Alright enough.

[mariehart]

Seven years later, no sex yeah I get it, having a baby is tough. I confront her about that. She feels bad. I understand. I play the game. I don't judge. I let it go. But of course I'm TS, she doesn't know this. But a normal straight husband would never put up with this. It's divorce territory. But she doesn't seem to understand.

So tonight I put it to her. Does she understand? Apparently she does because I came out to her a while ago. As long as it's not in front of the children which is my attitude too.

I went upstairs and changed into some female clothes.

I no longer feel the need to pretend.

I love her but I don't want to play the game anymore.

[Sarah Louise]

Marie, I'm glad that she says she understands you wanting to dress and you feel that you can dress when you like. However, have you considered getting some couple counselling? Apologies if I misinterpreted your post, but you both sound as if you could do with some help in your relationship.

[Lorileah]

I guess that will teach her a lesson huh?

[Helen_Highwater]

" But of course I'm TS, she doesn't know this", "Apparently she does because I came out to her a while ago"
So which is it? She does or doesn't know?

Perhaps she was smart enough to realize you were TS and reacted accordingly. We all give signals, body language. It could be she interpreted yours and hence the resulting, non, sex life. Beyond that you must be ready to recognize that post natal depression can last for a considerable time and her lack of intimacy is a manifestation of those symptoms. Nothing in these situations is clear cut.

[Rhian]

Seven years though Helen?

[AngelaYVR]

Never mind seven years. One year is a green light to find it elsewhere.

[Tamara Croft]

Seven years, seventy years, doesn't matter how many years, it's her damn body and if she doesn't want sex with you, no law states she has to.

Marie, you are acting like a child, having a tantrum because you're not getting your own way, then going upstairs to put on women's clothing?? really?? And a straight husband would have divorced her for no sex? are you for real? I'm betting there is more to this story than what you are telling us, sounds more like you're just a jerk!

AngelaYVR, you're advocating cheating now? wow....

It's stupid threads like these that pisses off the GG members of the forum and yes I am one before you say anything..... geez :rolleyes:

[suchacutie]

Escalation can only result in more conflict. Please think about professional assistance as a couple. It might also be a good idea for both of you to have a complete physical. The whole situation is a powderkeg of difficult situations. IMHO.

[Rhian]

Can't see this thread lasting long :heehee:

[Monique53]

Wow! We all have bad days. This forum is for support, not to judge others. Lighten up people!!!

[Dianne S]

it's her damn body and if she doesn't want sex with you, no law states she has to.

You bet. But it's breaking the expectations of a marriage; I think anyone whose spouse withheld sex for seven years barring medical or serious psychological reasons would be more than justified in seeking a divorce.

I do agree with Tamara though... be honest and split up. Don't go having extra-marital affairs. That's crazy.

[Rachelakld]

Umm, no sex for me after 4 weeks would be an issue, and 8 weeks I'd be gone - oh ya, I did go.
I'm just a passionate guy who needs special cuddles.
Here we don't need special reasons to leave our partners, and there is no blame game, but splits are normally 50/50 on the assets

No sex for 2 months or more shows there are issues in the relationship that need sorting or divorcing

Do I dress in front of my children? well I'm in my pink summer dress (wifes actually) now and just assisted with a sticky plaster on a wound, and they love helping me buy pretty outfits. My kids love me in either mode, man mode to fix stuff, but girl mode to be understanding and compassionate.

[ShelbyDawn]

My ex and I got divorced because she is controlling, manipulative and abusive. The fact that we didn't have sex the last four years of our marriage was a bonus for me.
Ever heard of the song, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your a$$ out all day long?"

[Teresa]

Marie,
No intimate contact at all is very hard to live with ! Since my wife went through the change it's been nearly ten years ! I told my wife I respect her wishes but it does feel one sided !
Tamara, it is her body and she chooses what to do with it but when you have a basically normal functioning male within an arms length in bed and you and choose to ignore it, you do have to find alternatives ! OK I choose to turn to CDing but without that I would have been off ! I have discussed this point with my wife and she accepts it !

[Danitgirl1]

So, I appreciate that some people have stronger sexual urges than others, but what I simply don't get is:
Do you love your spouse or do you love sex with your spouse?
and the follow on
Do you love the person more or the sex act more?

For me, if you love the person then the sex becomes a non-issue, merely (one of many possible) an expression of that love.
Thinking about things differently may give you different results, just saying...

Of course if you discover that you love the sex act more than the person then what you have discovered is that you probably should never have married them in the first place, so win-win really...

<grabs helmet and dives for nearest fox hole>

:)

[Marcelle]

Hi Marie,

I am a bit confused by your post. Are you TS (transitioning to becoming a woman) or CD (want to dress like a woman from time to time)? You said your wife doesn't know you are TS but you came out to her awhile ago :confused: If you came out to her . . . how long ago was that. Is it possible that your wife's lack of intimacy may be linked to your CDing? Let's face the facts that while some SOs have no issue with the CDing aspect and intimacy is not an issue, others may not be able to bridge that gap. If you truly are TS and your wife knows . . . well just saying that you are asking her to enter in a same sex relationship and she may not be willing to do that. If you are just CD then I also have to ask have you sat her down and explained what that means . . . "Dear, I like to dress like a woman from time to time but I am still all guy when it comes to us being together intimately" If you have not she may be making some assumptions about you which may be flavouring her disinterest. If you have discussed being intimate do you see yourself (and have expressed this to her) as wanting to be dressed like a woman during those periods? Again this may me a bridge too far for her and as such she has shut down access because it is confusing to see herself getting intimate with someone who wants to do so as a woman vice a guy.

Now I am not going to get dragged into a "who provides what" when it comes to a relationship. However, I find that we (humans) tend to think that "sex" is the ultimate expression of a relationship and while it may seem that way . . . it is more so an innate response to ensure the procreation of the species . . . we have just romanced it up. Yes, I agree close intimate contact is important in a relationship but there are other forms of close intimate contact that are far more expressive of love then slipping between the sheets. Intimacy can simply be holding hands in public (an expression of closeness to the world around you), laughing at each others jokes or actively listening to each others stories/complaints (touching your SO internally) or just enjoying being in each others company . . . that is love and sex is not a prerequisite for any of those intimate moments. Don't get me wrong . . . I am not implying you don't do those things, I just think we sometimes tend to forget this level of intimacy and jump right to "sex" or lack there of to define how strong a relationship is. I have had plenty of GFs (prior to getting married) where sex was the defining part of our relationship but it was not love it was just sex . . . exciting yes but just mechanical.

Okay . . . seven years. I get you are frustrated but I have to ask . . . If this was such a big thing for you why let it boil away for seven years? You indicated you talked to your wife about it but did you attempt counselling? As well, I am still not clear if she knew about your dressing during this time as this may have something to do with it. Sex is not a "given" in any relationship. I can no more demand by wife "sex me up" than she can tell me to put on her favorite boxers, get in bed and be prepared to perform . . . there was nothing in the vows about "sex" . . . love yes . . . sex no. However, if this is an important thing for you then you do have to make some active decisions; (1) Try to resolve the intimacy issue . . . you really don't know the reason why and this is where counselling can help; or (2) and I hate to be crass but if it is all about sex then perhaps it is time to move on, but I don't get that from your post as you seem to love your wife. However, firing shots across the bow (I went upstairs and dressed as I no longer feel the need to pretend) will almost certainly go bad on some level.

Just my two cents

Hugs

Isha

[audreyinalbany]

what Isha said….But yeah if there is a serious disconnect about sex…and seven years is a long time in any marriage…there's probably more to it than 'having a baby is tough." Seems like counseling is going to be more effective than stomping around in your girl panties.

[Helen_Highwater]

Seven years though Helen?

Having a baby can totally alter a woman's nature. And depression can become the norm, the unusual becomes the everyday, the way it is. But I do agree with others, there's more going on here that perhaps we're privy to.

[Beverley Sims]

If you love your wife you can always wear her down with love and compassion.

When a woman gets shitty nothing works better than love and understanding.

Mine gets so frustrated cause I don't confront her, fight or show too much anger.

Making up is always good fun.
Why did you marry in the first place?
What went wrong?
Now go away and work on it a marriage is too precious to lose.

[Amy Fakley]

7 years is a lifetime. That would mean the last time you two were intimate was December 2007. Before there was a such thing as an iphone, MySpace ruled social media and Facebook was for college kids. Barack Obama was a little known senator from Chicago.

I smell shenanigans all over this story. Either there is some exaggeration involved or there is a hell of a lot more to this story. Post childbirth depression does not last until second grade for chrissakes. It just doesnt. If it goes on for that long, it really and truly is not about the child birth any longer and hasn't been for a whole lot longer than it has been.

Yall need to see a councilor in a hurry, if this is truly as described.

[Seana Summer]

"It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your a$$ out all day long?"

Yes I have, its by the notorious Cherry Bombs. Check out the video if you would like to see Vince Gill and Rodney Crowell wearing dresses!

But I degress

[Sandra]

OH but it's so different when the trans person can't accommodate the SO in the bed room.

[Nicole Erin]

Sandra, seems it is always the trans-person's fault, no matter what is going on in a relationship.

Every time another one of these threads pops up, it renews my thankfulness for not being married or tied down in a relationship. Sometimes I wish I had one but then you all help me come to my senses.

Thank you folks, keep these "so conflict" threads coming :D

[Tamara Croft]

I smell shenanigans all over this story. Either there is some exaggeration involved or there is a hell of a lot more to this story.

Or, it's all bullshit.... I went through some previous threads and came up with the following: -

11-01-2012, 11:32 AM - http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?183818-Marie-from-Ireland-Introducing-myself&p=3007345&viewfull=1#post3007345


So where to start? I'm 52, married with two small children. I am the homemaker. My wife earns most of the money.

Let's fast forward to a year and a half later when this was posted!

05-29-2014, 04:24 PM - http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214348-A-watershed-of-sorts-putting-away-man-stuff-permanently&p=3522425&viewfull=1#post3522425


I'm a working pilot not very active this year as they moved to a new base too far for me to commute regularly. Plus I'm burned out after six busy years of 14 hour working days, sometimes logging 30 hours in a week, no time for vacations and lousy pay.

And Marie has been back online and hasn't even posted to this thread.... shenanigans, exaggeration and bullshit... :rolleyes:

[Dianne S]

If you love your wife you can always wear her down with love and compassion.

If your wife loves you, you shouldn't have to "wear her down".


...a marriage is too precious to lose.

Depends on the marriage. Some marriages should be ended for everyone's sake.

[Desirae]

If this story is true, 7 years IS a long time. The only thing I don't get, like many others, is why this lack of sexual intimacy is such a big deal now and (presumably) has not been over the past 7 years? Or, has it been? Whatever the case, either get in counseling and try to work things out or get a divorce on the grounds of lack of intimacy or irreconcilable differences or whatever. I say skip the cheating unless you can get absolute permission from your spouse. I get that, maybe, you don't want to divorce for the sake of the child? That's honorable but doesn't necessarily help anyone in the long run.

[mariehart]

Sorry for the delay in replying I just needed time to get it together. But what else do you expect from a selfish childish jerk, as Tamara put it. I posted in frustration. I just needed to tell someone, anyone. I didn't even have a fight with my wife that night. It just got to me in the end. I simply told what I was going to do. I didn't even mention sex.

But Tamara is right about one thing, there is more to it. But first in relation to the seven year thing. Yes it's seven years since we made love on a regular basis. It stopped after the second child. But there have been intimate moments since, five times by my estimate and only two could be described as more. None this year and maybe one last year. But it is seven years since our normal intimacy ended because she lost interest after giving birth. Now I understood perfectly and never put any pressure on her. It happens.

But time dragged on and nothing changed. Not only that when I tried to raise the issue she dismissed me, wouldn't discuss it or even acknowledge it sometimes. I felt like a 'selfish childish jerk' when I brought up the subject. I'm not a pushy person so I let it go most of the time. If I pushed it she would get angry and clam up. S

he did suggest that if it was that important I should go elsewhere. Her suggestion, not mine. That wasn't an option for me or at least it wasn't.

This didn't come out of nowhere, it's been building up for some time now. The problem for me is that I've become very isolated. When I married I moved to my wife's home city and at one stroke lost regular contact with what few friends I had. Also my family. I don't make friends easily, so it's been difficult.

Tamara drew attention to a couple of posts of mine which to her seem inconsistent whereas in fact they are completely consistent. I am a full time homemaker, November 2012 was when I was really coming to terms with it. Before that I saw the job as the most important thing and I committed hard to it. It worked out fine when the kids were babies. We put them in a nursery every day, at great expense. But it was worth it I thought. But the job was never destined to be full time, even though sometimes it seemed like that.

I was away a lot for a couple of years. But this was never reflected in the money I made. It is also seasonal and weather dependant. So by Nov 2012 I wasn't working at all because the season was over. Around this time I sat down and worked out that in fact the job was costing us money. Once I paid taxes the remainder didn't cover all the other costs, particularly child care. It was in effect an expensive indulgent hobby. Now I could get work overseas and get paid a proper salary but that's not an option at this point.

So Tamara, from Nov 2012 I was a full time homemaker with what had become an interesting paying hobby which I didn't mention at the time. Sorry about that. I didn't realise it would be used in evidence against me later on. In 2013 I worked when I could even if that meant I had to bring the kids with me and leave them in the care of someone while I worked. Not a very practical solution you'll agree?

This year even that went as well because of the move to another base. I only worked a couple of weekends this year. But up until the summer of 2012 I worked all the hours I could, to the detriment of our family life and relationship. That was what I was referring to. No BS.

In effect I had give up any career aspirations because I couldn't match my wife's salary. It just made economic sense. Unless I had a well paid job that made it viable to hire someone to care for the children then it made more sense to stay at home.

So now I have no money of my own and I contribute almost nothing to the family finances. I've worked hard all my life and no matter how you spin it, being dependant on someone else is not something to be proud of.

Meanwhile I am TS, now like many others I thought I could make it go away, not deal with it and indeed I seemed to cope well enough for a while. But it doesn't go away and I wake up every morning with that slap in the face. Then I spend the rest of the day with it tripping me up at every turn. It grinds away, in turns I feel frustrated and depressed or guilty and ashamed about it. But I can't do anything to resolve it because I have responsibilities now. It's not fair that my issues would affect my children and my wife. I may be selfish jerk but I won't do that to them. I'm never going to transition. I would kill myself first.

But I do crossdress for all the reasons many of us do. As a form of escape and because it relieves the tensions that build up. It puts the old TS genie in the bottle for a while. So I told my wife I was a crossdresser in the hope that she would see it for what it is and perhaps even embrace it, however lightly. She hasn't and now I feel guilty and embarrassed that I told her, imposed it on her. We spoke about it last night and she told me again how she can't get her head around it and how she never wants to see me dressed. I just said it's no big deal and she should just pretend it never happened. I changed the subject because I'm too tired to bother anymore and instead we spoke about her work issues as we always do. That's all we really talk about anymore. I don't have work issues and my personal issues are not to be aired.

But I won't stop crossdressing. It's too important for me and outside of being with my kids it's the last outlet I have.

So essentially I have no job, no income, no hobbies, no friends, no sex, no one to talk to and nowhere to go. Life sucks!

I have my kids and that's something. There are many like me and many worse off than me. But you know, maybe I'm entitled to a childish tantrum every now and then.

As for my wife I don't want anyone to think she's a nasty woman. On the contrary she's a kind soft hearted woman and I love her. But she does have her issues and an inability to discuss or even admit to them is one of them. We won't be going to therapy because she would never admit there's a problem and I won't go because I've no money for it anyway.

So there it is. Rant over.

[Alice Torn]

MH, You needed to get all that out, even if only on here. I can relate, in that I have been out of work a long time, and give blood plasma for income, and recycle metal. No wife or family, though. No friends in my area. Though, most on this forum, seem to be doing well, there are a few of us, who have been having tough times a while. I wonder if there are any low income counselors or therapists near you. But, with no income at all, that maybe out of the question. I don't know if you are spiritual or religious, but that may be the only way to hang on. Maybe even go to a pub, and there may be a willing ear. I am very sorry. I have been through 4 1/2 years of pretty much friendlessness, too, and barely hang on sometimes.One day at a time. A dog or cat friend can work wonders, too. I have two cat friends.

[Katey888]

Marie - you feel free to vent... it's partly what this place is for.. :hugs: and if it helps, then keep sharing...

Not everyone will understand, but those of us that do can sympathise and will. For different reasons my wife has agreed to an 'open' relationship and I can attest that this is not something to be considered lightly but nor is the alternative... I really hope you can find a way forward for both of you - I doubt the forum here can help much other than giving you an opportunity to share and if that helps, keep on... :)

Best - Katey x

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Ever heard of the song, "It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your a$$ out all day long?"Nope, but that's the best line to describe my relationship I have ever read...

[Tamara Croft]

I might have been harsh on you Marie, that's just the way I am, however, look at your huge rant, it did you good, you needed to get that all out and do you feel better for it?? I must have hit a raw nerve, seeing as I'm the only one who you quoted and don't worry about the tantrums, I have them quite a bit ;) Anyway, please do talk to us more, you know what they say, cruel to be kind, sometimes you just need a kick up the butt :D

[Michelle789]

Marie, I am really proud of you that you were able to stand up for yourself and that you were able to start dressing yourself in front of your wife.

I don't think Marie is a upset about not having sex for seven years, but for not being able to dress herself for seven years.

[Teresa]

Marie,
It is easy to fall into these traps if you're not a selfish person ! Having a rant is OK if we choose not to read it that's OK but to make unnecessary critical comments is uncalled for ! You feel bad enough without members ripping you apart !!

[avant1465]

Through all I've read in this thread, I think I can honestly offer my time-worn opinion of the situation in which mariehart finds herself. To wit:

If two people believe that they are "an item".... and IF things evolve such that those two people find that they are not compatible sexually/sensually/intimately.... THEN there really IS NOT a "relationship"... and they are best to go their separate ways....

This has NOTHING to do with C/D or T/S.... it is simply a fact-of-life about what goes on between men and women....

[Lorileah]

The only thing I don't get, like many others, is why this lack of sexual intimacy is such a big deal now and (presumably) has not been over the past 7 years?

Amok time?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amok_Time

Yes everyone has a right to complain. But why are you keeping score? :strugglin That reeks of "I did this, you should do that." To me it sounds like the negatives outweigh the positives so maybe it is time to move on. No one should be miserable in a romantic relationship

[docrobbysherry]

Wish u all the best, Marie. Altho I never quite understood how going upstairs and dressing because u aren't having sex helps if you're a TS? That mite work for me because I'm a "fetish closet dresser".

But, as u said in your closing post, you're "done contributing". So, whether I understand or not is "neither here nor there"!:straightface: