Is getting caught by your SO really inevitable?

[Sarah Louise]

I've been reading with interest all the close call stories that are being posted at the moment. There is a view by many that getting caught sooner or later is inevitable and this is just another reason to come clean.

So this got me thinking. For those who have kept their dressing from their SO, have you been caught and how long did it remain a secret before you were busted? For those that haven't been caught, how long have you managed to keep it hidden?

I've not been caught, however it's only been two months since discovering dressing again.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
Yes I've been caught twice by my wife the outcome was not good because she ran off to her sister and told her !
That was some time ago, I've finally managed to get acceptance to dress openly but the situation still not as simple as that !

I've plenty of near misses with other people, there's a thread running at the moment on near misses as you mention !

[kimdl93]

That depends. People are caught in a variety of circumstances. Eryn related being at an event that, as it turned out, was also attended by a coworker. People forget things...a stocking or even the packaging in e trash, or by a spouse coming home unexpectedly. Have some avoided these mishaps, sure. But look back and see how many times you read things like, "my wife found my stash". Not inevitable, but highly probable.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Caught by wife, first time, 6 years after wedding; second time, 23 years later. A number of close calls in between.

But now, since I'm out to her in a DADT situation, I'm noticing all these close calls. A pair of panties left out, my closet door nor closed, my computer screen visible, almost forgetting to take my "engagement" ring off, etc.

The more often I do it, and the more comfortable I get doing it, the more mistakes I make.

And in case it's not clear, getting caught is no fun at all.

[Jamie Lynn]

Generally, I'd say it is inevitable. For it not to be then you'd have to be a master at deception and is that what anyone really wants in a good relationship?

[Lacey New]

So far been married over 20 years and have not been caught. I've been careful. My stash is small and I've purged a lot of great stuff. Some, like beautiful garter belts and stockings as well as some floral print Vanity Fair panties, I will never be able to replace. It's the price we pay for being very private and very in the closet.

[Katey888]

Mistress of Deception here then... :devil:

Of course it isn't inevitable - just bloody hard work!

Ever heard of Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski..? Whose wife and daughters never knew that he was a mafia contract killer..? (Probably not a good moral example - but never mind... ;)) Until he was arrested, anyway... :eek:

There are doubtless those among us who will have gone longer than me... but... two full-time relationships, 35 cumulative years, one divorce, two children... and counting...

Of course, it's probably better to 'fess up early - but many of us could not have pursued that option at a time when this was almost always thought of as a massive perversion... So you hide it... and keep hiding it... No plans to reveal yet... especially when there is a fair chance of non-acceptance and I don't need to be out...

Klandestine Katey x

(And did you see my sig line... :))

[KatieGG]

I would say it's bound to happen sooner or later. I have gotten off work early and didn't tell my husband so I could surprise him and if I didn't know already he would have been caught. If you keep the "stash" somewhere in the house the wife is going to stumble on it eventually. I can't think of a place in my house where I will never have to be at some point of another. Not to mention traces of make up being left or clothing left out the odds are not in your favor. To keep it hidden everything has to go smooth every time. All it takes to get caught is one little miss step. But I guess nothing in the this world is ever truly inevitable!

[Stephanie47]

I wasn't caught. When we were first married we dabbled a little with bedroom play: nighties and hosiery. I suppose my wife and I considered it bedroom play. I would characterize it as having a fetish. We did shop together for long nylon gowns and peignoirs for me Later, I started to purchase slips and panties. When our first child was born, we lived in a one bedroom apartment. The crib was at the foot of the bed. Eventually she asked me not to wear the nighties to bed anymore. I was OK with that. I did not wear them every night anyway. Over time we relocated. One day our second child decided to open the bottom draw to my dresser. She yanked out a red Vanity Fair bra. THAT my wife could not understand. It was now more than a fetish for nylon dainties. We had the discussion/talk that everyone seems to have. After several years it we drifted into DADT. I had the realization and MY opinion which has been expressed by me many times in this forum is trying to force or coerce my wife into accepting something she did not approve of morally, sexually or otherwise was nothing short of mental spousal abuse. She said she was OK with me joining a support group. There were none in our area in the early 1980's. There was no Internet, etc.

So, my wife knows I cross dress in her absence and in privacy. I do not intentionally leave any signs of cross dressing. My clothes are out of sight. Of course she does not know the extent of my wardrobe, but, that comes within the realm of DADT. I do not shave my body. I am totally masculine for her.

I have no desire to hang around the house in a dress because she would not be accepting. That is NOT the image of the man she married. I would love it if I were able to wear a dress and have interaction with her. I see no point in wearing a dress in front of her, if it upsets her.

"Coming clean" because a wife may ultimately discover cross dressing may blow up in your face. It may not. Only you are the judge of your wife's potential acceptance, tolerance, whatever. Just don't do it because you feel she'll be totally accepting and let you go "hog wild."

I was fortunate my wife and I eased into DADT, rather than having a big blow out at some hidden secret being disclose.

[bridget thronton]

The odds of your never being caught are quite long I think

[Leslie Langford]

I would say it's bound to happen sooner or later. I have gotten off work early and didn't tell my husband so I could surprise him and if I didn't know already he would have been caught. If you keep the "stash" somewhere in the house the wife is going to stumble on it eventually. I can't think of a place in my house where I will never have to be at some point of another. Not to mention traces of make up being left or clothing left out the odds are not in your favor. To keep it hidden everything has to go smooth every time. All it takes to get caught is one little miss step. But I guess nothing in the this world is ever truly inevitable!

Yes, all too true, Katie, and despite the fact that we often pride ourselves on our fundamentally "female" brains as compared to "real" men, there is that vestigial, reptilian, neuron-challenged part that is linked to our knuckle-dragging past that we have to contend with, and which we cannot seem to shake.

In short, women (and especially wives, mothers, and SA's ;) ) have a sixth sense that we genetic males cannot fathom and whereby - despite all the subterfuge in the world - invariably, they just know.... :eek: :heehee: :doh:

[kristinacd55]

I got "caught" after 32 years.....but it was because I wanted to get caught I believe. 7 years later, I'm divorced and living with a gg who accepts Kristina and knew about me coming out of the gate.

[Beverley Sims]

Sarah,
Being caught is not inevitable, but keeping it secret for a lifetime is a task few wish to experience.

Yep! Someday........

[CorsetsnPetticoats]

I was caught....after about 3 years into our relationship. It was embarrassing too! She found a corset I had stashed away and during moving to another apartment, she found it in a box. I had to fess up, as she thought it was someone else's corset. A few arguments later, she figured out I was notnlying to her.

Eventually she came to a understanding that this was a part of me. She gave me her old panties, but I never felt very comfortable dressing in front of her.....Hell, she even did my makeup.

Well....6 or so years passed and I moved a box....she noticed it and I was caught once again. (I had purged all of my gear...she did not want me to. Even had sissy dresses she knew about and an wedding dress...HATE I purged that!)

Long story short...If you are lazy at all, you will likely get caught.

[FemmeMonique]

Oops! My male self is lazy. Monique not so.

[Sometimes Steffi]

There are doubtless those among us who will have gone longer than me... but... two full-time relationships, 35 cumulative years, one divorce, two children... and counting...


Oh, and you don't look a day over 30.

[Katey888]

The cheque's in the post Steffi - and you're right at the top of my Xmas card list...

:love:

Katey x

[Evelyn S]

My wife busted me 16 years into our marriage, and it happened just as KatieGG described, with my wife coming home early from work to surprise me. It was a perfect storm of events: my wife had to come home mid-morning from work to pick something up she forgot, she didn't call first (as she almost always does) so she could surprise me, and I didn't hear the garage door open.

Prior to being busted, I felt confident in my hiding and knew I would never get caught. Since being busted, I think it's more inevitable than not.

My story has a happy ending, though, as my wife is now supportive and enjoys my dressing.

[Jackie7]

what Kristinacd55 said.

Nailed after 30 years of marriage, no doubt I wanted to get caught because I was just sick and tired of hiding out, and after I shaved my chest how could she not notice? Followed by marriage counseling, several years of trying to make it work, then divorce, then being out as a lonely but determined CD, made new friends, met a lovely and understanding lady who thought it was all a lot of fun, remarried and couldn't be happier.

But the road to my current happy, and out, life began with being caught and manning up in my big-girl panties to accept the consequences and deal with the fallout.

[Joni T]

If you're up front with your so from the very beginning you'll never have to worry about getting "caught".
Jon

[Gillian Gigs]

If you play the law of averages, everyone will eventually get caught. Why, the reasons are many, but one of the most obvious is getting lazy or complacent. Just plain old bad luck factors into it also. I supposed that Sheldon on the "Big Bang Theory" could do the math on it for us, but if some one is in denial they wouldn't believe it either!
I came to the conclusion that it was better for me to tell in my timing rather than with a rude surprice, so I had more control over the whole situation. Being prepared is at least half the battle, and there is no preparation with surprises.

[Jenniferathome]

It's inevitable. If you have your own things, you'll forget that one special suitcase or box and she'll find it. If you borrow her things, they'll be misplaced, hung up in the wrong order, stretched out, whatever. Women tend to have an eye for detail that we miss. Have you ever looked in the junk drawer for something and not find it but she does? Mistakes aside, I think the real inevitability is that you will subconsciously out yourself.

[heatherdress]

It does depend on the frequency you crossdress, extent of your crossdressing, environment in which you both live, honesty and openness of your relationship, and personality of your SO.

But I do believe that most of us who own female clothes and makeup and wear them with some regularity will definitely be discovered at some point by their SOs.

[Marcelle]

I truly believe it depends on the person. There are going to be naïve dressers or those who throw caution to the wind by dressing without planning (e.g., SO steps out of the house and you start pulling out forms, make-up and whatnot the minute she leaves), or you are just plain careless when hiding things, borrowing items (not a good idea) . . . these folks will almost inevitably get caught. Then there are those as Jennifer stated who want to get caught on a subconscious level and will take chances to achieve that end . . . they will get caught because they want to. Then there are the sophisticated dressers (not in the style sense of the word) who are detailed oriented, plan every dressing in the exacting steps of some TG Jason Bourne without ever getting caught. We only assume everyone gets caught because we hear the stories . . . those who don't get caught I guarantee don't post here because that would leave a cyber trail for an SO to find and they are definitely not going to have a personal "dress-up picture folder" sharing pics of their latest purchase.

So does everyone get caught? Not likely but, I would say a good percentage do.

Hugs

Isha

[MissAmy]

You may or may not get caught but coming out can at least eliminate the fear of it

[Krisi]

I don't think it's a matter of "if' you will be caught it's "when" you will be caught. And it doesn't have to be a wife. Children or parents living in the same house or having their own keys, neighbors with keys, etc.

It's also related to the extent of your dressing. Just throwing on a bra when your wife is at work or out of town is one thing, going all out with forms, makeup, and a wig while someone else is in the house or unaccounted for is something else.

So to answer the question, I got away with it for many years but I was just wearing a bra and water balloon forms and my wife's blouses from the laundry. She went out but came right back home because the tire light on the car came on. Caught me desperately trying to get out of the bra and blouse.

So anyway, now I am free to dress around the house and I have my own stuff. I am one of the lucky ones.

[Alicia S]

If it's not inevitable, it's right next door to it. As others have said there's always the stash, or the chance unexpected return or caller or delivery or tidy up lapse or..... There's just too many routes to discovery to expect to be 100% safe 100% of the time. And it only needs once.

[Jaylyn]

If you are dressing to the full extent of dressing sure one day you will be caught. We as humans get complacent in our activities. It's hard not to. If you are not out to the wife then you will probably leave that tell tale mark of lipstick on or that piece of tissue you removed it with in the trash can. Who knows it's the small details that can catch you. My wife knows and doesn't care as long as it doesn't interfere with who she married. She even helps me with the makeup sometimes and buys Jaylyn a Christmas present. She also has sometimes when she come in from work will say oh I see Jaylyn visited today. Then she'll tell me how she knew. I borrowed her lip liner or mascara or even a top she had hanging and I had hung it up backwards. If you are dressing you are leaving trails about it unaware. I have watched too many detective shows on tv we all leave footprints we are unaware of. Only the single CDs might have a better shot at keeping it hidden but they too will be caught. I say the DADT theory is good but it can lead to so many other underlying resentments and problems later. I'm glad my wife knows and understands. It's easier to do the laundry if we can wash our panties at the same time.

[Leslie Langford]

Abraham Lincoln put it best when he said "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."

As always, the devil is in the details. Remember the bar scene in "Inglorious Basterds" where the American infiltrators posing as German soldiers are "outed" only because one of them orders the group's drinks by holding up his middle three fingers North-American style, whereas Germans are used to holding up their thumb and first two fingers for the same purpose?

[Maria 60]

I really agree with Jennifer about a women's instinct and detail. I took a chance very early in our marriage and I was lucky she was OK with it and with time and patients it seems to be alright thirty years later. Even though I have my own clothes she doesn't mind if I wear her things, but it is amazing that when I do wear her clothes and don't tell her, she some how knows I wore her things and even will point out to me the exact outfit I wore. My dad used to say "you could keep a secret for as long as you want, but it's like hiding something in the snow, it just a matter of time before the snow melts"

[VAWyman]

Generally, I'd say it is inevitable. For it not to be then you'd have to be a master at deception and is that what anyone really wants in a good relationship?

I agree wholeheartedly. You may not get caught but chances are you will sooner or later. Me? I successfully hid it for 40+ years before I came out to my wife. She started suspecting something at about 38 years and it still took her 3-4 years to flat out ask me. I initially denied, but eventually owned up to my crossdressing.

[Angie G]

I'd say the risk is on the high side over time.Almost got caught a few times once by my mother once by my son and my wife brfore she knew.:hugs:
Angie

[Staci]

I would think at some point you would be found out. I don't know though as my wife knew before we were married. She helps me pick out clothes. I don't know how I could have hidden it from her.

[Sometimes Steffi]

There's also the possibility that you might be caught and not even know it.

When I was a teenager, I used to "borrow" some of my mom's lingerie. I also used to raid the trash bins during spring cleaning. I was never caught. But thinking back on it, I wonder if my mom knew and just chose not to confront me about it, perhaps, hoping I'd grow out of it. I think she might have assumed gay, not crossdresser.

They seemed exceptionally surprised that I managed to man up to get a date for the senior prom.

[Debb]

I crossdressed for the first twenty years of our life without my wife knowing. I decided to tell not because it's inevitable for all married/attached crossdressers to be caught, but because for me, it was getting to that point. I was getting more risky, and at the same time, I was dealing with major depression ... and finally I decided to tell her.

It hasn't been great, but we are still together after 32 years. I've said in another thread that our relationship is DADT, and that I don't like that, but that's how it is .. but for this part of my life, we share everything else.

[Tina_gm]

Not inevitable, but the amount of time spent and the lying that needs to be told to avoid getting caught most certainly is inevitable.

[DonnaP]

Looks like all agree we will get caught I have come close a few times dropping something and not knowing and get lucky enough t see just before she arrives. This has happened multiple times to me so far. I get really scared I believe my Wife would not handle it well and I would be getting a divorce. God I hope my lucky streak does not go away.