Sometimes it's lonely, ya know??

[Eringirl]

Won't try to be too much of a downer, but need to express some thoughts/feelings...

I was out and about yesterday, as the real me. Spent the afternoon at the Library, then picked up some new boots.. :D. It is getting a bit cooler and my runners just won't cut it anymore. Feeling very good. No one did a second look, usually friendly chit chat, passing people in the hallways and at the mall etc, But then, time to turn into a pumpkin. So, back to drap. Felt a bit crappy, not physically, emotionally. Was lying awake most of the night. I know there are peaks and valleys along this journey, and it is sorta like riding a dragon, so this may be a valley. I miss not being able to share things. I was very excited by the boots, they are way cute and sooo comfy, but there is no one to tell or share with. There is no support group in my city that I have been able to find. My SO is uber not supportive, so that is out. I am only out to a small group of people, my family doctor, my therapist and a few people at work, (and SO) all 15 years ago. But that is it. I don't really feel the need to come out just for the sake of coming out, but man, this can suck sometime doing this by yourself. On top of that, my therapist and I are trying to find and Endo with experience in TS but nothing so far. There are 7 endos in my city, so there are still more to go. I had a lot of questions for my therapist that she was not able to answer, hence the search for an Endo.

I read somewhere lately (unfortunately can't find the citation), that at my age (55) the best one can hope for in HRT is to look like a dude in a dress, as the body is too old to experience breast growth and reallocation of body fat etc. I really don't want to look like a dude in a dress, I want to have at least some semblance of the female form. So that was kind of disheartening. But looking to verify that, hoping an endo can assist? So I sit here, feeling, hmmm, isolated maybe? Anyway, not a good place to be, so I am going to try to shake it. :sad:

Thanks for listening. No response necessary, just needed to get that out.

Hugs to all.

Erin

[Jennifer-GWN]

Erin;

I hear you loud and clear and in similar space. Looking forward to good news later this week regarding scripts. Fingers crossed. I'm out regularly in public as the real me. From a disclosure I'm taking an outer ring inward approach vs. inner ring outward. I have the luxury of not having the spousal aspect to contend with. +/-... I could really use the companionship and daily support but don't have to deal with the relationship dynamics that come with this journey.

Most of my close friends are West Coast or East coast have few friends locally in part due to hours worked and in part due to my personal journey and over the past 10 years a dedicated focus on my Son and maintaining relations with my ex. (which are good and I want to keep them that way). She knows of my desires to transition and it was 1 of 2 aspects that lead to our separation and divorce way back.

So I too am alone locally on my journey and doing the best to learn as I go, read as much as possible, investigate issues as I face them, and progress with a smile. There is a (somewhat) local group that meets which I've attempted to get to but schedules are often challenging. I did join and attend a Meetup Dinner a few weeks back and it was nice being in the presence of "like minded" folks for a change.

I'd die if someone were to suggest a shopping trip or a coffee was on the agenda. {wink}

My Dr. did stress that having local friends and support are very important.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Carlene]

Hi Erin,

It is difficult doing this alone, but for some it is the only way. Because there are so many factors involved (family, friends, job, etc.) it is difficult for anyone to give advice. The most we can do here is support each other and answer questions as they are asked.

I am sorry you feel alone. Most cities in Ontario have professional people who are part of or have close ties to the LGBT community and can probably help you with finding an edno or trans friendly/experienced doctor. Furthermore, they might be able to help you find someone of common ground that you could talk to.

Hope you have a better afternoon......Carlene

[Nicole Erin]

That is why I do not worry about HRT or other expensive junk. Not like I could afford to do it anyways.
If HRT doesn't do much once we reach a certain age, what is the point? The best we can do is either accept things or dress best we can to hide male attributes (even that works only so well, especially in the hot, humid summer when wearing long sleeves or whatever isn't practical)

[KellyJameson]

You have some things in your favor. One is being in touch with your emotions and knowing how to express them.

You see alot of self destructive behavior in our world from the pain of being physically removed from yourself and yet forced to live.

In many ways you feel and think opposite how the world perceives you until you transition.

I spent many years trying to explain to others that my motives were that of a woman and not a man because these motives and behavior came out of the thinking and feeling ways of women and not men.

It is interesting how transitioning makes others experience you as now "normal".

I make "sense" to others now when I "do what I do" or "feel what I feel". They do not experience me as a walking, talking contradiction any longer and I also make "sense" to myself now.

That sense of always being the opposite of everything is gone. It is far more than just the body but the body is necessary to change to remove all the experiences of "being an opposite" and "being in opposition to" Difficult to articulate the emotional experience.

The loneliness that comes with being Trans is there on some level for all people trans regardless of where they are at concerning transitioning or their life as to age/circumstances because it is a type of loneliness very difficult to resolve. There are no simple answers for it.

Gender dysphoria is very democratic as to the suffering regardless of "assets"

Do what you can and find those that you can that will help make possible not living in opposition to yourself and the world you reside in.

That sense of always living opposite what you are or forcing yourself to be opposite or to live opposite is part of what makes us suffer. There are no easy answers to solving this dilemma but in my opinion it is better to try than to do nothing.

Doing nothing will take you into depression and keep you there.

At its core you are aligning your soul with the universe you live in by changing the physical expression of this universe, including your body.

You may not succeed to the degree you want to or need to but sometimes it is better to fight for yourself even if in the end you know that you will lose.

Life is a momentary experience that can end at any moment. Sometimes you have to risk it all to experience it and it is not what is bought by the risking but what is experienced by being able and willing to risk it

We must be willing to reach for the stars to find ourselves and for transsexuals this is not a choice if they ever want the hope of escaping the darkness imposed on them by being imprisoned in the perpetual experience of "being opposite to everything".

It is not about "Not being a dude in a dress" but in no longer living in opposition to yourself and all things and having all things living in opposition to you.

You want to find and know "alignment" in your soul, heart and body with the "universe"

Alignment starts with you and your body and than goes "outward into all things"

[whowhatwhen]

If you're in Toronto PM me and I'll give you the name of a good endo.

[Angela Campbell]

well.....don't believe that hrt never works for those over 55........worked pretty good for me.

[Stephania]

Almost 57. Been on hrt for 11 months at a low dose due to heart problems. It has worked for me.

[Rachel Smith]

HRT is not just for the body although at 59 I am happy with my results. What surprised me the most was the mental aspect. I plain ol' just feel better about me and that was one of the things I desired a lot. So yes count me in with the happy late bloomers.

[kimdl93]

I'll let others here with experience directly the potential for HRT, beyond my admonition not to put too much stock in what you read somewhere. But more important, please take steps to find yourself a support network. It seems your SO can't provide it, so have you looked into the presence of a support group in your area?

[Kris Avery]

well.....don't believe that hrt never works for those over 55........worked pretty good for me.

Yes it did Angelia. You look great....

Without your stories - I would have never entertained the notion that there is hope to actually being able relieve GD with HRT at 45 years old. Laser is great....if it's not grey hair....(Doah)

So, huge thanks.

Btw, I started HRT myself just last Wednesday. E+S only ....no F or P (at least not yet).

[I Am Paula]

Jennifer and Erin. Where are you? PM if ness. I'm up for coffee and shopping any time.

[PaulaQ]

Erin, there's really no way to know how HRT is going to affect you without trying it. The results are highly variable from person to person. I'm lucky, I've gotten better results, more quickly than a friend of mine who's in her 20's. I've seen other women my age get not very much from it.

To be honest with you, the main benefit for me from HRT is the feeling of hormonal congruence within my mind. Within a couple of months of starting HRT last year (Estradiol, Progesterone, Spiro), I felt pretty normal. When I started the year, I suffered from severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal ideation. I was not in a good place. Not even close. HRT saved my life. It didn't magically eliminate all my gender dysphoria, but it sure cut down on it a lot. It brought it to a manageable level where the other slow parts of physical transition can begin to happen. It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel my days were numbered.

That my face looks a little better and I have small breasts is really just a bonus.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Ering, your facts are not totally correct.

I was older than you and went from a 38 ZERO to a 38D on HRT. My entire body became very soft, I lost all the hair that I did have on my arms and legs. Now there is nothing or a little peach fuzz. Aside from my breasts, my face made the most dramatic change to looking really feminine. My muscle mass went away as did my strength. New (not old) fat is gained the the typical female pattern. And there is a lot more but I think I have made my point. You are NOT too old.

Now in the course of full disclosure, a lot depends on your genes and breast growth "tends" to be aligned similar to the females in your family history. All of the females in my family have large breasts and thin bodies.

I also had virtually no facial hair, only some hair on my arms and legs, and no torso hair with the exception of a "little" under my arms. Baldness of any type does not run on either side of my family and I come from families who have lots of head hair. I am small to medium boned and never did develop "typical" male muscle structures. You are old enough to remember the match book covers of the skinny kid standing on a beach next to Mr. Atlas with the advertisement "This could be you." That was me even as an adult (the skinny kid). My point is that NOTHIG is engraved in stone as it comes to the affects of HRT for a MTF.

Now as far as you not finding a TS experienced endocrinologist, you don't have to have one. I have had several Endo who have never treated a TS but they all are experts in HRT for women and through their management of hormones, I was very successful.

To all the rest of you reading this, NEVER EVER think you are "TOO" old to transition or have surgery or start hormones because almost without exception that is not true unless you have some serious medical condition that would prevent you from having any major surgery.

[Eringirl]

Wow, all I can offer is a somewhat teary eyed thank you to all of you! The fact that you took the time to respond and provide such thoughtful and supportive comments really means so very much!

Interesting that my last session with my therapist was about the increase in all the emotions PaulaQ described, mostly he anxiety and panic attacks. I thought i was the only one that experienced that. So I get that. Sometimes I focus on the physical benefits of HRT I forget about the mental ones. Oh, to have that balance. It must be so wonderful. Thanks for reminding me of that. Sometimes you get in a headspace that focuses on one tiny aspect that is negative and you loose the big picture so that was very beneficial!

I am thinking of changing to a more specialized therapist if I can find one. The one I have know has been wonderful up to this point but even she admits that we may be at the edge of her expertise. I gotta think that in a city with 4 hospitals, 2 of them teaching and research hospitals, there has to be an endo that can help me? Right? So I will keep on looking.

And you all look so great. I know that it varies individually, but it looks like HRT does have positive effect physically, but the emotional aspect would be worth the price of admission alone !

So, I get back on my feet, put on my big girl panties and keep going. Some days are better than others, but I am still here, and that is what matters.

Thanks again for listening and caring. You are special people. :hugs:

Erin

P.S. Paula, I don't get to TO as much as I used to. But next time I am up I will let you and Jennifer know! :D