You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser.

[Katie Russell]

Hi

I think that this is mainly directed at GGs as CDs maybe slightly biased.

Imagine you come home and find your 25 year old son fully dressed, make up, wig, forms etc. He breakdown in tears and tell you that he's been dressing since he was 6 or 7, firstly in his sister clothes and then only later has he been able to afford to buy his own stuff which he's kept hidden away. He's kept it secret from you because he was embarrassed and didn't want to upset you. He wasn't sure how you'd react and now you know he's worried that you will think less of him.

How do you react?

Do you tell him it's OK and you'll love him whatever? Do you offer to support him, give him help and advice, always be there for him? Or do you tell him that you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again?

I guess that already having a CD in your life you are answering from a position of knowledge but if you put yourself in the position of a mother who has no knowledge how do you react?

It wold be interesting to know how parents of Cd did react when they found out you CD.

Katie

[bridget thronton]

Not a GG, but I am a parent. I would accept any behavior from my child that was not harming others.

[Krististeph]

Not a parent or a GG. But how do you react? Naturally. But you also hold the immediate reactions somewhat at bay. This is a big thing. You need time to process, and understand.

I have supported many people, not CDs, but with other problems or issues. The first thing- listen more than talk, reassure the person the world has not ended (perhaps not this phrase, yet, if a loved one is lost). A huge change just suddenly happened, but essentially, nothing has really changed at all. You and your son, and the rest of your family are just as you were before. Your horizons (thought they make seem a little askew at the moment) have just broadened, that is all.

My folks never found out, not from me. They were of a different time. If they suspected, they accepted as something I did, and they did not understand. Fairly evolved for their time. But other older family members, (who suspected) either it was a bit of a non-event or it was essentially ignored as not for wanting to talk about. Fine with me, but they also know not to disparage me for same in any way, I defend myself the same way i'd defend any of them for anything.

So- acknowledge, be supportive as a parent, but don't be afraid to say you need some time to understand it too. My personal suggestion is to refrain from anything stated or commented on in a negative manner, until you've had time to think and talk. After that, then you might bring up your concerns for your son's safety and well being, if you have them. IMO- skip this for at least 2-3 weeks, or 5 or 6 discussions.

k

[ReineD]

I would tell him it was OK and also direct him to this forum, in the spirit of meeting folks who are able to navigate the CDing successfully in their marriages/relationships.

I have tons of reading material on the matter and I would ask if he was interested in reading that as well. I would explain to my son why I know so much (with my SO's permission), and encourage my son to talk to me freely about it.

I doubt that he'd like his mother's advice on makeup or clothing, but if he asked I would give him pointers on how to present as realistically as possible.

If he wanted help with frilly dresses and sissy maid's outfits, I would explain the difference between having gender identity issues and fetish, and advise him to go online and find suitable resources for that. I couldn't possibly help my son engage in fetish dressing.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I take it the question is rhetorical Katie?

And how can anybody put themselves in the position of a mother who has no prior knowledge- it depends entirely on that individual's character. All I can do is speak for myself- I think I'd be happy they were even talking to me, and the only way I'd object to anything they wanted to do would be if it affected others (including myself) negatively.

I doubt that the type of person who would answer "you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again" would be reading this forum in the first place.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

If I were coming from a place of zero knowledge (basically where I was when my H told me!) then i imagine I'd be very shocked. I love my son like no other and I'd be sure to let him know this, but I also think I'd ask what on earth he was doing and why. I would think the initial thoughts are the same as for wives - is he gay; is he gender confused; is he psychologically unwell.

I would likely need time to process the shock and then I would hope I'd sit down with my son and gently ask why he was dressing as he was. From there, the path would be far less difficult as it has been as a wife as there's just something unbreakable in the mother/child bond and crossdressing wouldn't change a thing. There's no spousal male image and attraction being damaged etc either. I do think I'd be initially shocked though, so here's hoping any parents who find themselves in this position also find their way to this forum.

I'm off to check my son's bedroom, lol.

[Rachelakld]

My mum said "okay and I don't mind washing your clothes but please don't let your dad know"
She was so sweet, always folding my boy and girl smalls after each wash, I miss her.

[emma-louise]

Tell him its ok and support him, better that then driving him away and not seeing him. it only clothes after all

[Lacey New]

Katie,
As a closeted CD who works and succeeds in a "man's world", I can definitely understand your concern. Whether we like it or not, there is still a societal bias against us and as a result, you son will have some hard choices to make. I doubt if his desire to crossdress will ever go away. Mine has not over the course of many years. However, it is one thing to be a very private CD and hopefully one with the support of a trusted person - Mom perhaps - versus being known as a crossdresser. If he were to become public, he may be tolerated but not necessarily welcomed and his opportunities may very well be limited. Not all employers have a Tim Cook at the helm. I'm sure this is a lot of common sense - nothing new to you but it may help him decide to stay in the closet for a while until he figures out just where he wants to be.

[lynda]

a cd myself if I came home and found my son dressed, I would tell its ok, and that I love him no matter .how he dresses. the I would walk into my bedroom and cry for passing this gene to him.hugs lynda

[GeauxStacy]

I am thinking how my mom would react and it would probably be initial shock at first, but she would want to talk to me and hear what I was feeling. She is old school and would probably be supportive as this activity is not hurting anyone, but she would probably say she did not want to see it. In other words she would love me and support what makes me happy, but would not go shopping with me fully dressed.

[Stevann]

I am a CD. A few weeks ago my 25 year old son called from graduate school telling us he was transgender, and is trying to figure out where he fits in the spectrum - said he might even be a transsexual woman. It was a shock, but I'm coping better than my wife (we have a DADT relationship). We told him that we love him. He has requested a clothes shopping trip for his Christmas present when he comes home late December. (We all know how expensive it is to start dressing.) We will give him that trip, and will support him in whatever way he needs.

[NicoleScott]

... I'd sit down with my son and gently ask why he was dressing as he was.

I hope you are prepared for "I don't know" answers. I still don't know, not really, and I've had a l-o-n-g time to seek those answers. Still curious, but still don't know, not really.
I was caught playing with lipstick as a child and punished by my dad - he spanked me while verbally humiliating me - and never asked WHY I did it. Of course, my answer would have been "I don't know".
But if you could get some kind of answer you would be better able to advise/assist/guide etc. Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement. I don't know if I could have confided to my mother that I found crossdressing sexually exciting. We're pretty good at building walls.

[Beverley Sims]

am naturally biased but there are mothers who wanted a daughter and will do anything to substitute their son for it.
Other than that there is the normal reaction that moves with the time, gay, transgender or any thing in between.
An understanding parent is always an advantage.

[Amy Lynn3]

Stevann, my comments fit your situation, as well as the question Katie ask. Love and respect the son, no matter what. At times people have problems with two different standards....one for people we don't know and one for children, however the issue is the same. My answer is...we love the child no matter what they do, even murder for example. We may not approve of what they do, but we could never deny they are our children, so just love and respect them as any other child.

At this point a child does not need a parent to turn their back on them, as they have enough to deal with. The child just needs to know we love them and respect them. Children need love, no matter how old they are, or do. We as parents need to provide a home base/safe haven for our children to run to, even if the entire world is against them. The love of a parent, for a child should never know any bounds, restrictions or conditions. In turn the child should love and respect the parents.:2c:

[Lynn Marie]

From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

[Tracii G]

ReineD's reaction is what I would do.

[Stephanie47]

My parents would not have been accepting of surprises. My parents did not walk in on me dressed in my mother's attire. I strongly suspected they knew. How can a woman explain a broken bra strap on her one and only black bra? Or, how could she not see her lingerie draw was out of place? Once the security chain on the apartment door saved me as it gave me time to take off her dress and stash it in the laundry. My father was trying to break the door down, but, the chain held. Thinking back I'm pretty sure they plotted to "find" me. My lame excuse of using the toilet held up to scrutiny. My parents thought normal teenage masturbation was immoral and would destine me to hell. I guess between masturbation and wearing women's clothing I'm headed to a warm climate in my sundress!

I remember how I escape all the parental crap a parent can shovel. I volunteered for the draft and ended up in the infantry. I was wounded and those disabilities, physical and mental will always plague me. What parents may do will have an effect on their children.

I have always been supportive, spiritually and financially, of my son and daughter. I have made suggestions, but, have let them choose. When they failed I picked them up. In the end those kids are my legacy.

So, if my son or daughter had come to me and disclosed they were gay or lesbian or transgendered or just liked to wear women's clothing, I'd accept them. I'd also counsel them as best I could about navigating the perils society has placed on these wonderful people.

How my parents reacted to sexual minorities had a profound impact on my life that took decades to unravel.


From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

[Joan_CD]

I would say the same thing I said to my cousin when he told me his son was gay. I held my arm next to his and said the same blood flows through both our bodies... and through his... and I will always love and support him.

[MsVal]

Our daughter wanted to meet with her mom and me privately. When we arrived we could tell she was quite anxious. After the usual small talk she said "I'm gay." We replied "That's fine, but what did you want to talk with us about?"

Parents often know a LOT more about their children than their children are aware.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Dianne S]

I would offer my son love and support. As a parent, I cannot imagine doing anything other than supporting my kids unless they did something that hurt others.

[justmetoo]

I don't know. I can only tell you how my mother reacted when I came out to her (in my 50s). Unequivocal love and acceptance. She's been around and has some experience and knowledge of a variety of life-styles and gender and sexuality. And she knows me.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement. I don't know if I could have confided to my mother that I found crossdressing sexually exciting.

I completely agree its different. My H is a sexual dresser so not only is it a very private act that follows the hormonal tide, it's also not about blending in and acceptance as a female, but standing out and dressing as sexily as possible. If my H went out in his chosen outfits, he would stand out like a christmas bauble! And really, that would be the point and the thrill. It's really not a very feminine thing to do, lol.

And his mother actually knows, including that it's a sexual 'kink'. She wasn't surprised at this part to be honest and would have been more shocked if he'd said it was a gender thing as she told us that he never showed even the smallest signs of femininity or confusion as a child and he still doesn't. That's because he hasn't any. And my mother in law reacted amazingly to the news, but then didn't want to mention it again. Given it's a sexual thing, we're glad for that as family don't usually discuss these things..eeeewww. :)

[Leslie Langford]

This is a rather odd question to be asking the members of this forum, as the answer is pretty much a foregone conclusion (sort of along the lines of "Who is buried in Napoleon's tomb?"), and the results will obviously be statistically badly skewed. And as you can see from some of the previous posts, that is exactly what has happened.

To begin with, you posit as one possible option: "... or do you tell him that you want nothing to do with it and that he shouldn't mention it again?". Seriously? For a CDing father, that would be the height of hypocrisy, or an act of extreme cowardice not unlike the closeted homosexual who joins other 'haters" in gay-bashing as a way to cover up his own sexual orientation and not have them turn on him as well.

Secondly, it has been my observation that most of the GG's who participate in this forum do so because they are either confused or conflicted by this whole thing and are seeking answers as to why their husbands or SO's participate in such a "deviant" activity. Then there are those who are willing to accommodate their partners in accepting this behavior to one degree or another because they sincerely love them, and are seeking the necessary tools and guidance to help them overcome their innate revulsion towards it. Frankly, I'd be willing to guess that you could count on the thumbs of one hand the number of GG's here who are genuinely intrigued, supportive - and indeed, enthusiastic and encouraging - of their partners' crossdressing.

So again, while a mother may "accept" that their son is a crossdresser once the big reveal is made (after all, mothers typically love and support their offspring, even if they are serial axe-murderers), if they are honest about it, they would likely admit that they are about as thrilled over hearing this news as finding out that their son has leprosy, defrauded them of their life savings, married a Kardashian, or the like...

[Lady Catherine]

My mom told me I was her son and she loved me. If I wanted to be her daughter, that was just fine with her. Peace.

[ashleymasters]

Well my parents discovered my girly clothes when I was in high school andade a spectacle of it. They paraded me to a Christian therapist and made me meet with our pastor weekly for a long time. That is not good for anyone I think. Since telling my wife that I dress she has said she wants left out of it but, I know she still loves me. Obviously you love him sound would stick with that. That you love him and how ever involved you want to or do not want to be is your choice. It would be the same if he were a motorcycle rider and you thought it was dangerous or scary. It doesn't have to change much between you two at all. Wait a while for the shock to wear off.

[Dianne S]

So again, while a mother may "accept" that their son is a crossdresser [...] if they are honest about it, they would likely admit that they are about as thrilled over hearing this news as finding out that their son has leprosy, defrauded them of their life savings, married a Kardashian, or the like...

No, I disagree.

The reaction of spouses/partners is unique. In most cases, they started a romantic relationship with a man and that's what they expected to have. So they feel the most pain and betrayal at the revelation.

A parent has a completely different sort of relationship with their child; it's not sexual or romantic, so it's probably much easier for a woman to accept her child as transgender than to accept it in her partner. My mother was not thrilled when I came out to her. But neither does she see it as a big negative. I think her biggest worry is about my safety, to be quite honest... she always asks if anyone has "said anything" when I've been out as Dianne and she always tells me to "be careful".

If my dad had been transgender, however, I don't think my mother could have handled it nearly as easily...

[MissTee]

Wife and I have lost both a son and a grandchild. Both very tragically. From those experiences, we belong to a support group for parents and grandparents who have lost children. Oh, the stories we have heard of parents who said terrible things to their children only to lose them before having a chance to recant or say "I love you" again. For many, the torment haunts them endlessly and the Holiday season seems to compound that.

With that perspective, I offer up that should one of mine decide to CD or whatever I would not care. I will cherish and love them as long as I can. Worse things can happen.

[Seana Summer]

As someone who was once a 25 year old son, I hope you keep him as part of your life no matter how he is dressed. Being a CD can be especially difficult when your young and trying to figure out where you are heading in life. Being abandoned by your family, which I don't think you will do but some might, only makes things that much more difficult.

How big of a deal to make of it? He is 25, let him decide if he wants to share it with anyone or keep it totally private. If he wants to share it with you he might show up in your living room dressed up watching tv or he may openly wash his female cloths with the family laundry. If he doesn't want to share it he will continue to keep it hidden.

[Katey888]

My eldest son is 26 - and if that happened, of course I'd show him acceptance, support and advice - I would expect everyone on this forum to answer that in the affirmative even though some of us may struggle with our own self-acceptance from time to time.

His mother would be a different story, I feel... and this would be a particularly sensitive point with me because I am closeted and she has little perspective or exposure to anyone from the LGBT community. I'm pretty sure she would be horrified (supporting Tink's GG view here - an entirely natural and reasonable reaction) - she would think he might be gay, so we'd have to go through that whole sexuality-does-not-equal-gender discussion; and we'd have to talk about the whole TG/TS spectrum and how it doesn't necessarily mean he wants to transition; and then the need to express all things feminine... By which time I'm sure she'll be thinking of my love of nail polish - and how I know about all this stuff... I don't doubt that I would also be outed in complete support... :)

I'm sure mum would have the greatest difficulty coming to terms with this - but the most important points about advice have already been made, I think:


So, if my son or daughter had come to me and disclosed they were gay or lesbian or transgendered or just liked to wear women's clothing, I'd accept them. I'd also counsel them as best I could about navigating the perils society has placed on these wonderful people.


Whether we like it or not, there is still a societal bias against us and as a result, you son will have some hard choices to make. ... If he were to become public, he may be tolerated but not necessarily welcomed and his opportunities may very well be limited. Not all employers have a Tim Cook at the helm.

Like Lacey, I've made a life entirely separate from this side of me - not for everyone, I know - but ultimately I'd think a lot of the advice would be about whether or not one is able to keep this as a private habit or there is a need for a more open expression... That will depend on the individual.

Oh - and then mum and I would probably have a discussion about whether this is hereditary or not... :lol:

We can keep wishing for and working towards a more accepting world.

Katey x

[Teresa]

Katie,
Initially I thought as a CDer you were putting the question because it actually happened ! So I was intrigued to know what your answer was !

I'm going to repeat a reply a good male gave me on my fears of my son finding out about my CDing, He said, " What makes you think he's not hiding something from you ?"

My son is now thirty three and married so it's more important what his wife would say rather what we would say !
Whether I would come out openly to help with their situation is a interesting question ! Lets just hope it's a stays hypothetical !

[Judith96a]

Initial, frivolous, reaction? "Quit that crying, your mascara will run!", delivered in my best Sgt-Major's tone!

The more serious response would be to reassure him that he need have no concerns about acceptance etc. from ME (but that his mother may be an entirely different matter). Some little time later I'd have to tell him about Judith.

[Sophie Yang]

Katie,

Every mother is going to react differently to her son's disclosure. Much of it depends on her philosophy on life and what kind of relationship she has with her son. A lot of it also depends on how her son discloses his cross dressing. The scenario you describe in your post is much different than if he said, "everything is OK, but I need to tell you something important to me and need your feed back."

I told my mom a couple of months ago over two visits. My mom and I try to go out every Sunday for lunch. The first visit, I asked her to read the Time magazine article, "The Transgender Tipping Point." Doubt she really read it. The next Sunday I showed up dressed at her front door. Once I convinced her that I was her son, she let me in. We talked a little bit about it while eating lunch. So now, every Sunday, the two of us go out. After a while, she summed up her reaction with, "if it makes you happy, I don't have a problem with it." Sometime later she said, "I would like you to take a look at some clothes I have that may fit you."

On occasion, she gets tickets to the final rehearsal performances of a local theater group from the senior center she visits and we go to those. Besides Sunday lunches, the next outing she wants to go to is the Senior Center's Christmas lunch, Christmas eve.

I would say the hardest thing for my mom is getting the pronouns correct when we are out together. I am not sure if the wait staff hears "he'll have" or "she'll have". I just ignore it and help her order. To date, we have never had a problem.

Disclosing has certainly made us closer, but sometimes mom can still drive me crazy. It is the crazy times that I look back at and have to laugh.

[justmetoo]

Lady Catherine, your mother's reaction sounds the same as my mother's. Sorry to contradict Leslie Langford, but my mother is being honest with her positive and loving response. It's not acceptance in quotes; it really is acceptance. I agree with Sophie Yang (sounds like you have a great relationship with your mother), every mother will probably react differently, based on the mother, the son, etc. :)

[kkaye]

I've been a suspect most of my life. If , I told my mother she might not even blink. It's such a non-issue and, I lead such a normal outward social life, I know it would not make a difference to anybody, I know. I credit it to my liberal social circles.

[Jennifer Devine]

My parents would hit the roof if they saw me all dolled up especially as they think I have forgotten about crossdressing.
I only ever dressed up when they were out anyway.
But one of these days I will speak up and say that this is a part of who I am and it will never go away even after giving up for 3 years!
It just comes back with a vengeance!
But the funny thing is my mum will still ask me for clothes advice and what goes with what! Lol Big Tease or what???

[BillieAnneJean]

Crossdressing is not like robbing a bank, child predator, or advocating overthrowing the government. It is not even a crime. If you lived in some other parts of the world, a young boy would be wearing nothing, a gourd, a grass skirt, a dress or something that looked like t, or clothes similar to what females wear. Wait a minute, he already is. Women wear pants in some countries but would be shunned or worse in others.

I would offer my child whatever they asked or needed as long as they are not doing anything harmful to themselves or others.

But crossdressing? Come on! In the scheme of things, ya gotta admit that it gets a lot more attention for the evil it seems to be perceived as than it really deserves.

Besides, when I was part of my child's conception, I signed up for the rest of my life to be the parent.

[Pat]

Just a thought -- to me there is a general template to this question: what would you do if you came home and found your child had turned into a {CD, Trekkie, follower of a different religion, cop, truck drive, popsicle, etc.} The answer always has to start with telling him you love him, you'll always love him and even if you don't agree with him or understand what it's all about, you'll be there for him.

That's really all a parent has to do. ;)

[mechamoose]

The best thing you can do is be a parent who loves their child.

So.. what if they wanted to be an actor? An artist? A peace corps volunteer? Would you support them (yah, you would)

So.. finding your kid having gender issues and trying to make that right should be the same.

Support your kid. That *IS* what a parents job is. To teach them how to navigate the world.

<3

- MM

[Eryn]

...CDs maybe slightly biased....

Ya think? :)

Of course we'd be biased, but in a positive way. We've been there, we've felt the fear, disgust, and self-loathing, and we've at least partially found our way down this road.

If I am presented with anyone in the same situation, son, daughter, or friend I would want to help them find their true path as well.


From what I've seen on this forum is that parents are accepting of surprises from their children whereas wives most often feel deceived, cheated on, and hateful.

Lynn Marie, that's a mighty broad brush. There are a lot of spouses who are accepting. We don't hear as much about them because they don't generate as much drama as those who are not. Nearly every time I go out with other TG people our spouses are in integral part of whatever activity we are doing.


...Dressing to satisfy a strong internal feminine identity is a completely different animal than dressing for sexual excitement...

This is true, but at a young age the lines are blurred. A youth doesn't really understand why they are driven to experiment in this way and virtually everything will have a sexual component. Later on the sexual component may diminish.

[Katie Russell]

Hi

Thanks for all the replies.

Firstly I want to point out that I do not have a 25 year old son. It was purely a hypothetical question directed primarily at GGs and those of you whose mothers are in the know. I also appreciate that any CD is going to be totally biased in their answer.:)

It seems that a mother's love for her son is unconditional (in the majority of cases) and that she would be supportive (I just want you to be happy) and concerned about their son's safety. It was sad to see the reaction of some parents but it maybe more to do with a lack of understanding than anything else. I watched a programme called Forbidden Love: Our gender swap wedding (thread in Media section) which included the reactions of the parents or more specifically the mothers as I can't remember hearing from the fathers. It took some coming to terms with but in the end they were supportive as was the rest of the family and really echoed some of the answers in this thread.

A GGs love for her SO seems to be based on different dynamics. It's not unconditional and as Tinkerbell alluded to to there is also sexual element involved. Maybe this explains why a mother can support a son but would walk away from her SO for doing exactly the same thing. I appreciate that the majority of members her are supportive of the SO but you only need to do an internet search to find a lot of vitriol and hatred of CDing partners. I'm sure that if it was their child who CD then they would be supportive.

That is really what I was trying to understand from the question. If a GG loves her SO what is it that changes that that doesn't in the case of a son? In the question I posed the son has been deceitful and kept a secret for any years but is forgiven and supported. I have read many posts here about the lies and deceit being the worst part of finding out but is that really the core reason? Is it that a GG is wired to look for certain 'manly' traits in her SO and when they are compromised then the attraction and love are lost?

I don't know but I thought that by contrasting a son and SO it maybe a way of finding out a little more.

Katie

[Andy66]

Edit: Sorry, Katie, I must have misunderstood your original post. Sorry I yelled at you.

[BillieAnneJean]

WOW Katie!
Way to go! That last post of yours was terrific!
The concept that a SO would accept her son's CDing but not her husband's is interesting. But may I add my two cents worth?

A woman marrying a man who appears to be the "typical" guy (ie: not a CDer in this case) accepts a kind of contract that he will be what she sees at that time before the marriage ceremony, as an example during courting. If later on he becomes a CDer then her contract with him is altered. Sorta like when people bought those Cadillacs that turned out to have Chevy engines. The car was functionally as good but the cache was altered.

An interesting side note is that culture in the USA allows women to, post marriage (and before), work outside the home or not, wear dresses pants or sweats, cut her hair short or grow it out, made up or looking like she just fell out of bed, look like a woman or a man. And that is perfectly within her cultural rights. Pity that we all do not look at those cultural givens and think about whether or not they should be cast in stone, like that it is unacceptable for men to wear "women's" clothing or look like a woman.

Having a child is like mixing a cake and waiting to see what it turns out like. You know what you put in to the mix, you are just never completely sure what the final product is going to be until it is completed. And you have to accept that. Marrying a SO we think that we know the final product. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe we should all realize that people are in a continuous process of small changes and that we must work together in keeping those changes at a good or acceptable level to both partners.

So yes I have posted a comment. And I have done it in a polite and helpful manner. I would rather be part of the solution.

[Katie Russell]

Sorry Andy66 it was not my intention to manipulate or decieve anyone. My thread started with 'Imagine' as opposed to 'I' and I apologise if it caused confusion.

I do understand the different between a wife-husband and mother-son relationship and I do not want my wife to be a second mother. What I was trying to ask was at what point support is lost. Obviously some GG on this forum support their SO whereas others find it difficult even though they still love their husbands.

Katie

[Sarasometimes]

I never told my parents but from the reaction i got while in high school when they found a women's hair-styling book (I wanted to be a hairdresser) in my desk gave me a clear signal that CDing wasn't something to bring up at anytime.

[NicoleScott]

If he wanted help with frilly dresses and sissy maid's outfits, I would explain the difference between having gender identity issues and fetish, and advise him to go online and find suitable resources for that. I couldn't possibly help my son engage in fetish dressing.

Yes, this is a tough one. Crossdressing to feed a fetish is a personal and private matter. Not just because it's sexual, but also how it's perceived, and not just by outsiders but here as well. Coming out as a crossdresser wanting to express a feminine identity may get raised eyebrows, but tell someone you dress for sexual pleasure and people start looking for an exit. It's a condition we didn't ask for but have to manage, and that's best done in private alone or with consenting partners.
I have a maid's outfit and enjoy wearing it along with other things that excite me. But like you,I don't think I could help my son (which I also have) engage in fetish dressing, even getting both of us past the embarrassment. I can't even imagine a son confiding in his father that he dresses for sexual excitement. That's how personal and private it is. And not just personal, but highly personalized.

My best advice would be to embrace it, manage it, control it, enjoy it and be discreet, as I hope he would with his other sexual encounters not having a fetish connection. Importantly, at the point when a relationship gets serious, tell your partner. If it's a deal-breaker, better now than later. Also importantly, fetish-driven crossdressing can be an enhancement for bedroom activities with a willing partner. Just be careful not to allow the desire to crossdress to replace a normal sexual relationship with your partner. It's a slippery slope.

As for going online for information, I can tell you what returns when you search for sissy dresses, maid's outfits, and fetish dressing. There's going to be a lot of digging to get to those "suitable resources". But it's common to look for others with similar drives and tastes, if only for reassurance that we're not the only one.

[ReineD]

Nicole, exactly. Mothers have no business in their sons' sexual fantasy lives.

Nevertheless, I'd still find it difficult if my SO were to engage in fetish … this holds true for any fetish, not just the ones involving women's clothing. Fetishes are great when both partners are into it (I mean really into it and not just tolerating it or being accommodating), but they're not so good when one partner sources sexual excitement from something outside his partner, while the other partner sources it from her SO. It can feel awfully empty for the person who is not into the fetish. Take the crossdressing out of it, and say a husband is into AB. If the wife is not, they are severely mismatched.

Katie Russell, re your comment #41 about the hatred of CD partners you found online … I think that a great many CDers are into this for fetish. They may not belong to this site, or if some do they may only participate marginally as the members who visit the Gallery occasionally since the rules here are quite clear against any sexual content in posts. But, there are tens if not hundreds of thousands of CD sites out there ranging from CD-porn to fetish-type clothes, to meet-up sites and this indicates a fairly large fetish or 'sexual interest' number of CDers.

It may well be that the dislike you have encountered among wives is there because the wives are married to men who get more thrills out of the dressing than they do with their wives, as mentioned in my second paragraph.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Reine, it's absolutely the sexual dressers who many disgruntled wives are married to. I am married to one myself and I have a collection of wife friends who commiserate together about this thing we share. It's sure not easy sharing your H with the fantasy woman inside him. It's a surreal situation to find yourself in so it's no wonder so many wives are not pro crossdressing! It's like letting his mistress live in the house, only she's really ugly and turns your H into a horny, high, mirror-loving prostitute!

It's not all bad though if you work things out and my H and I have found our balance now. But for those who haven't yet found balance, the wives don't live with calmer, gentler men expressing an inner self like so many here. They live with great highs and angry lows and obsession and porn and the feeling of being worshipped and used, all in the same moment. It's tough marrying a man with a different sexuality as you're always either with it or competing against it. Until you decide not to anymore, and only then can the two of you figure out a compromise.

But yeah, I wouldn't want anything to do with my sons sexual crossdressing as my MIL doesn't of my H's, understandably. Again....eeeewwwww!

[jasminetv2]

+1 Katey's response and then take her shopping

[Teresa]

Katie,
The answer to your last paragraph ( 41)is that husband and wife are only partners, their son is flesh and blood ! My wife and I may have arguments but to fall out and find fault with your children is totally different your role is to support them and that comes naturally to fall out with them is unnatural !

[wantstocrossdress]

You find out your 25 years old son is a crossdresser... you're also crossdressed and he is better at it than you. :)

[Mink]

Yes, this is a tough one. Crossdressing to feed a fetish is a personal and private matter. Not just because it's sexual, but also how it's perceived, and not just by outsiders but here as well. Coming out as a crossdresser wanting to express a feminine identity may get raised eyebrows, but tell someone you dress for sexual pleasure and people start looking for an exit. It's a condition we didn't ask for but have to manage, and that's best done in private alone or with consenting partners.
I have a maid's outfit and enjoy wearing it along with other things that excite me. But like you,I don't think I could help my son (which I also have) engage in fetish dressing, even getting both of us past the embarrassment. I can't even imagine a son confiding in his father that he dresses for sexual excitement. That's how personal and private it is. And not just personal, but highly personalized.

I guess the problem for me here is that it is seen too much as either/or / black&white!

what if the son / any guy has a Fetish for crossdressing in one sense (in private and or with a partner) but then also has a public side? (where it is non-sexual) ???

that creates a bit of a problem!

you don't want to be "showing off your fetish" or being sexual in public... but at the same time the mind and body can separate these things...

it's not all that different than just regular sexual stuff... don't do it in public and don't tell people about it that you shouldn't (like family / esp. parents!) ... but we all know it's damn happening

it'd be like an S&M type person... they can do whatever they want in private but shouldn't wear their gear / clothing in public except if they're in a place that it's ok... but they could still wear stuff that is kinda S&Mish / gothy ... wear all black all the time... talk about it somewhat with the right type of friends

it's a damn gray fuzzy line!


I feel like I can tell friends and my father or sister or aunt that I like to wear dresses and maybe even wear them in front of them but I wouldn't want to go into the sexual side

so it's something I want them to know about me because it's important but finding the balance is tricky...


seems like most on here are non-fetish (or keep it to theirselves!) and the implication on other sites they are ONLY fetish...

where we act like there can't be both sides ... it's more complex and complicated than it is made out often times..

[Samantha_Smile]

I've often considered how I would respond in this situation. Hell, I've lived my CDing life having never had the 'talk'.
And if there is a genetic component to this and I pass it on to any sons I might have, then I only hope that I am able to have an opportunity to show them - It's alright.

Of course, there would be the shock factor of coming home to find him in that state of presentation. But only the same shock you would get if someone sprayed your black car into hot pink overnight.
Same car, just a bit pinker.

First thing, I'd want to know their motive for dressing - Is there any dysphoria or need to live this way, their response to this question should steer the rest of the conversation in a better direction.
Asking if he's gay doesn't really seem relevant to me, his gender and sexuality have little to do with each other.
And of course I'd come clean about my needs to CD too. Let him know he isn't alone, he's got nothing to be ashamed of and he is not broken.

I imagine a scene similar to Michael J Fox discovering both he and his dad are Werewolves in the 80's classic movie - Teen Wolf.
Only instead of growing hair, there would be more shaving :D

[VAWyman]

I can sorta imagine what it would be like and how I would react. I found out that my son-in-law is a serious alcoholic when I had to pick him up at the local police station (my daughter was out of town). He was so ashamed of himself. All I did, could do, was to re-affirm my love for him. I told him that this was a road he would have to face, but that I would always be there to support, to love him, and that I had his back 100%. It has been rough for him and his family as they still keep it from our extended family, but we've grown closer and he shares openly with me whereas before he was rather reserved toward me.

[NicoleScott]

Mink (post #52) you make a lot of good points. I suppose there are fetish dressers for whom it is 100% sexual, and there wouldn't be any reason to make this public. There are many of us that enjoy both the exciting sexual aspect of dressing as well as the non-sexual, going out side. Docrobbysherry spoke of this and so do I. When out in public, it's a non-sexual social event. In private, it can be sexual, or not, whatever....
While I go out in public (not so much any more, but a lot in the past), I do so as Nicole and do not identify myself by my real name. So I go out, but I'm not "out" (except to my wife). I don't know how to address the concern of being out to family and friends as just a crossdresser, but with a private sexual side. But then, in guy mode I don't discuss my sexual life with family and friends. My best explanation (if I were open and asked to discuss why I crossdress) is that I have an internal drive (cause unknown) to crossdress. That's it. Nobody needs to know about the sexual side. It's personal and private (but at some point should be shared with the partners we're committed to).
Your observation that crossdressing is seen by others as all-or-none sexual is shared by me and others. But it is only one, even if the major one, of several different reasons (fun, relaxing, comfortable, taboo,......)

[Alaina Ann]

I would accept the fact from my son as long as he wasn't hurting anyone else. My mother started me out crossdressing when I was little. She wanted a girl at birth. I loved it and the frills and we often went out as Mother and Daughter. My Father didn't really like it, but he learned to accept it and we are still one happy family and I have a very lovely wife who accepts me as I am.

[biannne]

If I were to find out that my son is crossdressing, I would not confront him or ask any questions till he is comfortable enough to come forward. But I caught him the act, it would be awkward situation since one of us are prepared to handle this kind of situation no matter how well you are prepared.
I would be understanding and supportive of his choices.


Anna

[Jilmac]

I have three sons and if any of them told me that they dressed and have been doing it since a young age, I would let them know that no matter what, I would always be the dad they looked up to. I would also thank them for having the courage to come out and be themself.

[TinaZ]

As a parent of two teenage sons, let me contribute something I think is vital - don't wait to catch your child!

I have these general conversations with the boys all the time and the gist is, "I love you and you are supported here." I don't specify cross dressing, but they know for a fact that if they had gender issues (and I think my oldest does - but that's another thread), or if they're gay, or asexual, or want to pursue life in the circus, or WHATEVER, that mom and I will not judge, but we'll talk.

This is not a consequence free home, of course, but they both know that if they're not harming others, or themselves, that we'll be there for them.

Bottom line, I'd never "catch" either of my kids crossdressing, because i have already tacitly given them the green light to explore it if they feel the need.

[leannejacobs]

I've been a CDer for many years but only came out to my wife two years ago but prior to that, a few years ago my wife found my stash, mainly underware, that was never talked about and pretty much brushed under the carpet, however a year or so later my wife found some panties, two or three pair in my youngest sons bedroom, she tackled him, I stayed out of it, so I'm not sure what the outcome of it was, what was his excuses??

I'm assuming he has had crossdressing tendencies too but it's quite a while ago now and my opportunity to discuss it with him has passed, if he's like the rest of us this will still be part of him, maybe dormant for a while as mine was, any ideas how I could bring this up again without him clamming up? He's now 21 and back living at home after spending the last couple of years living with his girlfriend.

Not an easy subject to discuss with your son but if it's there I'd like to steer him in the right direction to prevent the mistakes I've made, what do you think?

[Rhonda Jean]

Nicole, exactly. Mothers have no business in their sons' sexual fantasy lives.

Nevertheless, I'd still find it difficult if my SO were to engage in fetish … this holds true for any fetish, not just the ones involving women's clothing. Fetishes are great when both partners are into it (I mean really into it and not just tolerating it or being accommodating), but they're not so good when one partner sources sexual excitement from something outside his partner, while the other partner sources it from her SO. It can feel awfully empty for the person who is not into the fetish. Take the crossdressing out of it, and say a husband is into AB. If the wife is not, they are severely mismatched.

Katie Russell, re your comment #41 about the hatred of CD partners you found online … I think that a great many CDers are into this for fetish. They may not belong to this site, or if some do they may only participate marginally as the members who visit the Gallery occasionally since the rules here are quite clear against any sexual content in posts. But, there are tens if not hundreds of thousands of CD sites out there ranging from CD-porn to fetish-type clothes, to meet-up sites and this indicates a fairly large fetish or 'sexual interest' number of CDers.

It may well be that the dislike you have encountered among wives is there because the wives are married to men who get more thrills out of the dressing than they do with their wives, as mentioned in my second paragraph.

I always thought it was more palatable for wives if it was just a sexual kink. It seems to me to be something bigger, deeper, if it's not just a kink or fetish. Maybe there's a difference between a kink and a fetish. Amazing how much I still don't understand.

[Kaz]

Kink or Fetish or whatever... he is who he is and is exploring... As a father I would support him 100%... no question.

Ah the question about being better at it... they know more now than we will ever know... If we had this stuff 30 years ago?

We would be in a different place!

Love
Kaz xoxoxo

[ReineD]

I always thought it was more palatable for wives if it was just a sexual kink. It seems to me to be something bigger, deeper, if it's not just a kink or fetish.

It depends. My impression is, the kink aspect (if it's just having occasional fun in the bedroom with heels, hose, etc) is fun when engaged in it TOGETHER, mostly at the beginning of relationships when people's sexual interest in one another is at a high. At this point the gf still feels as if she is the main interest and the girlie things are just accessories.

But, early sexual highs seldom last as we all know especially if the couple commits and live together. Relationships deepen and that "new" sexual excitement is replaced with deeper emotional bonding. So if a CDer begins to give the impression that he needs the girly things in order for sex to happen at the same level of quality as it was before (if he can hardly be aroused without these things, or the sex seems flat without them), there is a balance shift and the gf now feels that the girlie things are the main interest and she has become the accessory. This is a turn-off for most GGs especially if she suspects her bf/spouse of engaging in solo time while dressed. She will then feel as if he is taking energy away from their sexual relationship in favor of CDing.

[TinaZ]

Reine, it's absolutely the sexual dressers who many disgruntled wives are married to. I am married to one myself and I have a collection of wife friends who commiserate together about this thing we share. It's sure not easy sharing your H with the fantasy woman inside him. It's a surreal situation to find yourself in so it's no wonder so many wives are not pro crossdressing! It's like letting his mistress live in the house, only she's really ugly and turns your H into a horny, high, mirror-loving prostitute!



Couple of points, Tink:

1. Your husband is a crossdresser (noun). He was before he met you, he would be if he had never met you, he will be if you stay, he will be if you leave. It has nothing to do with you, so when you talk about it like it's some sort of competition between you and some imaginary woman, you really, truly, shockingly don't know what you're talking about.

2. But let's say your ridiculous scenario is real, and this is you vs. imaginary woman; I hate to break the bad news, but technically, YOU are the mistress, not her. She was there long, long before you. She knows things about him you'll never know. She's ALWAYS nice to him. She always treats him respectfully, etc. Are you sure you wanna go up against this girl? (Hint - stop fighting her and make friends with her. Life will improve dramatically.)

3. The part of your quote I put in bold is perhaps the most cruel and vicious insult I've ever read on here. If you really feel that way about your supposed partner in life, well ... that's your business. But, yeah, that comes off absolutely hateful and I was disappointed reading it.

[ReineD]

I hate to break the bad news, but technically, YOU are the mistress, not her. She was there long, long before you. She knows things about him you'll never know. She's ALWAYS nice to him. She always treats him respectfully, etc. Are you sure you wanna go up against this girl? (Hint - stop fighting her and make friends with her. Life will improve dramatically.)

If the prime sexual interest has always been and will always be an image of the self dressed as a woman, then it's a shame that a wife did not know this from the onset. Likely, a wife thought on her wedding day that her husband was into her sexually as much as she was into him and that they were both one another's prime sexual interest.

Even though many people like to say that a relationship shouldn't be all about sex, it is a fundamental building block of any romantic relationship. Sex is a healthy, basic, biological need and the reward is good indeed when couples are sexually compatible. I write this as an opinion, but if you do some research, you'll find that most therapists say the same thing.

Still, some people do function well if they're not on the same page sexually. They might choose to step away from an active sex-life together when they discover they are not sexually compatible, in favor of preserving the other things in their relationship (companionship, respect, friendship, economic security, the safety of a family for the kids). They may only have sex occasionally or not at all, or they may become satisfied with the cuddling aspect of a physical relationship which does satisfy a need for human contact. But my guess is that younger (or older) GGs who do have a sex drive and who are married to fetish CDers want more than just these things and this is why they feel cheated when their husbands are more aroused by something that is not his wife.



But, yeah, that comes off absolutely hateful and I was disappointed reading it.

I agree that Tink said things that are not nice. But I do understand her anger, which would be the same as if her husband were having an affair.

[TinaZ]

If the prime sexual interest has always been and will always be an image of the self dressed as a woman, then it's a shame that a wife did not know this from the onset. Likely, a wife thought on her wedding day that her husband was into her sexually as much as she was into him and that they were both one another's prime sexual interest.


... Thi is why they feel cheated when their husbands are more aroused by something that is not his wife.



I agree that Tink said things that are not nice. But I do understand her anger, which would be the same as if her husband were having an affair.

So the husband lied, or withheld something vital. The wife doesn't have her ideal marriage. I'm sorry about all that, but coming into this space full of people who've done no harm, and then tossing around these painful, poisonous darts because of anger at an individual, is bad form. And to be frank, I'm a bit tired of reading these hateful barbs in threads where they don't belong. I'm not the only one, either, based on private messages I've received.

Anyone with deeply held anger ought to be working with a couples therapist, or an individual therapist. At the very least, anyone that resentful might consider starting an appropriate thread about the potential damage cross dressing can do to a marriage and vent the anger in the right place (leaving it out of a thread designed to talk about supporting a child).

Because, as I see it, that line about the husband being an ugly, high, horny, mirror-loving prostitute was as much intended at me and every CDer here, and I'm putting my heel down and saying, "That's enough!"

[~Joanne~]

Lynn Marie, that's a mighty broad brush. There are a lot of spouses who are accepting. We don't hear as much about them because they don't generate as much drama as those who are not. Nearly every time I go out with other TG people our spouses are in integral part of whatever activity we are doing.


I agree. It's a very broad brush. My SO is accepting, encouraging, supportive and all around wonderful about all of this I have brought to the table , late into the game, sort to speak. I think those of us that DO have all of this, don't talk about it all that much just as you have stated because we don't have a lot of drama in our lives but I know for a fact that I try not to because I truly feel for those that don't have it a fourth this way. I don't like bragging also. I am very lucky, that is all I have to say.




Because, as I see it, that line about the husband being an ugly, high, horny, mirror-loving prostitute was as much intended at me and every CDer here, and I'm putting my heel down and saying, "That's enough!"

Not every CDer, We are all different though I am sure there are some that are just as her SO. You have to wonder why she is still on this forum all together. She doesn't support her SO, would never her child, and is beyond any help, support, or advice that we could ever offer. Her mind is set in stone about all of this so I doubt any other GG could get any positive support from her either. At this point I think she does more harm to this community than good. This is just my opinion though.

[Mink]

the point is there's a world of difference between a guy who CDs in moderation and one who is utterly lost in the pink fog and a fetish type dresser who is bordering on sexual addiction!

one can be a loving husband and the other could be a self-absorbed jackhole who is not nearly devoted enough to the love of his life!

his wife!

she's not the man he married!

[Lorileah]

consider this a yellow card...if you all continue to with this sniping...then red card and you can all go to the showers

[ReineD]

So the husband lied, or withheld something vital.

It's not about withholding information about the CDing. A lot of older members were married before the internet, they had no resources, and they had no idea what to even call it. It's rather about misrepresenting one's sexual interest. I don't know if you understand that an important part of any (most?) romantic relationships is the sexual connection and the special intimacy that comes with this. In other words, a person's sexual orientation is hugely relevant when they marry.

When two people get married, unless maybe it is a marriage of convenience, the assumption is that they are into each other sexually. If a guy knows that he doesn't need his wife to satisfy himself, if there is something else that floats his boat for lack of a better term, then having her think that he is heterosexual (into GGs vs. self-focused) and she is the true object of his desire is not right. An analogy would be to pretend to be in love with someone and marry them while lusting after someone else.

I repeat, I do understand why she had a moment of anger directed towards her husband (and not you).

[Starshine24]

Hi Katie!!!
I don't have experience in what you're asking but I do wish to share my current experience. I am currently twenty-six years old and my parents do not know I CD. I have been CDing since I was 9 or 10. My mother caught me in an unstylish women's one piece bathing suit and denied that it ever happened. I wish I could tell my parents but in some way or another I wonder if it is any of their business. I don't mean that in a rude way but in this type of way: When I brush my teeth do I start with the top teeth or the bottom teeth first? The real question here is whether I brush my teeth or not I do? Then it's acceptable.

Am I happy?

I am happy being a CD by myself. I've wrote on this forum about being a closet CD and wanting to go out but have decided in my best interest to not share with the world thus far. Whether my parents know or not is strictly my business just like which side I start brushing my teeth on. As long as I am doing it (or doing what makes me happy) is what is important.

I really hope this makes sense. I am a little bit tipsy right now and trying to explain a deep and personal belief is about as difficult as someone trying to build a rocket with nothing but dirt.

[JillyJones]

Obviously not a GG but I am a parent. Whatever I find out about my sons in the future is fine with me as long as nobody else is being harmed. Simple.

[NicoleScott]

Because, as I see it, that line about the husband being an ugly, high, horny, mirror-loving prostitute was as much intended at me and every CDer here, and I'm putting my heel down and saying, "That's enough!"

No need to be offended. The comment was about sexual dressers and their wives, not directed to ALL CDers. For those of us who have strong sexual aspects to our crossdressing, the comment was not only unoffensive, but brutally honest.

[LilSissyStevie]

Likely, a wife thought on her wedding day that her husband was into her sexually as much as she was into him and that they were both one another's prime sexual interest.

I think you should consider that this is only half the equation of sexual attraction. The other half is how one views the self. One isn't just attracted TO somebody, one is attracted AS somebody as well. To illustrate, take the typical masculine identified hetero-normative male and have his wife/girlfriend put him in a dress with high heels and lipstick and let's see if he can still get turned on after that emasculating experience. I'd bet he can't no matter how much he was into her. But for the typical CD it's a dream scenario. If either side of the equation isn't working then dysfunction sets in.

[SabrinaEmily]

I'd wonder what I had done wrong that he didn't feel safe telling me long before the age of 25.