The post reveal talk reality

[Melissa in SE Tn]

So, it has been almost two weeks since I had the reveal talk with my wife. I am posting this thread to educate all those contemplating the talk or on the verge of the talk. In a nutshell, my wife's reality has been turned upside down . She still cannot see me as a man , as her husband , as her lover & as a honest person. She is abhorred by the thought of seeing me en femme. Dressing as a woman is inconsistent to being a man . I could go on & on about her objections, but I think that Tinkerbell's many posts on this subject encapsulates my wife's reality & my corresponding hell.
Please be advised that I fully prepared for this talk. The many sages on this forum supplied excellent & supportive advise. I purposely delayed the talk for some time due to my wife's medical condition. I factored in all known variables & decided that the timing was right. Succinctly, I wanted my wife to know the truth , devoid of deception and any happenstance discovery.
I could talk ad infinitum about our post reveal reality, the devastation of our relationship & the uncertainty of our future relationship. We will be going to counseling & I am praying that professional help can hopefully start the renewal of our relationship. I love my wife, will do anything to ensure our future together, but realize that only she holds the key to the future of our marriage.

The talk has devastated my wife. She cannot touch me, look at me or talk to me with love or trust in her heart. I want you all to know that not every reveal talk goes well, that once the genie is out of the bottle that your three wishes can be three nightmares. One needs to think very long & hard before opening up the bottle. The only encouraging comment made by my wife was that she wished that I had kept my cding a secret... Not a very encouraging reply.

I want to thank all of my dear forum friends for their pre reveal advise & post reveal support. There are many good souls in this forum. My advise to those with understanding wives is to cherish your blessings. Never take for granted that you have an understanding spouse. Never whine or complain about her problems in dealing with your pink fog . If she understands your need to cd, then thank God for that blessing.

Be positive, think positive & be thankful for your blessings. Understand that what we do is weird, is inconsistent with nature & a reality that many women cannot accept. I don't know what is in store for our relationship. I will work hard to preserve it. I again pray that my wife can join me in that joint effort. Much peace to all , mel

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Mel, I feel terrible for you and hope you can mend the relationship. I do think you are being too hard on yourself when you condemn something you cannot control. When you say it is inconsistent with reality, I wonder if those are your words or your wife's. You didn't choose to be this way--none (or few) of us did. We cannot help these desires. Does she think you want to be this way, and think you can make it disappear?

I don't know your situation but give it some time. It may help give you both some perspective. I really wish you the best as you try to patch things up.

That said, if your wife or the belief system you share is completely rigid, then my heart goes out to you, because these thoughts and feelings will never go away, and I fear you will both be miserable. In the long run (years) you may look back and be grateful that you got this secret out. If your total honesty was met with rejection for now, perhaps she will begin to appreciate the fact that you were honest, and her view may soften. If it never does, and you are faced with the choice of suppressing this side of you forever, what about your happiness? Just the fact that it is now out in the open may lead to an eventual resolution, even if it is one you can't foresee.

I get that your wife didn't sign up for this, and women like men who look like men, and all that. My wife alternates between hating it and predicting I will dump her to run off and become a woman, date fellow CDs, etc., to enjoying our times together dressed, shopping, and my hairless legs, and the fact that she can borrow a pair of pantyhose. She literally runs hot and cold on the topic. I completely accept that, and relish the temporary acceptance or enthusiasm, knowing full well a rebuke will shortly follow. In our case, I go long stretches with zero CD activity just to show her I control it; it doesn't control me.

It may sound trite, but if you really love each other--and not just the ideal of each other--your marriage will survive. It may not survive if her expectation is your complete cold turkey, because you will slip up somehow, whether it's visiting this site, dressing in secret, whatever.

In the spectrum of "blessed" vs. "not blessed", I think I am definitely in the former camp, though believe me, there are things I want to do but won't, because like you I love my wife and want to keep our family together. I'm also not selfish. But I also know it wouldn't be healthy mentally to keep this bottled up like I did for the first 12 years of our marriage. I was prepared for the worst, but knowing it was so integral to my being, I had to get it out, and took the chance that she really loved me.

I'm truly sorry your disclosure did not go well. Don't give up on your marriage, but also don't give up on yourself. If she gives up on the marriage, well, then it may be a blessing in disguise.

Hope things get better,

Shibumi

[paulaprimo]

hi mel, i am soooooo sorry to hear that. you are such a great person and i aplaud you for being honest with her.
i suppose her reaction should have been expected. hopefully in time and with counseling she will come to
understand a little better and hopefully try to save the marriage...
it's such a terrible feeling being torn between 2 loves. it's a lose-lose proposition. you suffer by not dressing to
save the marriage, or you suffer by hurting your wife and putting the marriage in jeopardy. i suppose in a
perfect world the wife is always supportive and one can then enjoy their 2 loves... those that have an accepting
wife are truly lucky. they say honesty is the best policy, so i pray that your wife at least tries to understand and
and tries to save the marriage.
you are truly a wonderful person and deserve to be happy! i wish you the very best and you will be in my prayers.

[Mimi]

I'm so sorry to hear that the talk did not go well. Give her time and space to process the information. You've had years to think about it, she's had a very short time to digest a very large amount of information. Would she be interested in joining the forum, or even reading a few posts on the forum? When I first learned, what helped me was reading posts from husbands who talked about how much they loved their wives, and how much they wanted and appreciated even a little acceptance. If she needs a DADT relationship at this point, then that is at least your starting point.

[liz.thomas]

Sorry for the pain, I feel for you. Be strong.

Liz

[Rachael Leigh]

Melissa I know this is a difficult place for you right now because as you say what we do is just hard to understand
Most here don't understand why we are the way we are imagine if you just found out something about her you didn't know she was dealing with. Being married is about 2 people and it's work to keep good.
Hang in there
Leigh

[Jenniferathome]

Mel, her agreement to join you in counseling is a huge positive sign for your relationship. Stay positive. Best wishes,

[Amy Fakley]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Melissa. Will keep you in our prayers.

[Rachelakld]

Sorry to hear it went badly.
We all have the same choice in CDing, as my daughter has of being a red head. Sure both can be hidden, but either way she still deserves love and so do you

Best of luck

[MelanieAnne]

There is another thread recently, somewhere on this board, wherein a posters therapist said that crossdressing was within the normal range of behavior for males. Maybe you can find it and use it to your advantage. That statement really stuck in my mind.

[Kate T]

Melissa

I am sorry that this was a traumatic experience for both yourself and your wife. However I would echo the thoughts already expressed by others.... give your wife some time to digest it. Your wife has agreed to go to counselling? To be honest I think you are already halfway there to reestablishing a relationship of love and trust with your wife. You have expressed your intent to work hard for your relationship. I was always taught, do the very best that you can and if you do that then none will fault you. A freight train has just been driven through her headspace of reality. It will take time to rebuild.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry it didn't go well. I agree with Mimi, your wife needs time to process this. At this point, she only needs to understand one thing: you've had these desires for nearly all your life (I'm assuming it started at least in the teen years?) and it is not going away. You and she can eventually come to any arrangement, whether DADT or partial acceptance/tolerance. But in the end she does need to understand that it is a part of you, it needn't be all-consuming and it doesn't define all of who you are. Hopefully she will be able to compartmentalize this in the immediate future, with further hopes of some growth in her understanding as time passes.

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Mel.

First off condolences (is that the right word?). Secondly welcome to the "reality" club. For most of us the reality is: unaccepting wives.

I went out once and (nicely) asked a lady to take a photo of me in the location (a Casino/Entertainment complex). She was out with a group of other woman, obviously on a "ladies night". She ran for the hills. Afterwards I always thought to myself: "Do you know what your husband is getting up to at home?".

Your wife was "that lady" up to two weeks ago, until you came and shook her boat. Like a serious disease, for most woman this is something that happens to someone else. "My husband would never...". You (the wife) don't know.

You are in this for two weeks only now so, maybe in time if you work at it, it may get better. This is a huge shock for any woman and sometimes they find it a lot harder to get over the deceit than the actual fact that you are a crossdresser!

All I can say is repeat something someone else has said to me:

"...what you do after you came out may be more important..." (kimdl93)

I sincerely hope for your sake that it will.

(Nice reply Shibumi).

[Suzanne F]

Melissa
I am so sorry that you and your wife are having a difficult time. Please try to hang on. Your wife may surprise you later down the road. Maintaining a loving attitude during this rough spot will give you a chance later. I too think that her willingness to go to counseling is a good sign. You have always been so supportive of me and my family! Finally, don't be so hard on yourself. You are a loving person who deserves to be authentic.
Suzanne

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Hugs Mel, I know you told me this happened and I'm sorry it's still tough. Counselling is a good idea, as long as she doesn't feel bullied into acknowledging crossdressing is normal. To her, it's not and maybe never will be. But whether she wants it or not, it's her new normal now and that will be very upsetting given she's assumed all this time that she had a relationship just like everyone else, and women can be very good at comparing their 'normal' to others, despite not really knowing what happens behind closed doors. If your wife understood how many women are living with a crossdresser, she would feel more ordinary by the second!

Anyway, there is a chance she can lose some of the outright loathing to where she understands you need this, but that will take time and you showing her that you didn't choose this and it doesn't define you. Tell her about the young boy who started dressing all those years ago, as I know this helped me feel more compassion toward my H. You also need to prove to her that it doesn't control you because you're in control, you're happy to dress without her involvement, you love being her husband and man MORE than being Mel, and you'll not rock the boat and push boundaries while she's feeling this way. This all might mean that staying married to her means less crossdressing for you. I know many here will assume that one day she will temper her attitude and learn to like the crossdressing and you just need to wait for that moment, but I honestly haven't witnessed this anywhere but on this forum. Many times, the wives are borderline annoyed for the rest of the relationship, but if the husband controls his end, she can learn to control hers. Balance and harmony can then resume.

But reality is where it's going to start, Mel, and that means accepting your wife might never like your crossdressing just as you hope she will learn to accept that you need it. Sometimes, the best we can do is accept the worst in each other x

[trisha kobichenko]

I had the 'talk' almost three years ago. I didn't bring it up, but because I was hiding web activity related to cross-dressing my wife was convinced I was having an affair. After reviewing my options (I have been a cross-dresser since age 7, tried to quit/purge numerous times to no avail) I came to the conclusion that I needed to come clean about who I was, and always have been. I can't say it was easy, but a key component of our conversations was that when we fell in love, I was a crossdresser. When our children were born, I was a crossdresser. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday, I was a crossdresser. In all of the happy times we had together, I was a crossdresser. She just didn't know it. Difficult conversations followed, but fortunately for me, she saw that who we were together was bigger than me stepping outside of cultural expectations.
Hope this helps and best to you in your journey.
Trisha

[Kate Simmons]

This is a very tangled web indeed that we weave with this. The skill is to not entrap ourselves and our loved ones in it. It is difficult sometimes but not impossible to do. Feelings are the main thing we have to consider.:)

[Katey888]

Mel, I'm so sorry to hear of the initial impact... :hugs:

I sincerely hope and pray that this will improve over time and that the initial reaction is simply a shock reaction to something that still must be totally bizarre and unthinkable to most wives and SOs.

You are a good, honest, considerate and thoughtful person (and more, I'm sure.. :)) - I'm sure with enough time you wife will come to see that this is not dishonesty on your part, but genuine and caring responsibility in not wanting to share a misunderstood and stigmatised burden that you have had to suppress for so many years for - what was for you and your family - the right reasons. It may take time - lots of it, probably - but give it time and continue to be your 'normal' self... you can't do any more than that and that's no different to what you've been doing for years - and hopefully she'll come to see that too! :)

My thoughts and prayers for you both, Mel - Good luck!

Katey x

[kimdl93]

It's an unfortunate reality that not every woman can accept the disruption of the image of her partner as an entirely masculine person. And there most certainly is a strong likelihood of rejection. But I would caution that the risk exists whether you reveal yourself in a planned, thoughtful manner or are discovers by accident.

Good luck with the post reveal adjustment. Whether it works out or not, you took control of the situation and displayed character and integrity.

But to the point of weirdness and unnatural, I beg to differ. We are anything but unnatural. Every documented human culture includes and has included gender variants. And we are common in every population...not average but common. As for weird, I think dressing up like a hells angel on weekends is weird, and I think going pseudo medieval at Renaissance Festivals is kinda weird. Honestly, Ozzie and Harriet were really kinda weird. So, what?

[Melanie B]

Mel,
I'm so sorry to hear that things are not looking up for you, and am horrified by the thought that me boasting about my own good fortune when I "came out" to my SO might have helped push you into it.
I'm not a religious person, so it would be hypocritical to say "I'm praying for you" -- but you are very much in my thoughts, and I am desperately hoping that you and your wife can resolve the situation happily and before too long. You may perhaps find that books like "My Husband Betty" and " Something to Confess" will help her (but read them yourself first so that they don't raise any extra issues! MHB might be a two-edged sword)
Hugs
Mel

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't go well, I hope that you and your:love:wife can work through this.

It is like being a bomb technician, Some times you can de-fuse it
and sometimes it just blows up in your face.:hugs:

[MissTee]

Hey Mel, it was sad to read this. The silver threads to this dark cloud may be that it has been a very short time since the reveal, and she has agreed to counseling. My wife (who is supportive) has told me many times when I've shared stories such as yours that learning you've been deceived for years is much harder than dealing with a man in a dress. On top of that, knowing nothing about dressing, many draw a first conclusion that it is a perversion and indicates other things hard to understand. You and she have all that to work through and it will take time and understanding. Best wishes and hugs!

[mykell]

hi mel,
i hope in time she will accept, after my disclosure i went about doing my more male type tasks, such as splitting firewood and repairing some things around the house that i had not prioritized, re-grouting the tile in the washrooms, she was always upset they never came clean enough, a. it keeps your mind occupied and b. she sees you as manly doing those things and keeps her mind occupied.

this hit me when i revealed, as trisha stated

When our son was born, "I was a crossdresser. Every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday, I was a crossdresser. In all of the happy times we had together, I was a crossdresser. She just didn't know it." even when we first met....

if you remember my story i waited until after the holidays, but during the holidays photo albums of past vacations, wedding, birth of our son, past holidays, birthdays, were out in the living room, one night we looked through them, so maybe bring one to therapy or look through one at home, a picture is worth a thousand words......

i know that two weeks may seem like forever to you now but she is in a sprint while you were in a marathon, hopefully she will catch up.....


just as a side note, refer to yourself as transgender, if you do a web search of transvestite, crossdresser, or transgender you will see the results she may see....

[Eringirl]

Hi Mel: Sooo sorry you are having to endure this. I had a very similar experience. The difference being is that my SO doesn't want to go to my therapist on her own or with me. I am the one that "needs to be fixed" (her words). I have given up on the idea that "I will do whatever she wants to save the relationship". What she wants is for Erin to go away, forever. I know that will not happen. So, I have to choose which loss I can live with, Erin or my SO. This world is not big enough for these two women, one has got to go (in my SOs mind).

So, that being said, the fact that your wife has agreed to counselling is a big deal!! Good for you. As others have said, allowing time for her to process this may help.

Stay calm, take a deep breath. You are not evil, you are not sick. You are you, with all the wonderful attributes that Mel brings to the table. Patience...allow time to work its magic. You may be surprised?

Here's hoping !!

Be well.

Erin

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Mel-

So sorry that it did not go better. That sucks. But I do believe that you made the right choice in disclosing this side of you to her. I know that she said that she wishes you had just kept it a secret, but it is still better than if she happened to make the discovery on her own. It is good that you two will be going to counseling. The path to some sort of understanding lies in communication and education.

Good luck sweetie!

[samantha rogers]

Hey Mel,

First I am really sorry for what you are going through. I know. Been there. Went through an almost identical scenario last January. It was hell.
But here is the possibly good news.
My wife and I are still together. And we are still good friends. And honey I am transitioning. No, I cannot say everything is perfect. She no longer sees me as a man (neither do I, of course), and it is still possible she will throw in the towel and leave. I live with that.
But...
...nine months and counting....we are still together.
Every day I take as good news.
And...get this...your wife agreed to counseling!
Mine wont do that. Wont read a book. Wont talk to a therapist, or look at this forum.
Id say, comparing situations, you are in a hopeful place, and better off than I was those months ago, and yet my marriage, though undeniably shaky...lol...is still standing.
I wish you all the best.
Day by day, sister, day by day.
Hugs
Sammie

[I Am Paula]

In the come out/stay in question, there is absolutely no way to predict the outcome. You may think you know everything about your spouses tolerance, and thoughts on life, love, and gender, then this happens. It proves that in all the threads about the pros and cons of total honesty, there is no right answer. I'm sorry that yours came out this way, and I hope councelling, and time will heal your marriage.

[Isabella Ross]

Mel, I know every situation is different. Regardless, two points. I came out to my wife about seven years ago. My wife, similar to Trisha's, has found comfort knowing that I am still the same person she met almost 30 years ago, and the same person she married 24 years ago--she just didn't have the complete picture at those points. Second, it's all about time. Two weeks after my reveal, my wife was still processing, and probably remained processing for a couple of years, let alone weeks. The place that she finally arrived at is a great one...supportive and participating, as long as I keep the balance. I recognize every day that I'm one of the lucky ones. Best wishes as you both move forward.

[Sarasometimes]

Sorry to hear how difficult things have become after your reveal. Finding the right therapist for the two of you is critical. I think allowing her to choose has merit but they need really understand gender expression and gender Identity issues. I went to 5 or 6 therapists who claimed to know and they really didn't. he good new is she wishes to give that a try.
I think that by you sharing such a difficult experience with this forum that others here can learn from your misfortune and consider it when they look to cross the same bridge.

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.

[Di]

Very sorry but just remember you had yrs to get to this point of acceptance of yourself and she just now found out something she had no idea about.
Please try to get her to understand it is a part of you and it was always a part of you....just she now knows. Do not agree to things you can not do and be honest with her questions. I think her wanting to go to counseling is wonderful and please try to find someone that understands being tg.

I hope she might want to join Fab where she can talk freely and if there is anything I can do pm me.

I also think you telling her was for the best....it is for the most part far worse her finding out by accident.:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Mel, since you told me the reveal went badly I have been thinking of you daily and how difficult it must be for you as your deep love and concern for your wife has been obvious as we have communicated with each other about our CD’ing. It deeply saddens me that your wife has reacted so severely and I can only hope that with time she will begin to understand and gain some level of acceptance.

What you did in telling her was a true act of love in that you felt the need to be totally honest in your marriage and not keep such an important part of you from her. I know it took a lot of courage on your part and you deserve credit for doing the right thing despite what has now happened.

Many people seem to think that CD’ing is so odd but I tend to think it odd that so many people have such a difficult time accepting it for what it is. I think not accepting diversity in other people, especially in those that you love, is a result of some people’s difficulty in dealing with the real world around them as opposed to the artificial world they construct in their mind.

The best thing you can do now is to be strong and steady in your love for your wife and the belief in your marriage by giving her lots of time to accept. But at the same time be strong in caring for Mel and don’t deny that part of yourself that you know will never go away. It is a very good sign if she is willing to go to counselling.

Tears and Hugs,
Steph

[MsVal]

Dear Mel,

In your excellent preparation for the disclosure you read many accounts; mine may have been among them. They share some similarities.

I did not want to risk accidental disclosure, nor was I comfortable keeping secrets from my wife, and the anxiety was killing me. With the aid of many resources, including this fine forum, I felt prepared to help her understand my condition and my needs. I waited until her seasonal job was done, we had the house to ourselves, it was a nice sunny day, and everything seemed to be right. It was AWFUL. Our marriage of nearly 30 years was shaken to its core.

No amount of preparation would have been adequate. She needed (and still needs) time to process this information and become comfortable. If it were not for the underlying strength of our marriage, I doubt it would have survived. If I played any part in the understanding, it was through complete honesty (even when it made me look VERY bad), being the best husband I could be, and keeping the discussion open.

My wife has become remarkably understanding since that time. Yours may too.

Perhaps like yours, my wife had, and still has health issues. I have always been attentive to her desires and needs. This may play a part in her being sensitive to mine.

The first couple of months were VERY tense. The next couple of months, strangely, brought us closer together. Our relationship has continued to grow, and we are closer than before. Four months after the disclosure, she was helping me select clothes. Six months after the disclosure we could go through our normal morning activities (breakfast, talking, playing a board game) any day of the week, while I was dressed. It has been seven months now, and dressing is a non-issue. We can now talk about it calmly, and she even suggests times, places, and things I can do dressed. This does not mean that I flaunt it, my clothes are in our shared closet, but I am in drab nearly all the time. I respect her request to keep this between us and not disclose to family, friends, or neighbors.

Will my wife one day change her mind? Perhaps - perhaps not - I'll deal with it if it happens.


This is a really big deal for your marriage. It is hard to say what the future will bring, but two things that it won't bring are an accidental disclosure and secrecy.

I am very saddened to read of your plight but hold out hope that, given time and love, it will greatly improve.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Annaliese]

She did not ask for this, but neither did you, you are just trying to be your self, find a therapist that has understanding that this not a chose. That the problem with so may people is they think this is a chose and it is not, my wife thinks this way, and will not accept any thing else. I am great full she is tolerant but it will never get past that.

[Teresa]

Melissa,
You have given many words of encouragement with our situations now you face your own difficult challenges !
I know you have always said that you couldn't come out to your wife while she was ill and were waiting for the right time , sadly there wasn't a right time and now she's taken it badly !
She may not be the sole owner of the key you are still the same person, a caring loving husband, she hasn't lost that !
You're blaming yourself too much for something inside you can do nothing about, it's a part of you !
I hope you can resolve the situation with counselling and your marriage can get back on track but obviously not where it once was !

[Lorileah]

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.
Even half good information is better than the wrong or none. She needs support, and what is better support than the women who are here as part of the GG forum? I am strange that way, when I need information I like to go where the experts or the people who are involved go. When you come out, you should suggest places where the other person can get support or information. I would recommend here over at least two other forums she is going to find surfing buy herself

[Jenniferathome]

.....

The idea of suggesting this forum to your wife I feel, is a very poor suggestion at best. I don't see how anything good could come of it at this time.

I completely disagree. Several women who have joined recently came here dazed and disheartened only to come to an understanding they can live with in their relationship. While Mel's wife may not be ready for this forum yet, she can find answers here from women in her exact circumstance.

[samantha rogers]

Agreed on this point. There are forums out there just filled with bile, hatred and bitterness toward TG.

[MatildaJ.]

Just another voice for giving each other time. You're stressed by her reaction; she's stressed by this new information about you. Just try to get back to living together with your normal patterns for a few weeks. If I were you, I would follow her lead, for a few weeks. Therapy for each of you and both of you does sound like a good idea, if you can manage it.

But I think the fact that you volunteered this information should be helpful in the long run, whether in reestablishing her confidence that she can trust you to tell her the truth, or in shoring up your own self-confidence that you are a good person and if this relationship ends, you will find other people who will appreciate you.

Also, I am personally very grateful for this forum and the GG subgroup. In the 15 months since I learned about my husband's crossdressing and joined the forum, it has been a life-saver and a marriage-saver for me.

[Beverley Sims]

Nowthat your wife knows and the relationship is soured a bit, you need to go slowly, very slowly so as she can see that you are not different, dirty or unacceptable to her.
Try not to get into arguments and keep the dressing side away from her as much as possible.
There will be a time that she becomes curious, reads up on it and finds out facts for herself.
Thenyou know that things are starting to heal.
It is hard abstaining from dressing, but you do want the marriage to work.
I wish you well with your torment.

[MelanieAnne]

The biggest problem for us, is that so little is known about crossdressing by the average person. And most people think crossdressers are gay, despite numerous studies showing they aren't. And when you come out to someone, the first thing they think, is that you are gay. And anyone thinking about coming out, needs to keep that in mind.

[Marcelle]

Hi Melissa,

Firstly I am so sorry about how the "reveal" went. It is unfortunate that we can never truly know how it will go with any more accuracy than the flip of a coin. The reveal will only lead to two possible outcomes (1) acceptance on some level; or (2) dissolution of the relationship.

While it may seem very dark right now, the one slight glimpse of light is that she has not left and is willing to examine counselling as a way ahead. As others have said, this is a lot to digest and it has most likely shaken the core of her understanding of your relationship/marriage. There is a lot of disinformation out there about being TG (e.g., we all want to transition, we are gay) and this could be feeding into her angst. She needs time to absorb, process and integrate and hopefully counselling will provide that venue. As others have said, ensure the counsellor is knowledgeable about gender identity and relationships. Be honest in your counselling and build trust. As things begin to unfold continue to show your wife you are the same man she married. Will she ever completely accept? I really don't have that answer and I don't think anyone but your wife can answer that particular question. Go slow, go to counselling and just build up from where you are now.

I wish you all the best during this trying time.

Hugs (and an extra one)

Isha

[Michelle (Oz)]

Mel, the outcome of your talk is almost exactly the same as mine some 2 1/2 years ago, right down to my wife calling crossdressing 'abhorrent'. Reine's advice at #12 is good. At the time, I made no promises to stop dressing but reassured her of my love. She threatened suicide on the basis that she couldn't live with me and couldn't live without me. She stayed in bed crying for 2 days.

I want to share my story to give you hope.

Over the next 9 months there were several repeat incidents where she, for example, discovered me cleaning large female shoes. Each time put her into decline again but each occasion was less dramatic. I realised that what I thought to be conditional love on her part, was indeed unconditional - just her dealing with something that to her was abhorrent.

We now have a very workable DADT arrangement and I'm out dressed some 4 days a week. She knows where my clothes are but keeps out of the bedroom. We enjoy talking about fashion (love how the weather girls dress). She values my advice when she is clothes shopping. I don't have the emotional roller coaster that comes with a wife who is involved in the dressing.

I suspect that her fears haven't eventuated and she is more relaxed. I don't dress at home at all. She has her husband and I have space to dress. Our relationship is very strong but I still can't help but wonder if it could have really stayed wrong.

Mel, it has taken time and considerable effort by both of us to heal. My wife is a special woman.

[Rebekah_uk]

Hi Mel

I am so sorry to hear that your talk with your wife didn't go well

As somebody who recently had the same talk with my wife, all i can say is listen to the sound advise given by the ladies here. The advice i received has helped my wife and i get to where we are today. Don't put a time scale on anything especially given her reaction, take time to show her that you are still the man she married.

Hope everything goes well
Rebekah_uk

[TinaZ]

Hi Mel:

Hang in there!

Some of the advice here has been fantastic. I tried reassuring my wife by underscoring how this has always been part of me. I told her I was a crossdresser long before we met. I told her if we had never met, I'd still be a crossdresser. If I had married someone else, I'd still be a crossdresser. If I had become a priest, I'd be a crossdressing priest. If I were stranded on a tropical island alone, the first thing I'd do is fashion a skirt from palm fronds. For most of us, this is as ingrained as being left or right handed.

There's the verb of cross dressing. And there's the noun of being a crossdresser. It's not something I do; it's something I am.

My wife's a smart cookie and this helped her. My mission now is to assure her she's the real beauty in this relationship. I can paint it on, but from her, it glows at all times.

Good luck!

[Samantha_Smile]

I'm honestly truly sorry that it isn't going well for you. For you both.
I think all SO/Wives have this reaction to some extent. Some have it as a phase, a passing state of mind. For others this is the last stop on the road to 'dealing with it', this becomes her opinion based on feelings.
It may sound pretty arrogant on me to say this but, an opinion based on 'feelings', and because this change is within the context of a relationship it's hard to escape feelings.
However, I think feelings can only ever be half the full picture in an opinion, you must also have information to make a choice or action.
I know it's hard, but you need to keep the lines of communication open. It's all very well saying that your wife holds the key, but you made that choice to tell her, and you did it for the right reasons, but just a bit late in the game perhaps.
So she needs to respect where you're coming from too. You can't allow either of you to dominate what happens next and what direction you move in.
You need to keep talking.

It's worth noting the above. But I think it's also worth noting that your title suggests that your reality is the reality. When it's really just one reality.
I know this because I am living one of them. There are many realities of your wife/SO being 'in on it', this isn't the end.
There are many skews and tangents that this can take.

The reason I rarely post anything about dressing and it's acceptance in the context of the relationship with my Mrs, is that it changes, and her acceptance will change with your relationship.
You will be allowed more/less freedom to dress, her ability to talk about it will increase/decrease, your guilt will rise/fall. And all this can wax and wain as frequently as a couple of months in my experience.

You're on truthful turf now, despite how long it's been left, It was difficult to do, but ultimately it was the right thing to do, and that has to earn a little respect.

I wish you both luck.

[JamieG]

We all feel for you, Melissa. And there's been lots of great advice here. Your story reminds me of my own. Over ten years ago I came out to my wife, and the following month was the darkest period in our marriage. I was not sure it would survive. There was plenty of screaming and crying from both us. Somehow, we managed to start talking, and then we were sharing the same bed, and eventually entered into a DADT relationship. I truly believe that surviving that has made us stronger as couple and brought us closer together. Obviously, I can't guarantee the same for you, but I certainly hope it will happen too. Keep talking and try to resume some of the "normalcy" of your pre-reveal lives.

[Tina_gm]

Wow, this thread shows exactly why this is such a great place for people who are in this situation we are in. Wonderful heartfelt advice from so many. And many similar stories as well. I would add mine as well, not all that different. Michelle @42, I am at a similar place and got there in somewhat of the same manner as you. It wasn't as difficult in the very beginning perhaps, but it had some rough moments.

One thing I want to add, and my wife has reminded me of this, and I have read this several times from GG's on this board. It isn't all about the dressing/femininity that is causing your wife difficulty. Some of it, perhaps a lot of it is about broken trust. There is several levels of issues your wife is dealing with, dressing/femininity only being some of it. (not that it is easy by any means)

You didn't tell her everything about you, hiding something very major that she feels entitled to know in order to make a decision about making you her life partner, and marrying. Maybe yes, maybe no on whether she would or not, but it was a major factor she was not able to work through. She now feels that she is married to someone she does not know. (my wife really felt this a lot just after the talk) My wife was also concerned that there could be perhaps much more I was not disclosing about myself, not necessarily CDing wise, and even of what I told her, she was weary of how truthful I was.

Then there is simply the basic idea of change, brought on her without any feeling of control on her part. Add in all of the elements of society not being overly accepting of this..... But, I can also say that after almost two years, my marriage has survived, and just last night, my wife told me she loved me and wants to stay together forever. I of course reciprocated the same. It was merely her and I reaffirming to each other our love and commitment, and not brought out by any specific argument or issue that moment.

I have a Do not show arrangement. CDing and my gender issues are talked about, sometimes even joked about from time to time. I also have to remember that it took me nearly 30 years for me to accept myself, I should not expect my wife or anyone else to do so in less time. With exception to actual participation, my wife has come a long long way in her acceptance of me. This is coming from a woman who was raised on a dairy farm in a ultra conservative religious background, with her ex husband or any prior BF not being in any way remotely feminine. I can say considering all of the complexities of my situation I am very lucky. It has taken the two years more or less to get to where she and I are today. Overall slow and steady progress in her acceptance and comfort level of me overall, and yes, a lot of ups and downs along the way, on both our parts.
I wish you the best.

[Tiffany B.]

Hi Mel,

I was (partially) discovered this morning by accident... I lied through my teeth and disregarded the enquiry by a family member. However I soooooo wanted to have that "reveal" talk with them and be able to take one more step out of the closet. Except I was too riddled with guilt and couldnt bring myself to it. All day long I've ping ponged inside my head how the talk would go... half of me said it would be met with acceptance.. the other half said it would come as a shock, surprise and down right losing all respect in me.

I came on here just now to share my concerns and problem, but after reading your thread, it put it all into perspective for me.

As much as I feel badly for you, I have to thank you for sharing your experience and letting us all know what we can lose if the other person doesnt accept it like we do. I have nothing but the absolute best wishes for you and yours.. and also wanted to let you know that you're not alone..

Thank you !

[Stephanie Morgan]

Melissa
My heart goes out to both you and your wife. I hope everything works out for you as you would like and I wish you all the best.

hugs
Stephanie

[Madilyn A.]

Hello Mel,

I am so sorry the "talk" didn't work out. Sometimes one has to take a step back to move forward. This often is the case in relationships unfortunately. Your wife needs time to sort things out. Hopefully she will come to realize that Mel is you as much as the man she married. Without Mel, your personality would have been different and you would not be the same person who attracted her in the first place. I do hope this works out for you. Something tells me it will.....Madilyn

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The only lesson we can really learn is to be honest about our CDing before becoming a couple. Anything else is courting future disaster.

But that's no help to a man who, decades into a marriage, discovers that what he thought was a minor quirk or fetish turns out to be an overwhelming compulsion.

Melissa, however hard this is for both of you, I don't think you should regret your decision. She was going to find out sooner or later, and the longer you bottled yourself up, the more destructive the trapped feelings would have become.

You did the right thing.

Sincere good wishes for a happy outcome dear girl,

Nikki


If I were stranded on a tropical island alone, the first thing I'd do is fashion a skirt from palm fronds.

I love it! In fact the first thing I'd do would be to build a shelter to keep my new grass skirts dry.

I love too what you say about your wife in your final paragraph- I feel much the same about my own wife.

Nikki

[Rosaliy Lynne]

The only encouraging comment made by my wife was that she wished that I had kept my cding a secret... Not a very encouraging reply.



Mel, I am truly sorry for this in your life. The only real problem with keeping it a secret would have been that she would have found out eventually and the damage would have been far worse especially to the trust your marriage needs to survive.

Remember that this was ALWAYS a part of you, and always will be, and that nothing has really changed about the person she fell in love with and married except that NOW she knows part of who you are that she did not know before.

I hope you can build on that and wish you all the best.

[ArleneRaquel]

Melissa,
My thoughts & prayers are with you during these stressful times.

[Claire Cook]

Mel,

Your story has elicited so many remarkable responses. I'm especially touched by those that show some sign on healing with time, and we can only hope that counseling will offer you both some resolution that will keep you together. I just wish there was some way we could try to understand better the emotions and reactions of our wives and girl friends who cannot deal with our dressing. As one who has been so fortunate to have a supporting spouse for 45 years, it is so difficult for me to understand why dressing can transcend all other aspects of a relationship.

You know that we are all with you, however things develop.

Warmest hugs,

Claire

[Tinkerbell-GG]

it is so difficult for me to understand why dressing can transcend all other aspects of a relationship.


Claire, it's actually really difficult to explain why, to be honest. I've done my best here over the months, given I stem from the less accepting spouse side of things, but it is incredibly difficult for some of us to get past the big reveal and I am still perplexed to this day as to why I'm so different from the wives who accepted from day one. Believe me, I question as much as y'all do as to what's wrong with me that it has caused me so much conflict.

Anyway, I stumbled upon this little article not so long ago and while some of the examples are a little cliche (the cyclist thing, for example, and men always expecting sex) it's actually explains better than I've managed as to how we think and feel and why it's so hard.

http://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2013/11/10/how-your-crossdressing-changes-your-wifes-opinion-of-you/

[Claire Cook]

Tinkerbell,

Thank you so much for your response -- and for the link, which I need time to digest. Certainly there is nothing "wrong" with you or other women who face this hurdle. Maybe it's part of our cultural upbringing and conditioning, and perhaps we can't help that. Posts like yours and other GG's are really important to help us try to understand the most difficult problem that we face. Perhaps sharing your experiences and reactions with other women helps you sort this out? I hope so.

As far as being perplexed by accepting spouses, I can only speak for Sue -- who is a special person, the most special in my life. Early on in our relationship she sensed my sensitivity and the fact that I am not completely an "alpha male". I think that was a big part of why she was attracted to me, and has been a big part of our marriage ever since. I told her that I was a CD during the first year of our marriage, and while not thrilled with the idea, she accepted it. I didn't push it, and dressed only occasionally for the first 25 years or so. Now she still has her man, but we enjoy our times together when "the girls" are out. Maybe part of that is that she really has few girl friends, and maybe I fill that role a little bit.

[No, I can't explain it either. :confused:]

Thanks again for all of your posts!!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Claire, I actually just wrote something similiar to Melissa - control the crossdressing and not the other way around, don't let it dominate life or change how you behave, but most of all, be the MAN she fell in love with, and even wives like me can learn to live with this.

It's the pushing and acceptance seeking etc that drives a wedge. My H learned this the hard way but he did learn. Now I have my husband back and he can indulge occasionally without me. It works for us. He's not really alpha either, to be honest. But then, I like sensitive men. I just wish he could be sensitive and not need to wear dresses, too, but oh well, lol.

Thanks for listening, Claire. I enjoy your posts, too. :)

[suchacutie]

After reading through the thread I realized that the understandings my wife and I have might be food for thought as the counseling proceeds.

Tina is not my wife's husband. Tina is her girlfriend. On the occasion when my wife wants her husband, in preference to her girlfriend, she gets her husband. With Tina as a third person, we can talk about the situation and her (Tina) in a detached manner when that is useful. We also have agreements about who will/won't know about Tina.

I'm so very sorry for the conflict you are both going through. I very much hope that you spouse can begin to see that the advantages of your femme self greatly outweigh her current fears.

[NicoleScott]

I read the Tink Link (sorry).
Besides the "male image" thing, which I get, what stuck with me was the cycling. Cycling to stay in shape? Yes. But shaving the legs does nothing for staying in shape. It may allow you to go faster, marginally, but important for competitive cyclists. Is cycling an excuse for [non-competitive cyclists] crossdressers to shave their legs? Probably.

[Lynn Marie]

Mel, your post is absolutely the most "sage" advice I've ever seen on this forum or anywhere else on the perils of the big reveal. Thank you for your courage and heart. Of course I'm sorry it didn't work out better for you. I wish you well sister.

[Rhian]

It's more for the massage afterwards that cyclists shave Nicole so I imagine it is just an excuse for those who don't cycle at an high level.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I need to post an update because of all the incredible support & advise that ya'll have given to me. Initially, my heart & spirit have been so touched by the outpouring of support. Ya'll have no idea how much that has meant to me!!!! Walking on egg shells while trying to resume a normal life has been at best, difficult. Your support means so much...

We have been to two counseling sessions & while I have been educated to therapy, my wife still maintains that my cding is a behavioral problem that can be remedied with disassociation. Candidly, I am not optimistic that anything will change her perception; she still sees me as someone she doesn't know. Trust , intimacy & gender orientation continue to plague her mind & heart. I really question if time & showing her that I am still her man will have any impact. The divorce word is mentioned more often than compromise. I will remain strong, but I sense that I will make the ultimate decision; cding vs. Family. Family wins by a long shot . My happiness will have to be repressed.
I want everyone to know that not all reveals lead to DADT, understanding , acceptance or participation. The post reveal consequences can lead to divorce. Please keep that thought & the consequences thereof in your game plan when you prepare for the talk. I do not regret having the talk since it had to happen. I just did not factor in that my situation just might be one of those stats that could result in divorce.
Again , thanks for your kindness & support. I want to send all of you a personal pm of thanks. Much peace, mel

[Kandi Robbins]

The shame of it you're damned if you do (tell), damned if you don't (wracked by the guilt of keeping the secret). Life certainly is not fair.

[Tiffany B.]

Thank you for the update and I really do wish you the best and I'm sure it'll work out soon...

About the time you had your talk with your SO.. I almost got busted by my oldest son finding a fingernail in my bathroom... Luckily I had a some what stupid dumb excuse that.... the correct words here would be... that stopped the conversation about it..

Afterwards.. I came to the fact I could sit down and have a talk with him... or remain in the closet and not run the risk of losing his respect.. I chose the latter and it helped curb the "pink fog" I was in at the time...

As I said before.. I wish you the best and am waiting for your next update... (fingers crossed)

[Katey888]

Good to hear from you again Mel - but wish that things could be progressing more positively for you... :hugs: :hugs:

Just keep pegging away with the counselling and keep being you! This is still early days yet - I hear what you say about knowing someone and how deep-rooted their beliefs may be but she must still be trying to work this out and absorb everything...?

Be strong - be calm - and most importantly, keep being yourself and demonstrating that 'you' haven't really changed - just her knowledge of the full persona that you are!

Hang in there - play for the long game which has time to run yet... :D

Katey x

[Stephanie Sometimes]

Hi Mel. Sorry things are not getting any better but hang in there and please take things slowly. Katey has some great advice here when she points out that not much time has passed yet. So don’t make any quick decisions and don’t let others rush you to do so.

I think you are being too hard on yourself (and others here as well) when you say: “Understand that what we do is weird, is inconsistent with nature…”. Maybe society can attempt to define to some people what is “weird” but that assessment is different in different places and changes dramatically and sometimes quickly with time. But to think of it as un-natural is just not realistic and is not a healthy way to think about something that seems so right and so fundamentally necessary to us to express our true selves. I do certainly agree that it seems to be “a reality that many women cannot accept” but maybe some of those women can change with time based on the stories from GG’s on this forum. From what you say that may not be likely with your wife but it can take time to get over traumatic events in life and maybe things will get better for her with time.

Thank you for sharing you experience here as I know it must be very tough for you to do so. It has certainly helped me to further respect the risks involved as I chart my life’s course towards being open about being TG and for that I thank you from a very personal point of view.

Hugs,
Steph

[ReineD]

Mel, you told your wife in October, I believe. You are both in your 50s? It doesn't take weeks or months to get through this for many wives, it takes years. How long did it take you to accept that you are a CDer, from your first thoughts about wanting to wear women's clothing? Ten years? Forty?

Your wife will need a few years under her belt to realize that nothing has changed (provided of course that you do nothing to change things), before she can begin to trust that nothing will change. Hopefully, eventually she will see it as something that is relatively harmless, even if she is not involved and even if she doesn't like it. The sting of it all will lessen. Just try to keep the lines of communication open.

[Tina_gm]

I can't offer up much more than what others on here have. The only things I can add is perhaps offer up a dadt lifestyle for now. That she doesn't have to be any part of this part of you. It's been two years now since my reveal. I had been married for 6 months. My wife still struggles with it at times. And she has confided in me that the 1st few months were harder for her than she was showing. She had many doubts of our marriage continuing, and still has moments of doubt. I still have never dressed in her presence, and it is a good bet that may never happen.

We don't have many discussions about it now. It is more casual references for either of us. So, not a true dadt, but not something she has much to do with. Good luck. She may be talking about leaving, but hasn't yet. There is still hope.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Mel, Reine is right. Because of the hurt she feels and the trust she's lost, this could take years to settle and even then, you may only ever gain vague disinterest about crossdressing from your wife. But this at least keeps your family intact and you with some private time to dress. But change anything on her and I suspect you might lose her for good as she's feeling like you're a stranger and she needs that safe familiarity to help her through.

I also thought I'd add that you might be right - the male image might be too broken to fix. But that's okay, too. My H lamented some time back that I didn't see him as the people at his work did. While he's definitely one of the more gentle, sensitive types, he's also a fairly formidable leader when he wants to be and considers himself a bit of an Alpha at work. But I never see him this way and haven't since he revealed his full dressing. For me, it's just too much to ask me to suspend reality and forget the feminine imagery when he wants to be seen as masculine. I can't compartmentalize things this way. He accepts this now and while he doesn't love it, it just is. Yet another cog in this strange wheel:)

Your wife and you both need time to mourn the loss of the old relationship. You need to accept that she might always see you a little differently now, and she needs to accept that you've always been a crossdresser and that's who she ultimately married. Your marriage will change slightly, but with time and patience, she may be able to put it aside and leave it as one of those 'quirky' things you do when she's not around. If you're okay with such a scenario, then I think you've got a good chance as she hasn't left yet! x

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Wonderful replies. Always indebted to Tink & Reine for their expert advise.


If I may, please allow me the time to reiterize my intent for this thread . There have been great threads posted on preparing for & dealing with the reveal talk. I did my due diligence in reading , preparing & memorizing the playbook. For many of us that prepare for the talk, we are lulled into the afterlife realities of either a DADT relationship, an understanding relationship , an accepting relationship & a participating relationship. There seemed to be a understanding that once the talk happened, that the cd post reveal talk would result in one of those four stages. What I failed to understand is that there is a fifth stage... a horrible stage; that being , that the spouse is so disgusted & devastated by the talks that the cd is left with this option: if you dress, we will get divorced. That phase leaves no room to dress because the line has been drawn in the sand. Therein lies my reason for this thread; be totally prepared & do not be lulled into a false sense of security. The talk & the consequences thereof are huge: your marriage, your relationship with your children, your job & everything you hold sacred can be destroyed if one is not fully prepared to accept all of the potential realities.

To those with a DADT relationship, you may bitch about the lifestyle, but you still have a relationship with your family. Those with understanding , accepting & participating spouses are so blessed. Time may help my reality & I am working for a happy ending. I can only pray that my spouse is reading from the same playbook. Thanks so much for everyone's support as it means so much. For all of those on the verge of having the talk... Be prepared & then be prepared again as your future may be at stake. Peace, mel

[Amanda22]

Melissa, I've searched for an update from you and found it here. I'm sorry how things have turned out. I think this was all set in motion the day you and your wife got serious about each other. You are both stuck with your needs and dislikes. This may have been bound to happen. You mention crossdressing versus family, and repressing your happiness. Is this just crossdressing and how much of your total happiness does crossdressing represent? Can you turn off crossdressing? Is it a desire or a need? Is it a part of you so deeply that without it you are a different person, a person to whom your wife would not be familiar?

I'm asking these difficult questions because I'm a transwoman. My wife now understands who I really am. I cannot be someone else. It has taken her over four years to really appreciate my trans-ness and that this isn't a crossdressing fetish/hobby/stress relief technique. I think of myself as female; always have and always will. My wife knows that and I realize it has been a huge hurdle for her. I cannot un-say the honest things I've said, and I wouldn't want to. For the first time, I'm living honestly. I'm going to live honestly even if it means my wife would no longer want to be married to me. It's very hard to say that, but is life worth living if you're pretending to be someone you're not? Really think about the cost of that. I know you have, but I encourage you to see yourself as you and not you+your wife. What would you do now for yourself if you never met your wife? If you don't take care of yourself first, what kind of partner are you? I'm really bothered by your repression of happiness.

Another really difficult question: is it possible that your desperation to appease her at apparently any cost is adding to her feeling of victimization and feeding her sense that this is all about her? I think it's about each of you, not both of you. Have you expressed your needs calmly yet firmly in therapy? At this point, I think you need to demand and expect respect. I know she needs time; anyone knows that, but goddamn it, it's not like you're strangers. You've committed no crime. Being yourself is no crime. You've been very appealingly honest and direct. I know you're hurting and you know I love you. I want to see you emerge stronger and more real; not weak, beaten down, and fake. Fight for yourself because each of us only really has ourselves. We cannot control others and nothing good can come from trying to be anyone's puppet.

- Andi