Advice to young cross dressers

[CONSUELO]

Having read so many posts about the difficulties many members of this site have with revealing their cross dressing to SO's and family and how disastrous it can be when the truth comes out, I have been thinking of what sort of advice would have helped me when I was still young. I am not a trained counsellor, so I don't feel comfortable just giving out advice but this is some of what I wish I knew when I was still a teenager.
1. You will want to cross dress all through your life. It may wax and wane but it will never go away completely, however there will be times when you think it has gone completely, don't be fooled by this feeling.
2. The desire to cross dress will evolve through your life. Right now you may think it only involves dressing in lingerie and not wanting to dress completely and go out looking as much as possible like a woman. That will change as you age and it will change at unexpected times and in unexpected ways.
3. Don't even think of getting married or entering a stable relationship without telling the other person of your desires. Being in love with someone may make you think that love will overcome the desire to cross dress. It won't! It might seem like the end of the world when the person decides that he/she cannot deal with a partner who is a cross dresser but this is nothing to what you will both have to go through if your cross dressing is revealed when you are both well into the relationship or married.
4. Read everything you can find on cross dressing and all related fetishes. Knowledge is power and the more you know the better you can deal with life as a cross dresser.
5. Find a support group or a counsellor who is properly trained. You don't have to be alone on this journey.
6. Finally celebrate yourself. You are not a freak or a bad person. Being a cross dresser is only a part of you. You don't have to hide yourself away or feel as if you are a second class citizen. You are not.

You may think that you are the exception and you can be a cross dresser and hide it successfully from SO's and family, but you are wrong.

This is a pretty short list and I have almost certainly left out something important. So fellow cross dressers and members, what would you add?

[franlee]

This is pretty solid advise! You can add to or take away a bit here and there to tailor fit your personal needs but it all works. I want to add for the sake of the new comers one thing that isn't about your rational or emotional well being but your financial. Never purge! Going through and disposing of things that don't fit or are worn out just as you would your everyday attire is fine but never fool yourself into disposing of all your Fem clothes. It will not only hurt your wallet but the need and desire will come back at the most inopportune time and that will sting bad. Other wise use all the advise to your favor and enjoy it, make it work for you not against you.

[Maria 60]

WOW! I think you really wrapped it up there. Good job, I think you just explained the last forty years of my life. The only advice I could add is the advice my wife told me when I told her about my dressing. She told me not to bust my brain trying to figure it out, and just enjoy the time given to me. I think we could add that to the list. Just enjoy it and don't look into it to much.

[DonnaP]

I must I seem to agree with a lot Consuelo has to say. I am older but do agree when I was young I kind of gave on cross dressing cause I was ashamed . Now after being married and still in the closet I think I should have made other choices even though I really love my wife kids and grand kids.

[ophelia]

My advice to young crossdressers is to get some real perspective. I personally believe that there is not such a stark MALE//Female divide, but rather a sort of continuum. Meaning that we are all somewhere on the zip line between male and female. Explore, research, and be brutally honest and kind on yourself and determine where you are. Then decide which direction, and what speed you want to zip. Another thing is to rid yourself of the "box" of fashion. Fashion is a societal construct. Look back three centuries and you find men amply wearing: wigs, silks, lace, embroidery, perfume stockings, corsets, makeup, high heels (well platforms to be sure)galore. Society has decided that in this century and decade, and year and month that low cut blouses with lace and an empire waist verboten for men. Such a pile of crap!
Your attraction to corporal embellishment is conpletely normal and rooted in your DNA.
Finally, you live in an emerging age where crossdressing is become more and more accepted. Not as many people see our passion as perverted or homosexual etc. That said, worry not when you seek out professional advice wrt your look, your clothes, your shapewear....people want to help you out! They get commission and they want your long-term business.
Case in point, last week I got my hair done in a classic marilyn monroe style. The stylist changed my part from left eye side to right. When I challenged, she said " that's your man part, this is now your female part" Totally amazing! So now a part over my right eye gives me this amazing femme feeling and I can change back any time I want.
And my final bit of advice is money related. How many of we sisters can relate to blowing huge sums of hard-earned cash on stupid, ill-fitting, tacky female garb which is ultimately gar-bage? Do some research, get some pros to help and put your cash into the very best that you can afford. It's not a bargain if you can't ever use/wear it.
I don't use the great wigs I have, but I would never, ever buy a wig, or foundation garment over the web. I try everything on. and make a smart choice with my cash. When I walk into the mall or gallery, I hold my head high knowing how well I've put Ophelia together. That gives me confidence, and a great veil of confidence beats the shit out of any Venus II or II or Venus IXII you can buy!

[Amy Lynn3]

Great advise to crossdressers. Wonderful thread.

[Isabella Ross]

Well done, Consuelo.

[Mink]

my piece of advice would be along the lines of do NOT get so obsessed and addicted to buying clothes / lingerie / undies that it becomes too much... not just money-wise but AMOUNT-wise!

if you are single and looking to mingle it will make it look VERY weird to have so much stuff... it has made me very nervous about dating anyone! or friends / family seeing just how much I have or how much I have spent... to say nothing of the hassle of storing it all or moving to a new place

oh man


also that thing of don't get married or in a serious relationship without telling seems to ring true with me too but... BUT!

if you spend all your life alone or afraid to get in a relationship or be intimate with a girl because of this growing fear that you are too into your fetish or lifestyle or THING or how it affects what turns you on or sexuality or practices in the bedroom... I don't know... I've def. got issues and crossdressing has held me back...

in trying to figure out what I want or what I like or would want out of a relationshippi or intimate relations... I've really limited myself and turned down some good opportunities or kept myself from finding or being aware of others!

bah!

[Nadya]

I still consider myself new to crossdressing but all the advice here I've had personal experience with. Great list! Thanks for sharing.

[nvlady]

Learn to accept yourself. Some of us believe we were born this way, and some think it came from triggers in childhood, but it is here and it will never be gone.
The number one thing for you to learn, and excuse me for shouting, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

[sarahcsc]

Well said, Consuelo! :)

I have some comments to add, but please don't take this too personally...

I believe a lot of juvenile crossdressers are in denial so these advise may help to a certain extent but only if they have come to accept that they are crossdressers for life. I was certainly in denial.

Advise no. 1, "You will want to cross dress all through you life", was probably what I would NOT want to hear as a teenager because I was scared to death.

Advise no. 2, I would leave it at "The desire to cross dress will evolve through your life" but leave out the rest because I was still very convinced that I will be able to beat it.

Advise no. 3, sounds great, and most teenagers would understand a thing or two about marriage, although talking about this usually makes they shy away.

Advise no. 4, "read everything you can on cross dressing and all related fetishes", again, only if my teenage self would have admitted that I was a crossdresser, I knew I would never admit I had a fetish... Also, I hated reading. Lol

Advise no. 5, "You don't have to be alone on this journey", was something I thought was desperately what I wanted to hear, because being alone was certainly scary, yet it provided me with some security knowing that my secret was safe. So I have mixed feelings about this advise. I would just say "You are not alone."

Advise no. 6, this is the best advise. :) I have nothing to add or take away.

I have thought about this before, about the kind of advise I thought I'd give myself if I could go back in time. But the truth is, why give advise if I'm happy with who I am today? Yes, it was miserable, but the same misery also forced me to grow. I eventually came to the conclusion that it was best not to offer any advise, and let my juvenile self figure things out on his own while making mistakes along the way.

I guess, if I had one advise to give, it would be.

Advise no.7, "Listen, me. In 10 years time, you will be offered a two-way ticket to New Zealand and back. Don't take it. Ask for a one-way ticket instead and leave this god forsaken place behind to be free."

Oh wait, I already done that. :)

Love,
Sarah

[Lynn Marie]

Lots of good stuff here. I'd like to add that it is very important to get out and make friends, CD and otherwise. We not only validate one another, but it's just so nice to have friends and loved ones you can share your heart with. I don't mind being alone, just not all the time. I need people too. That balance in my life makes me feel whole and healthy.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Consuelo, That is a great list, I've been in this program for 68 years now and it's never gone away.
Another thing you hear about some ladies purging don't do that because you will just have to buy everything again
just put it away or in storage.

Crossdresing is like the Mafia, You just can't quit !

[CONSUELO]

Sarah raises a very important point and one that I have thought about frequently. Trying to imagine myself as a 20 year old, would I have taken this advice seriously?

I do remember a conversation with a cross dresser in my late twenties who told me that I was definitely a cross dresser too. I denied it arguing that I was just a fetishist and that my "fetish' was under control. I was so wrong. But of course that is a common reaction of the young to advice from older people who have seen more of life than they.

For me this touches on the "addiction" aspect of cross dressing. Many addictions that I have read about seem to become fully formed very quickly whereas cross dressing, for which the term addiction may be completely inappropriate, does seem to evolve and change over one's life.

[Teresa]

Consuelo,
The problem I had as a twenty year old was having a GF who I bought and shared nighties with she had no objections because it gave her what she wanted in abundance !! I had very little guilt and shame when I met and married my wife because I thought all women would accept it !

Most of your advice makes sense but being honest about a problem and digging for more information would have no relevance at that time ! I was a young fit virile male who found crossdressing gave an edge with women !

So perhaps one piece of advice would be try and find the right partner ! I obviously fell into that trap unknowingly ! Forty years of marriage my wife and I have finally come to that conclusion !

[Katey888]

Really good points, Consuelo... :clap:

The difficulty for any young folk will sometimes be similar to ours - although the environment may be more accepting, it's still a tough thing to be open about, and young lads, on the whole, do really want to fit in with being lads rather than 'ladettes'... even though it may not be what their inner voice is telling them.

I can't add much to such good advice - I would suggest that finding a local support group and supporting any transgender rights and education initiatives would be a positive and progressive thing to do. I haven't done yet, but I know I must sometime... :)

Katey x

[Sally24]

Good basic advice but resist labeling this as a fetish. For many of us it is who we are, not what we do. My addition to the young CDs would be to take care of you skin (sunscreen and lotions) and watch your weight.

[Beverley Sims]

My advice,
Stay cool be careful, and remember be honest with yourself and any relationship you may engage in.
Good luck. :)

[KarenNY]

Excellent advice, especially No. 3 -- being honest and up front about it with any potential partner, and No. 6 -- being ok and comfortable with yourself and the fact that crossdressing is only a part of who you are, it doesn't define you. Even with my own position, growing up with a large degree of acceptance, there were times I let it consume me. Balance is the key. I would be careful, too, about referring to fetishes -- many of us do not see it as a fetish, or at least "fetish" has a negative connotation. I agree that your crossdressing will evolve -- sometimes by necessity as you go through life changes in general, as you mature and grow as a person. And yeah, it's difficult being open as a young person, even in this age of greater acceptance, because everyone wants to fit in with their peers to some degree. I had great acceptance and latitude to dress en femme at home growing up, but I still wanted to be one of the guys with my peer group. Finding an accepting group is a good idea, as I discovered as well, but always be careful.

[Ressie]

Yes, this is what you would have liked to have been advised when you were younger, but I wouldn't hand out this list to every young CD. These bits of advice are spoken in absolutes which doesn't sit well with me. For example, not everyone who has tried on a garment will want to CD the rest of their lives. CDing doesn't always evolve. Why not let kids make their own discoveries? After all, we're all different.

It sounds like you're fortelling young CDs their future. Rewrite without dictating i.e. "There's a good chance you will want to cross dress all through your life."

[Jaylyn]

Consuelo I think you've hit on the main things and I have felt that your list were some of the things I wished I had known as a teenager. Ophelia has some great pints also. I believe though that we all have to make our own decisions on the CD part. Some want it differing levels. I being older have found that it takes me back in time to when I wanted to dress, but had to sneak moms things to dress in. I believe now that even though we are all alike in certain aspects of dressing many are at different levels and hard to know why we dress how we do. ( example I have gone thru a period of wanting total sexy attire to more comfortable clothes) all of which are still feminine. I think we all wished that genetics would explain what we do, so it would be easier for those in the out side world to accept us. Thus some want to be out but can't. Others can as they have excepted themselves and could care less what the others think. We all make up the CD world though and the most and critical thing is we should all back each other to our own comfortable levels. This is hard to do as we are all in differing circumstances and places on the CD ing scale. I do agree on a very important rule you stated above... knowledge is power. Learn as much about yourself as you can and treat others as you'd like to be treated.

[Jenniferathome]

I think the younger generation of cross dressers just don't need the advice we did. The internet is the great equalizer. Had I found this site when I was 13, at a minimum I would have known I was not alone.

The only real advice I would pass on is that shame is wasted time for anyone.

[angelfire]

Very good list. I have been on the forum a while, and I had always tried to learn from older members, and take the advice older members had to offer, and I think 1, 2, 3 & 6 are the most important pieces of advice i could re-iterate.

On #1, I purged once. Then when the desire came back, I realized that everyone one was right. If I try to deny it, it will be a never ending cycle of shame and guilt, so it was better to just accept it for what it is. I understood that if it came back now, even if I suppress it, it will eventually come back.

On #2, this is something I have only really recently begun to accept. I mean, it had evolved before but I just sort of rolled it. It was always a small step. Start with lingerie, then I wanted to fully dress, so I did that. At one point I figured I would never go out, but then when I did, I never wanted to go back in! Now things have become a little more complicated, and I am trying to predict how this will evolve or where this will lead next, and I realize I have no idea right now. But the only way to find out is to push myself until I am no longer comfortable, and then take a step back to where I will be happy.

On #3, I got this advice before as well. I had done a few relationships, but they didn't last very long, perhaps because I was afraid to tell them about this part of me. Then I decided "This is who I am, and I may as well just tell them early so neither of us get too invested emotionally if it isn't going to work." Well, that advice half worked, but things still got complicated. I am still glad I didn't wait longer than I did (a few dates in).

#4 I am not sure I necessarily agree with. For some, this isn't a fetish. For me it started that way and evolved (as per number 2), but I am sure for some there is not a sexual component, nor is it typically sexual for TS girls who end up transitioning. I personally found the fetish community and the knowledge about fetishes and sexuality very helpful, but perhaps your mileage may vary.

#5 I have only recently begun with. Been doing therapy for a few months and just joined a support group. Up until now, it was never necessary. I didn't know where it would lead, but I was single so I could just progress as I pleased. Now in a relationship, it is always compromise. That doesn't mean it is a bad thing, but it does mean I need to know what I can compromise on without sacrificing my own happiness, and how far I want to progress. I don't think all of us need therapy, but I think if we do, we should definitely not shy away from it out of fear of the taboo of seeing a therapist meaning you are somehow "damaged".

I feel #6 is incredibly important, but goes hand-in-hand with #1. We need to accept ourselves for who we are, and not be ashamed. If I weren't me, I would be somebody else. But why would I want to be someone I'm not? What acceptance means for everyone is different, but ultimately, it is about not feeling ashamed of yourself, or guilty. Whether that means you just want to dress around the house in lingerie, or you want to go full-time, it doesn't matter. But the sooner we accept it is a part of who we are, a part that we cannot change, the sooner we can be happy with ourselves.

[Savannah_Skye]

Great advice! I think I needed to hear number 6 today so thanks!

[CONSUELO]

I noticed that some of the replies to my post make a reference to my mentioning the word "fetish". I did not mean to imply that cross dressing is a fetish but for me and many others there is a fetish component to cross dressing. I certainly have several sexual fetishes that are linked to my cross dressing including a love of leather wear and bondage clothing and decoration. I have dressed this way when visiting a bondage club in London and met others who were of like mind. I also love slips from the 50.'s and 60's for their lovely lace decoration and beautiful feminine design but also I find that I love the shiny material and it is stimulating and exciting to look at.
Having read many posts on this site I have seen many descriptions that to me look like a fetish. So that is why I suggested that young cross dressers educate themselves not only about cross dressing but about many related aspects. I think it pays to really know oneself and that requires knowledge. For those who feel strongly that their cross dressing should not be described as a fetish I say OK.

[LelaK]

Don't Eat the Daisies.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Daisy

[sarahcsc]

Sarah raises a very important point and one that I have thought about frequently. Trying to imagine myself as a 20 year old, would I have taken this advice seriously?


That was what I suspected, that my 20 year old self would have never admitted to anything nor accepted any advice. Although I was scared, I was also proud and stubborn.

Just like a baby who explores the world and then returns to their mother/father when they're weary, I believe this is the same with crossdressing as well.

I needed the freedom to explore without the fear of retribution, and a place to return to when feeling weary. As far as I'm concerned, I was exploring myself clandestinely without a safe haven to return to amidst social pressure to conform which created a huge psychological conflict within.

Furthermore, it is not the advise that matters, it is whom the advise came from. I knew I would have never listened to advise coming from my parents no matter how much/little sense they made, so in essence, I am setting myself up for failure by simply being childish and stubborn.

In the end, I realised the best thing to do for my teenage self, was to simply be a supportive and understanding "friend", that is non-judgmental and do not offer unsolicited advice.

I believe my young self would have arrived at the same conclusion as I did today as long as he had the freedom to do so. And I believe most people would, except that they are too caught up with social duties.

I used to believe there was nothing different about me and that this was a passing fad, then I believed I had a fetish, then I believed I was a crossdresser, but now I'm leaning more towards being a TS.

Nothing stays the same if we had a chance to explore. :)

Love,
Sarah

[victoria76]

I wish I could have read that years ago! That's some great advice, very true indeed!

[Marcelle]

Hi Consuelo,

Great post. I posted this sentiment some time ago and I think it is apropos for this thread. It was intended to have a bit of fun building on Baz Luhrmann's "Everyone is free to wear sunscreen" with a CD theme.




If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

If you are just starting out enjoy the power and beauty of your youth and its ability to allow you the latitude to pass/blend or just enjoy being out. Oh never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded and you find yourself looking back at photos and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

Don’t worry about what people think but if you choose to worry, know that worrying is as effective as trying to hide five o'clock shadow without the benefit of a sharp razor, a good beard cover and foundation.

The real troubles in your journey are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind. The kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday when you realize your make-up is failing and you still have to take the bus home from downtown during rush hour.

Do one thing every day that makes you feel good.

Talk in a femme voice and if you still sound like a guy, who cares

Don’t be reckless with your SO's feelings or the feelings of family and friends. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Moisturize it is good for your skin

Don’t waste your time on jealousy of those who make prettier girls or those who get out. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive and forget the insults.

Keep your old dresses because you never know when the might come back in style.

Store .. . don't purge

You may discover yourself at 17 but then again some may not know until they are 47. The important thing is accepting yourself once you get there.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Especially if you plan to wear heels past 40.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, make the most of your life because it is the only one you have.

Enjoy your body, use your strengths to offset your weaknesses. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of your presentation, it is your body to do with as you please.

Dance…even if it is only in the privacy of your basement.

Read the directions on home laser hair removal machines to not do so would be bad.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Accept certain inalienable truths if you decide to go out for nobody truly passes. Some people will laugh others will point and some won't care. Own the moment and act like you belong or you will look out of place. Maintain a healthy sense of caution as it will go a long way in ensuring you can enjoy yourself

Don’t expect everyone to support you. Understand that friends come and go, but hold on to those who can truly accept who you are for they are a precious few.

Don’t get nostalgic for thinning hair that is what wigs are for.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…


Hugs

Isha

[vallerie lacy]

I have to agree with franlee. The first thing I thought of was purging. DON'T DO IT.

[leggspantyhose]

I agree.

["Gabriela"]

Many of the advice here might be more for the "noob" but grown-up CDers (like me!), 'cause it definitely takes to have an open mind about the changes that one goes through, and also self-acceptance takes time to get stronger.

I specially liked the points related to caring the physical part, 'cause it's important, not only for the surface, but it helps to grow in self-esteem.
So do as much exercise, WORKOUT, run, yoga, swimming... as you can. It'll also give you more years to enjoy the different stages of your life!
Sunscreen is a must! If you feel uncomfortable with it, then use a makeup foundation that has a high SPF (40 minimum!)

Thank you so much for all the great advice, girls. We're not freaks, and have the right to be ourselves without fear!

Hugs!
Gabriela.

[Genifer Teal]

My suggestion is to seek counseling. I freaked at the thought of this when I was 18. I have never had any formal counseling. What it can do is help you figure out what this means to you so you can accept it faster and decide how best fit it into your life. You can do this on your own but a therapist can help you figure this out faster. When young, we seem to have all the time in the world ahead of us. As we age, we wonder where it went. You can not regain lost time. Getting to the point sooner will help you save time - time you can never get back otherwise. You never know what your future holds and how these feelings will be a part of that. Having more time to enjoy life and not still be figuring it all out is the best advice I can give. Many wish we could do things differently but this isn't a video game we can just start over.