Wanting to understand, but not overthink...

[Avagardner]

Hi everyone! This is my first time here and I was just wondering if you guys would be able to help me understand my bfs newfound affinity for cross dressing.
So to give a little history, we are in our early 30's, and have been together almost 5 years. He had never said anything about having a desire to cross dress. Last year was the first time we tried it, and it started by me just doing his make-up...which I actually enjoyed...(he has really pretty hazel eyes:)) that happened probably twice, and then he introduced dressing up a few weeks later, which again I didn't mind. This probably happened about 2 or 3 times. We got a little sexual with it, but didn't actually go all the way.
Of course I had the normal worries, like, does this mean he's bi? Confused about his identity? Is he going to want to do this all the time? I questioned these things because I'm simply not educated enough about cross dressing to come to an accurate conclusion. We talked about it very openly, and he basically told me that he likes the feel of the clothes, he enjoys feeling "pretty/hot" and it doesn't mean anything more than that. He told me he has always had a special admiration for women (more so than other men). He assured me that he's very comfortable in his skin, and has no desire to become a woman, nor is he at all attracted to other men.
I wanna say it's been about a year since we've done it, he hasn't spoken about it so it hasn't come up. Recently it came up again, and he wanted to take it a step further and buy a corset and a bra that will make it look like he has cleavage. For some reason, this struck a cord with me...I couldn't help but wonder why he wants to alter a part of his body to look like the opposite sex. He assured me of the same things he did last year, stating that he doesn't think of it as anything more than mere "fun"... Which is fine with me, I want him to do whatever makes him feel good and be happy. But I wanted to know, either from other cross dressed or significant others of said cross dressers... What is it that makes this feel so good for them? He states that he just likes the way he looks/feels when dressed...how does he not question his own sexuality? He says it turns him on that we experience the whole thing together, and has expressed that he would like to have sex while dressed, and also for me to peg him (this isn't new to us, we've done that many times before). I feel like I MAY be okay with this, but it hasn't happened yet and I'm terrified that I might get weirded out and just feel like Im Having sex with a totally different person.
He told me that when he was younger, all he would watch was lesbian porn, and always wondered what it would be like to be one of the women. Is this a common thought among cross dressers? I just want to understand what is so enjoyable about it, and how he is able to dress up and still feel comfortable as a man. I want to understand it better, and he tells me that I'm overthinking it. He says he doesn't wonder about his sexuality at all, that I am all he wants and that will not change. He just finds the process of dressing up, as well as being dressed up, enjoyable.
Would anyone be able to shed some light on this? I just want to become more educated on the subject so I can understand him better. I am hoping that this can just become me learning and experiencing one more interesting thing about the person I love.
Thank you in advance for any advice!!!

[Maria 60]

WOW! That's a big question your asking, if I could answer that I could maybe answer my questions. I am not a expert but all I can do is tell you my experience. Told my wife early in our marriage that I enjoyed wearing women's cloths and dressing and acting like a women, told her the first time I remembered putting on a pair of my sisters pantyhose, to that same morning I put on hers. Just like yourself she would do anything to see her family happy and has been a very supportive and a big part of my understanding of it. When I would ask why do I want to do this, she would always tell me not to waste my time trying to figure it out and just enjoy and have fun with it. She calls it a gift, I call it a curse. She loves having a husband that protects her and a husband who loves to shop with her and do fem thing. She calls it best of both worlds and believes our relationship is so strong because of the dressing. I believe the key would be where does he want to go with it, he has told you just like myself its like a hobby, found no need to tell anyone, our little secret. All these years been very happy in the closet, took some chances now and then, it kind of comes and goes, and sometime when it comes it comes on strong, that's why it always isn't roses either. Communicate with each other and most of all be honest if you don't like something tell him. My wife wouldn't buy me and didn't want me to wear anything pink for the longest time. I couldn't figure it out but then one day she came home with a pink bra and panties. Well I think I am babaling on here so I will leave it at that. Try to enjoy it and most of all be honest.

[Helen_Highwater]

Ava,
Firstly welcome and thank you for taking the time to gain a better understanding.

If you read enough posts on here you'll realise that most CD'ers are'nt gay or bi. I think it's fair to say the majority are in stable he/she relationships so I wouldn't stress too much about your BF's sexuality.
I just want to understand what is so enjoyable about it, and how he is able to dress up and still feel comfortable as a man. I want to understand it better Again read widely here and you'll see that there are a myriad reasons as to what draws us to this lifestyle. It's just who we are, 2 sides of the same coin.
When he dresses, the stock market doesn't crash, or the price of oil goes up, no-one dies, in the great scheme of things it doesn't have any effect. A lot of the fears we have are unfounded, often irrational so if you think of it as a non event then that's what it becomes and the fear goes away. Perhaps the best way I can put it is if you don't mind if someone is gay, knowing someone who's gay isn't an issue, it's a non event, it's just one of those things that exists in a plural accepting society.

[Adriana Moretti]

Yea that is alot to chew in once sitting....but classic...

I would bet the bank that his first time crossdressing wasnt in his 30's...it is when he told YOU, or let it be known he had an intrest in it. Sounds pretty normal to me so far........"he likes the feel of the clothes, he enjoys feeling "pretty/hot" and it doesn't mean anything more than that. He told me he has always had a special admiration for women (more so than other men). He assured me that he's very comfortable in his skin, and has no desire to become a woman, nor is he at all attracted to other men."......yup.....normal.......
To me with the breast form thing it just seems he needs to take it to the next level...he wants to feel MORE like a girl and what better item that breast forms right?? Are you jealous of these forms ?? What if they were football shoulder pads?? Would THAT be a big deal?? And does it mean he is going to ALWAYS want to take it to the NEXT level and one day be a full time woman ? Not likely...it HAS happened..but that is a very small %. Most are content once they get the crossdresser "starter kit"

For information on why crossdressers find this so enjoyable...I would say have a look around and see..there is plenty of info here on the reasons why we all love to dress, and everyones answer is different, yet ..the same. (We like the clothes)...and thats JUST it..its clothes...its not you..its not you NOT (doin it) for him...he is not gay...he dosent want to be a girl full time....he just likes womens clothes.....this however is impossible for women to understand..sure there could be other elements to it...but by what you have told...it sounds pretty normal...I will send you my bill in the mail....

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Ava, he sounds a lot like my H in that it's a fun, sexual thing. And yep, I have asked and still ask many of these questions you wrote. Fact is, it's a bit of a mystery why this happens and why it's so enjoyable - there are literally endless reasons. In my Hs case, he's pretty sure it began the way of many sexual proclivities when as a young child he was innocently dressed in his sisters clothing by his mother (his were dirty I believe) and the mortification of the experience left such an impression he recalls not being able to think about anything else until he tried it again. The next time, he liked it. The rest is history.

So, without overthinking it too much as that doesn't really help I agree, maybe just query your H where he thinks it all started and where he sees it heading. If nothing else, you'll feel less in the dark about it all. And the sexual identity issue is definitely a struggle to understand and I still ask my H how he can feel authentic as a man when he clearly prefers a female fantasy during sex. How can he not be gay when he dresses the way he does?! (He's not, for the record) I think the big difference between us and them is they can have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize things. My H can literally dress, quench the urges so to speak, and then get on with life as his usual guy self until next time. Whereas I know I don't so easily put things aside. I see the whole package at all times and this can affect how you see them if you don't communicate. For me, I eventually had to choose not to see my H dressed as the few times I did, I almost completely lost my attraction to him. So it's a balancing act, for sure.

Anyway, the main key to all this is for you to not feel you're involving yourself in anything that makes you uncomfortable, and how much control your partner has over his dressing. The difficulties arise when the crossdresser pushes and pushes, never considering how his partner feels. But given you've said he considers it fun and not the be all and end all to his existence, you've got a good chance of things working out, as long as you know your limits and communicate them. :)

[Lori Kurtz]

I can't explain your bf to you. None of us can, because we're all individuals. But I can tell you what is possible--and I can do that because I know myself. I was a closet dresser from early childhood, and kept it 100% secret. I'm not gay. Maybe potentially bisexual, I'm not sure, but I never pursued same-sex relations. I consider myself monogamous, which means that if I'm married to someone, that one person is my lover. I love women, I love the look and feel of a woman's body, and I love making love with a woman. I can't explain the why of my crossdressing; all I can do is explain how it works for me. It's a huge turnon, a sexual experience in itself, even if the only person involved is me. I would become a blatantly sexual and hot-looking woman and, in front of the mirror, have her act the way I would want that kind of woman to behave toward me. It's in my imagination, and it's fantasy. I was married for years to a woman who had no clue about this part of me, and when she happened to find out, she couldn't handle the sense of betrayal that my secrecy caused, and she couldn't handle what she considered the perversity of this fetishistic aspect of my sexuality. Marriage over. After I got over that painful breakup, and considered how to proceed toward a relationship with another woman, I decided that it would be too difficult to find a woman who would be comfortable with my crossdressing (and especially the sexual aspect of it, which for me was essential), and that it would also be foolish to try to have another relationship in which I would continue my secret fun-times, so I decided to try to go without crossdressing. I know that wouldn't work for all of the "girls" here, but it did for me, and my second marriage was a happy one until she passed away. At this point in my life (I'm pushing 70), I can't become the sexy, tarty babe that I always loved being, so I still don't dress up, even though I could easily do so now. The idea is still exciting to me, and I still have fantasies and memories of my hot, autoerotic times. I enjoy coming here and reading other people's experiences and offering a helpful and encouraging word when I can; and just being here helps me feel less "weird" as I look back over my own life. I suspect that your bf has some things in common with me. I say that not to encourage you to think that my experience explains his; I say it only to encourage you to discuss more about this with your bf. For what it's worth, though, I'd bet a bundle of money that he's not any more gay than I am, and that he fully believes the things he has told you are true. I'm delighted for you both, to hear how openly you have been able to discuss the issue. And I confess that I find it exciting to hear that you have, in some ways, entered into the crossdressing part of your bf's sex life. If I had found a woman with whom I could have shared that kind of fun, I would have thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Not that I would have wanted to have all of my sexual experiences with her be with me in that female identity, just that it would have been a fun addition to the other sexual things we might do together. And "together" is the magic word there--if I've learned nothing else, I've learned that sex with my partner is better than sex that excludes my partner. I have a lot of hope for you and your bf. Don't rush into anything that you're not comfortable with, keep those lines of communication open, continue loving each other, and continue having fun together. I wish there had been someone like you for me 45 years ago.

[Paula_Femme]

...I just want to become more educated on the subject so I can understand him better. I am hoping that this can just become me learning and experiencing one more interesting thing about the person I love.

Hi Ava

Welcome to the forum :bighug: and don't worry, your feelings and worries are absolutely natural and to be expected, but your attitude and outlook, summed-up by your last line, is exceptional; I hope your boyfriend understands how VERY lucky he is!

It sounds as if your boyfriends 'dressing is being primarily driven by the sexual turn-on it gives him, which is similar to how I started. I'm in my mid 50's and started 'dressing in my early 20's with a girlfriend while we were experimenting with BDSM; she dressed me up in her panties and stockings - she couldn't get her bra or shoes on me! LOL! - while I was doing some chores around the house, and created a monster, as we both got a huge kick out of it.

30yrs later I'm still 'dressing, still boringly straight, still happy to be a guy... albeit one who also enjoys dressing in clothes that society currently says can ONLY be worn by the fairer sex! :battingeyelashes:

So, why do I/We do it? Well that's the $64 Zillion question, kind of like, "The Meaning of Life;" ask 1000 CD-ers why they do it and you'll get, likely as not, 1000 different answers.

But if it's any comfort, my personal progression down the years is quite common. As I said, in the beginning my 'dressing was driven purely by my sexual urges, but as time went on my reasons for 'dressing slowly changed, I would find myself feeling happy, peaceful, comfortable, or at ease when I 'dressed... VERY different from those early years! :heehee:

Crossdressing is considered to be the mildest end of the Trans spectrum, which goes from the majority of us here who dress for myriad reasons, to those who eventually Transition to living full time as Women, with or without Sexual Reassignment Surgery; a VERY small minority of crossdressers eventually Transition, and the VAST majority of us, something like 70-75%, are straight, with some being Gay and some Bi… it's fair to say we’re a pretty eclectic bunch!!!

At the moment I would tend to take your boyfriend at his word, it's a turn-on and it makes him feel good, he's straight, and doesn't want to "be" a Women. But the best way to handle this is to keep communicating, openly and honestly, tell him how you feel, especially things that you're not comfortable with, after all, you're in a relationship and it takes two, working together, to make it work. Hopefully he'll begin to open up about his own feelings, or examine them more closely, and come to understand himself that much better, which will, hopefully, improve your overall relationship.

Good luck to you both!
Paula

P.S. Do keep posting! Once you have 10 posts under your belt, you then have unlimited access to all parts of the forum, including the FAB (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?13-F-A-B-Forum-(Female-at-Birth-Application-Only-Group)) (Female at Birth) forum which will allow you to chat with other wives/girlfriends/SO's in absolute privacy.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi. Welcome to the forum.

Your story is a familiar one around here. Your response to it is exceptional!

I can't speak for your bf, so these thoughts are only my perspective.
- He probably was dressing from earlier than he told you.
- Dressing up in other clothes does not relate to who one wants to have sex with. I have zero interest in men sexually.
- I create cleavage because I can. For me it is to help create a better overall illusion and does not mean that I am interested in transitioning.
- My wife and I have sex regardless of how we are dressed. Regardless of what either of us wears, we are both the same people underneath it all as if we had nothing on. We have both agreed that we have no problems with each others choices in clothing but we draw the line at permanent body modifications.
- Again, your response to this is impressive.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I agree with the others. it's not his first time. Although there are some late bloomers here, I suspect most started at 5 to 6 or 10 to 12.

As for bras, I've stuffed them with jut about everything. First it was socks (I've heard stories of teenage girls doing that also), then rolled up panties (because they were softer than socks), then foam rubber (a bunch of shoulder pads intercepted from the trash), and now forms. All were meant to give me a girlish look

[Karolyn]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't have a girlfriend right now, but I can at least say that everything your boyfriend said is genuine (except that he probably started very young, like most of us). I feel the exact same way as him, and I think you should not be scared of the outcome of your relationship. I would cherish my girlfriend a lot, crossdressing is just a part of my personality and not something that would affect a relationship directly.

I think about crossdressing since I am 12-13, started crossdressing when 25, and I'm 33 now. I am straight (absolutely no interest in men), so I am not bi. Crossdressing is not for sexual reasons at all (tiny bit at the beginning, not anymore). For the comfort of the clothes, "feeling good" in them, it is often true. Men's clothes are pretty boring (my opinion), they all look the same, with boring colors and shapes. Women's clothes have often very nice materials, very soft and comfortable most of the time, and extremely various. For feeling pretty, I understand too. I used to not care much actually, until I tried makeup and full clothing. And seeing myself in the mirror makes me smile a lot. Feeling "pretty" is not something a man normally can do. That feeling is actually very nice. Crossdressing is also very relaxing, after stressful moments (particularly at work), nothing better than comfortable clothes to end the day.

I would not worry about that. Enjoy your relationship at its best, understand each other as much as you can, that is the best way to enjoy it. Communication is key. Believe me, if you are helping him (makeup, shopping, etc), he will be eternally thankful and will love you even more. If you have any more worries, don't hesitate to talk here, there are a lot of understanding people, and plenty of different life experiences.

[IMkrystal]

Avagardner

I congratulate you for posting in this section of the forum. Many women feel threaten to post in this section. But thanks to the moderators and members you thread has received useful responses. I welcome all, to use this as an example that it is not, "them verse us", but a section that allows both parties to express their feelings "publicly" showing non-members there are two sides to this topic. Thank-you for joining!!!

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

...But I wanted to know, either from other cross dressed or significant others of said cross dressers... What is it that makes this feel so good for them?Forget about crossdressing for a sec... What makes anything, good for anyone? Is there nothing in your life that you like to do, just because it makes you happy, or feel good? And for no other reason? If there is, why is it so enjoyable? I know this is an overly simplified way of trying to explain it, but it's pretty much how I see it. My dressing is just another activity that I spend time doing because I enjoy it.

I have been doing this for years and years, and it's still just as enjoyable for me as it's always been. Can I tell you why it's so enjoyable? Actually, no I can't. I don't know why. What I can tell you, is that I really enjoy it. My mind and body tell me so... There's a part of my brain (maybe some weird crossing of wires somewhere) that is hardwired to get a positive response from crossdressing. And that 'configuration' is something that I was born with. Even before the first time I ever even thought of touching, or putting on any female item, something inside me egged me on. Something inside my brain triggered enough curiosity to do it, because it felt that it would be enjoyable....Guess what? That part of my brain was CORRECT.:D


And the sexual identity issue is definitely a struggle to understand and I still ask my H how he can feel authentic as a man when he clearly prefers a female fantasy during sex. How can he not be gay when he dresses the way he does?!​Authentic? LOL! He was born with functional male genitalia... how much more 'authenticity' do you want? Also, since when does the type of clothing you wear, and how you present yourself have anything to do with sexual preference? An incorrect assumption that because a guy likes to wear dresses, he MUST be gay. That's a very stereotypical (and prejudicial) reaction. One that (I think) is based on the belief that he's doing it because he wants to become a woman and attract guys... therefore making him gay (and when applying this logic, it almost makes sense). That's the easiest conclusion to come to because that's the only thing some people can get their brains around. So they just say "I don't get it...must be gay".

I don't do this for anyone else but myself. I don't dress to attract guys. Guys are not looking for other guys in dresses (well okay, some are) but I'm not looking for guys. I am attracted to women, and the female image. Does this not also mean that I find some attraction in looking at well made up crossdressers? Yes, I do. But the attraction is more of admiration, and empathy. Not sexual.

Imagine, if we lived in a world where anyone had the option of wearing anything they wanted, and presented themselves how ever they chose. And this would be considered normal. Now consider that, if this was normal, we would obviously not be using someones appearance as a gauge of their sexual preference, because it would be highly inaccurate. If it makes sense to look at it that way, then you should also be able to accept that clothing is just that...clothing. A persons sexual preference comes from within, and it is un-changeable. And not at all dictated by what they wear.

[justmetoo]

Tracy and several others hit the nail on the head. I enjoy it, but I'm not sure why. I am only attracted to women. I'm not gay or bi (not that there's anything wrong with that). I have no desire to transition. No matter how I'm dressed I'm still me. Sometimes it just feels good to dress and sometimes it feels good to read a good book or work on some creative project (or do some of each). Best wishes!

[Jenniferathome]

...

Your story is a familiar one around here. Your response to it is exceptional!

I can't speak for your bf, so these thoughts are only my perspective.
- He probably was dressing from earlier than he told you.
- Dressing up in other clothes does not relate to who one wants to have sex with. I have zero interest in men sexually.
- I create cleavage because I can. For me it is to help create a better overall illusion and does not mean that I am interested in transitioning.
...
What Nadine wrote is dead nuts on. Simple facts. Now, that doesn't make cross dressing any easier to understand. It's weird. We cross dressers don't know why we do it, you'll never know and that's ok. Keep talking, ask every question, nothing is off limits. Most importantly, as Think suggested, you don't have to be involved. In or out, that decision should be based only on your feelings, not his.

Good luck but I think you'll be fine. Your asking questions, that's a good thing.

[Rachelakld]

Agreeing with Nadine as well.
I'm happily married, do the normal husband / father things
Also go out for a bit of Girl time at weekends
Sexually, I could have easily been a lesbian, but this way it's like "lesbian with benefits"

Spritually, I've been described as a split soul, 1/2 male & 1/2 female.
I can build houses, repair cars, sew, knit and cook, can be hard as nails or gentle and understanding all with equal ease

[raleighbelle]

I agree with most everything that has been said above, so I won't go repeat everything. I do really want to commend your open attitude, and that will make a huge difference. I sure wish there were a lot more like you.

One thing I will add though, that I think applies to many if not most cross-dressers, is that there is a very strong urge we have to cross-cross dress, and the more we repress it, the stronger that urge or need becomes. However, I have found that when I am with someone who really accepts it, and I can be open and honest about it, I don't have nearly as much 'need' to do it (I still enjoy it a lot though). Being accepting with your husband I think will allow him to not have to be secretive and hide things and end up doing some potentially embarrassing things. That 'need' can be expressed together and he can be open with you and not have to hide things.

Don't feel bad that you don't understand the whole thing. I don't think ANY of us do either!

[docrobbysherry]

Hi, Ava. Welcome to the home of the brave but definitely not free, men.

We trans r individuals. And, all have differences in how and why we dress. Many of us started out being turned on by the female feel and our appearance in the mirror. And, some still get an excited, erotic thrill from it after many years of dressing.

U didn't mention whether or not your BF dresses when your not around or if he did before u got together? This dressing thing can become a sexual addiction. It has for me. Altho, as others have stated, there r times now when I'm dressed that sex never enters my mind.

When I began dressing about 17 years ago out of left field, I assumed I was gay, too. Because I suddenly had fantasies of being with guys. However, it soon became clear that that was just part of my fantasy of becoming a female. I'm so unattracted by males that if I see ANYTHING that looks male in my mirror, I won't get aroused.

[Annaliese]

I can only say for my self, it is a progressive with me, trying to find my self, what I have found is this is who I am, it part of me and it does not go away. I can not stop, it would be like cutting part of me away. I don't think he know him self, in my early 30's I had no clue, and I don't think he does either. Almost got if figure out in my 60's, I do know that this is part of us, it not a chose. It is your chose to step away, and let it do his thing. You should not be put in a place you are not comfortable with, it is ok to say no, I do not want to see than or do that, it does not mean you do not love him. I not your thing. Set reasonable limits not around you or the kids, if that is what you want, when he want to go out be reasonable with that also, he will. It is progressive.
Do not make him to promises to quite, you are setting him up to lie to you, he can't quit.

[JenniferR771]

Thanks for you thoughtful questions, Ava.
Think back to Halloween. Did your friends, or you, ever get an idea and dress your brother, boyfriend or husband up as a woman for Halloween? If not --you should. Its amazing; some men can be so pretty. The next day after a shower, a good scratch, and bit of passed gas--he is back to normal. Probably ready to chase you around the bedroom just as before.

No one knows why we enjoy women's clothes; but we do. In my case, it was sexually stimulating. Now at my age I need a lot more stimulation

[jasminetv2]

Ditto both Tinkerbell and Nadine for their views from both sides of the coin