My life as a Genderfluid....?

[Kylee-Blackstad]

I don't post often on here, but I've been compelled to share even though it doesn't appear to be a common occurrence among the community. I only have few avenues for such things. But perhaps someone will get where I'm coming from. I put the long question at the end on purpose as a sort of way of saying I have no idea where integrating this as identity will lead me.

My mind doesn't seem to like being gendered either or to a noticeable extent and being placed in whatever box by others. I crossdress and go out a lot on my own sometimes passable and sometimes not. Some people I know when I'm in and out of whatever gender I happen to be in use interchangeable pronouns (though I enjoy the female ones immensely as an opportunity to be outside my assigned gender, which is male). And treat me almost in a mixed gendered way. It just feels so...right. My brain's been nagging at me at every and any opportunity to mix the two, mostly by dress expression. But if I happen to be one of the binary genders. the mindset is still there in a way. Then seemingly by occasion, my mind seems to go female or male...then neither.

To put that random jumble of experiences in a clearer context, I don't like identifying as either man nor woman and really wish to be treated outside of that binary system. The "transgendered reality" seems to be a constant experience for me, in whatever form of dress I have on even after its off.

What scared the living shit out of me the other day is I wanted breasts and at the same time didn't. Then wanted my hair neither super long or super short...

My partner, who happens to be MTF, told me that sounds like classic gender dysphoria. At the same point makes absolutely no sense. It doesn't follow the narrative of the transgender individuals I've read.

I met a few androygnes a couple weeks ago who I had a lot of commonalities with. Then a great friend of mine from my CD group mentioned "Genderfluid." Reading genderfluid narratives has put my mind at ease a bit and has given me something to go by to sort of define me.

Experiencing this gray area gender reality is not at all easy to comprehend and integrate. That and the pronouns..seem more like a joke to everyone else in the world. Ho boy lol. I'm in for a treat.

We'll see.

[Beverley Sims]

When you get your thoughts in order, I suppose we "will" see. :)

[ReineD]

I've spoken to many people who are not at either end of binary gender, as you say neither fully male nor female-identified. It IS difficult to live this way. We all do live in a gender-binary world, we know nothing else. I also think it is natural to want to fit-in, to want to be accepted by the people around us, so how does a gender-fluid person cope with all the questioning glances? Most people don't like to be thought of as an outlier.

How old are you? It is my impression that people in their 20s or younger are more accepting of gender-fluidity. Also, there are lots of things that a twenty-something can get away with, that a fifty-something can't, in my opinion.

As to wanting/not-wanting breasts, this is also common among many CDers. I can't tell you how many times I've read in this forum, a wish to have real breasts when dressed and to have them disappear when in male mode. My SO also went through that.

The gender pronouns: I have a friend who is in hir 30s now, but who goes by initials and requests gender-neutral pronouns. I've got to tell you they are a mouthful. If I knew several handfuls of people who were like my friend, I'd develop enough practice to be able to use the gender-neutral pronouns with some degree of fluidity. But, I only need to recall them from memory when speaking to/of my friend, and I just don't get enough practice to have them roll off my tongue naturally. So of course I keep reverting to my friend's birth-sex, which is the sex that ze identified as for years before becoming gender-neutral. My friend's partner, however, is FtM but accepts female pronouns because it's just easier that way. She dresses male (by that I mean clothes made for male bodies), has a male haircut, but has no desire for a penile implant or a mastectomy. So she has decided to live exactly as she is, a female-bodied masculine person. She is fine with people associating the pronouns with her physical sex rather than her gender-identity, because she knows who she is and is comfortable with it. It's more important for her to have people know and love her inner-self than be all caught up with referring to her as a "he" when she obviously has a female body and voice.

My SO copes with being gender-fluid by switching back and forth rather than dressing in a non-gendered way (s/he is not gender-neutral). S/he also works in an environment that would not embrace gender-fluidity, and like the second person I mentioned above, my SO knows who s/he is and so it's not important to force something on others they are likely to struggle to understand. When she feels like dressing she does, and when he doesn't, he doesn't. My SO has structured his/her life to have a degree of freedom and other than wanting to keep the male presentation separate from the female presentation (the mechanics of it all), things are easy and my SO is happy.

Sorry for the long post.

[Erica Marie]

All I can say "Thank You" for summing all of my feelings. You are truly not alone in this world. We just have a hard time expressing who we are and how we feel with out being looked down on.

[kimdl93]

It's a complicated life, as all of these posts testify. I actually feel lucky that my gender preference is more decidedly female, rather than mixed...which is of course complication enough.

[Katey888]

Kylee - thanks for sharing how you're feeling... i know there are other 'genderfluid' folk here who can speak more directly of their experiences, but I'd like you to know that accepting the way you feel and occupying that middle-ground (that most of us do't because we do flip-flop between the binaries in presentation, if not identity) is quite enviable, I feel. :)

Complicated - yes; fraught with misunderstanding by the muggles - doubtless; but part of a very special group of people - :D

Finding a way to navigate a life of flexibility and uncertainty will undoubtedly be tough - but I think in accepting and exercising this aspect of yourself you have much to gain, and at a time when more acceptance is generally being shown - even if folk don't always get the pronouns right (hopefully only a minor irritation for you?) - I think you're right, you should be in for a treat! :cheer:

Katey x

[justmetoo]

I concur with Reine and Katey888. While we do live in a world where the binary seems to be the expected default. You know, the whole "pick a side" thing. It seems gender fluidity and not conforming to the binary is growing in acceptance, too, especially among younger people. There's certainly nothing wrong with it, and my hope is the acceptance continues to grow and people can be themselves. Being true to oneself is important, I always feel. I hope you enjoy your journey and have fun seeing where it takes you! :)