Good ole fashioned family hate . . . .

[Anne2345]

A couple of weeks ago, I came out to the world. Not exactly the way I intended, but that is neither here nor there. What is is what is, and it cannot be undone. Nor would I have it so undone now if I could. I just wouldn't, because it is right that I finally be. . . .

My reception, such that it has been, has been both unexpectedly positive and unexpectedly negative. There has been little ground to be found within the two extremes. At least thus far there has not.

In any event, hate knows no boundaries. Within my own freaking family there is plenty of hate to go around. Earlier today I received a message from my cousin Jeff, who is a couple of years older than I am.

Growing up as a kid, I thought he was the complete shit. I totally looked up to him, and worshiped him and his every move. I could not wait to see him and hang out with him every time our families got together. Dude could do no wrong in my eyes.

Anyways, that was a LOOOOOONG time ago. That was WAAAAAY back in the day, long before I knew crap about crap.

Much has changed since those days. And even more, at least as far as he is concerned, changed when I came out just recently.

Out of nowhere, out of the blue, and after being assured by his wife that he was cool, he wrote me the following message:

"Sorry to hear of your demise they say death comes in three's I guess this is somewhat like that even if you get your Dick cut off you still will never feel the same orgasm that a woman feels and hell Greg your almost 50 no since changing horses now your youth is behind you can't change that from here we will just grow old but hey you do what you want **** your kids head up it's a ****ed up world why should you be any different hope you don't get buyers remorse when that Dick hits the back of your throat or when some poor basterd find out you were once a man and beats your ass to a pulp life ant all about dress up there are things in life that will **** you up and from what I hear you have become a casualty! YOU are very selfish Greg I myself will not be apart of this dumb shit!"

It’s good shit, is it not? Funny ha ha stuff, right?

Yep. That’s my cousin Jeff. The dude I held on a pedestal in my youth. The dude I tried to emulate and be like.

Thank the gods, though, that I ain’t like him, and that I ain’t like him in the least.

He and those like him are NOTHING to me. They are NO ONE of consequence. They hold NO power over me. They change NOTHING. And worse, they are just plain bad, hateful, ignorant people. I would not wish them on the world. The world should not be subjected to their hate. No one should be subjected to their negative, identity stealing, asshole douchebag ways.

I deserve better than that. You deserve better than that. We ALL deserve better than that. The WORLD deserves better than that.

Regardless, Jeff's hate is not on me, it is not my problem. He can go F himself for all I care now. He has failed me miserably, and he has failed my family. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is exclusively and solely on HIM.

So whatever, right?

But here’s the deal – there are a ton of Jeffs out there. There are more Jeffs in my own family than I care to admit, and they make no bones about what they think about me.

Yeah, it sucks. It blows. It hurts. And it leaves me reeling in disbelief.

It is what it is, though. It just is. So if this is also included within the already steep price of the process of transition, then so be it. That also is what it is . . . .

And more than anything, it is *their* loss, not mine . . . .

[ArleneRaquel]

Anne,
I'm sorry to hear that hate is response is the best thing that Jeff can come up with. It has been my experience that people who are the most hateful toward LGBT's/CD'ers have or are afraid that they have similiar tendicies. Love & Best Wishes.

[natalie edwards]

hmm...noticed he seems obsessed with "dick" and oral sex...just sayin'

[whowhatwhen]

I'm sorry you've lost and struggled so much :(
Responses like his are sharp reminders how being hurtful is second nature to some people.

[Natasha V]

Wow sorry to hear that Anne, sometimes what people don't understand automatically hits the hate platform. Don't be surprised if one day he will try to take back every word said. Anne you were very strong to come out to your family i still can't get past coming out to my mom. Hopefully you stay strong and stay positive. Take Care...

[Bria]

I can understand your feelings have been severely hurt, what a hurtful reply! I remember your story about standing up to the loud mouth at the fair and know that you will come through this crisis and be OK in the end. I'm sorry that you have to be subject to such unkindness. I will continue to remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Kacey Black.]

Excellent story there. Although I cannot relate to it personally, I can relate to it as I have a once close friend that would do the exact same thing... thus, I just let him go before it ever went that far and I choose carefully who I tell.

You're better for it anyway.

Go on.

[Jason+]

It hurts a lot when the people we thought were the most informed and getting-it-right people in our lives throw a 180 and are suddenly not the people we thought they were. If transition wasn't important to you we wouldn't be having this post about it. What my little sister has taught me about it is that eventually it becomes the most important issue whether you are ready for or want it to or not.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

That's horrible Anne, I'm truly sorry you have that kind of bad feeling in your family. I can't help agreeing with several others that Jeff may have some uncomfortable personal feelings invested in that message, and whether or not he does, he may come in time to regret his cruelty. Could be many years though. Carry on dear girl, we must all live life on our own terms- even Jeff.

Hugs, Nikki

[arbon]

What a heartless self righteous jerk. Really sorry he said those things to you Anne.

[LeaP]

A thoroughly alpha-male, dominance diatribe. This is the type of person that literally pisses on a vanquished opponent on the ground. No wonder you looked up to him. You've spent a good part of your life trying to be just like that in many ways. Be happy you've escaped it.

It really is unfortunate, however, that he cited your age in the way he did- and that you included it - where I could read it, Chica Vieja ...

[Sara Jessica]

Gosh, I'm glad you write so much more eloquently than Dick does...I mean Jeff...no, I was right the first time.

I agree with Lea, the alpha male bleeds through his words. Dick probably drives a large loud truck that is all jacked up and is all kinds of proud of the noises he can make with his body.

Regardless, your attitude in the face of such hate is to be praised. I wish you nothing but the best as this all plays out. BTW, your hair is looking way too cute these days!!! :)

[rachael.davis]

that's one less Christmas card to worry about. live your life, and let him fester in the little private hate filled hell it sounds like he's made. and yeah, it really sucks when you find out who your real friends are

[Veronica_Jean]

It is sad when we think someone is fine with our changes only to find out they totally are not. Clearly he is so uninformed and out of touch that the only safety he can find is in tearing you apart for the changes in your life that you need to make. You are very correct in that you really don't need him and his deciding to not be apart of it is a blessing. As long as he continues to make that choice, you will be fine.

So many guys are shocked to find out that not only do I enjoy being a female, it is just the same for me as it is for other women. If it looks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, and acts like a duck, it must be a duck. It is just that simple. I think, feel, act, love, and react like any other female. So who cares what I was born with between my legs, it doesn't define what I am, or you either. Let him go back to his world of insecurity and uninformed biased self-reassuring illusions that he knows what is best for you and his selfishness should be accepted by you as true wisdom. You really don't need that in your life sweetie.

hugs,

Veronica

[MonicaJean]

What a jerk.

I say send him a Christmas card, with a gorgeous pic of you in it, relate a small message of how happy you are now. And thank him for his support and care of your situation. Lay it on thick.

This will show him who the bigger person is.

[Henriette7]

Hi Anne

Sorry to hear about your cousin Jeff, you should send him a link to this thread, or even better, email the hole one to him.
He needs to learn a couple of things before he opens his mouth next time....

Keep up your smile and be glad to be out of his life.

Big hugs
Henriette

[Stephanie47]

Unfortunately this is part of life..encountering hostility and negativity from assholes and morons. Frankly, I would recommend to those contemplating "outing" oneself to be selective in who you tell. If you tell one, you may end up telling all. Hopefully, there will be many more people among your family, friends and neighbors who will not express any negative feelings in such a manner. At least you know where loud mouth stands with his vulgarity. I just posted at a different thread my thoughts about negativity coming from the poster's mother. 'Outing' oneself, intentionally or unintentionally, may have some serious consequences. My wife and I have a 'friend' who is one of the most bias idiots dragging knuckles on the floor. He is against anyone who is not vanilla..gays, lesbians, blacks, etc. He does not believe in "mixed marriages." So, my white daughter marries a fine well educated black man. He had to meet so he could ascertain whether or not this man was good enough for our daughter. Some way I'd love to get into his mind and see the muddled confusion as he tries to sort out his prejudices and how he expressed himself to us over the years. Frankly, if he were not married to the woman we really consider a friend, we would have no contact with him.

Anne, what I would do in your particular case is to forward your cousin's email to all the family members to whom you outed yourself. Let the entire family know the true depth of his ignorance and hatred.

[claire_hollinger]

I come from a family of fire-and-brimstone baptist religious nuts. I have come out to my gay younger brother, gay oldest brother, and my mother, but I would never even consider the rest of my family. My oldest brother wasnt even allowed to come to Christmas because he is gay, and my younger brother got dropped off in the "GaY" part of Columbus, Ohio when he came out to our dad at 14 because "that's where his faggot as$ belonged". I have accepted this as a fact of life. Ignorant people run rampant on the planet, and my family has a higher than normal per capita, so I have chosen to adopt people around me who accept me as a surrogate family, and feel welcome around them.

[Angela Campbell]

not necessarily hate. Big chance he is speaking from fear. You see, this is a direct challenge to his masculinity. To even suggest any male would stoop so low as to want to be a woman....much less try to transition....is an assault on all men in his eyes. An assault on him. To admit it is possible, is to face his own insecurities. He fears being thought of as a person who is not masculine more than he fears anything. He has desires, and fantasies he will not admit to anyone and the false attacks on others are many men's way of making themselves appear to be what they are trying to present to the world. (which is usually very far from reality)

He is simply protecting his delicate ego and self image. How embarrassing for him.

[Xrys]

I am sorry you received such a hurtful and insensitive responose from someone you had once held in such high regard. It is often hard to see people we look up to expose their own flaws. I hope in time he comes arround, but only time will tell. Until then, I wish you the best of luck, and that you stay strong. I am finding this road can be full of surprises, and not all of them are bad ones.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Anne, first of all don't respond to Jeff. It'll keep him guessing and won't give him ammunition to fire back. It might seem that he had a vested interest in a guy-guy relationship with you and now it's about to change. Sounds like he can't deal with that. That's his problem.

You must do what is right for yourself. After all, it's your life and your body. I have a friend who transitioned and her entire family won't talk to her and have written her off. Some family love huh? Even her gay brother wrote her off! Today she is happier than ever! She's still married to her wife and both are professionals who enjoy life in many ways. She could care less about her family now and has built many new relationships especially with her wife's family.

Don't let ANYONE make you feel any less of a person than you are. Let them go back into their caves.

Cheryl

[Persephone]

Rough one! Every damn shot like that hurts horribly.

You admired him, but is it possible that when you were in hypermasculine mode he admired (and was jealous) of you? I'm betting that your life and career overshadow his and now this hits him even harder.

My theory in all these situations is based upon something part Thoreau and part Oliver Wendell Holmes, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."

Most people really do lead small circumscribed lives. We break out, for better or worse we live large. Our highs are higher than ordinary and our lows more painful than theirs, but I for one love those highs even though the price is the lows.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[KellyJameson]

You can always tell the men who hold women in contempt and see women as lesser than men.

As something to be objectified,used and cast aside. The inferior whose only good is what she does for men

They absolutely hate and fear transsexuals.

His problem is not with you but with all women. He see's you as a traitor, deceiver and betrayer of men but in truth he is the one that is the traitor,deceiver and betrayer of men by his contempt of and for women.

His hate is not for you individually nor for women collectively but for himself that he projects onto all women. Transsexuals make men who are unsure of themselves as men "more unsure of themselves" by are existence.

We are not the aberration but their contempt for all women that they project onto us for making them face the injustice of their contempt.

He identifies as a man but he is unsure of himself as a man and uses woman to repair this by holding them in contempt, individually and collectively

To elevate himself from the lowly position he holds himself in the privacy of his own mind he must lower others, particularly women.

Transsexuals are at the tip of the arrow that all women ride on.

Most women at some point experience the hate of a man for being a woman, particularly transsexual women.

[Dianne S]

I read your other article with the link to the story about you in the local paper. You are a successful attorney and living an authentic life; you are in fact an inspiration to me as I'm still in the very early stages of transition.

Your cousin is a small-minded hater who doesn't deserve the time of day. Move on and leave him in the dust.

[Marleena]

Jeff just spewed some of the most hateful transphobic and homophobic venom I think I've ever seen. The good news is he can be replaced by true friends.

[kimdl93]

Sorry that you had to be subjected momentarily at least to his bigotry. Fortunately, you can delete his words from the screen and omit him from your new life as well.

[Rianna Humble]

Anne, I am truly sorry that you had to endure that diatribe, but your response and the way that you shared this with us shows what great progress you have made within yourself.

The Anne of a short while ago would have been devastated and begun doubting herself, maybe even made some promises that she knew would be overly tough on her. This Anne responds in a much different way. You are a strong woman, rightly confidant about who you are.

[DanaR]

It has always been hard for me to understand why people can be so hurtful and hateful, at least the ones that should care about you. My youngest daughter has been that way with me.

[Kristyn Hill]

you are such an inspiration to me since joining here.

[VanTG]

Take Jeff's email and place it in the trash can on your computer. Then take a screen shot and send it to him. Then send him a address for a counsellor because that man is hiding something himself.

[phylis anne]

Sorry to hear of your pain some of my family is the same way so preserve for the greater good I stay somewhat androgonous so I can have my peace and preserve the familys peace ,but society has since it's inception always trashed or maligned and even killed what it does not understand . Don't give these people the satisfaction you and ony you own you (wish I could always practice what I preach) someday hopefully the light will come on to the "jeffs" of this world . Now to the forward march and never look back
hugs phylis anne

[gonegirl]

Unfortunately, because transition is so misunderstood in our culture it can trigger extreme reactions like your cousin's. Some people see it as a dangerous challenge to their belief system of how the world is supposed to work. I know it's incredibly hurtful but you are best to excise people like this from your life and from your thoughts. You need to leave this crap behind as it occurs otherwise it will just pile up and bury you. Instead, focus on yourself and what and who is really important to you.

[traci_k]

Anne,
Sorry you had to hear that from someone you once looked up to, but that boy needs some help. A simple good-bye would have sufficed, but to spit out the vitriol he did, there’s something more at play. Frustration with his life, jealously of you having found happiness, who knows? You have made an incredible transition and come out an incredible woman. You ARE an inspiration to many of us here.

What comes to mind reading his words though are, me thinks ye doth protest too loudly. His male insecurity is showing. May I suggest a read Anne Vitale’s paper on “The Gender Variant Phenomenon – A Developmental Review” Early Adulthood Stage. It describes how the gender struggling male may adopt the view that women are less than men. They use sexism as a cover of their desire to be a woman and must continually feed that hated lest they succumb to their desire to be a woman.

Love and Hugs Anne,

[CONSUELO]

Cousin Jeff is a right arse. His diatribe says a lot about his issues and nothing about you. Sounds like his wife is about the same also. I would say he has shown his true colours and is not worth thinking about ever again. A low-life if there ever was one.
Be proud of what you have done. You are a stronger and more courageous individual than he will ever be.

[Anne2345]

Oh, believe me, I cut family ties with him and haven't looked back since. Nor will I. In fact, who is this Jeff douchetard I was talking about anyways? :idontknow:

[Janelle_C]

Anne I'm so sorry for all ignorant shits in all of our life's that we have to encounter in or journeys! I know it's easy to way it's their lose but it still hurts. It is their lose and that's the important thing to remember. I hope the people closest to you can be supportive.