Please help or explain

[basellent]

Good evening evryone. I am new posting, but a long time reader. I believe I desperately need some help or advice. I am a 24 year old male who has secretly crossdressed since I was 16. It started by me sneaking into hampers at any chance I could get. I would steal panties, wear them, then threw them away because of guilt. Then it progressed to me stealing them, doing the same and saving them. Hiding them from my family in a secret spot.

After that, after having a girlfriend whom I'm in love with (and have no attraction to her panties I don't know why), I would stay up late at night when she wasn't over and model in panties, and take pictures of myself. I would admire myself, and feel guilty and put them away. Now we live together and things are only getting worse. I have bought wigs, breatforms, bras, shoes, and I have so many panties, bought and "borrowed" I don't know what to do! I secretly take off days from work to stay in a hotel room for 9 hours modeling and laying around, chatting on the computer until it's time for me to go home.

I seem to flush the feelings away sometimes and swear I am going to stop and throw everything away, but I just can't. I just end up doing it again. I feel so guilty, I can't stand keeping this secret from my loved one. I want to stop. How do I do it? I couldn't even see myself telling a shrink about this. Is this an addiction that cannot be fixed? Someone please give me some advice here. Thanks.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[uknowhoo]

Well, you've been able to come forward to talk about it here, that's the first step. You mentioned talking to a shrink, hopefully you will come to a point where you can discuss it openly. The first person I ever told was a therapist. I was literally quaking the first time the word "crossdresser" crossed my lips talking to her. It's obviously gotten a whole lot easier since then... my having worked through alot of the guilt and the shame. Good luck to you, Tammi

[Tina Dixon]

Your lucky in a way, your young, if this is how you feel with your life than you better let your girl friend know about your dressing now before time slips away from you and belive me it will, if she don't like it well may be the next gal will.

So grab your need now my friend because this is a secret that is tearing your life apart now, so live it while you got your youth that way when your in your forties people will take you as you are and you will be much happier.

[Jasmine Ellis]

Hi Basellent, there's no need to feel guilty dear. You love dressing or you don't? This is the question you got to ask yourself. If the answer is, you love dressing as a woman, then you got to think about the girlfriend. You are young, so I think you should tell her about the cross dressing before the bells start ringing. This is the one secret you don't want in a marriage cos it will get harder as time gose on.

I told my wife after years of marriage, with 4 kids, I just had to tell her, wish I didn't now, cos she is my ex.
Think before you act, and don't stop working dear! No work, means no new clothes to buy.

You always can do this in some what othere way about telling her you cross dress hun, BY SAYING SOMETHINK LIKE THIS!
How about a game two nights a week, dear. Where we get dressed up, I'll dress in womens wear and you can dress in the same way as me or in anyothere way that you would like? Make sure to sound if you just thought about it.........And if she says yes, then say how about doing some shopping for clothes. Then sit with her and talk about the game that you and also her would like to do in this game............Good luck dear in what ever you do.

[Lilith Moon]

Hi Basellent,

You are among friends here, :hello:

Firstly, can you think of anything more harmless than wearing clothes of the opposite sex ? You are doing nothing that actually hurts others or yourself, so there is no need to feel guilty.

Secondly, as almost everyone here will tell you, this feeling and needs you have will never ever disappear. Guaranteed. You need to find ways to incorporate it into your life because you will never be able to stop for long. Many people like us have "purged" their collections, only to start up again after periods of miserable abstinence.

Thirdly, you must find a way to let any partner know about this before either of you make any long-term commitments. If you keep it a secret then this is equivalent to a time bomb that can explode at some future date, perhaps when you both have much more emotional investment to lose. There is also the issue of honesty and commitment with a partner. Do you want her to know and love you, the real you? Or do you want to present a facade...a false persona for her to relate to? The potential for real emotional harm to yourself or her will be significant.

Fourthly, exactly how you reveal your dressing-up needs to your partner is vitally important and needs to be thought out carefully. The best way depends on the relationship between you/her and I would suggest that you browse this forum for ideas. You will find many threads on "coming out" to SOs and various techniques that may work for you.

Just my 0.02 worth.

[Sally/nyc]

Hi Basellent:
Pleeeeeease tell her ASAP, or you'll be doing this hideaway thing for a long time and it will get worse, as you'll be lying to her and she'll find out, then, well... be prepared.
No woman likes to be lied to, it will almost certainly end your relationship if it continues like your have described.

I and I'm sure many other CD'ers have felt tremendous guilt about dressing. It took me over 15 years after I got married to tell my wife, and when I did it was very traumatic for her. She eventually realized that I had no control over it, so she would encourage me to dress when the tress got too much for me.
In addition, I finally got to tell a shrink about it, and he was very matter of fact about it. They have heard so many horrible things from people, and they know that crossdressing is quite harmless and they treat it very openly and lightly, and they also will tell you that it is not something that you will get over. Believe me, there are millions of us in this country, estimates range up to 5-10% that I know of, possibly even higher, and there are women who do encourage and support it from their mates, but you won't know unless you ask.
How about telling your girlfriend that you saw something on TV re: crossdressing, and open the conversation with her like that. Ask her how she feels about it, and if she asks you if you were interested, tell her that you are curious about it and have had some feelings re: wearing panties and bras. Would she mind if you tried it? etc

Please don't continue what you are doing secretly, it will end badly. You are a good person, you have feelings, don't let your guilt bring you down. If you show your girlfriend that you are vulnerable, she may love you more for revealing yourself to her and trusting her.

Hugs, Sally

[michelleliz]

I think you are hooked. Join the groupe Ben there done that for sooooo long.

Cost me 2 marriages

Michelle

[tammie]

Hi All: Basellent, U R at crossroads of your life and U must decide. There R several issues here: 1) is guilt about wearing bras and panties and slips etc. When a man wants to dress in women's clothes it is a huge quilt trip in our culture. Its worse than being gay, its like being a flasher or something worse.
The only way to deal with the guilt is to look yourself inthe mirror and say "I like wearing women's clothes, they feel good on and it makes me happy so what!

2) There is the deceit of lieing to your GF. U may have not told her a lie, but by hiding this U R commiting the sin of omission and to her it will feel like U lied to her when she finds out later. If U care for her tell her even if she jets on U, it is a kindness and some day she will reevaluate what U did for her.

3) there is the issue of self control here. When any habit (sexual or otherwise) gets to the point of causing a person to miss work then it is considered out of control, just google "sexual addiction" and U will find more than U can read in one night. It can be just as devastating to a person's life as alcohol, drugs, gambling, or pornography.

The first step to taking control of this is to admit it to yourself "I'm a crossdresser TV" or whatever is the correct label for what U do and accept yourself that way. U R still a person who can be a good citizen, father lover employee etc.and have a positive impact on others. The next thing is to somehow tell your SO about your desire to CD. Then last make a timeframe for yourself to do what U need to do for others, and time for yourself.

Good Luck dear let us know how things work out for U.

[Paula Rae]

Hey Angela,

Because oohTammi is a super smart Moderator. :cheeky:

Ricki B

[KateW]

I am not much older then you, and it took me a long time to come to terms with this. I know I will never have an answer to why I dress, but I now just accept that it is a part of me. I most certainly don't feel guilty for being myself, and neither should you.

I love getting dressed up, but sometimes it can be just as much of a thrill to know that you have nail varnish on your toes, or panties under your jeans. I too have purged my clothes on many occasions, but all that ever does is make me unhappy and want to do it even more! I think it is important to take control of your urge to dress, and find a way to find balance it in your life.

I wouldn't rush into telling your girlfriend until you are at peace with it yourself. It might be an idea to gage her opinion by watching a movie with a crossdresser in (I'd recommend a more serious one!), and using that as a starting point to see her thoughts on the matter. We are all here to support you. Good luck!!!

[mskilmer]

I'll add my 2 cents for what their worth. I think Lilith had some very sensible things to say.

I may be luckier than most. My wife and I are very open. It's a long story, but we have developed over the years a mutual trust that is simply phenomenal. We openly decided to discuss our deepest fantasies with each other, and we have tried to help each other achieve them. (Wow ... the stories I could tello ...) This takes time, though. Don't feel like you have to rush things. If a really trusting relationshiop develops, you'll know and you'll be able to talk about it. My wife and I just spent the entire DAY shopping for clothes together. Nobody can tell you what to do, but I think it is vitally important to understand that you're NOT a bad person. You just want to experience more out of life while you have the chance. That's very admirable, in my opinion.

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Basellent,

I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to freak out over what you are feeling right now. Your thoughts are very normal. In the past I used to get myself all worked up about my cding. I would get such nice feelings when dressed and yes there was a sexual expression element to it, but I would feel so nice, then after I changed back into my guy clothes I would hate myself so much. I would have thoughts in my head of "Angel what are you doing!! This is not normal behavior for a guy"...or "Are you crazy, you shouldn't be fanning the flames". I expect you know the types of thoughts I'm talking about.

The thing is, until you can get past these guilt feelings about what you are doing you will never fully enjoy your cding. There is another post on this board from TGMarla about self acceptance, and she is right. It has to come from within.

So how does a person go about achieving this? Well, for some it comes with age because of wisdom and maturity. For others is a care free spirit or a total nonchalant attitude to what others think of them. For me it came form the gentle encouragement of a loving and accepting wife.

Don't purge, don't stay locked up in your own world. I advise you to seek out others like yourself. Go out to your nearest TG friendly club or maybe become a member of Tri-Ess or if you're in the UK the Beaumont society or whatever. My point is expose your self to the TG world then IMHO you'll be better able to "be nice to yourself" and accept that being transgendered is a wonderful thing.

Take care

[Petrina CD]

I too used to have the same feelings when I was about the same age as you .( I'm now 52) The guilt , the weird feelings, feeling addicted. It has been my observation that after all this talk about our feelings and the sexual aspect of dressing etc. , no one really knows exactly why we like it so much. I have been with groups that have talked themselves blue in the face about dressing but in the end , all we know is that it sure as hell feels good. Real good!!! So I say screw it about why we dress and just enjoy it.


When I told my girl freind of the time about my dressing she moved out . Not just once but twice. That was twenty five years ago and we have been married for thirteen years now.

I used the old halloween ruse to tell her about my dressing. I said one year that I wanted to go as a drag queen. The old " I don't have anything to wear to the party so I'll just go as a drag queen" , pure bullshit but it at least got things started. Of course none of her clothes fit me so we had to go and buy me a dress and all the stuff to go with it.( stockings , shoes , bra , panties)
It worked . Every time we got a new item for my " costume" , I would put it all on so I could "practice" for a couple of hours. Well after about a week and a half of this she figured it out .( daily praticing was clearly a bust) We had a talk and three weeks later she left.
I had a feeling she would come back and she did about six months later. Then just for good luck we did the whole thing again. As I said now we are married.

The other folks here are right about not waiting to tell your girlfreind. I have read of many failed realtionships because the woman was not told early on. I know it's not easy . Hopefully she will realize that crossdressers make the best husbands because once we find a woman who can accept us we'll never leave.( speaking for myself)

I hope this helps you to understand yourself a little better. I'm no shrink but I've been through a lot.

I'm going to go and put on a dress now. MMMMMmm, thighhigh boots MMMMMmm.

Yours Truly
Petrina cd

[Charlene Marie]

Basellent. These girls have given you some excellent advice here, take it to heart. Let me add this: 1. Do not be ashamned, there is nothing wrong with it as long as you are not hurting yourself or someone els. 2. By all means talk to someone you trust and or love. The secret will only get harder to share the longer you keep it, and you will feel worse. 3. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone, as you can see there are thousands of us and we have all been in your position before. You sound very sincere and you deserve all the understanding you can get. This forum is a good place to start.

Best of Luck to you,

Charlene Marie

[Billijo49504]

JMHO, tell your girl friend. If she loves you for who you are, she will understand. If she doesn't, I'm sorry, but you won't change. Too many people here have tried. Remember the truth will set you free. I gets rid of all the guilt you are feeling. Probably because you are hiding something from the one you love. I hope everything goes well for you and her. Life as a cd'er is fun when you have a partner to share it with.

[Dana]

Perhaps this will help the most in explaining ~ and in explaining to your GF, well written ~ articulant ~ excellent article. Will take you awhile to read ~ so I would suggest you print it off on "fast~draft"

http://www.vernoncoleman.com/downloads/mid.htm

Best of luck

[kristytv]

everythign that has been said above , and no more purging!, it only harms you and your wallet!

[TaraB]

basellent,

the inherent guilt you feel will likely never go away on its own. The only thing that can make things better is getting some kind of acceptance from someone close(like a gf or friend).

One thing i definitly noticed is that if you keep going the way you are going you will crash...and crash hard. It could be from driving your GF away, it could be from losing your job, or something else.....but its inevitable if you keep going the same course. You yourself have said that you have no control of this situation....and that my friends is a big big warning sign of trouble ahead.

i'm going to offer you a few bits of advise that i hope you take before you let this problem impact your life in a negative way...

#1. go see a therapist. Don't tell your gf. you do it alone 1st. The therapist can decide if maybe getting your gf involved in sessions might be benificial.

#2. now if that doesn't work for you then you really must do this. Round up any womanly items you have and rent a space for 3 monthes. Put everything in there. Now MOST IMPORTANT.....find other things to occupy your time. #1 on that list should be hitting the gym for tons of cardio/weight training. Also change your diet to something more healthy. I can't stress this enough....a clean diet and lots of exersize is the best thing for your mind. .....so if right now you are having issues with it(like you said you are) this will do a world of difference! Other then that start compensating a little more and consentrating on work and your girlfriend more. take a trip to some place you've never been. do something you've never done. These type of events can help open up your world and right now you need that bad.....because your world has became one dimensional and its all about dressing up in drag.....and that is NOT healthy.

this should give you adequate time to clear your mind and make a sound decision for whats best for you.

i really hope this helps.

[Melissa Ryan]

I feel I gotta respond here. I echo most of what is bein said by the other girls, in paticular, you really need to tell your girlfriend. Doesnt matter if she leaves you. (sounds harsh, but this is you, she needs to accept all of you as you need to accept all of her) A girl from this forum recently got found out by her wife, its created a lot of hurt for both parties. Its the same as lying, keeping secrets like this..If she accepts you, you win. If she doesnt, you still win, coz you wont have lived and built seperate lives, only to tear it all apart once you cant keep it a secret anymore.

It doesnt get less of a want to dress, only greater. Not everyone is anti CD. I have told a lot of people recently, well over the past few months. And I havnt had a BAD reaction yet.

You gotta look after yourself! Its like eating yr vegies.........you might not like em, but they are good for you in the long term of your life!

Good luck! And dooooo tell how you doin! :)

[TaraB]

while i totally agree with Melissa as far as honesty goes and it is totally unfair and completely selfish to do hide this lifestyle from any S.O. because when it comes down to it.....you are wasting other peoples time under a false pretense of who you claim to be to that person. anyone on these boards who does this should really try to think of this in a role reversal way and see how they would feel. Its really tantamount to your S.O. cheating on you with another man for a long time then coming up to you and saying "honey i'm sleeping with another man and have been doing so ...i hope this is acceptable". i'm not saying its the same....but the way it feels to her would be similar or worse as you'd feel if she approached you with that.

but 1st and foremost.....the first thing anyone should think of before they go through with telling their SO is a simple question...

what is more important?? the girl i love.....or dressing up.

a simple question...and the answer should come easy whatever it may be. If you love the girl more...you might think about choosing the girl over dressing.....and never tell her about it and stop it for good.

[TGMarla]

You need to get a grip on yourself and swallow a healthy dose of reality. Read the thread I posted on achieving balance (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22135)with yourself. You have none. This thing has taken you over, and you're not dealing with it well. And you probably need some serious counselling, too.

[DonnaT]

Look, what is happening is you are becoming obsessive compulsive with the CDing. This is a result of hiding it. If you no longer have to hide, you'll find that you can gain more control over your actions.

So, come clean with your GF and see a therapist. As noted earlier, you run the risk of loosing your job if you don't gain control.

Remember, you owe it to your GF to be honest. She deserves to know about the CDing, and it should be her choice whether to stay in the relationship or not.

[Anita Mae GG]

I am the wife of a cd'er. You NEED to tell her. I knew about his wearing panties...no prob with that. then I found websites he was looking at trying to find t-girls etc. I was DEVASTATED. Not because he was looking at the sites but becasue he was hiding it and I never knew the FULL details of his complete crossdressing history. I felt like I was lied to and he was doing things behind my back. So to let a load off your mind., TELL HER. As the girls here have said, she may walk, but if you check out some threads on here you'll also see that there are plenty of woman who are fine with crossdressing.

There is NOTHING wrong with you other than you are scared and need some information. From what I have read here crossdressing is a personality trait, that is how I see it. You are born with it. There is nothing wrong with crossdressing, society as a whole makes it unacceptable but there are a TON of people who wouldn't be phased by it.

Listen, I just read a post a few days ago that a police leiutenant crossdresses. ANYONE can be a crossdresser. If you met half of these girls in here when they were in drab you would never suspect it. I guarantee it!!!! They are regular guys just like you.

As far as the girlfriend goes, you must must must tell her. My husband, as I am sure many others in here, lived for many years with this secret, being scared to be "found out" Just tell her. You already know what the worst outcome will be so prepare for it but it may not even turn out that way. My husband was afraid to tell me the whole story but I am fine with it.

Find yourself then tell her. Have her join here too! It has been great from me!!
Good luck

[mskilmer]

I am the wife of a cd'er. You NEED to tell her. I knew about his wearing panties...no prob with that. then I found websites he was looking at trying to find t-girls etc. I was DEVASTATED. Not because he was looking at the sites but becasue he was hiding it and I never knew the FULL details of his complete crossdressing history. I felt like I was lied to and he was doing things behind my back. So to let a load off your mind., TELL HER. As the girls here have said, she may walk, but if you check out some threads on here you'll also see that there are plenty of woman who are fine with crossdressing.


This is SO important. Yes ... honesty brings people closer together. Decietfulness pushes them apart. Sharing personal things like this is so important. Sharing is part of life. Once my wife and I realized this, SO many new doors opened up to us both.