It never ends

[Cheyenne Skye]

I was shopping at the mall the other day. I've been in a financial rut for months so it felt good to do a little retail therapy. So I go into this one store that's kind of a favorite of mine. I browse around, find some things to try on and then go to pay. When I get to the register, the girl asks if I have their reward card. I don't have it on me and she offers to look it up on the computer. I pause for a second. I know I haven't been in this store in a while. And it's been six months since my legal name change. So I say "It would be under (insert male name here)." Then I ask her if she can change the name. She asks her supervisor only to find out they can't. I would have to call and explain myself. So I ask if she can check the old account to see if I've accrued anything worthwhile. "No, I would need the card. Would you like to just open a new one?" Duh. So she signs me up again but with the correct name this time.

Just when you think you're done outing yourself to everyone, some stupid thing like this happens and you have to suffer the indignation once again. Boy is it tiresome.

So later I spy a LADY Footlocker. I've been thinking of getting new running shoes soon anyway so I pop in to see what they have. I walk over to the wall with the shoes and pick up a few pairs to check the price. Then the salesgirl says, "Let me know if I can help you with something, sir" I immediately put the shoe down and walked out. I mean seriously. I was wearing skinny jeans, cute knee high boots, a tight sweater (boobs rather obvious), carrying a purse and my long hair was down. (Think your average girl in casual chic.) And I'm shopping in a store that only caters to women. All I could think of as I walked out was that she just lost a sale. But as I stewed a bit longer it did get my ire up and I was tempted to go back and complain. But I didn't.

Does this kind of stuff ever end? I just want to get on with my life.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry you have had this. It does slow down, but every now and then I still get the odd misgendering.

A funny one the other day that happened to me, I was in a unisex hairdresser that charges per treatment. I had only asked for wash & blow dry but the hairdresser recommended trimming the ends as well. One of her colleagues pointed out that this will cost extra (it doesn't for a man) and my hairdresser replied "He knows, this lady has been here before"

[Andy66]

Maybe you should write an email to the corporate offices of Lady Footlocker. That SA sounds like a real dummy.

[Persephone]

I'm with Andy, a letter to corporate might be in order.

Yes, crap happens from time to time, but really, it is few and far between. If it happens in an important situation it's probably worth bothering about, if it happens like it did in Lady Footlocker, well, you did the right thing.

Someone here has "Illigitimus non carborundum est" as their signature line. It's a a philosophy I've long subscribed to, it loosley translates as "Don't let the Bast***s grind you down."

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Aprilrain]

People see what they see. It only takes an instant to gender someone and most of us have a lot going against us, especially in the facial department. I doubt the girl was being intentionally rude. There is a woman who comes to a support group meeting I attend. Her face is quite masculine, her hair is long and she wears all female clothing but it's all a bit androgynous. Even her purse looks more like a man bag to me. If I saw her walking around the mall I would just think rocker dude or slightly eccentric femme male. I probably wouldn't even think transitioner because her outfits are so andro. I'm just using her as an example of someone who might be misgendered but I doubt people would be doing it intentionally or maliciously. They just wouldn't even realize she was trying to pass as a woman.

[Andy66]

I have to agree with Aprilrain. There is a certain type of man (often gay) who dresses like a woman but considers himself male. Unfortunately they look very similar to transwomen. The sales person may have been confused, but then she should have left out the Maam or Sir altogether.

[PretzelGirl]

There are going to be different ways these misgenderings hit each of us. I also think there is a difference between getting misgendered by coworkers, family, and friends versus strangers. Strangers kind of tell you that they perceived something (or they are just being oblivious) and that brings a level of pain with it. Everyone who knows you is different to me as they have to work through a motor memory. The people I know are doing pretty good, but there are some slip-ups. One runs a meeting with directors in it. The first week I was at out work and at the meeting he said "Steve can you work these items" and never flinched. The next two weeks he went "Steve....sorry Sue". He always calls me Sue when one on one. He'll get there.

But the people you don't know are tougher. Some or all of it will change over time. It will always hurt. What you can control is how you act to it. In the case of a store worker that won't be there in 6 months, I don't know if going off does anything to them. But it might make you feel better. Writing a letter may help as mentioned. Somewhere in there has to be something to allow you to get it out of your system so you can move on. Ultimately it is what is better for you in the long run. I am prepared to be misgendered for the rest of my life. Will it happen that long? I have no idea. But I want to set myself up to expect it then I will be better able to deal with it.

I know it hurts and I feel your pain. We don't ever want this. Find a way to release it so that you are helping yourself. For anyone still in therapy, this is a good topic to work through, even if you are pre-transition.

[MonicaJean]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this as well. The name change sounds like a policy that itself needs changing an the misgendering doesn't seem to be spiteful.

A letter to the corp office is good but only if tempered with an understanding of how April explained it: she wasn't being rude intentionally.

This is a time where I feel Sona's words provide you the iron-shield a trans person needs to instantly deal with any misgendering: "you have to get to the place where you don't give a sh** what anyone says".

I love that quote, it means self-protection and self-assurance. An iron shield we all can use.

[Emma Beth]

Sometimes, in a sales floor setting, misgendering has nothing to do with perceiving gender cues.

I work in a grocery store and deal with the public 40 hours a week. The sheer number of people that I come into contact with can feel quite over whelming at times. When you greet everyone like you are supposed to, your mouth can develop a temporary muscle memory kind of thing. So, even though you see a woman, sir comes out instead of ma'am.

It can be embarrassing for both parties; however, the sales person should have been paying closer attention to the situation and apologized and made an attempt at correcting the situation to the best of their ability. Especially if they have any concern with keeping their job.

I can't count all the times when my mouth ran away from me and I sired when I should have ma'amed and vice versa over the last 12 years.

[I Am Paula]

I have two Kia cars, both sold to Paul. They are registered to Paula, but Kia says it cannot change an invoice. Every time they call me to remind me about service, they misgender me.
During an oil change or the like, they misgender me again, to tell me my car is ready.
I've brought this up with Kia four or five times, and they apologize, then do it again.
Last week, at an oil change, I reached over the counter, took a post it note, wrote 'my name is Paula' on it, and stuck it to my work order. IT WORKED!!

[Inna]

Sorrow, frustration, pain, like someone sticking a dagger into barely beating heart. God I have been there!
But as we maneuver this realm of transition our perceptions and senses are picking up vibes on a defensive measure due to being in hyper vigilant mode.
As we use "Delusion" in a way to ease the pain and create possibility of somewhat normal existence, when we hear someone refer to us in a masculine form, our delusion of self morphing into femininity is stripped, revealing the mortifying realness of still occupying the repulsive reality of middle ground.

Nothing! nothing can ease the pain, however, with time and understanding, knowing that whoever does refer to an individual in the masculine manner does so not out of contempt but simply out of lack of cognitive reasoning, simply deciphering body gender and so calling a person as they see it on the most superficial level.

Hormones do an amazing job but they do take time, time which when transitioning, seems never fast enough!

[Cheyenne Skye]

Inna, and here I thought two years of HRT was enough.

Never mind a couple of weeks ago I went to the Muffler shop to get a quote for a repair. The tail pipe rusted out in two places. The Muffler has a warranty but it's under "his" name. When I asked the guy to change the name, he did but then asked who "he" was. To which I responded, it was me.


Like I said, tiresome.

[Jorja]

I would like to guarantee you that one day it will end. Nothing is certain though. After I had FFS a lot of the misgendering stopped. However, there were those little things like muffler warranties and club memberships that would undoubtedly force me to out myself. Eventually, everything was taken care of. I'll bet I haven't been misgendered once in 30 years now. Stick with it. You are still early on in the process. Like all good things, it take time.

[Eryn]

Then the salesgirl says, "Let me know if I can help you with something, sir" I immediately put the shoe down and walked out...

Next time you might try turning to her and saying "excuse me?" and wait for her response. I'll bet she would correct herself immediately.

There are many genetic women who have masculine characteristics and I'm sure that they have to put up with occasions where they get misgendered by people who go on first impressions. They likely wouldn't walk out, but they would probably be assertive in letting the salesgirl know their displeasure in being misgendered. That doesn't mean being obnoxious, but one could say "Excuse me, but do you know how much being called "Sir" hurts me?"

The salesgirl cannot be 100% sure of your birth gender and in that sort of situation there is no real alternative to a rapid apology. It might also lead to her being more careful in the future.

If she argues the point or persists in misgendering, that is the time to go up the corporate ladder.

[Aimee20]

I really wonder in situations like this why it would be necessary to use a gendered pronoun. Obviously there are enough visual cues to at least be ambiguous, so why not just say "Welcome to Lady Footlocker, is there anything I can help you with?" And leave it at that.

[Nicole Erin]

...I was in a unisex hairdresser that charges per treatment. I had only asked for wash & blow dry but the hairdresser recommended trimming the ends as well. One of her colleagues pointed out that this will cost extra (it doesn't for a man) and my hairdresser replied "He knows, this lady has been here before"

REAL tactful on her part, yes?

This brings up something interesting that a lot of TG have to deal with -
Why is it TG get gendered a certain way when it is to THEIR benefit? Case in point -
Suppose a men's cut was more expensive. Would they have gendered Rianna as "he?"
How would that shop priced the service for an FTM?

[docrobbysherry]

Let me count the reasons why I would never consider going out dressed alone to vanilla venues, Cheyenne. Yours r in my top 100!

I'm very sympathetic with your and every dresser's suffering at the hands of some unknowledgeable and unthinking individual. But, it doesn't sound like any of these occurrances were done with malicious intent.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Its totally different when its about your gender identity
....and we don't have a choice where we go.... we go everywhere

have you thought about what you just said?? you don't go out to straight places because transsexuals get misgendered sometimes??? gee thanks
nobody said it was malicious
its totally IRRELEVANT WHY it happens....
talk about suffering at the hands of unknowledgeable and unthinking individuals...

======
Cheyenne...I think you said the exactly right thing...it is tiresome...

my issue is with my family...its non stop.... they love me to death but call me him even to other people sometimes!!!!!!! .... especially my dad...
they beg forgiveness and feel bad too(which only makes me feel worse)...

It does never end... a couple weeks ago I went to an open mic night for my guitar and my dad offered to come...I didn't want him because I knew he would walk around to all the new people I met there calling me K---- and him....
In the end, I told him not to talk to anybody and that's what he did.... he literally had to not talk .....
its just the way it is and I have learned like you (I transitioned 5 years ago) that its tiresome...

[DeeDee1974]

I always consider the intent of the person when I am misgendered. Was a a simple mistake (which I can let pass) or is someone calling me out. Unfortunately a lot of the time it is an ignorant person trying to belittle me. And then as someone who is an introvert and not confrontational, I internalize and it get more upset.
At this point I feel like I wear a lot more skirts/dresses just hoping everyone gets the point. I guess in going overboard. I have to admit that I spend too much time worrying about it.

[MarieTS]

Frustrating, tiring Cheyenne? Yes. But it is just part of what we sometimes must endure. Just update your cards, etc., and stroll in with confidence. When they make that mistake, laugh your best incredulous femme laugh with a warm smile and full eye contact, then quickly add, "Do you want to try that again, Denise?" or whatever the clerk's name happens to be. Warmth and humour will win over more people than anger.
Hang in there, it's o.k.!