Why didn't you tell me

[Sometimes Steffi]

That was my wife's question.

Why didn't you tell me before we got married? I'm not sure what I would have done ...

My reason/excuse is that I didn't really know myself that well. I thought I was the only one in the world.

OK. I understand that should I get into another relationship, I should disclose fully and early. But, what about in 1978.

How many of you disclosed before marriage? How many of you disclosed before 1985, to be arbitrary?

[Beverley Sims]

I was fortunate it was known before I got married.

Since 1978 times and situations have changed, A LOT.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I told my future wife in college while we were dating. We were walking back to the campus and I had this overwhelming urge to tell her. She took it nonchalantly and we went on with out lives.

As the years went on and my dressing developed and increased her acceptance level lowered. As time went on she became convinced I was heading towards transitioning and SRS. (NOTE: nothing can be farther from the truth. I just like to wear women's clothing)

My therapist, God bless her, meet my wife privately and settled everything out. While it isn't a perfect arrangement I am able to dress at home when I have time and the kids are away. In the mornings it's Linda whose exercising in leotard and tights with light makeup.

[Amanda L.]

Yep Steffi can relate to this situation.
My reply?
Hell I didn't know myself until recently (relatively). How can you disclose what your not? When I married my wife cross dressing and transgenderism weren't in my vocabulary. Any past behaviours were dead and buried.....so I thought

[Katey888]

Steffi,

It's an unfair question in the context of knowledge of transgenderism and crossdressing at that time... It's a little better now, but still has a long way to go...

I thought this would go away - in fairness, it has done for much of my relationship life, and it's been controlled during a focus on family and career... How can you tell about what neither you nor the psycho-medical community at the time was fully understanding of..? (And isn't even today..?) No disclosure here; ever - and my answers would be:

I thought I could control it and it would go away for good...

I didn't want to embarrass you or me and I was ashamed and guilty about something that seems so weird and inexplicable...

I didn't want to lose you and was prepared to not tell to keep you...

Katey x

[mechamoose]

I will add to Katey's reply.

You were not sure. You didn't know how pervasive it was. You didn't realize it was a personhood issue instead of just a fetish.

When you are truly in love with someone, you make sacrifices to keep that relationship safe, even at great personal cost.

My opinion is that you were not trying to deceive her, you were trying to protect her from something that you were not sure was 'real'.

- MM

[kimdl93]

Long before1985 and again before 2000...that is once at the beginning of my first marriage and before I was engaged to my present wife. The reveal with my first wife was after she had figured it out for herself...she had coaxed me into putting on her bra and panties for some bedroom play, and my enthusiasm gave me away. I told her what I knew, so far as I knew it, but didn't tell her my fears..that I might be 'one of them'. Many years later that marriage failed for other reasons, and in contemplating a second marriage I told everything I knew...at the time.

People change, people learn and grow. You have and you're not exactly the person that married in 1978. Internet or not, we all learn more, explore and discover or reveal things about ourselves. You've answered your wife's question in a truthful manner. She may not be happy about the answer, but if she chooses to be angry for choices she made 36 years ago, that's not going to make her life any better. Neither will making you suffer for not telling what you didn't know.

[JamieG]

Hi Steffi,

This was the big question from my wife too. And it was one that took us many years to get past. My answer is the same as many of the others: I didn't realize how deep it went. I lived alone for 8 years before marrying my wife, and although I had a small stash during that period, I only dressed occasionally. I never felt the need to meet other CDs or to get out in public.

What changed? It's hard to say. Was it that no longer having the freedom to dress as I pleased, made it more important to me? Was it that I had finally proven myself as a man by getting married, so I was now secure to explore my femininity? Was it the ready access to a closet full of clothes? Or was it simply that I changed as I got older? I can't really say. But soon after I realized how big of a problem it was, I knew I needed to tell her. It took me a while to work out how to do so. By the way, this wasn't until 2002 that I disclosed.

Jamie

[StacyPump]

Hi Steffi. I did not openly disclose my desires to my wife before we got married. We did do some mild experimentation in the bedroom before marriage, and in the years since then, but I did not understand what this would ultimately mean for me, and so fear of losing her, and embarrassment and shame, kept me from discussing it openly.

I disclosed my crossdressing to my wife, and admitted it openly to myself, about 2 years ago, after 17 years of marriage. Though it feels good to finally be honest about it, It has been very hard for my wife, and in counseling she has said to me that she is not sure that she can live with it.

Just this past week, she talked to her best friend about this, with my blessing. I know that she resents having to live with this "secret", so I encouraged her to find somebody that she can talk to about it. I don't yet know the complete text of the conversation, but in an interesting twist, her friend told her that another friend had recently confided in her with a similar story.

We are not alone!

[Cheryl T]

I disclosed once and it was well before 1985 and it was a "crash and burn" situation. It ended a relationship that was on it's way to marriage.

The second time around I chose to hide it and protect the love I had found. Luckily for me it all worked out in the end.

[CONSUELO]

I did disclose well before thoughts of marriage. She was staying with me and when I was at work she searched through drawers and cupboards. She said she found lots of panties in my underwear drawer and decided that was OK. This was back in the very late 1970's.

At that time I did not understand how my cross dressing would develop and become more intense. I had no good literature and no access to a knowledgeable therapist.

Soon after marriage I found that even being around her in panties was offensive. I just do what I want now and dress frequently and openly. Needless to say the reception is a bit frosty.
I just wish that I knew then what I know about myself now. It still would have been very difficult as there was a strong emotional attachment that seemed big enough to overcome the cross dressing. I hope that no young cross dressers act as ignorantly as I did. With the huge amount of knowledge out there people should be able to make much wiser decisions but I wonder if they will.

[Lorileah]

First marriage- didn't tell, mostly because I really wasn't active and she liked really macho guys. (Lasted about 2 years)

Second marriage- didn't have to tell, there were little hints that let her know. Somewhere around 1977 she let me own some underwear, some where around 1980 she bought me Candies shoes, somewhere around 1985 I had a few skirts. (marriage was 27 years, together 32)

Last relationship (not married) I revealed everything BEFORE we even met in person. She loved Lori (relationship was 15 years)

[sometimes_miss]

My answer to the same question was, I thought I was over it. I hadn't crossdressed for several years at that point, so I really believed that I had 'beaten it'. Kind of like anything else. If you haven't done it and haven't had any interest in doing it for several years, it just seems like something that should remain in the past. Let's try another example, one that's pretty common. Suppose when you were younger, you masturbated while looking at playboy magazines, or even sears catalogs. How many people tell their wives about that? After all, you don't do it anymore. It's something that a lot of us might feel was just a phase we were going through, and we out grew it. So we looked at it like something we went through growing up, akin to the old 'sowing our wild oats'. It comes under the category of, no one tells our mate everything. It would take years to cover everything. So we tell what we believe they should know. And we can't know what other people feel is important or not.

[Annaliese]

I got married in 1975, no, nothing, out there for what I was, would go away, could handle it, had not a clue. What was I going to tell her, I did not even know what it was my self. If I new then what I know now, I would have, but I didn't. Is it unfair, yes, to both of us.

[Karan]

Did not tell my wife for the aforementioned reasons. Ironically she is grateful I did not. She said she would not have married me if I had told her and not marrying me would have been the biggest mistake of her life.

[Jaylyn]

I was dating at the time and had a date with my future wife. I actually told her how nice she looked in red lipstick n I loved it when she wore her heels n panty hose. Jump forward now to just after the wedding. She was dressing and I ask her to wear that red lipstick and get her nails long and painted red as I loved it when she looked hot and sexy like that. Then jump a few more years and remember all the while I was buying her the sexiest outfits and many hose and heels n all the makeup she wanted and more. She finally asked me what I had with all the dressing her up and her wearing tons of makeup. I pretty much told her I just love it and told about everything I had tried in the past while having to hide everything in a special spot in the barn. I also told her about how my mom dressed me because she always wanted her first born to be a girl. I was surprised when my wife said well here let me help fix you up. She did and when were both dressed somewhat and wearing that deep red plum looking lipstick we started kissing each other all over and then applying more. That lead to some very hot sex. She loved it and I especially did. Roll forward to now I have my own makeup, dresses, heels, and all the hose and garters I could ever want. All she ask was that I please keep our secret from the kids. I have honored her wish. We still have some fun times with Jaylyn and I love her more than ever. She even buys Jaylyn things now that she thinks Jaylyn would look nice in. I have been very lucky as I believe most CDs mess up when they keep it from the one they love. Most that do usually will get caught with their panties on one day and then it's a lot harder to explain. I disclosed way before 1985.

[Gillian Gigs]

Like so many others, I honestly thought that I would out grow CDing as it was only a phase I was going through. I guess I am still going through it! Fortunately my wife was not upset about it, she sees it my my little fetish thing which is harming no one. We have mutually decided on boundries and I have no problem living within them. In fact the boundries have grown in my favor over the years. Who really knows how another person will react to a particular behavior. She asked all of the typical questions that a wife of a CDer asks, once the reality of the answered questions sunk in, things loosened up and things are still improving in my favor. I never "pushed" my luck, just let things take there course.

[Eryn]

25 years ago when I married I had no idea of what crossdressing was, let alone knowing that I *was* one.

That seems silly, but the facts that I "knew" were that men who wore women's clothes were drag queens, men who changed their gender were Christine Jorgenson and Renee Richards, and all I had was an strong interest in feminine things that was easily explainable as simply an extension of my interest in women. I expected that would resolve itself after I was happily married. I certainly wasn't going to discuss the topic with the love of my life!

It took 20 years of marriage for me to figure out (with the help of the Internet) that being TG was part of the spectrum of human experience. Luckily, my wife is a very smart lady who did her own research and decided to help me, not try to "cure" me.

[MaryGennaeAngelina]

I must say I don't get what the big deal is. You are talking about a piece of cloth and a few 'coutrements. there wont be demons coming up out of the ground, the sun wont explode. I guess I see it that way because from my perspective I see this body as a hotel and it may have whoever in it I decide. I may decide it is occupied by one of the people in one of my scripts. Mostly it is occupied by a goth, then on another day the goth puts on high heels or high boots and goes down to take a walk in the park. I really just don't understand people who are so straight laced that they must utterly conform to N O R M A L and that cant be compromised. I like to be me, and I make no real secret of it to others. Dress or overcoat, it all works. Divorcing someone because one day it is blue jeans and mens shirt then the next day it is a dress and heels makes no sense to me. Just my view.

[ShelbyDawn]

I didn't tell my ex because it had been almost 30 years since I last dressed and even then, I pretty much just stuck to wearing panties.
I honestly never thought about it so there was nothing to tell.

I will admit to trying on my sisters' dresses and stuff when I was a teenager and enjoying it very much.
For some reason, when I left for college, the desire just went away.
It wasn't until my wife started getting abusive that I began to retreat into dressing.
And the death spiral commenced... More abuse, more dressing... more dressing, more abuse...

[Jilmac]

I disclosed to wives no. 1 and 2 early on, before there was any talk of marriage, #1 in 1969, #2 in 1971. Both were informed, both disapproved. Back then crossdressing was a social taboo so I remained closeted for too many years. both wives have succumbed to the grim reaper and I am now un-closeted. I still disclose if I meet someone I want to get close to and even though some may not fully understand, I consider it their hang up and I'm relieved of the burden of secrecy.

[Stephanie47]

When I met my future wife (1971) I had not worn women's clothing for several years. I had absolutely no desire for those years. I spent two years in the army and had no thoughts of cross dressing. I had only dabbled in my mother's lingerie drawer and tried on a dress several times. Before I did propose my old escapades ran through my mind, as they had done many times before. I had been confused during my teen years. Was I gay because I wore women's clothing? Frankly, any guy wearing women's clothing back in the 1960's or before was surely a "faggot," a "queer," and other derogatory expressions. I knew I liked girls, but, this cross dressing thing was confusing. I decided cross dressing had been something confined to my youth. My wife and I explored bedroom fetish dressing (long nylon nightgowns and stockings) until my desires grew. Then it became DADT, which has worked out well. My wife did express once that had she known she would not have married me. Of course, that was the girl of the 1960's talking. With years of growing together she realized it was a small part of who I am. Others are not as fortunate.

[Eryn]

I must say I don't get what the big deal is. You are talking about a piece of cloth and a few 'coutrements.

To you, this may be true, but to a GG who has developed a particular view of her husband's masculinity it may be devastating. Being TG is innate to us, but it isn't to our spouses.

From my point of view, I felt driven to dress. Nevertheless, I had deep-seated fears of what might happen if I were found out. That didn't stop me, but it did make me very careful about what I did.

Imagine the similar fears that a wife might have, especially at first when she has little understanding of TG issues. From her point of view the husband is endangering their marriage and livelihood for what seems to her to be trivial reasons. After all, she wears the clothes and knows that there is no magic in them.

[sometimes_miss]

I must say I don't get what the big deal is.
The big deal is, it screws up the dynamics of sexual attraction. Women are naturally turned on by masculine traits, and turned off by feminine ones in men. Turn off the sexual attraction, and your romantic relationship is done, over, and she'll start looking for another male to take your place in that part of her heart.

That's it in a nutshell. I can elaborate, but it takes up a lot of space, so if you want the complete explanation, PM me and I'll send it to you. Or you can just read my bio, link at the bottom of my post.

[Sarasometimes]

Ditto fro m what Katie888 and mecha.. said. I'm in therapy to continue to try and figure things out still and in a DADT (she must know from many small hints incidences). I often run through my mind the idea of telling her and I see no upside for her or me. If I tell her all then she now has to decide, stay or go not a lot of middle ground. If she stays will I need to stop doing what I wont stop doing? Who could she confide in to get support? I read in a Psychology Today magazine the torture a spouse goes through when saddled with a secret about the other. Examples, tax evasion to being bisexual...They become isolated and abetters or they leave and struggle to explain why.
Hindsight is 20/20. Looking back if she would have been told and fully accepted it where would we be today? My career would have been vastly different and less lucrative. My two kids would be enduring all types of stress and bullying if being out was part of the plan...
If she said no to marriage who knows?

[AnneC]

I really liked Katey's answer also. 40 years ago I sure didn't know it was such a part of me.

[Emily CD]

This falls into the classic category I like to refer to as my "do over" list. Yes hindsight is always 20/20 but push all the clichés aside for a moment. I would have done my wife and I a HUGE favor had I been up front with her from the get go. We have been together for 13 years now (she is 52, I am 47) and she has no clue about any of this. Yet, like a lot of us on here, we continue to pursue this lifestyle as though our wife or significant other didn't exist. Sure, I love my wife and the life we have together. Does that make me happy? Well, yes and no. Yes because the "superficial" stress level is way down due to the simplicity of life, financial situation, etc. The NO parts comes into play every single time I get to be Emily. Like most, it is never often enough. Bottom line, if I had it to do over again there is no doubt I would have told her up front. I know full well she would have kicked me to the curb but I was fully prepared for that. Now that we have this life together, me coming out to her would really upset the balance.

[Tiffany Jane]

Remember twelve years ago when I told you I enjoyed wearing nylons, you were a little turned off and freaked out about it. That was then. Although I tried to stop the feelings I had and desire to continue, it was a part of someone inside of me and that is where we find ourselves now. Having accepted this as a part of myself without fully understanding it and knowing it may effect our relationship, I did this on my own time because I was scared to lose you, afraid of what relevations it was opening about myself, and feeling guilty for doing something I didn't think you would approve of nor society would accept as "manly".

That has been our condensed course. Today, we are both members of this forum, we accept that it is just as much a part of my being as well as a fetish induced extension of my sensuality. Each have there own desired emotional needs.

We are not as old as the suggested group in question, but are on the former side of where society's acceptance lies by today's standards. I can't say that I would do it different today, because I have a loving accepting wife, have found myself to be a much more complicated person than "just a man", and live in a time where outlets like this help to better understand where I was, where I am, and when I get where I am going, have a better sense of my feelings based on what I have read here, to determine if that is where I want to be.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

My wife knew about my love of wearing lingerie within a day of meeting- it's just too important to me to risk getting involved with someone who might not be able to handle it. She also found out pretty quickly that on occasion I also wear women's outer clothes and that I've been occasionally bi.

However, since I only became aware this summer (after 10 years together) that the CD urge has become stronger, she's presently having to adjust to that, and she isn't finding it easy. I really don't know how far she's willing to go in terms of acceptance, and it's an awkward subject at the moment. Like recently I went off on a train of thought about how exciting it must have been to be a rich woman in the early parts of the 20th century, to travel to Paris for fittings with Worth, Schiaparelli, Chanel, etc. She looked... bemused. I shut up and resumed chainsawing last year's furniture up for firewood...

[JenniferR771]

Why didn't I tell you?
Simple.
You didn't ask.

Of course, at the time i didn't know myself. Libraries didn't have books for that. No internet. Didn't know there was a word for what I did. I didn't call myself a crossdresser until about 20 years later.

[Rachel292]

Same as Katey888 , I didn't know myself, I just did it. Thought it would go away or I could control it. I never did tell her, however I very strongly think she has recently found out via my son, and my ex-mother-in-law (I overheard him saying to my ex, his mum, ask your mum when I told her she didn't believe me ). I called in at her house (150 miles away) to drop some things off for my daughter, but she didn't say anything. Next time I'll see her will be the weekend before Christmas.

[Tina_gm]

When we live with so much denial and repression, yes, we really don't or didn't know all about our own femininity. That stands to reason. But, we do or did know that we had it. I too was asked sort of a similar question, and my explanation was that in my mind, like with all other women who were never told, or anyone else, or my life in general was that it was my little internal secret I would take to my grave. Then of course after my explanation, was, why now? I will leave that to another discussion.

[GreyEyes]

I'll never forget telling my girlfriend (and now wife of almost 39 years) that I liked "to wear stockings." We'd been going out about four months and would be married in seven. Her nonchalant reaction was, "Do you want some of mine?" It was so calm and quiet that I repeated what I said! Since then, most of the time I've spent with her in private I've been crossdressed. I've never taken her up on it but she sometimes brings up the idea of my going out as a woman.

It was all such a turnaround from the fear I'd had about revealing this to potential girlfriends before. I'm sure they must have thought I was hiding a crime. And that in turn had to do with the way my parents didn't handle the situation. I was made to feel abnormal, and told I required psychiatric help. My mother was especially cruel, telling me that no woman would ever love me because of "the stockings." They seized any female clothing I had, forcing me to steal from cousins and neighbors, and raiding wastebaskets at home. My mother made a point of snipping up any clothing she discarded.

[pam1962]

Although the Internet wasn't available in the early 1980's, I had researched crossdressing in college libraries enough to reach the conclusion that it was more than a phase and would not just go away. So when my future wife and I started dating, and I knew things were getting serious, I knew I had to let her know about this side of me. Long story short, it wasn't a deal breaker for her at the time, but she has told me several times since then that she thought that I would change and not need to dress after we got married. She was, at best, tolerant of my dressing sessions during our first few years of marriage but was never truly comfortable with it. She grew to understand though that it was something I needed to do, something that was a part of me as a whole. I, in turn, limited the frequency of my dressing and tried to keep the pink fog in check in deferrence to her comfort level. Thirty one years after the big reveal and twenty seven years of marriage later, we are still together. We still struggle with boundaries; she has her insecurities about me eventually wanting to transition, and since our only child is now away at college, the pink fog envelops me like never before. Given all that, I do not regret letting her know from the beginning. I'm not passing judgement on those who choose not to tell. I can see the advantages /disadvantages of both sides. I'm just saying that for my particular situation, it was the right choice.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I told my wife after 20 years of marriage, in 2004. I gave all the same responses to that question. Until about the late 90's I really was in the dark about crossdressing. My whole early life I thought I was the only one within a million miles. I thought I was weird and felt ashamed at times. I still went out dressed but didn't feel like I do now after this forum.

[Cheryl James]

I told a girlfriend (who was a potential spouse) in the late 80's. That girlfriend exited stage left faster than I can even describe. Met a new woman. One thing led to another and we were serious about one another. My previous experience had convinced me that revealing this fact about me was a deal breaker, so, did not tell. I thought it was controllable. I did not know that a whole lot of other people enjoyed this, too. I thought I was pathetic and horrible. I thought that marrying this person would "fix" me. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She did find out after 15+ years and, now, sees me as a pervert. We are still married (a charade) due to family considerations and we are, in my opinion, both, miserable.

To those who told their future spouse and it worked out...good for you. To those whose wives found out, or were told, after marriage and it has worked out...good for you. I don't see, in hindsight, how things would have worked out for me with this particular woman however I approached it.

[Dianne S]

Full disclosure: I am very recently separated from my wife of 23 years and the last 5 years of our marriage were awful, so I am extremely anti-marriage and jaded about the whole thing.

I did tell my wife before we were married that I crossdressed. For the first few years, she was pretty much OK with it, letting me dress at home and even occasionally coming out to support meetings with me. Gradually as our marriage soured for other reasons, she started liking it less and I virtually stopped doing it for about 16 years. Even grew a beard.

Well... you all know what happens when you bottle things up...

Gender dysphoria kicked in big-time about 15 months ago. Shaved the beard, rejoined trans support group and about a year ago something in my brain clicked and I realized I was transsexual, not just [sic] a crossdresser. I've begun the process of transitioning and that pretty much eliminated any chance of our marriage working, not that there was much chance before.

Anyway, when I revealed the true nature of my feelings, my wife was furious and accused me of betrayal and lying. The thing is, at the time I told her about my crossdressing, I was telling the absolute truth... I had no idea at that time how it would turn out. I told my wife that, but she doesn't believe me.

I used to advocate telling partners before marriage. Now I would change my advice as follows: Do not enter a relationship unless you are absolutely sure you know where you are on the transgender scale. Do not assume that getting married will "cure" you. Do not assume that having kids will "cure" you. Look deep inside yourself and find out where you are. Even the slightest doubts should make you put any ideas about marriage on hold until you sort them out. In my opinion, marriage is over-rated anyway and most people get married because they think that's what's expected.

The only good things to have come from my marriage were my kids. For them alone, it was worth enduring.

[Sc0rp10N]

Well, only been married to my 2nd wife for 3-1/2 years, together for about 7. I never had the urge to cross-dress prior to about 2012. Before we were married, she introduced me to a bit of female Dom sex. It didn't go that great, but I kinda liked the idea. It very, very slowly progressed from there. She lost interest, but I didn't. Eventually, I asked for it, but felt uncomfortable until I wore one of her tight little club dresses. She felt like her Dom play was no longer about her being dominant and lost interest even more, but I got more interested. We had some real struggles getting life back on the same page, this summer was the worst, but for many reasons, most of which have to do with sex and love and other things, but we're on a good road now. We were having a dress up night Saturday and she told me I need new dresses, jewelry and heels. We postponed getting Xmas gifts for each other to have a little Xmas in January, due to funds and growing family. I doubt she'll remember she said that, but it would be really cool if I got some things of my own from her. So, I never needed to tell anyone before marriage, because it never existed in me before my current wife.

[slamddoger]

you should tale her befoe you get marrie so she has chane back out if it not her thing

[Jenn A116]

I guess the "why didn't you tell me" question scared me more than actually telling. When I realized that she was "the one" I told my wife while we were dating, even before we got engaged. We were both older (50ish) adults at the time and were ready to accept the other for exactly who/what they were with no expectation of changing the other. After 17+ years of marriage this has proven to be the right choice for us.

[Nicole Erin]

Today we have outlines of how to come out. I think there are stickies in this forum. Never read them cause I do this full time so "coming out" is just not an issue and I don't need to read into it. What I wonder is how someone would even "come out" back in the 1970's? They didn't really have labels to use or explain, not really many things on TV to even slightly compare it to (like chaz bono or Miss canada)...

I wasn't even born til 1974 but honestly, I don't blame anyone who didn't "Come out" back then. I cannot see it possibly turning out well.

Today if a closeted CD is outed voluntarily or not, a few adjustments might have to be made on the part of acquaintances but ultimately it isn't a huge thing. Back then, it could easily ruin someone's life.

[kimdl93]

You darn whippersnapper, Erin. I actually have shoes older than you!

But to your question, we didn't have the Internet, but we had Corporal Klinger! And of course, Christine Jorgensen and Rene Richards each got lots of publicity in the 60s and early 70s.... And I recall 60 Minutes segments on transgendered people, so we had something like role models. By the time I got married, I knew I had something in common with them and what were termed transvestites, and later cross dressers.

I thought two years in the Army and marriage had cured whatever was wrong with me. So, I was more than a bit surprised and excited when one night my my new wife asked me to put on her bra, panties and stockings for a little fantasy. She knew right away that she had discovered something about me. I didn't really need to tell, but we talked about it, within the limited context of my knowledge at the time. And as long as it was our private thing, she was accepting and we had a lot of fun too!

[Alaina R]

I married in my late 40's and my wife was/is very comfortable with it. She knew about it from the get go.
But since I married late, over the years, I had several girl friends that I felt needed to be told at some point in the relationship. Most of the time it did not go all that swimmingly and the remainder of the relationship would be close to a DADT type thing. Not real happy.
Conversely, I still recall my first really serious girlfriend who I met while in college. It is 1974 and we are in my dorm room. I'm 21 and I've never told a soul; it has always been my deep dark secret. Late one night I screw up my courage and tell her that I have this horrible thing I have to reveal. I start crying. She is shaking, fearing the worst, with no idea as to what I might say. After much hesitation, I finally blurt out: "I like to wear girls clothing". She pauses, looks at me a little quizzically, and says "SO"? The relationship lasted another year and ended for other reasons as she never minded the cross-dressing. But even now, when I think of that one moment from over 4 decades ago, I get a little warm feeling inside.

[Jonna]

Why didn't I tell you? Because I was afraid. Because I thought you would reject me and walk away. Because I thought... maybe this is just a phase and the desire will subside, diminish or go away all together. Because I thought that perhaps once we married and had kids, my life would be too busy for me to continue dressing. (Actually, for many years this was very true). Because I didn't have the resources available to me now to not only help you understand, but to help myself understand. Because I love you and didn't want to risk losing you. Because.......
So many excuses. So much rationalization. So much angst. And yet... I can't let it go. In fact, the desire is stronger now than ever before.

As a newbie, thanks again to so many of you for sharing your journeys on this site. It's been extremely helpful, sobering and energizing all at once.

[Della]

I had the same question. With my silence came a comment that we would not be. Ouch. I guess that's why. But, today, three years later, we are still tight, but don't discuss the issue. My wife is my best friend and I felt sorry for withholding.

It's a good, thought-provoking question, Steffi. It makes me wonder, if today, I should be more open, or get her to be more open. Hmmm.

[chris80]

My wife found out in 1980 after 12 years married.
I had tried to hint with jokes about dressing up when we first went out together but she didn't catch on. So I suppressed my desires and thought being married would alter things.
She was ill and came downstairs one night and found me reading some papers. when I told her I was CD she said "oh that explains a lot, I'll help." To want to be one was better than that I was seeing another woman. We worked on my femme image.
She was educated about transgender spectrum at Uni. She knew that I had always noticed what she wore. I now dress frequently at home and we go away for CD weekends groups. She is very unsure about going out as a couple where we might meet with bad reactions.
We have been married 46years now and can always find something to talk about clothes.

[Cristeen]

I told my wife when we first started dating. She said she had something important to tell me and was worried I might reject her. She told me she had rheumatoid arthritis and would understand if I didn’t want to deal with it. I told her what’s the big deal and that I loved her. After that I felt it was my turn to expose my vulnerability and tell her I liked wearing women’s clothes. She was surprised and was a little weirded out, but it wasn’t a deal breaker. We have been inseparable for almost twelve years and married almost ten.

Honesty above all else is the most important part of our relationship. It might not always be easy to speak the truth but living in truth builds and reinforces trust.

[Stephanie Julianna]

I told my girlfriend in 1969 and she still married me in 1971. We're still married but it has been hard on her. She obviously loves me very much or she would not have hung around.

[Caden Lane]

Why didn't I tell you?!? I was worried you would react just like you are. I worried you would make brash assumptions, ask uncomfortable, awkward, loaded questions. I was worried you'd accuse me, or question your Love for me, despite my unwavering Love for you. I was worried you'd leave me, I was worried you might out me. I was worried that "for better or worse" would suddenly be meaningless. I was worried that I'd never be able to succinctly answer your questions. I worried I'd never be able to meet your demands. I worried we would end up in a DOn't Ask Don't Tell situation, where you would feel you were compromising, but I would be the only one compromising who I am. I worried you'd seek to change me, reprogram me, or save me from myself. I worried you'd question my faith in a higher power, my manhood, or my virility. I worried you'd second guess my judgment and think I'd stupidly do it in front of the kids. I worried you'd question my sanity, thinking I was loosing my mind. I worried you'd think I would be so cavalier as to run around the neighborhood coming out to anyone that would listen. I worried that you would not give me enough credit for being the sensible man you woke up to this morning, or married years ago. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person I was then and now. But based on one change that you never perceived, you feel justified in acting like everything about me has changed. Thats perhaps a short list, of why I didn't tell you.

[Cynthia T]

I wish I could remember how the subject came up. we were walking, talking about things we had done with other partners, and I decided that I wanted to be completely open with this woman and that I could be. So I told her that I liked to dress up as a woman, and that I enjoyed bondage as well. She took it in stride, told me about tying up one of her previous boyfriends. A couple months later, I changed into Cynthia for her, and we made out like lesbians. That was in 1976, we've been happily married since, and I still come out, for bondage and a good whipping (if I'm naughty--and lucky)

[Genifer Teal]

The knowledge and understanding we have today is vastly different than what limited things were known even 10 or 20 years in the past. I would have felt the same way. Whatever part it played in my life was minimized when I was in a relationship so what was there to tell? Why bring up something that hardly mattered any more? It was less of a hiding and more of a so this (marriage) is the next big thing to take over my life. Everything else would pale in comparison. You did what you thought was right at the time. It is ok to feel bad for not mentioning it. Explain it for what it was and make no excuses.

[Ozark]

So many changes in my life right now.....

Why Didn't You Tell Me? I was scared, I thought it would go away, I thought I would lose you. Remember that time at your folks house, when they were gone and I was showering after mowing the grass and you threw all my clothes in the washer. I got out of the shower and they weren't dry yet ..... you gave me a pair of your jean shorts to wear. I told you I didn't like wearing jeans without underwear, you gave me a pair of your panties to wear... I was 21, you were 19. Yeah, I wore them, I shoulda told you but I didn't. Sorry.

Almost 55 years later, after stormy years and smooth years, detours down sexual highways... did I ever tell you how we started in rental houses? She came home one day and told me she had bought a house and was moving in to it. My reply..."Are we having problems?" I was so wrapped up in myself and my job that I became, basically, a jerk. I liked to lost my family because of it. The funny thing was I wasn't dressing or even thinking about dressing at this time. It was all about the job, the money. Then I lost the job. Then the money.

Both of us went into counseling, after two three months of weekly sessions...some stormy, some smooth sailing, the therapist told her she was pretty much ok and didn't need to come any more. I was another story. I told the counselor I felt 'softer' when I wore woman's clothes or when I underdressed, I felt 'calmer'.... My wife gave me 'permission' to dress. I hesitated to use that word, 'permission'.. so many negative connotations to me about that word. I guess a better word would be she had some boundaries about my dressing. I accepted them. And, as a previous comment said, these boundaries got wider as we aged. Our best times in our life were on the houseboat and in our Airstream. And I was dressed ala "Iowa Farm Wife" almost all the time we owned them (we still own the trailer and what a trip we had this summer! We went west!)

So now, "Why didn't you tell me".... We are not the same persons we were back in 1971 or 1972. We've evolved. Would we not have gotten married if we knew? Who knows, we got married, we had kids and now grandkids. That's what we did. And all that other stuff that we did, well that was part of us, that was part of us at the time. It was our reality. It's like when people talk about a normal childhood. What's normal? I would often come home from school and find my mother drunk and passed out on the couch. Did other kids I know experience that same reality? Probably not, but I did and that was my normality.

So now today, I am 65 years old and I have had some serious health scare this past fall. My wife has, in my recovery, encouraged me to dress, as she knows that is a form of relaxation for me. I told her I'm not a crossdresser, she guffaws, no I say, I just like to 'present as a woman'.... I'm comfortable wearing women's clothes. And that's our normality. And we share doing the laundry.

[MarinaSweden]

I met my wife in 1988. I told her my interest in womens clothes rather quickly after we had met. She didn't understand what I meant at first, but then came a time when she allowed med to get dressed at home. I remember that she actually asked me to dress fully in her clothes so she could see for her self. It felt a bit awkward but at the same time very nice.
Well the acceptance didn't last very long. It wasn't so she told me to give it up, rather I could see she didn't like it and I though I could give it up, I was afraid to loose her.

That didn't work (surprise) and I have for the last 25 years been doing it off and on in secret, buying clothes, throwing them away... but now I brought it up again. We have come to a compromise, I wear lingerie as long as she don't have to see. I am not happy with that and we will see what comes of this.

But I can say that I am glad I told her that time in 1988/1989. She can never say today she never knew and that I have done something to her life and taken years form her and so on. If she hates it so much we can't stay together, I will have to accept that, but it will be her desicsion. And not my fault if that now makes any difference.