Finding love in a trans world

[Kristine120]

I have been a closeted cross dresser for years. My ex wife used to accommodate me on occasion, but we have been divorced. I've been single for a while and am finally wanting to reach out and have some kind of relationship. I recognize that I may be gay. Since I have been dressing I have had a few encounters with men that were quite pleasurable but ultimately temporary.

I would like to have some kind of ongoing friendship in this world. It seems that there is no "love" in the gay world as I wish to have. I imagine that "Mr. Right" is out there somewhere, but at the same time I may need to find a woman to receive the intimacy that I crave. And not physical intimacy but the kind that you have when you are close to someone.

Does anyone have any thoughts on these issues?

[Rogina B]

I think you need to decide how important your gender expression and sexual identity are to you.[they are different]. You may end up seeking open minded people that just accept you as a human being. If you choose to hide your gender and bisexuality,then you could be setting yourself up for disappointment later as your needs will go unanswered. Or,you can just put yourself out there and see who is interested in getting to know you after you reveal yourself. Not sure where you are located,as you don't say. Otherwise,I would offer some local suggestions.

[Tiffany Jane]

Your intimate needs may not always be fulfilled by the relationship that fills your emotional needs. This is where your question of being gay or not may lie. Having a relationship with a woman with intimate needs that may appear to be unfulfilled by a woman, can be achieved without the presence of a man. Unless it is the personal contact of a man you desire, that is what you need to know. It may be unsettling to admit one has an anal fetish when the desire to have a man satisfy it isn't there, but believing it is the only way to achieve personal satisfaction.

[Beverley Sims]

What you need is a best friend.
They can be found in both relationships, gay or straight.

[Alice Torn]

Your thread is hitting home here, some. I walk alone, too, at age 60, never had a mate, but had pen pals, and a lady friend (no sex) for a few years in the 1980's. Since starting full body dressing in 2005, i have met three admirers, but no penetration sex. I reaaly would like a single woman friend for companionship, too. But, as Sometimes Miss often brings out, it is extremely difficult to find a single woman that will be ok with this thing. In my age range, especially. So, I am becoming accepting, though it is not easy, when out in a couples' world, being the loner , for many years. It is better, to live alone, than with a wrong match, though. Nothing much worse, than a bad relationship, whether with a woman or man. It is not the worst thing, to be alone, but, i undrstand not having anyone to share life with. Senior centers, veterans groups, and 12 step groups, vounteering, all are options. I used to take my cats to the nursing home, and let some patients hold them.

[Annaliese]

I have found some friend here that I have become good friends with, one I have be come best friends with, we talk here all most every day, we confide in each other, she is a sister to me, best gril friend, someone I can let go all my emotion on, and I am here for her also. We have not meet in person, this person know me, and I know her. I love this person, I love our talks.

[kimdl93]

I would submit that there are many gay relationships that endure. I have friends who have been together for more than 30 years. But hook ups whit tranny chasers aren't likely to yield LTRs. Sex is easy. Intimacy and trust take time. If you find it easier to attain the latter with women, then that is a clue to where you need to go. From that starting point, the process remains the same as it's always been - get out and meet lots of people, be emotionally available and patient.

[Stephanie47]

As you go through life you may only find ONE true friend. We meet a lot of people for a fleeting bit of time. I would suggest you try to cultivate a good friend who has nothing to do with any fulfilling of your sexuality, whatever that may be. I suspect most of your encounters with men are not going to be fulfilling if it is just sexual. Those relationships fall into the same category as men and women hooking up for the night.

My kids are forever telling me I need a dog for companionship. Now, I am happily married to a non accepting wife. Somehow there is a strong bond of a different nature between a man and his dog. I'm serious. The dog may fill a void that exists in your life until you find a human companion.

[Alice Torn]

Stephenie has a good point. On dogs. I have had very dear cats, who definitely are my closest friends , and two right now. I look so forward to getting home to them, when i am out. I would have a dog, if i owned some property, had dear dogs as a kid. Kristine, a pet can be your closest friend, too, and they are always true to you. I really do not trust humans much, anymore. But, many people I know, mostly straight, have found a right person. I tend to be too trusting, and get burned from that. Trust need to be earned some. It is possible to have love, but it may come in ways we are not looking for.

[devida]

I do believe, based on my own life, that the universe is a friendly place and will tend to produce exactly what you need if you can be clear about it. I suggest that you carefully list the characteristics of a person you would want to spend the next few years or the rest of your life with. It doesn't matter what gender or sex the person is since the characteristics you should choose are those of compatibility and desire. This is a very clarifying exercise. Take your time with it and please, at the very top of the characteristics list that the person should be kind. Write down all the things you would like your mate to have and try to eliminate inherent contradictions. Also look at your own failed or troublesome relationships in your past and try to see if you were complicit in the failure. Try to avoid doing the same thing again. In other words, avoid the familiar if the familiar has brought you unhappiness.

Once you have made this list put it away and if you can, forget about it. I promise you that in some period of time potential partners that fit the characteristics you have outlined will start appearing. Be choosy!

By all means message me if you have any questions or would like further clarification. I used this technique to find my partner of 30 years, have taught it to others who have had the same success and ahve always found it weird that people use a random kind of roll of the dice for the most important decisions of their lives. I mean I like rolling the dice, but only after I have decided what I want.

[Vickie_CDTV]

You could always try a trans woman instead of a man or a GG. If you can find a TS who will accept your dressing (not always the case), you might be able to find someone who wants a long term relationship. I have known a fair number of lonely male-attracted TS over the years who could not find a quality, long term relationship with a man... you might be what someone like that is looking for (if they can accept the dressing and the idea of a non-gender conforming male.)

[laura.lapinski]

I think you will find what you need if you are patient. Experiment with many types of "tools" to find someone, like dating sites, meet-up groups, clubs, church, and so forth. I think you will find all that you want in one package at some point. I think there would be lots of men who would accept the feminine side of you and even prefer it.

[sometimes_miss]

Well, you're wrong that there is no love in the gay world. But random hookups are far more common, just the way that they are in the heterosexual world. After all, we men are a very horny bunch, and most prefer to have sex with as many hot women as possible, not settle down with any single one. That said, if you're perfectly OK with homosexual sex, if you're attractive at all either as male or female, there are men out there that will joyfully be a regular sex partner. You will have to figure out if there's anything more going on there beyond the sex. Remember, GG's go through the very same thing, so you're getting the authentic GG experience here, trying to find someone that will love you, not just have sex with you. Not so great, is it? And finding a woman who likes gender bending guys? Not likely. Sure, there are a few, but there are oh, maybe 3 million of us, and probably only a hundred or so of them, and finding them is like looking for a needle in a haystack while wearing fireplace gloves and sunglasses on. Women don't like to be embarrased any more than we do, and are not likely to tell ANYONE that they like crossdressed men.

[PaulaQ]

I begin to wonder if some of us know anything about either the gay or the straight worlds, much less the trans world...

There are bisexual men and women who are fine with a trans partner. Finding someone who's bisexual can be difficult, because they are even more invisible in the LGBT world than we are. There are, I promise you, a lot more than one hundred women who'll love someone who's trans. My pretty, but rather non-passable MtF roommate gets picked up by lesbians at a local bar all the time. She's pre-op - sometimes stuff happens. For real. She's pushing 60. Seriously - many of the things we all fear will mean "I'll never find love" apply to her - in spades. She ignores that stuff, and puts herself out there. She gets hit on by men - really handsome men - pretty regularly. (She's unsure what to do about this - she's rather conflicted on the subject of men.)

I'm doing OK at finding partners. All of mine so far have been within the trans community. This is, quite honestly, the best option for many of us.

There are plenty of straight identified women who really don't care if there partner cross dresses. Yeah, finding them is hard, because many of them have never even considered such a thing. But they are out there.

There's love out there - but you have to be open to it, and to put yourself out there.

Is it challenging? Sure. Trans* in rural areas, or highly conservative cities, can find it tough to find people to date. This is a real problem. A bigger problem, for a lot of us, I think, is that we get in our own way. We decide "Nobody can love me," or "I don't want to date people that are attracted to trans*!" Sure, some such people are creepy. But not all of them are. Newsflash - straight cis people who are NOT attracted to trans* can be really freaking creepy too... But think about it - by just automatically judging anyone who is attracted to you as a creep - aren't you lowering your own odds quite a bit? Likewise, deciding something like "I won't date trans!" really limits you a lot. (It's really pointless too - trans* are beautiful. Yeah, our standard of beauty can be somewhat different from that of the heteronormative world, but how big of a problem is that really? The heteronormative world is really screwed up about this stuff.)

My opinion is that it's easier to find authentic relationships if you, yourself, are open and authentic about your life. If you are comfortable with yourself, if you like people, and spend time out in the world meeting people. None of this is a guarantee, and some people's life situations make this type of openness really difficult to achieve. And I sympathize with those folks - I do. I know a lot of lonely trans*. But if your life is getting in the way of finding love, don't you think the problem is more about what you are doing in your life, than about difficulty in finding love?

[Joan.Meredith]

I know that I have struggled with a similar question, and I'm married to a woman. But as the last couple years have gone the sex is less and less. I find men more attractive to me, my wife is slowly coming to terms with this I think. We haven't talked about it in a while. But if anything you're in a good place to try and figure out which way you want to go. I do agree most men just want to do the deed and get out of there, women tend to want hang around. I think that is why most of us even as CDer's like to hang out it's for the friendship but also so much more. But I know that personally I long to he held.

I'm not sure if this has been any help what so ever

Joan

[Michelle789]

It seems that there is no "love" in the gay world as I wish to have.

Drop that belief. This is very much law of attraction at play. If you believe that you won't find love, then you won't. If you believe you will find love, you will.






A bigger problem, for a lot of us, I think, is that we get in our own way. We decide "Nobody can love me," or "I don't want to date people that are attracted to trans*!" Sure, some such people are creepy. But not all of them are. Newsflash - straight cis people who are NOT attracted to trans* can be really freaking creepy too... But think about it - by just automatically judging anyone who is attracted to you as a creep - aren't you lowering your own odds quite a bit? Likewise, deciding something like "I won't date trans!" really limits you a lot.

Excellent points.

[laura.lapinski]

But if your life is getting in the way of finding love, don't you think the problem is more about what you are doing in your life, than about difficulty in finding love? PaulaQ, I am with you on what you said in this post. I think you have to be open, careful, but open when considering who to spend your time with. I think everyone needs to relax, and put themselves out there more. Ask for what you want, write it down, and you will eventually manifest it into your life.