you and live the rest of their life with you because they think you are worth something, you are not laughable and you are a beautiful and loveable human being. Is it really that surprising that most of us crave being able to talk about it with the one person in the world who we believe has a half a hope of not making us feel like a freak again?



Well stated, Adina.
In my own marriage, a great deal of our struggles are connected to the problem that we are not very good at communicating on a deep personal or intimate level. My wife is always frustrated that don't 'talk' to her. However, whenever we do talk about cross dressing / gender identity, I get zero support or acknowledgement that this is challenging for me too. It always ends up feeling like a decision between her happiness or mine. In the five years since I came out to her, I am sadly no closer to finding the magic balance that would allow us both to feel fulfilled as human beings. It's lonely.