*****frustrated, support and lack of support*****

[mykell]

soo i had some time to reflect on a situation im in, I'm comfortable here but feel rejected by my local group,

those who know me know I've come to accept myself and my CDing and have had lots of firsts since joining, first time sharing online, sharing photos, reveal to my wife, and even anticipated some new fronts of firsts one of which was going to be out in femme, since I've been here I've planned to be going to a christmas gathering.
not so easy…. had to have a conversation with my DADT wife, posed the question here on how to go about it and used some of that info to get a conversation stated, mission accomplished, now to make contact to the local TG chapter.

well not an easy task, its been over a month and still no scheduled meet up for consideration,
the contact on the web site has been slow to accept me and even pawned me off to a member here on the site and then went back to the original contact (by no means the fault of the member here). we shared numerous e-mails and now nothing.

so yesterday came a milestone in my relationship, Saturday night and the mrs. turns to me and asks when my get together will be coming up, stunned and elated at the same time it quickly turned to anger as i had no information to relate to her and explained that no one had confirmed with me from my contact. she started a conversation with me about crossdressing and i had nothing on topic to add other than my disappointment with the contact. its been a month in the making with no tangible results….

now i have been here for well over a year and welcome folks daily if possible as i know the angst one must feel poring the heart out for the first time for some, then tried to wonder how the same newbies would feel if they had tried to find that support on the local level here and feelings they may subjected too with the incomplete support and paranoid preoccupation they seen to project, myself i would of bailed out and sought help elsewhere…looking for p-flag perhaps next.

so with my business sense i think its totally the wrong way to go about it as you will never attract the numbers and quality of membership to sustain a group like this and on a personal level i understand that its volunteerism and safety for the members with the group. but i hoped to join and fill some of that void myself as i have time to commit but feel it may just be a waste of effort at this point.

now being a jersey girl and familiar the numbers of girls here alone just on CD.com my thoughts are how can we have quality groups around the states in this country but not accomplish that here in my state, especially with the numbers we have…
i thought we were jersey strong but in my attempt to get out of the house with a support network i feel weak ….not so strong to say the least….

whats my point, well to anyone that has a committed local support network do take advantage of that commodity as it may not be the norm. and those that volunteer in these types off networks try to look at it from the outside in and realize that although your are putting in your own time you may have to accept that their are risks of exposure to assist the ones your seeking to help.

so im frustrated is the bottom line…why does it have to be like this…am i not good enough of a crossdresser ???? are folks that "COLD".

[Nikkilovesdresses]

It could all just be flakiness Mikell- if the main driving force behind your local group is flaky, it would explain much.

Please don't lose heart- your wife sounds very understanding, perhaps just content yourself with working on increasing her support for now- that's such a massive, important thing.

Given that you have a head for organizing, have you thought of starting a group yourself?

[Crystal Beth]

If that group cannot respond I would say forget it. They probably put the same time (or lack of) into their meetings. It all sounds haphazard and poorly done. Why waste your time if they don't have their act together?

[GretchenJ]

Hi Mikell,

Agree totally with Crystal on this one. This is a moment in your situation where lack of response is the absolute worst thing that you want, especially on those days of confusion or angst. I have subscribed to some of the PA sites, and the support groups, and they are on top of things. May be a bit of a ride, but may be worth it. PM me and I can give you additional info.

Good luck !
Gretch

[MsVal]

You're not alone, Mikell, I'm frustrated too.

I have my choice of a several active support groups in the metropolitan Detroit area. One is less than ten miles from home and conveniently meets on a Tuesday evening. It's a great opportunity for TG/TS people to talk about their problems and get support from the group. That's wonderful, but not what I am looking for. I want to get involved with a social group, one that talks about makeup, fashion, shopping, etc. A group that has outings. The only local social group was on life support and is now comatose.

I ought not to be complaining. I am blessed, and I know it. I have an accepting and partially supporting wife who encourages me to get out to the support group meeting each week. She helped me select several nice new outfits that are hanging in our shared closet. I am seeing a skilled therapist who is helping me accept and learn to like myself. I seem to have so many blessings, all I lack is an opportunity to dress.

Our adult son, adult daughter, and her preschool daughter live with us. We care for the little one while her mother works. I am never alone in my house. None of them are aware of my dressing. I don't care if they learn about it, but my wife does, and I respect and support her feelings. That leaves me with NO opportunities for dressing at home. Each time I open the closet door I am reminded of how seldom I can wear the nice things hanging there. I have makeup that I cannot wear because I must be prepared to take it all off, completely, in only a minute, to answer a family member's request.

You and I may not be able to do anything but talk about our situations, but talking sure beats holding it all inside.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Kelly DeWinter]

Wow, Your post comes across as a Type -A corporate mission that must be accomplished by everyone around you with the sole purpose and goal of supporting YOU . Support groups are just that, there for support there is no agenda. relationships take time to develop. If people are backing out of meetups or not showing the support you expect examine your expectations. If YOUR goal is state wide or national support groups, there are groups like TriEss or local GLBT chapters around colleges and university's .

I have met many gals from this site both in drab and dressed. Some have rescheduled at the last moment, or changed their minds about dressing or not. Jus stay relaxed around people and it will work out

[Launa]

Here's my take on what might be happening. The local group might have been strong at one time but now might be fizzling out because we don't need them so much anymore. The younger folks are finding their way into the world either by transitioning young or living their cis-gender lives out in the open without closets. This leaves the old local groups to still have the original folks running them and this can get old and boring for them. Take my local group for example and they used to have up to 50 active members 2 times a week! Now we are somewhere around 12 active members and its been as low as 4 members to a meeting. Our website is virtually dead with minimal activity and we have thought of shutting it down because we are now on Facebook etc.
The other problem that has happened at our club is nobody wants to take control of it with that being said things can fall through the cracks if its not run like a business. Such as a Pres, VP membership etc...
I will also add that CD'ers can be a bunch of whishy washy FLAKES in general. I have seen many times when a newbie says I will be there for the next meeting and you get a no show, never to hear from them again. Or we get the T-chasers and panty thrillers trying to join and they need to get weeded out.

Now back to your problem of meeting people and making friends:

1. Go to your local P-flag chapter meeting but keep in mind that you will see a lot of young folks there trying to Transition.

2. Go on Facebook and do a search of clubs or anything happening in your area or on the outskirts, other cities etc...

3. Go to your local Pride center for help. It might be the same place for your P flag meetings.

4. See what happens with your membership at your local club. They sometimes drag their heels which is so stupid. I always try to reach out to the newbies that sign up because I know they're sometimes scarred and confused.

Launa

[Sara Jessica]

Wow, Your post comes across as a Type -A corporate mission that must be accomplished by everyone around you with the sole purpose and goal of supporting YOU . Support groups are just that, there for support there is no agenda. relationships take time to develop. If people are backing out of meetups or not showing the support you expect examine your expectations. If YOUR goal is state wide or national support groups, there are groups like TriEss or local GLBT chapters around colleges and university's .

I totally disagree. A support group that puts itself out there to support a community needs to follow through with its commitment.

The screening process is understood. But to make it available but to have "senior leadership" fail to follow through is simply unacceptable. I agree with what has been said before. If this is how they operate their screening, I'm guessing the meetings will leave a lot to be desired.

Back in the early to mid-1990's, there were three support groups that I somehow managed to find. One in OC, one in SD and another in the Inland Empire. For better or for worse, none had a screening process such as those which were evident in more national organizations. All provided well run social gatherings and/or meetings in their own ways. Only one of these groups is still around (SD) and while I used to attend monthly, it happens that I haven't been down there in over a year. I hear there is a bit of a screening process that is involved now but I haven't spoken with leadership about how & why this came about. Still, it would be my full expectation as a sometimes-participant in that group that they stay true to their mission and give the courtesy of responsiveness and follow-through with respect to whatever screening process they now have in place.

[Tracii G]

If you know when and where the local meetings are held just show up on a meeting night.
Contact the local GLBT or GLSO and ask about trans groups in your area.
Don't wait on any one person to invite you just go on your own.

[Adriana Moretti]

There has got to be more in Jersey....Jersey is PACKED with gals , I know alot of gals belong to this group, but its not so much support as it is about having fun. http://www.meetup.com/Mid-Atlantic-Trans-perienceCommunity/
there is also CDI which meets in Manhattan on Weds. Sometimes groups are pretty half a$$ cause well...they are run by people who are here today and gone tomorrow. I will ask some of my jersey gal pals if they know of any

**I Looked again at the site, the DO do..a support meeting too

[Tina_gm]

A couple of things, things change, support groups of any type fizzle out, people move etc etc. Or it might just be going through a lull. Or it might be a very inclusive group. They are only interested in those who are serious and will want anyone who does join to basically knock their door down to do so.

I agree in principle that a "support group " should have open arms, but perhaps this group may enjoy a small but serious inclusive setting. And that's ok too.

[Tracii G]

There are groups that are just for fun and to get out and mingle,some are for hook ups (sexual) and some are for trans related support.
Its your job to find out exactly what you are looking for.
The group I am a part of is a mix of FtM and MtF as well as post op transsexuals both male and female.
We discuss trans issues like GID, hormone therapy, legal and medical issues as well.We have speakers sometimes, doctors that deal with trans patients even police trained in trans issues.
Even have makeovers done by professional make up techs.

[Alice Torn]

Like one said, support groups do fizzle out. Though not a TG group, i went to Adult Children groups starting in the mid 1980's. Some were very large, up to 100 people, but within four years, it fizzled out! The 12 step Adult children group here, fizzled out and died, a few years ago, too. We had about 8 people, then five, then three, then fizzle out. It is not just the CDTG communty, but all of society breaking down socially, it seems. Two singles groups i was in, were packed, in 2000. By 2010, one had disbanded, and the other one down to a skeleton crew, from over 300 people, down to about 25, at the dances. The internet? people found mates? people gave up? No doubt there are a lot of good support groups for a lot of things still going strong, like AA and Alanon. People are stressed out, hunkering down a lot. As an aging bachelor, i am accepting life alone with my cats, and helping my difficult odd family of origin. We live in stressful, discouraging times, a mixture of good, and harsh things, as humanity has always had, only now super high tech.

[Tina_gm]

I do not believe that society is breaking down alice. It does alter the landscape. That is merely the action of time. Times change, societies alter. Communication alters to reflect changes in society.

For anything negative someone can say about society, a positive can also be countered. We all have to be able to adapt to change. The support groups you were involved in fizzled yes, but support groups are still strong, just not those. So, for you or mikell, find ones that are strong and meet your needs.

[Nadya]

I can sympathize with your frustration as it took me a while to get in contact with a local group here in Utah. My only advice is to not let it get to you. It's easy to think something is wrong with you but it's sounds like something is weird with the organization you are contacting. You sound like a strong person, especially since you had the courage to talk to your wife. There are plenty of people you could get support from here on the forum until you can make contact with a group that meets in person.

[BillieAnneJean]

Ms Val,
We have just what you are looking for.........but in Grand Rapids. Complete with changing rooms. You can come and return home in guy mode. Check out our website at:
http://www.crossdressersmichigan.com

In our FAQ you will find the ideas behind our IN events and our OUTings. Also check out DRAB to Fabulous which is a four day OUT enfemme event every spring. And out multi day Halloween OUT enfemme events every (obviously) Halloween. Also we will be adding Friday night through Saturday night enfemme OUT events through the winter months.
Billie

[MissTee]

Unfortunately, that's the nature of volunteer groups. Some are strong and some not. Likewise, many of the good ones can can eventually fade. I've experienced this with Toastmasters, Master Gardeners, VFW, American Legion, Compassionate Friends, etc. There's a lot out there to attract the volunteer mindshare, and the competition changes all the time. Best thing to do is move on and find a strong group, and then enjoy it while it lasts. Good luck!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Support groups typically have an open arms policy. People tend to leave when their needs are not met in the way that they expect them to be. A perfect example is a friend of mine who is an alcoholic. He expects his sponsor to be on call 24/7 for every little issue he has in life. Then grouses and blames his sponsor for when he falls off the wagon. Similar issues crop up in our community.

[Paula_Femme]

Hi Mikell

You could try FetLife (https://fetlife.com/), as their blub says, "Similar to Facebook and MySpace but run by kinksters like you and me. We think it is more fun that way. Don't you?"

I was active in the BDSM community for a very long time and had many people recommend FetLife to me as a way to make friends from all possible parts of the "alternative" lifestyle community.

Sometimes those friends became more, and sometimes they were just that, a group of like-minded individuals who enjoyed each others company, either in social settings or one-on-one.

Although the site proudly displays its BDSM roots, as far as I'm aware, CD's and all who live their lives along the Trans spectrum are welcome to join.

Good luck! :battingeyelashes:
Paula

[Sometimes Steffi]

You want to be able to give your wife an answer, and I have an answer for you.

Tell here that you're planning to go to the Keystone conference, March 18 - 22, in Harrisburg, PA.

I can guarantee that you'll meet Jersey girls there.

http://www.keystone-conference.org/

Then you can arrange to meet them when you get home.

[Katey888]

I feel your frustration, Mikell... :hugs:

It can't be easy within a DADT relationship - harder in some ways than being completely closeted... but you have some fantastic events in the US and a lot (it seems) within just a couple hours drive from you - perhaps that would be the best way to get out? More social... definitely more people attending, and the chance to meet some folk you have already met online here.

Perhaps a couple days away would be negotiable with the missus...? You'd have lots of positive support, a safe environment, and make some good contacts too... :)

I think Steffi's advice for Keystone is a good one!

Katey x

[mykell]

thanks everyone for all the responses,

just to hit on a few things, this was huge to me,my wife started a conversation about crossdressing and i had nothing to bring to the table except frustration i was feeling with an event i had waited to attend for a year, a little presumptive on my part i guess, but in a nut shell less than a year ago i revealed to her that i had this predisposition to wear womens things and explained to her i wasnt gay, two months ago i asked for permission to attend a function with support for transgendered and although she wasnt thrilled she just didnt want to see or know, so now that its time for me to dress as a women and meet other men dressed as women that are not gay it got "flaky". you bet im frustrated....

nikki: i hope their is a better explanation than flakiness,

kelly: im sorry it came across as a "corporate mission" my point was how would a newbie react in a similar situation, i was referred and vouched for and had even submitted my cell #, which i now believe is a mistake, and this was a local chapter of a national organization....

adrianna: i will be looking into the group you suggested, it may be more in line with what im looking to accomplish....one of my points was that with the abundance of members from here why would we have to go "there" for events and support....

katey and stephie: when i first joined last year i started a thread about such an event as i never had heard of a safe haven like that, i was quickly reminded that this was not a pick-up site, but for me its a question of finances, how do you not take a family vacation for 8years and then ask for a retreat for your crossdressing, as much as i would like too its not in the cards.....

just wanted a little local meet-and-greet....never stood in front of someone who admitted they were like me....didnt think is would be such a hard thing to accomplish.

[Alice Torn]

Miss Tee has it right about support groups rising and fallin. Such go the way of all empires! Gendermutt, with all due respect, i did not say all support groups fizzle out. I did say some are still going strong, such as AA or Alanon. I have never been to a Tg group, as all too far awy, or convention. I simply cannot afford to go to a convention. My church has an 8 day festival in the fall, but i cannot afford to go to that, anymore either. These are very hard times for a few of us.

[docrobbysherry]

Been there, Mikell. I'm a closet dresser. When I stumbled out of closet to discover this site 7 years ago, I wanted to see what other CDs were like in person. Heard about TriEss and at that time they had a nearby, uh--er--mission? However, as I had been warned here, they weren't CD friendly. They only wanted TS's with their SO's at their meetings. I forgot about it and attended nation gatherings; SCC, and DLV, etc. I think that group is gone here now.

Then, about 3 years ago a nearby ts started a loose, "Let's go out and have fun", social group. Where everyone, TS's, CD's, SO's, T friends, anyone basically, is welcome. They have at least one event every week. Many r dinners and club get togethers. I've been joining them the last 2 years. There's a core group of about 35 that attend.

No meetings, just good times. Someone ought to start a nationwide T social organisation. I think it would definitely succeed!

[Beverley Sims]

Mikell,
All support groups and organisations suffer from ego trippers, suppress these and a group will survive.
People are a diverse lot and so are their interests.