Frustrated with my desires

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Hey girls. 26 year old here, I've been dressing for well over 10 years. Last year I started dressing head to toe for the first time and I loved it so much. I'm in a long term relationship with a girl who has no idea of my little secret. Thing is, I'd feel totally embarrassed if she ever found out. While I think she'd be understanding and supportive, I prefer our current situation where I am her manly guy and nothing more. I honestly have no desire for her to know. I know it's not exactly right to hide it, but I want it this way.

Even though I always love dressing up and becoming a girl, when I drink a lot (which I often do much of on weekends), I get an overwhelming desire to doll myself up and hit up the city. This culminated last spring when I was super wasted and went out by myself in full garb. The next day, I was so freaked out by my loss of control that I purged all my belongings, hundreds of dollars in outfits, undergarments, costumes, wigs, and makeup. I constantly long for it all back, and I'm on the verge of splurging again on all of the girly goods. I know I'm a full-blown crossdresser and that it's never going away. I also know that I won't be able to control myself and will inevitably go out and show myself off to the world.

Anybody going through anything similar? Either way, it feels good to finally vent. Thanks for reading :]

[Katey888]

Claire - brave of you to share and I trust folk here won't be too judgmental...

I can't say I'm going through anything similar, quite... but can I say I do wish I was in my mid-20s again so I could give it a shot! :yahoo:

However - I can't believe anyone (GGs included) would be any good installing makeup when wasted... How did you look? I'd probably look like Alice Cooper... :eek: That doesn't sound like a good idea...

On a serious note - binge drinking (if that's what it is) ain't good for your health... had to have serious chats with my eldest about that - it's just not good for your body - and I feel sure you recognise that this is somehow connected with your conflict over 'want to dress but want to be manly' and 'want to tell her but don't want to'... If you have any possibility that she may be in the least accepting, I do think you need to reconsider that possibility... (NB: I am not about to say you should, because that is rightly for you to decide) - the alternative may be just not getting any balance or harmony with either part of you - and that's not good... not to say expensive going through unsuccessful purges (unsuccessful because you probably will regret it..)

Tough situation Claire - I wish you well in trying to resolve some sort of compromise... :hugs:

Katey x

[KC Samanatha]

Claire, We all have our frustrations with things. We all feel shame or guilt about our dressing at some time or another. It's getting to a point where you are accepting of yourself sober.
Generally the consensus I think in the group would be to be honest with your girlfriend about things. You might be surprised with how things go.

[DonnaT]

I'd suggest tossing all the alcoholic beverages instead of the clothes and things.

You don't want your GF to know, but what if something happened to you while dressed and on the town? Should could find out the hard way. Find an AA meeting if need be.

[ClaireWearsDresses]

Thanks for the replies so far everyone! I just want to clarify though. I always want to get dressed up and go out. It's just that after a 6-pack on a Saturday night, I have less reservations and want to just go out into the world. These aren't liquor-induced black outs! Anyway, thanks for your comments. Please keep'em coming!

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Claire,
Drinking aside. As far as being in a LTR (32 years here) and being afraid of the reveal was a real problem
for me.
This forum is really good at pushing the do the honesty route.
Everyone has an opinion, so do you!
If you feel that carrying on with CDing the way you have is best for you, it is.
I started a thread a while ago about "FIG" Forum Induced Guilt, it's just something I had felt regarding this sort of thing.
Just make sure you consider your situation is different than anyone else's.
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Marcelle]

Hi Claire,

To tell or not to tell . . . it permeates this forum with some strong opinions in either direction. My advice, only you will know what is good for you and what suits your current situation. WRT to dressing while drinking . . . well if you plan to not tell your GF I would recommend you don't drink when your "girl things" are in close proximity less you decide to get all dolled up and pay your GF a visit. Purging is never a good thing . . . if you feel the need to purge, I would just store your stuff either in self-storage or in a sturdy trunk with a lock.

Hugs

Isha

[Isabella Ross]

Claire...I'm begging you. Please don't go through 20 more years of denial and frustration like I did. Accept who you are. Accept that you need to tell your GF before it goes any further. You simply can't suppress this, and the urge will get stronger as you get older. You're setting yourself up for a life of secrecy, guilt, shame, misery and frustration.

[FayeXD]

Well, if you don't want to hide it anymore... you may just want to tell her.

If you don't have a problem hiding something like this -- then continue doing it. But my guess is she'll eventually figure it out.

They always do!

[Helen_Highwater]

There are many here, me included, who have kept our secret and lived in the closet while in a stable relationship. Would I like to "tell all"? You bet but for me the dangers of a broken relationship, the risk of alienating my kids, are too great to contemplate. However I would be risking years of marriage, the prospect of starting over if I were to divulge my secret now, and I've made the decision if push comes to shove, family comes first and I'll draw the line and stop. You however are at a different point in your life. Coupled to this is the element of the demon drink. I have made some bad decisions in regard to my CD'ing when having had just a few beers. Drink and common sense aren't good bed fellows. Ask your self this. If I continue with this relationship and it becomes one where you live together, share your lives, will there be the night when your lady finds out your secret because you get rolling drunk? It seems to me you either need to control the drinking, make the choice of telling all or give up your CD'ing. If not, you're headed for a relationship collision of which the outcome is unsure to say the least.

[Maria 60]

There was times when I thought it wasn't meant for me. I drove on a country road for two hours and my out of control feeling came over me and I decided to step out of the car for an amazing feeling of the air flowing up my skirt, of all the miles and miles of forest and lonely country roads I got out of my car and I ended up face to face with a hunter. What was that chance?, 1 in a million. Another time I decided to take a day off, in which I never take time off work, and I went to my summer cabin and on the way there again that out of control feeling came over me, got out of the car and a few cars drove by and as I was getting back in my car a van drove by and I couldn't help but notice the logo on the truck and it looked like the company my brother in law worked for. The next day I was speaking to him and I told him I seen a company truck on the way to my cabin,and I couldn't believe it. He told me it was him he had to do some work at his bosses summer cabin. Now what me was the chances of that, 1 in a billion. At that point I told my wife I think it's time to put out the white flag, and maybe this isn't meant for me. Thank GOD I didn't throw anything out because I stopped for about a month and there was that out of control feeling again, and I was back again taking chances.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Claire, you are a crossdresser. Do not be ashamed of who you are. Accept & nourish that feminine part of you. You have received very good advise. Take Bridgett's advise to the bank & you will be a happy person. Cding needs to be fun , peaceful & rewarding. Please don't beat yourself up... it does no good. Accept who you are & be happy. Peace, mel

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have a firm rule about drinking while dressing. I don't

I want to be in full control of my faculties (sp?) while dressed. If I get insulted or hit on, I want to rect while completely sober.

Also, I don't want to get caught DWI while dressed. Never mind the embarrassment of a police stop while dressed. If you fail the sobriety test(s), you get handcuffed, arrested and sent to the drunk tank until you sober up. I don't want to find out if they would sent me to the male or female drunk tank. I think there would be serious problems en femme in either one.

[Beverley Sims]

Unfortunately Claire there comes a time where you may have to come clean.
It is a difficult situation to be in and I don't envy you.
Read the various articles on coming out in the stickies on the forum.
Do not rush into it and one day you can make a considered decision.

[abby054]

Wow! Your situation is definitely familiar. I dressed for more than 15 years in private, then started going out at age 25. Within a few months, it became too much to deal with and I purged. I stayed away from dressing for 16 years after that. Alcohol was never involved, so I did not have that complicating factor that makes your situation far more difficult than mine.

Isha is right: there are strong opinions here about revealing our dressing to a SO. I have one of those strong opinions. I told my wife at age 25. She reacted so strongly negative that I purged and stayed purged for those 16 years. Jwatts is right also: they do figure it out. I finally started again to relieve stress from my work and my wife confronted me about a year later. The clues she described were really small and obscure. She has on many occasions since loudly stated that she regrets ever marrying me and if she did not have her religion and health problems and kids who keep her here, she would leave me. Your GF will figure it out. The alcohol will just hasten the day that she does and will probably make the circumstances far more spectacular and, as Steffi tells us here, dangerous. My solution: my wife and I agreed to a severe form of DADT. I now rent a heated storage unit without her knowledge and dress there a couple times a month and on business trips.

Your alcoholism concerns me more. You are binge drinking at only age 26 and apparently are already inclined to doing things that will affect your GF relationship, your job perhaps, and your life, never mind the CDing. Though I do not drink because I consider it too dangerous for me, I have had to deal with alcoholism as a boss and within my family (alcoholic brother and mother-in-law). I have put employees in rehab and usually brought them back on that long, hard road to recovery. I fired and eventually went to the funeral of the only one who would not recover. My brother is in rehab right now, having lost a $250K a year job due to alcohol, a loss he will never recover from at his age even if he stays sober. It cost my mother-in-law her life (DUI). My advice from 35 years of hard experience: ditch the alcohol, get a good doctor, get into AA, and avoid the disaster that is coming your way. If you prefer to take the disaster head on, as many alcoholics do, if you live through it, ditch the alcohol, get into rehab and AA, get a good doctor, and recover as best you can.

I wish you well, my friend. You will need all the strength and support you can get to deal with what is coming your way.

[Karren J]

I have one suggestion for you, before you tell your girlfriend or anyone else who is a long term part of your life go and see a therapist. I have started to see a psychologist and for me the value is two important things.

1) I now have someone to talk to about all the things that I'm trying to figure out. I can't put into words the relief that comes from being able to share the hopes and fears with another person, you found this forum but trust me actually taking in person to someone is infinitely better. Confidentiality and honesty are magic.

2) I'm getting real and useful feedback, I don't have all the answers but I am now actively seeking them out, even if I don't agree with everything we discus at least I'm working towards an end goal of knowing who and what I am and what to do.

It's been said before but sooner is better, had I pursued answers at 25 years old I could have been content and not struggling with identity for the last 15 years. For the vast majority of us this will never go away, learn and accept who you are. You can find hundreds of us who will all tell you that coming to terms with yourself now will make the next 10, 20, 50 a good life without the shame and regret that many feel have overwhelmed the better part of their lives. One last thing the manly man stuff usually doesn't work either I joined the military at 18 and did plenty of alpha male stuff since then. Nothing changed I am who I always was and no amount of projecting a false personality made it better.

Find out who you are. Be who you are. Live happy.

[Teresa]

Clair ,
I'm surprised that even going out by yourself and getting totally blotto, someone didn't recognise you and say something that has rebounded since !
I have to smile that at 26 you can afford to accumulate so much stuff ! I know I was knee deep in mortgages and house renovation !

[Claire Cook]

Hi Claire (Nice name, isn't it?),

You aren't alone here. Many of us have probably gone through purge periods, then regretted both the loss of nice things and the $$. (I know I did.) Accepting ourselves as CD'ers is a big step, and when we do, I think the "urge to purge" lessens. Now I find myself being more selective about my clothes (well, I'm a long ways from being 26!). If I have things I no longer like, GoodWill is happy to take them. Not to mention that accepting ourselves takes away guilt and angst.

Others have cautioned about the drinking. Me too. The combination of serious drinking and being out and and about can lead to some situations that you'd probably want to avoid. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to enjoy your femme side without alcohol getting in the way?

Ah, the "to tell or not to tell" issue. I'm sure you've seen many of the posts about this here. There is no magic answer; so much depends on the people involved. You have to gauge this for yourself. My only observation here is your comment that you'd be "embarrassed" to tell your girl friend. Is that because of what she might think of you? [Or is part of this that you still are coming to grips with your CD'ing? ]

Thanks for sharing this, you know you can always vent here. Keep us posted!

Hugs,

Claire

[Desirae]

It's just that after a 6-pack on a Saturday night...........................

Well, that takes me back. Although, honestly, I don't consider a 6-pack much of a binge. When I was in high school and in my20s, myself and my group of friends were party animals. A 6-pack was nothing but a warm-up. Easily, we would all drink 3/4 to a full case EACH when we drank (24 bottle cases, not 12). And that's to say nothing of the hard stuff. As a matter of fact, we had a "beer bong" with a very large funnel and which had a 1 inch PVC hose on it. The darn thing held about 9 12 oz bottles. We'd mix the beer and usually JD at the same time and down it all at once in seconds. Those were the days.

I quit drinking when I was about 26. I haven't had a drop since (23 years). I wasn't an alcoholic. I just didn't enjoy it anymore. For me, the buzz never lowered my inhibitions with regard to my dressing. Actually, quite to the contrary, I had to be completely sober when taking walks and drives dressed back then and going shopping and buying dresses.

[JamieQ]

I have never purged despite long times not CDing. I been away (not mentally/emotionally) for about a year now. I just got done checking stuff that is in storage. All is well and it's keeping until next time

[CONSUELO]

Claire,

There is a lot of good advice here. I used to feel like you. Cross dressing was just a once in a while thing and I didn't have to share with my girlfriend. What I did not understand is that, over time your desire to cross dress will change in both its manifestation and in the strength of desire. You think you are in control but you are not.

I think you should find a good therapist who has expertise in cross dressing and gender issues and explore your inner self thoroughly. if you read the many posts on this site by those who tried to keep their cross dressing a secret you will realise how secrecy and denial can corrode you and ultimately undermine you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The only thing I'd say is that if/when you and your SO start thinking about children, at that point it would be unfair on her not to tell. Meantime, have fun, and beware the demon drink...

Vent as often as you like- it's good for the soul.

[Melissa_59]

Claire...I'm begging you. Please don't go through 20 more years of denial and frustration like I did. Accept who you are. Accept that you need to tell your GF before it goes any further. You simply can't suppress this, and the urge will get stronger as you get older. You're setting yourself up for a life of secrecy, guilt, shame, misery and frustration.

Absolutely agree with Bridgette here. Absolutely!

~Melissa

[Annaliese]

Claire you are right it is never going away, when you dress again, and you will, for your safety don't drink and go out, getting bailed out out jail, by a friend or your girlfriend now that will be embarrassing. Never drink and drive or drink or dress the two don't mix. Also talk to a therapist they may be able to help also, find one that has experience with transgender issues. PM me anytime

[kimdl93]

Another recommendation to moderate or end your drinking. Alcohol can provide a really unhealthy and often dangerous way to excuse yourself from taking responsibility for your desire to dress. Instead, own it. Allow yourself to internalize the fact that CDing is nothing to be ashamed of...it's just part of what makes you a unique being. And allow yourself to experience the world dressed and sober.

[docrobbysherry]

We called it, "Liquid courage", Claire. At your age u may feel u need it to express yourself. I was the same back then. Drinking and partying was a lot of fun but it got me into a bit of trouble. I never picked fites with guys that could easly injure me unless I was drunk. I outgrew it. While I used to drink moderately when I began dressing 17 years ago, I find it a distraction and a buzz kill from the natural high I get from dressing now. If u keep drinking like that? U may need professional help eventually.

Tell your GF only if u have to. Or, if u r getting bored with your relationship? That could either refresh or finish off your affair with her.

Very few folks r like Abby above. Who married at 26 and still r together 16+ years later. Start looking for a life partner when u know who u r and a success in your chosen field. You'll have a much better statistical chance of being together for 10+ years then.

[Nadya]

I can definitely sympathize with what you were saying. I purged when I thought I could will it away and just be a normal guy. Purging is a terrible idea (unless you like to rebuild you collection of femme stuff) and I've seen suggestions from people on this forum that if you get an urge to purge, stuff everything in a box and stow it somewhere you feel is safe. That way, you don't waste anything and you can bring it back when you feel it's appropriate. After purging, I started getting back into dating and a few months later, I met my now fiancé. Being in a relationship in the beginning made it easy to forget that I even cross dressed but later on, I started to get the urges again. I thought I could resist it (as you know, that may not be possible for everyone) but I found myself looking at women's clothes again and longing to have that feeling of dressing up. I soon realized that crossdressing was a part of who I was and if anything were going to progress with my relationship, I was going to have to be open and honest with my girlfriend. I told my girlfriend and she was as supportive as I could have hoped. She was shocked of course but after I had explained to her about my personal situation, she was sympathetic. I only tell you this because I didn't realize how much of a weight had been lifted from me when I came clean. The result of coming clean often doesn't turn out positive but it all depends on the situation. That being said, no one can or should tell you how you should live your life.

As for going out, I've only just recently starting going out in public. From what I can tell you based on my experience (especially from a very conservative area of the country), it has been a positive experience. There's plenty of people on here that have had the opposite experience but if you plan out your trip well and use common sense it can be worth the risk. Once I finally went out on my own, it was the most thrilling and fun I had. Crossdressing can be fun at home but to put in all that work on getting your look just right, sometimes you just want to show it off. I hope this helps, I was in you shoes (women's size 11W, har har :P) not too long ago so I thought I'd share my experience.