PaulaQ
12-02-2014, 02:23 AM
On November the 30th, 1989, my family held an intervention for me, and I voluntarily committed myself to a treatment facility for my alcoholism. December 1, 1989, was the first full day where I didn't drink in literally years.
I'm surprised I have made it this far, to be honest. I did so many things wrong - not coming out and dealing with my gender identity being first and foremost amongst my failings. I deeply regret those personal failures of mine over the past 25 years - that one in particular hurt a LOT of people, but it especially hurt both my wife, and myself.
It really is a miracle that I've stayed sober for so long. I was honest about a great many personal failings - just not about the really colossal issue that made alcohol so attractive to me in the first place. Gender dysphoria made me miserable, and for a while, alcohol eased the pain.
Unfortunately, it stopped working, leaving me chronically alcoholic, and still desperately wanting to be a woman.
So on Dec 1, 1989, I vowed to pack all of that away. It was the big purge. No more booze, no more women's clothing. I had a young son, and I was going to MAN THE HELL UP! I had a kid to take care of - I had no time for this gender foolishness! My son needed a father - not some drunken absentee like my own Dad. I vowed to be that man.
I started going to AA, I did what they told me to do in rehab, and somehow, beyond all understanding, I lied my way through this. Oh, I talked about plenty of things about myself - but never this part of me. Never that I was a woman. I lied to my family, friends, myself, fellow alcoholics, and sponsors. I actually felt pretty awful in AA - why wouldn't I? I was lying my ass off in a program that preaches rigorous personal honesty.
So as I sit back today, and reflect on what I've learned in 25 years, I realize that I'm more honest now, at least about myself and my failings as a woman. I'm honest about who I really am - at least within my ability to understand myself, and I try to understand myself better, and to improve my relationship with my higher power.
I take no credit for this particular anniversary - I did absolutely everything I could do that was wrong. Were it not for the guidance from a power greater than myself, I wouldn't be here today, writing this. At least that is my belief. I completely failed to deal with the primary reason I started drinking in the first place. I just shoved that pain down further and further, until I could no longer stand it.
And yet here I am.
Just so you have a frame of reference, here's a photo of what I looked like back then. It's me with my son. After sobering up, I shaved my beard, and really made no other physical changes. I couldn't stand having a beard. That should've been a clue. So many other things should've been clues, too. If only I had just followed my program and been honest about who I really was. But I wasn't until last year, when I hit the wall again, and realized I could no longer live as a man.
Coincidentally, my son, who'd been living with me over the past year, moved out today. What odd timing.
I'm surprised I have made it this far, to be honest. I did so many things wrong - not coming out and dealing with my gender identity being first and foremost amongst my failings. I deeply regret those personal failures of mine over the past 25 years - that one in particular hurt a LOT of people, but it especially hurt both my wife, and myself.
It really is a miracle that I've stayed sober for so long. I was honest about a great many personal failings - just not about the really colossal issue that made alcohol so attractive to me in the first place. Gender dysphoria made me miserable, and for a while, alcohol eased the pain.
Unfortunately, it stopped working, leaving me chronically alcoholic, and still desperately wanting to be a woman.
So on Dec 1, 1989, I vowed to pack all of that away. It was the big purge. No more booze, no more women's clothing. I had a young son, and I was going to MAN THE HELL UP! I had a kid to take care of - I had no time for this gender foolishness! My son needed a father - not some drunken absentee like my own Dad. I vowed to be that man.
I started going to AA, I did what they told me to do in rehab, and somehow, beyond all understanding, I lied my way through this. Oh, I talked about plenty of things about myself - but never this part of me. Never that I was a woman. I lied to my family, friends, myself, fellow alcoholics, and sponsors. I actually felt pretty awful in AA - why wouldn't I? I was lying my ass off in a program that preaches rigorous personal honesty.
So as I sit back today, and reflect on what I've learned in 25 years, I realize that I'm more honest now, at least about myself and my failings as a woman. I'm honest about who I really am - at least within my ability to understand myself, and I try to understand myself better, and to improve my relationship with my higher power.
I take no credit for this particular anniversary - I did absolutely everything I could do that was wrong. Were it not for the guidance from a power greater than myself, I wouldn't be here today, writing this. At least that is my belief. I completely failed to deal with the primary reason I started drinking in the first place. I just shoved that pain down further and further, until I could no longer stand it.
And yet here I am.
Just so you have a frame of reference, here's a photo of what I looked like back then. It's me with my son. After sobering up, I shaved my beard, and really made no other physical changes. I couldn't stand having a beard. That should've been a clue. So many other things should've been clues, too. If only I had just followed my program and been honest about who I really was. But I wasn't until last year, when I hit the wall again, and realized I could no longer live as a man.
Coincidentally, my son, who'd been living with me over the past year, moved out today. What odd timing.