Some say you can't, some say you can. Erm...?

[silkycdresser]

I'm a bit confused having read several posts regarding folks wanting to quit. A lot of members say it's not possible as the desire to CD always stays with a person (I've found this to be true throughout my life), while some say if you want to quit, it's as easy as that, just do it.

The reason I have posted about this is because CD has affected my life a lot in the last 2 years, or maybe it's the other way around, my life has affected my CD a lot. I have been through a very, very hard time in every part of life and have felt a massive pull towards CD, which I think is as an escape, plus it makes me feel good and excited. Because of the problems in my marriage, family, job and everything else, I have just about imploded. When New Year comes, I need to start looking for a new job, but I keep thinking "this job or that job wouldn't let me CD, so I'll not apply for it" and stuff like that, as if I was working 9-5 and then with my SO and family at weekends but altogether unhappy, I would end up quitting the job. I know, because this is what I did 3 years ago.

I really want to go to counselling but don't have the money to pay for it and can't talk to my close friends about it.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

But you are talking about it, and you can go on talking about it whenever you like- in secrecy and safety. No one here knows who you are, where you live- only whatever you feel safe to tell us.

Pretty cool, huh!

PS, I really wonder- only you know what you feel safe with, and what your friends are made of, but I have perhaps a dozen true friends in the world, and I've recently come out to about half of them. So far, no frowns- and some amazing reactions, no less than total acceptance. But it's a giant leap of trust, that's for sure.

[Katey888]

Hi Sebastien,

Dealing with your last point first, your GP will have access to some counselling resource for free - but you may have to speak to your GP about your gender issues before they will refer you and then you may have to wait some weeks before the counselling could start - but it's free! I'd suggest getting on to them right away as really talking to any professional counsellor about your issues will help... :)

I believe we all have individual, but linked, motivations for doing this thing we do... In the past I've suppressed this completely for long periods of time, but as you say, the feeling and need was always there. Could I stop completely? Now - I doubt it... But could there be others out there who are able to stop? I think for sure - particularly strong-willed people who are affected only mildly by this will be able to bury it and do other things in life to fill the gaps. If anyone who was here has done it I doubt that they'd hang around to tell anyone - this place can suck you back into the joy of heels and lip gloss pretty quickly.... ;)

I'd also support your view that going through some pressure in life leads to this as an escape or perhaps temporary refuge is a nicer term... If I were in your position I'd be boxing up everything girly, wrapping it in metres of packing tape and carefully placing it in the most inaccessible corner of my garage or attic and forcing myself to focus on what I'd rate as more important - but not everyone will be able to do this, that's where the counselling will help. You may have a deeper gender issue than you can resolve alone, only time will tell...

Perhaps time to sit down, make a list of list of things that are 'Must Haves' (like new job) and 'Nice to Haves' (possibly CDing? :)) and grit your teeth and make some choices.... :thinking:

Good luck! :hugs:

Katey x

[Donnagirl]

No, quitting is not just a simple choice, just like cross dressing is not a choice. I find trying to deny the urges to be stressful and eventually quite self destructive. Counselling worked (is working) for me and the underlying thread is always understand, accept, embrace and enjoy... To fight, to deny is futile... It's a part of you that's not going away.

If you can afford counselling, find a local support group. They are always helpful and understanding. Failing that, I chat online to fellow cross dressers and find that very valuable... A good friend to share your common fears, thoughts, problems and joys provides such a wonderful release...

[Marcelle]

Hello,

WRT to can you quit well the statistics from this site (those who leave and come back at some point) tend to bear out that "you cannot". However this is what we refer to as a "restricted range sample of the population (CDers)". Basically, anyone who posts they quit and does not return . . . well we will never truly know if they actually quit or just decided not to not come back after they started dressing again. What you normally find is that people can stop for various periods of time but the desire normally returns.

To be honest, I am not sure why you need to find a job "that let's you CD"? Do you mean you want to CD openly at work or is it about finding time to CD? If it is about finding time, then I think many people here will tell you that you can make any job work when it comes to finding time. I am assuming your SO and family does not know? If that is the case I can see why you can't find time but there are others here in the same boat who do and I am sure they will reach out to you with some suggestions. I can say that you do need to come up with a plan as your angst is beginning to bleed out into your family life. This is not uncommon if you cannot find time to pursue what you need to. However, your family sounds important to you so I recommend you try to find some way to dress even if it is for a few minutes.

Hugs

Isha

[silkycdresser]

Hi Isha, yes, it's finding the time to CD if I got a new job. I would never CD at work, apart from maybe underdressing sometimes. In my last job, being around lots of gorgeous GGs in their wonderful clothes made me jealous of them and more fired up to CD, but my SO won't tolerate me dressing in front of her and the kids don't know.

For me personally, part of my CD since a kid is to compensate for an unhappiness I feel, but previous counselling (not specialized in gender or sex) hasn't put the finger on it. I feel that if I had some other part of my life going really, really great, like earning lots of money in a job and not just stuck in a boring job, then I'd maybe back away from CD. Or if I was really happy in my marriage, but there are many reasons I'm not.

I wonder, having read stuff on the Internet, if I have a sex addition or "love addiction", but again I know that's something a counsellor is needed for.

[Krisi]

I never said it was "easy" but if you truly want to quit crossdressing, jou can. It's just a matter of willpower. Many people in this world have quit smoking, alcohol and even drugs. These are much harder to quit because they are physically or chemically addicting. I quit smoking more than forty years ago, without pills , patches, etc. I just said to myself that I wasn't going to buy cigarettes or smoke them any more. I got very sick about six years ago and the doctors insisted that I quit drinking. They said I was an alcoholic and needed to join AA. I gave away all the alcohol in the house to friends and haven't had a drop since except beer and whine that I occasionally cook with (but don't drink). I didn't join AA.

I am no super hero, just a normal person like you and most everyone else. If crossdressing is causing trouble in your life and you think your life would be better if you quit, just do it. When you get up in the morning, put on a pair of briefs instead of panties. Put on an undershirt instead of a bra. Slacks or jeans instead of a dress. You get the picture.

The bottom line is, it's entirely up to you. Quit or don't quit.

[kimdl93]

At this stage in your life you need to be thinking in terms of what works for you economically first. I wouldn't pick a job that left me financially struggling solely because it may afford more opportunity to dress. The hierarchy of needs always applies...first the basics...food, clothing and shelter. Get those nailed down and you and your SO can start working on self realization.

[CarlaWestin]

Yep, Krisi has really hit on the reality of compulsions and obsessions and ownership. I'm hearing that you feel guilty about your crossdressing passion and fail to realize that you just have issues with priority. So, make a list of all the components of your life. I didn't see your age in your profile but I'm speculating 35-40. You have a lot on your plate. Husband, Father, wage earner, financial manager, crossdresser, etc.... Prioritize your list and make the mature conclusion that one item doesn't have to suffer because of another. Enough of the childish self pity. And therapy, IMHO, is just more self indulgent nonsense.

[Rhonda Jean]

Crossdressing creates a euphoria that most of us are unable to reach in any other aspect of our lives. Having said that, I believe you (I) can quit. Let's face it, people give up lots of things more powerful than women's clothes. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be tough, and it doesn't mean you wouldn't be drawn back. Little doubt you'd always miss it, but it's certainly possible.

Most of us have also found ways to deal with it and remain engaged and productive members of society that would not permit or approve of our "real" selves. If you're trying to come up with a job that will let you crossdress, you're wasting your time. Unless you can play on your supermodel good looks, this is a probably better left as a fantasy. There are exceptions. Examples of this include members of this board. You have to deal with the essential thing first, which is to have a job. It just would not be wise to make "lets me wear women's clothes" one of the qualifiers.

When cding becomes the overriding aspect of your life, you're in deep doodoo. Most of us have done that at one time ore another, but you just have to get control of it. There is more to you than just existing as a crossdresser. Let it be a manageable part of your life. Everybody's situation is different as to how much they can "get away with". It's likely not necessary that you quit entirely, just make it a manageable PART of your life, not something that consumes you.

Another thing. Resist the urge to compare yourself to others on this board. This is not representative of the world around you. It is easy to become jealous of others on here who have it better, however you measure that. You have to find your own reality, and live within it. That's life. I get jealous as hell of some of the girls on here, but it's temporary and then I get on with my life.

I could write a book about the crazy, stupid, ridiculous, dangerous, self-destructive, embarrassing, silly, inexplicable things I've done in this endless pursuit. Most of us on here could. Each of us has to find a way to manage it in a way appropriate to our own unique circumstances.

I doubt that you really need any advice from any of us. You know what you have to do. There's no magic. You just have to put on your big girl panties and get on with it.

[Eringirl]

I am somewhat hesitant to join in, but here is my two centavos worth....

Yes, I could quit. But there would be a cost. I would be miserable, and probably really hard to live with. This is not a choice for me. I am wired this way. I can't "quit" the way I am wired. I am who I am. So, to quit would mean living with other issues. So, pick my poison, so to speak. Unlike many here, I don't embrace my male side. Not at all. Hence the issues.

For some, therapy may not seem to be beneficial. For me it is a life saver, but I am not going to make such broad statements that is good for everyone. For some it is, for some it isn't.... personal and individual choice. If you feel like you would like to have a chat with a counsellor or therapist, then try it. You then decide if it is right for you. There is usually free access to such services, but they can be hard to find. Some companies have it as a benefit via Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Other areas have clinics, others are through referrals from GPs etc., as others have mentioned.

keep in mind, this is just my opinion.

Very sorry to hear that you are in such a situation.

Feel free to keep us posted and "chat" with people here when ever you want to.

Erin

[Kate Simmons]

The best efforts we can do in connection with this is to put ourselves at the helm to control what direction we want to go in. That way we call the shots and not the process.:battingeyelashes::)

[DonnaT]

I never said it was "easy" but if you truly want to quit crossdressing, jou can. It's just a matter of willpower. Many people in this world have quit smoking, alcohol and even drugs. These are much harder to quit because they are physically or chemically addicting.

I quit smoking by just stopping. It's been nearly 30 years. Every once in a while I'll get an urge for a cigar, but talk myself out of it.

Is CDing addictive, like smoking or drugs? Notice I didn't list alcohol? Many people are genetically predisposed to alcoholism. Or is CDing a genetic predisposition? For all I know, maybe having an addictive personality is also genetically predisposed, and one can't help but become addicted to smoking, drugs and alcohol.

There is a reason CDing falls under the Transgender umbrella. Being trans is most likely a genetic predisposition, and for many of us, we CD due to being trans.

It's quite hard to quit when one is not trans, or they don't think they are, but being trans raises the difficulty level substantially.

Sure, anyone can quit, if they have the internal fortitude, but at what cost to ones mental and/or physical well being.

If you're trans to some degree, the desire will likely never go away.

As for finding a job? Any job will allow you time off, so it really isn't the job that is preventing the CDing is it?! From the sound of it, it's your not wanting to cause problems within the family, especially your wife.

Quitting your job previously didn't help, I'd wager. You'll need to either find the time to CD secretly, or get your wife involved.

But you'll need to clear away those other problems in your marriage way before getting your wife involved. Seems a marriage counselor is needed to work on them.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm a bit confused having read several posts regarding folks wanting to quit. A lot of members say it's not possible as the desire to CD always stays with a person (I've found this to be true throughout my life), while some say if you want to quit, it's as easy as that, just do it..
I think that whether you can quit, or even reduce the incidence of crossdressing in your life, really depends on why you do it. Too many people want to believe that there is only one, single reason for crossdressing, but I don't think so. For some, it's an escape, for some, it's reality and dressing as a guy is the face we put on to the rest of the world.

Depending on where you live, there may be therapists that will tailor your payments to your ability to pay for them. So ask; you never know.