Support for kids?

[Melanie B]

It's only about 6 weeks since I came out to my SO, and about 5 weeks since I came out to the kids.
My SO was brilliant about it, and seems to be enjoying having a new "girl friend".
I thought the kids were taking it almost as well... but I was horribly wrong.
They (both teenage girls) are upset and angry about it, and it seems to be getting worse for them rather than better.
Part of the problem seems to be that they can't talk it over with their friends.
Does anyone know of an on-line (or UK-based) support group that might be able to help the children of TG/CD parents come to terms with their situation?

[Suzanne F]

Why can't they talk it over with their friends? That seems cruel to me to not let them. Our children know I am TS and I am Suzanne around them. I wouldn't dream of limiting their ability to share it with their friends.
Suzanne

[Melanie B]

It's not me (or their mum) that is stopping them!
The problem is that they feel ashamed and embarrassed about it, and think they have to keep it a secret.
I can recognise and respect that feeling, and even though they obviously have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about, I think they may be quite justified in thinking that if their "secret" gets out, they may be at risk of transphobic bullying or abuse.
They won't even talk to me about it, and although they do discuss it with their mum, that's not the same kind of support as they would get by being able to associate with other teenagers (such as yours, Suzanne!) who are going through the same experience.

[Jenniferathome]

First and foremost, do they know they can talk about it objectively with you?

[Rhian]

Hey Mel I'm not aware of any sites myself but what I can say is that I imagine they will find it easier with time. They're at that age now where reputation everything you have and I imagine they will be worried about being the one with the 'gay' dad and I imagine they have irrational fears that you're going to be walking around the house in a frock when they have friends round. Once they have had people they know around you again they will be less worried you're going to tell their friends you dress or do something that will give the game away. A lot of it will be shock and they'll be having thoughts that SO have "is he gay?" "Will he leave Mum for a man?" but eventually they'll see that you are no different and come round to the idea.

[Suzanne F]

Sorry for my wrong assumption! My children have not experienced any bullying up,to this point.
Suzanne

[Katey888]

Mel - try the attached link: http://gendertrust.org.uk/directory/support-organisations

There are a range of organisations here - some will support families but it may be difficult finding a local or phone-in group.

For more general support there are a range of groups here: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/teenagehealth/support_groups.shtml

RELATE will deal with all sorts of family issues and actually the Samaritans might be a good starting point for phone support - they might be able to point you at local resources, also you could speak to your GP who may be able to help.

Good luck!

Katey x

[Melanie B]

First and foremost, do they know they can talk about it objectively with you?
Yes. At least, I hope they do. I've told them so, and so has their mum.
And I've told them that I'm still the same Dad that I have always been, and that the only thing that has changed is that they now know something they didn't know 6 weeks ago.But I still think they feel betrayed by me, and may be upset that their mum doesn't share their feeling.
Plus, there's the great teenage conundrum, that although they want to be tolerant, liberal-minded free spirits they also want -- more than anything else -- to be "normal". And having a crossdressing Dad definitely doesn't fit their definition of "normal".

[DonnaT]

Try http://www.mermaidsuk.org.uk/

If they can't help they should know someone who can.

[Jenniferathome]

Yes. At least, I hope they do....

"hope" just isn't good enough. The only way to know is to start the conversation and on multiple occasions. Knowing where to start is the hardest thing for kids. They don't have the framework. So, kick it off. "Girls, I know you are likely a bit confused and probably embarrassed but I think it's important we talk openly about this. Do you have any questions you'd like to ask?"

BTW, I agree with your "normal" comment. That will take time. Bets of luck.

[Robynts]

Whatever you do Melanie, keep talking to your kids. My daughter found out about Robyn about 7 years ago, when she was in high school. She told her brother who was away at college.

The daughter was OK with Robyn at first (about 5 years), but with her brother's encouragement (he is VERY conservative) she has decided I am the most awful thing on earth and for the last two years has not spoken to me.

[DanaR]

Good luck!

When my youngest daughter found out about me, she immediately called her two sisters and told them; which resulted in three different reactions. The oldest didn't have a problem with it and has actually gone out with me a couple of times, the middle one didn't want to ever talk about it and has said nothing to me, and the youngest has said the most hurtful things to me that she could come up with. Over the years, the youngest daughter talks to me about it occasionally, but still doesn't like it. The other two two daughters haven't changed their stance at all.

[Marcelle]

Hi Melanie,

I guess I was fortunate in that my daughter had long ago vacated the house for her own life and was an adult when I told her. However teenagers are a funny breed to be certain and I think you hit the nail on the head that they want to be seen by their friends as normal and having a dad who is CD would be hard. However, I think you are doing the right thing by talking to them and ensuring them that you are still you . . . just dressed differently. Ask them if they have any questions or concerns which you might be able to abate. I would also arrange to do normal "dad" things with them to demonstrate you are still you. Give them room to process and understand and who knows. Will they ever totally accept? That is hard to answer but with time it is plausible as the younger crowd tends to not have the same hang ups as us older folks.

Hugs

Isha