My wonderfully loving SO

[Aimee20]

The past few months have been really difficult for me and my relationship. Where I am currently at in my transition is finally ready to come out to everyone and not just my mom and begin my authentic life outside of work with the HR talk to follow soon after. The difficulty with that is my SO is not ready for those steps. She is at the traditional male/female wedding, have a baby, wait till after her brother graduates phase. Any time transition is brought up there always seems to be another thing to wait for.

I feel extremely selfish putting myself first but more and more it feels like the best thing for her would be for me to end the relationship. What she wants is the typical American family and a house in the country where her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins would come visit regularly. And that isn't the life I can promise her. She comes from a very conservative (read intolerant) family and it is mostly assured that they would not approve of my transitioning.

This has been something my therapist has been leading me to understanding. That while we may care for each other a lot, that a continued relationship is not healthy for either of us.

The even more painful part of this step is to actually make it happen, even when a conversation organically moves to where it needs to, I'm stopping everything and going back to putting on a happy face...... This just sucks because I know she would be better off with someone else but can't make myself do it.

[Sandra]

The difficulty with that is my SO is not ready for those steps. She is at the traditional male/female wedding, have a baby, wait till after her brother graduates phase. Any time transition is brought up there always seems to be another thing to wait for.



This sounds to me as though she is hoping that putting obstacles "another thing to wait for" in your way will make you just give up and not bother. She really needs to be told that this is not going to go away and that it will happen.

[Thea Pauline]

I've had to come to realize that hurting myself to protect others only ends up hurting us both worse than would have been the case if I hadn't tried to 'protect'. The only way is through, there is no way around.

[Suzanne F]

Aimee
I feel your pain. That is where I thought I was headed initially. It is so hard to say the truth and then let the other person make their choice. At this time my wife says she wants to be with me no matter what. I will begin HRT in April. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is no perfect way to do this when it involves a spouse. I admire your courage to get to this point. I know that it is not easy. You are not alone.
Suzanne

[kimdl93]

Might it not be possible to reframe the discussion? Is it possible that you care enough for each other to begin a process, one that may indeed lead to transition, but allows your wonderfully loving SO the opportunity to adjust to a different, but potentially even more idyllic future than the one you presume she hopes for?

[Promethea]

I feel you, Aimee, I so feel you.
How long have you been together?
I've recently almost got in a relationship with someone and had the same thoughts. I ended up walking out of it. I realized it's better not to be in a relationship until I've gotten farther on my transition.
Some people say we should all be pansexual, but that just isn't the case. Visual cues are too strong on how we perceive people. And then there's the effect hormones have on behaviour. She's probably seeing you as a guy, and once she can really see you as a woman... It's not going to be easy... She may not have the same feelings for you any longer. Or she may be able to break her own limitations about love and sexual attraction, but most people can't.
I can't tell you to leave her, as hard as it may be it may not be a lost war, and I wish all the best for you, but if you're both serious about making it work you should see a therapist/counselor together. Not the one you already see on your own, that's your space and you need it as well.

Warm hug.

[I Am Paula]

It is for these same reasons, but even going back well before this marriage, that it took me so long to transition. I wanted everyone around me to have their idyllic life, at the expense of my own. It was the hardest thing I have done, to decide I finally had to put myself first. Prepared for the worst, I was lucky, we are still together. It could just as easily have led to our divorce. There is no guaranteed outcome, but IMHO, eventually you will have to be true to yourself.

[Rachel Smith]

What Paula said.

If you do in fact need to transition and you don't you will never be truly happy on the inside. I hid it for 50+ years. People thought I was happy but just a bit off. Truth be told I was NEVER truly happy like I am now. For me it led to divorce, though I don't fault her for that. She wanted a man which I no longer, actually never, was. If you are not married yet wait until you figure out what will make you genuinely happy. She can still be your significant other just not in a married sense. Everyone needs a best friend, us more than most.

[Chari]

Great advice from all previous posts Aimee, but IMO YOU must be the most important individual in your relationships - whether it be with your SO, family, relatives, or friends! A reason "why not'" will always appear to delay, detour, or prevent you from continuing to reach your goal of being Aimee! You are the one that is "changing", and you are the one starting major new adventures in your life! You must always feel comfortable and confident in who you are! Enjoy.

[charlenesomeone]

Aimee, all the best in this difficult time.

[MonicaJean]

I've had to come to realize that hurting myself to protect others only ends up hurting us both worse than would have been the case if I hadn't tried to 'protect'. The only way is through, there is no way around.

these words are very true, but also hard to swallow as going through it is the only way. I've tried to be the protector for years only to be the one who's really hurting on the inside. This ends up hurting us both

[Anne Elizabeth]

Yes i know the feeling all to well. You know the statement "Been there Done That" Well I say "Am there, Doing That and Trying hard to hold on to something I probably should not but I guess I am not quite ready to quit and not ready to end it all even though sometimes it seems as that is the only way out.

[Aimee20]

Thank you everyone, this helps me to not feel like a 4 year old stamping my feet and throwing a tantrum. We have been together for nearly 6 years so it's not like it's an easy thing to step away from.... We'll see what the near future brings I guess