I came out to my family, and it was the biggest fiasco

[Michelle789]

I came out to my family this weekend. On Saturday, November 1, 2014, at 10:00 am, I sent my coming out letter via email to my dad and brother. My mom does not have access to email, so she did not receive the email. I instructed them in the letter to tell Mom, or to at least let me read it myself to Mom.

My brother at first seemed to react fine. He said that he will support me in my transition, and that I am in a good place for LGBT people in California. He asked me lots of questions about how I felt with respect to my body and identity, and about how I am modifying my body to become female. He asked me about electrolysis, laser, hormones, waxing, shaving, eyebrows, legal name change, how I dress, am I out at work, and questions about the past as well. He said it will take him time to get used to the change, but he will eventually be able to accept me as a woman and that technically I am his sister.

He also said that it explains a lot of things. He, my mom, and my dad, all thought I was gay. He and my mom both noticed that my behavior and mannerisms was always on the feminine side since I was little.

He said my dad was not very happy and that they haven't told my mom yet.

Yesterday afternoon, I spoke with my father over the phone. He was completely outraged by this. He said a barrage of nasty things to me, and was not only transphobic but showing his typical emotional abusive behavioral pattern. Here are a few of the things he said.

1. That I should look for a better job, and look outside of the L.A. area. He has given me four such lectures in the past, including one three weeks ago.

2. That I am going down a path of self-destruction. Sex change to him is a path of self-destruction.

3. That psychologists are liberals and only say what you want to hear. Psychologists never try to challenge you.

4. That the LGBT community people aren't my friends, and that the only ones who care about me are him, my mom, and my brother.
Btw, this one really smacks of his emotional abuse pattern.

5. That people who really love you will give you tough love and not encouragement.

6. That I am only thinking myself into being trans because I somehow felt inadequate as a man.

7. That I should start taking male hormones and go for reverse therapy to become a better man.

8. He emphasized the word "man" a lot.

9. That I should stop taking female hormones and stop my transition.

10. That he will never call me Michelle.
Btw, I bet he now hates that name.

11. That I will always be his son, and he will never recognize me as his daughter.

12. That I am not welcome at his funeral if I continue down this path.

13. That I am to never tell any relatives.

14. That I am to never visit them dressed as a woman, and that I will never visit that town dressed as a woman. He is afraid that word will get around and that people will think of us in a terrible way.

15. He asked me how tall I am, and I said 6 foot. He told me that as a 6 foot woman that I will never pass, and always be read as trans.

16. That as a 6 foot tall woman, that only bigger men will ever date me, and they will beat the shit out of me and make my life miserable.

17. That I am experiencing some kind of smoke right now in my head.

18. He will not disown me or stop talking to me, but he does not accept me being trans.

19. He never noticed anything feminine about me, and never thought I was gay.
Btw, what a lie. 12 years ago, he threatened to disown me if I was gay.

After we hung up the phone, a few minutes later, he left me another nasty message, and this one really pissed me off and smacks of his emotional abuse.

He told me that I am to never tell my mother. He is afraid that she will verbally assault him every day for the rest of his life if she knows, and he is afraid that she will blab this to the whole town and everyone will know.

Several hours later I spoke with my brother, who urged me to consider the male hormone treatment. He also said that dad is wrong about not telling mom, and that we should definitely tell mom. He is very much in a quandry about what to do about this.

I saw my therapist this morning, and told her all about this. She was very outraged at the words of my father. We both agreed that my dad is an emotional abuser. I also spoke about how my dad beat my mom 7 times in the past, from about 2000 to 2006. My dad also instills fear verbally and will sometimes talk in a manner where he won't hit anyone but looks like he is about to assault someone.

My mom does not yet know about this, and I would like to tell her within the next few days. I will be reading the letter to her myself over the phone, with my brother hopefully in the room to comfort her, without dad present.

I have also made a decision that I am disowning my father, and will never speak to him again. I am done with him. Because he is transphobic. Because he doesn't accept me as Michelle. Because he is an emotional abuser who instills fear in all of us. Because he has perpetrated domestic violence in the past.

I am fortunate to live 3000 miles away from them so I don't see them in person very often. My brother and mom aren't so lucky. I honestly believe my father should have gone to jail years ago for domestic violence.

[Krisi]

email is not the best way to bring something like this up. You should have had the courage to talk to the face to face or at leas by telephone if the distance is a problem.

Disowning your father only makes you just as intolerant as you believe he is. Getting an email from you on something this important left him no time to really think about it and you weren't there to answer questions.

As for your therapist, a therapist is like a consultant in the business world. Someone you pay to tell you things you want to hear. Remember the therapist only heard your side of the story.

What's done is done but I suggest you try to iron things out as best you can.

[Annaliese]

I am so sorry, you are doing the right thing, you are being your self, it sound like your brother is well versed asking all the right question, like he has some experience in this. I would not expect my brother so well versed.

[Jorja]

Well, all I can say is, thems the brakes. Sometimes it happens that way. Obviously you are over the age of 21. What do you want for yourself. Do you honestly and whole heartily believe you are a woman? Make your decisions about yourself for you, not them.

While your father sounds like a complete jerk, don't count him out of your life yet. It sounds like a "normal" father reaction. You have to remember, while transsexuals were around in his day, they were kept in the basement or root cellar when company came calling. It is ok when it is somebody else. It is a whole different story when it is your little boy.

Don't allow him and his transphobic rant to have any effect on how you chose to live your life, transition or not.

[Kimberly Kael]

Ouch. First and foremost, I'm sorry to hear it. I'll try to weigh in with more when I'm not tied up with work but unfortunately it all sounds very familiar. My father's reaction was similar and hasn't gotten any better over the past five years. I guess I was lucky that he and my mother split up decades earlier, and that my brother and sister aren't related to him.

Stay safe and do what you must to protect yourself emotionally. I don't get the need to disavow him, especially since your mother and brother still maintain ties. It might be better to let him be the unreasonable one and leave a path to reconciliation open even if you know he'll never take it ... but then I never had to put up with the abuse angle, so it may serve some purpose in moving forward for you.

May this be the last big, scary disappointment in your transition. Warmest wishes for a brighter future,

[Aimee20]

As for your therapist, a therapist is like a consultant in the business world. Someone you pay to tell you things you want to hear. Remember the therapist only heard your side of the story.

Any therapist that practices in this way should not only have there license revoked buy be brought up on criminal charges. A therapist is exactly there to challenge how you think and help you too analyze thoughts, emotions, feelings, and life situations.

Michelle, you didn't do anything wrong by sending an email to your father. It sucks but sometimes people will not be accepting, that isn't always permanent though. II think that you absolutely need to talk with your mother, it's no right of your father's to try and stop you. But if you are afraid for her safety do you have any close friends or your brother that is able to check in with her and make sure everything is ok?

That is the same reaction I would expect from my father but I doubt I will ever come out to him. We haven't spoken in nearly five years because of along history of violence, alcoholism, and manipulation all throughout when my brothers and I were growing up. My parents being separated did make me able to come out to my mom without having to be afraid for her safety.

So keep it up and just know we are here for you.

[Andy66]

Aw, Michelle. Sorry to hear it didnt go well with Dad. Hes not really a people person, is he? I can guess at some of his issues, but only you really know him here, and can decide the best course of action for yourself. He may even mean well in his own way, but if his way of caring does more harm than good, then you know what your options are, and how much you are willing to put up with. Im glad your brother has a level head, and hopefully your mother does too.

[kimdl93]

Given what you knew about your father, were you really surprised? Seriously? I don't for a moment justify his reaction nor his brutish behavior. His utter ignorance is apparent. And No, extra testosterone won't change it. Look how much good it has done him!

[Frances]

First off, I am sorry it did not go down too well. Our condition is misunderstood and transition is incredibly hard. The treatment is often administered in spite and against everyone's elses wishes.

That said, your father made some good points and raised issues that are worth considering. He cannot prevent you from telling people and the male hormone stuff is archaic and pointless. But some of the other points are things to think about. At least you should think about how they make you feel.

[Dianne S]

I'm really sorry it went so badly for you. It's so much easier and better when you have a supportive family.

But now you have to live your life authentically. You have to decide what's right for you and live authentically. Being far away from your dad is probably a very good thing.
Good luck.

[Megan Thomas]

Obviously you must do what is right for you, but were I told not to tell my relatives that's exactly what I wouldn't be doing. That whole conversation was about your dad seeking to protect himself first and foremost. Tell who you like. It's your right, as is living your life as you see fit!

[Rachel Smith]

Sorry about your experience with your father. There is nothing wrong with doing it in an email. I came out to my whole family via email except my parents, they don't do puters, I sent them a hard copy of the email. It is not your fault you feel the way you do nor is it their fault for how they feel. You can only hold each one responsible for how they react to it. I hope things turn around quickly for you.

Hugs
Rachel

[MonicaJean]

Email is sometimes a good way to come out, read Lisa Salazar’s book “Transparently”, she had great success with this method with many people.

Michelle, my heart breaks for you "showing his typical emotional abusive behavioral pattern.”… this tells me the obvious, you never had a chance at acceptance by your dad. This breaks my heart :(

"I have also made a decision that I am disowning my father, and will never speak to him again.”
You made the right decision. I support your fully. Abuse is never to be tolerated. You are doing the right thing by saying “enough!"

Being 3000 miles away is a blessing.

HUGS to you….

[Rachelakld]

Mums are usually the most empathetic people to our disposition, and therefore probably the best to tell first (don't all girls need their mum?).

Sometimes as a dad, I can be a hard arse, I think maybe his "normal" is black and white, male & female, and that is just who his is, as you are you.
Never ever disown anyone (doesn't mean you have to be buddies), people, even fathers can change or soften over time, especially if mum is on your side.

[FurPus63]

Michelle,
I read your post and was totally appauled! Your father is definateley transphobic. Like so many men from that age group and older. His ignorance is blaring when he tells you to take testostorone therapy. He obviously doesn't know a thing about GD and the fact that you were trans* when you came out of your mother's womb! You could take all the extra t you wanted and all that would happen is you would do great harm to yourself psychologically, emotionally and possibly physically as well. Don't listen to that crap! Also; don't pay attention to anyone who advises you to "try and work it out with him....etc... " That is totally wrong advice! Your father is an abusive person. He's not going to change, he's not going to "get better." He doesn't have a clue and doesn't want one. He is satisfied (not happy, no one could be that miserable and be happy) staying the way he is and he's not about to change for anyone. It's best that you cut yourself off from him and limit your contact. If he calls tell him you don't want to speak to him and hang up immediately. Eventually he'll either ask why; and you can tell him that you are no longer going to take his abuse and the minute the conversation turns non-supportive and not-nice you're going to hang up on him, or he will not call you again thus severing the relationship. You remain in control and you don't have to take his bullshit any longer.

I know this is hard for you, hun. It hurts. It's going to hurt for a long time. However; this is what happens quite often when we choose to transition. Many of us lose spouses, children, parents, siblings, other family and friends....You knew that before you wrote those emails. Yet it had to happen. You can't hide this from them forever. It had to be done. So you chose the best way you knew to get the news to your brother and father. Hope telling your mother (and she must be told along with anyone else you want to tell f..k your dad!) goes much smoother.

Good luck. God's Blessings and Peace to you.

Paulette

[Eryn]

Michelle, I'm sorry that it didn't go the way you wanted. Complex things seldom do but we make the best of them.

First, don't disown your father. He's doing what, however misguided, he thinks best. He's also married to your mother and you really don't want him to be a barrier between you and your mom. It is unlikely that you will bring him around, but at least you might have a truce with him.

Second, your father does not dictate what you can and cannot say to your mother. She deserves to know what is going on. If she doesn't do email then you need to talk to her directly and let her know what is going on with you. Your plan for speaking with her is sound and not having your father present is an excellent idea.

Third, don't take your brother's later actions against him. Your brother seems to be OK with you despite trying to communicate some of your father's thoughts. He is as aware of the nature of your father as you are and it is likely that he will become an ally while also protecting your mother. Right now you need allies.

I know that things look bleak at the moment, but they will improve. Concentrate on the important people, those who support you for who you are.

[LeaP]

I instructed them in the letter to tell Mom, or to at least let me read it myself to Mom.

It is YOUR job to tell your mother, not theirs.

That I should look for a better job, and look outside of the L.A. area. He has given me four such lectures in the past, including one three weeks ago.

Irrelevant.

2. That I am going down a path of self-destruction. Sex change to him is a path of self-destruction.

It is from his point of view. Valid in its own way. Recognize it. He isn't the only one who will think this!

3. That psychologists are liberals and only say what you want to hear. Psychologists never try to challenge you.

Conventional wisdom. Actually true of some psychologists, of course.

4. That the LGBT community people aren't my friends, and that the only ones who care about me are him, my mom, and my brother.
Btw, this one really smacks of his emotional abuse pattern.

Also conventional wisdom. Blood is thicker than water, and all that. Besides, much of the LGBT “community” has little use for trans people.

5. That people who really love you will give you tough love and not encouragement.

True enough in the main, though they don’t give ONLY tough love!

6. That I am only thinking myself into being trans because I somehow felt inadequate as a man.

Strike one! Although ... the first part is BS, the second is probably true!

7. That I should start taking male hormones and go for reverse therapy to become a better man.

Strike two!

8. He emphasized the word "man" a lot.

So? What did you THINK he would do?

9. That I should stop taking female hormones and stop my transition.

Strike three! (… is he out? … is this baseball?)

10. That he will never call me Michelle.
Btw, I bet he now hates that name.

Give him a year or 10, you never know.

11. That I will always be his son, and he will never recognize me as his daughter.

See answer above.

12. That I am not welcome at his funeral if I continue down this path.

Whatever. Funerals are for the survivors, however, not the guy in the box. Tell him that you will leave the funeral if he gets up and tells you to go, otherwise you have every intention of showing up - as Michelle - whether he likes it or not. Say it cheerfully!

13. That I am to never tell any relatives.

Not his call!

14. That I am to never visit them dressed as a woman, and that I will never visit that town dressed as a woman. He is afraid that word will get around and that people will think of us in a terrible way.

OK, not his call, and I think his concern isn’t all about you!

15. He asked me how tall I am, and I said 6 foot. He told me that as a 6 foot woman that I will never pass, and always be read as trans.

Tell him to visit any good-sized university.

16. That as a 6 foot tall woman, that only bigger men will ever date me, and they will beat the shit out of me and make my life miserable.

Seriously? Did you laugh?

17. That I am experiencing some kind of smoke right now in my head.

He’s heard of Pink Fog? Perhaps he thinks you're turning into bacon?

18. He will not disown me or stop talking to me, but he does not accept me being trans.

When he calls looking for Ned, just tell him Ned doesn't live here anymore and hang up. Sayonara!

19. He never noticed anything feminine about me, and never thought I was gay.
Btw, what a lie. 12 years ago, he threatened to disown me if I was gay.

Now I feel sorry for the guy. Because if he thought he had a handle on what being gay means in a cisgender situation, what he's got coming up next is going to fill his head up with smoke (or something.)

He told me that I am to never tell my mother. He is afraid that she will verbally assault him every day for the rest of his life if she knows, and he is afraid that she will blab this to the whole town and everyone will know.

Not his choice, and what she does to him (or tells the town) is hers to own, not yours.

Several hours later I spoke with my brother, who urged me to consider the male hormone treatment. He also said that dad is wrong about not telling mom, and that we should definitely tell mom. He is very much in a quandry about what to do about this.

I assume the hormones are a non-starter. This, like the enabling psychologist and not manly enough memes, isn’t going to die in a hurry. Such things are used by others to structure how they conceptualize you into their own frameworks of understanding. You don’t need to engage on those topics and, if you do, aren’t likely to change any minds anyway.

It’s YOUR decision what, how, and when to tell your mother! Not his, and not both of yours! Yours.

You are REALLY focused on emotional abuse. I know it’s hard to shake off the effects of your rearing, but as an adult, you bear the responsibility as to whether you take this on in the way that you are. You can write him off, but it may be effective enough to establish - and MAINTAIN - emotional and psychological distance. Validate anything worthwhile coming your way. Dismiss the rest.

[Michelle789]

Thank you all for your support. It has been an emotionally challenging week, not to mention that I am battling a cold and sleep deprivation for two back to back nights. One other thing I forgot to mention. My dad also said that I was "burning my bridges". He said that several times throughout the conversation. He never quite made clear what he meant by that.

[MonicaJean]

Hope you get some rest Michelle. The emotional abuse....I'm so sorry for you hun.

[becky77]

Hi Michelle

Sorry to hear it went badly, but your Dad is an arse and you knew that. Please remember this is totally unexpected and his initial reaction is based on shock and fear.
He is transphobic, the main issue here is how it reflects on him. Right now he is only thinking of himself. Give him time and probably not but you may change his mind when he realises this is you and if he doesn't change he will lose you. Only time will tell on that one but don't disown him or you take away that chance, even if it is a slim chance.
You really should have told your Mum first but its done now. I believe in face to face for these things. Be ready that she may initially take your Dads side, that's a common reaction that often doesn't last as a Mother's love will override it. But just be aware that's maybe how she goes at first, if there is an abusive history she might side with your Dad out of misplaced loyalty. Doesn't necessarily indicate how she feels inside.
I know this from my Mum who wrote me off for four years because she sided with my Dad. It hurt her bad but took some time before she had the courage to go against him for her own wishes.

There is a real positive in your brothers reaction, so its not all bad.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

What Lea said at the end of her post is a big deal.

If you can't truly conquer the feelings around the emotional suffering you've endured, its a really good compromise and first step in healing to accept responsibility not for your past but for your future.
It's a real shame if your troubles in the past take away a bright future.

Your best defense against your dad is not to analyze everything he says.
That is a waste of your precious time and emotional energy.
Your best defense is to simply thrive as yourself.

Part of thriving is to gain independence from him and minimize the idea that your past is going to determine your future.

[Andy66]

One other thing I forgot to mention. My dad also said that I was "burning my bridges". He said that several times throughout the conversation. He never quite made clear what he meant by that.

I would take that to mean that he feels you are choosing to leave the family, and he doesnt want you to do that. Of course his perception is skewed. It sounds like hes actually confused and scared. Scared that you could be messing up your life and messing up what he feels his family should be like. He has probably put decades of work into molding what he feels is a good life for his family, and has no clue that lifestyle is not right for everyone. He probably also has no clue that his behavior is abusive. It really sounds like he loves you in his own very misguided way, but at the same time hes also trying to look out for himself.

None of what I just said should be taken to mean that you need to put up with Dads nonsense. You are right to put your foot down and demand to be treated with respect.

[Eringirl]

Hi Michelle:

Sooo sorry that you have to endure this type of abuse. And yes, to me it is abuse. Continue to work with your therapists. And no, they don't only tell you what you want to hear!!! Good grief. Mine is constantly asking me tough questions and challenging me, but knows how to do this in a supportive way. A true talent. Not sure I would be here today without her commitment to me as a person.

And, If it were me, I would have disowned your father as soon as the physical and emotional abuse started...but that is just me....

I salute your bravery for transitioning, and I wish only good things for you in your journey. Keep us posted...

Erin

[Cheryl123]

Dear Michelle .. so sorry babe. There are causalities in transition .. we lose friends, sometimes spouses, sometimes parents and family. But don't be a victim here sweetie. It's time to be strong and to be super-proud of who you are. Our first commandment is to always love ourselves. We don't love ourselves by keeping abusive people in our lives .. no matter who they are. Love your father from a distance, work with your therapist to forgive him, but understand your father does not love you. No loving father acts the way he has acted. I've been through this with my own father, but not over being trans. He couldn't accept the fact that I loved a person who's skin was darker than his. I put 12,000 miles between myself and him in order to survive emotionally. I learned to forgive him but we never saw each other for the last 13 years of his life. That was his decision. Michelle dear, understand that you are on the verge of a beautiful life in a beautifully accepting world. Find a place where it is cool to be trans. That is where you will find people who will love and support you. Be strong my dear, and be oh so proud of who you are. Lots and lots of love.

[KaceyR]

My heart goes out to you... Be strong with this. Yes, I agree with most on the sound of his emotional abuse or control. It kind of sounds like that's the biggest reason (to him) to be in the family...to exert control and not love and understanding.
And anything outside the realm of "normalcy" is uncontrollable to him..so he panics and threatens not understanding or even thinking of any "love or caring" aspect. I do kind of agree that the mother may have needed to be first in notification, and in talking at least instead of email and letting others "pass it along". Whether she'd been accepting and help ease Dad, or now, if she'd go along with his abusive side and slink away (old abuse,beatings,etc may keep her silent) it's hard to say. In a way, the Dad now holds the upper hand of power and control with her so don't be surprised.

I myself am dreading some of this... I'm going to INdiana to talk with my mom tomorrow. It's not going to be pretty and I hope I can make it. While I don't have to battle a dad (dead) or many relatives, there may be additional issues with her community that I hope she's not subjected to on account of me. In a way I fear that more.

[Nicole Erin]

So once again folks, we witness it happening - family reacting to our "coming out" the same ways they react to everything.
Apparently Michelle's dad has always been (not so nice) so this is no different. He sounds pretty insecure really.

For disowning - why bother talking to him anyways? I mean if he is always such a shit about everything, why waste time talking to him?

As far as the funeral, he is flattering himself. I mean who is gonna travel 3,000 miles to attend a funeral of someone they don't get along with?

[Kimberly Kael]

As far as the funeral, he is flattering himself. I mean who is gonna travel 3,000 miles to attend a funeral of someone they don't get along with?

To provide emotional support to others who will be in attendance? A funeral isn't held for the deceased.

[MonicaJean]

Michelle, HUGS. How are you doing this morning? Are you doing OK?

[Brooklyn]

So sorry... I imagine everyone in your family is pretty darn upset in their own way. Gather yourself, do what you need to do, and gracefully help them through this change if possible. If some family members don't come 'round, that's on them and not your doing.

[Eryn]

To provide emotional support to others who will be in attendance? A funeral isn't held for the deceased.

At that point in time it will be a moot point. The deceased is in no position to dictate who may not attend.

[PaulaQ]

I hope that coming out to your mom goes well, Michelle. I agree wholeheartedly that you should do this yourself - and do it quickly, before your brother or father ruin it for you by telling her some terrible thing that bears only passing resemblance to the truth of the matter. Seriously - you get one chance to tell your story. If someone else does it for you - you get NO chance to ever really tell it.

I'm really sorry about your father. Then again, from everything you've ever said about him, maybe disowning you would be the best thing he's ever done for you? (I'm only partly joking here...)

[Teresa]

Michelle,
Try and say and do what I did with my father ! If I say and do the opposite to him I will be a good and honest person !
Try to be your own person no matter what road you take and don't be ruled by others !

I lost my father at 53 and not one person misses him ! I would hate to end up like that !

[becky77]

Any news on telling your Mum Michelle? I Hope things are ok, you've gone silent on us.

[flatlander_48]

It is truly unfortunate that things have gone the way that they have so far. However, I would guess that your father's reaction should not have been unanticipated (at least in concept, aside from the degree of vehemence).

Regarding the spectrum of transgender people, we cannot make people like us and accept us. We can only give them the information about what's going on and how we feel. But, we cannot create understanding for them. Everybody has to reconcile this for themselves and there will be those who will never understand. That's the sad truth of it.

The key here is that you are talking about YOUR Life. You sound relatively young, so you have many years in which you need to be happy and comfortable within yourself. If not, it will be a life of struggle and misery and that should just not happen. Above all, you must do what is right for you.

Regarding coming out in an E-mail, there are ways in which that can be very helpful. If you tell someone in person, what starts out of a conversation can quickly devolve into a arguement. That doesn't do anyone any good and may reduce the chances that all the topics you wanted to present will get talked about. If you read a message and then talk about it at some later point, the person has some time to process the message in the E-mail or letter. It may avoid a lot of the knee jerk reaction...

[Michelle789]

Hi everyone, I'm back. Sorry I haven't been on the boards the past week. I've been very busy with my boyfriend, with AA, recovering from a cold, and resting from emotional stress. I'm over my cold now.

It has been an emotionally challenging week to say the least. I would say more emotionally draining. And having to fight both a bad cold and the stress of my father's reaction made it really difficult to stay happy and made recovery very difficult. I ended up being off work all last week and yesterday, and I finally returned to work today. Yay, I'm so glad to be back at work after nearly two weeks off of work.

I finally came out to my mom on Friday afternoon. She handled it much better than my father. She wasn't surprised that I was transgender, and she seemed to be totally okay with it. I still wonder how she will hold up over the next several weeks, but at least her initial reaction was better than my father's. She has seen people come out as gay or transgender over the news, and believes it is better to live as who you really are rather than to live in misery or commit suicide over it. She is aware that people do commit suicide over gender dysphoria.

I don't think the full implications of me being trans has sunk in yet with my mom. I'm sure it will take some time. I definitely want to do a follow up with her and just to see how she is feeling.

Unfortunately, when I tried to call my mom, my dad answered the phone, and talked with me for a few minutes. He said that he wanted to speak to me on Sunday and offer an "alternative theory" behind what happened. I really dreaded even speaking to him and I didn't talk to him on Sunday. On Sunday night, he sent me an email asking why I called on a Friday afternoon, and quickly jumped to the conclusion that I lost my job. He then said that he was worried about me bankrupting the family financially. Geez, I really don't know how this is possible. I am 34. I am financially independent of him. I don't see how this is even possible. At the end of the email, he says that if I lose my job, that I am welcome to return home as a guy, and he would fully financially support me while living at home. He even wrote my male name in ALL CAPS. I honestly refuse to detransition for him, and even if he let me come home as a woman, I still wouldn't want to live there given all of his emotional abuse and negativity.

I had a long talk with my therapist about my father, my relationship with him, and his past abuse. She wants me to do a write up, similar to my coming out letter, writing down everything about how I really feel about my father, but not to send it to him, and we'll work on in therapy. She also wants me to not contact my father for at least the next few months, which I agree with. So for now we are working on how to handle my father.

My therapist also said that the amount of bullying my father is doing with regards to my transition is at the extreme levels. Lots of fathers might not approve and some might disown you for being trans. They might not let you show up as a woman to holidays and family functions, and they might mis-gender you. But the bullying he has been doing is to the extreme, and is at levels that are more common with the wives of transsexuals. Many wives out of scorn try to bully their former husbands from transitioning, but usually the fathers don't do this -- although she has seen it a few times in the past.

This is why I am needing to put a distance between me and my father, and on top of that he also is an emotional abuser about issues not related to being trans. Because my father sees his children and wife as his property. Because he is a crazy man. I think they should have gatekeeping towards who can and cannot have kids, the way they have gatekeeping towards who can and cannot transition. Right, our society says it's okay to get married, have kids, and to physically or emotionally abuse your children, but it's not okay to be transgender even though you're harming no one. No wonder our world is so screwed up. I think patriarchy thrives on seeing emotionally traumatized children.

The joys of having both dysphoria and emotional trauma from my father, oh and alcoholism too. Yay. Lucky me!!!! I am royally screwed up in the head. It's a miracle anyone would date me!!! Well, Cody understands what it is like to be trans and have had a royally dysfunctional family too!!! I now see we really are a perfect match. We truly understand each other :)

[flatlander_48]

M:

Remember that we define ourselves. We should never let anyone else do that for us. I think you have a pretty good idea of what needs to happen and it's a very positive thing that you are working through stuff with a therapist. However, you didn't arrive at this point in time in short order. Therefore, don't expect the benefits of therapy to happen overnight. It will happen, but try not to be discouraged with the pace of things.

In the mean time, treat yourself well. Do some things that just make YOU feel good: maybe talk a walk someplace senic, go see a good movie, have a good talk with a friend, think of something that you don't know and research it and learn about it, etc. Whatever it is, do it just for you. You deserve to have a good time just like anyone else...

[PaulaQ]

Twenty four years ago, I stopped having anything to do with my father. He died without me saying another word to him years later. (He died young - he didn't take care of himself.) I couldn't deal with his ongoing alcoholism - he was just a really toxic person. I spent a month with him at a treatment center where he'd been sent to deal with his alcoholism. At the end of that month, I realized we'd spent more time together than the combined total of our time together before. He returned to drinking within about a week of checking out. I'd tried to go to AA with him - he just went back to drinking instead.

I felt like that at that point, I'd done more for him than he'd ever done for me, and so from my perspective, my side of the street was clean. The relationship didn't work, so I ended it. It was the only thing I could do for my own safety and sobriety.

Sometimes that's just how it goes. I hope that isn't the case for you, Michelle, but it does happen, and it sure isn't much fun. :(

I'm really happy your mom is supportive, at least so far.

[KaceyR]

Am glad your mom's good with it Michelle.
My talk to my mom just occurred last night thru this morning actually...
I got down here to moms place last Wed, but with a lot of other things, along with my own bit of reluctance (and over imagination of bad scenarios) I didn't talk it up till last night(tues).
While I had a (too long really) letter set and did gave it to her, in the end just ended up talking it all out more, and mom was pretty understanding about it all. I think she actually did some investigation on some things even before this 'outing' as she'd cut out a couple articles from the paper regarding "transgender" topics to give to me. So she'd had it on her mind.
Gotta say, she's a cool Mom.

It is too bad on your dad...although I could likely see the same thing as yours if mine was still around.

I kind of feel bad and guilty at times for _not_ running into much resistance or issues like so many others report.
I just figure in the end, good or bad outcomes with family/friends, we have to do what we can to take care of ourselves with the issues we face. It's something we have to do to survive (transitioning) and if they don't want to support or be a part of our new lives, it's ultimately _their_ loss for not living with their heart instead of ego/closed-mindedness.

[Bria]

Michelle, I'm sorry to hear how your father has reacted and glad that your mom has reacted much better. Stay strong, it sounds like your therapist has a good plan. Good luck with it, I'll remember you and your family in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Jorja]

Ok, you have one against and one for or at least open to it anyhow. Now it is your responsibility to make them see it. Show them how much happier you are. Show them (at least let them see) how much more productive you are. For some people you have to literally paint the picture for them. Finish getting that college degree with good grades. Always show them that smile even when you really don't want too. Dress conservative when around them. You don't want them thinking you are some kind of street trash or something. Make them think that your transition is the best thing that could have ever happened in this world. It was wasn't it? Don't make it a lie but you have to win them over if you want them to accept and respect you.

[Michelle789]

Thank you all for the love and support. I live 3000 miles away from them and my dad refuses to let me visit them dressed as a woman. However, there are ways I can show them that I am better off as a result of my transition.

1. I can start with a Skype video chat and they can get a chance to read my face and see that I appear more relaxed.

2. I can visit them in NYC and let them see me in person for a few days and see how much happier I am.

3. I can tell them the facts, that are indisputable. The facts are that other people around me can sense the difference.

* Friends from AA see that I am way happier, more relaxed, and the most myself that they have ever seen since I have come out and started living authentically.
* My co-workers tell me that I seem more focused and that I have better coping skills for when trouble arises than I used to.
* My chiropractor noticed the difference too.
* At least two friends who live far away (one in Long Beach, one in Virginia) from here said they notice the difference in my voice, that from my voice I sound way happier than I used to.

None of these are part of any LGBT group. They are from different parts of my life, and from groups who don't know each other.

4. I can show them by getting my best salary ever as a woman, and doing my best performance at work as a woman. And yes, I will achieve all of this in Los Angeles.

5. I already have my first ever relationship since I started living as a woman. I just haven't told them yet. But I would like to eventually tell them about Cody.


Update:

1. I tried calling my mom after work this evening. She didn't answer the phone, and then my dad left me a message saying that he heard my mom's phone ring. He told me, in a very frantic and nasty tone of voice, that I am to never tell my mom about this. Surprise, she already knows. Oh, and he told me that if any of your LGBT friends are advising you to tell my mom, that "they're not your friends, they are our enemies, friends don't do this."

Omg, he is freakin crazy. I only wish I could upload a copy of this message, and the one he left me a week and a half ago, onto the forum so you could hear the insanity.


2. I spoke with my brother earlier this afternoon. He told me a number of things that really disturbed me. I asked if mom contacted Dr. M (my mom's therapist) yet, and he said no, they haven’t even made the appointment yet. I asked him if he spoke with Dr. K (my brother's therapist) yet, and he said yes. Dad went with him to see Dr. K. I already don’t like that Dad, who is clearly opposed to my transition, had to go with my brother to influence their thinking.

My brother is upset with the fact that I did not discuss this matter with my family first. I asked him why does my family need to weigh in on this, and he said “because we’re your family and this affects all of us.” He told me that I never come to any of them when I have a personal problem. I told him that maybe there is a reason why I don’t. I told him why I felt uncomfortable talking with them, and then he told me that I have always been like that and “In that sense you’re just like Dad, you just do things without consulting us first.”

He also asked me if my therapist asked me if I had discussed this with my family. I told him that you asked me that on our very first session, and I told you why I never said anything to my family or to AA.

My brother also said that Dr. K believes that I should have talked with my family first. my brother also said that Dr. K thinks I should fly out to Connecticut for a month and see a gender specialist at Yale that Dr. K knows. I told my brother that I would not do this. I refuse to go home for a whole month, or even for a day, dressed as a guy. Even if they let me dress as a girl I wouldn’t want to go home and turn my power over to my family.

Also, why the **** should I fly 3000 miles to see a gender specialist when I am already seeing one locally? My brother believes I should get a second opinion. Oh yeah, my brother told me I should see a gender specialist, and I told him that I am already seeing one. He obviously seems to think that a therapist at neither the LGBT Center nor the L.A. Gender Center counts.

Even if I really wanted a second opinion, why not just see someone else out here in L.A? Why fly 3000 miles and take a whole month off from work? Like seriously, my brother, and my father who I believe is really behind the whole thing, who is soooo concerned about my career, would actually let me take a whole month off from work to fly out to get counseling in Connecticut? Oh, because the truth is they really want me to be at home as part of their dysfunctional puppet show.

This is completely absurd. I am an adult woman, and they have no right to weigh in on any of this. Seriously, have you heard of any other families trying to talk their adult child out of transition like this, or try to go to extreme lengths to try to stop the transition? Transwomen who are self-supporting adults. Dr. K also wants to speak with me over the phone some time about this.

I finally asked about Mom, and he said that mom was very shocked by this and very worried about my wellbeing. I then later called my mom, and asked her if any of this was true, and she said no. She told me that she is not shocked by this. She said that she fully supports me, and her only concern was if some transphobe sees me and tries to do something. So I suspect my brother may be putting words into my mom’s mouth.

I’m not sure if Dr. K actually said any of that or that is my brother trying to put words into his mouth.

Finally, my brother said that I will always be read as obviously male in public.