Looking for some advice.

[zaphod_2001]

Hey girls!
So just recently my wife and I decided to separate after 18 years of marriage, not really a mutual decision but something was bound to happen, and the reason is mostly my fault (as story for another time), but one of the bigger reasons is my "inability" to stop dressing as Jayme. Well since we are getting a divorce, I really don't care about her opinion any more and have come out to most of my friends and family, which she had a real issue with when we were together. So far it has been one of the best decisions of my life. I love being out, my family and friends are so supportive, its going better than I had ever hoped. Now I know this is bugging the hell out of my estranged wife, but like I said, I really don't care what her opinion is anymore. But there is one obstacle that she has placed that really grates at my nerves and I just want so bad to tell her to blow it out her ass, but I am seriously having issues with it. We have two beautiful little girls, the oldest is 13 the youngest is just turned 6. They are fantastic girls, and I have tried everything I could while raising them to be open minded and accepting children and I think I have done a good job. My issue is about showing them Jayme. My wife strictly forbids it, she is afraid the girls will face ridicule and humiliation of their own if they were ever open up about me to their friends. Now through years I have asked them questions like if they saw a little boy in their school wearing a skirt how would they react, and all their answers were always so positive, I am so proud of them. Now I don't want to hide anything from them and I feel they have a right to know. I have told my oldest and she said if that is what makes me happy then so be it, I asked her not to tell her mom and she has respected that because she knows her mom wouldn't handle it very well. Now my youngest is a different story, great kid, cant keep a secret to save her life. The thing is, she has seen Jayme twice before when she was younger, about 3 and 4. She even mentioned it to her mother, which I said was an accident and we just played it off. I really want to show my youngest and I don't know what to do.
Anyway, if you made it this far through the story, thanks. Your opinions and advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
Jayme

[CONSUELO]

My goodness, this is a difficult decision and by getting other's opinions first I think you are on the right track.
My only advice is to be very careful and remember to approach this slowly and carefully. Try to look at it from their standpoint rather than your own. Also, even though life seems to be OK since you have come out to friends and family, you will need to be careful to maintain at least a working relationship with your ex-wife.

Good luck and I hope that others have some good ideas.

[Tina B.]

Talk to your lawyer before you do, I don't think it could be used against you, but it is best to be sure. An ex could use the information to try and create a rift between you and your girls, depends on what type of person she is. I would hope neither of you would use the kids to get at each other, but I'm afraid it does happen. My ex tried to keep me from visitation because of my being Trans, but the judge didn't seem to care about it one way or the other. But she never told the kids, so I guess she wasn't as bad as some of the things I used to call her.

[Jodi]

Make sure you have a good lawyer, and listen to him/her. This is going to be the worst situation you have ever gone through. Be ready for it. You have not only property settlement, but you have a custody battle facing you. Worst case scenario is that you are left penniless, in debt, and being denied the right to see your children. It can go up from there. don't be surprised if the cd'ing is used in the custody fight.

Just be ready for the fight of your life. Once the lawyers get involved, the gloves come off, and it is bare knuckle fighting the rest of the way.

Been there.

Jodi

[MsVal]

I don't believe you should disclose to your young children.

I am sure that you have raised your children to be kind and open minded. Their classmates are a different lot.

You may feel better for telling your children, but that may put them at risk of ridicule or bullying by their less enlightened peers.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Amy Lynn3]

Jayme, At times we all need to take backseat to our desires for the benefit of others. At this point I feel if you stay under the radar until the court case is settled the better off you will be, especially in the eyes of your spouse and her attorney. Please, don't give them any ammunition to shoot at you with. Cding is not against the law and can't be used against you in court, but I feel your spouse will pile this on as an issue for her actions. You don't need that at this time....just lay low and be the best father/husband you know how be until court is over.

After the visitation times are granted by mediation, then you can test the water, concerning coming out to your daughters. Court is not a good thing to be in and it can and will upset all your plans and desires, so wait for exposure of Jayme, even if it is until the girls are 18. It will be to your advantage in the long run. Just my two cents, coming from one who has been there.

[Jenniferathome]

You are clearly NOT doing this for her. For that reason, don't. Children between 5 and 15 are most likely to mishandle this situation. Older kids have a foundation about who they are and what is what. Younger kids haven't a clue about anything and can accept everything. But the age rage of 5 to 15 is a minefield.

Unless you are 24/7 and have the kids at your home, showing them is a mistake. Telling them is a mistake. See a child counselor and they will tell you the same thing.

[Katey888]

My feelings are similar to others here so far: I tend towards not revealing (I'll come back to this), and I think the idea of getting further legal advice is essential before doing anything in these circumstances.

A lot to do with revealing or not comes down to motivation for me. If you just like to dress up and socialise, I'd say no - but you've indicated that you have something of an "inability" to stop dressing (at least in your wife's opinion..;)) and I have to ask the question: do you think there is more to this for you than just dressing? If there is more - that you may want to move towards a more 24/7 presentation or even transition, then that is a different situation that may require more discussion, but even so, probably no need to reveal at present.

Please remember that while your children may be accepting, not everyone is, and it's other folk that potentially cause problems... You may feel they have a right to know, but I don't think children do. As an adult and parent I do believe you have a duty of responsibility towards them, to do what is best in protecting them - and that sometimes means making choices that might place more of a burden on you - in this case a burden of secrecy and patience. :)

Do take the time to think long and hard about all the ramifications and consequences of what you want to do and how that may pan out - you may be letting your feelings about your wife's position on this cause more of a reaction against her opinion... :hugs:

Good luck!

Katey x

[zaphod_2001]

Thanks ladies! I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond, and you all present very valid points. I guess I am letting her opinion of my being Jayme influence my decisions. I think patience and restraint are the key words here.
Thank you all again for the advice, I will definitely hold back on telling them and just be the best Dad I can be. :)

Love you all,
Jayme

[Teresa]

Zaphod,
I'm glad you've come to that decision you don't want risk hurting the girls in any way, they will have enough of their own problems and need your support without dealing with your problems ! Don't give your wife ammunition to use against the kids and risk losing contact with them ! That will tear you apart and may spoil your new attitude towards CDing !
Get through your divorce, let the dust settle and give the girls chance to grow up before expecting to them take Jayme on board !

[Christen]

That is a very difficult question. My daughters are 21 and 23, through my own stupidity they both found me dressed while they were in their late teens, 16 or so. My youngest seems to handle it better, it's very difficult for my eldest (my fault, though). Now that we have announced we are separating it seems even more difficult to deal with.
I've heard of situations where younger children are 'reportedly' absolutely fine with a parent crossdressing, but personally, I think I'd keep the information for later in their lives. But in the meantime do everything to ensure that those girls grow up to be broadminded, worldly, compassionate little people, not for you but for everyone.

Christen x

[kimdl93]

Kids shouldn't be asked to keep secrets. Now that your marriage is heading towards dissolution, your wife cannot expect to control your relationship with your daughters, nor are you obliged to seek her approval of how you present yourself to them. Of course, I would recommend waiting till the court hearing and paperwork is all behind you before exercising that right. Between now and then, don't speak with either your wife or kids on the matter.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jayme, It's always so sad to hear about a well seasoned Marriage going down the Crapper,
Just be careful not to do anything that will help your wife's lawyers.:daydreaming:



I have been in this Program for almost 68yrs and I see no need to burden my two Daughters
ages 47 & 45 with this program, Only my DA-DT :love:wife of 50+ years knows about this side of me.

[Dianne S]

First, ask yourself: Are you a crossdresser or is this something deeper? Do you plan at some point to transition?

If you plan on transitioning, then your kids will know eventually. If not, they may not.

Second, what are the laws where you live? I've recently separated from my wife and my kids know all about Dianne. But I intend to transition and where I live there are laws against discriminating against transgender people, so I'm somewhat protected. I would get advice from your lawyer first.

After all the dust has settled, though, I'm strongly in favour of disclosure. Many kids have not yet been tainted with adult prejudices and you might find that your girls think it's no big deal... that was certainly the reaction from my three daughters.

[Suzanne F]

I agree with many here that you shouldn't tell them at this time. I think until you know where you are headed you shouldn't share it with them. My 3 children do know but I am out to everyone except work. I will be transitioning and have plans for HRT. My children have all done well with it. My 11 year old son has been wonderful and it has been a great teaching opportunity. We do not restrict him from telling anyone. I go to his school as Suzanne and so far no bullying has occurred. We have been open with the teachers and administration and they have been supportive. I also feel it has been important to be positive about being trans to all my kids. I understand not telling them if this is a cross dressing situation.
However, in my case this is who I am.
Suzanne

[MelanieAnne]

My issue is about showing them Jayme. My wife strictly forbids it, she is afraid the girls will face ridicule and humiliation of their own if they were ever open up about me to their friends.
Don't do it! Since you asked for advice, be a dad to your girls! Keep your crossdressing separate from the kids. I had a similar situation. Married 17 years. Wife noticed I shaved my legs, and asked about it. Like an idiot, I told her I crossdressed now and then, and showed her some photos. She got kind of quiet, and didn't say much. Within a couple weeks, she had a boyfriend at work. She said I should move out. I said I wasn't going anywhere. A week later, she said she was moving out, and moved in with her pot smoking boyfriend. My two girls, 9 and 10 stayed with me, and I raised them myself. I never told them. I don't think my wife told them. They have never said anything, and neither have I. Been single for 34 years now. Despite an occasional accepting wife, crossdressing and marriage mix about like oil and water. But keep the kids out of it!

[docrobbysherry]

If I were u? I would put this in the category of, "Need to know". Tell only those that need to know. Sounds like you've already blown the whistle with your older girl, Zaphod?

But, unless your 6 y/0 is going to see u dressed? Or, u r thinking of coming out? Why would u need to tell her? Besides, your older girl may slip up and tell her anyway.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

There seems a very deep need for some here to share their crossdressing with everyone. I don't understand this. If you don't define yourself as a crossdresser, why would you encourage others to see you this way? Because once you've told someone, this might be all they see. Of course, telling a future spouse is imperative and telling kids if you're transitioning is unavoidable, but if you're only dressing occasionally, why do family, friends, children and neighbors need to know? Has anyone here ever asked people whether they even WANT to know? Because I think many would say no, including the children who then carry their father's secret around with them. Believe me, as a spouse who knows what this feels like, it's a heavy burden you pass on.

I guess this depends on how often you dress, Jayme, and where you see it leading.

[melanie206]

Assuming you have a lawyer and you have told him/her about this issue, you should remember that in our legal system, truth takes a back seat to presented evidence and a persuasive argument. Your trans life can easily be used to sway a judge away from giving you the complete access to your kids that you want. You live in Missouri, not Berkeley. Follow your lawyers advice. Good luck!

[wannabeGirl84]

I would recommend to keep it a secret until they are old enough to digest the fact and be alright with it. To little girls, dad is someone like a superhero. Don't just ruin their life at this stage. Trust me

And I may seen a little rude which I try not to be, but distressing is almost going to ruin a happy family. It led to divorce and now those little girls ate about to know about it. I'm afraid if they start hating you.

My dad always said, when two parties have an issue, both of them feel right from their point of view.

To all of us here, we heard your side of story but what about the woman you have been living with for 18 years. What's her side of story. You obviously can't clap with one hand.

[Ally 2112]

I think the best thing to do is just keep it under raps until everthing is settled and your girls are older .Things could get nasty and this could be held against you be careful and best of luck

[Lorileah]

Just for argument's sake. Let's say you don't come out with this because as many here said her lawyer will use it (they can't legally BTW but we all know that judges are human and could weight things in her favor). Now you get the divorce, you get get some concessions like custody and maybe half the house and stuff like that. It works in your favor for the most part but you know your wife isn't happy (with whatever). So now 3 years down the road you are at a bar...someone she knows sees you there..they call your wife and say "Hey i saw your Ex...." you don't think she isn't going to come after you THEN?

OK Think this way. You aren't breaking any laws. I believe Mo is a no fault state for divorce. You do what you NEED to do. If you are TS this would include coming out. Your other choice is to forever hold your peace. Your call on that but if this is REALLY important to your life you need to make it on your terms. You don't want her outing you on her story. She will twist it so you lose.

Just my opinion but all the Henny Penny sky is falling here will happen no matter what you do...do you want to be the one who owns it or do you want to be the one who gets smeared with it?

[zaphod_2001]

For the most part, I am already out. Everybody I know, or who is close to me knows. I just wish to shelter my children, but at the same time I don't want to hide it from them. My oldest already knows and like I said before, my youngest has caught me, but I was able to play it off as a dream (she woke up from a real heavy nap). So while I am not worried about what the rest of the world thinks, nor how my wife reacts,(because she has known about Jayme for years), she asked me to keep it from the girls. After reading a lot of your posts, I agree with a most of them and will refrain from completely coming forward to my girls. I don't run the risk of being seen by them out in town, and I am definitely not worried about being seen by anyone who will tell my wife. My wife already knows I am out, and she knows I go out.
My decision has been made and I will spare the kids from any future turmoil and torment, no more then they are already going through with the divorce and separation.
Thank you ladies for taking the time to read and comment. I really appreciate it.

Jayme

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It's all been said, but to add another voice- never ask a child to keep a secret. It puts pressure on them, even if they assure you it's ok, and they're rubbish at keeping secrets anyway.

My own feeling is that in an ideal world we would have no secrets from each other, and children should be raised with love and common sense regardless of whether daddy wears jeans or a skirt. Sadly we do not live in such a world.

Keep Jayme at bay as long as you can- your kids will still love you if you tell them, but it's impossible to calculate what harm it might do: none perhaps, but the stakes are too high to risk their happiness and well being over.

[daphne g]

hi there
i think i would wait until the girls are old enough to know who the can talk about this with
because if they do start telling friends at such a young age it could be their downfall and thats not fair no them
just to satisfy yourself,kids can be really nasty as we all know,just let them grow up and tell them later