Beauty and the Beast.

[Emma Beth]

I've read plenty of experiences of some of you ladies on here about seeing yourself in the mirror.

I'm not just talking about seeing your face, but the beautiful inner you looking back.

I've also read about seeing the monster looking back at you as well.

Now, I will admit that reading about it and experiencing "little chips" of this could not prepare me for what happened to me the other day.

I've been letting my hair grow and it has gotten quite long; not as long as I want it to be, but I'm getting there. And my hair is naturally curly.

When I was living in Texas, it wasn't curling like is does here in Mississippi. Probably because of the humidity.

Anyway, at the length that it is now I've had to start brushing it to one side over one shoulder and then the other.

While I was doing this getting ready for work the other day, I was looking at myself in the mirror and noticed my tresses resting on my bare shoulder. I loved the way my hair felt on my shoulder and then I saw it looking back at me in the mirror.

I saw both the Beauty and the Beast at the same time. Everything I had read on the forums and those "little chips" of seeing this, I mentioned earlier, couldn't have prepared me for the punch to the gut I received in that moment.

The absolute joy at seeing the beauty within showing without and yearning for it to last; and at the same time the absolute loathing at seeing the beast as well, spoiling the vision of the beauty.

I'm hoping that posting this here will help me out enough. I had no idea how much this had affected me; especially since as I post my thoughts, the tears have started to flow again and my screen is blurring a little.

One thing is clear; I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone, ever.

Thank you,

Liz

[Veronica_Jean]

Liz,

I know how difficult this is to work through and often words don't seem to be enough. I found the realization that others don't see that in me even though I do, sometimes even still. The surprising thing I found was nearly every other woman, not just trans people, also goes through this. I was shocked as I look at them and see perfection, but they only see their own beast.

I was given as a gift when I went full time a book from a woman that had overcome weight issues, and this was given to her as a gift. she wanted to pass it along and I will never be able to thank her enough. It is title is "I Am Beautiful : A Celebration of Women in their own words". It is a compilation of pictures and short paragraphs where each woman shares how she found the beauty within herself.

To quote a relevant part of the introduction "We went to real everyday women like ourselves and asked 'Tell us why you are beautiful' .... We found ourselves with a body of work far beyond what we had imagined. And in the process received an incredible gift: the realization that we can indeed change our culture. And we begin by changing ourselves, by changing our personal perspective about what makes us beautiful. A greatly expanded and more inclusive definition of beauty begins with individual self-acceptance". (Woody Windree and Dana Carpenter) .

The beast is there for all of us Liz. Finding a way to see the beauty that is there, embracing that and knowing others see it too, helps make the beast seem so much less ugly.

Hugs

Veronica



http://www.amazon.com/Am-Beautiful-Celebration-Women-Their/dp/1887166114/ref=sr_1_6?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1417609672&sr=1-6&keywords=I+Am+Beautiful#reader_1887166114

[Dawn cd]

It's important to remember, though, that both of these are mental projections: Just as one never fully becomes Beauty, one never was totally the Beast. It is the desire to be Beauty that makes us yearn for it—and to see ugliness in everything that falls short. While desire is not a bad thing, if pursued relentlessly it can become destructive. We are never going to become Beauty, and to make it a goal leads to constant dissatisfaction. So celebrate your hair and the way it falls on your shoulder without worrying about what will be or what was.

[Jorja]

There is a Hans Christian Andersen Fairy Tale call the "Ugly Duckling". If you don't know it I urge you to pick up a copy and read it. Yes, we are born not quite what we wish but with time and a pocket full of money even we can become a thing of beauty. Don't be so hard on yourself. Dreams do not just magically happen. You have to make them happen.

[Annaliese]

Girl, it happens to all of us, you will get past the pain, it's just part of the process, of accepting one self. The Beast is gone for me, all I see now is The Beauty. This is not a chose, no one chose this much pain, I will tell you it get better, as you learn to love your self and this part of you.

Hugs

[Emma Beth]

Thank you everyone.

The moment took me quite by surprise and hit me a lot harder than before. I guess because it was a one two punch seeing both sides at the same time.

Jorja, I'm quite familiar with H.C.A.'s "Ugly Duckling". My Grandmother on my Mothers side used to tell that story to me all the time when I was a lot younger. As a matter of fact, most days the thought of that story is what keeps me going. I know that deep down inside is the Swan I'm destined to become. In the mean time, I have to just try to take each day as it comes and deal with everything as best I can. As a matter of fact I plan on including her name in my own when I change my name.

Dawn, I know exactly what you're talking about and I am so proud of my hair. When I was younger I hated it so much. I hated how bad it curled and now I want to have fun with my curl. To tell you how it curls. I can twirl a finger on my right hand around my pony tail and I have a ringlet. If I twirl a finger from my left hand, I can almost get my pony tail to look just like the iconic Barbie pony tail, and it doesn't matter if my hair is dry or wet when I do it.

Veronica and Annaliese, I can honestly say that I have accepted this within me. I think my main problem is in my current ability to externally express myself and be true to myself and the world.

Again, thank you everyone.

Love and Hugs,

Liz

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Liz, I felt a kick in the guts the other day too- I used to have almost no body hair, but since about 45 it seems to be increasing. I've been shaving the front of my torso for a while now, not feeling particularly bad about the chest hair etc, just preferring it gone. I'm new to my present level of CD-obsession and had set up mirrors to be able to see the back of my head- but what I saw, and what made me almost sick, was hair on my back that I didn't even know was there. I felt miserable, hated it, it really upset me. It's too hard to reach to shave regularly, so I'm leaving it for now.

Nothing much on the scale of pain you describe, but still... beast was one of the words I used to describe to my wife how I felt.

I really like the pose of your avatar by the way, I'm going to try to replicate it for a photo.

xNikki