Unsure if I am doing the right thing

[Melanie Z]

So, I woke up this morning with strong second thoughts about what I am doing with regards to my CDing. Right now I am not sure that I really want to get more involved with it. It's been easy to say I am okay with it - words are cheap.

I still don't think that I could quit, but I kind of feel a purge may be coming. I've never done that before, but at the moment a large part of me really wishes it would just go away. Even though my SO is marginally accepting, I am afraid of what the future reprecussions could be for our marriage. What's more, I am not feeling like I could ever be open with anyone else about it; it's just not something I want people to associate with me. Maybe that means I'm in denial about part of who I am, but at the moment I really don't care. Again, I talk a good game about loving myself for who I am, but putting that into practice is really hard. Talk is cheap.

Very confused today. :sad:

[Eringirl]

Hi Melanie:

Welcome to the ebb and flow that many experience. You have to do what you are comfortable with. My suggestion is not to purge but to pack it away....having gone through ebbs and flows, it never permanently goes away, but sometimes takes a hiatus...

Erin

[Gypsy Sam]

Second the motion by Eringirl. Hundreds of postings here verify purging was regretted as course of action. There is a spectrum of people that desire to present as female only moderately to full time. Some receive psychological comfort, while others use female attire for sexual expression. Don't ask don't tell (DADT) works for alot of people who spouse knows, but prefers not to be confronted. Live once and adapt to the situation.

[Samantha Clark]

I can completely relate to you. It's hard to accept this part of ourselves and can sometimes be a struggle.

Purging clothes won't resolve anything or make the urge to dress go away forever. Hang in there and know that others share your feelings.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You have those thoughts today, but today is only one day. What's to say you won't feel better about all things tomorrow? I'm not trying to make you continue crossdressing if that's not what you want to do, but we all have shit days whether we're CDs or not.

If you have problems with guilt, self esteem, and worries about your marriage, of course you're wise to pull back, protect yourself, take a breath.

You're ok. It's all ok. Having problems loving ourselves isn't you, it's the human condition.

That purge is going to hit you in the pocket, but if it's what you need to do to take a breath, then so be it.

[Katey888]

Familiar story here Melanie... :)

You might need a break from it - it might go away completely.... or not... It went away for years for me, but came back - although it probably doesn't for everyone (yeah - everyone here! But that's a bit of a skewed sample really as we wouldn't be here if it didn't...) - so whatever you do, DON'T dump your stuff... Box it up, lock it in a truck, wrap it in packing tape, bury it in the garden... whatever... but just in case you wanted it in the future... :)

This IS a weird thing we do - self-acceptance for many of us takes decades... it's not easy, but it is worth it... so pack it for a while, do something else, maybe it will go, maybe not... most of us girls will be here after, whatever you decide... ;)

Katey x

[Adriana Moretti]

I think we all here have made the exact same post on this forum ....difference is...this topic is pretty valid. We go up, we go down...but as stated earlier, it never goes away....so dont throw your stuff out...tuck it away....and go watch some football, beat your chest and grab your crotch if thats what your feeling ...eventually the feelings will come back....and you will figure it all out and where you stand on the cd scale. As far as being open about it...how open do you really need to be? What good comes of telling others besides your wife? There def are certain people in life that should know...but in all honesty not too many need to know...remember...this is fun and something you enjoy.. try and keep it that way.

[kimdl93]

This is not a contest. You don't have to do anything or impress anyone else. Dress or do not dress...and be as private as you wish. There is nothing wrong with solitary pursuits. But look beneath your misgivings to see if what your are really feeling is self loathing. Doubt and reservations and denial are in some sense masks for the self hatred we often have buried just beneath the surface.

[Melanie Z]

This is not a contest. You don't have to do anything or impress anyone else. Dress or do not dress...and be as private as you wish. There is nothing wrong with solitary pursuits. But look beneath your misgivings to see if what your are really feeling is self loathing. Doubt and reservations and denial are in some sense masks for the self hatred we often have buried just beneath the surface.

Well, I never thought of it as one, believe me! If you're saying that becuse of my thread in the gallery, well, I was a little afraid that connection would be made. The thing for me is actually that part of me would really like to go out and, you know, let people see me, but if I were ever to do that, I want to do it well. Another part of me is very very afraid of that idea.

I felt pretty much fine when I went to sleep, but when I woke up to face Monday, with the bright white light reflecting inside off the snow, it kind of caused me to take a stark view of what I was getting into, and I felt a little freaked out. Some time to think has helped - I'm not going to throw anything out, I think I just need to take a step back and not move too fast.

Thanks everyone for your posts, you've helped me feel not so alone in this.

[Alice Torn]

Melanie, I have thought and felt the same way much of the time. I used to go out in public about four or five times a year, but have become less confident and am fearful. Many difficult things have happened in my life the past five years, and my plate is quite full of issues. But, like all said, don't throw all your lady stuff away. I see you are also in the midwest U.S. With these bone chilling bitter, extreme cold temperatures, in November , so early, I dont blame anyone for not wanting to go out in a dress and heels!! It is DANGEROUSLY COLD, WITH CHILL TEMPS WELL BELOW ZERO! I can see only under dressing, UNDER layers of warm clothing. I have heard that this winter may be colder than last year's record cold, and it is six weeks ahead of schedule! I would not blame anyone for staying home, in this brutal cold, and wind.

[Jennifer Devine]

Only you know how you feel so do whatever feels right and feels comfortable for you and keep it as private as you need to.
Before i purged 3 years ago, it was common knowledge in my hometown that i dressed as a woman because i put it on MySpace and Facebook and i was way too open about it and a bit naive in thinking that everyone would be ok with it.
Now i have been dressing again for about 2-3 months and after a bit of hindsight, i am not so open about it as i was and only talking about it on here and on a private LGBT Aspergers group on Facebook.
Not even my parents know i am dressing again.

So its ok to keep it just between you and your wife if thats how you want it as like me, your feminine side is just a minor part of who you are.
And you may be surprised as to how many people would be accepting of you but then everyone is different in the way they think.

[Ashley84]

i don't think you should purge. i mean in the moment it feels good, like your washing your hands clean of it.
however those feeling don't go away for long. eventually you will get the urge, and instead of fighting it you will want to embrace it.
then you have to start all over again, buying clothes, shoes, wigs, ect

im not trying to tell you how to live your life. ultimately no one can tell you what to do with your life.
however i suggest you don't purge, rather pack it up, and put it somewhere safe.
then in a couple weeks or so if you still feel that way then sure go ahead & get rid of it.
that my personal opinion anyways

[suchacutie]

If I can reword some thoughts, I would suggest you do an "internal purge". That is, seriously pack your stuff away where it is not easy to get to, not easy but certainly possible. If you have a femme self, it's not going to go away, and your SO is going to realize this, especially if you vocalize that part of you even when you are en homme. I'm sure there is a part of you that does some activities, and have some ideas, that are generally considered a part of the feminine arsenal. Let those come to the surface, and I'm sure your SO will appreciate that she can relate to those parts of you, especially as your relationship matures. When your femme self returns (not if!), she will have matured as well in the interim.

[Annaliese]

Don't purge, store.

[Savannah_Skye]

I have survived a few purges (lost a really awesome dress:sad:) and been up the famous de-Nile river and to be honest, it wasn't worth it as it just led to feeling out of control. What I try is reminding myself the dressing is an expression of who I am (not something perverse), honestly considering if its hurts my marriage or job (nope!), exploring those deeper feelings (like I purged b/c I was really anxious that I could lose my way-more-accepting-than-me wife) and of course talking to others, such as those here! It just takes a little patience and maybe a little pixie dust:) but purging and guilt don't really help. Not sure this will help, but lots of us have been there and we're not alone.

[melanie206]

There is no crossdressing or fem feeling standard or timetable you must abide by and not all feelings must be acted upon. Be kind to yourself and take a break if that eases your anxiety. And remember that nearly all of the fear and negativity we feel is connected with what others might think of us and though that is part of our reality we should question how much it should influence our happiness in the longer term. Great name by the way.

[Teresa]

Melanie, at your age don't worry too much about, if it comes and goes !
One thing is it's not going away so don't purge, especially if your partner is OK with it !

Your reply commenting on the snow reminded me of a morning I felt like not bothering and instead got fully dressed under my snow gear even forms and took the dog for a walk, it ended up being a great day with the sun glinting off the snow, saying good morning to people, and them possibly wondering if I had boobs or not !!

[CynthiaD]

You don't have to purge or store. Just don't dress up for a while. If the urge doesn't hit you, then stay in drab. If it does hit you, your clothes are right there.

[DonnaT]

If you can afford buying all new things and won't miss what you have now, then purge if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Otherwise, store it away if you can't afford the cost when the urge returns.

[Vikky]

Hi Melanie
The word is it doesn't go away, and in my case has been around for 50 years, completely under wraps until about a year ago. I haven't felt the urge to purge in that time, but have had feelings of guilt, but let them pass for a few days, focus on something else and it all comes back again.

What's more, I am not feeling like I could ever be open with anyone else about it; it's just not something I want people to associate with me.

I can totally relate to this. There are times I want to tell everyone and go out dressed, go to events and functions en femme, be a woman, but it would have a drastic effect on my life - marriage, friends, associates etc so have to keep stum. This makes me feel guilty and underhand, as if nobody knows the real me.

Take a breather, store your stuff and see what happens and I really hope this helps.

Vikky

[angelfire]

My attitude on purging is this: generally, we go back to it. So put it in a box and out of sight/out of mind, and if/when the need returns, you aren't starting from scratch and spending more money, or losing things you like. Crossdressing is expensive enough on it's own, having to restart every so often makes it even more so.

As for not wanting people to associate that with you, I get it. I've been there. And I personally found that making friends who you deal with exclusively while dressed, or meet people who already know you dress before you meet (reveal online). This way when you meet them, you already generally know how they are going to react. That is just how they know you, so there is no "thinking differently of you", it is just how they've always known you. Worked for me, but it is different for everybody.

[Tina B.]

Purging is just another excuse to buy a lot of new and expense stuff, because sooner or later you will want it all back. But if you can afford the shopping why not do it?
Seriously it's your life and if purging will make you feel better about who you are, do it, it can all be replaced if it is ever needed again.

[Amy Lynn3]

I agree with other comments. Don't throw your cloths away, but store them someplace, even if you must rent. It cost lots of money to replace clothing and as others have indicated, the urge to crossdress will return.

[IdahoPanty]

Store them. I only purge those items which are worn out or way out of size for me.

[Angie G]

What ever you do do not purge put it in storage. You very well may need it later on down the road.:hugs:
Angie

[Trishpdxcd2]

Melanie,

We all have the same feelings at times. I am still very closeted and it is more difficult as time goes on. I think that this aspect of my life just doesn't make sense with everything else. Yet, I love this part and can't imagine stopping.

[Jennifer_Ph]

I have come to the conclusion that I am a waist down crossdresser. I really am not all that into wigs, makeup, fake boobs, passing. I just love the clothes. Skirts, hose, heels mostly. I've been wearing pantyhose openly with shorts everywhere for about 15 years. Slowly I've added a skirt into the equation. Even slower, sometimes heels. But it's tough. I am working to the attitude of it's just clothing, wear what you want, to hell with what people may think. My wife, friends, and family all could give a rats butt about the pantyhose. Sometimes they'll rib me about it, but in good fun. When I wear a skirt it's ok, but more in your face out of the ordinary. The heels put people over the top, it's too much. I'm happy to openly wear hosiery, my real favorite in the womens department. I take it in small steps, and keep taking those steps. It's weird to say that I am more comfortable when I wear what I WANT to wear even though it's 'unacceptable.' The stress of the acceptance is less than the pleasure of the clothing. I haven't really helped here, but maybe there is a word or two of wisdom wrapped up here somewhere.

[Beverley Sims]

Melanie,
A purge usually occurrs after you have found another interest, a new friend.
Just enjoy the new friend until the novelty wears off and put your stash in a plastic bag for when the urge returns.

[ReineD]

What's more, I am not feeling like I could ever be open with anyone else about it; it's just not something I want people to associate with me. Maybe that means I'm in denial about part of who I am, but at the moment I really don't care.

There are real consequences for most of us socially when people know. A few fortunate individuals in this forum don't experience this, they have friends and family who are supportive. I don't know why this is so for some people and not others. There are lots of variables: the area in which they live, the security they have in their jobs against gender discrimination, how liberal-minded their friends and family are, etc. I think that most people would be accepting on the surface and by this I mean they would continue to say hello. But how do they feel privately? Isha conducted an interesting experiment in a mall while shopping. She went in several stores and interacted with successive SAs, and a GG friend walked into the stores shortly after Isha left to observe their reactions. You should look up that thread.

Anyway, the idea that most CDers can be truly and widely accepted, I believe, is utopian. I don't think that our society is there yet. But, if you can bring yourself to the point where you don't care then it won't matter. If you have a supportive wife and a few friends who like to do things with you dressed, and if your work is not threatened and your kids are OK with it at home and OK with having their friends know, that's all that matters, really.

Whatever you do, don't throw away your stuff if you decide to take a break. Pack it up and put it in the attic. If in five years the box is still unopened, then go ahead and get rid of it. And if you do decide to step away for awhile, be sure to tell your wife that you are on a break but you don't know if it will last. It's OK to tell her that you struggle with society's and her ambivalent feelings about the CDing and you don't like feeling like an outlier. It would be a mistake to have your wife believe that you are resolved to stop forever, since you do not and cannot know this until you've not dressed for awhile.