interesting moment last night

[ashleymcculloch90]

My wife (who dose not approve of my private life as stated before)was going on and on about some shoes she had gotten early in the day. How wonderful they were and how comfortable they feel. I said "well if they are that grate then I'm Going to have to get myself a pair, do they have them in 11's?" She said "yeah in women's". I responded with "that's why I said 11's not 9.5." I was met with her look of "stop talking." I looked her in the eyes and said "I'm not kidding I'm going to pick some up tomorrow." She gave a sigh and shrugged it off and we continued our night which continued to be positive.

The lesson I think I'm taking away from this is I kind of just need to be open and fight (and win) small battles here and there.

[kimdl93]

You're part way to the right answer. It was good that you acknowledged your intent and it was good that she responded without anger. This need not be a contest of wills as all too often, marital disagreements can become. Imagine a different conversation, where you talk about why dressing is important to you, and ask her to explain how it makes her feel. It's a hard conversation to have, but so important if you two are ever to get past this stage.

[AllieSF]

Ashley you make a very good point and what you have just realized and so clearly stated is something that I think is needed for a lot of out members here. We constantly read about DADT and other situations where the CD cannot, or is it will not?, do certain things because the SO said no or otherwise indicated her negative opinion. I understand the situation that many are in trying to get their SO to accept or at least tolerate this side of themselves. They are fearful to stand up to the negativity for fear of an even great negativity. This is a very valid reason for some things, but not for all. I believe that in many situations the CD/TG needs to stand a little taller and rather than ask, state what they want to do and be willing to discuss it with their SO. We don't always need approval for everything. By asking for permission, one then turns all the power over to the other party. Yes, some things require mutual agreement, but not all. Each needs to determine where that elusive line is. By giving in too soon we lose our equality in the relationship process, which can lead to other issues non-CD related in the future.

By stating that I want to do this or that, the other party is then presented with the option of accepting it, rejecting it or asking for a compromise. In other words, the hot potato is passed to the other person and they need to respond. In responding they have just put themselves in the position to also discuss their own reasons for why they may not accept or like what the other has stated. That is the perfect moment in a DADT situation to open a dialog about it. I personally do not think that I could ever live in a DADT situation on any topic. I need to talk about whatever the issue is to understand the reasons for my partners or friend's position up to the point where I could accept or tolerate it.

Maybe one way to look at it would be how do we handle male mode related situations, like spending on personal hobbies, going out for a guys get together, or whatever where the SO may not be totally on board with our desire to do that something. If that desire for that specific activity is strong enough we will argue/discuss our point of view and then compromise if needed. Why not follow a similar approach for our CDing activities too?

[Brynna M]

You understanding your relationship that I do but I'll just say that thinking of it as "forthrightly stating you intent" and your wife "accepting but not pleased" is a better mindset than "fighting" and "winning." Its semantics and doesn't change the facts, but the semantics of the stories we tell ourselves have a lot of power over how we feel about things.

[Beverley Sims]

It is really not that smart to keep confrontation at a high level.
Make it look like a compromise and learn how to let her think you are losing the battle occasionally.

[docrobbysherry]

If u r able to have discussions regarding your dressing, Ash? I strongly suggest u choose your words more carefully while u still can. DADT is no fun!:sad:

In your position? I think I mite have said something like, "Honey, u make those shoes sound wonderful. Maybe u understand how I feel at this moment? I would love a pair that looks that good and r comfy, too. Would u be upset if I got a pair like them?" That would be more likely to continue meaningful dialog rather than slam the door.

And, as u said: the more u 2 discuss it? The more comfortable she may get with it!

[ashleymcculloch90]

I don't think I understand, my wife and I did not have a conversation about the shoes? It was all positive. We are both matter a fact about things. On another level when I said fighting and winning I was not talking literally. I simply ment that I don't think I can live a life of DADT or of keeping my true full self hidden anymore and that I'm going to find tactful ways to bring "Ashley" to the world. I'm sorry if I offended anyone :( I would never mistreat my wife.

[Marcelle]

Hi Ashley,

I don't think you offended anyone so no need to apologize. I think people just read specific "words" and "phrases" and took that to mean you were more combative than collaborative. None of us are "relationship experts" beyond our own that is. I think what everyone wanted to impress upon you is that compromise and mutual accord is the best way forward. In essence you have done that but within the confines of your own relationship. Specifically, this is how you and your wife roll when it comes to discussing things and it works. If it works, it works that is all that counts.

So did you get the shoes?

Hugs

Isha

[ashleymcculloch90]

Absolutely! I got them last night. Just athletic women's shoes but still something I can wear all the time.

[Sharon B.]

I can understand about DADT but could at least shoe us the shoes or tell us what brand and where you brought it?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ashley, Be careful that you don't win the battle and then lose the war.

[Katey888]

It's a toughie, Ashley... Big part of the issue with DADT I think... :thinking:

If one was an enthusiastic golfer (thanks Steffi..), that your SO did not want to participate in, it shouldn't prevent you mentioning anything about what you buy, wear, where you play, etc. DADT is really about actively burying a part of you that is already known to your SO (maybe a better definition would be: Don't Ask, Deny the Truth... ) - that really is about maintaining a collaborative deception between two people who are supposed to be sharing... I'm not moralising (goodness knows I'm in no position to do that!) - just saying that must add a lot of stress to a relationship as every little possibly 'feminine' thing that comes up might be accompanied by a screaming klaxon because it's a DADT subject... That must make things really hard... Harder than some other ways...

I can only offer sympathy but echo what has been said before: if you fight a lot of small battles and start winning some, expect some guerrilla warfare in return... You then have to think harder about how you feel about that long term...

Good luck!

Katey x

[jjjjohanne]

My wife has been very uncomfortable with my dressing. Therefore I did it in secret. I started telling her that I don't like keeping secrets from her. One time, I had an outing and she knew I did, or perhaps only suspected. She asked what I wore. I told her a skirt. She flipped out for a day. She had no idea that I was going out in public in a skirt. After that, the idea that I don't want to keep secrets from her had more value. Slowly, I have been catching her up on what crossdressing I have done since we were married (and before). I have not caught up with her to the present. It has been healthy. It is bringing her to the modern truth in a slow deliberate way. When I have a significant outing, she knows and I tell her what I did and what I wore, etc. It is still uncomfortable for her, but she has accepted it in a better way. DADT is almost dead for us, I suppose, but it is still awkward. My wife would rather know the truth than live in the fantasy that I am macho 100% of the time. Recently, I told her a story for which I had a picture to go with it. I showed her the picture. It was tough for her, I think. After I showed it to her, she adjusted to it. Later, I told her another story that included a picture. It was easier for both of us to experience me showing it to her. It is becoming easier... But she had to become willing to hear the stories and see the pictures. Stressing that I did not want to keep secrets from her helped us get to this point.

[ashleymcculloch90]

I can understand about DADT but could at least shoe us the shoes or tell us what brand and where you brought it?

I could tell you, but what would be your reason for looking at my weekly photo update then ;)


Hi Ashley, Be careful that you don't win the battle and then lose the war.

I don't really see a loss to a war in sight. Because the war is not about dressing or shoes. Its about being accepted, accepted by my wife, accepted by my friends and family, accepted by everyone for being me. I mean we all dress but that's not the point. We need forums such as this site to vent and support each other because what we do is not "normal" and to some degree looked down upon. I want to be comfortable all the time and if I was fighting a war that would be the goal. 24 years of hiding is enough for me. :)

[Jaylyn]

Be very careful about making anything a contest around the wife unless you want to also be able to take the defeats as well. Sometimes the male mood of winning is dangerous to us CDs. I try and check it and stop it after I put on my lipstick. I'm still me but try not to be anything but no confrontational especially with the wife. Just my advice after turning 65.

[Jackie7]

I don't mean this to come out of left field or from any place that is not sympathetic, but would it have been possible for you to invite your wife along on the shoe expedition, for her fashion advice? The shoes are comfy and look good on her, but it is really difficult to know what would look good on us when the dainty little shoe becomes an 11-1/2 canoe. Who needs to spend $100 of family money on shoes that don't look good? If your wife was to accept your invitation (request for help), it would be a great opportunity to coax her into buying another and maybe prettier pair for herself. You could win big.

[ashleymcculloch90]

Jackie- I had not thought of that, something for me to keep in mind for next time. 😊

[Maria 60]

I agree we have to stand our grounds, but for myself I don't always want to be at war with my wife, so I pick the war that is worth fighting for. I to in the early stages was much aggressive and I believe if I didn't Maria would have been swept under the carpet at times.

[ashleymcculloch90]

I feel like this is no longer a thread about my wife letting me get new shoes, but rather a discussion about if we should conform to our wives(and others) or make a stand and "fight" for our right to be our own person. I bring this up because I feel it deserves its own thread and if no one has an issue with it I will make that happen in about an hour. That way it can have a proper title and a real question instead of being and advice forum.