Dealing with the urges !Any thoughts please ?

[Teresa]

Most members probably know I'm in a DADT situation ! Somedays it's bury your head in the sand, if I can't see his CDing it doesn't exist ! To being offered clothes before being passed on ! We all talk about dealing with it in different ways !

The other uge I can't fully understand is the one to shop ! It goes back a long way but to give a recent example, my wife bought some smart blue patent wedges. I like them so much I just can't get them out of my mind to buy a pair, I've checked the stock online, and after looked at skirts and found a cord skirt that sits just on the knees. Instead of saying this is pointless when I buy them they are not going to be hung nicely in a wardrobe, no they're going to pushed in a cardboard box hidden away !
My wife knows about some of my things but not about my purchases, when she does I don't think she is going to be happy, to put it mildly !
The urge is stronger than my CDing sometimes, and I will struggle not to get in my car tomorrow morning and head for the shops !

The question is why do we do it ? Is it just me ? One explanation is shopping is another way of coming out to people, if I don't go out fully dressed ! Or am I trying to imitate my wife in some way ?

Any thoughts please ??

[Chari]

We all have to dress in something Teresa, and perhaps like most GG's you get bored with some of your wardrobe and get the urge to express your femme self in new and fashionable attire! Seeing (close-up) your wife's choice of footwear, or any of her other items can and will give a strong desire to buy and model similar outfits! Underdressing is OK, but IMO there is nothing like the feeling of presenting in an entire feminine outfit - complete with makeup, perfume, and jewelry! Do what gives you comfort and confidence. Enjoy.

[Kate Simmons]

Just one thought. The urges can be re-directed to buying guy stuff that would make you look sharp. Maybe something your wife would like to see you in.I've successfully done this and it works well for me. :)

[Jenni Yumiko]

Shopping is also a way of dealing with depression and to overcome dadt relationships. You imagine yourself in outfit a,b,c and it's somewhat the closest release you get atm.

[Martina]

I'm in a simular situation, more a you can wear what you want but I don't want to see you dressed than a (DADT) and having our 38 year old son now living back with us and he considers me to be a freak, then it can put quite a damper on my dressing.
As to shopping I must agree with you and it must be a compulsive urge to browse the shops to see what you can find and purchase the item even when you don't know when you will get to wear it.

Martina

[Jenniferathome]

Teresa, I have found that shopping is like a substitute for dressing. When you can't dress, the stress builds as we all have experienced, and somehow shopping is a relief valve. I have gone through this myself and rather then buying, I go through the motions. I shop on line. Add items to my shopping cart and just don't pull the trigger. It seems to work for me.

[Henriette7]

Hi Teresa

I think I'am just like you. I also have a strong need to constantly renew my wardrobe. I well know that it's going to be put away in my office closest, but I often see the view of how I would look in it and therefore I need to buy. Sometimes the image stays in my head and won't leave. :-) I also believe that it's a way of keeping our selfs happy with the CD thing. Most of us don't have time to dress often and there shopping is keeping us happy between the dressing times. For me, there is a lot of joy running around waiting until the next time I can try the new purchases, it keeps the dressing time worth to wait for. Unlike you, I go out fully dressed and are loving it.

Hugs
Henriette

PS. just bought a new perfume today, can't wait until thursday arrives where I'am going out with some friends, love the smell of Lady Million :-))

[Janine cd]

I agree. Shopping is a great way to overcome the need to dress when there is no opportunity for it Even if you only go out and look at clothes, the urge is diminished. Of course, it's always nice to find something new to wear the next time you can dress.

[CherylFlint]

"pushed in a cardboard box"!
You're going to have an early heart attack caused by stress.
Look, you can have a lot of fun doing household chores in a wig, bra, gater belt with stockings and high heels.
Your cheating yourself of the FUN aspect of being a CD because your SO isn't with the program.
Or, to put it another way, your SO is cheating you out of the FUN you SHOULD be having.
These are my thoughts: you're going to go to an early grave caused by stress.
If you HAVE to shop, at least go to consignment shops and thrift stores. Save your money whenever you can.

[Michaelasfun]

I had a teacher once, an older guy nearing retirement, really self-effacing and kind to people. Referring to himself he said "Some of us are born beautiful and others just look like 10 miles of bad road", which brought a laugh from the class.

I have struggled with low self-esteem most of my life and always felt like I was in the "10 mile" category, so it makes me ecstatic to "transform" into a being that I feel is much more attractive than my male self (even if I'm the only one who thinks so LOL) :) So when I see items of clothing, or cute shoes or accessories, I associate them with feeling better about myself, and we're off to the races (or the mall).

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I dunno, I'm tempted to suggest that compulsive shopping goes hand in hand with being a crossdresser and when you figure out why you do one, you'll figure out the other.

I say this because you've had many here who can dress when they like also write about the 150 skirts, 200 dresses and 300 pairs of heels they have. I think someone even lived alone and had 1000 dresses! (Or was it heels?!) I know a few GGs who shop to this extent but I'd guess you're all a LOT worse than the rest of us lol.

Teresa, maybe you can try what Jennifer suggested and just keep to 'window shopping'?

[Teresa]

Tinkerbell,
Tried that, easier on the pocket but seems to be more to it than that ! I don't know what but it's feels like a form of coming out ! The acceptance that I'm a CDer shopping for my own needs, I enjoy the interaction with the SAs !

I can never see a collection like that happening, I can't see the point !

Cheryl, Cding is suppose to relieve stress but doing it in a DADT relationship just piles it back on again !

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Teresa, would you feel better if everyone knew of Teresa? Or is it more you're seeking validation that she exists and you're frustrated no one acknowledges this side of you?

Have you thought of joining a CD support group and maybe hitting the town for a night out? You can tell your wife you're having drinks without any more details than that, and go set Teresa free!

[Rhonda Darling]

I'm in a simular situation, more a you can wear what you want but I don't want to see you dressed than a (DADT) and having our 38 year old son now living back with us and he considers me to be a freak, then it can put quite a damper on my dressing.
Martina

Sorry for the short hijack, but Martina! If your 38!!! year old son is back living with you, and thinks you're a freak, throw the SOB unceremoniously out of the house to go live on his own.

End of the hijack.
Rhonda

[Teresa]

Tinkerbell,
I think you have probably got it right, the only acceptance I have is the kind members on the forum !
Yes I have been invited to a support group and possibly give a talk on photography, I know I could do it but not without some acceptance and support from my wife ! I just see her having too many issues with me doing it !!

[Zylia]

Yes, I definitely have something of a compulsive shopping habit as well, but I wouldn't say it's strictly a cross-dressing thing. A lot of guys have it, but most happen to collect guitars or vinyl records instead of dresses.

[Terri Semes]

I get the urge to shop ,then when I go I usually just nervously browse the ladies wear and leave with nothing but somehow at times that puts me at ease.

[Katey888]

I think you've answered your own question here, Teresa...


... the only acceptance I have is the kind members on the forum !
Yes I have been invited to a support group and possibly give a talk on photography, I know I could do it but not without some acceptance and support from my wife ! I just see her having too many issues with me doing it !!

(My bold text) Teresa - you're kidding yourself... from what you have said it is unlikely your wife will ever support your little passion, even if she accepts it first... Go to a support group if you can - if your wife cannot accept that this is a way of supporting you emotionally (and not just an excuse to 'girl it up' with some other crossdressers...) then that in itself tells a story...

To your original point, but referring back to the extent of your repression and the emotional blackmail you're suffering; your buying clothes is something you can exert control over without your wife interfering - it is your rebellion over that blackmail. You can do it - so you do it! But it's a 'safe' rebellion in a way - she may not find out, and it's still keeping you repressed... :)

If it keeps you happy(ier) then it's probably OK - but can you afford it...? How much do you need to spend to be happy..? If you want to get out and meet others, my night out cost me less than a hundred sovs including the hotel... might be better value than more stuff to just be boxed...? :thinking:

Katey x

[Carmen]

Shopping fulfills several needs, yes compulsion is one. Necessity is another. From hose to makeup, we need certain things.
Shopping is also very validating, we go and search the racks and put outfits together and discover our particular style and fit. I get lost in my thoughts as I'm looking at cloths and finding something nice and getting happy because its my size...cool! I'm having fun and doing something that I enjoy.
I enjoy shopping for those reasons. If I find nothing then I'll go another time to another store.

Yes many SA's have helped me locate a particular item, suggested a blouse or skirt, I guess that is outing myself, as they usually figure out that the items are for me. Another form of validation.

Men's clothing is boring! Just pants and shirts, shorts and tee's. Boring.
Suits are stylish and nice to wear. Mine are all custom tailored European slim fit styles. I was fitted recently for a new suit. As the SA was doing my measurements he commented on my slender figure and how well the suit would look on me. He was right.

Teresa you need to get beyond the struggle and decide what is practical and what is only feeding the need. According to many posts here, crossdressing can be like a drug. Only another 'fix' will satisfy that urge for a while until the novelty wears off and we start looking again.
Coupled with the anxiety of living in a DADT situation, you will only make things worse. BTW I'm in the same boat as you are.

My thoughts,
Carmen

[Nati]

I set a monthly budget and stick to it. If I spend under my allotted amount one month, I allow myself to "make up" for it the next month. Before I would binge....then feel guilty. This month I'm not spending a dime 'cause I have something extra special in mind I wanna get next month. :-)

[Beverley Sims]

I usually buy these days out of necessity, like the other day, I came away with all winter clothing and I needed a light top to wear in the heat at the moment.

The DADT and then being offered clothing is an enigma I have suffered on occasions, gives me a false sense of security and makes me think there have been advances.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, Retail therapy is the best kind of therapy.

[Annaliese]

No it not just you, my wife will say why do you need another top, you have three just like that but in different color. She right, I have to pull my self back, all the time, or I would have a dozen new wardrobes. I heard the song the other day by Kellie Picker, Red high heels. Beside being stuck in my head, all I can thing about is getting a pair of red high heel.

[Amy Lynn3]

For me Tinkerbell nailed it. Shopping and cding go hand in hand. I love to shop....every city I enter I know where all the thrift shops are. I make a stop at each one. If I find something I like, I purchase it, but at a fraction of the cost of new. I am not out much money, but my urge to shop is satisfied. I do the same at department stores too, but I stay away from the big ticket items.

I'm not married, so I have no clue how to address the DADT policy.

[Krisi]

Urges are in your mind. You need to learn to control them if they become a problem.

[ophelia]

I do like shopping, especially thrift shopping. But in several areas of my life, my male wardrobe, the equipment for my work, and indeed my crossdressing garb...I am well stocked and really do not need anything new. Thrift shopping is an adventure and when you do buy something, new or not, it's a bargain, but that's the key for me.
Here's the mantra: It's not a bargain if you truly don't need it or can't fix it.
I come from a family of kleptomaniacs so now it is a point of pride when I turn down something which doesn't fit the mantra.
So yesterday at Value Village turning away from those perfect size 11W three inch platforms with the red soles.....
VICTORY!

Of course I tried them on with a few turns in the dressing room!

[Jammee]

Being married for a very long time, have found by grace just another reason to have married my wife. She encourages the shopping and is in the car waiting



A

[Michelle colson]

I'm guilty of too much shopping too, both in person and online. I tend to window shop mostly but sometimes I can't help myself and end up buying yet another dress or pair of shoes or whatever. My wife loves to shop and try on clothes so I kind of live vicariously through her sometimes. Once and a while I'll see something cute shopping with her and go back alone and get it for myself. As to the why or a remedy I have no suggestions.

[Sarah Louise]

Earlier this week, I had my first dressing up session for years. I now own one dress and one set of underwear. In guy mode, I only look at clothes if I know I need something in particular. However, since re-unleashing the girl in me, I'm amazed how I've suddenly become obsessed with searching online for new outfits. I've just ordered two new pairs of stockings even though I already have five - but hey, they're in a different shade and lower denier. I think I finally understand why my wife's favourite pastime is buying new clothes. She's got a massive wardrobe, but being petite, it's just a shame none of it fits me! Lol.

[Vanessa5]

I have major urges to shop as well. Mine are usually tied to me being down. I think I enjoy the looking for seperates to make an outfit. I tend to buy more than i need,but I am getting better at controling the urdge. And as a bonus I do have lots of clothes!

[sometimes_miss]

Sorry for the short hijack, but Martina! If your 38!!! year old son is back living with you, and thinks you're a freak, throw the SOB unceremoniously out of the house to go live on his own.
I used to preach the same thing. I know lots of parents who's adult children wind up coming back to 'the nest'. And I wondered why people put up with it. Until......someone told me. She wondered if she had failed as a parent, not teaching her kid what he needed to know, to survive on his own. She thought that she had done her best, given her child everything she herself didn't have, and couldn't understand why her son turned out to be incapable of finishing school, of holding down a job for longer than a few months, of prioritizing monetary expenditures. Her son was a failure, and she felt so guilty, she didn't have the heart to kick him out, because she felt responsible for his failure and didn't know how to get him to understand that he needed to be responsible for himself.

[Sarina Curtis]

Would it be fair to say you're married to your wife because you found her, and her fashion sense, attractive? If you see her with something on that looks good to you, it seems pretty logical that it's something you'd want for yourself too. On a just completed trip to the States my wife hit the Victoria's Secret shops pretty hard and I had to fight off jealous feelings as I helped her pick things out which I also thought would look great on me (and there were some panties in there I would have killed for!). Being DADT makes things I challenge I bet, but it would likely be good to let your wife in on your purchases before she stumbles on to them which should help minimize the anger that could follow. As for wanting the same pair of wedges that she bought, I know my wife would be rather ticked off if I was literally in the same shoes as her. even just letting her know you're making a purchase, not so much what you intend to buy, and how much you're looking to spend could help ease some of the tension.

I love the shopping side of things too, fortunately I have limited storage space which helps me keep my spending within acceptable limits!!

[jennifer easton]

Teresa the joys of retail therapy has rescued me from depression more than once, like you the need to buy things I will probably never get to wear out sometimes is overwhelming it all gos back to the fact that deep down we are female and the need to stay in Vogue is part of are basic instinct we cant help ourselves. xoxoxox Jenni

[Nikki.Kontos]

I'm finding now that I am getting into it more that I am getting the urge to browse more, both online and instore, although at the moment I don't lead on that it's for me lol

[Mollyanne]

From what you describe and how you described it I would say that you want to be accepted but feel guilty because of how you do it. I'm sure you know that your "hidden items" will be discovered one day and you will have to answer all those questions about "why". I, myself have accepted who I am not as to why the way I am. I am just wired a bit differently. Just a little bit of guilt can turn into a much bigger issue when not addressed.

Molly