Which is the real side of us?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What if the femme side is the real side?

What if we suppressed our real nature- our 'authentic self' -when we were very young, and the emergence of our femme sides in later life is simply a reawakening of the gentle, feminine side stripped of all its macho, he-man posturing?

What if the dresses and wigs are just a metaphor for the gentle side that got kicked into touch so long ago, in order for us to survive in this rough, scary playground?

[Alice Torn]

very well can bed true for many.

[Jenniferathome]

What if I was a foot taller? What if I was 20 seconds faster in the 100 yard dash? I'd be playing in the NFL! What iffing is just a wast of time.

[bridget thronton]

Nice post Nikki

[Violetgray]

What if I was a foot taller? What if I was 20 seconds faster in the 100 yard dash? I'd be playing in the NFL! What iffing is just a wast of time.

To be fair Jennifer the examples you provide aren't quite the same because they are examples of something was different in the past, whereas this is speculation about the nature of our being in the present. Can't blame a girl for wanting to understand the nature of our non-conformity!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What if I was a foot taller? What if I was 20 seconds faster in the 100 yard dash? I'd be playing in the NFL! What iffing is just a wast of time.

Hi Jen, you're 3,680 posts ahead of me- gimme a break. I'm still trying to understand what's happened to me :)

[Chari]

For many of us Nikki, the feminine side IS the real side! We are all a very complex mixture of emotions, talents, and ideas - so unique that we are classified as individuals - somewhat the same but different from each other! IMO it is always great to dream, imagine, and try what makes us confident and comfortable to express all our facets. Enjoy.

[Lee Andrews]

For me, it's just a simple part of me as a whole. Without it I'd be a very different guy....

[Tina_gm]

I think it's always real. For some of us. We create a false persona of manliness and a macho like image because we were born male. For others, the manly macho is also just as real as the feminine.

[Beverley Sims]

Too much thinking Nikki,
What if is even in a spreadsheet I have these days.
It does not give me a true answer either.

[Ashley84]

For me, it's just a simple part of me as a whole. Without it I'd be a very different guy....
this^
there is no real side or fake side, its just a part of who you are.

its not like you have split personalities, at least im assuming you don't.
now with crossdressing alot of times we see our selves as being two different people, or living two different lives.

you have to look deep within yourself to discover who you really are.
you have to see past both the facade & the fantasy.

not saying im an expert or anything, but thats my personal opinion.

[Requal Jo]

I get your drift Nikki. However I have long ago come to the conclusion that I am just a guy who enjoys wearing female apparel.

I am Requal when Requal and me when me.

I gave up thinking about what side I am I on a long time ago.

[CynthiaD]

Actually, Nickki, that's exactly how some of us feel about it. I'm one of them.

[sonialexis]

i truly wonder, when i'm a girl i'm all girl, when i'm the male i fantasize about the female me...hmm i guess i'm a girl. I remember when i first, as a kid discovered cross-dressing I was wearing my moms pantyhose and panties to bed and how badly i wished i was a girl for a day.

[ReineD]

What if the femme side is the real side?(bold emphasis is mine)




I think the femme side IS a real side. But it is how you describe it, "a side": a facet, a part of. This is what being a CD is all about, non-conforming gender.

I've noticed among some (many?) CDers there is a struggle to see which is "the" gender identity, male or female. I think the struggle exists because we really only see either males or females around us all the time, and "male" and "female" are binary states (either/or, on/off). If a CDer experiences both sides, then it makes sense there should be conflict, because I think most of us do expect to conform to the world that we know and see around us (either male OR female).

Transsexuals and cispersons (a cisperson is someone who is comfortable with their birth sex) don't have two sides, they are binary (either male or female). And so there is no struggle to figure out which "side" is real. I need to add that some TSs do struggle with the fear of potential loss when contemplating switching their lives around, but this is not the same struggle as trying to figure out who they are. They know who they are, there are no "sides".

It seems to me as if it might be helpful for a CDer to accept that the desire to be feminine is a part of who he is and to happily live with both "sides", in other words, redefine his definition of himself as a crossdresser (or any other word you might prefer) instead of a man like the men who do not crossdress?

[Anna H]

well, i don't wear dresses or makeup every single day....and
neither do +80% of women here where i live....

but, i have figured out how to be fully dressed "correctly" and
go about my days normally anywhere i need to go. so i guess i'm
at least somewhat feminine appearing always. (probably more
than i think...lol!)

i couldn't explain exactly 'why'...but even wearing guys things
bothers me quite a lot. but my normal clothes aren't necessarily
excessively girly. and again...neither are the majority of women
here.

i'm not trying to copy women, just feel "right". and again...i couldn't
explain that in a million years... :)

♥

[justmetoo]

I'm with Lee Andrews and Reine - it's one aspect of the whole person for me. When I'm en femme, that's part of the real me. When I'm not en femme that is also part of the real me. I suspect if varies for different people. For some, maybe the femme side is the "real" or whole person. For others, like me, it's just one side of the "real" or whole person.
Best wishes finding where you fit and who the "real" person is. :)

[Kallyope]

Really tricky question... to which I have no answer... or the answer may vary depending on how I feel during the day.

After quite a long time in my life... during which I spent a great deal of time and energy trying to suppress my feminine side... I enventually came to the realization that : it won't be going anytime soon, because it's part of myself.

Of course that doesn't answer the main question. Who am I? What am I?

Every single day, I ask myself those two questions. Am I a man? A woman trapped in the wrong body? I know I always felt I was born with the wrong gender. I know deep inside I long for something else than just dressing. And there are days when I feel just terrible with my male self... but others when I'm perfectly fine with my male self. Maybe I'm overthinking this altogether, and I'm pretty much sure counseling would be a big help.

And maybe the answer is not that much important. I'm just me, and I just need to accept fully who I am.

[Kate Simmons]

Pretty much the way it seems to me.

[LilSissyStevie]

You nailed it. Masculinity and femininity are not innate qualities of being male or female. Everybody possesses a mixture of so-called masculine and feminine characteristics but men in particular are encouraged to suppress their "feminine side." See The Mask You Live In (http://therepresentationproject.org/films/the-mask-you-live-in/). This was especially true in the working class environment I grew up in where machismo ruled supreme and being seen as a sissy was a potential death sentence. But, you can't suppress it forever. Sooner or later it has to come out. Crossdressing/crossdreaming, albeit a distortion, is a fairly benign way to attempt re-connection with the part we've tried to suppress.

[belindaH]

We live in a world that sees things as masculine or feminine to an extreme degree. Hell we even describes some colors that way! You shouldnt confuse this cultural distortion with reality if you can. (Not to say that it is easy). So in my opinion neither really describes anyone, and the description is particularly poor for transgendered folks like ourselves.

[Katey888]

I think Reine has hit the generality of this for me, Nikki - for those of us who the femme side really is do end up heading towards 24/7 living or transition - and this idea speaks volumes to me (as repressed as I continue to be..):



It seems to me as if it might be helpful for a CDer to accept that the desire to be feminine is a part of who he is and to happily live with both "sides", in other words, redefine his definition of himself as a crossdresser (or any other word you might prefer) instead of a man like the men who do not crossdress?

It probably would help me to migrate towards the 'androgynous zone' more... I guess I do a little already with the eyebrows, nails, but not in any dress way outside the home... too much fear of being called out... so it's still better for me to get the 'full femulation' hit once every few weeks.. and then back (largely) to drab...

But both parts are just facets or aspects of a complete me... it's just better and probably healthier when the complete me gets out more... :)

Katey x

[sometimes_miss]

I've come to realize that whether it's only an act that we enjoy, or it's what we want to be, the 'femme side' is something that is an integral part of who we are, not just an acting job we do such as in a play. As much as we might not want to accept it, to a certain extent we all have feminine feelings, emotions and desires, even if we can't yet accept it as who we are. I've learned to accept and appreciate it; now, if only I could find a woman who would as well.

[Annaliese]

It is for me my fem side is the real side, I have been pretending all my life, I am just now starting to be the real me.

[ReineD]

See The Mask You Live In (http://therepresentationproject.org/films/the-mask-you-live-in/).

Thanks for posting this! I watched the trailer in the link and I hope that every single male in our culture will watch the movie when it comes out.

I remember after the Columbine school shooting (1999), there were a slew of talk shows with experts and books that came out discussing the very idea that we need to teach our boys that it's OK to let others in and be vulnerable. One book title was something like Boys who don't cry, shoot bullets.

Not all boys grow up to not let anyone in. I think that many (most?) men who marry and have kids learn both through the process of maturing and through their wives that it's OK to feel and express emotion … maybe not in public, but certainly among loved ones. But, some men do wear much thicker masks than others and I wonder if CDers in general are part of this category simply because they feel they have more to hide than men who do not CD - so they might be less apt to put the mask down, unless they crossdress.

[Michelle789]

I think the femme side IS a real side. But it is how you describe it, "a side": a facet, a part of. This is what being a CD is all about, non-conforming gender.


If you are a crossdresser than both the male and female sides are part of who you are, and both need to be expressed. Both sides are your real side.



Transsexuals and cispersons (a cisperson is someone who is comfortable with their birth sex) don't have two sides, they are binary (either male or female). And so there is no struggle to figure out which "side" is real. ... They know who they are, there are no "sides".


Actually, many transsexuals will bury and repress their true nature so deeply that they might struggle to figure out their identity. It wasn't until 2014 that I knew for sure that I identify as female. Prior to this year I wasn't sure, although I always felt like I was a girl on the inside, I wasn't sure my true identity (male, female, neither, both, something else) until this year. At my TG support group we discussed this issue too many times. In my case my femme side is my real side.

[samantha rogers]

I would tend to agree almost completely with Reine, with one small qualification. I believe if you draw some kind of line between the binaries of 100% male, and 100% (whatever exactly those poles are defined as) that everyone, regardless of genetic gender, exists somewhere on that line. Some are totally at one extreme and others are at the opposite but a lot are somewhere in between. The problem arises when the place on the line is out of wack with genetics.
Some of us are born with a cis male body and a gender identity somewhere to the femme side.
In some it is barely far enough to notice, for others it is further and leads to redress through crossdressing. And for others it is so far to the femme side that it, sooner or later, demands transition.
And I think placement on that line may shift, especially with age, but also if outside influences have caused the authentic gender identity to be denied/suppressed, and through a gradual self awareness awakening, it is slowly allowed to surface. At an early stage in that process it may be felt that someone is a crossdresser. But as further maturity takes place in the process, it may become apparent that there is more femme identity suppressed than previously realized (sometimes being honest with one self takes time), and a gradual progress toward transition may occur.
Other than that we all exist on the line somewhere, I don't think there are any hard and fast rules.

At least thats what I think...lol

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I don't think either 'side' need be more real than the other. I'm both a mother and an artist. Currently, my young children mean mother comes before honing my craft. Some weeks, I don't get creative time at all (very distressing) but I'm always an artist even when this happens. I'll always be a mother, too, and how much time I spend on one has no bearing on the importance of the other. They're both me, even though they often seem very separate.

Funny, but I actually hope the future means I can blend these two 'sides' of me together, much like has been suggested here of the male and female. I guess maybe many of us will spend our lives seeking balance x

[Sarasometimes]

ReineD I agree with both of your posts. I love to do some things society in general would consider to be feminine or even very feminine (playing with and wearing makeup (even nude lipstick is fun) getting my hair styled, colored, conditioned (must wear a wig to do it anymore) getting pedicures with pretty polish...) I love to do some things society in general would consider to be masculine to very masculine (Get dirty from building something, rescue someone trap in a car after an accident, fight a house fire...)
These two equal desires run contrary to each other and since our binary society generally only accepts one or the other I have opted to go for the more accepted one publicly. As she said I since I don't want to risk my masculine activities, I further suppress or deny my feminine ones except when I cross-dress of course. That thicker mask she speaks of.

Hence the conundrum.

Women are encouraged to do both, men are not!! (my wife has a pair of panties that are made to look like men's with a fake fly sewn in the front...why?)

Thanks ReineD

Belinda hit on some good points too feminine colors?

[Tina_gm]

I've noticed among some (many?) CDers there is a struggle to see which is "the" gender identity, male or female. I think the struggle exists because we really only see either males or females around us all the time, and "male" and "female" are binary states (either/or, on/off). If a CDer experiences both sides, then it makes sense there should be conflict, because I think most of us do expect to conform to the world that we know and see around us (either male OR female).

You really nailed it with this paragraph, at least for me you have. I am sure many others here as well. I will add that having both elements of gender integrated within you, whether we want it to be that way or not can be difficult and confusing. There are times, many times it seems that both gender sides of me want to be in the drivers seat so to speak, neither wanting to ride shotgun. Intense emotional moments can be hard for me, because I have half of me wanting to be soft, sensitive, caring, nurturing, and the other half wanting to be strong, take charge, be tough. Then there can be times when in malls, sheesh, that can make my head spin. Both gender isles call out to me, and sends my gender issues ping ponging like crazy. There are days when I sometimes wish I had left it buried because of this.

Ultimately, my life is better now that I am uncovering and accepting my femininity. I feel more whole, more calm and relaxed. I would dare say that in some ways, accepting my feminine side has even made my masculine side better. But, it can be confusing and difficult at times.

[justmetoo]

Great comparison, Tinkerbell-GG! Even down to things like the distressed feeling when you don't get creative time. I hope the future works out for you like you describe! :)

[carahawkwind]

I don't think either 'side' need be more real than the other.

This is where I've come with it as well and it's helped me feel better about my dressing. Both are real, both are me and are healthy and can be productive. I think there are several different male personas I slip in and out of as well without changing my appearance. If anything the real me is the collection of all the parts and not a single one.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Both gender isles call out to me, and sends my gender issues ping ponging like crazy.

In other words, it's hard to be true to yourself because of internal conflict. And isn't that true for 99.9% of humanity?

I conclude we're as normal or abnormal as everyone else. It's just that the CD gives a name to one facet of us, which we focus on- most people don't see themselves as multi-faceted, they just struggle with their conflicts.