You might as well just leave...

[Megan G]

Yep that was the message given to me today, and I quote..

If this is what you are planning on doing, changing your name to "xx" and putting on a dress, you might as well just pack up and leave the area"

And no, it did not come from my wife, or brother or a friend. It came from my mother of all people.

She had asked me to come down and help her try to understand what I am going thru more. I seen this as a positive step at first and had printed off some information for her to read thru the week, hoping it would give some answers before I could get a moment to see her.

It was quite the conversation that litterly has me in tears right now as I type. She called all the doctors I have seen over the years "quacks" and on and on.... So much so that I don't really want to re live it by typing it.

I have read many times from those of you that traveled this road before me that there would be casualties, and it is so true. I just never expected it from my mother, and at Xmas time. I guess it is a lonely year for me...

I have not changed my mind in the least bit, but it sure put some blood in the water...

Megan

[Jennifer-GWN]

Meghan;

These are heartbreaking situations. I'm not sure your age, your moms age, or how close you live to each other. I know it's important to have the acceptance of your close family particularly if they are in close proximity of you. For me my Dad is my only living family. He's 83 and from a different time. I came out to him and my mom a very long time ago. My dad took it hard at that time but took the stance that it was "just a phase" and from that point I let it drop. I've been living over 1000miles away for the past 20+ years making it much easier to be myself locally. I see no point upsetting the applecart with him at this point in his life as much as I take the emotional hit in the process when I go to visit.

Depending on her age you have to consider that they "come from a different time" especially if their lives revolve around a small town or isolated atmosphere.

Never easy... take it slow. Moms; I think, tend to be easier than dads.

Cheers... Jennifer

[Megan G]

Jennifer,

She is 68 and yes we are both in a small town atmosphere.

Megan

[Traci Elizabeth]

Megan,

Unfortunately, many of us have endued the loss of our non-accepting family members and people you thought were your friends.

I lost all of my family, my mother, father, brother, sister and my son. Only my daughter is 100% supportive and we are very close. And yes, her and I have shed a lot of tears together.

But please hear me. Even with the loss of all my family members except one, I am happier than I have ever been in my life. I have put them behind me (parents now decreased) and its wonderful how the brain heals emotions and buries those feelings deep in your memory banks locked away for ever.

You are the most important person in your life. Continue your journey and never look back.

Traci-

[docrobbysherry]

I don't wish to put words in your mom's mouth, Megan, but have considered this? That she was simply thinking out loud?

Since u live in a small town where many folks wouldn't accept or understand, life mite be much easier for u and your family if u started over in your female identity somewhere else?

[Starling]

Megan, it sounds like she's more worried about what other people think than what her child needs. It's a common disease, and only time will heal it. How did your wife, brother and friends respond to your news? More positively than she, I hope. Meanwhile, you have given yourself a great gift by telling her the truth, and the rest is up to her. Your task is to become the woman you were meant to be. And Merry Christmas!

:) Lallie

[Persephone]

I feel for you, Megan. There are things that happen in families that should never happen. That is sometimes the nature of family.

In some cases it could have been anything, it didn't have to be crossdressing.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[KellyJameson]

Parents can have so much power. Often when my mother would say she loved me, somewhere inside me the question would form "If you love me why does so much of your love feel like dislike or exploitive".

It has been a rare thing where I have observed a healthy parent child relationship.

There is often a tension or uneasy truce between children and their parents.

For me admitting and accepting that I'm a woman was hindered by that need to be loved and my confusion of what love is and IS NOT, which imprisoned me as much as my body did from the prison built in my mind from the distorted definition of love I was taught

It was only when I moved beyond the conditions others set for acceptance and love that I found a path to love of self that opened the door to acceptance of my identity as a woman and into transitioning "without the fear" that had prevented it previously, keeping me in perpetual suffering.

My fears keep me in pain in the name of love and being loved.

When you move beyond the need to be loved that is when you are able to experience love out of the relationship you begin to have with yourself.

Transitioning is letting go of others to find and be yourself. Sometimes they leave for good and other times they leave and come back but in the end you are living as you need to be.

We cannot reject that which is fundamental to us to be accepted by others (loved) because it creates fear and self loathing. It is a betrayal of self.

Breaking the bonds between child and parent is sometimes necessary for the child to grow into that which they are meant to be.

It hurts to be rejected and certainly so brutally and cruelly as you have been but her love is conditional on you living the life she decides for you.

This is not love.

One of the most important epiphanies I have ever had was realizing that my parents loved selfishly because all they knew was the selfish love that served them and their interests and from what I have observed this is the way many, possibly most, parents seem to love.

This selfish love is a childs way of loving and often it seems the power that comes with being a parent can keep them as children in their ego centric preoccupation with themselves.

They think of the child as an object meant to serve them as an extension of themselves and not as an individual separate from them. It is a type of ownership with a claim made on the other that resembles more the slave/master relationship and co-dependency comes out of this.

Transitioning teaches you about healthy love versus selfish love because those that loved you for selfish reasons will not stay in your life.

They loved you for what you did or do for them, not for what you are.

You do not experience acceptance in this type of love because it is always conditional as to how it serves their interests

[Dianne S]

I'm very sorry for you, Megan. Maybe your mom will eventually come around.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Megan all is not even close to lost..

Sooooooo many times I've seen parents say and do things out of FEAR and ignorance. SOooooo many times I've seen those parents come back to their children..

However, its important to realize that you are now in the moment..

you must demonstrate your strength and independence...without hurting her any more than necessary you must, by your actions, prove to her that you are going to be ok.. its a tough road...and there are no promises

..but you have just been given the golden ticket...if your mom loves you, she will see you get better, she will see your courage and its very possible something that could encourage her to step up for you and accept you... you may have to leave first, it may take a long time but there is lots of time to work this out..

[Jorja]

So does this mean your transition is off? Who are you transitioning for yourself or them?

You have done your duty so to speak. You have informed them. Yes, it is hard not to have the support from the ones you love. It is time now to move on with your plans. You are your own person, you have to do what you have to do. I can't say your parents will ever except you. More than likely once they see that you have become a better person and are going to be alright, they will change their mind. That is usually how it works out.

[Megan G]

So does this mean your transition is off?.

No, this does not mean my transition is off or does it change anything expect for who I thought was in my corner. Maybe that will change, who knows.

What I do know is today was a really bad day.

Megan

[Marleena]

Sorry to hear your mom still hasn't come around Megan. You've tried your best but all is not lost, it might just take some more time. I am happy to hear you are still pushing forward, it is your life.

[Jessica EnFemme]

Yep that was the message given to me today, and I quote..

If this is what you are planning on doing, changing your name to "xx" and putting on a dress, you might as well just pack up and leave the area"

And no, it did not come from my wife, or brother or a friend. It came from my mother of all people.

Oooh, I can relate. My mother is from small-town midwest, and when my younger brother came out as gay (long before I revealed my identity to her), she was really nasty to him to the point he completely disowned her. As he told me, he didn't get to choose his family so he has formed his own that includes his husband, his husband's family, and thankfully me and our sister. My brother hasn't talked to my mother in 20 years.

My mother is now in her 70's and when I recently told her about my planned transition, she let it be known she didn't accept it but I don't think she really cares anymore.

The sad part is my father is much more worldly than my small-town mother, and fully accepts the both of us. It's funny because I always thought it was the mother that accepted, and the father that had problems with it. Completely the opposite in my family, anyway.

[Beth-Lock]

I have had to do without the support and attendance of social events, like Christmas and birthdays, thanksgiving etc., with my closest family. (I do save a lot on gift wrap that way. :)) My closest relative recently has gotten over her five year long snit, and started to be able to talk to me without being abusive verbally or using a sneering tone of voice. I guess she had finally realized that it is what it is. By now I am so bitter and have been so badly hurt, that I am okay with staying away from my family. I guess, one just gets used to it and then comfortable with it. It is a very common part of transition and often quite unexpected when it happens. Not much one can do about it.

[Jorja]

Always keep the lines of communication open with your family. Let them know where you are and how to contact you. It is never too late to reconcile with them. Sometimes it is just hard to make the first move.

[celeste26]

There are methods to bringing loved ones along on our journey but it does not involve jumping the fence and suddenly becoming female. Its a miracle that everyone doesn't react negatively. Such changes are hard on everyone. Even the slow gentle approach has no guarantees but it does enhance the possibilities of positive responses from more people.

The long slow gentle approach allows families and friends to see a the female in us long before any major changes happen. It does require patience though.

[Annaliese]

No girl you have us here, I cry went ever I read one of these post an I am crying now, one of a family disowning one of there own and for a mother, We are here for you girl. Hugs

[Stephanie47]

I happy to read you are not changing your plans to transition. One is able to pick their friends, but, not their family. There is always the belief there should be a special bond between a person and his parents and siblings. Many times that bond is seriously flawed. I am just a cross dresser. Nobody except my wife has knowledge of my interests. I know my mother would have been bigoted if she had known before she died. I was married in 1971 to a wonderful woman. We are still married. For some undisclosed reason she never accepted my wife. Yes, she was cordial when she talked face to face with my wife. But, she backed stabbed her whenever she had the chance. For decades her Christmas card was addressed to me, and, never included my wife nor our children. I don't know who she thought she was hurting. Was it me? Or my wife? I finally got tired of her nonsense, and, totally stopped communicating with her.

Your mother may never come around and support you. I'm sure the small town atmosphere does not help the situation. There will always be in the back of her mind "Where did I go wrong that he ended up doing this?" It is remarkable how people can be two faced about any issue dealing with sexuality. I see it many times from friends and acquaintances. They can be highly judgmental and intolerant, yet, smile and shake your hand Sunday morning. It may be painful, but, really consider expelling those who are not supportive of you and your family from your circle of friends and family.

[Megan G]

Thanks Everyone!! It means a lot to have some people that can relate!!

So right now it is gang up on Megan time, I have been receiving texts all day from my mother and now my brother. They even went as far as calling my supportive (to date) wife and accusing me of being gay and liking men. To them that is why I want to transition.

It just gets better by the moment. I am just glad I have a real life support network already in place, cause I sure have needed it the last 24 hours!!!!!

[Lori Kurtz]

So sad to hear. But being TS is not something you can change your mind about. You are what you are. So you SHOULD proceed with "changing your name to 'xx' and putting on a dress." The only other advice I can offer is, to the extent that you can, you should be compassionate and forgiving toward your mother. Her judgmental stance against you says nothing about who you are--it only says something about who she is. Beneath the harsh reaction that you see in her is a deeper pain that you cannot see. Maybe she will get over that someday: maybe her love for you will overcome that pain. If you see any movement in that direction, I would urge you not to take the opportunity to be angry for the hurt that she has caused you in the meantime. If you can resist the understandable urge to strike back at her, and be the bigger person in this situation, you might make a big difference both in her life and in your own.

[arbon]

Thats how it goes sometimes. I had lots of issues with family, my mom and brother especially.
Most of my other relatives still wont even see or talk to me. My mother still protects them from me when they come to town.

My mom is a lot better then she used to be about it though, and my brother is okay now.
I've proven them all wrong with time.

It can hurt but you grow tougher through it all. You have to be able to respect and honor yourself for who you are, you can't rely on others for that.
life can get crazy early in transition with all the drama that unfolds. Stay true to yourself.

[Rachel Smith]

Megan I cannot feel your pain exactly as I had no problem with my parents. My daughter is the one that won't accept me. She comes and goes mostly around holidays and birthdays. I suppose that is to see what she can get. I hate to say that about her but that is the way it seems. I am from a small town in PA originally and perhaps that I am now in VA has made it easier for my parents.

I think Kelly's post in this thread says it very well.

Stay positive and don't give up hope just as I haven't with my daughter.

Hugs
Rachel

[Fortuneta]

Megan...
Be strong and stay on path. Think about you and only you. Your life will change for the better, your attitudes will change and the happiness inside you that will radiate may bring those you lost back.
Wishing you the best,
Fortuneta

[Michelle789]

Megan,

I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that experience. I had a similar experience with my father and my brother, both whom called the doctors and psychologists quacks. My father referred to psychologists in general as "liberals who tell you what you want to hear". My brother asked me why did I go to LGBT Center doctors, and said that my doctor and therapist are "biased towards pushing people into transition". He also asked me why didn't I get my hormone levels tested before starting hormones. Could you believe that? I told him that I did, and my hormone levels were in the normal male range. I wasn't a sky-high testosterone nor low testosterone, but normal for a male. My brother and father thought I might have low T, causing me to feel "inadequate as a male" and that I should have gone on testosterone and "reverse gender therapy" to learn how to be a man. I live 3000 miles away from my family and only see them once a year. My dad told me that I am "not to visit us dressed as a woman." I am consequently not going to visit them this Christmas, since I refuse to dress as a man.

Unfortunately we do have many casualties if we travel this path. The amount of casualties is unpredictable. Some of us lose very little, and some of us lose everything, and many lose something in between. Even scarier is the fact that people who accept you initially may leave you later on. On the bright side, sometimes people who don't accept you at first may come around later on and start accepting you and gendering you properly. This is pretty normal with families, since families usually have the most difficult time accepting us, especially fathers. But brothers, mothers, and sisters, and relatives can be unaccepting too - it's just too unpredictable to say who will accept you and who will reject you.

A common response isn't necessarily a downright rejection, but rather a lecture, occasional or persistent trying to bully you out of transition. My father gave me a big lecture and tried to talk me out of transitioning. You can read more on my coming out thread. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?220863-I-came-out-to-my-family-and-it-was-the-biggest-fiasco

Megan, just stay strong. I know it's tough, but you will get through this, and you have lots of support here on this forum. If you need to talk to someone, please feel free to send me a PM :)

[Bria]

Megan, I'm sorry to hear that your mom is having trouble understanding your needs. We tend to think of our mom as the person that comforted us when we were hurt, it's tough to be hurt by that some person. I hope that time will help her learn to be loving again.

I'll remember you and your whole family in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[PretzelGirl]

It is posts like these that make me tear up. One because of the family reaction. But also because you have your authenticity and you are ready to embrace it. The world gets better when you are who you should be. You have happiness and the world just has to adjust to it.

[donnalee]

Megan
I'm so sorry this happened and I know how much it must hurt. Other than a shoulder to cry on, all I can offer is my hope that somehow she will grow into a better understanding.
Donna


Always keep the lines of communication open with your family. Let them know where you are and how to contact you. It is never too late to reconcile with them. Sometimes it is just hard to make the first move.Jorja
I hate to disagree with you, but when I first moved away from home, I told my parents where I was. My dad walked in while I was in bed with someone, the next thing I knew I was being carted off to a mental institution by a couple of gigantic cops. Let them know you're OK, but use a burner phone, don't talk too long and don't give out your address.

[PretzelGirl]

Donna, why was your place accessible to where your Dad could walk in and see who you were sleeping with? I am with Jorja. I would always keep communication going with family at a rate that I can handle. If they know where I live, I don't think that should be a problem. Lock the door. And I sure don't see how an adult can be carted off like that. Were you a minor?

[Momarie]

Kelly

Your message is so Profound, Powerful and Insightful.

[donnalee]

Donna, why was your place accessible to where your Dad could walk in and see who you were sleeping with? I am with Jorja. I would always keep communication going with family at a rate that I can handle. If they know where I live, I don't think that should be a problem. Lock the door. And I sure don't see how an adult can be carted off like that. Were you a minor?It was an odd situation; the upstairs in a home that had no locks and the landlords could be careless. I was 19, which was not full majority at that time.
You are so wrong; if a family (or other entity) decides that someone isn't behaving as they see fit, they can convince the authorities that that person should be held for mental evaluation (which at that time in that state was 30 days) and filled to the brim with antipsychotics, which they did in my case. It took better than a year for me to recover physically and decades psychologically. I refuse to have anything to do with any so-called "therapist" of any stripe and have seen so many violations of the "Hipocritical oath" since then that I never give out any information to anyone unless it's absolutely necessary. I trust no one in "authority" and have as little to do with them as possible. I am a free person and intend to stay that way.

[Promethea]

Oh, Megan... I know it sucks, and at this time of the year.... But you´re not alone. You have this bunch of crazy sisters and aunts close to you, at least in spirit (or on spirits).

As someone who was initially not accepted by her parents back when I thought I was just a CD I can only tell you that if we want to be accepted we also have to accept others, and that includes accepting that some people we love are not going to accept us, and let them go with love. About leaving a way for them to contact you... nowadays if she really wants to get in touch with you she will be able to find you, and from what she wrote that will only be if she has a change of heart.

A big hug for you.

[Megan G]

Thanks everyone for the support, things cooled down for a little yesterday but the fired right back up again today. I thought there was some headway being made as I was asked to come down again to talk tonight. So I took this as a good sign and went...

Oh I could not have been more wrong. Instead of being able to explain my mother just kept firing back with very transphobic worries. She is not concerned with me at all.

Anyways I left and when I got home I recieved a text from her saying good bye and wishing my son luck in life because "obviously he will need it with you"

So she has washed her hands of me and wished my son luck in life. I showed this to my wife and all she could say was "nice" with an angry look on her face.

I tried, but obviously there was no helping so I have no choice but to put some space between us..

I am sure it will do us both some good.

Megan

[Annaliese]

Girl it's hard, but you need support now not name calling, I have a problem with my mother also, we don't talk much, and it better that way, I do love my mother, I just don't like her much. I think you are right keep your distance. But never stop loving her, you don't have to like her at this point.

[ashleymasters]

Megan,
I'm so sorry to hear that dear. I hope her attitude improves towards you and your decision. Merry Christmas.

[donnalee]

Girl it's hard, but you need support now not name calling, I have a problem with my mother also, we don't talk much, and it better that way, I do love my mother, I just don't like her much. I think you are right keep your distance. But never stop loving her, you don't have to like her at this point.The way the commandment was explained to me was:
"Honor thy father and thy mother."
You don't have to love them, you don't even have to like them, but you need to honor them; after all, they're the ones who gave you life!
One of the few precepts from my childhood religious education I've kept with me.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Distance sounds good. Protect yourself Megan. Your mother's toxicity may subside later on, and you've done what you can for now- good for you for trying.

A big hug-

Nikki