Getting "caught"

[Kate Simmons]

There have been many threads especially recently dealing with getting "caught" crossdressing by a SO or some family member or neighbor. The expression getting "caught" implies you are doing something wrong by crossdressing. Do you feel you are doing something "wrong" by CDing? If so, why? If not, why not?:)

[Lori Kurtz]

There's logic, and there's feelings. Logic might say, "If I were hurting someone, it would be wrong. But I'm not hurting someone, so it's not wrong." But feelings of guilt can remain. Especially when those feelings, for some of us, go way back into our childhoods. Of course, if dishonesty in a relationship is involved, the guilt is well-founded. But in a DADT relationship where the SO knows that the crossdressing exists but just doesn't want to see or hear any details, or in a single person's life, there's no reason to feel one is doing anything "wrong." Nevertheless, I ALWAYS had some element of guilt in my feelings about my crossdressing, even as a single person.

[Jean 103]

It’s the perception and sometimes reality that the people close to us will not approve. And having a label tied to you or worst rejection, after being caught, how they see you is changed. It would be different everyone did it, but then I guess it wouldn’t be cross dressing. Is this stating the obvious or just my reality?

[Alicia S]

Getting caught doesn't necessarily imply wrongdoing any more than getting caught in a game.
But even if it was implied, it's not only about what I think (I don't think I'm doing anything wrong) but what about the person doing the catching?

[Adriana Moretti]

I think its pretty obvious......if your in the closet, nobody wants to let out that secret, and disrupt life....I get it.....I'm half in the closet too at home. I dont feel guilty about CDing...but would rather not disturb the flow around the house (especially while the rent is free and the packages from DSW Shoes keep showing up ) ..I am on thin ice as it is...... On a weird note....some people get a rush out of getting caught....

[Ressie]

I think of getting 'caught' as in being trapped. Does this mean I'm trapped in my closet? Thought provoking Kate...

[Jenniferathome]

One can be "caught" when one is hiding something. Is it wrong? We certainly don't hide this part of ourselves because we are proud. We hide from fear. Fear of the unknown, embarrassment, public reactions, family reactions, etc.

[Stephaniew]

Society in general does not accept CD as normal behavior. Some people, myself included, have feelings of shame that doesn't fit into 'society" so we hide our who we are and keep it locked up. Getting caught can damage careers, hurt families, and destroy friendships. The biggest problem with society is not accepting people for who they are and labeling (degrading) others who are different then themselves. Shame we can't just get alone, and not judge others.

[Isabella Ross]

I no longer feel guilt or shame about being who I am. So, for example, I have no issues with SAs in stores, male or female, knowing that I'm shopping for myself. But because I live in a small community, and my life (and my wife's) would be so seriously disrupted, I obviously fear being outed or caught by a local...

[CONSUELO]

I think its pretty obvious......if your in the closet, nobody wants to let out that secret, and disrupt life....I get it.....I'm half in the closet too at home. I dont feel guilty about CDing...but would rather not disturb the flow around the house (especially while the rent is free and the packages from DSW Shoes keep showing up ) ..I am on thin ice as it is...... On a weird note....some people get a rush out of getting caught....

Good point. I remember reading posts on a different site in which members would talk about going out of the house to fetch the paper or mail and doing so in revealing clothing. Even though they described a fear of being caught, they kept on doing it and I wondered it they were getting a "rush" from their behaviour. This is an interesting topic in itself.

[Amanda M]

I am completely convinced that a large number of crossdressers subconsciously - or consciously WANT to be caught. What better way to assuage the guilt? I did not do anything, I was just found out!

[Krisi]

I do not think I am doing anything wrong by crossdressing, but the general public (society) does. That's why I try to avoid "getting caught".

Getting caught crossdressing can have serious consequences on marriages, family relationships, friendships and careers. I think that's why most of us conceal our crossdressing from others.

[Stephanie47]

Probably a better term would be "discovered." Yes, this forum frequently has threads using the terms suggesting cross dressing is wrong: "caught," "busted." I think many posters have just adopted the term when reporting a potential encounter with a person. I am an in-home cross dresser with a non-accepting spouse. In a DADT relationship I definitely choose to not be "discovered" in female attire because it will upset my wife and rekindle a discussion we had a long time ago. I really do not expect her to say "Honey, you look terrific all dolled up!"

I think most using the phrase "caught" are really using it in the context they do not want to have an adversarial discussion with anyone. Several years ago I overheard the next door family discussing seeing me en femme. I guess I was "discovered" en femme in my back yard. My privacy had been violated. I suppose they passed this information on to other neighbors, who really did not care.

I do not feel I am doing anything wrong. I know what I do is not something my wife understands or approves of. I know certain acquaintances would not be tolerant. I do not live in a vacuum. I have a wife who would have to deal with me being "discovered," "busted" or "caught" by others.

The usage of being "caught" may be appropriate when a cross dresser has established negotiated boundaries with his wife. If I had promised my wife that I would not venture out en femme and then she finds out I went strolling around town in wig, makeup,dress and heels I'd say I was "caught" breaking a promise.

Maybe the posters should use the term "discovered" or "observed" en femme rather than "caught" when appropriate

[Kitty215]

I don't believe we are doing anything wrong. With that said, I do fear being caught or discovered.i think for the same reason as most here have expressed, the reaction of family or friends and the potential situation they would be in. Society does not view crossdressers or transgender people as normal. The stigma is still attached, maybe someday I will come out to everyone and I may feel differently.

[Dianne S]

I think I went through the classical stages of thrill, fear, shame, guilt, disgust, purge, ... and restart. I suspect most CDers and trans people go through at least a couple of cycles of that. During those bad times, I would have been mortified to have been "caught".

Now I don't care. I'm transitioning, fully accepting of who I am, and out to some friends and all of my family. Still not out at work, but that will come.

[Katey888]

Kate - perhaps it's been so long that you've had utter harmony in your life you've forgotten the plight of us poor closeted folk... ;)

Is CDing wrong in and of itself? No.

Does most of society think it's weird and perverse? Probably...

To get 'caught' exposes this intimate aspect of our persona to others interpretation... We must be fetishists; sexual perverts; gay; wanting to be women... How many muggles will respond unprompted to the revelation someone they knows CDs with the answer: "Oh - you must be transgender then..." Doesn't happen...

So while many may be tolerant and understanding afterwards, the hiding, the furtive outings and the secret stash all allow us to be caught - discovered...

It's not wrong for us because it's part of us - It appears wrong to others because they don't have it as part of themselves! :thinking:

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

When I went for therapy years ago, it wasn't so much for myself as I didn't have a problem with CDing. It was normal for me. The reason I went to therapy was to try and figure out how to deal with friends and family who had a problem with it. I wasn't afraid of being "caught" they were afraid I would be and therefore the reflection on them.:)

[TessaOKC]

I actually told my wife before I got caught. Thinking back though, I did look forward to the day I did get caught. She has been so very supportive but our sex life has taken a turn for the worse.

[Allisa]

Doing something wrong? NO!! it took me almost 60 years to come to accept myself and my dressing as being part of me, I don't fear for myself but for my family, I can take the ridicule because frankly I just don't care anymore. I go out as myself dressed as I feel, from one end to the other and all points in between. When others pay my way than they can dictate my lifestyle. I have to end this reply my blood is starting to boil thinking about those that say I'm doing something wrong for what ever reason.

[lingerieLiz]

When I started it was illegal and meant JAIL time or the very least arrest. I think most of us have a desire to avoid disapproval which is still common among the general population. Even though I wear bras and blouses I sometimes feel uncomfortable whit men looking at my boobs.

[kimdl93]

Good point. If there's nothing wrong with CDing, one shouldn't have to hide. Now, that does not mean ones fear of being caught means that CDing must be wrong. On the other hand there are still people I choose not to share this part of my life with and I suppose would feel caught if we bumped into each other on the street.

[RachelPortugal]

It is not so much that you are "caught" crossdressing, but that you are caught in the act of a deception. Otherwise you would be "out" and nobody is being deceived.

I am sure that for some of us, there is an adrenalin rush associated with the risk of getting caught.

[LelaK]

We get caught violating a cultural taboo. The penalty is society goes ballistic on our a$$ and then goes into chaos and self-destructs.

Like the androids on Star Trek whose computer brains short-circuited in the face of illogic. See, that shows the value of illogic, as a weapon for self-defense against higher intelligence.

[Brenda456]

My wife just came home at an unexpected time. I was (am) wearing a dress and tights. She knows of my crossdressing but doesn't approve. So, I was "caught". It was a bit uncomfortable, but not horrible. She has seen me in a dress before. Our usual rule is that she texts me before coming home. This time she didn't. It is interesting that she didn't warn me. . .

[Taylor Ray]

We get caught violating a cultural taboo.

I agree with Lela and Rachel: it is more of the "semantic games" that the public/society unwittingly engage in. If our behavior violates hundreds of years of social norms, so too will the "penalty" be draconic.

For myself, I practice increasing my awareness of what is an old, archaic "message", infiltrating my cognitive state...and what is more grounding and real.

[litlejohn]

I have preteen son. For his social friends to find out what i do, would undoubtedly cause him anguish. Right or wrong That cannot happen. Therefore getting "caught" cannot and will not happen.

[immike]

I am very lucky I have been able to CD,in secrecy,for many years,without being caught by Mother or sisters.I started Cd ing,wearing mothers clothes,secretly after
she left for work.I would spend the morning dressing in her outfits,once in a while lifting a fresh,unopened pkg of her pantyhose,putting them on&dressing in one of
her good skirtsuits,with a pair of her heels

[Sarah Doepner]

It is not so much that you are "caught" crossdressing, but that you are caught in the act of a deception. Otherwise you would be "out" and nobody is being deceived.

I am sure that for some of us, there is an adrenalin rush associated with the risk of getting caught.

Many of us spend years and years keeping this to ourselves, trying to figure out what is going on and with luck we eventually accept and even embrace it. Getting caught compresses that multitude of years and trials and thoughts and misconceptions and understanding into a fraction of a second. Yeah, there should be a bit of adrenalin in that.

I'll play the word game for a moment. I believe it is a desired goal to not be caught, but to reveal. The idea there is to be in control of that firehose full of information and dribble it out in small servings that can be consumed and appreciated before the next sip. Getting caught means the firehose is on full and will knock someone off their feet and that tends to be a problem, usually resulting in grabbing the closest, most personal thing that will help stabilize the world and seeing deception as that handle is often first in that grip.

When you struggle with something complex and personal for a very long time, all on your own, there is the belief that being able to share it will ease that struggle. There can be a lot of frustration knowing it may take days/weeks/months/years for someone else to understand it, being caught gets it out there quickly. That frustration and the speed of being caught regardless of the results is one avenue that works for a few and doesn't take a lot of work up front. The controlled reveal takes more work up front, is much slower and has the potential to fail (still dealing with the deception issue) as well as to succeed.

There are a lot of stories out there and I haven't seen one that guarantees the same result for each of us in our own unique situation. I was caught, but I guess the years of being a loving and supportive spouse helped prepare her for that surprise. Other things I couldn't control, such as my wife's basic ability to integrate this new information into her existing knowledge of me and my personality. I was fortunate, but the deception thing never really went away, it just became a little less of an issue through time.

[Leahann]

I think being found out is a better term. Maybe not.

[Teresa]

Kate,
The first time my wife caught me she ran off to her sister in tears so to them I was obviously doing something wrong !
I've now made it clear that as it's something I was born with and will die with , I have stopped feeling guilty as something I'm doing wrong , it's part of me whether I like it or not !!

[Lorileah]

I guess we all know how Superman and 007 felt having to keep it secret

[Evelyn S]

I've never considered my CDing to be wrong and have never felt guilty doing it, even when I first started dressing while a preteen. Similar to what others here have mentioned, I stayed deep in the closet out of consideration of those around me and the fear of disappointing them, making them angry, or being teased and ridiculed.

I lived in fear of being caught when my wife did not know about my dressing, and when she did finally catch me, my fears came true: she was very disappointed and extremely angry. Fortunately she quickly came to accept my CDing and no longer feels dressing is wrong, and I no longer feel worried about being caught by her.