Wife does not like it

[Dianeh]

I am at a loss as what to do. My wife discovered shoes and a satin dress about 16 years ago. After a few years I stupidly threw them out hoping it would make her happy. It did not. We have been married for about 27 years and she has even given me some nylon nightgowns to wear and she is ok with that but gets very upset when I say that I am going to buy more satin dresses, shoes and such. Says she doesn't want to go there.

I am puzzled that she is fine with me setting here and sleeping in Nightgowns but gets very upset when I say I am going to buy more clothes for myself.
She has said wear dresses when she is not around but not when she is home. Should I push the issue or continue longing for the beautiful clothes? I am now 65 and too old to change my ways. The biggest mistake I made was when we were first dating she saw my clothes and asked if they were mine and I said no, and threw them away. Huge mistake.:Pullhair:

[Beverley Sims]

I think all you can do is play the game to her limitations, pushing it ever so slowly is about all you can hope for.
I can have trouble sometimes by putting on a wig, Everything is okay.

[Steph_CD_62]

Sounds like to me that your wife is afraid of you being outed while out in public. You can wear nightgowns around your house, but you can't out in public.

When I first came out to my wife (2nd or 3rd Date), all I was into wearing was panties and nightgowns with that rare occasion of wearing a padded A-cup bra. She was fine with it, even if she didn't understand why I enjoyed it so much. A few years later I had a whim and felt like wearing a dress, and had tried one of her's on. I was hooked! She didn't know I had done it, but one day while we were shopping I asked her about me wearing a dress and she gave me the "look". I didn't ask again. However about 6 months later we were shopping again and she asked me if I still wanted a dress, and I said yes. She was fine with it as long as I didn't leave the house. At one time she didn't want me to have breast forms, but now I have two pair and as long I just don't walk up to her and give her a hug while they are in she is fine with them.

To sum everything up, she is fine with my dressing as long as I don't leave the house and I stay away from windows that the neighbors might be able to see me.

In my opinion if she is fine with you dressing in a nightgown, don't push her for you to do more. I found out early in our relationship, there is compromise (usually by me), but after awhile she is willing to accept more of my dressing.

[RADER]

Dianeh:
First thing is welcome to the forum, glad you found us. I hope you find the answer
to your problem. Since your wife lets you wear nylon nightgowns to bed is a start;
but there are nightgowns for men like that, so doesn't see any "Cross Dressing".
Try to talk to her, and tell her it is just a desire to wear a dress once in a while.
Some times a good exchange of ideas helps to find what she does not like.
Try to see her side of the problem, she does not want to lose her "MAN"
Rader

[Kate T]

Some SO's don't mind their partner dressing in silky nightgowns etc. at home but baulk at "normal" day to day womens clothes, others are fine with the day to day stuff but do not like the lingerie / nightgown thing. There is a huge variety. The is also no obvious answer as to why some SO's feel one way and others a different way any more than there is an answer as to why we do / feel what we do.

IF you wish to dress further with other clothes dresses etc. then you need to do two things:

1. Work out WHY YOU need / want to do it. Is it a sexual thing, do you wish to present as female or do you want to wear dresses as a guy (there are a few on this forum that are quite comfortable with that)?
2. You then need to TALK to your wife and express your feelings. Also ask for her to try and express her feelings about it as well. She may be worried what the neighbours will think, she might be worried about your job, she might be worried that people will hurt either your feelings or physically hurt you.

It's all about self understanding and communication. And Truth.

[Janine cd]

My wife wouldn't think of allowing me to wear a nightgown. Consider yourself fortunate that she allows that much. Some of us struggle with the ability to dress occasionally without the usual signs of contempt.

[chelyann]

enjoy what you have and dont push your luck ,
she has set a boundary and said you can dress when she is not around, i dont see her budging on the subject. ENJOY

[sometimes_miss]

After all the horror stories, including mine, I'm always amazed at those of you who insist in pushing the issue. You've got a woman who knows you crossdress and hasn't sued you for divorce or outed you to the world. You're one of the luckiest guys on the planet, and you don't even know it. If push comes to shove, and she decides she doesn't want to put up with you crossdressing, there's not a judge or jury on the planet who will be on your side. Don't let the pink fog cloud your judgement. Because if you don't want her, there are about 2 million of us who would kiss the ground she walks on to take your place.

Wake up. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life alone. There is no line of women waiting out there looking for guys who crossdress. Anywhere.

[DonnaT]

more satin dresses, shoes and such

You'd have to ask her, but maybe she thinks you don't need MORE?

[Sandra]

You push the issue and you'll probably end up not being able to wear night wear. You are lucky a lot of the ladies on here can't wear anything around their SO.

[Lynn Marie]

You're now 65 years old. You're in a classic "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship. Is this the way you want to die? Welcome to the forum.

[Teresa]

Dianeh,
I'm a couple of years younger and my wife now accepts me wearing nighties but under PJs !
She knows I have things and where they are and has caught me a couple of times dressed . She doesn't know about my own underwear, or the boots and shoes, but I have admitted that most of the clothes are hers as throw outs . She's OK with that at the moment !

I do feel that our age we should be able to be more open about our dressing we aren't going to do much harm now . I've earned the right now and can't keep hiding behind closed doors, mentally it's too tiring ! Our partners have to realise the unnecessary unhappiness it causes and try to understand we don't wish to harm anyone !
Maybe if you tone down you dress requirements she might come round to everyday wear !

[charlenesomeone]

Dianeh, that seems to be a theme here. My wife is not ok "with any of it". But tolerates underdressing.
Yours is at least accepting of some, but the best advice I have gotten and give is go sloooooow.
Progress is progress enjoy the ride. And Smile.

[Marcelle]

Hi Dianeh,

This is a classic DADT relationship. Your wife is fine with the nightgowns and dresses (when she is not home) and I truly believe that is the stance she is going to remain at. Now there are two options and both come with prices . . . however only you can choose which is best for you.

1. Do nothing and continue in your current situation. This seems logical if dressing in nightgowns and the occasional dress is something you can live with. However, if you know you need more (want to use make-up, breast forms, go all femme) then the price is that your emotional control may falter if you feel the urge but cannot act on it. This may bleed out in other avenues into your relationship (anger, frustration, resentment).

2. Discussion/Communication: Before anyone goes ballistic, I am not advocating "laying down the law" and saying this is what but more of a dialogue. Explain to her how these things make you feel, why you need to do what you do and what it means. Tell her what you would like to do and work toward a compromise. I believe you will stay in a DADT relationship but there might be more avenues open to you.

So the question you need to ask yourself is . . . "Can you live with your current arrangement and that is all you require to feel good about yourself?" If so, then don't push the issue . . . enjoy your nightgowns and the occasional dress time (when she is not home) so long as that is all you need. If you know in your heat of hearts you need more then IMHO the probability of you pushing that agenda covertly is quite high and that will only lead to greater strife should you be accidently discovered one day . . . so communication is the best way forward.

Hugs

Isha

[Rachael HK]

Hello, I'm new to the group but not to being transgendered. This is a difficult problem you face--and quite similar to the one I faced, except that my SO knew I crossdressed before we were even engaged...and did not like it. She thought she could change me, I thought she would one day say, "I don't like it, but I know how much it means to you and I love you, so okay." Neither happened. I got more and more miserable, found a chat room so I could talk to others like me, found a counsellor, enrolled in a gender program...and pushed, gently. It wasn't easy, but now I go out as a woman with regularity. My SO sees me and much of the time is okay with it, but still crabby some times. It is crucial to let her know that she is the most important thing in your life, that the clothes do not replace her or even begin to start to replace her. It is crucial to let her know that this is NOT her fault. Some of her concern might be financial--is there a way to address that? Put a limit on how much you will buy? Some of it might be her embarrassment if you are seen and recognized--can you shop somewhere that you will not be known? (The internet's good for that.) Best wishes--at 56, I am happier and healthier than I have been since I was about 22.

[NicoleScott]

I agree entirely with everything sometimes_miss posted (#8). You have permission to dress in private, so do it and keep your things out of her view and don't talk about it. Since your dressing will be in private, there should be nothing you can't wear that you desire to wear.

[Dianeh]

But how can I dress If she won't allow me to buy anything?

[Teresa]

Dianeh,
If you desperately want things you have to shop and hide ! Not the ideal solution but the only option ! OK you want be honest but her actions are forcing the deceit on, you do have rights as well !

[binair10]

Hi Dianeh, I know exactly you how feel. In the early 1970s I came out to my first Wife, and she was very pleased that she had someone with whome she could talk to about clothes and make-up etc. As a male she thought that I was not interested in such things. How wrong she was. As she was the same size as me (a very slim size 10) everything that she had fitted me perfectly. We used to have a lovely wardrobe between us.
Along came my second Wife in the late 1970s and at the beginning was not too bad with it. As she was a dressmaker I was always called upon to wear a dress(halter neck or evening dress especially when doing the hems) that she was making. As the years went by she came out with a remark that she married a man and not one of `those`. However I have been fully dressed in front of her only once (about 10 years ago) before I went out one night with the dog whilst on holiday. Now, I am out and about at night when she is away(as she is this weekend).
As for buying clothes, I buy what I want when I want. Some of the larger items such as coats and boots can only be brought when she is away. I have the odd purge at times with odd items, but most of my clothes I have had for quite a few years.
But she has been known to ask me for the odd items of hose (usually pop-socks), but has used up all of my Ester Lauder perfume.
I think that she is jealous of me because I am still a fairly slim size 12 and she has gone from a size 12 up to a size 22. A GG friend of mine has said that I look very `elegant`. Well I am 73. She is 10 years younger. I put it down to `JEALOUSY`. Through and through.
I do wear a bra,panties , tights and/or stockings everyday and even a nightdress. So, at least I get some privelages. But as for going out... only when she is away.
I do buy various items every week, but keep them out of her sight for a day or two until I can put them into my wardrobe.
So I suppose that it is swings and roundabouts with some of us, others more fortunate have it easy.
Julie.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Size 12 at age 73? You lucky, lucky beast.

Wildly jealous but a lot slimmer than I was earlier this year,

Nikki

Hi Di,

It sounds as if your wife enjoys wearing the trousers, so you already have more in common than she is prepared to admit. Perhaps at 65 it's time to start talking to her from a standpoint of confidence rather than culprit?

You are NOT wrong/stupid/bad for loving beautiful clothes, and it is never too late to speak the truth, even if it's 27 years overdue.

I advocate pushing the issue.

Good luck, Nikki

[Krisi]

In a good partnership, one partner does not "not allow" the other to do things (like buying wonen's clothes). That said, this is something that the two of you have to work out between yourselves. Nothing in a relationship is static so you can work towards changing things over time.

Rather than just rely on advice given in a single thread, I suggest that you read many threads, even ones that are months or years old. We are all in different situations and have come up with solutions (or not) for those situations.

My specific advice for now - Slow down. Insteda of satin dresses and shoes (I presume high heels), start with panties. Plain, not frilly or lace. Graduate to a plain bra like an Ahh Bra. Add some simple women's blouses and skirts and a pair of flats. Forms and a wig.

Do this over time, allowing her to get used to each new step.

It may work for you, it may not.

[mariehart]

When I told my wife she was OK with it if not exactly overjoyed. She said she didn't want to see me dressed though. I asked if she'd be ok with some undressing and to not have to hide my stuff. She agreed. But then she seemed to change her mind. She objected to seeing a pair of my shoes and when she realised I was wearing lacy panties and a bra became uncomfortable with that too. I mention lacy because she said she didn't mind me wearing plain panties which I also wore. I wear plain panties daily now without any form of objection or comment. I also wear female jogging pants and hoodies but have to hide my other female clothes.

As she doesn't discuss the issue at all. I'm really not sure where I stand. So I don't push it. Incidentally it's not simply dressing, she doesn't discuss anything despite what I believe to be quite serious relationship issues which most men simply wouldn't tolerate. Any attempt to address anything is met with silence, denial or an angry reply. All this pre dates my CD confession.

Frankly I'm gradually thinking in terms of where I'm going with this relationship. I've made all the overtures and compromises and got nothing back. In a weird way I was hoping telling her would bring us back together and it did for a bit that's gone now. To be honest if I treated her the way she treats me she would probably kick me out.

I'm still holding out hopefully.

[Teresa]

Marie,
Your second and third paragraph sounds so familiar !
We keep being told to be open and honest, it's so hard when we don't get it in return !

[mariehart]

Yes that's is. Teresa. It's as if I don't count at all

[Stephanie Julianna]

Dianeh, I know what you are up against. We're the same age however I have been married 43 years AND I did tell my future wife before we married. She tried real hard over the years and like your wife would let me occasionally wear a nightgown until a purge would happen. She now lets me sleep in women's satin PJ's but really does not appreciate it when I go out dressed. She keeps hoping for a cure. I told her that it will not happen nor do I want it to since I cannot rip my personality apart like that again. So she sticks her head in the sand and I plot around her. However, my next big issue will be when she retires which looks like it will be as early as the end of January. Than I will have no time apart which our jobs create now. I'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

[Nyla F]

Hi Dianeh,

I agree with Teresa on the "shop and hide" solution. I have tried being open with my with but she doesn't want to have anything to do with it beyond the plain panties. You'll have to come to terms with the fact that she might never "allow" you to buy anything, or allow you to crossdress beyond your current boundaries. If it makes you feel any better you could try the approach of somehow telling her that you are continuing to crossdress but will do so out of sight of her to respect her feelings, and will be more open about it if she asks. That way you can feel like you have been as open and honest about it as she can handle. But honestly that will only make you fell better, not her.

[Janine cd]

I've lived in a similar situation for 50 years of marriage. My spouse knew about my dressing soon after we were married. She made it very plain that she did not approve of it, but she would not stop me if I did it out of her sight. I complied with her demand and have been able to keep our marriage alive to this day. The only down side is the few opportunities that I have to dress.

[Launa]

if your 65 then I say get into your 1968 Camaro and burn some rubber. Make up for lost time with lots of dressing and remember its easier to ask for forgiveness that to ask for permission..... LOL

Be a good Cd'er and learn how to connive, manipulate these situations. If you get caught doing anything wrong then say you are just making up for lost time. LOL

Seriously, its all about a balancing act.....What else can you do?

[lingerieLiz]

Wives have things that they are not comfortable with too.

[CherylFlint]

Well, as you said, a huge mistake.
That said, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world.
My wife has a ball dressing me, so much so we go out to the mall and window shop and have lunch.
She does all the talking.
But she does such a good job that I can “pass” so all people see is two ladies at the mall and having lunch.
As she said, she’d rather be looking at a nice looking woman than a man in a dress.
Your wife could get with the program or go to her grave being a selfish ____.
But take whatever you can get, I suppose.
Me? Being dressed relaxes me like I can never be relaxed in drab. It’s you’re mental health at stake.
Good luck.

[stephanie71]

I often wonder if asking a wife/gf "what harms comes if I wear X?" X=whatever w omens clothing you want to describe

I think most things come from fear. If you can assure your partner that you are the same person, and love them deeply, then what harm happens?

I am probably not wording this correctly so I hope everyone understands what I mean.