Outcome from Visit to Therapy yesterday

[Eringirl]

One of the main points of discussion yesterday with my therapist was a realization on my part recently, that is not about the clothes, but the form. That is to say, for me it is more about having female physical attribute (form) than about clothing. To me it doesn't matter if I am wearing dresses or skirts, I am just as happy in jeans and tops, whatever is appropriate, and doing everyday normal things, not having to glam it up to go to clubs etc. So the conversation is less around CD, but more around TG and where I am and where I want to go. For the longest time (decades) I considered myself as CD, but I am not sure anymore if that is what it is. Being me is more about having the female form than the clothing. Conversation around transitioning and what that would like and have I thought about it, have I thought about going full time, etc, etc, The clothing simply helps to accentuate the form (curves). Not liking my male side or attributes, fully embracing my female side. Not sure if I am making sense here? Still wrapping my furry little brain around it all. Just musings I need to write down to try to articulate to myself....

:confused:

Erin

[Leanne2]

Hi Erin, For over 50 years I knew that I wasn't a regular guy but I figured that I must be either gay or a cd. I'm not attracted to men so that put a crimp in my gay theory. But I knew that I was more than a cd. Gender counseling did me a world of good. Now I realize that I am a M to F transsexual. But because of my marriage and life in general, I won't be transitioning. It is a good thing that the young people these days have access to the information so they can figure out their situation before their life choices complicate things. I am and always have been female. I hope this helps you some. Leanne

[Dianne S]

That's interesting. One of my friends determined she was TS rather than CD by trying an experiment. For two days, she wore women's clothes (dresses, skirts) around the house, but no breast forms and no attempt to shape her body to look female. Then for two days, she wore male clothes, but with breast forms and appropriate body shaping tricks. She felt far more at ease with the forms and male clothes, and she said it was one clue that helped her realize she's TS.

[MsVal]

It makes perfect sense to me Erin, possibly because it sounds a lot like me.

Does this sound familiar?

On those occasions when I can dress, I don't feel excited, aroused, or anything particularly special. What I DO feel is satisfying feeling of "normal". Things just seem to be right with the world, my disposition mellows, and I enjoy spending my time going about my normal daily business. My dream dress-up day would be to wear whatever is appropriate for the day's tasks, and go about them while feeling "normal". I may go to the grocery store or attend a club meeting. The place is immaterial. I may even put on sweats and a T-shirt to wash windows.

I can get that same feeling by imagining it, but it's more difficult, and fleeting.

It would be nice to have my own breasts and hips. Nothing dramatic, but something a bit more generous than my little Bs. I don't want them so badly that I envision transitioning, but two years ago I wouldn't envision being where I am at now.

So what do you think? Does that sound like your story too?

Best wishes
MsVal

[Eringirl]

Hi Val, Dianne & Leanne:

Thanks so much for your thoughtful comments. Val, that does sound like me. And an interesting way to think about the process. I am very much in the camp of female form regardless of the clothes. Just wearing female attire does nothing for me. Having my nails done, brows shaped help to keep me calm. But having breasts and hips, hair(have dreaded male pattern baldness) that is what does it for me. Thanks for that insight Dianne. A very interesting way to look at it!

Leanne: I hear you. I don't know if transitioning is in the cards for me as I am also married, but kids are all grown and gone. So the only thing that is stopping me is the thought of losing my spouse. But that is the only thing. So the issue I am working on now with my therapist is how much I can do to keep Erin alive within in me and not loose my spouse. She is not supportive at all and has already suggested that if I continue I need to leave. So one way or another I loose, either my spouse or Erin who is an integral part of me. Which can I survive without, or can I find a minimal amount acceptable to my spouse and survive. The trick is though, surviving is much different than thriving, so how do I want to spend the rest of my life. I am 55 years old, so is it too late and should I just "suck it up". ??

Again thanks for caring enough to comment. You have no idea how much it means to know that I am not alone in this struggle.

Big :hug: to you all.

Erin

[Dianne S]

I am 55 years old, so is it too late and should I just "suck it up". ??

I have a friend who successfully transitioned at 54. And I am just beginning at 47. The only time it's too late to transition is when you're dead.

As for choosing between Erin and your spouse, only you can make that choice. It is not an enviable position to be in and I wish you the best.

[Brianna_H]

Erin, I totally relate to your post. This site helped me orient myself properly as TG/TS rather than a CDer. I found that getting all glammed up was fun, but not really the whole point. For me, it is also about the shape of my body and just the strongest sense that I am female. I am perfectly happy with very minimal changes to my appearance (I like eye liner and skirts), but find that even in male clothing I am still me, a woman.

I am in therapy, too. Three sessions in. I alternate between excitement / just wanting to get transition over with and on the other hand, fear and concern for the future, my job, etc. I spend most of my time outside of work en femme and recently took a couple of trips where I mostly presented as a woman. It was fine, but my facial hair and body hair are still an issue. I can't pass close up and ended up spending a few days in boy clothes, something my wife and I both agreed on, to just let go of the stress of trying to pass all the time.

I'm going to do laser hair removal next year and probably start on hormones. But I am also trying to take things slow so I have time to think it through.

Good luck. Sounds like you are working it out.

Hugs!

[Eringirl]

fear and concern for the future, my job, etc.



Hi Brianna: I totally get the fear part. For me, it is not about my job, I would be protected as we have a very strong TG bill of rights and policy and a very active GLBT committee/advisory group. My Fear is two fold, first being broke due to divorce and losing half of my pension (when I eventually retire), and second, being alone. I would have lots of friends, so that is not the scary part, but being alone, without a partner scares me. I am a lesbian, so to trying to find someone who would partner with a Tgirl would be a challenge in my relatively small community. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with.

Having said all of that, I try not to worry about that right now, as that is far down the road for me, but it is kicking around in the back of my mind....

Erin

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion for gender to be experienced it must be physically real. This is the crux of the problem for the untransitioned transexual.

It is living your gender (identity) among people that largely makes it real

There is a falseness to crossdressing that will torment because it is a tease with no substance. It makes promises that it cannot keep.

Identity must be real,whole and complete and you need others for this experience.

Identity must be seen to be felt and felt to be known

It is a personal reality dependent on others to create.

Knowing you are a woman is different than experiencing yourself as a woman.

The knowing is static and lives in the mind but the experiencing has movement and flow to it, so washes over, into and through the mind and body.

This movement makes it "real" and it is known in both mind and BODY instead of only in the mind.

Your gender must be lived on the stage of life.

Clothing is limited in the reality it can create. It is largely illusory which can be lots of fun to play with in the absence of GD.

[Promethea]

It's interesting how we all experience things differently.

In my case the realization came a while after having let go of the form. As in, if I have a few GG friends flat as a board and my mom can live without her breasts after cancer, am I less of a woman for not having breasts? That was when I got rid of my breast forms and a few more things.

Some time after that, when I realized I was trangender, I felt I still didn't need to modify my form as long as I'm confident about who and what I am (partly because I'm a feminist and somewhat of a hippy, if I was a GG I would probably have hairy legs and armpits). After transitioning, however, I'm starting to feel I will need to get electrolysis and some surgery, not so much for me but to make things easier for others.

It's not your brain that will guide you through this. You need to feel your way though. And it's neer too late. If you haven't watched the film "Normal" you should, preferably with your wife. I wish we all had SOs as loving as Jessica Lange's character in that film.

Hugs.