I talked to the kids

[Michelle Deere]

With reference to my latest self-revelation and new found acceptance that I am a crossdresser and therefore indeed transgender, I had decided it was time to have a talk to the family.
Having recently returned home for some time off from my overseas employment, and with my pending birthday approaching, I decided the time was right to talk to my four kids (18 girl, 17 boy, 14 boy, 13 girl) individually. I still have to talk to my wife as I really don’t know she feels anymore about my hobby. I had a very similar talk with all four kids allowing them to ask any questions they had. Anyway, #2 was the first I approached while driving around town. Background info, #1 and #2 had accidentally found out about Michelle about 6 years ago, when my wife and #’s 3 and 4 where out of town, they had had a movie night and I thought they were asleep. I was about 130am and they “found me”.
#2 remembered the incident but had no problem with it, thought the pics I showed him looked good. Next was #3, then #1 and finally #4. I knew my youngest would not have a problem as for the last few years she has had a male dance instructor who just happens to be gay, so she has had some exposure to those with a slightly different take on life.
The biggest surprise response I got from the conversations was from both #3 and 4, “you have a blog?!” That apparently was a bigger surprise to them than the fact I liked to wear women’s clothes..lol.
#1 had sat listening intently, eventually revealing at the end of my speech, after I asked her if she had any questions, she says “I actually have a friend (at university) who is transgender (MtF). Wow! I was surprised and happy for my daughter, the fact she has the opportunity to have such a diverse group of friends.
All four have seen a few pic of me dressed that I had on my iPod. All of them had no apparent problem with it. “To each their own” was the general consensus. I feel so much better not having to hide this part of me from them. No more worries of one of them accidentally finding something of “mine”. They don’t think any less of me as a dad or a man. I love them as much as they love me. I guess my wife and I must have raised them correctly. Now for that talk with my wife.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Incredible account, incredible children & now the talk with your wife. I wish you well. Peace, mel

[MsVal]

You have incredible children Michelle. That account of your disclosure speaks volumes of how they were raised. A big ol' pat-on-the-back for you and your dear wife.

Best wishes
MsVal

[bridget thronton]

Great kids indeed

[Martina]

Michelle, So pleased that the talk with the children went so well and hope that your talk with your wife go's equally as well.
Good luck

Martina

[Katey888]

Great experience Michelle - and honest and courageous of you too... :cheer:

Testament also to how your kids have been brought up and their outlook on life and people... maybe the future has a chance to be a more accepting place for everyone... :thinking:

Good luck with the wife!

Katey x

[Sarah Doepner]

I hope to be able to report the same kind of response one of these days. Thanks for sharing your success, both as a CD and as an awesome parent.

[Rachelakld]

it's nice to be open with family, my girls don't care either so long as their friends aren't around

[Sierra_juliette]

I look forward to the day that all of our kids know. My children know and do not care at all about my husband CD, his kids do not know. They are much more conservative, one of them lives with us so it makes having moments in dress very hard at home.

[justmetoo]

That's excellent, Michelle! Great kids, great parent! Good luck with your wife, too!

[Leslie Langford]

Congratulations on that excellent outcome, Michelle, and what a relief it must be to have gotten rid of that "elephant in the room" with respect to your children. Particularly awesome was the fact that unbeknownst to you, your eldest daughter already had a TG friend. This just goes to show that there are many more of us around (and open about it) these days than ever before, and that "mainstream" folks are starting to take this new reality in stride.

That said, I get the sense from your post that since you still need to have "The Talk" Ver. 2.0 with your wife, you hadn't cleared your plans with her first to talk directly to your children about your being transgender. That may have been a mistake that will come back to haunt you. You appear to have been living in a quasi-DADT state with your wife for a number of years now, and implied in that would have been no mention of any of this to other family members so as not to "traumatize" them.

Momma Bear will always protect her cubs, and your wife may see this as you having done an end run around her, excluding her completely from the "reveal" process, and hence, losing control over (or at least, her participation in) the process. This may bode ill when you finally do have the heart-to-heart talk with her, the only saving grace here being the fact that by all accounts, it actually went quite well with your children. Had it not, you would likely have been in for a far rougher ride than may already be the case now.

Hope for the best, but also be prepared for the worst when you lay all this out for your wife. And above all - good luck!

[MissTee]

Glad to hear it worked out with the kids, but I have to say I agree with Leslie. Seems wife should be the first to know. Mind if I ask why you chose to inform her after the kids rather than before?

[Marcelle]

Hi Michelle,

I am so glad to hear that it went well with your kids . . . yes you and your lovely wife raised them well :) The part about them being more surprised you had a "blog" than that you CD was priceless . . . gave me my first chuckle of the day. Good luck with your wife and hopefully it will go as well. I am assuming she knows and you are just confirming with her how she feels about it.

Hugs

Isha

[charlenesomeone]

Congrats Michelle on a great bunch of kids. You must be proud. So glad it went so good. Hopefully wife will be as good.

[kimdl93]

A very big step taken. I'm glad that your children reacted so well to the news, although as you mentioned, they probably already had strong inklings. I hope things go equally well with your wife.

[Claire Cook]

Yes, you both have done a wonderful job in raising open-minded kids. Maybe that augurs well for the wife talk?

[Sara Jessica]

What Leslie said ^^^ ....

There is nothing I'd love more at this point than to disclose my essence to my children but doing so without my wife's buy-in would be a recipe for disaster. I hope this doesn't prove to be the case for your situation, especially because you "really don’t know she feels anymore about my hobby".

Best of luck.

[Debi]

This is a subject that I think about a lot (I think my kids are a little TOO young at the moment to tell), but good on you. It must feel rather liberating

Debi x

[CONSUELO]

I hope that your wife does not become upset and angry because you told the children first. Take care.

[mechamoose]

I decided the time was right to talk to my four kids (18 girl, 17 boy, 14 boy, 13 girl) individually. I still have to talk to my wife as I really don’t know she feels anymore about my hobby.

It isn't a hobby, hon. It is your true self oozing out beyond your 'relegated' self.

Kids accept *you*. They just know that 'my parent has my back'. It doesn't matter much that the parent is in slacks or a skirt.

You love your kids, they know that. They don't much care what form that takes.

"Be the change you want to see"

<3

- MM

[Michelle Deere]

And now, the rest of the story.

Well, I haven’t posted anything since I started this thread, that doesn't mean everything went badly (have been busy at home), but….
So shortly after having posted “I talked to the kids”, I experienced an emotional crash, coming down off that personal “high” of self-acceptance. I began to doubt weather I had done the right thing, even before reading Leslie’s and others responses. (Oh how right you were)
It had been a little over a week since I had talked with the last of the kids and I really wanted to dress before heading back overseas. I asked my wife if it was ok and her response was “you know you don’t have to ask”, to which I responded that I felt I should and that I still felt somewhat embarrassed to do it in front of her. I also said that I wanted to talk to her about my dressing and she responded “these nothing really to talk about”.
I got dressed in a grey skirt and burgundy/black jacket and sat down at the kitchen table, again stating I wanted to talk to her. With reference to the being embarrassed in front of her, my wife stated something along the lines that that was something I had to come to terms with and accept and that she didn't really get the whole dressing as a woman thing, but whatever. This led directly into me telling her that over the last three years, during my spare time overseas, I had done a lot of reading online about crossdressers and crossdressing and that I had established a presence on the web, even writing a blog and that I had come to understand myself better. But not to worry, nothing had actually changed with me (with this she agreed). All this time or course, the fact I had told the kids without first discussing it with her, was gnawing away inside me. I just had to let it spill out “the kids know”. “What! They don’t? Do they?”, “Yes”, “without talking to me about it? I thought we had an understanding we would not tell them, at least not yet?!” I felt absolutely horrible. I had betrayed her trust. Her fear was that we shouldn't burden them with such a “secret”, that the youngest might let something slip, how would the boys take it. I told her all four kids where understanding and related their responses to my talk with them. I still felt like crap. I retreated to the bathroom, undressed, showered and cried.
I didn't come back downstairs for almost 45 mins. My wife was still pissed but said that she had expected something like this to eventually happen, just not now, not yet. I apologized profusely and told her I was wrong to have done it. I asked her if she wanted to talk to the kids, no she did not (but over the next couple of days I did reaffirm with them, their feelings and the sensitivity of the subject and that it wasn’t something we normally talk about with others, that their mother know and had been very pissed off with me).
The frost hung heavy in the house that day, but a thaw had occurred by the next morning and what is done, is done.
Lesson learned and hopefully passed on to anyone else in this situation.
The next time I dress (probably January now), I’ll still say something like “I’m off to get changed”, just to give her a heads-up and see how that goes.

[Marcelle]

Hey Michelle,

Well . . . I guess you will have to fall on your sword for not talking to your wife prior to the reveal to your children . . . but we are all human and we all make decisions (some good some bad) and nobody can fault you for that. The good thing is that things seem to have stabilized and your wife is prepared to move forward (which BTW is a great testament to your relationship). Hopefully things will go well and when you return in January the frost will have melted completely.

Hugs

Isha

[MissTee]

Thanks for posting an update, Michelle. I was really wondering how the chat with the wife would go. Sounds like you navigated through the fallout as best anyone could. I am hopeful things will improve from here on.

You mentioned that you work overseas, and I'm assuming that perhaps keeps you from home a lot. Are the separation periods a few days, weeks, months or ?? Just curious.

Good luck!!

[Tracii G]

Well its done now and you got it all out there so I commend you for that.

[Beverley Sims]

Sometimes a secret that you keep is known by others and kept better by them.

A tough time for you but I hope it is all down hill for now and will get easier as time passes.

[Michelle Deere]

You mentioned that you work overseas, and I'm assuming that perhaps keeps you from home a lot. Are the separation periods a few days, weeks, months or ?? Just curious.

Good luck!!

MissTee, I've been at this gig for over 4 1/2 years. Originally the rotation was 8 weeks at work, 4 weeks away (ie backhome plus travel time, so just a bit over 3 1/2 weeks at home at a time, mostly taken-up with family activities). This last year, due to some schedule changes, I've been able to have more time at home. Before this civilian job, the last two years in the Canadian Military kept me away from home quite a bit (training, exercises, deployment). All that is coming to an end in a few weeks, time to spend more time at home!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I really felt for the wife being excluded from this reveal. I do believe I'd kill my H if he did this to me. But I admire that you owned the damage caused, Michelle, as that's actually pretty rare. This will hopefully work in your favor.

But yeah, others should take note. Don't reveal to people unless you absolutely HAVE to, and never tell your kids without their mothers knowledge first.

[Michelle Deere]

I really felt for the wife being excluded from this reveal. I do believe I'd kill my H if he did this to me. But I admire that you owned the damage caused, Michelle, as that's actually pretty rare. This will hopefully work in your favor.

But yeah, others should take note. Don't reveal to people unless you absolutely HAVE to, and never tell your kids without their mothers knowledge first.

Thanks Tinkerbell. When I uttered those words to my wife, I really had no idea how she was going to react. We have never found ourselves in a situation anywhere near to this (for reference). I could have been far worse. I still feel bad about it. Even tonight, back at work, talking with her over skype, I still felt shame for what I had done to her. She is a strong woman and will probable not dwell on it as much as I.


Hey Michelle,

Well . . . I guess you will have to fall on your sword for not talking to your wife prior to the reveal to your children . . . but we are all human and we all make decisions (some good some bad) and nobody can fault you for that. The good thing is that things seem to have stabilized and your wife is prepared to move forward (which BTW is a great testament to your relationship). Hopefully things will go well and when you return in January the frost will have melted completely.

Hugs

Isha

Fortunately Isha, I'll be home before January, December 19th at the latest (baring weather or unexpected airline strikes). Just in time for Christmas. :) Then no plans on going anywhere for quite some time.

And thanks to everyone else for your support

Michelle.

[mechamoose]

I have to say, 'big reveals' should be coordinated with the spouse/partner. When I told my youngest (then 12) that I was bi and had a friend that I saw to address that, HE was fine, but my wife *really* wished I had coordinated with her first.

If you have your partner's buy-in, then make sure you keep that in mind. You *aren't* alone. Don't act like you are.

<3

- MM

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm glad you're making progress Michelle- it's always an imperfect science. Sounds like your entire family have their heads screwed on right, not an easy accomplishment.