Coming out to family

[MonicaJean]

Yet another Michelle coming out to her family…. :)

This week I came out to my sister, while I wanted to do this in-person, distance make this objective difficult at best, so a phone call it was.

After 45 minutes of telling her my emotional hell, explaining dysphoria and standing on the precipous of possible death, her takeway was that trans gender isn’t all about some glam show on TV, it is very real, it is very painful to keep under wraps. Her first thing was “are you gay?”. I explained to her no, this is about gender, not sexuality.

The next day, after nearly 2 hours of talking on the phone, she started to understand after the shock of the first day’s news about her new sister wore off slightly. However, she understood and wasn’t choosing to be against me. I view this as a big win as I told her that she has had only 2 days to digest everything while I’ve had 40 years, told her to take all the time she needs and ask me any question whatsoever.

Overall, I’m finding that a trans person needs to be much more open about one’s life than any non-trans person could ever be. Our souls are laid bare for everyone to examine, the truth shoots out of us like a fire hose, not a garden hose, and people who aren’t superficial—the ones who take the time to listen and understand—are the ones who care enough to not cast us out. Just about all we can ask from people, especially casual acquaintences.

Also came out to a business owner/client of mine, not only was he supportive, he offered me a room in his home in case my house gets too unbearable to live once I open up to my wife. Talk about being blown away with his generosity!!! WOW! And his entire place, he assured me, would be fully supportive. I can see it already. It’s humbling, it brought tears to my eyes when I was there yesterday.

So far, the support has been amazing, I will be coming out to the wife late this coming week. This is the tough one of course. Once the dust settles from this, I’ll be able to map out the future more clearly, until then, we’ll see.

So yes, I’m very curious to hear about how Michelle789’s coming out to her family goes (yes, I bookmarked the topic :) ) so people can learn from the pair of Michelle’s who are all-in with this transition thing.

For me, it’s truly transition or die. While that’s not everyone’s experience, it was indeed mine. And once I explained that to my sister, she started to understand the gravity of all this.

[Sandra]

I really hope it goes well with your wife but.....I would be very upset if I later found out that I was 3rd in line to be told.

[MonicaJean]

I understand, its a chance I take. Given other emotional issues with her and a marriage that quite frankly sucks, I felt it imperative to find balance and clarity prior to telling her, especially working with a therapist

[Sandra]

Like I said I really do hope it goes well. Keep us posted.

[MonicaJean]

Thank you Sandra, I'm hoping and praying for the best but expecting the worst.

[Rachel Smith]

Congrats and I hope things go well for you going forward. My marriage was not the best either and this was the straw that broke the camels back. I hope you fair better.

[DebbieL]

Michelle,
Congratulations, you've figured out the secret to coming out successfully. I found out that when I shared a taste of the pain I had gone through as a boy, and how close I came to killing myself, and how hard it was to finally choose to come out and transition, people who know me, have a great deal more compassion.

My talk is something like this, usually in response to "Why do you want to become a girl?".

I was always a girl, when I was two, kids would push or take my toys and I wouldn't fight back. I'd often get physically injured. When I made friends with the girl next door, I loved playing quietly with her, and several other girls in the neighborhood. I just WAS one of the girls. When I was in first grade, the teacher made me go out and play with the boys during recess, within 15 minutes I got stoned - they threw rocks at me. Then I got home and got clubbed - with sticks the size of baseball bats. This went on almost every day I went to school, often 3 or 4 times a day. I was hospitalized 64 times before 6th grade. When my testes dropped, I tried to poach them, crush them and strangle them, but I went through puberty anyway. When I found out that my voice had changed and I was able to sing bass, I was despondent, I turned to drugs, tried to overdose every week-end, often drinking myself to black-outs where I would try to get others to kill me, or end up in the coat room with my head between someone's legs - and I never knew which it would be each time. Ultimately I ended up with a quarter pound of ground glass in my stomach and didn't tell anyone for 4 days. I wasn't able to talk to a qualified therapist until I was thirty, and he told me I was a type 6 transsexual - he said it was a miracle I had survived, most who were this severe were dead by 25 if they didn't transition. I started transition back then, but my ex-wife threatened to have my visitations, and all other contact with my kids revoked, but not my child support.

I had to wait until my daughter graduated from college to reconsider transition, but in the mean time, my weight doubled, I had two heart attacks and a stroke, and was becoming suicidal again. With Lee's support, I got back into gender therapy, started HRT, and a year later was living full time as Debbie. I'm happier, healthier, and more productive than I've ever been in my life, because I don't have to put such a huge amount of energy trying to "pass" as a guy. Most people like me more as Debbie. I hope you do too.

Sometimes I'll start with the finger test - asking them to show me their hand. If it's a man with a masculine hand (longer ring finger than index finger) or a woman with a feminine hand (longer index than ring), I'll do the finger thing, because I have very feminine hands (ring is almost 20% shorter. I've also seen my cat scan, due to my stroke, and it showed a feminine brain, smaller Limbic system.

That talk, authentically given, takes 5-10 minutes, depending on how many questions, and by the end, they realize that I should have transitioned a long time ago.

[MonicaJean]

Thank you all. Tonight's the big night. To say I'm nervous is an understatement.

[Sandra]

Good luck

[charlenesomeone]

Good luck Michelle, hoping for the best for you. Let us know how it goes.
Hugs

[MonicaJean]

Thank you all.

Told the wife, I read from a 4 page letter so I could stay on track, and to avoid issues of things being misinterpreted. It was my story, my heart. My therapist loved it, clear, concise, reassuring to the spouse.

Page 1 & 2 were mostly my story, when I got to page 3 and my heart, then mentioned ‘gender dysphoria’, the train fell off the rails. I had wished she would find some light somewhere, sooo wished for that. She painted me black and would have none of it. Then told me I shouldn’t have told the kids because I now have ruined their lives. (ummm no, honesty is best, but delivered in smaller, age-appropriate portions).

Life with a high-functioning BPD spouse is next to impossible. I have to remind myself of this. (for those of you that don’t know, BPD’s don’t have the capacity for close, deep relationship)

So now I’m sick. I’m off base. I’m a transvestite. I’m everything I told her I wasn’t on page 1 of the letter, it’s like she didn’t hear it…she only heard the fear in her head. Yeah, it’s shock to her, i told her i’d give her as much time as she needs to process this. But, nope.

I asked her to go to my Christian therapist. She flatly rejected any attempt to ask her to go.

Kids are faring better. Son is like ‘WUT??!’ but with relationship with him, he will be fine in time, day by day. Daughter is already doing fine(!).

Bottom line, I feel much better about getting this out there. But it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

But she’s on her phone, rallying the troops to believe in her side of the story, which is expected. But I wish she would hear my heart and the pain and struggle. She wanted none of that. So of course, her ‘troops’ won’t know my heart. Time to make a private YouTube video (but not release it quite yet) so only those who are interested can hear my side…the struggle, the pain, all of what I have learnt. Lots of revelations those ‘troops’ won’t know about and will judge me for because they won’t be told them at all. Sigh.

Being trans is amazingly difficult sometimes, right?


I wrote this topic this past week: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?221002-Have-you-ever-written-a-letter-this-beautiful-about-your-transition
The quote from this link that kept playing in my mind last night was "I want to hold him in my arms and assure him everything, for once in his life, is going to be okay."

But what I have gotten over the years is distance, lack of emotional & physical intimacy. And I got that yet again last evening. All I wanted was to her to hear my heart. :(((((((

[Promethea]

I'm sorry it went down that way, Michelle. But I'm a firm believer that sometimes these crisis need to happen, they can be a necessary purge in our lifes (as terrible as it may sound).
That doesn't mean they will be nice, but have faith that after a while, when the dust has settled down, you will receive proof that it was all for the best, and you will feel so much better than you do right now.

It is terrifying, though, here I am, out to the world, already 24/7, but my family still doesn't know. You are very brave, and I admire you for having done this!

[MonicaJean]

she still won’t hear my heart. This hurts :( Her BIL claims this behavior is abhorrent, the reason for the coming darkness, perverse, and so on. While he heard my story, he didn’t hear my heart.

PM me if you wish to hear the religious angle thrown at me as it’s not permitted here.

I’m ready to just give up trying to keep all this together.

[Rachel Smith]

It was hard for me too Michelle but in the end I HAD to do what was best for me.

[Michelle789]

Michelle,

I'm sorry to hear your wife reacted the way she did. Coming out to family or significant others is extremely difficult, and honestly can be the most stressful thing we will ever endure in life. From my experience with coming out, and from hearing stories of other people on this board and from others in my trans support group, families and significant others usually have the most difficult time dealing with us being trans. My belief is when it comes to how difficult it is to accept us, I believe that significant others and fathers are the two most difficult people to tell about being trans, and in general they usually are the two people who react the most harsh with us, and are the most likely to try to bully us out of transition.

Friends and work really depends on the friends and the job. But I hear far more horror stories of wives and family members who reacted terribly to the news than I do of people losing jobs or friends leaving them.

Everyone says it takes a lot of courage to come out, and how brave I am, but truthfully I am scared shit. This is so freakin scary telling the news to others.

As far as your wife having BPD, I can relate with my emotionally abusive father who is very much responsible for emotionally crippling my brother and why he has no friends, no job, and no life outside of his own family. Even though I live 3000 miles away from my father, it is still very hard to let go of him and to not give him any power over me. I believe my number one priority in transition right now is to work on letting go of my father. This might not sound like an obvious part of transition, but sometimes letting go of someone from our past, especially if they are an emotionally abusive spouse or family member, is in fact a part of transition.

I hope that my brother and mom can at least do a Skype video chat with me, and see how much happier, more relaxed, and more myself I am since I have transitioned. It may be a first step for them in transitioning. Most of my friends and co-workers can vouge for me that I seem happier, more relaxed, more myself, and more focused since I have come out as a woman and am living as my authentic self. Other people seeing this is a reflection of my own internal peace of mind and soul. This is a common experience of many of us in transition, and people who do accept us who have known us both ways, do see the change for the better in us.