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View Full Version : Reflections on who i am realizing I am.



Heather_Shirly
12-02-2014, 01:35 PM
Hi All!

So since i have come out to my S/O i have been really coming to terms with myself and why I crossdress and who I am inside, it was almost like coming out to myself finally as well. My S/O has been very accepting and after a talk or tow(or three actually) we worked everything out as far as her questions and her thoughts and limitations and we really do seem to be communicating much better in the past 2 months. I thought that having those conversation would be the hardest step in wanting to be open about myself with her. Well it was a pretty big step but much easier then i thought it would be. She even painted my toenails for me for fun and they are so pretty!

You know what the hardest step really is.... it is coming to terms with one's self. I mean i have been dressing ALL my life off and one and ALL my life i was ashamed of it and kept it locked out accept when i just couldn't take it anymore and would enter the pink fog and dress and play and have fun as Heather. When i say all my life i can remember dressing in girl cloths younger then the age of 10 but obviously very limited until i got a few years older and was able to be left alone and explore by myself. So in the past few months since coming out to my s/o and saying enough is enough I am starting to realize more and more about the side of me that is a girl. I realize i like that side much better and wish she could come out and play more or let me be who i want to be inside. This is a hard step to take. It is really accepting something that i was ashamed, confused, excited and hidden my WHOLE life. So i took that step this past weekend. I accepted myself. I did this by being en femme all weekend. I did this without my s/o here as she and the baby went up to her sister's baby shower. I knew that if i was going to really take the plunge and let myself out and be who i know inside i am that this past weekend was the chance i had to do it. I prepared before hand.

I prepared by ordering my first gaff and my first set of breast forms. I already have a small collection of hippie skirts, tops, panties, lingerie and a bra(badly fitted though so i have to remedy that). So my s/o leaves on Friday afternoon and before the car had left the driveway i was stripping off my drab and running upstairs to take a bath to use hair remover on my entire lower body and then take a shower to finish the job with my razor and make myself pretty as i could be. Yes i shave my legs already now that my s/o knows but this time i really took the time to remove all the hair from everywhere. My legs looked gorgeous and smooth and i started to feel this letting feeling of peace start to come over me from deep inside me. As i stood there in my satin dressing rob putting on makeup the smile on my face was just getting bigger and bigger.

After the shower i went to the bedroom and did a tuck and put on my new gaff and one of my really sexy panties from VS. Once the panties were on i just stopped and was amazed at the feeling i had when i saw how smooth i was and how well the panties fit with a good tick that was staying in place for one(i know gaffs are sort of cheating but they make a really great shortcut). Smiling i thn put my bra on and slipped the breast form in. After configuring them i then looked at myself in the mirror and just felt something i never felt before. It was a mix of happy, excitement, wonderment and me telling myself how badly i need to start that diet and exercise i keep telling myself i need to start.

It was amazing. i felt "girly" really girly... I slipped on a pair of thigh high stay ups and started to practice my walking. after i felt i had it somewhat down i slipped on this red hippie skirt form India and a cotton tank top. I was so happy i mean like skipping around happy. This was the most feminine i have ever been in my life. I just let it all go and let the pink fog envelope me. The breast forms really did it. they really let me see myself as the women i am inside. After i was all dressed i went downstairs and without even thinking i went to start painting my nails up with a nice dark red color. I had so much fun sitting on the couch drinking some chardonnay and painting my nails. Once my nails were done the feeling hit me again. Like a freight train it hit me.

Then it happened... sitting there feeling so pretty so feminine the tears came out. I wasn't sad just content to the point that i actually had a tear come out of my eye and i thought to myself that i am happy this is such a release. Then i said "Oh shit" and ran up the the mirror to make sure my eye liner didn't start running. It was and i saved it and then moved on to live the weekend as Heather.

The rest of hte weekend was sort of mundane for the most part. I started cleaning up form thanksgiving and getting the house in order to be shown on saterday but i did this dressed and i felt so natural. I kind of went crazy trying on almost everything thing i have. Not to brag but i looked dam sexy and cute in my baby dolls and nightgowns when i went to sleep. Sleeping was even fun as i woke up with the feeling of my breast forms there.

As a gag i took a gender identity test. Guess what my result was.... yeah mostly feminine in nature. Ha! I have taken those tests before and the score usually came out to say i was mostly fem inside but this one was different as instead of frowning at the end of the test I just smile to myself and admired my cute fingernails! I did get a smile from the girl who delivered my sushi I had for diner on saterday! That was thrilling and fun!

But the thing is at the end of the weekend after i got all back in my drab and no make up for a minute i felt sad that i had to be back as the male side of me but i was more happy and at peace that I let myself come out to myself. I hope that makes sense. It is like i know who i am now and i know what i want to do moving forward.

Now i have embraced myself and my nature and who i am i want to try to reach out more to people here or maybe find that "older-sister" in the area that can help me dress. Most importantly i want to get in touch with the groups for trangendered types and corssdressers. I read posts from gurls that meet up for weekend events and such and i would love to start doing that but i know i need a lot of work and training before i can look goo enough to be accepted at those events. I consider this the next big step in this process of finding myself and letting myself come out more.

I think that there are adjustments and work i have to do to adjust my "normal" life around my fem life but that is why i hope that i can meet and make friends with other CDers or trans people. This past weekend will go down as a big event to me even though it is very mundane compared to most and i will remember it just as vividly as i remember the first satin baby doll i put on when i was 12.

Looks like i am finally letting myself grow and let myself be happy for a change! I hope all this makes sense and others out there can relate i just had to get this out and share with people that would understand!

236922

Tracii G
12-02-2014, 01:40 PM
Self discovery is a wonderful thing!!

kimdl93
12-02-2014, 06:10 PM
Let's dismiss the so called gender tests...they're designed to give you the answer you seek. Instead focus on your new experience and put it into context. Step back from the euphoric feelings for a moment and weigh out what part this may play in your life, your relationship with your wife, etc. Then think about how you might be able to integrate your desires and needs into the life you have.

Most of all, try to view this from your wife's perspective. She has been supportive thus far, but you have barely scratched the surface. Consider how she may feel seeing you fully en femme. How she might feel if you seek guidance from "an older sister or TG group, consider how involved she may want to be...or not be. All of the answers she may give today are , of course, subject to change over time. But be assured that if you are acutely sensitive to her needs and desires, and take it slow, she is far more likely to remain supportive.

Annaliese
12-02-2014, 06:25 PM
Opening up and accepting one self is always hard, for me it took a lot longer to admit who I am the last two year have been much happier, there is always problem and life has its up and downs. I can deal whit it better. Thank you for posting, it nice to see others find there self's.