I was out and then it dragged me back

[Amanda L.]

I'd like to put up this thread as a follow on to Cheryl Ann Owens thread on 'What is the phenomenon for early crossdressing?'
Identifying the early stimulators to crossdressing is one thing but what puzzles me is why the urge disappears (in most of us I would guess) for a great portion of our lives and then resurfaces with such gusto around middle age.
So what are our collective experiences around this?
Luv
Amanda

[Kate Simmons]

We may feel by that time that we have fulfilled our specialty functions as a male and then revert to what feels more natural. The hormones have quieted down and we have more latitude to be in touch with our feelings and express them outwardly. :)

[Samantha_Smile]

We may feel by that time that we have fulfilled our specialty functions as a male and then revert to what feels more natural. The hormones have quieted down and we have more latitude to be in touch with our feelings and express them outwardly. :)

I suspect that hormone balance has a great part to play in this. Its no secret that as we age, testosterone production slows right down, evidenced by loss of body hair, weight gain, erectile disfunction amongst other symptoms.
Proportionally, that normally low level of oestrogen that men have naturally, as a ratio becomes much higher as testosterone levels fall
(Exaggerated example but, in youth say 50 parts testosterone, to 5 parts oestrogen -oestrogen level is 10%, but as production slows, to say 25 parts testosterone to that same 5 parts oestrogen the oestrogen percentage is now 20%)
Add this to extra time on your hands thanks to retirement, you are going to dress more... well, I probably will :D

[kimdl93]

For me, the desire to dress as a girl never disappeared between preschool and later life, but it was very actively repressed. I wanted it to disappear, but it would not.

[Kate's at home]

I too have wondered about this many times. It seems to be a somewhat common experience for many of us here, I've noticed. I have found absolutely no answer for myself. I suspect it is both hormones and life experience. For me, most of the typically "male" pursuits and activities that I've wanted to experience, I have. Now, this interests me more. And, like past pursuits, while remaining a constant focus of attention, the specific desires and intensity shifts daily.

Good thread...

Others?

Kate

[Marcelle]

Hey Amanda,

I am a definite "late bloomer" fooled around with CDing at 17 years old then put it away for 32 years until it came crashing into my life with a vengeance. I guess for me it was my everyday life which allowed me to put things on hold and not dress. However, I did have a proclivity for using certain female items of clothing for sexual gratification (on my own) which I though was just a kink. My therapist and I talked about this and she indicated that while I may have been able to fill the void with a busy life, the use of a feminine articles of clothing for sexual gratification acted as a sort of "place marker" or "proxy" for my CDing tendencies. This would allow for the release of my female identity on some level but it was still resident and eventually this would not cut it and the more I tried to deny it, fight it and so on, the female identity fought back and hence the period of confusion, depression and discovery a year ago.

So I guess added to your question would be:

Did you cease to dress the entire time or was there some sort of proxy during that period?

Hugs

Isha

[Sarah Beth]

That I wanted to dress never really went away it was there, I did it some in college and then after I was married at age 24 I did it in secret. There were perios in there, one of about three years when I did dress. During those years I was trying to be as macho as I could be, doing a lot of crazy wild "manly" things. I was only repressing what was there, what I knew was there. After my wife caugt me and we had blowup when I was 28 I didn't dress for about a year but then I started to again.

I think its different for everyone, for whatever reason.

[AKADonna]

For me, the urge to dress femme began at about 12-13 years old, but then at 18, I was drafted for Vietnam and, as you might expect, got a little busy and with my fellow servicemen always around, didn't have many opportunities to be pretty ! After 2 tours over 6 years, I came home to be married and quickly had a family to raise, house to buy, bills to pay and had to busily work my butt off to break even and to get ahead. Oh, I thought of dressing from time to time, but with all of the family activities and little kids around, it just never was that important at the time. Later, in middle age, those urges returned when I wasn't so busy. But, I was confused about my feminine urges and my need to experiment as a submissive in BDSM and then a pro Mistress I went to put it all together for me by completely feminizing me in a BDSM session. She had let the genie out of the bottle and my feminine side was exposed! I have felt the need to dress (at least underdress) almost every day since then (14 or 15 years). Now that I'm nearing 70, it appears that my testosterone production has ebbed as I no longer grow hair on my body and I am not nearly consumed by sexual drive as I used to be.

[Maria Blackwood]

Kid: Hey, this feels nice!
Society: THOU SHALT NOT!
Kid: ...okay...
Society: RIGHT, THEN!

(Time passes)

Middle aged: Hey, this still feels nice.
Society: THOU SH-
Middle aged: EFF YOU, SOCIETY!
Society: Buh?

[StephanieinSecret]

This. A million times this.

Being busy makes all the difference to me. I don't find the urge truly decreases at aby time, but I have a lot fewer chances to dwell on it if there's other, critical matters at hand.

[Eringirl]

Really good question and comments. For me, it was very strong about 15 years ago, for about 2 years. Then family incidents, I think, required me to take a very male roll and be the "man of the house" and take care of everyone. I think that I felt my family needed a male presence, so I put "me" on hold. Now, with less family responsibility (and I also think the hormone balance theory plays a roll), it has come back stronger than ever. My therapist indeed told me that she doubts that it is going to go away this time, so....life gets interesting very fast !! ;)

Erin

[Rachael Leigh]

For me I too tried to repress my desires for many years even after I was married and my wife knew I enjoyed dressing, but I think I began to shift my dressing into a fetish area that has similar characteristics to dressing but it has what I would call areas routed in my childhood so thats prob why I didnt really dress as I do now for so long. I know now this is a part of me and if I choose to stop I do think I could but it would be my choice not because its not me.
Not only that but not long ago I think based on the true definition of TG I think I realized that I am in fact TG just not one who desires to be a women.

[Teresa]

Amanda,
I never really got a break from it ! It started as sexual and never went away ! It niggled at me every single day and still does despite whatever else is going on, I just had to get use to working round it ! The only way I'm going to fully come to terms with it is to stop hiding it and totally come out !

[docrobbysherry]

Don't know. Hormones or just life in general?

But, whatever started me CDing rite out of the blue at age 50+ may be why all of your dormant CD genes kick in as u age, too?

[Ressie]

The urge has always been with me. Am I in the minority?

[Melissa18]

Hi Amanda,
Great question, it has really got me thinking.
I've been dressing all my life albeit in the deep dark recesses of my closet, though in the last year or so, lateish middle age has started to creep up on me and the urge to dress is stronger than it has ever been. My thoughts are that it is the dreaded mid life crisis, some men get themselves a trophy wife, some get a new sports car motor bike,some take up extreme sport or go and climb mount Everest, while us CDers, rush out buy a new dress and go to the beauty salon, it is how we express our midlife crisis.
Hugs Adelaide

[Donnagirl]

Amanda,

You know my story is much the same... I had a good think about any incidents between 13 or so and mid fourties. There were three times, all at fancy dress parties were I went not so much dressed, more in drag!! For the rest of the time whilst I there was the occasional gnawing in the darkest depths on my mind, suppression and denial was easy.

I'm not sure what triggered 'her' release but fighting became harder and harder. I'm still learning that denying the urge can lead to me becoming moody, angry, short tempered and evenually self destructive. My recent trip to the the psych rather bluntly pointed out that denial of this part of me was futile and foolish, especially if it was harming me and causing distress to my family.

Much as I really wish there was a cure, for mental, emotional and financial reasons, I guess I'm stuck with this. It is a little embarrassing knowing you fought a battle of wills against yourself and lost!!! Oh well, when's the next flight to Thailand.

[Katey888]

I don't think the urge has ever disappeared (so you're not alone Ressie, and I doubt that we're in the minority here...:)) but it was never strong enough to get in the way of other 'life' stuff that was ultimately more important and absorbing. The nature of how we have been stigmatised in the past by society has a part to play for me in suppressing the desire, and more lately the fact that I have less to lose if outed (career, family impact, etc.) has opened the opportunity more. A better understanding of where this urge comes from has helped me come to more self-acceptance too: "I'm not a pervert after all! Yaaaay!!! (Well, not in this way at least... :lol:)

Katey x

[Athena_]

Amanda,

I remember always having a strong urge to dress even as a preteen. While my desire to dress is high, the ability to dress has varied depending on the time avaliable, as well as other factors. I have often thought that the inability to dress any time that I want, helps to drive my desire to dress. Most of my life, I have had to be a stealth dresser. Currently, my DADT marriage and three teen children are the focus of most of my free time. I will say that, when I have the opportunity, I enjoy staying dressed longer now that when I was younger. I have never had a time in my life that I can remember when I have wanted to dress less.

[S. Lisa Smith]

For me, the desire to dress as a girl never disappeared between preschool and later life, but it was very actively repressed. I wanted it to disappear, but it would not.
That's me!!!

[Allison2006]

The urge never really went away for me. I think the longest I've ever gone without dressing has been about a year, and the longest without thinking about dressing has only been a couple of months, 6 at most.

[Yoshisaur]

I'm currently 20 and I have never really lost my urge to crossdress. I have stopped dressing or not think about it for a period of time before but the urge to do so always comes back after a while. The longest I think I went without dressing was eleven months.

[charlenesomeone]

Repression and subsitutions can tamp down the urges. But for me something always set off
the pink fog again. Now I'm not even trying to back off.

[aussie cd]

Hi Amanda
the urge has never disappeared at any stage, however at 51 now more intense!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'm just curious why it moves from private dressing to public. What is it about middle age that has you wanting to 'be seen'?

[Sarah Louise]

I've recently come back to dressing after a few years. One thing I've noticed is it's perhaps not as hard as say 20 years ago.

1. I can now buy girl clothes online instead of the embarrassment of buying in public.
2.When I go online I can go incognito so no other internet users can see what I'm up to.
3.I can pick up my online order for girl clothes from a local store in plain packaging rather than worry about other members of my family intercepting my delivery.
4. My credit card statement can only be viewed online by me as I choose not to receive paper statements in the mail.
5. I can access a wealth of information about cross dressing from sites like this one.

Now I'm not saying it's necessarily easy, but maybe if I couldn't have access to modern advantages like above, then maybe I would still be repressing my urges to cross dress.

[Janine cd]

I've never had the urge to dress go away. I suppressed it for a short time after marrying but the urge was still there.

[Allisa]

The urge never really went away but in my 20's until my30's I was following a different urge men have and being femme was for the girls I was engaging. Then in the 90's I found myself making big bucks and being single with little commitments I needed something to do soooo,the fog took over and I embraced it totally then came the questioning and I was back in denial for awhile but then my 50's hit and I embraced my femme again and now I'm loving it and not going back anytime soon. I guess as it has been said "T" levels may be to blame and I know I'm a man and now want to enjoy my femme self attitude.

[Christen]

I don't think the urge has ever disappeared (so you're not alone Ressie, and I doubt that we're in the minority here...:)) but it was never strong enough to get in the way of other 'life' stuff that was ultimately more important and absorbing. The nature of how we have been stigmatised in the past by society has a part to play for me in suppressing the desire, and more lately the fact that I have less to lose if outed (career, family impact, etc.) has opened the opportunity more. A better understanding of where this urge comes from has helped me come to more self-acceptance too: "I'm not a pervert after all! Yaaaay!!! (Well, not in this way at least... :lol:)

Katey x

Katey pretty much did my answer for me, thanks luv!
But I do have an analogy. Get a big bottle of coke and stand in the sun for years gently shaking it. Everything is fine for oh, so long but eventually the pressure gets to a certain point, and the cap weakens from the sun. And then Bang! it all comes flooding out.
So I think we just get sick and tired of denying ourselves this expression of a weird, but valid part of us.
And frankly I just don't want to right through my life without another living soul seeing the other me, or nor having been able to interact in person with others who deal with this little dilemma.

Christen x

[Michaelasfun]

I didn't get fully into it til after I had passed 50 a couple years ago, then it hit with a vengeance..kind of made it possible to redo myself completely which was exciting...

[LelaK]

I've always been single and usually always had opportunity to dress in my room, which I probably did a few days a month on average. I always wore panties, instead of men's underwear. I only had one or two skirts or dresses most of the time. But last year I got several more. But I'm still in limbo now, looking for an affordable room in this state. If I get settled down, I'll be free to dress again and feel better doing so.

To answer Tinkerbell, for me it's not being seen dressed that's important. It's being able to be comfortable dressed in the presence of others who are tolerant or understanding. Being in drab isn't as comfortable as being dressed and it's fun to be comfortably dressed and respected around others.

[Miss Interpretation]

I think it has a lot to do with experience and aging. At some point, you have accomplished most of what you have wanted and no longer care what society thinks about you. You decide to pursue what you've always wanted and now have the confidence and means to do it!

[Donnagirl]

I'm just curious why it moves from private dressing to public. What is it about middle age that has you wanting to 'be seen'?

Tink,

Speaking for myself only, dressing in public satisfies my need for that adrenalin rush, to enjoy the unexpected happiness I get from being out from what feels like a lifetime behind the bedroom door. In a way it's a big FU to conformity, to society. I'm doing what I want, what strangely feels right...

I reckon the buzz will eventually fade, but for now I can't seem to get enough! (Even though I would rather get this legal buzz some other way!!!)

Cheers,

Donna

[Gardener]

I am not wholly true that the description of the trait disappearing is accurate. I seem to remember a huge fascination in childhood focussed on my Mum's clothes. I am sure that initially it was quite innocent and based around dressing up games. However it impacted on me. Whether because of or as well as, I am unsure, but throughout adolescence and beyond I was affected by gender anxiety thoughts. I do not think any of this went away but it was buried as deeply as I could by work and all those responsibilities. It never went away. The burying was conscious no doubt. I know I felt I was doing bad things and it had to be hidden. Later in life a new direction took off and over a long time I learned to be kinder to myself and also that what I had buried was not bad, but the burial had left something toxic inside me. I told my wife, it did not go down well, but we survived. In my own low level way I can freely express that feminine part of myself. Probably not as much as I would like but that is my choice. What I would hope for my children and grandchildren is that they feel less pressured by societal attitudes so that they can express themselves without the fears I felt when I was building myself professionally and consequently allowed these unexpressed feelings to fester inside me.

[Amanda L.]

First of all thank you girls for contributing to this thread. Your comments and shared experiences illustrate what a great community we are.
Interesting to note the general agreeance that the urge never really goes away but while not being active is simmering below the surface. I can relate to this. Though seemingly "cured" of this childhood affliction every now and then something would spark a gentle reminder that there was something below the surface. But it does resurrect itself and almost everyone agrees it comes back stronger and longer and the guilt we may have once felt diminishes in an almost inverse proportion.
The internet has definitely made it easier for us to maintain anonymity and hide the anxiety of face to face purchase.
Then there's the hormone debate which may support the mid-life crisis/late bloomer situation but also coincides with greater free time (?), greater disposable income now the kids are off the hands and the fact that as we get older, what we may have held true by societal convention, we just don't give a flying fornication about now.
So what is it that also fuels our desire to get out into the public? Speaking from recent experiences getting out and about is a massive rush and is something that I long to do again. But how is it I (and I am sure many others) have moved away from being satisfied to sit in the safety of our homes and potentially put ourselves at risk? Have we done so much in our earlier years to drive our desire for excitement that this is the new 'Mt. Everest' or is it that we don't give a bugger what people think. I don't know and will leave this thought alone. Perhaps a topic for another thread.
One thing I have gleaned though is this thing we do isn't going away. We are in for the long haul. It is at the Core of who we are.
Do I wish there was a cure and would I take it?
No
There's nothing wrong with me.
Love to you all
Amanda

[Beverley Sims]

It subsides because of other interests in our lives that take on a more major role.

[Tina_gm]

It subsides because of other interests in our lives that take on a more major role.

That is likely a good reason. On any given moment, if we are at work, or with family or whatever, and there is no Cding involved of any kind, and we are busy with whatever we are busy with, it typically (at least for me) is not a driving thought. Not that it never crosses my mind during those times..... But say in your 20's and 30's, raising a family, moving up in jobs, buying homes and or re locating,, they take up a lot of time and energy, and are ultimately more important than how we are dressed.

As for me, the true desire never really waned. I could and did learn how to try real hard to repress it, deny it. Sometimes I could purge the desires and feminiity for many weeks, but it would in some way always return.

I truly do not know the exact reason for the point in which I felt I HAD to tell my wife. I know I felt I had to. My acceptance of myself was beginning to grow. Perhaps (a therapist suggested this) was a point of self healing from all of the internal conflict over the years. Rather than being at war with myself, I was coming to a point where I could like all of me, not just some of me.