So it is hopeless!

[Anne Elizabeth]

I don't want to hijack the thread reverse therapy so this post.

I have read it for years on this forum. I have read it for years in books. I have spent the last 4 years with a counselor. I have heard it form others. But daxxit how do I put this aside?

Even in the recent book thread someone said something about reading many books and that was akin to trying to find a way out or it was it justification. I know I have spent the last 5 years working on this and finding myself and I am constantly trying to find a solution to putting my life back on the old track. However, all I ever hear is that it won't work. I know it is my life and I can choose to get off at the next station but what I hear, read and feel is it won't work.
Somewhere, some when, some how through hard mental work I could make it. However, I hear that I would be the lucky one if I could make it. More that likely somewhere, somehow somewhen I will self destruct. God what a pain in the mind and body and axx. Why? Why me? What makes me so special? I just want my old life back!!!

[becky77]

It's poop aint it!

The same question could be put of all the people with disability or a terminal disease, we have this life and you live it the best way you can. It isn't a given you will self destruct, perhaps you will continue to endure, everyone is different, your path is not the same as mine. But being Trans is who you are and that's going no where, all you have control over is how you deal with it.

All my life I felt hopeless, transition has given me a light at the end of the tunnel. It's tough, very very tough but there is hope where there wasn't before, sometimes you can't see it but it's there.

All the best.

[GabbiSophia]

I have written this exact thing many times here. I want nothing more than to put my life back.. but do I really? Do you?

It was put like this to me. Do you want to go back to the lies? The constant hiding? Feeling like something is wrong all the time? The self destruction?

I have to Remer this whenever I think about going back. I have said no to going back. Though with that said i have said i will go forward how i want. That is my new journey now. How to go forward on the path I want.

My understanding of all this is that we all have the issue per say but a total and individual exp with how we deal. I know in my case that all and everything always leads back to the same place. I for one hate it but I want to live life. Though this doesn't mean I am still fighting to go at Mt pace and be me.

good luck and i get it

[MonicaJean]

No, I don’t want to go back, ever. It was beyond awful. The flip side is the moving forward can be painful in very different ways. But, the walls of pain don’t last forever. If anything I’m learning is that don’t dwell on things too long. Make an informed decision, enact that decision (where the pain points usually exist), then live it out.

You may never get your old life back, yet making the new one can be better, and most often times is better.


I have written this exact thing many times here. I want nothing more than to put my life back.. but do I really? Do you?

It was put like this to me. Do you want to go back to the lies? The constant hiding? Feeling like something is wrong all the time? The self destruction?

[Annaliese]

Any one can change there habit, and act different to how you are. For me this in not a Habit, it not a chose, it how I am. One can't change who they are, you can chose to act different, one can be in denial of who they are, it changes noting. When I was in denial I was not a happy person, sad all the time, since I have accepted this is how I am, I am a much happier person, that does not mean, all is good in my life, accepting who you are does not change the challenges that we have, it only change the attitude towards those challenges.

[LeaP]

It's only hopeless if it is hopeless as the saying goes. That is, you either find a way to cope or else transition. The other version you hear all the time is don't transition unless you have to.

I'm not sure if I was the one to which you referred in the books thread, but if so, my comment did not pertain to action, whether construed as putting your life back together or transitioning. Rather, it was that the perception of your sex (a phrase that I am coming to see as more accurate than the term "gender") is not a product of conscious thought or manipulation. You cannot think your way into it or out of it. What you do – or have to do – about whatever that is is another thing entirely.

In my opinion, dysphoria is the driver pushes you to resolve … the dysphoria! What happens when the dysphoria is gone or under control is far more interesting.

[arbon]

Why? Why me? What makes me so special?

Well, why not you?

Anyway, you really want your old life back stop hanging out on transgender sites or having anything to do with it, focus on that man life. Purge all your womens cloths. Push all this nonsense out of your mind, or at least into the furtherest corner you can and forget about it. You'll be fine.

[Nigella]

Arbon you forgot to add, besides we will be here when you come back :)

Anne, no-one can tell you how it will be for you, you have to make your own choices, based on what you think is right for you. A true TS will eventually realise that everything that went before the "realisation" was a false representation. Read the stories behind the ladies on this site, I bet you 99% asked why me?

As Arbon has said, if this is not you, then try to move away from the TG community, get some therapy and move on with the life you believe is yours.

[Jennifer_Ph]

If I could find the off switch I'd flip it, duct tape it, super glue it, anything to keep it off.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

If you could pick who you were before you were born, that would make you special...

You are not special except in one way, the same way everyone is special..i know what i'm saying...I felt the same way...this happens to other people..this can't be happening to ME...I am not a transsexual...that's not possible...on and on..
.but like me, you are just like any other human being filled with gifts and issues, strengths and weakness, and with a singular precious identity that is yours alone to experience.

You cannot control it. It just is..its nature...its your nature... do with it what you will... you are expressing things in terms of hopelessness, but that's too general and not constructive...if you need to do something learn to cope without feeling helpless...
right now that feeling of hopeless IS the problem..

what is your quality of life? what can you do to improve it? what is holding you back from improving it? what can you do differently over the next five years to feel better???
These are messy prickly detailed questions..they are hard to answer...the answers might be scary or not what you want...it takes work....perhaps you've been doing some of this for the past five years but so far its only got you to right here, right now......its easier to howl at the moon but it won't get you anywhere..

You can do anything you set your mind to do....there are dozens of people that are here right now that are living proof

[Rianna Humble]

I am constantly trying to find a solution to putting my life back on the old track. However, all I ever hear is that it won't work. I know it is my life and I can choose to get off at the next station but what I hear, read and feel is it won't work.

You must not hear what nearly everyone in these forums is saying then. Don't transition unless you have to. If there is anything more important to you than being whole, don't transition.

At the moment, from what you write, I would say that holding on to your old life is more important to you than being congruent, so don't transition.

Go back to playing the role of a man. If you succeed, we would stand by and cheer, except that you won't come back to let us know.

Thee are plenty of people out there who manage to live with Gender Dysphoria for prolonged periods. However, if it does get to the stage where you need to transition, don't let anything stand in your way.

[Angela Campbell]

I'm not clear exactly what you are talking about so may I ask a few questions?

1 are you a transexxual? I don't mean someone who wants to be a woman, or who wants to be in the middle somewhere. Are you a woman? A TS is a woman. Plain and simple. She knows it usually from birth but eventually from therapy, and will either eventually transition or spend a lot of time living with the misery. If you are a true transsexual, there will be a major issue with going back.

2. Have you transitioned? Living full time, everyone knowing? Name, work, everything? Or are you in the beginnings, middle, or not started yet? What are you trying to "put aside? Is it gender dysphoria? or something permanent you have already done?

3 When you say you can "make it" what are you talking about exactly? What have you lost that you so want to get back?

[MsVal]

It's a common story; the soldier, injured at war, returns home. Through professional help and his own spirit, the soldier lives a full, productive, and most importantly, happy life, despite the missing limb(s).

If those wounded warriors can accept their own reality and live life to the best of their ability, shouldn't we too?

That question is directed more to myself than anyone else.

Best wishes
MsVal

[kimdl93]

Anne, it's your life. What you read or hear are not immutable forces. They are experiences of others. But we are a diverse lot. As others have already said, you may choose to focus on living a male life, attempt a balance of genders or, if you're Tsh you may need for transition to survive. None of these choices come with a guarantee of success or happiness. You pretty much have to make the best choice you can at the moment, live with it a while and see how it's working for you.

[Anne Elizabeth]

That is part of the problem I can not seem to be able to set everything aside. Just when I think I have a handle on it it comes back.

That is just it Rianna nothing is more important than being whole. And, unfortunately I don't believe I can set it aside and man up, funny those are the exact words my wife used. Man up.

[DebbieL]

I don't want to hijack the thread reverse therapy so this post.
You pose a great question, deserves discussion. All I can do is share my own experience.


I have read it for years on this forum. I have read it for years in books. I have spent the last 4 years with a counselor. I have heard it form others. But daxxit how do I put this aside?
It's possible, but it's VERY DANGEROUS! I started to transition is 1989. At that time, i had finally seen a qualified therapist who realized that i was a type 6 transsexual. Quite simply, if i didn't transition, there was a very high probability that I would die relatively young. I started seeing a therapist, did all the assignments, and was living all BUT work as Debbie. I was seriously considering transition at work and had an employer who would be supportive.

Then my ex-wife hit me with an ultimatum. I could either stop transition, or she would take the letter written by a social worker in her church, and deliver it to a judge in her church, and I would never see the kids again, or have contact with them, but I would still have to pay her and her husband half my after-tax income as child support and "day care". Within 6 months after I quit dressing, I started gaining weight. Within 2 years my weight had almost doubled. I had a heart attack, and a few years later, a stroke. Because i had stopped caring - about my appearance, my health, my blood pressure, any of it. I wasn't going to commit suicide, but I wasn't going to extend the misery any longer than i had to.

Aborting transition is similar to the experience I felt when I hit puberty and started growing hair, my voice dropped, i got too tall, and my feet got big. At that point in my life, my self destruct mechanism took the form of booze and drugs - at age 14 I started drinking and drugging at least 2 nights a week, and often more. I usually combined booze, pot, antihistamines, and Valium (misdiagnosed epilepsy) to put myself into black-outs where I would either end up with my head between someone's legs, or would verbally castrate enough men to make all of them want to kill me and anyone I was with. The only reason I was invited to parties was because I had the ability to match the girls to the boys in about 10 minutes and the matches seemed to make all of the guests happy.

Of course, on the week-ends that I did not party, I usually got loaded by myself and "went for a walk" - about 4 miles down a dark, poorly lit, curvy road, 4 lanes wide, and I'd play "matador" - trying to touch the cars with my coat - while I was wearing it.

The only reason i even considered aborting transition was because my ex-wife's new husband was physically and verbally abusive to my son, and my ex-wife was abusive to my daughter. I needed to be able to step in if necessary. It almost turned ugly when I tried to GIVE my kids a computer so they could access the Internet from home. As it was, I had to move to the NYC area for work and when I did come to visit, my ex would insist that the kids' schedule was "booked solid" - often inviting her mother to come up from Florida the same week I was there, then claiming that she took priority over me. She would grudgingly give me 2 hours, during which i could buy them dinner. That was 2 hours out of an entire WEEK!

My kids knew about Debbie and were very supportive, but Leslie still had the resources she needed to get my visitation revoked, and maybe even get a restraining order. Because I was "Debbie"


Even in the recent book thread someone said something about reading many books and that was akin to trying to find a way out or it was it justification. I know I have spent the last 5 years working on this and finding myself and I am constantly trying to find a solution to putting my life back on the old track. However, all I ever hear is that it won't work. I know it is my life and I can choose to get off at the next station but what I hear, read and feel is it won't work.

If you had just spent 10 years in prison, and then got out, would you voluntarily go back even though you had not committed a crime?


Somewhere, some when, some how through hard mental work I could make it. However, I hear that I would be the lucky one if I could make it. More that likely somewhere, somehow somewhen I will self destruct. God what a pain in the mind and body and axx. Why? Why me? What makes me so special? I just want my old life back!!![/QUOTE]

You should plan on creating a really solid support structure if you are serious about aborting. When I aborted, I went to 12 step meetings almost every day, i assisted at Landmark Education (leadership and transformation programs) almost every week-end, and I STILL needed a therapist to deal with some of the inner conflict. And even with all of those extreme measures, doing what I could, I ended up morbidly obese, getting an angiogram, and doing so under a DNR order. I also had a DNR order when I had my stroke.

If you are a true transsexual, suffering from severe Gender Dysphoria - the prognosis for continuing in your birth gender is not good. High suicide attempt rates, self-destructive behaviors, and loss of motivation can all be devastating. Often, sever Gender Dysphoria can trigger severe situational depression - often misdiagnosed as clinical depression.

Too often, for many of us, we have to "die" to transition, and we have to "die" to abort. We "die" to transition because we often have to accept the loss of family, friends, wives, children, community. Some of us have to move to cities where we have legal protection, where medical care is available, and where there is a supportive community. We "die" to abort transition because we have to give up our most powerful hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals, motivations, our self esteem, our security, our ambitions, and our selves, which makes it very hard to do the right things even if you know you should.

I remember when my mother was 63. She had just been told by her doctor that she had post-polio syndrome. When she was 8 years old she'd caught scarlet fever and then got polio. She had reached the point where she could barely turn her head and was having difficulty talking. Her parents took her 60 miles to Denver where they gave her a treatment similar to Warm Springs - but using a small swimming pool and epsom salts. They also had to move her, which was painful. Eventually, to free her from the braces, they moved the muscles from her big toes to her little toes.

When her pulmanologist told her "you have emphysema" and if you quit smoking you might have 5 years, but if not, you'll have 2 years. She didn't smoke as much, because it hurt too much, but she continued to smoke - hoping that her lungs would give out before her legs did. Unfortunately, it was a race to the bitter end, and there were days when she would be in agony from the PPS. Other days, she couldn't even breathe enough to smoke.

You are 56 now. When can you finally be yourself? When you are 66? 76? 86? How about 96 years old? Or will you end up in the nursing home and the staff refuse to let you put on your pretty girl clothes.

Got a faith in an after-life? How does spending eternity in a body you hate sound?

Hoping for reincarnation? if you KNEW you would come back as a girl, with full memories of how much you wanted to be a girl, would you want to wait 30 more years?

Or maybe you're just a cross-dresser, an alpha male who likes to look pretty on the odd week-end - in which case, ignore all of the above.

[PretzelGirl]

I won't repeat what everyone has said about not transitioning unless you have to. But I will say, once you make the decision you have to, embrace it, own it. Who you are runs deep and you have to let it out to be happy. Not embracing it is like subtly holding yourself back. If you know your life is forward, go forward with energy and intent. Your attitude and happiness will be greater if you move in a path you totally accept as opposed to feeling like you wish you were never confronted with this.

[Anne Elizabeth]

I guess that my feeling of hopeless is that I know what I need to do but maybe the final admission to my self is still looming and I am trying to still fight it but by all logical reasoning it just doesn't seem right. But by all feeling in the heart it seems as I need to transition. Will my life be any better? I don't know. Will my life be any worse? I don't know. It is a journey either way and during that journey I have to make decisions I don't want to but need to. I imagine everybody has to do that. Just when I thought I was on top of most of my life I was forced to address this one issue in my life. Forced probably was not the correct word. Because I knew all along that I needed to and in reality had been addressing it all along. What confuses me is that
A. Did I think I should have been a girl because that first time I wore womens clothes it felt fun and exciting. Or did it feel fun and exciting because back when I was 5 it felt right in my mind that I should be this way.

B. Did I feel that I should have been a girl back in first grade because I felt they had it easy and did not get into trouble and it seemed like I always was doing something wrong. Or is it because in my mind I just felt I should be a girl.

C. Did I secretly wear female clothes because I liked it and wanted to escape my male life, maybe become someone else? Or did I secretly wear female clothes because It felt right in my mind?

D. Did I secretly wear female clothes because I was always trying to escape some type of conflict? Or did I secretly wear female clothes because my mind was telling me that this is who I really am.

E. Did I secretly wear Female clothes to eliminate stress and take myself away from my current life? O did I secretly wear female clothes because it eliminates stress and that elimination of stress came from my mind because I felt correct in myself when dressed as a female and trying to hide the male.

I want everyone to know that I know it is not just about the clothes. But. that has been the strongest force in my life the clothes always made me feel right. I just keep having that nagging feeling that I am trying to escape things by transitioning.

You see I also so much want to not get a divorce, I so much want to have my wife in my life as a friend and companion but to continue I have to man up and that is where I come from the self destruct. I don't think I can do it. I haven't been able to all my life why could I do i now?

Help me with this. Are some of these feelings similar to your experiences?

[Inna]

every mountain climber does climb with vigor and pursuit of the pinnacle at hand yet so out of reach. There are those who attempt and fail, there are those who settle on dream it self, and then there are those who climb until it is done.
None of those people are an better then the other, the difference is the pain within, the insecurity to prove to them selves that they can, that life without this climb would be unfulfilled.

However, at the end of all these paths lies the ground, back down where it all started, even the one who has achieved the plateau of the highest peak must then climb down to the reality of life down below.

I am the one who at first tried to make a shortcut, and bypass all the sweat and tears, and end it all right there and then. Well, as you see, I am still here writing these here words. I was spared.

And as I had climbed the highest peak I also realized that transition isn't confined into bodily/corporeal transformation, but there is another, deeper side, that of spiritual transition.

This is were the real transformation does take place, and as I understand, this is where we become true SELF.
Only through this realm are we able to live the life after climbing down from the heights of euphoria back down to reality at hand.

Pain will never dissipate, nor will joy disappear, but we do enter the realm of truth through which we are able to feel love, for some for the first time, love of self!

[mechamoose]

Honey, you can't 'un-see' things.

You seem to have come to a realization about yourself that you can't 'un-see'.

You *can't* get the oblivious version of you back, sorry. You have seen what you have seen.

Why is that a bad thing? Life is change. Friends and companions will ride those waves out with you.

Don't try and be what you *were*, try and be what you *are*.

<3

- MM

[arbon]

Are some of these feelings similar to your experiences?

I did not want to transition, i was scared to death and held onto my male life until the pain became to great to continue living the way I was. Change was coming whether I wanted it or not.


Will my life be any better? I don't know. Will my life be any worse?

Transitioning relieved me of a lot of the suffering and inner turmoil I was experiencing. But that came with cost and sacrificing other aspects of my life. Life is better for me, but it is one bumpy ride.

[Angela Campbell]

You say it is not about the clothes, but 4 of the five points you had were about the clothes. Lets pretend everyone wears a toga all of us no difference in men and women. Also lets forget the issue of divorce for a while as if I will never be an issue.

Does your body feel and look right to you? Do you have a need to change that?


Do you enjoy the male life? Or do you wish to be as a woman in all things?

If there were no issues at all with family, job, society in general, would you have already transitioned?

Is it really fear that is stopping you, or is it doubt that you are a woman?


As for myself I was terrified of transition. I didn't act on it for so long. It also got to the point that it was going to happen whether I wanted to or not. I am very happy now with the changes. Only a few bumps in the road so far.

[kimdl93]

In reading your second post I am reminded how utterly subjective and unreliable memory can be. Feelings can leave a fairly indelible imprint, but the mind has a way of composing 'memories' that seem accurate but aren't. You are not strapped to a conveyor belt, being drawn inexorably towards transition. Don't let your mind play tricks on you with thoughts of what you think we're memories. Focus on the now, on who you are now, how you feel about yourself, your relationships, your life. If preserving your marriage is as important as you say, then you need to put your other needs and wants in perspective.

I happen to believe...and I think there are examples right here...that one can accept and accommodate ones transgenderism and accommodate ones partner. It takes thought, planning, effort and patience, but it has been done.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Anne

Transitioning is a huge step you take because it's the only step that will lead to that elusive mind/body/spirit unity thing.
Maybe you're not running away from anything so much as wanting to move to something else.

[Anne Elizabeth]

Rachael I believe that you have hit the nail on the head. The truth to be told I really feel I need to transtition. I really feel that my life will be better if I do simply and basically because I will achieve mind/body/spirit unity. I will no longer be fighting dyshporia, I will no longer be fighting should I or shouldn't I. Sure. maybe I can get off at the next station and go no further but seriously the quality of me life will not be any better. The problem is I am fighting three things in my life. Number one trying to keep a marriage, Two trying to develop a full time art career, Three trying to become my true self. I know I am forward thinking things too much but basically If I transition I lose marriage and I am skeptical that I can support myself by myself. I want it all and can't have any of it.

YOu nailed it when you said mind/body/spirit. I have so confused and lost for most of my life I just want to be ME!

[Rachel Smith]

So do you desire to stay married because you don't think you can support yourself or because you dearly love your wife? Be honest with yourself when/if you answer. Do you not think she will feel used if/when you get to a point that you can support yourself then say OK I am cashing out of this relationship now?

I have been there lied to myself and her for 27 years. It didn't end nicely.

[KellyJameson]

It constantly amazes me the power that clothing has. It can be used to build a presentation that teleports you into a completely different life.

Think of the clothes as being used to give expression to your emotional energy and the need to express and feel this energy.

You many want to read about the power and psychology of uniforms.

Crossdressing is donning a uniform to take you to another place. The question is why you want to be in this place. What do you experience and why do you desire or need this experience.

In my opinion crossdressing is not dangerous to transsexuals as that danger of distorting their gender identity but it is very dangerous to men as to those who identify as such.

In crossdressing you can find yourself through the clothes or lose yourself depending on who and what you are and where you are going or want to go because of this.

I think crossdressing can be an expression of sexuality for some. A safe way for a "straight male" to not be "so straight" by being "feminine sexually".

It is clear that for many crossdressing is highly sexed and sexual and they have an energy in them that needs the attention that presenting feminine gives them. Is it gender identity or sexual identity or both intertwined?

Sex is extremely powerful and can influence gender identity just as gender identity can influence sex. They act on each other making each difficult to understand in relation to the other.

For me there is a strong connection between my sexual energies and my gender identity. Both were created by the same mind and this mind was born to be this way in that I have always felt these particular emotional energies flowing through me.

This energy is what compelled me to transition just as it has compelled me to do many things.

It is both sexual but also something else. I think of it as my natural temperament or disposition.

It affects how I move, how I think, how I feel, what I'm interested in or not. It touches everything. All my relations including those relations that have nothing to do with people such as my relationship to nature and music.

My gender identity was born out of this energy and it also has acted on me sexually.

I am naturally seductive but have little interest in actively being the seducer. I draw those I'm interested in to me instead of moving toward them directly. It is a very indirect energy.

Words will confound you when trying to understand your actual gender identity because the identity is created out of something else long before there were words.

Gender identity comes out of something "primal" that the identity springs out of and is built on top of. it is not conscious but comes out of the deepest recesses of the individual before there was ever a sense of the self as being separate.

In my opinion it comes out of the same place sex does but is not sex but something else.

It is why sex does not define it but you can partially find and understand it by thinking about sex.

[MarieTS]

Anne, at this point I think you just have to make a choice and go for it--no looking back! If you cannot feel one hundred percent confident in transitioning dont do it. I straddled the fence too long. I should have done what I instinctively knew to be right, but I straddled the fence and in so doing only irritated my unwanted nuts instead of removing them--please forgive the gross play on words.
But at least now I can find solace knowing that this infliction gave me the assurance of who I am, and the appreciation of being female I might not have had as a born gg. I always regretted being born into the wrong bod, but soon I will be able to appreciate fully who I am. If you TR., perhaps you can share in that realization. In closing, dont just look at the negative side of Dysphoria, you'll go crazy. Instead, rejoice in the arrival of YOU!

[Kathryn Martin]

A. Did I think I should have been a girl because that first time I wore womens clothes it felt fun and exciting. Or did it feel fun and exciting because back when I was 5 it felt right in my mind that I should be this way.

B. Did I feel that I should have been a girl back in first grade because I felt they had it easy and did not get into trouble and it seemed like I always was doing something wrong. Or is it because in my mind I just felt I should be a girl.

C. Did I secretly wear female clothes because I liked it and wanted to escape my male life, maybe become someone else? Or did I secretly wear female clothes because It felt right in my mind?

D. Did I secretly wear female clothes because I was always trying to escape some type of conflict? Or did I secretly wear female clothes because my mind was telling me that this is who I really am.

E. Did I secretly wear Female clothes to eliminate stress and take myself away from my current life? O did I secretly wear female clothes because it eliminates stress and that elimination of stress came from my mind because I felt correct in myself when dressed as a female and trying to hide the male.

Do you really need us to answer those questions. I know, I know they were rhetorical. There is a lot of flirting with ideas in them, a lot of drama rolling around in your head. I think you have fallen prey to a most beloved idea. You should not transition if you have to ask these, albeit rhetorical question here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You are well served to get serious.

The questions you asked are not the important questions.

The important questions revolve simply around your nature and those questions can never be answered in an objective way... the feelings of GD you have now are what you are working with and its leading to you to consider the meaning of all those thoughts in your head.... surely your past informs your present, but you can't go back and really get the answers you seek..

what you are going through is really really hard. there is no benefit to sugar coating it. transition can be brutal for those us that are lets just say "not as young"... face up to that and see if that is more daunting than living how you are now?

I think Kathryn made a really sharp point to you. I like how she said it...have you fallen prey to a most beloved idea??? Remember that a female life is better because you are a female, not because its "better" to be female or its "worse" to be male.

What do you think?? Whatever you think, its good fodder for you therapy but i'd urge you to focus on actionable questions..

[Veronica_Jean]

I have to agree with my old friends Kathryn and Kaitlyn.

This is one of the most difficult things you will face in your life. But if you are able to embrace who you have always known you are, it gets easier. Frightening to the core, but for me I found peace. That was what drove me to continue..... Stopping the internal questions, struggling and fighting.

I am by no means a model for publication, but I sometimes do feel attractive and flirt with the guys at work. They flirt back so even as much as I can't see it, they moust see something worth flirting with.

Veronica

[Anne Elizabeth]

You all have valid points there. I guess I was searching to find if others have had similar thoughts. Yes I have been in counsoling for quite a while. My very nature has always been to find out all I can before making a decision. In this situation I am positive that this is a ride and figure out some as it goes. I like your points Kathryn and Kaitlyn. Very valid and thought provoking. I know I am a woman at heart and really desire to become the person I should have been all along. I guess by asking and thinking I am still in the process of making sure I am right about myself. More likely I am working on the final stages of admitting to myself what I have to do and accepting the reality that I will have to let my past go and move on to the future. I also know the other problem is letting go of my relationship with my wife and accepting that it will not go any farther. All very tough things to do. I wish I could erase the thoughts and dissonance in my head. I will have to find something to fill the void and well see what the next year shall bring.

Thanks

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I have to say what you are saying Anne rings true to me.

You are in the process of "finding out", and I have been through it. I denied my transsexuality until the very end, and believe it or not its so ingrained in me that sometimes I think to myself if I am the only non transsexual to feel so great about their transition.LOL...I have no rational doubts but I do have irrational feelings that come from the deep feelings I have about myself.

Even if we all gave you detailed answers to the questions, it wouldn't mean anything. You'd get every type of answer anyway.

I urge you to focus on actions and tangibles. What can erase the thoughts? How important is it to you to erase the thoughts? What are your options for filling in the void... Don't wait for the year to bring it to you.

[Contessa]

I have always believed you grow into your name. Who are you now? If you can't call me Contessa I can not answer you that's my name. I call people by their name or the one they want to be called by so. Isn't that who you are, when you look in the mirror who do you see. Ann with two n's and one e. Is that right. You are who you are now not who you used to be you may have used that other name but do you still need it. I don't believe you need to read this I just feel myself I have to say it.

Tess

[Veronica_Jean]

While I know it feels there will be no connection between your future and you past, that often isn't true. I think closer to the truth is the further will be different than we expected and dreamed it would be. The relationship you envisioned to have with your wife will change. Will it become a void? Perhaps. But people often surprise us when confronted with the reality that this is not something that can be changed about us.

I believe many of us would have loved to take something that just made us comfortable as we were. But there isn't anything that does that. The choice you get to make is continue in the fight, (which you likely will never stop fighting), or pursue a path that has a chance for peace. Once you settle down inside, then dealing with the outside is less daunting. All the same problems and issues of life remain, but we can face them with this on behind us.

There is nothing to be gained by revisiting what you already know can't change. in your own words you said "I know I am a woman at heart" and that says it all.

hugs

Veronica

[Jadine]

I just want to be ME!

Have you figured out who "ME" is? Are you Anne, or are you a husband and the father to your kids? Can you still be yourself without having to change your body/lifestyle or potentially losing everything that you have created so far? Why could you not support yourself if you transition? Are you not supporting yourself now?

These are tough questions I know, and I imagine that you have worried them a great deal over the past several years. My guess is that these are the questions that countless others on these forums have worried, some, literally to death. Nevertheless these are the questions that you, and only you, can and must answer.

[joanne2b]

Hi Anne,

Your last sentence summed it all up in my case, having read through your 'dilema' which mirrored my life from just about the same age as yourself I in the end had to make a decision (after nearly 60 yrs) all of the feelings and yearning will not go away we may put it on the back burner of our mind but it will always be there. Now with a 36b bust no prizes for guessing my decision, a decision I had to make with time running out !! and time to fully enjoy being what I had yearned for for so many years, a woman, no regrets I am ME!

[PaulaQ]

Anne,

Of course it isn't hopeless, but that depends very much on your definition of hope.

We are powerless over our gender. It is a core part of our identity, and for many of us, to ignore it is to face unimaginable mental and emotional anguish. It will make your life insanity.

What you need to do is really face who you are with rigorous honesty. Are you a man? Are you a woman? Are you somewhere in between? (Unfortunately, this is a possible outcome, and it is very confusing.) Really, though, what made it hard to be honest with myself about who I was, was a few very unpleasant facts:
1. Most of the world reduces people to their genitals. If you have a penis, you are male. If you have a vagina, you are female. End of discussion.
2. Most if the people I met in my life felt very strongly that any variance from #1 was intolerable.
3. I bought into these lies, and told myself "I must be a man!" And I did everything I could to convince myself that this was the truth.

But none of that was the truth, and in my case, the lie was literally killing me. I'd tried to destroy myself at least a couple of times during my life. The first time with alcohol 25 years ago. And then with much more direct methods last year.

I had reached a breaking point.

I realized, in a moment of clarity, that my life was unmanageable not because I was a man who fantasized about being a woman, but rather that I was, and always had been, a woman with a terrible physical handicap - I had a male body. My life was insane not because I found comfort in wearing women's clothes, but because I was a woman trying desperately to convince the world, and myself, that I was a man.

Only you can answer these questions about who you really are. Only you can know how miserable you really are. I would caution you that I found much of the advice I received on this forum from many sources to be singularly unhelpful. Many here asserted, even as I attempted my own life, that I must simply be a man with a fantasy.

NO ONE but you can answer these questions about yourself. We can share our opinions and our personal experiences, but only you truly can know what's in your mind, and who you really are.

As for hopeless, far from it.

For me, transition was really the only course that offered any hope. I had reached a point where my life as a man was intolerable. Death was preferable over a life like that. It would've been a relief.

I won't kid you that this is any easy path. It isn't. Many people who profess to love you would ultimately rather see you suffer, or die, than face the truth about who you are. You can lose relationships, employment, material things, and sadly even your life for choosing to be your true self.

Externally, my life as a man was great. My marriage was great. My kids were great. I was materially well off. And yet I spent the last six months of my life as a man trying to find ways to end my life where my life insurance would pay off - so that my family could keep all the stuff, but the pain would stop.

I'm happy now, for the first time in my life. I've lost a lot - a home, a marriage, children, friendships. I'm actually one of the luckier ones. But I am living the life I always should've lived. The friends I have are better, and more genuine than the ones I had before. I know who I am for the first time in my life. My life has purpose and meaning. And it is finally MY LIFE!

There is hope, Anne. There are no promises, but there is hope.

[Michelle789]

Hoping for reincarnation? if you KNEW you would come back as a girl, with full memories of how much you wanted to be a girl, would you want to wait 30 more years?


Yeah, I can totally relate. I wished I could die to be reincarnated as a woman, pretty persistently from late 2011 through 2013. And even if I knew I would be reincarnated as a girl in my very next life, the thought of having to wait potentially 50-70 years terrified me. There was just no way I could wait that long to be a girl.

To make matters worse, what if there is no reincarnation?

What if you come back as a male in the next life? What if you came back with all these gender feelings, but in a repressed country with no opportunity to transition or even cross-dress? That would suck, wouldn't it?

I placed all my power and trust in the psychic. A psychic who couldn't address my gender issues. Who told me to "man up". Who told me that I have more male energy. Who told me that I will be reincarnated as mostly male lifetimes in the future. Who told me that gender confusion comes from the devil. Who clearly had no interest in trying to help me. So forget reincarnation. I realized that I needed to eliminate the psychic out of my life, and start taking real steps towards my transition. Like joining this forum, or seeing a therapist, and joining a TG support group. Oh and actually leaving the house dressed as a woman. And eventually starting hormones.

This is the path for me. It may not be the path for you, but if you have serious gender dysphoria, than there is hope. Even though it is a difficult path. Even though you might lose a lost. There is hope. No matter what your age is. It is never too old nor to young to transition. If you need to transition, then let nothing stop you.

If you're just a crossdresser, than my hats are off to you. Go drink like a gentleman!!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So some time has passed...have you taken any advice?? have you made any progress? are you feeling a little better or worse? have you come to any realizations or had a moment of clarity??

This is what life is about... moving forward, growing...succeeding sometimes, failing others...it can come in fits and starts and sometimes we get so caught up in the existential madness of how we experience our gender that we forget that we are still alive and still have a meaningful future if we take steps to procure it...

[Anne Elizabeth]

Kaitlyn:
I believe that I came to the point of feeling hopeless in my belief that through out all my life I have felt like I was a female and wanted to become a female. I had spend uncountable hours researching in university library stacks trying to figure out myself. All along I have know that I should have had a different body. Unfortunately I was born this way. So after all the thought, all the pain, all the discovery I got to the point thinking that there was no way out. In a sense I have felt hopeless in my fight against changing into the woman I have always felt I should be. Hopeless, because I don't what to loose my wife which I have mostly already have. Hopeless in that I am afraid of loosing the financial security of divorces retirement. Hopeless that I really want to get back into full time art. And really hopeless because I took on a part time job approximately 2 years ago in order to finance and possible become financially independent of my wifes' income. A job which turned into management which allows myself approximately no free time. Therefore, I also have a feeling of being trapped in that I have to work to finance everything and trapped in a job that only provides money and if I were to continue until retirement all I would have left in retirement and quite possible no physical health left. I will solve the job problem shortly because I will be giving my notice at the end of the year. I will sorta solve most of my problems in the first few months of next year. I will spend some time cleaning out and cleaning up our house here getting it ready to rent, Moving my workshop 6 hours away from here and moving back in with my wife as we really don't want a divorce and want to live together. However, in order to do that I will need to rein in my feelings of wanting to become a woman and how i present myself in the community. ( why because my wifes' occupation is a visible community wide and having a openly transgender spouse would not mix well with that at all.)
Basically It all stems on what do I give up and at what cost. My daughter feels I am making a mistake. I understand that totally. I can move in with her and my grandson and live as I want and have my art work alongside it. In essence I can have it all by just moving in with her but my wife. Sounds promising but as I look at it form this side. My daughter has a life of her own and needs to develope that with out mine being around. She has been totally enthusiastic in my plight but something doesn't feel right in this either.
Can I move back in with my wife and live a somewhat double life? I hope so. I think things can be much better on most fronts with both of us knowing who I am and what I am like, and why. My energy has to be spent developing a better relationship with my wife in this situation. I know it can because there will be total openness and not the hiding and sneeking around as well as her fully understanding my situation rather than her thinking I am a broken pervert for wanting to be a female.

Will it work? I don't know.
Can It work? I don't know.
Should I do I? Probably not.
Do I have to do it? NO
Do I want to do it? I want to try.
What will I lose? Maybe a year and some money saved up?
What will I gain? Maybe a relationship with my wife that should have been there years ago.
And if it doesn't work I will fully know that I should have transitioned and done my own thing.
O what a tangles web we weave.
Anne

Ps. Thanks to all who have presented and shared their feelings and experiences. It helps to know that I am not the only one. Yes I know I have to make my own decisions. I just appreciate all the input from all of you ladies.
Thanks
Anne Elizabeth

[PaulaQ]

Can I move back in with my wife and live a somewhat double life? I hope so. I think things can be much better on most fronts with both of us knowing who I am and what I am like, and why. My energy has to be spent developing a better relationship with my wife in this situation. I know it can because there will be total openness and not the hiding and sneeking around as well as her fully understanding my situation rather than her thinking I am a broken pervert for wanting to be a female.


Anne, in my opinion, your energy needs to be spent understand who and what you really are. If you aren't honest about this with yourself, if you aren't true to yourself, it's utterly impossible, in my opinion, to have honest relationships. You need to understand who you are, and BE who you are, whatever that turns out to be. Worrying about the feelings of another is not the right thing to do - the world rarely grants us permission to be ourselves, especially those of us who are trans.

Losing a relationship is less important, in the long run, than losing yourself.

[Inna]

Sad story Anne, like all of our stories begin, sadness and sorrow.
Your daughter sounds as though she knows true love, and she sees the world in such way, kudos to you for having a part in her life.

Though, I must say for you: those who not know love within, know not how to love without!

[MonicaJean]

That's a great way to summarize staying healthy emotionally. I'm sure it speaks not only to Anne, but many of us who are struggling as well.


Thank you Paula!