At what point did you realize transitioning was right for you?

[Alliegirl]

It seems as though it's pretty common for a similar narrative to play out for trans* individuals. Start as a kid dressing in secret (or not so secret), keeping that part hidden, and then exploring it more and more, until you go "oh... I'm really a woman born in the wrong body." So how did you know that transitioning was right for you and not just a "phase" or something else? Making the decision to go through with transitioning carries a lot of implications and consequences with it, and it's not something you can just try for a bit then go "oh... yeah... about that... it was fun for a bit, but I'm going back to my original gender." And I ask this because going through the CD forums, talking to CD/trans people, reading posts, etc many have purged their other gender items one or more times. So how do you know that transitioning won't be a similar thing for you?

I know everybody has their own concerns and worries from career, to family, to friends, etc. And if you're going to transition you should be prepared to lose all of that. But as I explained to a friend earlier tonight is living as the wrong gender but with an otherwise successful life any different than living as the wrong gender with a hard life? To me it seems it's a wash. Either be happy in your standard CIS gender falling into the social norm and go through life feeling "off/wrong" or be happy in your identified with gender and potentially have career, relationship, family, and friends issues for life. Both those options suck. I want to be able to be the gender I feel I am AND be successful in the "traditional" view of it (good job/career, healthy relationship with one/more SO, friends, family, etc). This is where the first paragraph comes in. What was the proverbial straw that broke your back to make you know it was right for you? Or did you just say screw it and go for it and deal with the fallout as it happened?

[Zooey]

I'm in therapy now, and on the verge of making that decision myself. I know on some level deep deep down that it's what I want, but (as my therapist put so eloquently) I'm grieving the coming loss of an identity I've held on to for a long time, even if it's not the one I really wanted.

I can't say what will push me over to the side of really kicking things off in a permanent way, but I can say that part of what led me to accepting that I'm transexual was the realization that I'd spent 34 years not being happy with myself. I missed a lot of experiences that I would love to have had in my teens and 20's. I'm halfway through my 30s now, and I don't want to miss out on any more experiences.

[Traci Elizabeth]

The day I was born!

[Dianne S]

I remember the precise moment. It was almost exactly a year ago today. I was at a local transgender social group's Christmas party when I realized I just felt right and that I wanted to live full-time as a woman and not just go on occasional outings for thrills.

Although that moment was an epiphany, it had been building for a while. I had joined this forum and found that, just as in real life, the transsexual discussions were far more interesting and engaging than the crossdresser ones.

[Angela Campbell]

I don't know. There really was no single moment I can remember. I kind of crept closer and closer until the fear couldn't stop me anymore.

[Rachel Smith]

When the fear of not transitioning was stronger then the fear of transition. That took 57 years btw.

[Starling]

Although I knew from an early age that my head and heart were not male, I became certain transition was right for me at the same time I found I wasn't alone; and that was when I joined this forum several years ago. Of course, as I'm an ancient specimen my awareness hasn't translated directly into fruition, and I've spent the time since my epiphany grappling with the personal issues involved. I've lost the feeling I could ever be a fully realized person without transitioning, which is hard to bear; but I've gained a freedom from shame that I never felt until my experience here, which grew subsequently in gender therapy and a lovely and self-affirming stretch of HRT.

:) Lallie

[Emma Beth]

For me it started innocently enough doing research on Cross Dressing for a writing project my wife and I have been working with for quite a few years. As I learned more and more I learned more about myself in the process until one day I had one of those aha moments and realized that there was a lot more to myself and began to explore.

It wasn't easy to come to grips with the realization, but I have come to terms with myself a lot quicker than I thought I would.

Now I fight with the time it's taking to really get things underway for me.

[PretzelGirl]

Knowing when is probably something that was so buried, I can't identify it. Maybe the same as Traci. Things like denial and avoidance kept me from recognizing when that was. I can tell you the time I said it was time. That wasn't when I knew but when I openly admitted I knew. I do feel different then the majority as there wasn't depression or a negative life event involved. It was just peeling the onion of my feelings and then deciding that this was the right thing. So it doesn't take pushing yourself until you can't go on and I do feel blessed that this was my path.

It is tough to compare purging with backing out of transition. Purging is often a sign of denial. A person wants to wear clothes of the opposite gender and because of guilt or personal/social issues, purges themselves of those belongings because, of course, that will make it go away. A person who backs out of transition is hopefully not doing it on the type of whim that purging generally is. Backing out of transition is more a sign of someone either needing some therapy and not getting it, which is very dangerous in this case, or realizing that this really wasn't the right path for them. It is a very tricky thing as something failed them or they failed themselves along the way. But it is far more a problem with how they got there rather than the momentary urge that purging tends to be.

[BOBBI G.]

The moment I realized I had been lying to myself and everyone else I had ever known. Life as I had accepted was no longer a viable option. I was a woman and I had to be one. It was either start to live my live as me or life would no longer be living. I would no longer be a member of the human race. I sought help and a bunch of wonderful people got in line and have helped me to where I am today. All of this has taken place in the past three years.

Bobbi

[Kimberly Kael]

It's hard to separate the "standard narrative" of those who genuinely knew from early on from those who realized they were expected to know from early on. Healthcare professionals helped create this state of affairs by withholding care unless you uttered those magic words. There are obviously a wide range of personal experiences and I'm sure there are many who were very clear in their gender identity from early on. My own path was more complicated and required a lot of incremental breakthroughs before I could admit to myself and others that I had an undeniably female self image.

After all, my home environment was very much rooted in scientific studies. That I was male was accepted by everyone as axiomatic given my observable physical traits. Pretty much an open and shut textbook case that didn't even seem worth challenging, doubly so given that I wasn't expected to toe the line regarding gender roles or the like. I competed in gymnastics, could cry openly at home without ridicule, etc. So I had nothing obvious to push back against, just the nagging feeling that I didn't fit in. I knew from very early on that I wasn't anything like anyone else I knew, but it took decades to become educated enough regarding the intricacies of gender before I had an adequate explanation. I'd say my attraction for women delayed the inevitable by a decade or two because at least I had something in common with my peers.

[Jessica EnFemme]

I'm grieving the coming loss of an identity I've held on to for a long time, even if it's not the one I really wanted.

That's a good insight. It took me until mid-40's to start seriously thinking about it. I spent my childhood and teens putting on an act to avoid bullying, then I suppose my 20's and 30's putting on an act to not wreck my career (at least I assumed it would). Finally in middle age I am working for myself and finally at the age when you're secure enough to no longer care what others think (and my parents too old to really care either).

But that part about grieving the loss of who you've been for so long, yes, I feel that. Otherwise I'd be scheduling surgery tomorrow.

On the other hand, what's the hurry? I'll go at my own pace. It's a liberating thought.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Reading this.

http://avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

I've only posted this a million times, but once I read this, it was all one direction

[Eringirl]

This is a tough one as I am working through this now. So i am sort of with Zooey on this one. In my heart I have decided. In my head, I am still working out the logistics and the consequences. This is my theme for upcoming therapy and looking to get congruence between my heart and head and move forward. So in a sense, I have decided, but have yet to act until I really wrap my head around it. Right or wrong, this is where I am at.

Erin

[Alliegirl]

Sue, I am like you in that there isn't really a depression or negative live event associated with any of it (beyond having ex's end things because I would crossdress or they wanted a "manly man"). And the "peeling of the onion" I can also relate to. Where as the years have progressed what started as a very much outer layer has been peeled away and I feel as though I'm much closer to the "core" than I have ever been before. From wearing bikinis and other womens clothes at a young age in secret, to wearing ex's clothes in HS when I could, to crossdressing more and more, to just feeling more fem every month and feeling more natural because of it.

As for the purging comment, I realize it's slightly different and not a perfect analogy. But the purging is a "I don't like who I am" kind of mindset generally and wanting to "purge" that part of you. And while transitioning, if done with professional involvement, should mitigate that risk it is still a concern. What happens if you get 2 years down the road and go "that was the wrong choice." You can't really undo it entirely. It's just a massive leap into the unknowable unknown based on a lot of very subjective things/experiences. Yes there certainly are those who are grossed out by their CIS-gender body or depressed because of it. But that's not me. What is me is that I haven't ever felt quite right as a guy. And in talking with my one friend (CIS-female) about it she has never questioned her gender identity, which I had previously thought everybody did because I did and it seems normal to question it to me. When she told me this I really was surprised by it because it was so alien to me.

Kimberly Kael, your experience sounds very similar to mine. I grew up in a household that was very much realistic, rational, and open minded. I could explore a lot about myself and gender really wasn't a rigid concept. There weren't defined gender roles in my house growing up and so I could be semi-fem while being a CIS-male. And like you I can relate to my peers by being attracted to women sure, but beyond that not much. I like to drink beer (although even there I'm picky about my beer and alcohols) I suppose is as close as a second one I can see. But when they start talking about sports or the usual CIS-male gender stuff I cannot relate at all. And instead I just go into my own head and explore my own mind letting it wander (or put on headphones and go back to work). And those are simple easy to explain things, but I have never really been able to relate very well to most men. I've learned to fake it to some extent, but I know it's just a lie to try and fit this standard narrative gender mold.

And only recently have I become educated enough to go "you know what, maybe the reason I've never quite been 'one of the guys' is because I'm not. And that instead I'm 'one of the girls'." It's not quite that cut and dry perhaps, but hopefully you get the point. I've always felt more comfortable around female friends than male. With my male friends I'm always trying to think like 'one of the guys would', but with my female ones I am just myself. I also fully understand that doesn't mean somebody is trans or not trans in and of itself, but it's just one of the many pieces that now are falling into place to get a little further towards completing the puzzle of me and who I am as an individual.

Kaitlyn, wow. This quote in particular early on:


They develop an aura of deep secrecy based on shame and risk of ridicule and their secret desire to be female is protected at all costs. The risk of being found out adds to the psychological and physiological pressures they experience.

I'm extremely secretive about myself and don't let people in because I'm scared of what happens if I do. So I don't trust people. Even family, because I don't know how anybody would react and can't predict the consequences of people finding out who I am. Ugh, so much for going to bed early! I now need to finish this lol.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Yep I remember that exact sentence.

I questioned my gender identity all throughout..

For me it was the distress... I never approached it from the standpoint of "am I or am I not a woman"... I felt suffocated and empty, I didn't want to live (and I didn't want to die either)...my survival instinct kicked in and I headed down this path...and I never looked back because I didn't have to , the farther I went the more I knew that I was doing the right thing...

[Rianna Humble]

Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

I won't go into the history of my struggle against transition, but there came a point when I was having difficulty functioning, I was getting sometimes one or two hours sleep a night and the prospect of ending my life was becoming much more attractive than continuing to live. I tried using cross-dressing for a few months as a palliative. Even though I knew this was not me I thought I could shame myself out of the need to transition.

There was still something that was more important to me at that point than becoming whole, it was an event in May 2010. Once that event was past, I began actively planning for transition and began my RLE 7 weeks later.

Things really came to a head when I started getting a physical reaction to having to pretend I was still male. Although I know some transitioners who have difficulty with that concept, the psychiatrist who screened me for other mental illnesses had no problem accepting my experience and even helped me to understand part of it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Which sentence are you talking about?

[writtenfarces]

Wow! The article describes so much of my life, I don't even know where to begin. Thank you for posting it.

Teri (a G3 kinda gal)

[Kimberly Kael]

[QUOTE=Rianna Humble;3655207]Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

It certainly wasn't my intent to invalidate anyone. Care to elaborate on what struck you so?

[Michelle789]

I think there are varying degrees of knowing.

1. Insisting from a very young age that you are a girl (or boy if you're FTM)
2. Knowing undoubtedly from the start, but repressing it until you're ready to deal with this
3. Having feelings from a young age that you are or want to be a girl but not knowing what it is - this is what happened to me
4. Feeling that you're different from a young age but not understanding you're desire to be female until you're much older

There's literally a spectrum of how you experienced dysphoria that there is no right or wrong way to experience GD, nor is there a binary like Blanchard claims. I think Blanchard attempted to classify TSes into a binary that he considered to be gay men or men with fetishes - obvious bullshit. Just as gender is on a spectrum. In fact, I believe that both gender and the way we experience dysphoria aren't just on spectrums, but are on multi-dimensional spectrums.

Back to the OP's question. I was one who had strong gender dysphoric feelings from a young age. I did announce to my parents at the age of 5 that I am a girl, and after they made it clear to me that I am a boy, I quickly learned to never vocalize my feelings again. I would continue to have feelings that I am really a girl on the inside, or a desire to be a girl, ever since. I didn't understand why this was happening until age 22 when I first read about transsexuals. However, I felt like transition wasn't in the cards for me at that age, and I continued to drink until the age of 27. I got sober and my dysphoria slowly went on steroids and went from frequent closet crossdressing with a desire to be a full-time woman to wanting to commit suicide by the age of 32.

So when did I realize that transition was right for me? I think it was a gradual process. There was no "ah ha" single moment where I knew it was right for me. I first felt transition was the right path for me at the age of 22 when I first heard about it, but I seriously didn't think it would ever happen in real life. By the age of 32 I seriously started to research transition and consider it for real. It wasn't until the age of 33 that I begun taking steps towards my transition. Age of 34 is when I started living full-time and started coming out to people. I am still very early in my transition but I am out to most people in my life including my family. So for me, it was a very organic process. I could never pinpoint a single date or moment in time as the answer to this question. It was gradual, and very much existed on a time spectrum. In fact, my answer to this question is yet another multi-dimensional spectrum with time being one of the dimensions.

[Alliegirl]

Michelle, I identify with 3 and 4 in the degrees you describe. And like you I believe that sexuality is a spectrum, but gender is a spectrum with many more dimensions to it. I don't know if I ever announced I was a girl to family, but plan to ask parents at some point now. I have also learned to not vocalize feelings, although I attribute it more towards just my family and at most a very minimal (maybe 10% of it) towards something like that.

How have you found transitioning so far? Has it been easier or harder than you expected?

PS - salads are wonderful! (your sig)

[KellyJameson]

I lived for a long time with a type of pressure inside my head but I did not realize it was pressure until this pressure was released and when it happened I could literally feel my brain relaxing into itself.

Sometimes the pressure was released by seeing truths and it would almost feel like there was a physical reordering of my mind where afterward "life made sense" where before it did not. The understanding drained off the tension inside me and my whole body was affected.

I could feel my mind relaxing as if a pressure release valve had been opened up. I call these experiences "epiphanies" and they are very powerful

The other way I felt the pressure release was moving closer to my internalized body image. Wearing my hair long and having any body/facial hair removed along with breast growth from HRT were huge leaps toward feeling normal.

Before that I had always felt like a stranger in my body and testosterone has always caused me to experience a type of anxiety that was always there but would go from hyper anxiety to a quiet hum type of anxiety but I could never escape this anxiety no matter what I tried.

Every step of the way came with a confirmation that I was on the right path. RLE even though challenging came with validations that gave me that sense of living naturally instead of unnaturally which is what I had always felt before.

Looking backwards everything makes sense. I have that strong feeling now of "But of course"

"Accepting that I am" so "realizing that I am" (a woman) and so than transitioning is like finding a key that answers all those extremely frustrating and impossible questions of "what is wrong with me" and "why do I keep doing these things" that I was always asking myself. My female identity kept trying to create itself even against my wishes, almost like a quiet but sometimes very loud compulsion.

I always knew I was a woman but refused to "know it" because I was so fearful of what that would mean for me and what I would feel because of this. I had been shamed terribly as a child for communicating that I was a girl and for every act that was not gender appropriate all throughout my childhood and teens.

The more I fought for my female identity the more others tried to kill it and eventually to save myself from others I repressed my female identity and started to pretend I was a man, immediately condemning myself to a constant abnormal performance.

It is a bit like being sexually abused as a child by someone you loved and needed and than repressing the memory because to remember it is simply to painful. To remember is than to have to live with it from now on. I had to claw my way back to myself as a woman, back to my original identity from childhood but to do so meant remembering all the pain of losing it and what was done to me and what I had done to myself because of it.

You have to feel much worse before you begin to feel better.

Realizing it was right for me came out of the feeling of "being in less pain" the farther I went with it and into it.

In my opinion when you are a transsexual, transitioning "reinforces itself" so you know it is right for you by how you feel compared to how you felt.

You have to be careful with this measurement though because there will be very bad days and very good days.

In my opinion it is very important to never lose sight of how it was "before" or you could have doubts because it comes with some brutal challenges.

[DebbieL]

For me, there were different STAGES of transition, points at which it became obvious that I was not really a boy and had been mislabeled at birth.

At birth, there were deformities and I was very teeny down there. Right after my mom died, dad sent me some records and pictures, including the bassinet label which said "Ballard Boy?" - so yes, even at minutes old, there were choices to be made.
Mom had been through over 50 hours of labor so dad made the decision toward boy. At the time, the doctor said it would be easier to change it later. Much harder to turn a girl into a boy.

By the time I was 2, my mom realized that it was DANGEROUS for me to play with boys. Since I didn't have the male aggression, I didn't fight back, which made me a target of theft and bullying by ALL of the boys. Often I came home very bloody.

By the time I was 4, almost all of my friends were girls, and the boys I did play with, had big sisters who liked me as a little sister. I had my own dolls, I sang songs and told stories, I preferred to color and make letters with my girl friends rather than rough-house with the boys.

When I was 6 I moved to a new school, and wasn't allowed to play with the girls any more. Playing with boys was still dangerous, and I frequently came home bruised and bloody.

I missed my friends, and dressing up was a way to feel like "one of the girls" - even though it was very lonely. Mom caught me dressed in her clothes, and I told her I wanted to be a girl.
Mom talked to her therapist about my wanting to be a girl, and was told that the "cure" was shock, torture, and probably lobotomy - best not to let anyone know.

I frequently came home sobbing and saying "I hate being a boy, I wish I was a girl".
Cross-dressing was too dangerous - but mom did help me learn to cook, do laundry, clean, vacuum, knit, crochet, sew, do bead-work, and other crafts.
Dad used to say "Someday you will meet some nice lady doctor and be her wonderful wife - when he said it I would practically glow.
When mom found out that I was stealing my clothes, she worked out a covert way to give me clothes - I had full wardrobe, boots, and wig. Mom's "discards".

When movies about Christiine Jorgensen and Myra Breckenridge came out, my parents investigated surgery - at that time, surgery cost more than our house and required a trip to Sweden.

When puberty hit and I found out I had a bass voice - I got self-destructive and suicidal - drugs, booze, high risk behaviors, starting fights I couldn't win.

Had lovers during college who realized I was a girl inside, found ways to work with it, or dropped me like a hot potato.

Got married and wife was clear she did not want me to transition. Tried to settle for being a cross-dresser, but loved being a "mommy" too.

As marriage fell apart, met with therapist who realized I was hard core transsexual - and it was a miracle that I had survived as long as I did.

Started to transition in 1988-89 - as I was getting ready for divorce, started Real Life Experience (RLE).
Ex-wife threatens to have all visitation revoked unless I stop transition. Shows me letter and names sympathetic judge who would do it.

Youngest graduates from College - I start the RLE process again.
Father tells me why they didn't help me transition as a kid, falls in love with his daughter - tells me to "Be yourself, that's Debbie".

Started hormones, gradual transition at work (dressing more feminine, manicures, eyebrows,...).
Switched to full time - using "Rexxie" until I could get legal name change.
Legal name and gender change at 58.
Eligible for SRS at 59 - insurance will provide most of the coverage.

When I first said "I'm a girl" - I could barely even talk. I would make dresses and skirts, I even called my teddy bear "My Baby".
Because this was during the 50s, 60s, and 70s, there were legal barriers, medical barriers, social stigma, and prohibitive costs.

[Jorja]

I knew almost as soon as I could tell the difference between boys and girls. A huge mistake had been made and everyone was forcing me to be a boy. At 10 years old I read about Christine Jorgensen. I knew it could really be done. I made it my mission from that day forward. It has been 35 years since then. What a wonderful life I am having.

[PaulaQ]

After I attempted my life last year, I realized that I could simply no longer go on. I had to transition. I was so miserable that death was far, far preferable to the lie that was my life as a man.

One way or the other, my old life was just over. At that point, I didn't really care what happened. It was sort of liberating in a way. Transition pretty much had to be better than what I was feeling. Hey, if it wasn't, well, I guess I'd have taken the big sleep. But I knew it would be better, and so far it has been. It hasn't always been easy or fun, but at least the stuff I experience feels like I'm really living my life now, and not just going through the motions, pretending to be something I'm not.

As for my old life - I kind of look at it like this. Imagine your life is a car that you are driving. You are about to crash your car, either into a guardrail, or an oncoming semi, or both if you aren't careful. There is nothing you can do - the wreck is inevitable. You may have some slight control over how BAD it is. Your car is going to get totaled - your goal is to try to leave the wreckage alive. So you dodge and weave, trying to minimize the damage you'll personally take. Most everything else, though, is going to be a real mess.

[LeaP]

Saturday, July 25, 2013. Transition or die! One will happen! Table is open!

[becky77]

When I finally realised I was rock bottom and I should at least try this before giving up on life.
It really was when fear of regret is more powerful, than fear of Transition.
In a way I have always known, it just took a long time to overcome the fear and stop deluding myself I could make it as a man.

[I Am Paula]

It's a long story, but...in a nutshell-
I had been presenting female almost full time, except to my parents, and at work. Living two lives got really hard, and each day I'd check my calendar and decide which sex I was. I knew I was near a breaking point, and had to make up my mind one way or the other, so what does this moron do? I went to the mall and had my haircut, and bought some really ugly guy clothes, telling myself that I could live as a male!! I stood in front of the mirror, hair nicely combed, sans makeup, in a plaid shirt, or the like. It was the worst moment of my life. All at once I knew that I could never be male. But could I be female?

That question answered itself the next day. After dinner with my family, I went for a walk with my sister, and she stopped, looked at me and asked 'What the hell is wrong with you?' I answered 'My gender issues have gotten the better of me'. I had never told her anything about this before.

Here's where I have to make the long story short.
That evening my sister and I went from being fair weather aquaintances, to best friends. She made me promise to call a Doctor on Monday, and get this ball rolling. It was decided. I would begin transition asap.

I credit my sister, and best friend, for saving my life. Without her insistence, I may have dithered for years, maybe the rest of my life, living in a horrible duality.

[Aprilrain]

I'm still not sure transition was "right" for me. I was out of options and God damn tired of thinking about gender 24 hours a day. I hoped transition would help, it seemed better than suicide anyway. 4 years later and many thousands of dollars poorer I'm not sure it was worth it to tell you the truth. Being trans sucks. I have no doubt that for me it was transition or die I'm just not sure I picked the right option.

[Starling]

I'm so sorry you feel that way, April, but I completely understand. I'm pretty much where you were when you decided to transition, but the choice for life--with its immense sacrifices and risks--is proving an extremely difficult one for me to make, and I'm indecisive by nature. After all you've been through, I hope you can get to a place of acceptance.

:) Lallie

[Rianna Humble]

Wow, with one sentence, Kimberly has invalidated my whole experience!

It certainly wasn't my intent to invalidate anyone. Care to elaborate on what struck you so?

Your opening sentence dismissing anyone who has anything like the "standard narrative"

And no, I will not derail the thread by entering into a discussion

[Marleena]

:hugs: @ April, I hope you have somebody to talk to there you sound really down right now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kimberly said that lots of us didn't experience the "standard narrative". That does not dismiss anything.

FWIW, in my own therapy circle about half the folks said they "knew" since their first thought , and the rest of us floundered along in our own way in our own style of denial.....the "standard" narrative is pretty common and i'm not aware of anyone ever dismissing it..

It's interesting that even if a person knows from first thought, they still often engage in the same behaviors that I did..(that many of us did)..it doesn't really change the idea that sometimes its really difficult to come to the conclusion that you are going to transition... I used the idea that I was supposed to know from day one as a guard against my own inner feeling that something was wrong and that ultimately transition would be in my future...I was brought up believing that it was a necessary condition to be transsexual...for many years this was a relief...(ie I can't transition, i'm obviously not transsexual)..then it became a huge burden as I never really allowed myself to call myself a woman, and that made it harder for me to accept it...

only based on other posts, it appears to me that lots of folks that knew when they were really young didn't always fare much better in getting to the point where they could make things right for themselves..

[Starling]

...it appears to me that lots of folks that knew when they were really young didn't always fare much better in getting to the point where they could make things right for themselves..

Knowledge does not seem to equal power, and sometimes it paralyzes rather than strengthens. I don't think we should ever forget that, with respect to the lonely and awful blow we've had to absorb, we're all pretty much in the same boat and rowing hard, no matter how far we are from comfort on the shore.

:) Lallie

[arbon]

I have no doubt that for me it was transition or die I'm just not sure I picked the right option.

I'm glad you made the choice you did.

[Alliegirl]

Knowledge does not seem to equal power, and sometimes it paralyzes rather than strengthens. I don't think we should ever forget that, with respect to the lonely and awful blow we've had to absorb, we're all pretty much in the same boat and rowing hard, no matter how far we are from comfort on the shore.

:) Lallie

Another thing is many people couldn't due to social issues. Many parents don't want a trans child and reject they are trans. Thus keeping them from getting access to the information/resources they need.

[MarieTS]

It was very early. I was only two. While playing with a mixed gender group of toddlers I realized I am one of these, not one of those. My need to transition expanded from there as I grew. But my realization that i had to, my final surrender to reality, occurred when the cumulative weight of my needs, desires, and experiences overwhelmed my attempts to be female only episodically.

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to echo the comment April. I am also glad you made the choice you did. You are a special person and a valued friend to us here.

[Nicole Erin]

Am I the only one who doesn't and never have over-think this whole transition thing?
After my divorce, I decided to change my name and live as a woman. I didn't bore myself with verbose junk like the link Kaitlyn posted.

Does it matter when someone even decided? Do we need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first?"

[Rachel Smith]

Nicole,

Glad to hear your decision was so easy for you, mine was not. When I first came here looking for help and asking questions I came across Kaitlyns link, hell she may have posted it in response to something I ask, it helped me alot. While it may be verbose junk to you it may not be so for someone else.

In response to your questions. It's not about when someone decided it's about how someone decided. No we do not need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first". So why do you want to make it one.

'nough said
Rachel

[I Am Paula]

Jeez...for such a tiny segment of the population, with a BIG thing in common, we sure do fight a lot!
If you don't like the question, don't answer it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

When you truly don't know what to do, its pretty normal and pretty relevant to ask others how and when they decided... however, its of limited value in the end because you still have to decide for yourself!!! and its really of no value when people brag about how it was no issue for themselves...

I hope the OP got the feedback they were looking for...its either a brutal or easy decision, and it can be made early or late in life or it can even be no decision at all!!! hehe
kidding aside, its the details and sharing of info about HOW you thought about that decision... i think that kind of info can be invaluable..

[Nigella]

Am I the only one who doesn't and never have over-think this whole transition thing?
After my divorce, I decided to change my name and live as a woman. I didn't bore myself with verbose junk like the link Kaitlyn posted.

Does it matter when someone even decided? Do we need another pissing contest over "who thought of it first?"

Nicole, you are not the only one. I just went with the flow, when things were right I made the choice for each step I wanted to take.


Jeez...for such a tiny segment of the population, with a BIG thing in common, we sure do fight a lot!
If you don't like the question, don't answer it.

Experience is what draws us all together, and we all like to share. We are no different from any other segment of the population, the point is that we are all individuals. It is always better IMHO to give the advice/comments etc and let the person asking the question decide what is right for them.

[MarieTS]

An excellent research piece in Kaitlyn's link. I suggest it as excellent background reading. Curious as to which Dysphoric category from the article everyone places themselves in... 1, 2, or 3?

[LeaP]

How about all three?

[Michelle789]

I read Kaitlyn's link, and much of it sounds like Blanchard, except this article states that we really are women (or men in the case of group 2 FTM) as opposed to being men with fetishes or gay men.

I don't identify neatly in either group 1 nor group 3. Although the patterns discovered may have some serious truth, there are enough exceptions to groups 1 and 3 to say that there is no binary of how gender dysphoria manifests itself, but rather a spectrum. Or how about a multi-dimensional spectrum?

What I have in common with group 1

- I never got married nor had kids
- In fact, I had never been in any kind of romantic relationship until I transitioned
- I was never very macho nor aggressive
- My brother always thought my behavior was on the feminine side since I was a kid
- My behavior once I started presenting as female was feminine - feminine behavior and mannerisms came easy to me

What I have in common with group 3

- I had an aura of secrecy and was obviously hiding something, other people just couldn't figure out what I was hiding
- My most noticeable trait to people who knew me as an adult is I was very stiff and obviously uncomfortable in my own skin
- I have a Masters degree and work in tech
- People who knew me as an adult didn't notice any obvious feminine appearance or behaviors or mannerisms in me (they may have picked up on more subtle cues)
- When the psychic pressured me to "man up", date, and get married, my dysphoria significantly worsened

So I'd like to believe that I am somewhere on a multi-dimensional spectrum when it comes to how our dysphoria manifests itself.

Also, why isn't there a group 4? Couldn't some FTM's hide being trans well before they come out, even if it is rare? There are some late transitioning FTMs too.

Although I disagree with categorizing us into binary dysphoric categories, much of what the article said rings true with me and I identify with a lot of it. It is very well-written. But I maintain that I am on a spectrum of both groups 1 and 3.

[Alliegirl]

@Kaitlyn, you are absolutely correct that people have to decide what is best for themselves. The reason I posted the OP was because I was curious what brought people to the decision they ultimately went with (be that a decision like "I'm ok as a guy but have always identified as a girl" or a decision in so far as "if I don't I'll kill myself and I don't want to kill myself"). We all have a unique past. Some knew from the start. Others didn't. Others repressed it. Everybody took a different path, but for many in this sub-forum they ultimately transitioned (or are in progress of it). And I wanted to know the how and why behind that as it might help me as I wrestle with my identity and ultimately figure out what is right for me.

@Michelle, I don't think anything is quite as clear cut as this, or other articles, tend to be when talking about human qualities. Be them sexual orientation, gender identity, morality, ethics, or any other social construct. Like you I share traits from both 1 and 3 on that link and many of the same ones you have. I have rejected the "normal" social path through most of my life. Growing up I never really had any interest in dating. The only reason I ever dated my first ex was because I knew she liked me and I thought "well... this is what society says I should be doing." The only reason I stayed with her for 3 years was because I didn't think I could do better and figured "well at least it's something." And I realize that was depression at that point in time. But a big reason for dating at all was because I was doing what I thought society said I should to "fit in." Now that I'm older I am pretty against many of the social constructs out there (i.e. I'm poly/non-monogamous) from a relationship perspective. Which is nice in a way because it makes it easier to not give a shit about dating part of transitioning since as a guy looking for only poly/non-monomous relationships, I don't date much :elaugh:

[MarieTS]

Yes, I was a 1 until it was shamefully driven out of me. But Marie could never really leave, so #3 surfaced. Michelle made an excellent point about the need for a #4 group. She is right. I never realized there was such a sizeable population with late onset ts until I joined the forum.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The article sounds nothing at all like Blanchard.

This article was not about specific categories to me. I just couldn't believe that this author was writing about people that sounded exactly like me I had never experienced such a profound connection with another persons experience

It made me realize so,many things about what I was going through

[Marleena]

I don't see any Blanchard theories there either...

G3 pretty much nails it for me. I still don't have any male friends to this day, just acquaintances. I still feel like I'm hiding because I've only gone the hormone route for the GD so far. I'm trying to take the easy way out and I'm just emotionally drained.

I should have known I was TS in my twenties when I tried to self medicate. The GD had peaked but there wasn't help available here like there is today. Losing my job through a work injury caused me to slow down and the GD peaked again.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Allie that all sounds right to me!! Just managing expectations!!! Hopefully you are seeing answers that resonate with you and ones that don't. I think that's a valuable way to think about it. For 45 years I never told a soul except for two therapists(that knew very little of tg or ts issues and gave me bad advice.)

When I finally started talking to people (as well as posting here) I totally and completely identified as a crossdresser...but there was this uneasy feeling I had that it wasn't true...and my behavior was literally insane...I should write a book about all the incredibly risky, stupid and sad things I did in those years as a I faked being an "out" crossdresser... it was meeting other transsexuals, therapy, and that fricking anne vitale article that converged into my own realization...and in reality I don't think I ever really "decided" to transition...it was almost too overwhelming to think of it that way if that makes any sense... I just started doing the steps and found one by one that they were totally right for me.. my path was VERY different than most but I have met folks here and in therapy that had a very similar experience and that helps me a lot...

[becky77]

I never saw that article until after starting Transition. You know what, it really helped me as it was in parts as if someone had followed my life, it reinforced what I was doing was right.
In a way I have always know but a total lack of self belief and fear kept me slogging along trying to make it as a man. When the time came I just knew it was right and the rest became natural. I'm not saying it's easy but things have just fallen into place.

The Verbose Junk statement was so rude.

[MonicaJean]

"What was the proverbial straw that broke your back to make you know it was right for you?"

Back around Labor Day this year, after 4 1/2 years of searching, reaching out (that started here back in early 2010), learning, reading, conversing with others, etc….that Labor Day wave of depression was the ‘straw’. The choices were obvious: transition or die.

Standing on the precipous of the cliff, I saw myself looking down and thought I could end it right here or step back...be honest with myself and the world and accept losing everything in ths process is a reality.

I stepped back and became honest with myself and the world: I’ve been transgender since the age of 4. By the age of 12-13, a dark cloud appeared in my life. Took me 3 more decades to define it: GD depression. While I was cured of crossdressing 19 years ago this month (it was a miracle, no joke, since it’s about God, please PM me to discuss). I knew we never receive get-out-of-jail-cards as ones who are caged-in by the binge/guilt & shame/purge cycle. So many times I went through that awful cycle, until 19 years ago.

What I didn’t know was that there is a big difference between crossdressing and being fully transgender. That took 14-15 years after that point to open my eyes that no, I didn’t throw-away any miracles of the past and that things are indeed different now, I have no urge to crossdress at all…only urge to be me: a female.

Trying to explain to people the transition or die is met with either “wow! I never knew! I’m glad you chose life! How can I help?” or “Why couldn’t you wait 5 years til the kids are out of school?” or “You’re selfish if you commit suicide!” and the same ones say “You’re selfish by throwing away your family!” Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I knew that making the decision to live would cost me soooooo much. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet a couple wonderful tgals from this board and have made friendships that are edifying. New friends are replacing old ‘friends’. And I must say, I like these new friends much better! :)

It was crushing depression from GD that caused me to drink heavily, eat my problems away until I was very overweight, causing my armpits to sweat all the time (EMBARASSING!). The ’straw’ moment was when that latest wave of depression was greater than any in the past and greater that I could withstand. By the way all of these symptoms are gone. GONE!

Being honest is the best policy It costs us everything, but it’s sooooo worth it in the long run.

But, my story is so very undifferent than many here and elsewhere…knew at the age of 4-5, age of 12-13 depression took hold, thought we could take this to our grave, but our grave found us first. We make the choice to be a survivor because as we know, not everyone chooses life :(

[Brooklyn]

Like others, I also was depressed for years, but thought that I could find a middle path. It didn't work: My depression and sobbing fits just became worse, and at the same time, I was often being called ma'am by strangers, due to my feminine appearance. I finally relented this past spring. HRT made me feel so much better, there was no question that it was the right choice. So, there was no single event that I can point to, although coming out to my father was probably the last thing holding me back from beginning medical transition.

[Michaella]

I had always been a private cross-dresser, and in my mid-50's decided I really needed to once in my life try going out in public presenting as a woman. I did, and found something, I did not know what, that felt wonderful in it. I think I was reacting to having people perceive me as a woman. I had long realized, since childhood, that I was not comfortable in the male role, there was certainly nothing I could say I enjoyed about being male.

After a few years in that situation -- I do nothing quickly -- I decided there really was something else there than just the kick of wearing the clothes, and thought I should "resolve" this matter for once an all. So I began therapy, and came to realize that I was wanting to live as, if not become, a woman, and that I would begin to try.

From there it have been small steps, interview by a health professional who specializes in trans care, coming out to a few friends, looking at employment issues, starting testosterone blockers and now taking a low dose of estradiol. Are any of these yet the moment of deciding to transition? Not quite. I am told that estrogen use is almost perfectly diagnostic, that one's reaction to it will say with certainty that one will be happier as a woman. 10 days into it, and that has, not surprisingly, yet to happen. In a few weeks, maybe I will know that, conceptually, transitioning is right for me.

I say conceptually because there are practicalities. One is a matter of health. Will I, at 63, be able to handle the medication? There is a concern that my blood pressure is too low (!) for the spironolactone. There is also the matter of my wife's serious objection, a matter too complex to discuss right now. If, if, the estrogen feels "right" then I will have to deal with those other matters.

So, for me there is no one moment, no "point," that is an absolute decision, yet.

Michaella