Chickened out

[tiffiany]

Well I had the day off and so I decided to try and go shopping for clothes. But for some reason I chickened out multiple times when I was in the stores. My heart was saying its normal for you be here, to be browsing, no one cares, but my mind was saying the opposite. Normally Im ok when Im shopping with other strangers, but for some reason my mind was dictating to me that it wasnt right to be here, you shouldnt be browsing the intimate section. Why do I have to listen my mind, my conscious. There is a lot of irony in this as I normally dont really care what other people think of me but yet today my mind is thinking the opposite and Im listening to it. I wish sometimes I wasnt given a conscious so I could just be who I really am and not have to care how people view me.

How does someone get rid of this barrier as I see it, how do I breakdown these thoughts and feelings so I can be my trueself. Cause at the moment I feel like Im slowly sliding back towards my oldself. I hope there is a way out (a possible solution to this), because I dont like how I feel at the moment.

Thanks for listening.

[AprilMae]

Ya just gotta do it. This is a good time to try it, being Valentine's Day. Go into a store like Target or Kmart, get what you want, maybe some batteries or other manly item, maybe a box of candy or a Valentine's card and check out. No one will care. think about it, do you actually notice what other people buy? I know I don't.

[Julie York]

Survival instinct is strong.

But valentines is a neat reason to be buying stuff.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Tiffiany

Just go do it, it's as simple as that!

GypsyKaren

[Sally/nyc]

Hi Tiffiany:
Start with the stores that you know from this forum are accepting of CD'ers, like Lane Bryant, Payless shoes, , most lingerie shops (call ahead and tell them you want to buy lingerie for yourself, but are self conscious, I have done this many times and they get very encouraging, telling you to come in, they will ensure your privacy, find a dressing room for you, etc.)
Then get the managers name and tell her when you want to come in. When you arrive, ask for the manager, this makes it OK since now you have a friend there. The manager will have one of the salegirls attend to you and they will be very helpful, because they want to sell, and they also want to put you at ease . This works wonders, since you don't just walk in and look very suspicious and uncomfortable. Be pleasant and don't hesitate to ask for what you want, they know you like lingerie and want to help you buy some. They will also be picking out things for you to try on, believe me, it's a rush to have a woman telling you to try this garment or that bra or slip, etc

Do it Tif, they have probably waited on hundreds of men buying for themselves, and they are perfectly at ease with it.
Hugs, Sally;)

[Butterfly Bill]

It sounds like you are more concerned about existence of the mental pugilistics than the doing of the deeds themselves. Do you get so nervous that you can't do stuff like get money out of your pocket? If this is not the case, just let your mind do whatever it wants while you perform the behavior. The only thing that is really going to calm you down is doing it over and over again and experiencing what really happens, instead of what your mind is now thinking might happen. And this takes several several tries. It's not going to dissappear all at once, never to return.

[mskilmer]

I used to do the same thing. I's start out all intent on shopping for some things, then I'd chicken out. Finally I decided to just be bold about it ... not try to lie about what I was doing, just be very up front about it. You know what? Nobody really cared. People have other things to worry about.

The other day I went to the Goodwill store dressed as a woman. There was a young girl there shopping with her mother ... I guess she mighth have been 16 or so. She pointed to me and said to her Mom ... "That's a MAN!" Her mother said, "So what!" and she just kept on shopping.

It's tough, I know ... but I just keep telling myself that it seems much more important to me than it really is to others.

[tiffiany]

Thanks for all the couragement.


It sounds like you are more concerned about existence of the mental pugilistics than the doing of the deeds themselves. Do you get so nervous that you can't do stuff like get money out of your pocket?
When I first go into the womens department Im fine, but the longer Im in that particular department or looking at that particular item I get more nervous as if I shouldnt be there. The walk up to the register with the items in my hand and the waiting in line really bothers me as Im constantly wondering what people think. Once Im at the cash register and the person is ringing me up, Im fine. What gives?

[Keyplayer74]

Finally someone posts this...

I get very self concious going into the store to buy chick stuff. I've only done it a handful of times, and twice out of that handful someone called me on it. A girl at the makeup counter - (a week before Christmas!) gave me a little trouble... I said I needed a gift for my wife, picked out a stocking stuffer thing they had on the counter (it was a boxed up lip liner and lipstick, complete with bowtie) and the girl behind the counter says, "For your wife huh?" as she's ringing it up.. I don't know if she thought it was really for me, but in my mind that's what I thought she meant. And the other day.. I grabbed a cover-stick and brought it to the counter at a local grocery store and the girl yells out, "Oh, that is NOT your color!" That was embarassing. Anyway.. it's all very difficult for me to do. I know it's no big deal - they aren't going to DO anything... but I don't like announcing to the public that I'm a CD. I'm a closet CD, want to keep it that way.

I actually went through the trouble to get a PO Box and have items shipped there because I was too chicken-sh*t to get the items I wanted (size 11 heels, corset, that type of stuff). I hope it gets better for you!

[Petrina CD]

I go in to the womans section and look for a sales girl. I tell her I need to get my wife a gift but that I am to shy to roam the womens section on my own . Men buy their wives clothes all the time. And usually the sales girls think you are really cool for doing so. The one time I was honest they didn't belive me.

[Miriannah]

Ya just gotta do it. This is a good time to try it, being Valentine's Day. Go into a store like Target or Kmart, get what you want, maybe some batteries or other manly item, maybe a box of candy or a Valentine's card and check out. No one will care. think about it, do you actually notice what other people buy? I know I don't.
I know this doesn't help build confidence, but I'm actually a checker at Target, and I notice what people buy when it's something like that. Of course, it could be me noticing the signs that someone could potentially be "one of my own" so to speak.

But yeah, you can mask it if you do it right. Someone here made a great suggestion--ask for a gift reciept when you buy it...maybe buy some minor wrapping supplies & chocolates as well. (You can always return the other crap, Target is almost too good regarding returns!) Just make sure you don't look nervous, or your cover is as good as blown. ;)

If I didn't work at Target, that's probably exactly how I'd do it. Maybe I'll go across the way to Mervyns. ^^

[tara 24-7]

get in the store pick up a pair of fishnets and go from there, i did it only yesterday, then decide what gos with it?????? it takes hours, enjoy kisses tara xxxx ps dont be afraid to put skirts on or hold them against yourself xxxxx

[mskilmer]

I think what really makes me most nervour about shopping in the womens section alone is that I feel like somebody may see me as a "dirty old man" fingering the panties. I could care less that they think I may actually want to wear the stuff.

Last night my wife and I went to Target. I'd seen several things on clearance there that I thought she might like. (We're very close ... but not so close that I can confidently predict what she'd really like to wear!) Anyway, we picked out several things, and in the process we discussed things like what would look good on me, what we could both share, etc. It was fun. I wound up buying a new body shaper, and she got several other things. At the counter we divvied up the stuff and she bought hers first. Then I bought my few things, including the shaper. It was obvious it was for me. The girl couldn't have cared less. I just do NOT want to have to resort to trickery in order to feel like I can do things I want to do, like shop. There's nothying wrong with it. I'd never ask for a gift reciept to try to hide myself ... it would make me feel bad. If it works for others, that's fine ... I'm not trying to preach that my way is the only way. But I am SO glad I finally realized that most people just do not care where I shop or what I shop for. It is very empowering.

[MsJordan]

Tiffany...I am the same way. I always intend on buying several items but usually walk out emptyhanded or only one of the things I came to get. I get burst of courage sometimes where I don't care but for the most part, I'm just like you. My conscious will tear me apart. I have been called out or looked at funny on a couple occasions especially when buying panties and hose. Over christmas break I bought a top returned it and the girl says "Oh this isn't your color!!" and it was so so embarrassing and made me even more nervous than I was. Christmas and Valentines are the times of year when I can do it without feeling so nervous. I'm still no where most girls are who can just go buy items on a regular basis but I'm trying to get there. Now with Valentine's Day in a couple of week...I can shop for myself, act as if its for her by buying a gift bag and a card,etc and not feel so bad.

How do the rest of you shop for fem items so confidently?

[DonnaT]

Tiffiany, you "simply" just have to take a deep breath and say, DO IT!

Once you had a couple of purchases under your belt, then it becomes easier.

[Deanna2]

Like they say - if you want to swim, you've got to get in the water.

As other girls have said, 'just do it'. Nobody really cares about other shoppers. You could try going shopping first thing in the morning before the stores get too crowded.

I used to be quite self-concious, but slowly I've gained confidence. Now I feel quite comfortable just wandering around the ladies wear and lingerie sections of department stores looking at clothes. I buy most of my gear at Target or Kmart or local markets.

[Michelle76CD]

tiffany,
I am a novice at this and have only purchased a few items for myself. Most of my purchases have been lingerie (merriwidow, babydoll, bras, panties, stockings). I am getting more and more comfortable with those purchases because I can easily convince myself that they are for a wife or girlfriend. But, buying actual women's clothing has been much harder! I was very nervous buying my first item - a simple pair of black pants (in my photo, actually!) I finally got the to the sales counter and I had to wait what seemed like forever for a sales lady. Finally, a cute 20-something girl came to ring my up and she said to me, "Those will look cute on you!" I was speechless! I instantly blushed, paid, and left the store... but part of my wants to go back and she if she can help me with my next purchase.

michelle

[KellyT]

Thanks for all the couragement.


When I first go into the womens department Im fine, but the longer Im in that particular department or looking at that particular item I get more nervous as if I shouldnt be there. The walk up to the register with the items in my hand and the waiting in line really bothers me as Im constantly wondering what people think. Once Im at the cash register and the person is ringing me up, Im fine. What gives?


I understand where you are coming from. I've been there many times. I am now getting to a point where I really don't give a damn. Chances are i'm not going to see any of these people again. As far as they're concerned I may as well be buying a present for my wife. As someone pointed out when I posted about my trip to buy my first pair of boots, the sales person is only interested in the sale.
i remember last October buying a big fluffy and gorgeously soft bath robe from the womens department. I was so paranoid. A couple behind me were laughing and I was convinced they were laughing at me. I probably flatter myself too much to even think they had noticed me. I wasn't dressed and looked very drab and bland. What i'm trying to say is everyone is so busy and caught up in their own lives that they barely notice any thing else going on around them. If they do then it is probably just a passing thought. But, in your own mind, you are doing something that you expect to be ridiculed for, and the more you dwell on it the worse your imagination gets and you start to imagine all sorts of scenarios. It's like standing on the edge of a 10m diving board, the longer you stand before jumping the harder it gets. Be confident, love who you are. As Eddie Izzard said in an interview with Johnathon Ross once (A UK TV on TV). "Cross dressing is a gift." Be proud and fill your lungs with air then take that step. Once you've done it you'll be straight back up the steps to the top of the diving board for another jump.

[AprilMae]

I just came back fom KMart. I bought some knee highs and pantyhose, 2 tops and a skirt blouse set. On this i need s size larger on the top than the skirt. The checker asked if I knew they were different sizes and what size is she. I said the sizes are right, she is bigger on top. Thanks. She smiled and took my credit card. Only once have I ever been asked if something was for me, a dress onetime, and I said yep, smiled and winked at the girl. Life is too short for me to have anymore hangups about such trivial things.

[wendy]

I know what you're going thru, when I first went shopping for clothes, it took me a very long time to get over that hump.

I kept thinking to myself "oh my goodness, what are these people going to think of me browsing around in the lingerie section ?"

Truth is, none of these 'people' really care. I've found if you wander around looking at lingerie, no one really bats an eye. More often than not, you're psyching yourself out for no reason.

I've purchased numerous women's clothing over the years, and I've probablly only received 3-4 questions/comments on the items i've purchased; most of the time they asked "are you sure this is the right size".

If you are nervous, try and go on a weekday, especially right when the doors open. You wind up having a few minutes to yourself before other customers arrive. Or better yet, go to one of those thrift stores. Most of the time people are more busy looking for deals on the racks than noticing who is browsing what.:D

[Nicole Lee]

I know how you feel. I have that feeling of people looking at me and thinking, " Oh my God, why is he shopping here? " ESPECIALLY when they take a quick glance at me.

But like said above, those ' people ' really don't care. They care more about WHAT THEY want to buy, rather than WHO ELSE is buying clothes. If anything, they'll just look at you, but just shrug it off because there's many different reasons as to why you're shopping for womens' clothing. Could be for that special someone, could be for yourself. They don't know, and they don't care.

[suspender]

I admit I love the rush. Like some of the posts here, most people dont really care (or see) what you have got. If you asked them (the other customers or staff) tomorrow, what did the guy look like that bought the dress/lingerie or whatever, they wouldn't remember you. I graduated from supermarket to department store, where i would buy other goods to blend in with my real purchase. The main thing to do is look like you know what you want and dont look sheepish (I swear some people can smell fear!). Now I just get what I want, and the occasional comment I may get from a cheeky checkout chick doesnt bother me..if they ask who its for I say 'me' and give them a cheeky smile, its worked so far. Life is too short to stress, and remember that girly stuff was invented by humans for humans. Who made the rules who could wear what? (Geez, the French had it pretty mixed up a few centuries ago - and that was cool back then. Who knows, cding may be the norm in a century - then we may have to do something different to stand out again!!);) .

Sus.

[AndreaRose]

I went out and made my first purchase today and it was incredibly nerve racking. I thought about leaving but then said I'm going to do it. The best thing is that my Wa-Mart has self check outs so I could just ring my stuff up and pay with out being worried that a sales person was judging me. Also no one even paid attention to what I had in my hands as I went to pay. You just gotta say go for it and don't let your nerves take hold.

[Gunda]

Hi,
Repeated purchases will usually help with the nervousness. I've bought some clothes from the Goodwill in drab and nobody has ever said a thing. Last time I bought a dress the lady checker who rang me up said "pretty dress" and told me that I could return it with the receipt if "it doesn't fit her." Whether she knew it was for me I don't know - though I suspect so - she treated it just like another sale. Nine times out of ten people working at places are more than happy to have your business whatever the case.

Best,
Gunda

[monicawyer]

I know it's much easier said than done but you just have to go out with the attitude of not caring what anyone else thinks. You don't know them, they don't know you, so what do you have to prove to anyone? Nothing! Before I came out as Monica to the world I used to shop for her in drab and sometimes found it very difficult. I don't know if you feel this but I used to wonder what everyone else was thinking about this guy in the womans department - I would get paraniod tunnel hearing, thinking they were whispering to each other. Of course they weren't - just my paranoia! One thing I used to do was wear a personal stereo and listen to music - it really helped me detatch myself from everyone around me.

Calling up in advance never seemed like a good idea for me - I always felt it would prime ALL the shop assistants to be lined up waiting for the circus to arrive. I just felt it attracted far more attention to the situation than just going in and getting on with it. That's just my opinion - different approaches work better for different people! In England there are very few shops that don't have a 30 day refund policy (one large chain store is 90 days!) So there is no need to try things on in the shop anyway. Anyway, I hope my ramblings are of some help, now go shopping!!

Monica xx

[Cathy Anderson]

How does someone get rid of this barrier as I see it, how do I breakdown these thoughts and feelings so I can be my trueself.
Hi Tiffiany,

You ask a good question.

First, consider that it usually isn't exactly a case of "my completely true female self" against "my completely false male self."

Your experience in the store is a case in point. It *is*, up to a point at least, a realistic and genuine concern to have doubts about being seen by others, especially people in your community, as a man buying frillies.

We are social animals. Even if you consciously say, "I don't care what others think," we are biologically programmed otherwise. That isn't necessarily bad. So it's not really just a case of "stupid other people and their stupid rules won't let me be myself." Rather, I see it as more of "do I have a genuine, love-based ethical concern not to 'scandalize' other people, or otherwise neglect my innate (and manly?) responsibilities towards them, while at the same time meeting my needs and interests?"

So, rather than try to avoid conscience altogether, let me suggest a more adaptive alternative--which is to somehow re-interpret your actions to make them consistent with your conscience.

One way is to say to yourself: I have this fem interest, it does seem important, it does seem worth exploring, and I believe that it's a problem to just repress it. Therefore I have some ethical responsibility to myself and others to explore it in a responsible way. My buying a few fem clothes supports this exploration. Therefore by doing so--provided that I do so in an otherwise ethical and responsible way--I am helping myself and, at least indirectly, others.

Examples of how to do so ethically might include waiting before any children have left to complete the purchase, selecting a sales person who seems less likely to mind, or--my favorite--asking for a gift receipt or gift box, implying that the articles are not for you.

This mere act of diplomacy, to the extent that it is motivated by concern for the sensitivies of others, changes the act of buying clothes from something exclusively selfish.

Also, itt is better to view the salesperson as a human being, someone with their own problems and interests, and not make yourself, and your own guilt, the focus of your thinking.

Forming or maintaining an alliance between the female and the conscience is important. Perhaps you might also want to review your intentions for crossdressing generally, and sort out those which seem truly harmless or even constructive, from those which might be more questionable.

Cathy

[suanne]

Hi. I agree with Gunda to a point. I can buy anything now. No problem. Well almost anything. I have problems buying certain items. Like wigs, or a pair of thigh high patent leather boots. (To die for.:cry: ) Thats where I choke. I know I can get a PO box and all of that but it is alot of expense for only a few items. So I guess you just have to suck it up and do it. I went into this speciality clothing store (for no better term) and was looking at thigh high boots. Well other than being over priced the guy at the counter, well I wasn't going to ask him for a size 12 pair of anything. So I chickened out and left. I love girdles also, but am afraid to have anything mailed to my home. Hey, I guess this isn't a new idea. But wouldn't it be great if there was a cd place run by a cd who would order stuff for you or you could order it and have it sent there and keep it there in your own locker. I have heard of places like that but haven't checked it out much. I know of no place like that in the central Ohio area. Is there?

Suanne

[Felicia]

Here is something that worked well with me one of the first times I went to buy lingerie. I had a list of things with sizes and pretended that I wrote them down from the sizes in her clothes. When the sales lady in JP Penny lingerie dept. asked to help me I told her what I was looking for and showed her the list of the sizes. I said it was a gift to my lady friend... of course I didn't tell her that the lady friend was me..... I would bet that she guessed it. After the sale she said if they don't fit her or if she doesn't like them I could return them.

[Amanda Harriman]

I've gotten nervous and have also chickened out before but then I realize that it's not illegal. It doesn't matter if you are in drag or not.

There's no law against crossdressing.
There's no law against men buying women's clothing.

Once I reaffirm that, it gets easier. From that point on, the worst that can happen is that they say no and ask you to leave. Ok, a little rejection, maybe a little embarassment, but you don't know them and they don't know you. Leave and go somewhere else.

Sometimes I call ahead to check or prepare them if I'm in drag.

[mskilmer]

A couple days ago I went to Payless Shoes to search in vain again for women's shoes large enough for the boats I call "feet". Anyway, the salesperson was nowhere to be seen, and I was looking at the largest (yet too small) women's shoes they had when she popped up from nowhere, spritely and energetic, and scared the s*it out of me. "Hi! Can I help you find something? Are you looking for something for yourself?" I was still shocked and said I was looking for shoes for my wife. "Do you know her size?" I said no, and she asked how tall she was. I held up my hand and said, "About like this." "Oh ... she's a size 8. They're over here." Now I know some people are very good at what they do, but to size my wife's feet based on some vague hand motion ... I had to laugh. (Actually she's a 10, FYI.) I have no idea why I freaked and said they were for my wife, but I'm glad I did 'cause I got a good chuckle.