And Then They Ask "The Question..."

[Persephone]

You're meeting new people or you're doing a name/gender change with some clerk and they, in all innocence, ask "So are you pre- or post-op?"

Awkward! And yet, "None of your damn business!" seems a bit harsh and makes them close down.

How do you respond?

Hugs,
Persephone.

[BeckyW]

How do you respond?


Polite Response: "I'm sorry, but that question isn't appropriate. You wouldn't ask a cis-gendered person about their genitals, would you?"

Funny (but pointed) Response: "Oh, I hate to talk about myself, so how about *you*? Are *you* pre or post op?"

I would personally lean towards the second one.

[Dawn cd]

Well, I had a tonsillectomy when I was six, so I guess you could say I'm post.

[Aprilrain]

I'd probably just answer the question, post op.

[kimdl93]

Ok, again, from the TG persons perspective, I've only been asked twice that I recall, and in both cases I've been pretty open in stating that I haven't and at this point don't anticipate SRS. The question does seem extremely personal and inappropriate for a clerk. In my case it came up as part of lengthy conversations with new acquaintances, so I wasn't offended.

[Dianne S]

It's never happened to me. I'd probably just say: "Yes."

[Sometimes Steffi]

It may not go over well in SoCal, but in DC I could easily say (half jokingly), "If I told you that, I'd have to shoot you."

There are so many super secret agencies and highly cleared people that everyone in DC would get it.

I just had another idea. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

[Jenessa]

The last time I was asked it was a a woman about my age, I simply said "If you have a couple hours and want to head to my place we can figure it out together;)".

[I Am Paula]

I just say "I'm all woman". It doesn't really answer the question either way, but it works.

[DebbieL]

My favorite answer is "Why, were you hoping to have sex with me?".
If they say "Yes", then it's "I'm very flattered, but I don't think my wife would approve".

The most important thing is to ask "Why do you want to know?".
If they are afraid I'll attack some woman in the rest-room, I can say "couldn't do that even if I wanted to, and I don't".

An misleading answer is "I've had some procedures, but there are some finishing touches". Those procedures are things like laser, hair removal, waxing, and hormones. I don't have to say "Surgical procedures", just "procedures" and let him (usually a guy) assume it was surgical.

I also tuck by turning it outside-in - if I say "It's outside-in" most think I've had the SRS.

I plan on having SRS, but not right away. A few other things need to be taken care of first.

[LeaP]

I understand the impetus but dislike the idea of deliberately misleading. I have the distinct impression that many postops don't mind answering "post-op." Those of us in the pre-op category, on the other hand, would probably prefer not to say or to deflect the question.

I like one of Debbie's answers the most, which is "why do you want to know?" Forget the possible oddball responses to that … someone either has a legitimate reason to know (e.g., trying to discern whether you satisfy some legislative or bureaucratic definition) or does not. If they do, you answer. If they do not, the answer is "that is irrelevant and personal."

[Michelle.M]

well, i had a tonsillectomy when i was six, so i guess you could say i'm post.

this! Lol!

[Angela Campbell]

Never been asked that, but if someone did my response would be a strange look and "excuse me?"

During my name change and gender change, I had a letter from my doctor which stated he performed a surgical procedure which changed my gender. It was on my face but it doesn't say that part. Now I would just show my birth cert which says female.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Why all the hostility? The question implies they have some knowledge or curiosity about, or interest in the subject, and why should your response be rude or defensive? Who's to say you aren't looking at your next SO! Do you want them to form the impression that TSs have a chip on their shoulder?

California is famous for people telling you their life stories at the bus stop- it's how Forrest Gump came to be written. I like the openness, the assumption that it's ok to talk intimately with strangers- isn't it better than the buttoned-up tight-lipped ways of other parts of the world?

[Angela Campbell]

Why the hostility? Because it is a rude question.

I don't live as a TS so I don't want to be considered as one.

[PretzelGirl]

Nikki, I feel the same as Angela. I first would be open with those that I was real close with and saying that it was a personal question to others. I realized I would have bleedover, so now I just don't talk about it. It can be done without being rude, but we also don't have to be an open book. Some things are personal or TMI.

[I Am Paula]

Strangers, or people I have just met never ask me. It was when I first came out that all my FRIENDS asked (usually with a chopping hand motion in from of zipper). My new GP asked, but that was legit.

[Aly Cat]

Personally, I don't have to say much. I guess my thoughtful pause has been enough. It's happened 3 times to me and all three times, they back pedal going..."was that too personal? Is that not a question I should ask?"
For all three I answered it this way. "I am an open book that can sometimes be a bit too open with details. I however would consider myself am exception. I don't mind answering any questions you may have because how else are you going to learn about my world? But for others? Ya, don't ask that. Many people who are like me are very private people and that could be offensive."

It's all about education. Most people when engaging in conversations about us are clueless and are very similar to a child. They have no tact and simply ask whatever, even if it's totally awkward. If you feel comfortable, then answer... But instruct them as well so that they know to use tact the next time around. That is how children learn to be polite to others and use tact. We are the adults... The "experts..". Who else is going to educate them? Also, I find that when I open the door for them to consider all the questions they might want to ask, what I have between my legs is no longer on the top of their list and therefore gets pushed to the side.

[Veronica_Jean]

For me it depends on the situation and the circumstance.

One of my favorite analogies over bathroom use when I went full time to the other women on the job was, "How would feel if at the end of a job interview they asked you to step into a room so they could examine your genitals to decide what bathroom you should use?". If it is someone trying to understand and the conversation has made its way there, then I don't mind telling them. I haven't had this come up in a casual conversation.

I do tend to be very open about this and tell people in advance, "Be careful what you ask, because I am likely to tell you and you may not want to hear my answer".

I have approached this from the perspective of, it not being a big secret, but I'm not going around wearing a sign either. If it is intended to embarrass or hurt, then I would likely become my typical sarcastic self and ask an equally improper and embarrassing question of them.

I am neither ashamed of being a woman or of my body. Is it their business? not really. If it is sincere and I think it may help one more person in the world understand a little more, I may just tell them and then explain why.

Veronica

[becky77]

Tricky one that.

On the one hand you don't ask a male stranger if he has a big penis or small one, so why are we asked such a personal question?
On the other hand such things have been sensationalised in media, there is a massive pornography trade for trans people and it has desensitised some people and made them curious.
We are all under the same umbrella and while a Clerk knows that not every woman is a hooker, they don't seem to know the difference between, Drag queens, TS, TV or ********.
Unfortunately it's uneducated perception, the Clerk may not ask a male stranger his size below, but she may ask that guy if she thought he was a male stripper.

I have not had this question yet, but i'm sure it will happen at some point. I guess I best formulate an answer.

Persephone, how did you answer?

[DeeDee1974]

Strangers, or people I have just met never ask me. It was when I first came out that all my FRIENDS asked (usually with a chopping hand motion in from of zipper). My new GP asked, but that was legit.

Same. My female friends that I have known since college seem most interested in it. Also guys I'm chatting with will always ask, but they usually want me to be pre for reasons I'm not interested in.

Strangers never ask and neither do my new friends I have met after transition.

I'm an open book most of the time so I would just answer honestly.

[Nigella]

Not a question that has come up for me either, but here in the UK, such a question would be considered inappropriate if there was no relevance for asking it :)

[Jorja]

I don't think I have ever been asked that question.

[LeaP]

Turning away personal queries from strangers with no vested interest in the information is not hostile!

Etiquette 101 - You don't ask personal things because it is impolite to put the other party in the position of possibly refusing, or alternatively, answering when they may rather not. It's presumptuous of the reply, which is somewhat arrogant. It's medical information, which has a special protected status. Talking about genitalia is widely perceived as, variously, taboo to uncomfortable to racy to prurient. Broaching any of these, particularly without KNOWING the other party's boundaries, is inconsiderate and ill-mannered. Finally, consider a man asking this of a trans woman. Would he as easily ask a natal woman of a certain age out of the blue whether or not she had undergone a labiaplasty. No? Then what does that say about his view of a trans woman? Yes? What does that say about him and why would you want to engage in a conversation about your genitals with such a person?

[ReineD]

"This is highly personal. I do not care to discuss my genitalia with strangers."

[mechamoose]

At least they see you as 'different' and are willing to ask the question.

Not so bad, really.

- MM

[Eryn]

First, remember that, in the second case, this person is a government employee performing a task that is furthering your goal of having your paperwork match your presentation. It won't do to insult or anger them.

Even with someone you're meeting socially, being hostile or insulting isn't really good form. You want to be friends and calling them out for being inadvertently nosy doesn't promote friendship.

A good response might be "I'm sorry, but these days it is not appropriate to make that inquiry." and leave it at that.

If the person is genuinely curious you might explore with them the current reality that many individuals do not desire surgery.

[abigailf]

This is an opinionated topic, but I would probably come back with some smart response like "let me ask, do you swallow?"

Reminds me of something funny I said to my wife's aunt. We've been trying to have kids for five years at the time and experienced multiple miscarriages. Her aunt asked "So, when are you having kids?" Seeing my wife visibly upset I stepped up and respond "Well, it's not for a lack of trying. I mean she swallows it all and still we can't get pregnant." There was a momentary hush in the room and then some of the younger people started to laugh. I mean really, to some that question would be fine, but to others it is considered rude. Opinion just like the OP's question.

People of all walks are asked rude questions from time to time; it's not just us in the TG world.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Depends on how open is your book ( life ) and how many pages (years ) you wont others to read about you as a person , stand in front of over 3 Million people TVNZ and give talks to many 100,s and being invited to,

Nothing hidden what about my private life whats that dont have one or need one, knowing full well that included aspects of our family , and then being reconised in public and have people come up to you and say hi, we know about you and have a natter,

Im just one of those who can and dont mind my life being an open book one out of a number of reasons being to give others the oppotunity to learn about those of us who are seem or just plain different so others are not afraid to ask and talk about whats it like being the way you are,

and how do you live with in socity and to have the courage to go through what you have , just a normal day to day happening , no drama,s and meet many 1000,s of people from around the world ,

Yes i,v had many surgery;s over the years, no big deal , oh just the one and i was ready for that , could have been major complicstions , i got through that .

May be im just too open yet its opened up so many doors = To .... Many..... peoples hearts and that has been so neat so lovely and an experance i would have missed had i not been so open with people , The love that has been shown to me over the last 10 years has been .....JUST SO FANTASTIC......from friends and strangers ,

My life is for others to share to enjoy and be part of them , is that to much to ask ,

Sorry i dont know any other way ,

so what am i ....does it really matter , ...NO... its about who i am that will count and thats about my ...LIFE .... different .....yet accepted .

...noeleena...

[Angela Campbell]

At least they see you as 'different' and are willing to ask the question.

Not so bad, really.

- MM


Not so bad? It would be awful.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

In five years, it never happened to me..

Persephone has it happened to you?

It's a rhetorical question because the answer from me would be in the moment and dictated by circumstance..plus the media focuses almost totally on our transformation, people are conditioned by that.

[sarahcsc]

I would say,

"I don't understand what you mean. Can you be more specific? "

And if they wanted to know if you had SRS, I would just say" why do you want to know? "

I think it's a very curious way to approach the situation which is largely harmless.

[Nicole Erin]

Such sensitive ladies here.
My response, on the rare time it comes up, is "Only lovers know for sure".
The only question I hate is "what was your old name?"

If someone knows what I am packing, alright they know but my old name is way more private than what is in my shorts.

Hey also if some creepy guy asks about it, just say "I got a vagina" and they will lose interest immediately.

[Cindy J Angel]

Like some i have naver been ask that question. I do consider my self to be tg and i am out in my town all the time. I have just about been to all the stores and have not been ask that. There is a girl that is ts and i went to talk to her for over a year. (Witch i have finely ) i would naver ask her that. Only if she start that talk first.
Now if some one would ask i would tell them just were i am at. I am a man on the out side but on the in side i am all woman. I am going out no matter what i will not hide and i will not be belittled. As i see it we as a group are at the bottom of lgbt spectrum. Even the President keep as off the bill. What i see is we talk to our own on forms but we dont talk to the general public and as we progress and transition most just went to b the girl. This is just my interpretation now, its what i see on here. And on this post.
With out education and a dialogue how are we going to chqnge the perception of us. Is the question inappropriate yes, would i chastise the one asking no but i would let them know that some would be mentally hurt. I know some work hard to get were thay r so do i. Love Cindy Merry Christmas

[Persephone]

To answer a few folks, it has happened to me twice with the incidents several months apart, so it is by no means common.

In each case it was someone who knew me as male in the past. One was a personal friend who has always been very accepting and whom I am generally very comfortable with. She asked about my "surgery" while we were both sitting a couple of chairs apart in the beauty salon! I don't think she was being malicious, she probably just wasn't thinkiing about the intimacy of the topic since she and I have shared other details of our lives in other conversations. Was pretty damn embarrassing to me though!

The second was asked over the phone by someone I've worked with for many years. It was the first time I'd "come out" over the phone to someone of significance in my business life. I usually like to do it in person. I was stunned by the question and pretty much told him so!

It wasn't strangers nor waitresses who asked me; I never get any indications from strangers that I've been "read," it was from people who knew "him" before.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Rianna Humble]

You're meeting new people or you're doing a name/gender change with some clerk and they, in all innocence, ask "So are you pre- or post-op?"

I can't imagine that happening in the circumstances you suggest. If I have just been introduced to someone, I do not ask them about what surgeries they may or may not have had/want. Why should someone who has just been introduced to me as that?

Anyone dealing with me in a professional capacity (other than a doctor or a nurse in circumstances where the question might be relevant) would be committing professional misconduct and I don't take that sort of behaviour lightly.

I have been asked by people I know socially or at work but never on first meeting. My response then depends on how much I trust them. Even when I decide to give them the information, I let them know gently that this is a very obtrusive enquiry and that other people may feel offended by such a question.

[mariehart]

Strangely this is exactly the topic of a dream I had last night. I hadn't seen this thread earlier. Essentially I was back in my old office job. For some reason that's a theme in many of my dreams. I worked as a clerk typist, unusually for a man. But in the dream I was clearly a woman. Post op fully transitioned and apparently back at work. It was time to go home and I was finishing up when Louise came along. She was a woman I had worked with in real life, very likeable and pleasant. She suggested we walk out together.

She then asked that question and others around the whole issue. I became quite flustered. She explained the others in the office didn't really understand but none of them asked me. I tried to explain things and realised I didn't have a really coherent answer for her. I did say that the operation was finished and that I could show her if she liked! Anyway the conversation wandered onto to other issues as we walked down the street. The dream ended there.

When I woke up I pondered it all and wondered how you would handle it in real life and even considered asking that question here. But here's this thread coincidentally answering that very question.

Now I need to say I am not transitioning right now, not living as a woman nor indeed have I a job! So it's not an issue I will have to face, which of course makes the dream all the more puzzling. What I did enjoy about the dream was the sense that I had transitioned. I really enjoyed that. Dream come true.

So I can't really comment on how I could or should react if that every happened other than to say that Louise in the dream asked the question quite innocently. Which makes me think that a reaction depends entirely on the context and tone of the questioner. It also made me think that I should be ready with a stock answer for the inevitable moment when the question is asked.

All very theoretical for me of course. Sadly.

[Kathryn Martin]

..... in all innocence, ask "So are you pre- or post-op?"

So, this is a funny question when it comes from a clerk, related to name change etc.......

In Canada in most provinces in fact everywhere except Alberta and Ontario change in basic ID documentation requires proof of surgery. Meaning that this question is never innocent but is asked to comply with statutory requirements.

Interestingly enough I have never been asked that question except at the passport office. And I just told them and showed them the paperwork from my surgeon (as required).

But let us not be blindsided by this easily constructed anger around this question (i.e. Janet Mock with Piers Morgan).

[donnalee]

"Why do you ask?"
"Just curious."
"Do you normally ask people about their genitalia?"
"Oh yes, all the time!"
"I don't think you should work here and ask those kind of questions. It's very rude!"
"Oh, I don't work here; I just like to ask rude questions!"
(With posthumous apologies to Jack Benny and Frank Morris.)

[Laura_Stephens]

In the US, one can always say, "Only the NSA knows for sure."