Good Grief

[ReluctantDebutant]

Hi My name is Charlie Brown and I have a thing for kicking footballs. I have been doing my best to stay away from it as it has only hurt me in the past. I have been doing real good haven't thought much about footballs in months. Been hanging out with my buds Linus and Schroeder, loosing kites in trees, dancing weird, consoling my dog's WWI flashbacks, and pondering life's great questions by a wall in the park. But now Lucy has come back and she is carrying that football telling me she'll let me kick it this time. I should stop listening to her but a nickel copay is too good of a deal to pass up. She is in the park looking at me with the ball under her finger (I wonder if its really me under that finger). I would love to be able to kick that ball but I know I can't trust her. I know if I try she will just yank the ball way when I kick and I'll land on my back, yell AAUGH, and think of all that time and nickels wasted on listening to Lucy when I could have been using that time a money to look for that elusive red haired girl. Good Grief.



Blue Skies can't last (refer to my last post) the pink fog has returned along with my Lucy, my CDing muse. This muse is once again whispering honey into my ear about how great it would be if I would just cross-dress again. She can be very convincing. But I have heard this all before She has held that football in front of me before. It sounds great so I dress only to have the football ripped away just before I kick. The fantasy of dressing feels wonderful the actual dressing is boring and I just end up regretting the time and money spent on the fail. I can't help but think It would have been better spent looking for my own red haired girl to provide real happiness. This is one of the main reasons why I started to refrain from dressing all this time. I am not against the kicking of footballs I am against falling on my ass. Now my Lucy is back I still don't think I can trust her, better just to continue to ignore her. Or am I being a Blockhead?


P.S.
She may be trying to drive me crazy enough so I would pull a Ray Finkle and eventually become Lois Einhorn. "Laces out Luce"

Sorry for the Ace Ventura reference but how often does TG and Football kicking show up in the same topic :D

[Katey888]

Nice metaphor RD... :) A little convoluted to follow on the first read (took me three for it to all fall into place...) but nicely put! :cheer:

I've also been having a bit of a Blue Sky period (or just lazy!) and eventually today, after several weeks, I managed to create some fluffy Pink Clouds... but now I feel miffed because while I started 'not in the mood' - the process quickly gets me there and is over all too quickly... I have to yank my own football away - and I don't like it!

Sounds like you're still seeking that nefarious balance and harmony, RD - but it has to be worth trying, as I suspect even if you find the elusive redhead, this ole CD stuff will rear it's bewigged head again sometime in the future... :hugs:

I always liked Woodstock personally, but then I dated someone once with a similar profile... :eek:

Katey x

[ReluctantDebutant]

Thanks Katey

Hopefully I can clear things up. It isn't balance and harmony or lack of it that is bothering me it is the lack of joy and meaning from Dressing. I have done all forms of cross-dressing underdressing to outings after being professionally made over. I have even gone out dressed completely from the neck down including big hip/butt pads and form the neck up nothing but me and my five o'clock shadow. I thought being out would be thrilling but in the end it felt the same as going out in Drab. I went back in the closet just for the convenience. But there it was just amplified. Why hang around the house in drag it feels no different then hanging around the house in drab? There sometimes is a little fun for a short time in the beginning but it soon goes and then I am laying on the couch or at the computer with my breast forms getting in the way.

I might not be a cross-dresser, right?
Except for the fact of having this CDing Muse that hits me when I am not cross-dressing with fantasies about dressing a looking like a woman. It fills me with such a euphoric feeling and such an obsession that I have to do it. I have to cross-dress. But often times before I adjust my last garter strap the muse is gone and rather being a CDer who is enjoying being dressed I am a confused man in a dress who is looking over the receipts adding up the money to see what else I could have bought that might have been more useful.

Looking back at one of my original post here this has been the state of my cross-dressing for a few years now. Exhilarating emotions to get me to dress then bland neutral feelings when I do dress that can turn to disappointment and regret if I think to much on it. If I am going to take on any and all risks that come from Cross-dressing I would think I Should get one hell of a great feeling from it. So I don't dress and that's when my CD muse, this siren calls me back to crash upon the rocks of TG Island. I want it to put up or shut up so to speak.

[Katey888]

I think I get that RD.. :)

My interpretation of what is conflicting you is about harmony... You might not be a crossdresser... or you might...

If you are - then the pursuit of harmony is probably the best you can aim for. The fact that this mad-ass thing we do keeps calling you back speaks volumes to me. I sometimes HATE that I have this stupid affliction... wish that I would want to do something so different just to make it disappear (which is what I think some of us do try...) - but it ain't. I'm stuffed - and harmony is probably not a bad place to be... or Hell (if you listen to AC/DC..) - it's all about perspective.

Maybe something subliminal is still fighting this within you? Seems plausible... Maybe you just need to find the right CD 'scenario' to check all the boxes... maybe it's something else affiliated to this... :thinking: Just seems to me the CD aspect is too central to what you need for you to NOT be a CDer...? But there's always a possibility, right...? ;)

Katey x

[karinels]

I recently had a thought that may be appropriate here.

I wish one of 2 things.
One, that i was born into the body that I feel I should be in.

And two, that I was born with the mindset to match the body I was born into.

[ReluctantDebutant]

I think I get that RD.. :)

I know I think I just needed to write it out loud again for myself. It is very therapeutic. :)



My interpretation of what is conflicting you is about harmony... You might not be a crossdresser... or you might...

I have not felt comfortable referring to myself as a crossdresser I think more I myself as a guy who like to cross-dress. But before we get into another one of those god awful Labels threads :eek: let just say for all intents and purposes my past actions and my more than passing curiosity to see myself looking like a woman from time to time places me in the CD camp.

I would love to have harmony. I am in constant negotiations with myself on this to find some harmony some balance. But the trade off for me has got to be fun, some enjoyment, or some other sort of meaning. And not just sating some irrational desire. I have often heard people say CDing is a stress reliever. But I find for me the only stress it relieves is the same stress it causes and then it brings the stresses of possibly being outed. Being outed would not be half as bad if I felt I was enjoying it or if I could say with any conviction that "yes this is who I am". I have looked time and time again to see if the mirror at the beauty shop reflects the real me. It does not. I do this for fun or at least theoretical fun. :sad:



If you are - then the pursuit of harmony is probably the best you can aim for. The fact that this mad-ass thing we do keeps calling you back speaks volumes to me. I sometimes HATE that I have this stupid affliction... wish that I would want to do something so different just to make it disappear (which is what I think some of us do try...) - but it ain't. I'm stuffed - and harmony is probably not a bad place to be... or Hell (if you listen to AC/DC..) - it's all about perspective.

You are probably right about the pursuit of harmony. I have always kept in mind a night/weekend where I go all out, but that is some time, $avings, and quite a few lbs shavings away. And I still fear that I might end up just sitting in a hotel room twiddling my manicured thumbs. And If it ends up being what I need then my CD muse better learn tighten her belt cuz I can't do that all the time.

I believe I know why it keeps calling me back. S E X. It has got itself in control of all those hormones and feel good brain chemicals that would normally get activate when boy meets girl, except it wants to play when boy meets girdle. Which is completely useless and I hate it for it. It may never go away that is true. Wishing it to disappear is futile. But it doesn't always have to get its way. It might bring pleasures but it will never be the source of true happiness, this I know.


Maybe something subliminal is still fighting this within you? Seems plausible... Maybe you just need to find the right CD 'scenario' to check all the boxes... maybe it's something else affiliated to this... :thinking: Just seems to me the CD aspect is too central to what you need for you to NOT be a CDer...? But there's always a possibility, right...? ;)

The right "scenario" this is most likely it. I thought of an analogy the other day for how this all feels some times. I am an actor who has just finished with wardrobe and makeup to walk on stage to realize the stage empty as well as the auditorium. No point to go on with the play. I couldn't begin to think of how to make this happen. I would need some sort of Star Trek Holodeck or a troupe of the best improv. actors money can hire to follow me around.


Karinels
I too have sometimes pondered that being born a girl would be more convenient. My personality and cross-dressing could easily transfer to a tom-boy nerd girl who no-one would bat an eyelash if she dressed up from time to time. Hell It would allow me to do some awesome cosplay. But it would just be convenient. It is not something I loose sleep over.