Balance in our lives

[TGMarla]

Most all of us here, save perhaps some of the real girls, stand somewhere in the sliding scale of the transgender spectrum. As such all of us must sooner or later come to a crossroads of sorts and answer to the question of just how much we are going to allow our transgendered feelings to infiltrate and rule our lives. To the most extreme examples within our community, this will include transexualism and gender reassignment. On the least extreme side of the bell curve we have those of us who only occasionally dabble in experimentation with a few articles of clothing now and then. Yet we all share a common bond. We have an affinity for feminine clothing and that which is feminine within us.

I see many examples of "girls" here who seem to go out of their way to try and prove to others just how really feminine they are, though. It's almost as if they are forcing themselves into an alternate reality where they really are the almost cliche "woman trapped in a man's body". Hey, if that's true, it's also probable that your only road to true happiness will be through transition and gender reassignment. But more often, these individuals are only trying to fool themselves, and aren't really fooling anyone around them. Ask yourself, is transition really what you want? Do you not have the opportunity to masquerade as a woman now? Do you really want to go through all the hardship of transition just so you can do that permanently and for the rest of your life? Some really do, but the statistical prevalence of true transexualism is rather low.

Furthermore, many crossdressers allow their little habit to take over their lives, consume their every waking thought, slide them down into depression and despair, and ruin them as normal, well adjusted members of society. All this just because the world feels a little better to you in pantyhose and high heels? Why? All people need to strike a balance of some kind in their lives, crossdressers and other transgendered people all the more so. We cannot allow obsession to rule the way we live. But so many of us lack that balance, and are looking for answers that may never come until we find that balance. This balance has nothing at all to do with accepting spouses, passing in public, or whether we sit down to pee or not. It starts in your head, where you and only you can answer the most important question that nags at you: How do I come to grips with the fact that I am transgendered?

Self acceptance is the first step. There is no way anyone else can accept you until you first accept yourself. It's not a difficult thing to do. You must simply accept within yourself that crossdressing is something you enjoy. Then and only then can you pull in the reigns and strike the balance you need in your lives. Crossdressing need not be an obsession. With the right balance, whether you are in the closet or out in public or out to your friends and loved ones, you can live with your crossdressing as a pleasant and wonderful diversion rather than a huge moral, spiritual, and obsessive weight that you carry with you each day.

I am a crossdresser. I accept it. I love it, too. I may even get a chance to dress up for a while today. But if I don't, I am not about to let the disappointment run me down and preoccupy me. I like where I'm at with it in my head. It may not be the perfect balance, but I work on it, and it's not bad. I hope that the rest of you find the balance you need, too. It makes life as a transgendered individual a whole lot better.

[MsJanessa]

Well what for some people may be a "little habit'' may for others be an all consuming passion or even a way of life----some of Us are slightly feminine, others more so and I have transexual friends who have had SRS and couldn't imagine living their lives with a penis. My own experience over the years was that My transgenderism grew from a sexual, fetihistic type of experience where as soon as I acheived an orgasm I shed My female persona to the present where I dress(often-even mostly- in non fetish clothing) and go out in public as a TG for a night out with the sexual side of it being secondary, even non existant on some nights. Thats not to say I don't enjoy the male side of Me as well---I do but I'm much more comfortable now leting My feminine side have more freedom than I used to be. I've also found that to be attractive and convincing takes, for Me at least, a lot of time, effort and some money---but in My view it's worth it.

[uknowhoo]

Hi Marla. Cool thread, thanks.

I agree with most all of what you so eloquently said. Self-acceptance and maintaining a workable balance are fundamental to our mental well being, whether we be GM or GG, CD or whatever. I do differ with you on one point. I don't agree with the blanket statement that accepting yourself is not difficult to do. Accepting oneself and maintaining balance can present a challenge to anyone, anytime. Adding CDing into the mix often makes it even more challenging.

I'm very happy for you as it sounds like you currently have a very workable balance and acceptance of your femme side. I'm happy to say that I'm pretty much there myself, due in no small part to this wonderful community we share. That said, I think we should recognize that achieving balance and acceptance can, at times, be difficult for many, and even more often for CDers.

Tammi

[RenaCD]

Hey Marla I agree with Tammi this is a very Good Idea as it works for you. but I think the thing that brings us all together here also sets us apart at many different levels.
Age, Environment,Geography,and Social upbring, how many here have experienced abuse in there lives in one form or another either by someone else or by there own hand and still are. Crossdressing may not be the only thing that there working on in there heads. This is a very diverse group, and yet we all feel as thou we are alike, only in this part of our lives, be it a large part or small.
We are All here very Spacial no matter what label we use.
Once again Great Thread, good thoughts.

Rena

[pattied]

Hi Marla. Cool thread, thanks.

I agree with most all of what you so eloquently said. Self-acceptance and maintaining a workable balance are fundamental to our mental well being, whether we be GM or GG, CD or whatever. I do differ with you on one point. I don't agree with the blanket statement that accepting yourself is not difficult to do. Accepting oneself and maintaining balance can present a challenge to anyone, anytime. Adding CDing into the mix often makes it even more challenging.

I'm very happy for you as it sounds like you currently have a very workable balance and acceptance of your femme side. I'm happy to say that I'm pretty much there myself, due in no small part to this wonderful community we share. That said, I think we should recognize that achieving balance and acceptance can, at times, be difficult for many, and even more often for CDers.

Tammi

Self acceptance... novel concept. Reality for me is that I have only recently begun to accept myself... I have always wanted to female, but family influences coupled by my own shame and guilt kept the real me hidden for so long that accepting myself is very hard. Thankfully, I have a very supportive wife, who has been wonderful to me since I came out in December. She seems very accepting, of everything but losing her husband for good. I still have issues with my identity however, and issues talking about it. With anyone. Even my wife.

(Aside: If you could have witnessed my trying to explain to my doctor that I needed a referral to a gender therapist yesterday... I must have stumbled over myself for 5 minutes at least, all the while studying my shoes and the cracks in the wall of the examination room. And he is a married gay man who is as gentle and forthright as any doctor I have ever met.)

So striking a balance, and actually accepting one's self, may be an easy thing for some. It is not for me. I am a scientist, and therefore tend to analyze (and over analyze) everything. In my experience, this loop tends to inhibit acceptance. I would love to be comfortable with myself. I would love to be able to express myself. I would love to not feel this hanging guilt and complete fear of rejection that seems to follow me like the rainy cloud in so many cartoons. I have faith that I will someday. Till then I cry alot. And stumble through discussions. And study my shoes. (which are hideous drab male hiking boots...:doh:)

Sorry to be such a downer...
(off to the loony bin)

[Laurie Ann]

I believe that perception is reality and acceptance of that reality leads to self acceptance. My perception of my desire to dress is rooted in feelings and desires from the past and I would not change that for the world. The reality of my life is I am a male and I enjoy that side of my life. The cd side of my life is used to escape from the realities of everyday life and in effect become someone else. I find the act of transforming from my male self to Laurie Ann an almost spiritual activity . The time it takes to become Laurie is almost as important as being Laurie Ann for what ever period of time. I believe that acceptance of others is a major consideration for us to consider ourselves whatever we may be on the transgendered spectrum. Marla you have made several excellent points as it relates to self acceptance but I believe that it is up to us individually to see where we stand on the spectrum.

[christine55]

Marla
It seems that with the mental energy I put into dressing and dealing with it I dont have the mental resources to deal with issues in my male life. Many of the difficulties in my life stem from this neglect.
Hugs, Christine

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Marla. Cool thread, thanks.

I agree with most all of what you so eloquently said. Self-acceptance and maintaining a workable balance are fundamental to our mental well being, whether we be GM or GG, CD or whatever. I do differ with you on one point. I don't agree with the blanket statement that accepting yourself is not difficult to do. Accepting oneself and maintaining balance can present a challenge to anyone, anytime. Adding CDing into the mix often makes it even more challenging.

I'm very happy for you as it sounds like you currently have a very workable balance and acceptance of your femme side. I'm happy to say that I'm pretty much there myself, due in no small part to this wonderful community we share. That said, I think we should recognize that achieving balance and acceptance can, at times, be difficult for many, and even more often for CDers.

Tammi

Yea, what she said... :cheeky:

I wrote an piece on this a few years back called On Being Yourself (http://cydathria.com/ms_donna/beyourself.html), which you may find of interest.

It should be easy to be and accept yourself. Unfortunately, things that should be often aren't, and the 'peer pressure' we experience by seeing what others are doing only exacerbates this. The key is to recognize that which is right for you.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Sweet Susan]

I have never been able to actually express my transgender desires to the extent that I would like, so I don't know if it would become a problem or if it would become something that would increase. Actually, I've never really thought of myself as transgendered, but that doesn't mean that I am not.

In the 70s I had an opportunity to dress like a woman and live as a woman for a week. My ex-wife used it as an opportunity to express her desires, which was to have sex with men she thought were 'real men.' It was a trade-off. At the end of the week we put our desires back into the closet. That is I dressed when she wasn't home, and she had affairs and didn't tell me about them. She knew I dressed, and I knew I was being cuckolded.

Currently, I cannot dress whenever I want, although my wife would be okay with it for the most part. She wouldn't want it to become too frequent, as she often reminds me that she married a man. So, I guess I'll never find out if I am obsessed with crossdressing, although I do think about it everyday. I've always thought about it everyday, even when I was in one of my many and lengthy "not dressing" periods, even then I thought about it every day.

It is all mental, but also very much physical. When dress I become extremely submissive, and I carry around with me a little bomb of sexual desire that is always ready to explode. I guess if I had the chance to dress everyday, I would dress much more frequently than I do. But then again, it could really change my life, as the submissiveness never goes away, only increases when dressed, so I would probably see a significant turn in my lifestyle, and I have no idea where that would take me. I guess I am probably more concerned about my submissive desires and where they would or could take me and what they might cause me to do, than I am with my obsessions to dress.

[AprilMae]

In my case I am fortunate that self acceptance was never a problem. I've never wanted to become a woman, or to even go out and try to pass as one. I guess for me dressing is an artistic outlet of sorts. I enjoy seeing the various combinations of clothing items, coordinating the colors, the styles,my moods all into a total picture. I love the way a simple thing like a pair of shoes or some jewelry can totally change a look. Also sometimes its just more comfortable to wear a skirt or a big sweater and leggings. But for a lot of girls out there, their dressing is part of way more complex things and I admire their struggles in understanding it, and trying to gt others to understand them.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Marla

You raise some very good points, it's a very good thread. I don't know about other people, but I can tell you what works for me. Self acceptance has been the key to happiness for me. It took me a lifetime to get there, but I finally made it, and I'm in a good place now.

I always had problems with who and what I was, I tried to fight it and be something I'm not, a man. I was a little girl in my earliest memories, but I didn't understand, so I tried to fit myself to society's norms in order to fit in. I desparately wanted to be "one of the guys" and be like everyone else, but I always failed miserably. It was hard for me then, there was no Internet, not to much information about this tranny business. I didn't even know what I was, so I didn't even know what to look for.

Over time, and after many battles, I figured it all out. Opening up to my wife was a big help, she showed me that I wasn't a monster or freak, but a kind, considerate, loving person. I feel good about myself now, I finally learned how to love myself, another key to success.

Personally, I just don't see a need for transition or surgery or whatever. I'm happy now, happy as is. I already feel as feminine as I can, I go out as a woman now, so I don't see where I'd gain anything by going further. In fact, I'd lose a great deal, I'd lose the wonderful closeness that my wife and I share. That's something I refuse to give up, no way. I've always felt that it takes more to being a woman than whipping out your checkbook and getting cut up. Also, I know some who have gone further, one all the way, and they're still not happy. I am, so I'm not going to mess up a good thing.
Anyway, that's what works for me. There are some who tell me that I'm not the real deal because I won't go further, but that's their problem, not mine.

GypsyKaren

[pauleen]

I for one ,am not fully acceptable of myself I have good days ,and bad ,and it is true that there are times when I wished I could dress all the time ,but I have had a couple of bad experiences with being out one was on holloween, and the other was when I was seen by a neighbor , I,m more so in the closet ,I do tell potential s/o,s of what I do some accept it some dont want anything to do with the idea, I tell them on the computer,rather than face to face I think it is better this way ,then nobody gets hurt ,or imbarrassed. I,m 38 ,and as I said before have never been out ,I have self assteem issues that I guess prevent me from being out . and I must confess that alot of my c/d has to do with a sexual nature ,afterward I shed my femme attire . I dont know where to go with this. I guess I just need more time to figure who I am , but in the mean time I will still be here ,and under my rock .

[Amelie]

I have to combine Rena's post with April Mae to get to what I think is my situation.

Like April Mae, self acceptance was never a problem. Once I knew what I was I had no problems being a girl.

But like Rena said, there are other factors working in my head that gives me problems. I have other demons to work with other than my being a girl.

Just like a GG can have problems unrelated to dressing, or clothes, I also have problems unrelated to clothes or being a girl.
And these problems have giving me many bad times.

We all might have a different spot on the CD spectrum, but we also stand on other spectrums of life, which also give us pain and confusion.

[Sarahgurl371]

Balance, yeah. Thats what I need.

The problem is that I have hidden myself, for my own reasons, for the comfort and fear of rejection from others for so long, that it all just feels bottled up now that I have admitted to myself who I am and what I like.

The problem for me currently is that this has caused such a huge issue in my life, and my wife's, that I cannot ignore it. I / we have got to figure this out together. The fate of my marraige is hanging over my head everyday, and that I cannot ignore. So do I think about dressing everday? Yes. Do I think about who I am everyday? Yes. What's the difference? The clothes are not essential, but important to allow me to visualize myself the way I wish to see me. The point is that this is in me. This is part of me, and that part needs recognition as well as the masculine side.

I still enjoy the masculine side of me. I still enjoy being a husband, and provider. But since admitting all this stuff to myself, I have found that I really enjoy the femenine side as well. So I guess I just haven't found the proper mix yet.

I responded to an earlier thread concerning the compulsive behavior that seems to be associated with this. My thought - Is it so compulsive at times because we / I feel so trapped and not able to express myself as I wish, when I wish, that whenever alone the compulsion to dress is so very strong? So yes I agree that balance / moderation is the key. But when does that pendullum swing in my favor for a while?

I so very much do not wish to be called selfish. And truly try not to be. But as this forum has showed me, perception is reality.

Self acceptance - thats a whole other ball of wax. Quick question - If I / we accept myself / ourselves for who I / we are, how can I / we live in a situation were to be myself / ourself is unacceptable? Maybe the answer to that will help me find that balance.

[AprilMae]

I wonder for those who are out to our sposes if the compulsiveness will subside, especially for those of us whose spouses either approve or at lest don't condemn it.

[julimac2003]

Very good thread Marla well structured and well thought out with a very balanced view of different perspectives on the gender spectrum.
I have enjoyed reading every ones take on where they are at and as one of the oldies I have grown to accept who I am and take the opportunities to express Julies outward persona as and when they become available, that is not to say that my mind isn't constantly analyzing and trying to behave in a more feminine than masculine way. I wouldn't say I was comfortable as a male but maybe like a lot of others I have learned over the years that I have to accept the two different personalities that I am and try to integrate both so as to be at least reasonably comfortable in the way I live and present myself.
So I guess what has to be has to be?
Love Julie

[Sarahgurl371]

I wonder for those who are out to our sposes if the compulsiveness will subside, especially for those of us whose spouses either approve or at lest don't condemn it.


Not to Hijack Marla's thread, but that is one of the things that I hoped to accomplish by telling my wife.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Marla,

I see many examples of "girls" here who seem to go out of their way to try and prove to others just how really feminine they are, though. Humm......interesting you should perceive it this way. Do you think that perhaps it's a bit of male competitive spirit coming through?


Self acceptance is the first step. There is no way anyone else can accept you until you first accept yourself. It's not a difficult thing to do. Phew! speak for yourself, but I found this a tremendously difficult thing to do. It wasn't until after I had been married to an accepting and participating wife for two years was I able to come close....but then again, maybe that's just me.

I do agree with you that cding can get a bit obsessive and then this leads to feelings of "I shouldn't be doing this". I get the same feelings with alcohol :p

[Tanya13]

Try to keep everything in perspective...altough it's hard at times...in balance...tanya

[Helana]

I wonder for those who are out to our sposes if the compulsiveness will subside, especially for those of us whose spouses either approve or at lest don't condemn it.

Yes it does become less compulsive if you are in an accepting environment where you can freely dress at any time. Then your dressing becomes what it should always have been - an expression of how you feel at that moment in time.

Personally I find that my femininity ebbs and flows from month to month. Sometimes I feel sexy and alive and like to dress a lot, other times I am focused on my job etc and I am more driven and somber and dont dress at all.
There also seems to be a natural cycle as if my moods are affected by the seasons.

At the end of the day, just remember that it is never a healthy thing to repress a natural part of your personality. The more you bottle it up the greater the tension will build up inside you and the more unhappy you will be.

[TGMarla]

There have been a lot of varied responses, which illustrates that sliding scale I mentioned in the beginning here. Everyone's path is a bit different, and self-acceptance is at any time more difficult to achieve for some than it is for others. I'm not trying to place myself on some pedestal as a shining example of how this balance is achieved or how to gain self acceptance, either. I deal with many of the same issues that we all do. But there are some issues that I've put to bed, too. That has helped. For instance, I no longer worry about what God thinks of crossdressing. God doesn't care. It's not a sin, and I'm not going to Hell for it. What a ridiculous notion! This frees my mind in the way that if God can accept it, why not me? Another thing that has helped is that I finally came to the conclusion a few years back that I'm not transexual, and that I do not need to physically change genders in order for me to enjoy the feminine part of myself. That, too, is a great relief. When cares such as these can be laid to rest, gaining an acceptance of yourself as a crossdresser is much easier. It is always with me, but it's not the overwhelming obsession it once was. And that makes it all easier, too.

[RenaCD]

Marla once again a very great thread one of the best! Your on a part of the road that many have past and many have yet to come to. Some may not ever get there or may take a different path, I do appreciate your thoughts and look forward to reading more. If only one person on this forum can say that there happy it's a start, Thankfully it's helping the masses and most important ME. And it is All About Me!!

Thanks Again Marla
Rena

[KathrynW]

Hi Marla,
Humm......interesting you should perceive it this way. Do you think that perhaps it's a bit of male competitive spirit coming through?

There ya go....
the "I've got the balls to be more feminine than you do..." syndrome. ;)

[joni-alice]

good reading while I was printing up some stuff.
True self-acceptance might be delusional. We change every day -- and while we might not like something, we haven't offed ourself yet. As Amelie said, we all have our singular devils...
I'm alone, so I put on my skirts and feel good a lot. Like em better than pants I say. As for male-female sides, they are there all the time, whatever I am wearing. Whatever that means.
During my perusing I recalled a saying somewhere about "don't analyze, utilize."
There was also someone who's not worried about god anymore. Never worried about that one. If there is a god, he, she , it understands everything
even cd.
Hugs,
j-a:cool: who really can't say anything to anybody, even herhymnself

[karen marie]

beautiful post marla.
being in a supportive relationship does make it easier.
however for most of us,we still have to function to a degree
in our birth gender.work,family, socializing all come into play.
it is easy to fall into obsession,yet we eventually come to under-
stand that obsession of any kind can be self destructive.each one
of us must find that medium where we are comfortable with ourselves
and who we are.it certainly isn't easy,but with patience it is attainable.
karen.

[KellyT]

Thankfully, I have a very supportive wife, who has been wonderful to me since I came out in December. She seems very accepting, of everything but losing her husband for good. I still have issues with my identity however, and issues talking about it. With anyone. Even my wife.

(off to the loony bin)

I came out to my wife last October. She was also very accepting. Strangely I still feel very unable to speak to her about it. I feel very guilty. Yesterday I dressed fully for the first time ever, with wig and make up etc. Today I felt so guilty as I'd still done it when my wife had been away. I took photos which I posted here and then promptly deleted in case she came across them. I feel a weight of society's expectations and peer pressure that has been bearing down on me for 36 years. When I was four I dressed at my playgroup in a nurses outfit. I got shouted at by the play leader. Before that moment I had never thought of dressing up in something you feel good in as wrong. I still don't but since then I have gone to great lengths to appear macho. I've got tatoos, usually wear stubble and would probably appear as very masculine. I am getting more accepting of myself. I used to put on items of my mothers or girlfriends clothes and satisfy myself sexually. I then used to go through feelings of disgust. I used to look at other people in the street and wish I was normal (whatever that is). I just hated the feelings that I couldn't express myself in the way I wanted. I never wanted to be a woman and feel my desire to wear feminine clothing and makeup is just an expression of a gentle, caring and artistic side of me. Unfortunately, everywhere I go I am bombarded with images and identities of the man I should be - I probably feel this more than it actually exists because I feel I can never live up to this.

I'm very lucky now to have a loving caring wife who is supportive and whatever happens I feel she will always be there for me

[Sweet Susan]

I came out to my wife last October. She was also very accepting. Strangely I still feel very unable to speak to her about it. I feel very guilty. Yesterday I dressed fully for the first time ever, with wig and make up etc. Today I felt so guilty as I'd still done it when my wife had been away. I took photos which I posted here and then promptly deleted in case she came across them.

You have expressed very well what I often feel. I know what you say is real.

[womanatheart]

Dear Marla and others,
Great post. Thought provoking post. Revealing. Deep. Valued. I sat on it all day before I replied. (not that my reply is thought provoking!!!)
Sexuality is something I know I (an maybe my generation) have had trouble dealing with. (well documented: Kinsey reports etc) Name it: church, religion, society, family, school, norms etc. I have found probably the # 1 problem in my marriage deals with sexual.ity. Not that it is not functioning but just reasonable openness and discussing it. It is a real need. (if you dont think so, just ignore it in a marriage and see the problems arise) (Problem #2 is probably $) Now - add Crossdressing on the table and you have doubled, tripled the confusion/difficulty to this generation. And that is what I (and maybe many others) face.
I really feel the pain of my other sisters here and appreciate them sharing it. In my heart I feel like a woman; soft, gentle, caring, drawn to feminity. But, in the same degree I realize I am a man, expected not to be soft, caring, wearing womens clothes, etc. So goes the struggle.
What a conflict! What is the answer? Sorry I dont have it. Maybe find a middle road. Balance? Heaven to those that find an understanding mate!I
One thing I do know.
1) I have tried to stop cding and have come back. I have realized it is in my for some reason. I have cut in half my self torture by accepting the cd pert of my life. Why am I a cder? I know not. Is it accepted by society? No. Am I going to fight society? No. Am I going to enjoy those moments when I am cding? Very much so. Even if it is only a minute or an hour or a day.
2) Will I ask God about it? I certainly want to. :angel:

Love,
Stephanie