When does it start getting better?

[becky77]

I feel like I have had enough, on the outside my transition is going well most people are good with me and I've not had any bad moments when out, only misgendered by those close to me.
But I the happiness that was growing from being myself is dwindling fast, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue being different all the time.
I saw the wedding photographers pictures the other day, I was in just one pretty much edited out which really hurts. The one I am in is just,because I happen to be dancing behind the bride. I look dreadful, not as in look as in blokey. Added onto that we had a Halloween party and every picture is awful, I'm realising that these pictures are how people see me and I hate it. I just can't get past the feeling like a freak, my whole life I just wanted to be normal, nothing special I don't think I can cope with being different, its just not me.
I have no doubt I'm a woman and that I should live my life as a woman. I'm full of doubts that I can't live as a woman. I feel broken and empty and unrepairable, I know I shouldn't mention this but I have thoughts of ending the pain and they are getting more serious, I have started planning it, where, how and who to tell to find me. I would normally be alarmed at these thoughts but right now I feel detached, I'm just so very tired all the time, mentally.
What is my future? Forever feeling inferior? Always being different? Having to delude myself that I fit in?
I will keep enduring but for what quality of life, I read about people having a much worse time than me, but that just makes me feel guilty, guilt is another emotion that sits heavy on me.
I'm sure I will be ok, I just needed to say how I'm feeling.

[Aprilrain]

For me transition has largely been achieved through changing my body with surgery. It sound superficial, even to me but that's what it is and that's what it took...for me. I don't know what I would have done if I wouldn't have been able to afford it all, I don't think I'd be in a very good place mentally.even with all the changes there are still things about my body that I don't like and I just have to accept them.
It's been a long difficult and expensive road.

[GabbiSophia]

I hear you on that becky. I am stuck even before stepping out. The mental mush is taxing on the spirit for sure. I hope things get better for you.

[Angela Campbell]

It is strange what works. You will discover what does for you. I had facial surgery, took hormones for a year, learned how to change my voice, worked out which clothes would work best, but the things that did it for me was something that was not related to looks. It was, surprisingly, getting my documentation changed. Especially the gender on my birth certificate.

Almost like a feeling that yes I am a girl, my birth certificate says so. Nutty but that did it for me.

It has been a hard road, but I am overall pretty comfortable with my life now. I still get the"feeling like a freak" every once in a while but not often.

[Emma Beth]

I can understand how you feel, Becky.

However; I had a look at your profile pic, and you look beautiful. I wish I could feel as beautiful as you look.

Try to keep in mind, how you see yourself is not how others will see you. Everyone sees the world through different eyes and they view things differently as a result.

If it will help you out of your dark place, here's a warm hug. I will be thinking about you and hoping you feel better soon.

Love and Hugs,
Liz

[kimdl93]

Hi Becky. I've been through deep depression...related, but not identical origins...and I can relate to the feelings of despair, the planning. I came very close to the edge. Fortunately, I didn't have the energy to follow through. I worked really hard in therapy, not to gain happy thoughts, but to learn to accept and deal with my life situation. That is the key...accepting that none of us is exactly who, what or where we want to be at this moment, but as April and Angela illustrate, there are steps you can take, and by taking control you'll relieve the depressive mood while moving ever closer to where you want to be.

[PretzelGirl]

We keep commenting on how great you look, so this does tell us something. You have to be comfortable with yourself. So are you wishing to have FFS? Or will the passage of time while on HRT provide you with enough changes to be happy? Following Angela's train of thought, I had a boost at the name change and then again at the first day of work. But that is how I am wired in that I don't like waiting for something but when I am at the moment in time, good or bad, I can then take care of it. So have you figured out how you are "wired"? If you aren't still in therapy, it might be a good thing to start up again so that you can work through you thoughts. Like you say, things are going well, so it is about exploring your thoughts so you can determine how to move forward.

[Janice Ashton]

Hi Becky

I understand how you feel as I am also finding it hard to move forward as Janice but I have been given some advice which is starting to make a difference for me and it is rather simple really. Who am I? if you feel you don't look good in the photo's you see of yourself does it really matter? We can change our facial feature through surgery, we can take HRT which again helps with changes, we can have the operation to remove bodily male parts, we can change our name and so on and on. But all of this may help us look (as we think) better but the real question for me is how do I feel inside? Most of us know those gender feelings we have had for so many years biting away at us? For me it's about how I am with myself more so than how I look. Yes it's wonderful to look fabulous but it is only the outside, I am sure an awful lot of people that look good on the outside are like us? But do they feel like that on the inside. So being at one with yourself first and changing the outside second may be the way forward. Concetrating from within to the out may help in what you are seeking. I am finding this helps me, I Hope it may help you?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"it" getting better is going to be mostly up to you..

looking backwards I am surprised in my own transition how little has changed...(not true for everybody)..

I did a lot of what april said...I spent my money on ffs and it was the best decision I made in my transition...if I had to choose ffs or srs, I would have picked ffs...I wanted to appear to others as a woman and I accomplished that..
and becky you have a habit of thinking you are not looking good when in fact you are looking very attractive...my daughter does the same stuff...she looks at an adorable picture and its "ugghhhh I'm so disgusting..."..anyway..

although i'm sure my own transition is unique like all of them, I do think what is the same for successful transitioners is that all the terrible buzzing and self talk goes away...its obliterated... I look at myself and I don't have any feelings other than "normalcy"...the quiet disgust and acceptance of my male body is no longer something I must endure.....the feeling of looking at other women with a pathetic impossible longing to "be them" is gone... the non stop buzzing and obsessive thoughts that filled my brain are gone...I wake up to coffee and my dog

to me IF NOTHING ELSE GOT BETTER, that is enough... I urge people to consider that if you want to be happy and transition, you must accept that maybe nothing else will happen outside of eliminating gender dysphoria and all its trappings...

I feel inferior to other women sometimes...as far as I can tell lots of women feel this way... I feel guilty about transition, as far as I can tell lots of people feel guilty about all kinds of things....on and on it goes...

this is not to say things don't or won't get lots and lots better... they did for me...and even 5 years in things are happening that will hopefully improve my quality of life as a woman...but if they don't , then like ANY OTHER WOMAN, I will hopefully deal with things and move on..

[docrobbysherry]

Becky, I think u r wrong! U r assuming things about what others think of u. In my experience, if u truly want to know what others think, u must ask them! If u do? I think you'll be surprised by their answers. I always am.

However, u seem to be caught up in a negative spiral. That is unhealthy and dangerous. U should seek out an experienced gender therapist immediately. U may have no idea of the options available to help u feel better about yourself. But, a good therapist will after he/she learns what is bothering u.

Please do not feel things r hopeless and that you're stuck. They're NOT and you're NOT! It just feels that way sometimes.

[Megan Thomas]

Becky, from one Essex lass to another, have you considered you're not photogenic? Not everyone is, I'm certainly not which is why I opted to stay behind the camera rather than in front of it. There are some people for whom the camera is a positive curse because it truly can distort the appearance. The real gauge of how people see you is out and about in public. Misgendering by those close to us also happens. I have a very good friend who always calls me by my name but often refers to me in the masculine to others. It's unintentional and I let it go.

Thoughts of suicide are more serious and also a path I have trodden - further than I care to admit to. It solves nothing and leaves unimaginable pain behind if successful. Situational depression is easier to resolve and it sounds like in your case it is the situation which torments you. I can only suggest you speak to a medical practitioner in this respect and perhaps gain some comfort that as your situation develops it's likely to improve.

Transition is a fluid state. I'm at the end of mine yet I feel in many ways I am still learning, still transitioning. It gets easier the longer we undergo it. I've always told people ironically in order to lose your balls you have to grow a pair and become resilient to the negativity we will either endure or inflict upon ourselves. Stay with the programme and discount thoughts of other people's transition. Everyone's journey is unique. Wobbles are inevitable.

[Dianne S]

Becky, if you seriously contemplate suicide, get help right away. Suicide is a permanent "solution" to a temporary problem and it's not a decision you can undo.

Many (most?) women have body image issues. Congratulations! You're a woman and you have body image issues. Don't be hard on yourself. You've made a decision to live authentically and you can celebrate the fact that you have the courage to do it.

[Chari]

Many of us become dissatisfied Becky, with our face, form, or where we are in life, but it is IMO up to the individual to find what is acceptable and how to change those things we find offensive. Consider making a plan of attack - one issue at a time, and find some one or service to put a positive change to that issue. You may not see yourself as attractive, but with a professional makeup artist, the results will be fantastic! Take a look at your fashions and what is "fashionable" today. Adding or subtracting an item can/does change the appearance too. The most difficult part may be to accept yourself as a special unique individual that is different from all others! Enjoy.

[Jennifer-GWN]

Becky... There's not much I can add or provide in the way of guidance. But just know that you are one of a number of girls here that represent a guide to me and my path forward. I know that transition is not a red carpet and that there are many hurdles and challenges. You've done so well. You look great. You have what I can only believe is a good support structure around you including your family. I know we all hit points where we question our choices but don't let a few events cloud your bigger goals and if you feel the need for help reach out you are not alone.

all my best... Jennifer.

[Jorja]

But I the happiness that was growing from being myself is dwindling fast, I don't know if I'm strong enough to continue being different all the time.

Then don't be different all the time. Just be yourself! Just be Becky and let the chips fall where they may. As mentioned, create a plan for your future and execute it. If you see yourself as unattractive find an image consultant to help you change your look. Need to go back and talk with a therapist, make the call. Need a new line of employment, go get the education you need and make the change.

Sitting around crying and feeling guilty isn't going to do a thing for you except make you feel bad. You have gotten the second chance in life that many do not get. Don't waste the opportunity.

[LeaP]

Becky, the biggest red flag in your OP is your feeling of detachment. I'm all too familiar with it myself, including the suicide ideation. I scare myself at times, because when I get like that, it feels like I can go ahead with it almost arbitrarily ... as if on a whim. I've been like that a lot lately. In my case, time to re-address the anti-depressants. If you are not getting some support with depression, I seriously suggest seeing someone. Having been on both sides of the divide, I at least know it is possible to feel better.

[Aprilrain]

I have to agree with Lea, depression is no joke. It's best to seek professional help. I also need antidepressants to help me control my depression. I'm not saying you do, that's just what I needed.

[Jannis]

This is my 100th post. I have been holding back waiting to respond to a thread that I had a real strong feeling about and this is the one. I have had all the feelings mentioned by the all the girls here and have sought professional help and tried all the meds and still vacillated from one end of the tg spectrum to the other. I have been cd'ing since I was 5 yrs old. Since age 50 or so, I have become more aware of my need to transition, but have not had the support or financial means.
I am presently married to my third wife. She knows some of my feelings and is sometimes encouraging about various feminizing traits I don't try to hide. I underdress, get my nails done, wear my hair long and have a hairless body. I wear quite a few androgynous outfits without criticism. However, she is disapproving of my openly dressing or expressing my true self. She wants a man, not something else. OK. Why is this meaningful to me. Despite my many years of developing my CD persona, I still feel I look like a man in a dress and I hate that feeling. My inner self is 65 per cent femme and growing, but frequently, I want to stop everything I am doing and then I go into deep depression where I want to possibly harm myself. I know all the cliches about permanent solution to a temp problem, but it is not a temporary problem any longer. It is over 60 years of living with this feeling and the total inability to accept myself and just be happy with who I am. I doubt I have the courage to do anything, but I am still looking for a way to be myself without destroying all I have done with my life. Writing this is my first attempt in a long time to expose my feelings to anyone other than a therapist. I am thankful for this forum as I see so many different sides to all my issues and it does help to know I am not always alone. I love you all.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sometimes separating out depression and gender issues is really difficult

When in doubt, deal with the depression. It doesn't matter if they are related for now

If you discover in time that the gender and depression are related that can be dealt with as you come out of your depressed state. The only decision one should make while clinically depressed is to deal with the depression as a medical issue

Jannis maybe you could start another thread and post the same type of message so you can get responses directly aimed at your situation

[KellyJameson]

As transsexual women I think we have a much more fragile hold on "feeling like a woman" than other women do. It can be taken away from us and you go into that feeling "of being different" which is exhausting and depressing and comes with so many negative emotions.

Most woman have this struggle because so much of being a woman is about what is on the outside. So much of being a woman is about the body and face and overall appearance which makes all women vulnerable to losing there sense of being a woman.

I have recently become friends with a woman at work who is a breast cancer survivor and had a mastectomy and how she had to go into therapy because she no longer felt like a woman any longer. Losing a breast attacked her identity and self esteem.

So much of a womans identity is wrapped up in her body and appearance and this is the world we attempt to enter.

Our identities are intimately linked to the vessel we reside in. It identifies us as to who we are so how we will be treated and much of this is done automatically.

You are what is seen. This is a burden women have been fighting against for sometime because they realize the costs that come with this.

In general men are not defined nearly as much by their bodies as women are. Men are defined by what they do and women by what they are.

Your words could have been spoken by any woman, transexual or otherwise.

Your words and feelings are very very common to the experiences of many woman but you do not see it because you are coming at it from the perspective of a transexual woman.

You are suffering the consequences of being a woman (any woman) as much as you are suffering the consequences of being a transexual woman. They are one and the same thing and only the intensity is different.

One of the reasons I knew I was a woman is because of "how I suffer" and "why" because I always shared this with other women.

When you realize this about yourself it may make it easier to bear the burden of being one.

[becky77]

Thank you for all the replies, it helps to hear from those in the know.
Two points really stick out, I need a plan and I need to address the issue.
I think April went straight to the heart of my problem, I need FFS for me.
Maybe others don't think I do, but for me I think I need it.
Money is a major issue and I know its unproductive thinking, but I can't help be annoyed that it costs me so much, financially and mentally and in all the other ways, just to try and have what most people take for granted.
Anyway, I made myself go out yesterday me and my wife/friend went to an English heritage site, I maybe struggling but I can't hide from it.

I think I struggle to admit I might not be coping too well, there are other issues adding to my stress also, but that's life.

I don't know how or if I can achieve raising the necessary money but I have to try.
It is pretty immense what we take on, its hard taking it one step at a time when they are all related.

I'm not one to ask for help but I guess I need to go speak to my Dr and maybe look into a support group?
Although I failed to find one before.

I have a few weeks off over Christmas, hoping to relax but I'm not great on my own lately. So I probably need to make plans to be active and see family etc.

I think too much.

[jaleecd]

Becky, I can identify with the urge to do away with myself. I felt that source of my pain would feel real bad if i offed myself. All that is done is to cause your loved ones a great empty hole on this old world where you used to be. I learned that depression is usually anger turned inward. I soon identified that I really had targets that caused that anger, and i was not the one that I was angry at. It also helped that I didn't have a good excuse for God on why I was presenting Myself so many years befoe my warrenty had expired. You have much to offer, if only the foot prints you leave for the next woman to be, on Her struggles to gain agreement between who her inner being says She is and getting the body modified in agreement if only within Her own mind.We all see the distance you have already traveled and are cheering for you to finish the race and the victory of wholeness internally.

[Aprilrain]

About 4 years ago I tried an OTC depression remedy at my therapists suggestion but found it ineffective. I finally broke down and went to see a psychiatrist about anti-depressants. It took a lot of suffering for me to admit that I couldn't get myself out of the depression hole unaided. It felt like a huge defeat but I was tired of crying all the time and feeling so awful about myself. I hated the idea of taking drugs to fix my depression but I just was at the end of my rope.

[Judith96a]

Becky,
Obviously I haven't seen the photos of yourself to which you refer but when I look at your profile pic and your avatar I see a very attractive woman. And I'm not the only one to have said so! I'd be over the moon if I could look half as good as you.
Some of us just aren't photogenic and flash is VERY unforgiving. So please cut yourself a little slack and, as Jorga suggested, if you're unhappy with your look then find a friendly image consultant (or even just an honest friend whom you trust to gently tell you if you appear 'blokey').
Re the depression - don't mess around with that. It will colour your perception of everything. OTC offerings may help you to cope but only counselling will do anything about the cause. Talk to your GP and get referred to someone who will listen and help you to figure out a way through all of this.
Best wishes
Judith

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Please listen to those of us that have dealt with depression.

By all means try to make progress right now to improve your frame of mind, anything you can do in this moment to feel better is helpful.
But its important to be evaluated by a psychiatrist that can explore options for therapy and/or medicine that is focused on mental health.

Pls remember and hopefully feel motivated by the fact that your transition is going to be influenced by your mental health.
That's why I would put it ahead of gender for now. Improving your mental health by any means necessary is part of your likely successful transition.

I agree with you btw that if you feel ffs is necessary , then its necessary. I believe its conforming surgery similar to SRS for many of us.

However, I've told you before that based on pics (even the ones you find horrible), I have not seen many ts women that have as naturally female looking features as you do.

You should explore your options seriously with real FFS surgeons before getting emotional..FFS is not one size fits all.
If you cant travel take pictures from all angles, pull your hair back, etc....

Send those pics to Dr Meltzer, Dr Osterhaut, and Dr Speigel in the US, and whatever international doctors you feel are acceptable to you
..see if you can get feedback from them around recommendations specifically tailored to YOU.

One reason I say this is that you may find that they recommend surgeries to make your face more female but are less invasive and less expensive to what others "need"

You can do this!!!

[Jorja]

I agree, if you feel FFS is necessary then it is necessary. I don't know the process there in the UK but try to get a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Find out just what they can do for you. Also try to get an estimate on price. This way you will have an actual amount to set as a goal. Try everything available to meet that goal. I don't know if it works or not but it can't hurt, try crowd funding to raise part of the money needed.

I also agree that if you are having depression problems get help ASAP. Depression is nothing to mess with. It could also be a case of too much idle time. Have you ever heard of the old saying, idle hands are the devils workshop? The same holds true of the mind and gender dysphoria. Too much time to think can reek havoc on our thinking process. Find a way to keep your mind busy and thinking of things other than your gender problems.

[DebbieL]

Becky,
I hope you are discussing these feelings with your therapist, they are important and may be part of issues that won't be resolved by transition.

From the pictures in your profile and avatar, you are a beautiful young girl. You have a very feminine face, and shape.

You really need to think about what your ultimate goal is, and what is realistic. You won't look like the model's in the ads in Cosmo. Even those models don't look like that in real life. Knowing how to pose, how to prep for the shot, which angles work, and a good photographer are all needed to create 30 to 100 shots - the best of which shows up in the ad.

People who know you and loved you as male will often see you that way no matter what you do. Many will have to go through a grieving process, letting the boy "die" and then getting to know, and hopefully love the girl.

If you are in a 12 step program, or have any personal transformation programs, this is a good time for those as well. I've had good results from the Landmark Forum.

Many of the feelings are normal HUMAN feelings - we all have them, we just learn to stop comparing our insides to everyone else's outsides. Furthermore, many of the strategies that worked as a guy don't work as a girl. Do you have a GG mentor? This could also be helpful.

[Nigella]

Whilst the support of your peers here is admirable and most of the advice is sound, the best piece of advice you can get right now is, TALK TO YOUR LEAD CLINICIAN AT THE GIC. They will have seen and heard all this before and will direct you to the best place to go to help you get yourself back on track.

[becky77]

My peers have been more helpful than GIC, who I am still awaiting my first appt. with.
I started with the NHS over 2 Years ago and still await there help. Last I heard I'm likely to get my first door into GIC in March 2015, yes very helpful that.
So far everything I have done including councilling has been on my own, maybe GIC are good when you finally get there but inbetween there has been no help except to be referred to as crazy by one Dr.
"Speak to a therapist" isn't always the right answer, I feel April and Kaitlyn understand just what I'm feeling, and that understanding makes me feel less alone in this. That's way more helpful than another few hours bitching to a therapist. In my opinion.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I believe I do understand what you are feeling Becky. However please allow me to push back a bit

I can't speak to UK medical system issues, but my time in therapy (both psych and therapist) were much much more than bitching.
that is not what therapy is about...

in fact, my psychiatrist did so much for me its incredible...she was highly intelligent and thoughtful...I met her through my gender therapist, but my gender issues were barely discussed.
....she analyzed what I talked about and made some suggestions about what she called my "thought habits" and my state of mind that were revelatory to me.
She suggested some medicine that I had never heard of that she felt specifically addressed my specific issues and that was 6 years ago
I am a high functioning person, and I was very concerned about meds but they worked for me
...my only depressive/panic/obsession/cycling(LOL...) episode happened when I became inconsistent in taking that medicine...

Like you, I was very skeptical about psychiatry...I had bad experiences with general practice doctors that gave me paxil and lorazapam simply because I mentioned I had been feeling anxious and maybe depressed (of course in the back of mind I was hoping some pills might cure my gender thinking), so I didn't like the idea of a psychiatrist either.

I agree with you that sometimes its hard for people to say much more than "go to a therapist" and it falls flat. And I also agree that feeling other people truly understand you is a wonderful feeling that can mitigate alot of bad feelings...(even if its sad/bad things they understand and even on the internet), but if you buy that I understand how you are doing, then you need to buy that even with the difficulties and waiting on GIC that you've mentioned, your situation absolutely calls for a psychiatrist that can listen to your "bitching" but also provide you with feedback and treatment ideas that could really improve your quality of life...

if you suffer from depression, ffs is not going to heal you... and if you are waiting forever for GIC, I believe successfully dealing with mental health issues is a huge factor in a healthy and successful transition...you may find you are not in fact depressed...that would be a huge relief...

like I said, you can do this!! but you have to move out of your "i'll do it all myself" comfort zone

[LeaP]

So many common threads in this thread…

Like many, I fought dealing with depression my entire life. My therapist told me (2 years later) that I was severely clinically depressed when I first came in. The funny thing is, I felt the same way I had all my life! In some ways, I was a high functioning depressive in that I could get through life. As I have often said, if you're forced to walk on the bottom of the ocean, you get pretty good at it after a while. In other ways, of course, it was destroying my life and my relationships. Like my mother, I'm bipolar. Because of what I saw her go through with psychiatrists, drugs, and hospitals, I wanted no part of it.

My therapist talked me into antidepressants step by step. The only reason I agreed at all was because she insisted on sorting it out before addressing my gender concerns. She ramped me up over the next year, starting me with the lowest available dosage on the market. I still fight it. My dosage is still quite low. I put up with some depression without thinking about it a lot because it is so familiar anyway.

But it's getting bad again. Still, the relief I have experienced from the antidepressants is so deep and unmistakable that I can't imagine not readdressing them. Be aware that some people experience a lessening – or even a cessation - of gender issues when their depression is addressed. My therapist was looking to see if that would happen and was very upfront about it. In my case I found that the issues not only persisted, they strengthened and clarified. In the end, all of the background in this response is to get to that point. Depression masks and confuses gender in many ways. It prevents you from moving, feeds fear, and it makes you second-guess the things you have and are doing. It keeps you from feeling your true self and it prevents others seeing you, too. It interferes with the validations that you are seeking and that you need. And while all depression is bad, the life-changing, situational aspects of transsexualism can slide you into a type of hopelessness from which it is difficult to escape.

Go see someone ASAP.

[Cheyenne Skye]

I know I am a little late here but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with you Becky. When I started transition, I was of course depressed. I saw a psychiatrist who put me on anti depressants. My moods leveled out after a while. Then when I finally came out at work and got my legal name change, I finally felt some happiness. So I had the doc wean me off the anti depressants. I was okay for a few months but I had a bit of a financial crisis and started feeling down again. I worked my way out of the hole (literally and figuratively). And now I find myself contemplating my future as a woman. How far do I need to go? FFS? GRS? I had thought before that the most important part was just to have others see me as female. But maybe it's not that simple. And maybe they don't see me that way either. Especially my coworkers. I've been at my job for over 11 years and only came out 6 months ago. And it's a very male dominated job. So even new hires see me as another one of the guys (also thanks to a drab ugly uniform). But I'm still not completely financially solvent yet, far less being able to save the thousands required for any surgery. I keep remembering the words my doctor put on my letter to the DMV for getting my gender marker changed, "...and she will get the surgery when she can afford it." But I wonder if that will ever be a real possibility. And if not, how will I cope with my dysphoria for the rest of my life. I'm still going to therapy but not as often as I would like either. I keep hanging in there but often wonder why I should even bother since I don't seem to have even a glimmer of hope for my future. It's tough. My heart goes out to you. If you can find a way to get what you need, don't let anything stop you.

[kimdl93]

Becky, part of depressive behavior in my case as well, was ruminating endlessly over the things in my life that had seemingly gone out of control. It consumed my thoughts. The only break I got during the worst of it was when friends and family literally dragged me out into the world.

I also know the frustration of waiting. I was on a waiting list for therapy when I came to a crisis, and went to the ER after an abortive impulsive attempt at escape. Fortunately, that imminent risk set wheels in motion and I was into a competent psychologist and psychiatrist within a few days.

Have you confided in your GP about your feelings? If he/she understands fully they may be able to grease the wheels a bit for you.

[becky77]

Ok bitching was a daft thing to say, my therapist did help me get to where I am now.
Haven't seen her for ages though, too costly I just end up worrying about the cost effectiveness of it until it becomes more stressful than helpful.

I think I'm one of those people that doesn't like to pop pills. Apart from hormones I only take pain killers when a migraine is coming.
One of my issues is that my Mum was/is a major hypercondriact, suffered almost bipolar depression and was always so negative. Going back to another thread all my grandparents either died horribly or went mad, my two uncles were unpleasant and my Dad didn't like me.
No one ever gave me a hug or told me they loved me and it took a long time before I was ok with being touched by someone. So there probably lies both my non-acceptance of depression (won't be like Mum) and probably why I cant see good in myself.

I pretty much know my flaws and I'm no longer putting my problems down to gender all the time. I know I'm damaged from parents influence (classic blame the parents)!.
Right now I'm comfortable in who I am but I'm not comfortable with my look, its subtle but its there, that masculine edge that in photos and the mirror still bullies my soul. I need to feed my energy into taking that away

I told my Mum this stuff she wasn't best pleased. Said I'm pretty and surgery isn't the answer. But your talking about someone that still wants to cling onto 'her son' her bias means she can't see what I see, although she did admit the Adams apple had to go.
On the plus side her and Dad said they can now see how I was always this way and its who I should have been. I think that's pretty major for parents, I still hold onto resentment at how they raised me but they have come good now, see that's positive for me isn't it?

The point about not being photogenic I need to ponder on.

I find it so hard to go to the Doctors. I asked for help before and was sent to a cognitive behavior therapist, they said they couldn't help me.
I was also put on anti-depressants early last year, it had no effect at all.

I think Lea made a valid point regarding walking under the Ocean. I have been this way my whole life, only ever known to hide my emotions and keep to myself.
Problem with transition is it awakens hope, when before you resigned yourself to your lot in life.
After that things are like that line from James? song "If I'd never seen such riches, I could live with being poor".
The bad times now hit harder because you have seen a chance of the good times.

I've been recommended to a place in Marbelle, Spain. There reputation is good but I will look into options in the US too, need a passport first though.
Getting a plan suits my personality, channeling my mind. Idle thinking time is deadly.

Oh, and I like to be in control, waiting for someone else to do something or not being able to do something drives me crazy. I can be patient and calm on the outside, yet in a complete whirl on the inside. Very much a Gemini if you believe in that stuff.

[LeaP]

One Gemini to another - what could be more ironic than to be trans?

[Nicole Erin]

What if you got FFS and then found something else to feel bad about?
Look at how many TS get surgeries and then find out life is still not perfect.

Being born male, we are at a huge disadvantage for living as women.
It starts getting better when you stop giving a damn and decide to do the best you can.
Like me, I know I look like crap but I do not obsess over it. I was born male, am close to 40, and decided I can either accept myself or not. And, life is pretty much normal now.

[becky77]

It's a strange world. Had a call from GIC today, due to cancellations can I attend an appt. 18th November!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Wow!!!

Its funny Becky, this morning I sat down and thought of you and was going to check in with a note that basically was going to ask if things are any better!!!

Sounds like something really really really got better!!

Now get to taking those pictures and sending them out to FFS docs...remember it doesn't cost you anything to ask their advice in the context of evaluating whether you will use them...in other words, they don't have to know that its unlikely you are getting FFS with them!!

[GabbiSophia]

That is great news becky.!! Anything to ease the mind to catch a break is a blessing. Good luck with the meeting but I am sure you do not need it.

[PretzelGirl]

Sometimes we really get looked after. I hope this brings a smile around and you can start being happy for the future. It will be good!

[becky77]

Oh yes, a much needed boost. Things might be moving forward again.

Any recommendations for tried and tested surgeons, any outside of US too as I'm from the UK?
This is the place that was recommended to me http://facialteam.eu/

At Nicole.
Maybe, but I see it that I have to give myself every chance of finding that happiness.
The same question could be put to everyone that has surgery.

[Nigella]

Glad to hear that you have finally got an appointment at a GIC :)

[Rianna Humble]

That's great news! I got my second appointment early due to a cancellation and it was a real relief.

When you go, just be yourself. As you are in Essex, would that be Charing Cross?

[gonegirl]

At Nicole.
Maybe, but I see it that I have to give myself every chance of finding that happiness.
The same question could be put to everyone that has surgery.

Absolutely! This is about quality of life. Modifying your body (using hormone therapy, surgery, body sculpturing though exercise and diet) to look more feminine can be a very effective way to gain acceptance as being female. I say can be because there are other important factors such as a feminine voice, and feminine energy. These things, when combined, will undoubtedly improve your quality of life, assuming of course that you are a woman. (I make no distinction between TS women, or otherwise)

Becky- I highly recommend Dr Meltzer in AZ, USA for the surgery you seek.

[Promethea]

Becky, surgery can be great for you, but don't disregard seeing a therapist as well as getting surgery. They will help you deal not with how you look, but with how you see yourself and how you think others see you, which can be the worst.

If only those close to you misgender you, it means they aren't doing it because you actually look blokey, but because they are used to seeing you as a man because that's what you presented for so many years. And do you know who else is used to that? I'll give you a clue. Her name starts with a B. And it ends with an ecky. Both you and them need time. NoHRMPHingbody else sees anything blokey about you.

Nobody likes their own pictures, and that is even more true for us. It's normal. And in the case of that photo, keep in mind that the fauxtographer wasn't trying to make the lady in the background look good, but the bride. Some wedding fauxtographers don't really know what they are doing, they just spray and pray, and later spend hours choosing the pictures that happen to not look terrible (and often they suck at doing that too). Sometimes they can leave out important people from the album, and instead have too many pictures of the groom's sister's nephew's maid's uncle's second cousin twice removed. It's their fault (and loss) that they didn't take a good photo of you.

It's good to know you're feeling better.

Hugs!

PS: I almost forgot, I wanted to recommend you getting massages as well. Some types of massage can do wonders for self esteem as well, and help you with accepting feelings of love.

[becky77]

As you are in Essex, would that be Charing Cross?

Yes it is, not sure if that is a good thing though. It's a pain to get to!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Of course its a good thing!!!
Progress is a good thing...
People in the US drive 3 hours to get to a therapy session if they find the right therapist!!!
I drove 90 minutes each way for years because my therapist was excellent (now I use Skype!! hehe)

[becky77]

Just meant it's a pain because of London transport, not the distance.

I have contacted some FFS surgeons via email and booked a consultation with a guy in Belgium. He had a London slot end of this month but due to my indecision and hesitancy I missed it, so only one available now is February 14th 2015. I really annoy myself sometimes!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Becky,

When I looked at your avatar, and looked again more closely, the more sure I was that you are a woman. Then I read your post. I looked at your profile pic- again I only thought of you as anything other than a very attractive woman because of your written words.

I'm way out of my league in offering advice, so I'm not even going to try, but I do wonder if the party pics which so dismayed you are a very poor yardstick to measure your appearance by. How many women like themselves in photos at the best of times, never mind rosy-cheeked from drink and dancing; hair coming adrift; overly-ambitious dress sizing, and simple insecurity? I'd be willing to bet that fewer than 10% of the women at those parties truly feel good about the pics that emerged, and that 10% are probably all over 60 and less self-critical. My mother at 83 is still obsessed with how she looks, and regularly howls with anguish when she sees pictures of herself, but I think she's kind of extreme.

This doesn't detract from the pain of feeling you have been airbrushed out, and I can't help you with that- you just have to grit your teeth and move on towards your goal- but in terms of self-image, give yourself a break. Even if the pics here are you looking your best, and you probably feel they are, you are pretty enough to make many women jealous, and to make many men sit up and take notice- as I did.

You may feel broken, you may feel empty, but those are states which can be overcome; repairable - and worthy of repair - you most certainly are.

Nikki

[Heather_Shirly]

Becky,

I just read your post and I don't know how to help you with your inner feelings of guilt and feeling like you are inferior save for two things that I hope help.

1) You look amazing. I am almost jealous of how beautiful you look. You have great hair and a gorgeous face. You look 100% like the women that you are. I think anyone here will agree wiht me.
2) You are not inferior. You are clearly showing a strength of will to be who you really feel you are. You say that it is getting harder and that you don't know if you can keep it up but i think you can and will.

I guess self image is the hardest thing to get over. Sometimes when we are depressed we look at ourselves in a poor way and want to pick at every little flaw until we make it a big deal. Your avatar and the picture in your profile show a very pretty young women and that is how i see you and others see you as well. Never feel guilty. Guilt is there only because of what society says about how you should feel. You are hurting no one and only helping yourself be who you are. Why should you feel bad about that in anyway?

You remark about being different.... You are. I am as well in fact we all here are. EVERYONE on this planet is DIFFERENT in some way. It is the truth but it isn't bad to be different. For years i thought that being different made me an outcast and in some ways it does. But along with that there are so many great things about being different. Just look at how you have let yourself be who you are and be what you are. You might be different but just think about how horrible things would be for you if you kept it all inside and didn't let yourself be who you truly are.

I hope that helps in someway. You are strong and you will get stronger and yes it will get better as you get more comfortable with yourself. I wish i had half the courage you have. You are an inspiration to us all.

Believe me you have nothing to worry about .

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm not comfortable with my look, its subtle but its there, that masculine edge that in photos and the mirror still bullies my soul.

This rings false to me- and I don't mean any offense by that Becky, but it reminds me of a young girl looking at herself in the mirror, seeing an overweight reflection, and starving herself, while those around her see a thin, pretty girl with an eating disorder.

None of us is Grace Kelly- Kate Moss isn't half the beauty she was, in fact KM's face is an odd mish-mash of shapes, lopsided, poor complexion- but she pulls it off because those features well made up and under good lighting, please the camera. I don't imagine I'm ever going to be Grace Kelly, but do you? Just how perfect do you want to be? If what you are now isn't good enough, perhaps it isn't a minutely different jawline and eyebrows that you need, or better skin, or stronger nails- perhaps it's to quit being so hard on yourself and start feeling the beauty of what you already have, because it's a lot more than many girls have- frankly I think you're rather blessed.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You have no idea what you are talking about.

[becky77]

This rings false to me

Different perspectives.

My dream/goal is this:
In a few years time (so my forties and I am looking at the long road, despite the frustration of it all) i'm being lazy and still in bed when the Postman knocks with a package. I quickly get up and throw on a dressing gown and answer the door.....without being misgendered.

Am I wrong in thinking that is an achievable ambition with a little help from surgery?

It's about authenticity not perfection. My hair is a wig currently as I need a hair transplant, my face without make-up isn't female enough and I still have a long way to go on hair removal.
So right now to answer that Postman I need to have a shave, put on a wig and make-up. I'm not asking to be Grace Kelly, i'm asking to be a woman without the need for all the falsities, just me.
Not pretty or stunning, just a woman.

[Jorja]

Becky, your goal is achievable. I do it every day. It takes time and money. Plenty of money. In the mean time you will just have to learn to live with your perceived faults just like any other woman. You will learn the meaning of the old saying, patients is a virtue.

[Launa]

I haven't read any of the other comments but I must say you look pretty darn good in your profile pic. If you are going in for some FFS then that will chisel off any of those small remaining male features you think you have. Those surgeons can perform absolute miracles with a face already like yours.

[Angela Campbell]

there is something to be said for being able to just get up and answer that door. It can be done but it will take time and money. a few things like the facial hair removal will do a lot, but it takes a long time. I'm at 158 hrs of electrolysis (18 months) and no longer need to shave, plus I had permanent makeup done for my brows and minimal FFS - no bone work. costs so far are around $20K

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Angela I have seen the change in your avatar...its fantastic...

I share your thoughts...I repeat ....its conforming surgery... the same way srs is.... folks that get srs and don't get ffs might raise an eyebrow, but I know folks that got ffs and feel no need for srs!!!..... so to each their own...

saying you look cute in a picture is just fundamentally missing the whole point...

we don't control our feelings around what makes us male and what maleness has to be obliterated...if we could, I would have controlled my feelings and kept my male life...I didn't want to "need" FFS....

it seems to me Becky even in your positive responses you can't help but keeping a seed of a downbeat and that's the issue in my mind... because I know from looking at you that you should function easily in female mode, I think you have to take the time to get your mental health act together, get going with the GIC, and start executing on your plan....you should accept that you are gonna get this done, but its going to take time.
Patience will be rewarded

[Trishpdxcd2]

Becky,

Please seek help, a transgender therapist, as soon as you can. You need to be treated for depression. Your self image is out of line with reality. Most of us would love to look as good as you do. I just see this beautiful young woman when I look at you so please get help to deal with your depression.

[Angela Campbell]

It takes a while to get comfortable in your skin once you go full time. Feeling this way is quite normal Becky since you are at the point of being unable to hide. But it does get easier, much easier.

And yeah I do still need srs, maybe more so than ever before.

[Megan Thomas]

Becky, i think I get where you are. Take off the wig and the make up and what stares back at you is unmistakably male. The question is will FFS make that any different or will you just see a more effeminate face with male baldness?

[becky77]

Well I had my first appointment at GIC yesterday and it went pretty well, better than expected.
She already consults with the private gender specialist I have been seeing, so going to him has helped things, they have all his notes and GIC will take over my Hormone monitoring.
They are going to seek funding for speech therapy and some free sessions of hair removal to help with costs. And probably to the relief of some they will give me counselling for my confidence issues.
She said I didn't see myself as others see me and I need help with that now as it could impact on my life after GRS/SRS. I guess you would call it a comorbidity?
It isn't related to my gender issues but is impacting on my Transition so will be treated in unison.

The rest was just assessment. Next appointment is June 10th fair way off but i'm hoping to be fulltime by then.

I discussed FFS and she seemed concerned that it might not be the right thing and I should do the counselling first.

[Rianna Humble]

All sounds very positive to me, Becky. I think that they are right to suggest they address the confidence issues and suggest you wait for a bit more counseling before making a final decision on FFS.

It is your decision to make, but the extra counseling could help you to see more clearly what you want.

[becky77]

I've been thinking things over recently and without doubt my top of the list hang-up is my hair. Taking off a wig and seeing the change is demoralising, so I have looked into it and I am now booked in for a Hair transplant at the beginning of February, I have sorted out funds and I can't quite believe this may happen. It will take years to grow out but I have this new dream in my head of a few years time and what I can achieve, keeping the end target in mind has somehow helped and I have relaxed a bit more, I was defo putting too much pressure on myself.

On another positive note, remember I changed job roles? Well I sailed through my probationary period and have been given a brand new car to replace the Van, can't say how much this has cheered me up, the van really knocked my confidense. Anyway that wasn't the point, I work closely with another guy that is responsible for the client I work with. I told him yesterday and he couldn't have been more supportive and positive. His energy was really surprising and I feel more positive now, I think he will go out of his way to make it go well for me and he is very influencial in the company. I tell HR in January and this has taken a bit more worry away.

[Jorja]

Keep fighting the demons and slaying the dragons, Becky. It won't be long before you are the Queen of the land. ;)

[PretzelGirl]

Each of us have our own hang-ups. I am glad you are able to attack yours even if the result will take some time. Every step is progress!