How do you react when you are clocked?

[Nicolesmyth]

Ok ladies for those that venture out, I need your help. I have ventured out on a few occasions and have mustered the nerve to go in a few stores. However, since I'm 5'11 and just can't cover the facial stubble as good as I would like(thick black hair). I get clocked quite a bit especially those that look at me in the face. Often times people will give the "a dude in a dress" grin or say something to their friend. When this happens it sends a chill up my spine and me fleeing to the safety of my car! So how do I get past this fear and the fear of talking with people when I'm dressed?

[Launa]

Depends on the look I get. If its anything but friendly then I stare back and look them in the eye. If anything else goes sideways then I take it on an individual basis, everything from trying to educate someone or letting my middle finger stick up for me. It all depends on the situation.

[Alice Torn]

Many of use could use more teflon. I sure can.

[Kate Simmons]

Work on your self confidence and fear will eventually fade. If you walk with a sense of purpose, most people won't bother looking. :)

[ChristineM]

Give 'em a wink and a smile. I've always gotten one back or they just look away. Hopefully if I ever do run into a total jerk I'll be able to realize it before doing anything.

[AllieSF]

I normally don't react unless someone continues to stare. Then I will make an effort to catch them and then smile and wave at them. If an opportunity arises, I might even go over and talk with them. No rejections so far. Now that is me, and as Kate said self confidence is a very important part of not reacting. The more you go out, the more you will get use to it to the point of ignoring it completely. It does work. Walk into any place, store, restaurant or bar, or any other venue just like you belong there, like going into the same places in male mode, and the looker's and starers will see that confidence and after getting their fill of staring will then go back to what they were doing before you entered. It takes time. Good luck.

[Pat]

Smile a big, friendly, "yes, I know" smile and keep moving. Instead of letting fear grip you try to imagine that you're both in it together. If nothing else you've just given the person a story to tell. If I'm in a generally friendly place and the person seems OK, I might wink. There are some people who would take a wink as a hostile act, so let your judgement guide you.

I suppose I should also mention that there's no place I can go where I *wouldn't* be clocked. That probably helps since I go into it knowing I'm going to face this situation -- the only way they won't know I'm a dude in a dress is if I wear slacks. ;)

[Beverley Sims]

Smile all the while and say Hi! if necessary.

[Nadine Spirit]

I assume that everyone knows I am a guy and assume as well that nobody cares. Thus I treat interacting with others the same as I do when I am presenting as a guy. Mostly I ignore others, but when I make eye contact, I smile. Let them think what they want. I don't care, most likely I will never see them ever again. I may as well smile.

[Rachelakld]

Hi Nicole,
I'm 5"10" and have a blue beard 20 seconds after shaving, so know how you feel.
Mostly when clocked I look them in the eyes and smile, some time I say hi to them, especially pretty females

I've had a "Goodday Mate" thrown at me, so I deeped my voice as much as possible and "Goodday" him back.
even had some youngens "Yo dude" me at the mall, so I upped it to a fem "Hi ya"

For me, the trick is not to take ourselves overly seriously, just get pretty, go out and have fun and be polite

[heatherdress]

I ignore other people and focus on what is important to me. If you don't pay attention to other people you will not know or care what they see or think. Works for me.

[Jenniferathome]

Nicole, read and reread Allie's comment. I have seen it in action. Being friendly and outgoing instantly improves the reaction. People fear what they don't know. Engaging the normals really, really works.

[Lynn Marie]

How do I react when clocked? I don't! I use good makeup, good hair, dress well, and take charge. Where I go, I own the place. I also avoid places frequented by fools just waiting to "clock" me. I'm way too classy for malls! LOL

[silkycdresser]

I have only been out dressed twice and got clocked by maybe a couple people each time. Well, the first time was by a group of three young GGs who asked me for directions, but I'm sure they wanted to interact with me for the humor factor. I don't mind light ridicule but I do get paranoid people may be taking photos, which has been discussed in another thread recently.

[Tracii G]

Hold your head up smile and keep walking.
Remember you are a guy and if they get nasty take care of them as you would in guy mode.
No self respecting guy wants to get beat up by a crossdresser they most likely leave you alone.
Be fearless.

[AngelaYVR]

Guess what, the vast majority of people who see us will twig. The vast majority also will not react. Out of those who have said or done something, it's all been harmless and/or flattering.

[Krististeph]

I mostly shop en drab, but i make no bones about buying for myself.

Assuming this meets your criteria to some degree of significance for shopping en femme, here's my two cents:

One thing i've learned to do, and it is hard, hard to remember, and even then, hard to do- I simply do not make eye contact.

Eye contact for me is a huge thing- clients, students, you could say "it's what sells." But i don't do it to sell. i use eye contact to drive home the lesson or the necessity for a client to do something to get what they want.

So anyway, it's a huge thing for me, to avoid eye contact. Honestly, i had some "help" doing so in my earlier years, but i've learned to do so on my own. Not as fun, or as nice, but i'm working into it.

The eye contact thing- this is just for the other customers while i am out shopping. When i bring up my selections, i expect the sales associate to be professional and a decent human, fairly experienced. I am NOT the first guy buying a dress she or he has seen (if i am, hey, bonus- OJT) and I expect them to deal with it professionally or even politely. Some do not talk much, but ask questions as needed. Some engage, and i respond in kind.

One lady, even ended up sending her kid over to our dept at the college to check things out- he's doing the 2 year degree program. I'm sure she did not tell him how we met (Macy's, i was buying a dress suit, skirt suit, and several separates, all on an after season close out), or if she did, he certainly does not care.

of the few comments i've gotten, they have been nice/flattering.

I ended up talking to an SA (Macy's again) about the color of the blue satin long dress i bought. I really do love deep rich blues, this one was perfect. I told her about how we could dial up the purest colors on the optical cameras we used for animation work- green and purple are just as good- but much harder to zero in on. it was obvious the dress was for me- no problem at all. I doubt the lady actively supports crossdressing in any way, but sees it as just another aspect of her job. Which it is.

I don't shop en femme mostly because I do not feel I can pass, and if i am going out dressed, i'd rather do other things than shop. but it's mostly for how I feel these days, not how others react.

But be ready with a smile, and a kind word.

And if you get a bit of flack- understand that most people in public will be embarrassed for you- they are on your side- they have no more desire to see you called out for anything than you would see them called out for anything- i.e.; t.p. in your waistband etc.

I've found people have mellowed and become more like people, in many places. Mostly.

[heather ann martin]

I think people just assume I'm a woman with a deep voice. I'm not really bothered, I'm way beyond caring about others opinions of me. I know I'm a woman.

[bridget thronton]

I just smile and continue doing what I am doing.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Two of out of many friends of mine are taller than you and i get on well with them, oh yes they are Mom and Daughter so your a bit shorter, im 5 ,9 quite a few of my other friends are about the same as i and a few are shorter, and do any of us care, no we love each other for who we are not how tall or short we are or how we i hope you get this bit ...LOOK...get it,

Okay . as a person and i dont care wether male or female here do you have confidence in your self forget the clothes what,s your self esteem like when around others male or female, and are you sure of your self .

Okay , clothes i dress in 4 different sets of clothes 4 groups im a member of and each is different very out there in your face you are looked at seen by every one on camera and TV, no hiding and people will talk about us. will note what we are wearing and enjoy how we dress and make comments. its all just part of what we do and in two groups we reinact the times we are dressed in,

Now how do i do it , am i passible or would i blend in no way ever, yet i still do what we do, and i meet and talk to may 100.s of people,

I learnt to accept myself as i was >> looks or lack of << who really care,s to busy doing what we do , you get out there and enjoy the time and others will as well , now thats just our groups , my normal day im mostly in skirts and tops yea so, its just the same i just do my normal detail and get on with life,

Oh this dude in a dress well skirt, i would say yes some will see me as that , till they get talking and really get to know me then it changes , really i dont mind and for me it really comes down to those who know me know what i am , and who i am ,

so again who cares is it really that importaint just gain that confidence to be who you are and thats all that matters,

...noeleena...

[Teresa]

Nicole,
Allie has the right answer but you are out as a CDer ! If you were in transition, I'm not saying your feelings would be any different apart from you'd be thinking everyone has to get use to this because it's the road I'm going down !

On the other side of the coin many years ago I did see a middle aged woman with a full beard if my assumptions were correct and I did feel so sorry for her !!

[Marcelle]

Hi Nicole,

It really depends on the look. We have to admit (to ourselves) that we are an oddity in the Vanilla world and people are going to stare. A lot of times the looks are a knee jerk reaction to seeing something you have heard about but never seen before. Heck I remember the first time I saw one of the tribe (yes it was obvious) I am sure I had a WTF stare on my face :eek:. However, my intent was not to be rude it was just an involuntary reaction. So when people give me the "WTF look" I just smile back and continue on my way. You also have to add in that when we are out, we tend to be a bit hypervigilant constantly looking to get clocked. I find a lot of times, smiles, giggles and guffaws are not even directed at me but when I first started going out I was sure they were laughing at me. It wasn't until I started looking around and holding my ground (not running for cover) that I realized most people are truly not looking, don't care and in a lot of cases the stares/giggles/guffaws were not directed at me. This went a long way to increasing my comfort zone and confidence when out.

Now I am not saying you don't need a tough skin because we do. Very few of us pass (as much as we might like to think we do). Blend perhaps but pass ... the probability is about the same as an elephant being able to hang suspended over a cliff with its tail tied to a daisy . . .probable yes . . . likely . . . not so much. So for me I take the same approach as Nadine. I assume I will be read so I just accept, interact with others as I would when I am dressed "en boy" . . . head up, smile, talk. My intent is to educate and let others know we are normal and not weird loners who stalk around malls and other venues.

The one constant I have found . . . the more you do it the more confident you will become because your comfort level will increase and eventually you will just be you . . . only dressed prettier. :battingeyelashes:

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

If and when I am clocked, I just give a smile and go on about my business. It doesn't hurt a bit because I don't set passing as a measure of a successful day out.

[BillieAnneJean]

Face them straight in the eye, OWN IT, and with dignity and grace, SMILE! Power comes from inside a woman. She can project that with her confidence.

I do NOT care if I am clocked because this is SO much fun!

An right now I am getting ready for a whole day OUT enfemme.

[drushin703]

since crossdressing is the greatest test of self-confidence ever invented by mankind, there exists no easy answers. All I can say is, just keep working. Working on appearance, on walking in heels, on mannerisms, on shaving techniques,
on social interactions, on outward apparel, on wig choice, on makeup, on being polite..........(that's enough to have to work on, and that should take you the rest of your life..........lol, dana

[silkycdresser]

drushin703, what you said is very powerful and said a lot to me.

As a fairly shy kind of guy, I'm kind of proud to know that I've mustered enough confidence to go out fully en femme a few times, including with a wig and basic (and poorly applied, probably) makeup on. If certain egotistical friends knew I'd done this, I'm sure they wouldn't have the confidence to do it themselves!

[JamieQ]

I look them in the eye, smile, maybe say Hi, and go about my business...

[Nicolesmyth]

You ladies are awesome! I needed a little boost of confidence (actually a bunch) and next time I have the chance to venture out I will report back and let you know how it goes. All suggestions are greatly appreciated so keep them coming. I feel isolated and sometimes feel that I am the only one that's getting clocked. It's nice to know that there are many here that have handled this with dignity and grace and ventured out in confidence. I'm sure it will get better the more I am out. It's the fight or flight syndrome and I have chosen the flight way to often. Hopefully, things are about to change.
Thank you,
Nicole