So I'm dating a trans man

[PaulaQ]

I met him in a trans support group several months ago. We didn't see each other for several months - and then ran into one another a few weeks back at a different trans support group meeting. We talked for a bit - I quite liked him, but never had a way to stay in touch with him. So I made sure he left with my number. (That was kind of forward, perhaps, but even if we just ended up as friends, I really did like him and wanted to stay in touch.)

So he called me up, asked me out, and well, it went wonderfully. We've gone out several times now, and I am just really crazy about him - to put it mildly. I have never dated a man before, but this guy is beyond anything I'd ever imagined. He's just so real and authentic - I know with every fiber of my being that he's not only a man, but he's the best man I've ever met. And he makes me feel so natural - when we are together, we're just a man and a woman. Sure, our transness is a part of us, but when we are together, we're just a man and a woman - and it's as if none of the other stuff, our biology, our histories, none of it seems real at all.

I love talking with him. I love being with him. I think we both feel like we were two puzzle pieces that just snap together perfectly - we somehow make more sense together than apart.

This is all moving way too fast - I realize that, but I seem to be powerless to do much about it. I've really fallen for this guy. I've never experienced feelings like these before - well, not so intense anyway.

I'd thought about asking for advice on "how to date a trans guy", and sure, I'll take any that any of you have, particularly from the trans guys here. But I don't even know that I need much advice. Being with this guy is the most natural thing I've ever experienced. It's just so easy - we both just seem to understand each other. I really get him as a man. He really gets me as a woman.

I feel so incredibly lucky to have met such a wonderful man. If being trans is the price to be with him, and he with me, then I think it's worth it.

[Lorileah]

Good for you. Love doesn't care who you date :)

[Bria]

Paula, I've followed your posts for a little over a year now and have seen how your life has progressed, this is the most positive and upbeat post that I've seen. I'm so glad that your life has turned a corner and you are in a happy place. I hope that this continues to be a positive part of your life.

As always, I will remember you in my Prayers!

Hugs, Bria

[flatlander_48]

It occurs to me that as people transition from one gender to another or as we dress for periods of time, we get to reshape who we want to be. We carry the experiences we've had into a new situation, but we're not trapped by the previous situation as we are in a different space.

My second wife and I have talked about this and it is the second marriage for her also. What we realize is that we can take what we learned before and use it to be better partners. In 9 years, we've argued maybe twice. With my first wife, it was just about a weekly occurance. Basically we know what caused problems before and we just don't have to go there. We're not trying to settle old scores and heal old wounds as it is a new person and a new situation.

[Michelle789]

I've been dating a trans man for almost five months and it has been the most wonderful experience. He is also the first person I have ever been in a relationship with. One thing is he always tells me how I am all woman, and I tell him that he is all man. He always tells me how beautiful I am, and how I am so adorable. I met another MTF/FTM couple yesterday at a support group for FTM and their significant others, friends, families, and allies.

I also like how he is all man, and he is willing to show his feelings. He is also fun to cuddle with :) :) :)

[Andy66]

Good for you, Paula. I dont have any advice. Everyone is an individual, and I dont think there is any trans formula for making things work... just honesty, respect, patience... the usual things that help make a good relationship.

[Katey888]

How cool is that...? :yahoo:

Somehow, that all seems to make sense, Paula... but of course, we all should know that this is about feelings and not sense.. ;)

I'm really pleased for you both (and Michelle too..) - I have no specific experiential advice to give, other than just make the most of it - be happy and have a great time! :D

Katey x

[kimdl93]

Good for you, Paula. As you know, I always counsel caution in relationships, but I also think you owe yourself a good time.

[PaulaQ]

Thanks all! One of the things that sort of surprised me about the two of us is that we don't really seem to care all that much about what's in one another's pants. It's just not a problem. He's a man, I'm a woman, and we just work on that level.

We went to a TDOR vigil and service last night here in Dallas. I'd never been to one before, and I cried a lot. He was there with me, and really comforted me. I can let my guard down with him in a way I've just never been able to do before. I'm pretty strong - but I know he's there for me when I'm not. It's a great feeling.

We make a great looking couple, I've been told. I'll probably end up marrying this guy - lol. But we'll get to know each other better, first. (I hope - seriously, whatever this is we're feeling, it is completely overwhelming for both of us. I've had relationships before - but wow, nothing like this. We both say things like "OK, we're going too fast. Let's slow this down," and then we um, don't slow down.)

I think some of what we feel is that we really validate each other, him as a man, and me as a woman. I mean we really validate one another.

I have to admit that I really am having a good time! I've also never felt this happy before. He really is just one helluva man.

[mykell]

hi paula,
nice to read that you are happy in a way you never thought possible, such a positive vibe,
hope things continue to work for you both on your new journey :):)....keep us updated....

[Brianna_H]

This post is the sweetest thing ever. EVAR!!!!!

<3

Congratulations, Paula. Love truly is a many-splendored thing.

[bridget thronton]

That is just marvelous - i hope the happiness continues to grow

[Paulette]

So happy for the both of you. It must be so nice to be pursued and allowed to be yourself.

[girlfriendpaola]

this is so great! Congratulations!:)

[susmitha]

Best of luck to Michelle and Paula (and their men too!).

[MsVal]

This post is a major departure from your often painfully frank posts wherein you've chronicled some of the trials you have endured.

The joy and excitement you feel are far too long overdue. You have reaffirmed faith in the human spirit.

I wish you two continued happiness.

Best wishes
MsVal

[PaulaQ]

I took him to thanksgiving dinner with my family today. My mom really seemed to like him a lot. I think she's really happy I'm in a straight relationship. She's never actually liked anyone I've ever brought home before...

[flatlander_48]

I think she's really happy I'm in a straight relationship.

Given all that has happened, just a touch of irony there...

Glad it went well.

[Bria]

I'm sure you are thankful for an accepting mom!

Hugs, Bria

[Marcelle]

Hey Paula . . . YAY!!! Well if you got the seal of approval about him from mom then it is all good to go :) So glad for you.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

Given all that has happened, just a touch of irony there...


Actually the ironic part is that he's really the type of man my ex-wife always said she wanted. Ain't that a kick in the head?

My mom, I'm fairly sure, had no idea he's trans. We'll eventually tell her, both of us are out out publicly. But you know what? It doesn't change one thing whether or not he's trans as far as I'm concerned, I didn't feel like doing "the talk" over a holiday meal, and it's really none of her business.

Oh transness aside, we really are a straight couple. At least it's a straight relationship. He's totally straight. Me? I think the phrase that best describes my sexual orientation is "train wreck."

After the year I've had, it's pretty weird to have ended up back in a hetero relationship, just on the opposite side of it. I am a lot more comfortable going out with him. We're just another couple in public - no big deal. Oddly enough, we stand out more in my current neighborhood here in the gay district of Dallas. (He doesn't much care for being hit on by other dudes here, either.)

The one thing that is a little off now, is I find that while I'm comfortable back in the straight world in a way I just never was in the lesbian world, like I'm back home again, the feeling is somewhat spoiled by knowing how horrible and intolerant some of those people really are. :( And yep - I was just like them, or pretended to be. I can't feel very good about that. :(

[flatlander_48]

Life is a Process and I remain firmly convinced that situations are presented to us in order that we may experience and learn. It is often hard to see the linkage to how we might use a piece of information later, but I liken it to the video games where you are supposed to pick something up wth the expectation that it may be useful in the future. And, it may not have direct application. Perhaps a situation is shown to get you to think about something so that when it happens, you'll be that much further ahead with a decision. In other words, I don't think any of our paths are random. I think it is entirely possible that your journey so far has shown you a great deal about what is possible and what you really need.

[PaulaQ]

@flatlander_48 - I completely agree with you. The trials I've had in the past have given me strength and know how to survive the challenges I face today.

[missVS]

Glad to hear Paula relationship is going so nicely. Very happy for you. I think especially for me and I'm sure others it can be very difficult with relationships and for me even having one with a significant other.
Maybe I see you this weekend I will be there friday.

Victoria

[kristinacd55]

It's wonderful to see 2 folks in love like you are. Doesn't matter what your gender is, if that other person's the right one! Lots of luck to you Paula :)

[mechamoose]

Paula, that is SO cool, and I'm VERY happy for you!

The idea of an intimate relationship is that it is with someone who understands you and who *GETS* you.

Lucky girl!

I have a related thing with my girl, who is a guy in a girl's body. We have been together for what? 25 years?

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be understood.

Again, I'm **SO** happy for you!

(Is he a member here?)

<3

- MM

[PaulaQ]

@MM - :) No, he's not a member here. I've introduced him to some cross dressers here locally, but he really doesn't completely get it. Which is all sorts of ironic, in some respects. He very strongly identifies male - the idea that someone wouldn't identify strongly as one gender or the other is odd to him. He understands that some don't, and knows others who don't, but he really doesn't completely understand such things. Does your SO identify as male then, or is it just a really strong tendency in her behavior? The really nice thing about our relationship is that it just seems very natural. I'm a woman, he's a man. We love each other, and are together. It's really simple.

@Kristina - Thanks so much hon! :) Being in a relationship with him is the most natural feeling thing I've ever experienced.

[LelaK]

It's nice to see on this entire forum that people can tell the difference between a person and their "vehicle" or "body" and address the person instead of the vehicle.

[donnalee]

Aaaww!:daydreaming::love:

It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.:hugs:

[PaulaQ]

I wish I had some statistics. I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common. I see lots of gay / lesbian relationships between trans people. I see some gay / lesbian relationships between cis and trans people, and a fair number of straight relationships between cis and trans people. I'm not sure if that's really the case, it's just what I've noticed.

Mostly what I see around trans men and women is a lot of loneliness.

It's a little weird, being able to show a picture of him to people, and have them find it totally unremarkable that we are together. (We just look like a straight cis couple.)

[flatlander_48]

Aaaww!:daydreaming::love:

It's not how the package is wrapped, it's what's inside that counts.:hugs:

And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...

[PaulaQ]

And such is the actual nature of bisexuality...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately - what am I exactly. I'm in a straight relationship. I don't seem to be a lesbian - I just don't have much of any attraction to women anymore, or I don't seem to. I guess I'm bisexual, since I've been with both men and women, but in my heart of hearts, I suspect I'll never be with a woman again. Those relationships have just never worked out, nor ended well for me.

I don't think labels make much sense in the trans* world.

If I'm really honest, I think the situation may have been that I always wanted to BE the woman I was dating, and secretly had crushes on the men I'd befriended. That feels just really dishonest and pretty yucky. I'm not particularly proud of myself about that. No, not at all. Or maybe I am just being harsh on myself, and I do still like women some. I don't have the time nor inclination to even think about anyone else right now, anyway.

It's pretty confusing though. I guess I've never been repulsed at the thought of being with another woman - I've done that plenty of times. I just don't get much out of it, and never have, really. I have no idea what that really means, in terms of a label. I don't guess it matters.

It's just as well, I guess. My guy's ex-wife pretty much dumped him, announcing she was a lesbian, and couldn't live a lie anymore. (He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.) I really don't want him to worry about that with me.

BTW, if you think of sexual orientation in terms of anatomy, rather than gender, probably everything I've written in this post makes absolutely zero sense to you.

[flatlander_48]

Sorry, I should have been more descriptive and less cryptic. Can't even claim lateness of the hour with that one!

My point was intended to be very general. donnalee's statement captured the essence of Bisexuality in that a person's sex is less of a gating factor and the mental aspects of attraction assume greater relative importance.

PQ, in your situation, I think perhaps more brewing time may be needed. You've gone through, and continue to go through, a LOT of changes in a relatively short period of time. In many ways, much of what you knew prior to the last few years has been turned upside down (and in some cases, literally!). I think time allows us to separate the real nuggets of information from the background noise. In the meantime, catch your breath and enjoy the good things that are happening!

[Bria]

Paula, I think sometimes our lives are like turning the pages of a book. After we finish with the questions and answers on one page and turn to the next, we find questions that we had not considered before. Then we work to answer that set, so I think that you have just turned the page and are now looking at the next steps in your life.

Before you transitioned those pages weren't in your book! Just keep moving forward.

Hugs, Bria

[Michelle789]

I'm not sure why, but straight relationships between two trans persons seem not extremely common.

Cody and I are Mr. and Mrs. Trans in our church (which has a relative large trans community) and TG support group. I do know of at least one other transman/transwoman couple - I met them recently at a TG support group for FTM and their spouses - I went there last month with Cody and I met the other couple.

I have seen FTM/MTF couples at least twice in youtube documentaries about transgender people. One was two teenagers, and the other one was two people somewhere in their 30s or 40s.

I also know of a couple that's a transwoman and a genderqueer that goes to our church.


He and I really do come at just about everything from opposite directions.

Same thing with Cody and I. Neither of us lost a spouse to get to where we are, and we're both the same age - he's one month older than me.

One nice thing about being in a trans/trans relationship is that we (usually) don't have to worry about mis-gendering, although I have heard of trans/trans couples getting into arguments and than mis-gendering each other. But it is really nice that Cody sees me as a woman, even if he sees me with my wig off, 5:00 shadow, or naked. He is the only one that will ever see me like that, and I am looking to the day that my beard and 5:00 shadow is completely gone. He still sees me as a woman even though I have the wrong parts.

[PaulaQ]

PQ, in your situation, I think perhaps more brewing time may be needed. You've gone through, and continue to go through, a LOT of changes in a relatively short period of time.

Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I don't think it all really matters. About all I really do know is that when I started my transition, I was worried that I'd probably never date another cis woman again - would want me?!?! Now? I'm actually just fine with that. Kind of sad, really - I wasted so much of my time, as well as that of my ex-wives on relationships that fundamentally couldn't ever have worked.


One was two teenagers

If they were from Oklahoma, I know them.

I'm sort of worried about becoming "mr. & mrs. trans."

It really is great that Pat and I just "get" each other, same as you and Cody.

[Michelle789]

Cody and I aren't officially Mr. and Mrs. Trans, although it's implied by others at church and at our TG support group. In a certain way it places more pressure on us so I try not to think that way - I mean I try not to think of us as Mr. and Mrs. Trans but rather just as another couple.

[flatlander_48]

Yeah, I'm not too worried about it. I don't think it all really matters. About all I really do know is that when I started my transition, I was worried that I'd probably never date another cis woman again - would want me?!?! Now? I'm actually just fine with that. Kind of sad, really - I wasted so much of my time, as well as that of my ex-wives on relationships that fundamentally couldn't ever have worked.

Yes, but we have to remember that the Human Experience has a very large Trial and Error component. I mean, if we had never tasted Brussel Sprouts, how would we know what to think of them? There are vry few ways to substitute for that.

Another aspect is that Humans are capable of Hope; as long as there is a glimmer of a chance (and sometimes even not), it is enough for us to continue. However, if we knew how an experiment (or a given situation) was going to turn out, why would we bother to do it? And that's the key: we don't know.

[mechamoose]

Does your SO identify as male then, or is it just a really strong tendency in her behavior? The really nice thing about our relationship is that it just seems very natural. I'm a woman, he's a man. We love each other, and are together. It's really simple.

IRL, my mate is a big, curvy woman. Her personality is *all* male. It shows in her clothing choices (from female clothing) what stuff she 'hangs out in, how she responds to stuff, emotionally, how she speaks, etc. She said she'd go to CD/TS/TG events with me, but she wanted a (male) suit to do it in.

I'm the opposite. I'm a big burly guy with a female inside.

It feels natural, and it just fits.

<3

- MM

[PaulaQ]

I think one of the common fears that trans men have about dating trans women is the fear of being rejected should the trans woman have GCS (bottom surgery.) The fear goes like this "what if she decides she wants the real thing post-op, and abandons me?"

I dunno, I guess some women might think like that. I don't. It's not like I'll get a real set of reproductive organs installed. Far from it! And to me, genitals are the least important part of the relationship - I'll get mine changed only to make myself feel better about my own body. I am not in love with a set of genitals - I'm in love with a man.

I believe "dance with the one who brung you," I guess.