Negotiations....

[Megan G]

So,

I am recently out to my family and a few friends and up to this point the response has been good. My mom has been fairly quiet about it since our talk where I was asked repeatedly why I could not just forget about all this and live a normal life as a married male..

Anyways my brothers initial reaction was good claiming that "he would still love me the same" but today I have a feeling that something must have changed.

I just got a text from him asking if we could talk about this before I took it any further than I already have. He claims he does not want to talk me out of anything but wants to discuss it before I do something that I may regret.

So for those of you that are out and have gone down this path is this a normal reaction? Something to be expected?

Megan

[Nikkilovesdresses]

He cares about you- it doesn't mean anything more than that. How would you react if after a lifetime of fundraising for Greenpeace he told you he had decided to join the army?

[Annaliese]

I would say it a normal reaction, to them what you are doing is not normal, They have on clue of the pain you have been in, how exhausting it is to live a lie all your life, to pretend, to not be who you are. That is what you need to say to your brother.

[Aprilrain]

Sounds pretty typical. Expect "good" initial reactions followed by their true feelings somewhere down the line

[arbon]

People around me went back and forth on their support for me. My brother was initially supportive, but after he thought about it more he really had issues with me. It took a long time to work it out, not sure it entirely is yet.

[Jorja]

It sounds pretty normal to me. It is common for family and friend support in the beginning and then second thoughts to creep out later. They believe they are looking out for your best interest. I suggest you sit down and ask yourself what it is you really and truly want for yourself. If you can say without question or regret transition is for you, then stand by your decision. Do not allow family or friends talk you out of something you truly believe is right for you. You are doing this for you not them.

[Aimee20]

Being on the receiving end of "the talk" is remarkably similar to going through the stages if grief. First there is the shock of the news given followed by denial/isolation. After they come to understand that this is serious and needs to be thought about comes anger. In my experience it was anger at the therapist or doctors I've been seeing. That step is followed up with bargaining. The thought that maybe you can be convinced to go another direction. Then comes depression and lastly acceptance. Not everyone can make it through all 5 states and everyone moves at a different pace. At least that is how it was explained to me by my therapist, who I'm lucky to be able to get a lot of first hand knowledge because her step-father is transsexual and came out later in life.

[Megan G]

I suggest you sit down and ask yourself what it is you really and truly want for yourself. If you can say without question or regret transition is for you, then stand by your decision. Do not allow family or friends talk you out of something you truly believe is right for you. You are doing this for you not them.

Without a doubt this is not only what I want but what I need. It just surprised me as the Initial reaction was good and today's text was by no means bad but I could sense the change in support level.

I will take some time this weekend and go over and have the talk, reassure him that I am doing what is needed so that I am no longer hiding in that closet.

Megan

[Veronica_Jean]

Megan,

I think is a very common reaction. I totally agree with Jorja, what you do has to be for you.

One of the things I found was I had been dealing with all this for so long it seemed commonplace, but for everyone else it is a shock and takes some time to digest and then they have a lot more to say, or express. When you have your talk, be honest, sincere, and patient. He is likely trying to be a good brother and look out for you. He needs to realize this is part of what you have been dealing with for a long time, and it isn't a whim, or just something you can work past (staying the gender they expect). It may take more than one talk and he may need time to sort things out for himself too.

Good luck!

Veronica

[PaulaQ]

Without a doubt this is not only what I want but what I need. It just surprised me as the Initial reaction was good and today's text was by no means bad but I could sense the change in support level.


That's very common. The first reaction you get from someone, good or bad, is almost never the final word on the matter. It takes people a while to process something like transition - especially because they really literally have no idea what you are talking about, and no personal frame of reference for it.

You may find some people accuse you of "selfishness" - because the massive life changes you'll undergo to be your authentic self are somehow inconvenient for them.

Do not be surprised if you encounter people, especially family members or close friends, who tell you "I fully support you (please, please, please don't really change.)" In other words, they don't accept this at all, but just want to feel good about themselves. This can really undermine a person who is transitioning. I've got some friends who've done this. It sucks, but I've made more friends. Maybe they'll come around, maybe not.

Where this all ends up with any particular person is really almost impossible to say. Anyone who was close to you is liable to feel a certain amount of grief and loss over losing the guy they always knew. Grief is just not a straight forward process - there are ups and downs, good days and bad days, and it can take a while until someone passes from denial to acceptance. (And in this context, unfortunately, acceptance doesn't mean they like your transition, or even want to continue a relationship with you. It just means the matter is more or less resolved in their mind.)

I hope your brother will come around. That he's talking to you is good.

[AllieSF]

I like what you brother is doing and to me he used all the right words. He may have done some reading and research and could be worried that you may be moving too fast, or that some of the things the TS's do during transition are permanent physical changes and he just wants you to be sure to think each step through. If you handle it right and he is as nice and concerned as the words in your post here, you may have a true ally and a family sounding board as you go down, or is it up, that transition path/road. If all goes well during that talk, make sure to give him a big hug and thank you when you are done.

[Marleena]

Megan there can be no negotiations about your transition now.:)

[docrobbysherry]

Think of it this way. A close family member tells u they r an alien. It first u think, "Wow! That's kinda cool. Wait, you're not kidding? I would never have guessed. How could that be?"

It's only much later that the really important questions begin popping up in your/their mind!

[Nicole Erin]

He is probably wondering how your personality is gonna change.
As we know, we are still the same person even after going full time etc, but to others, like say your brother -
He is assuming you are gonna become a fan of "The View", support feminism, give up on male stuff, start liking horrid music like Miley Cyrus, etc.

I think his main concern is if you give up on man stuff, can he have your tools, your vintage playboy mags, and other things of interest to men. That is all.

[becky77]

I would say it could be genuine concern.

My brother was fully supportive (and the only one not surprised), he went away and did a load of research even phoning up local transgender support groups and offering to come with me. But in that research he discovered some things that troubled him, namely the high suicide rate. He was also worried about bullying, being beat up, struggling for work all realistic worries.

It's possible your brother wants to discuss the serious side of it and make sure you are 100% sure what you are doing, remember it's all new to him and he might be aware just how tough it could be for you.
Fulltime TS on this site say all the time 'Don't transition unless you have to' why do we get defensive of someone else that says this? they are wise words said out of concern. I would expect that from someone who loves you.
He maybe needs reasurance that you know what you are doing and have fully thought it through.
Or he maybe one of those that thinks there are way's to man you up still! You need to speak to him, guessing gets you nowwhere.

[Dianne S]

I was very lucky; when I came out to people their initial reactions proved to be pretty much their long-term reactions. My mother, sisters and children were all accepting and supportive and still are. My mother does worry for my safety. My one sister worries about the long-term effects of anti-androgens and hormones.

My (ex-)wife naturally was angry and upset and still is. Her parents think I'm crazy and a freak and still do. But I guess I'll take consistency over flip-flopping if I have to choose.