how comforetable are you with you?

[marsha leanne]

Kate Simmons thread of getting caught prompted this posting, thanks Kate.
How comfortable are you with you? not in the meaning of what clothes you choose or style you wear, but where you are on you journey? Are you fine where you are? how long did it take to feel comfortable? what to you IS comfortable?

I, like so many here, fought with guilt, anguish for a long time. i would dress, then rip everything off in disgust and brood about it. Then i moved on to being at ease dressing, but carried a guilt about it. Finally, (and these pages and wonderful gals here) helped me understand this part of me and let me move to a point that not only do i feel good about me dressing, i don't have to fight the guilt or shame of it.
Because there is no guilt or shame! it is how i am, how i like to be, and how my life is being lived.

I am comfortable with me at the point where i am. Yes it may not be to the level that some of my sisters here are, but for me, here and now, i am content, at peace with myself, and best of all, can look around and feel right at what i do, what i wear, and what my life is.

how comfortable are you?

[Nadine Spirit]

I am fairly comfortable with me. But I am not on a journey. To me a journey implies a start, middle, end. For me there was no clear start, I have just always been this way, and there is no end point, meaning there is no end goal of what I am wanting to achieve, other than accepting this is something I was born with.

I am fine with where I am. I just wish that 100% of my brain was fine with it. Sometimes I can hear the voices in my head ridiculing myself still! The voices are much quieter now and they don't hurt like they used to, but still I would prefer if they were 100% gone. Wishful thinking I suppose!

How long did it take to feel comfortable? I suppose I would need to answer what is comfortable first. So for that, for me comfortable is understanding that I am who I am, and that even though I am transgender, that is normal within the range of being human. So how long did it take me to come to this decision/place? I am currently 43, and I suppose I have been feeling good about myself for maybe the last 3-5 years. The rest of the time I felt like Captain Bizzaro!

[Jenniferathome]

Like Nadine, I am not on a journey. I am what I am and I know it will never be more than cross dressing occasionally. I am comfortable with that. I would have to relate that I became comfortable only after coming out to wife. I was never tormented or self-loathing about cress dressing but how can one be "comfortable" if one has to hide from the one you love? Prior to coming out, I was wanting to be comfortable.

[ashleymcculloch90]

I was born with the feeling of being in the wrong body. Started dressing at 3 (I'm 24 now). Although I was afraid of it until last year when I say a Facebook group that made me see that I'm not alone. Since then I have made a few mistakes and told my wife who was not ready for my hidden side (she is trying to understand at least)

But I am very comfortable with myself and getting better every day. I just wish that I did not have to fake my man self for those that don't understand, because that's the part that is fake and uncomfortable.

[Kandi Robbins]

I am still learning how to do all of this (after 48 years of purging, self-loathing and being very private about it), I recently admitted it to myself. Once I did that, I told my wife, stopped drinking cold turkey, stopped overeating, built a nice little wardrobe for now, stopped masturbating, became intimate with my wife in many ways (holding hands, talking, things I never did), dropped 12 pounds, stepped up my workouts, am eating healthy and have never been happier. Kandi was then "born" and I got involved with this forum, learning and making virtual friends. I'm in the process of possibly joining two support groups (things are on hold for the holidays). Don't know where this is all going, but I went from years of hating myself (crossdressing wasn't the only thing causing this) to literally singing like a lunatic everywhere I go. Right now, very comfortable. For the first time in a decade, my mind is clear. Life is good!

[Maria Blackwood]

I hate myself, but crossdressing has nothing to do with it. It's on my list of "neutral" things about myself, but I'm a casual CD.

Heck, wearing lingerie to bed cured a multi year sleep disorder.

[Lorileah]

ten times more comfortable than I was as a guy

[kimdl93]

If I broke it down by decades I'd say that the last decade I have grown progressively more comfortable with who I am than the many, many decades that preceded. I'm not quite where Lori is, in that I still feel obliged to present as male professionally and with business associates, with a few exceptions, and I maintain the same boundary with some family members, but not others. I suppose one day I will be past that last hangup and able to face the whole world as a woman.

[LelaK]

Well, I managed to bypass the guilt trips, so that helped a lot to lessen my discomfort. I was fairly comfortable being in drab most of the time until a couple years ago, I guess because I was doing somewhat interesting things most of my life.

My self-concept has transitioned toward male over the years, which conflicts with my identity as mostly female. So I'm not comfortable with that self-concept. I want it to align with my identity much better. I mean my preferred identity, not the one in my wallet. I want to be as pretty as I can be, but I'm fairly comfortable with the direction I'm going, though I might get derailed at any time. Not that a derailing would necessarily be too uncomfortable either.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I wish I knew... Stay tuned.

[forest]

LOvw who [I] am and looking forward to becoming more fulfilled as a lady. I cannot hold the past but reach to the future.

[Dianne S]

Very comfortable. Finally on the path to transition without any roadblocks.

[TessaOKC]

I was raised by my mom, nuff said. I'm 6'3" and have been tall since the 4th grade. Always been interested in dressing just thought I could never pull it off. Started dressing and realize I can pull it off. I now shave my legs, got my nipples pierced and slowly watched how my family reacted (never told them I dress) . I am very comfortable with myself but very uncomfortable wondering what they're thinking. Over time I have started to care a lot less and now I would just love to move from family so that worry doesn't exist at all. I am Bi and married to a wonderful supportive wife. In reality I would love to make the transition and live full time. Just so sad that it will never happen. Having children in the mix seals that deal. Yes I feel fake and like a cheat for not having the balls to just do what I want. Unfortunately societal rules dictate my fate!!!

[chrissy111]

I'm very comfortable with who I am. I have been out to my wife since before we were married, and she has always made me feel good about myself.

[Nikki A.]

I agree with Nadine that I don't consider it a journey, but more of an evolution. I reach one stage and then proceed to another level.
As far as being comfortable with dressing again it depends on the stage that I was at. I was comfortable dressing alone, but was uncomfortable in front of anyone else. Then it was in front of my wife, now, I feel comfortable going out in public. Someday I hope that I will be comfortable being completely open about my dressing and dress as I please.

[Tiffany Jane]

A little more each day and a lot more so than just a few years ago. As I have struggled in the past with the self-torment of what I perceived I was doing as wrong, although it seemed right at the time, I have come to realize I am not alone on this island. As many others have also mentioned, it has been here that many of my questions about myself have been revisited, maybe not answered, but at least put at ease. Things go from normal to different in a hurry sometimes, when the pink fog rolls in and you aren't ready for it. A lot of fog induced thoughts peak through the cloud and settle on your sub-conscience like soft droplets of dew, weighing down the fabric of one's mind. Also, with the openness of our relationship, now that the clothes and shoes are on my side of the closet, been there for about four months, I have realized that I can be comfortable around my wife but am still working on it. By myself, I am at ease, the feelings are not as guilt-ridden or motivated by other things, just me in a dress and heels or jeans and shirt.

As for a journey, never realized who I was could be such a ride. While it is an internal part of who I am, I don't anticipate getting off anywhere soon, so don't consider it a journey. More like a personal growth process, finding my insecurities and dealing with them in ways that many around me would chastise me for. But knowing the red toe nails under those men's size twelve are a part of my life that balances my total being is always something that makes me appreciate the support of my wife, all the widespread topics I have been opened to on this forum, and the Tiffany side of me that allows me to be a happy individual whomever I may look like to others.

In short, I consider my crossdressing as a split personality disorder more than a gender identity issue. Just have two people living in a body that appears male, acts male, but has many qualities that she brings out that many would consider otherwise unmanly. Oh well, I guess I just have to live with it, but it is fun when she wants to come out and be seen.

[Rachael Leigh]

Over this last year I began to become more comfortable with my dressing, I've gone out several times with confidence and now I know this is something that is just me. Am I totally comfortable no because it does have a very big effect on my marriage, it's a part that still needs work and no not from her but from me I know this will be an ongoing issue but I feel it will work out. We are all different, come from different back grounds and we all have to find that comfort zone.
I went thru a lot of guilt and at times still do. Someday I hope that goes away too

[Kate Simmons]

I'm good with being me as I'm in touch with all of my feelings and have made them my own. It doesn't matter how I'm dressed at any given time as the dressing has become a total choice and being in touch with my feelings has made me tend to be empathic towards others. That is the biggest benefit and caring about others as well. Not to say it wasn't a long ride getting here. Like many others I did purge after purge after purge over the years but finally realized purging solves nothing, not to mention being expensive. In any case I've realized it's driven by deep feelings for myself anyway. If I can help just one person to get in touch with their feelings all I've gone through to get to this point will have been well worth it. :battingeyelashes::)

[Kacey Black.]

Same as Nadine and Jennifer... Comfy as myself. Both of me. I'd like to get out more, but that will come in time. :)

[Angie G]

I've always been comfortable with my dressing. Even more so that my wife knows I dress.:hugs:
Angie

[Babbs]

Very...I love me, who do you love?? but not comfortable to come out to everyone as I've lived too long as all male to have to explain why to 1001 people that I occasionally dress female.

[Nadya]

I love my crossdressing side but I still have trouble overcoming the guilt associated with it. I know I really shouldn't but it's easier said than done. Glad you are comfortable with all aspects. :)

[flatlander_48]

A few months ago my LGBT group at work brought in a speaker for a lunchtime event. She was a transexual woman who is in the fairly early stages of transitioning. After the event, in a private conversation, I told her that I am a bisexual crossdresser. She asked if I was comfortable with that, and I hesitated before finally answering Yes. But, I was lost for an explanation as to why I hesitated.

After a couple of weeks of occasional rumination, it finally occurred to me what the issue was. No One had ever asked me that before. It was a completely new thought. But, upon further thought, this is what I figured out:

When I was a kid (pre-teen and somewhat before), I did realize that I was "different". I never wanted to play with dolls or anything like that, but I was completely fascinated by women's clothing and undergarments. I don't remember getting caught wearing anything, but it may have happened because at some point these desires were deeply suppressed. But, even through this, I never felt that I was in the wrong body. Or put another way, I never felt that I was a girl who should grow into womanhood. Anyway, time went on and I went to college, graduated, got married, bought a house, had kids, etc.

Around 1990 I finally began to put some effort into understanding my spin on sexuality. It seemed to me that I was gay and I settled into that thought process. After 7-8 years, it occurred to me that bisexuality represented a much better fit for how I viewed things. As I settled into that, it felt better still. Along about 2001 I started underdressing a bit and over time, one thing led to another. I realized that I liked the sensation of being dressed and it reminded me of how I felt as a kid about various soft and wonderfully sensuous materials. As I dressed more, it felt like this was the missing piece.

So, that's the chronology and what I learned was that at each stage I felt more and more comfortable. I still don't have any real desire to transition as that wouldn't really be "me". But, every time I fully dress, I do recognize that there is something that happens in the process as I'm doing makeup. It's like I'm unlocking this other part of me. I don't have to be DeeAnn all the time, but it is important that I am DeeAnn some of the time. As the man said: Everything in moderation.

And yes, I am comfortable with where things are for me. I recognize that I am a transgender person and that's OK. I am good with this skin and don't desire to be in another. Further, I wouldn't so much describe it as a journey. It is more like a meandering. There are thresholds to cross, forks in the road to be selected and there are decisions to be made. Some I have sought out; others happen on their own timetable. I just try to stay relaxed and figure it out as it comes.

[Kacey Black.]

I love my cross-dressing side but I still have trouble overcoming the guilt associated with it.

Elaborate?

[MisterEgurl]

What a great question! Honestly, I feel like I know myself entirely. I don't especially love myself, but I like myself and the things I do enough to stick around. If I didn't like myself, who would?

[talonX]

“Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different...”
― C.S. Lewis

I'm going through some changes, and frankly I'm not completely sure who I am right now, but I'm working on figuring it out. I think for a while I let myself get pushed in a direction I didn't want to go in, but now I'm trying to course correct. Embracing my feminine side is a big part of that. Before, I was content to be who I am in the privacy of my home, but not so much outside the door, and I don't want that to be the case anymore.

[Ms. Laura]

I am increasingly comfortable with the fact that I am somewhere on the spectrum. I'm increasingly comfortable with presenting as female. But not so comfortable as to where on the spectrum I fall and this leads to a lot of inner turmoil.

That said, I still feel foolish and hideous some days, but fewer.

[Adriana]

I've come to love who I am and decided some time ago that this is who I am and I should embrace this portion of me. Also, coming out to my SO several years ago has helped tremendously.

[DebbieL]

I'm transsexual. Prior to transition, I hated looking in the mirror, especially a full length mirror. I screamed when my grandfather would try to shave my head, I hated buying boys clothes and frequently got lost in the girls' department or women's wear.
Dressing was just one expression of being a girl, but an important one. People often made fun of my because I was too feminine, calling me Sissy or Tinkerbell or Fairy, which I actually liked, but hated the violence that came with the names.

When I was able to dress and pass effectively, I was happy, healthy, and even enjoyed seeing my reflection in the mirror or a window.

When I was NOT able to dress, I hated myself as Rex, even the sight of my body, gained huge amounts of weight, and even came close to death a few times via drug overdoses, heart attacks, and strokes.

When I went back to dressing, I got healthy, lost weight, and loved my body and liked myself as Debbie.
Now that I have transitioned, have changed my name and gender legally, and my wife loves Debbie even more than she loved Rex, I am looking forward to a long and happy life.

[BouncyBouncy]

Here's the thing. I LIKE being out of my comfort zone. For me, it's where adventure happens. It's where lessons are learned. It's where enlightenment may be reached.
I completely acknowledge and respect that not everyone feels this way, especially as everyone's crossdressing/trans feelings and needs are made up completely differently and uniquely.

I'm a performer. Performance comes from truth. I've crossed dressed since I was a kid, and while it's been an insanely weird journey, I've recently got to the point of not only accepting, but CELEBRATING
the fact that I'm a male who loves being a male, but utterly relishes the capacity to dive headfirst into the feminine side of my extreme personality. This is the truth to who I am. I want to be, to feel, to experience
the other, to stretch myself and take risks and explode in all directions at once.

Cross dressing is out of the ordinary, it confuses people, it offends people, it confronts people. It isn't dangerous, but the fear of being misunderstood or rejected can feel like a loaded gun, ready to fire on a hair trigger
at any moment.

I am taking control of the gun.

I'm firing it into the air like an exultant cowgirl, filled with the light and fire of success and adventure and the thrill of the ride.



Who's with me?

xx

[Suzanne F]

I am feeling so much more comfortable. I only have to be Brent in front of customers or when I have to appear in the office. 75 % of the time I am myself, Suzanne. It took 49 years to get here. Yet only in the last 2 have I actually uttered the truth to anyone else on this planet. Tonight I was at my son's orchestral concert at his school. He was so proud to have me there as me! He got there in 6 months!
Suzanne

[Eringirl]

Interesting thread. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Not very comfortable with myself at this time, but for me, this is a journey. Status quo is not going to work, so moving towards what will, albeit at a snail's pace, or so it feels. I don't experience the "pink fog", but do experience the "blue smog". I don't get excited or exhilarated as Erin, I just feel normal and right and happy to go on with my daily life. But in drab, I get in a deep funk, can't look in a mirror without feeling awful. Don't like the clothes, how I look, my face (due to beard) etc. But as Erin, I am fine. So, no, I guess I am not comfortable with myself. But having said that, I am working on it and putting together a game plan to get to a place where I will be comfortable. That is my light at the end of the tunnel. Just trying to make sure it isn't an oncoming train!! ;)

My :2c: (Canadian - anyone still got change for a nickel?) worth.

Erin

[gender_blender]

I've always been happy to be me, never questioned my feelings and never purged of my wardrobe.

[slamddoger]

that is good qusten to comfortable whith your salf is like going on jouney to fine your salf some time you have good days and some time you have bad days

[Savannah_Skye]

I am comfortable now but like many here took me a while though I still have guilt days :sad: but still young enough to enjoy the rest of my life. I have days where I feel more TS (I seriously considered transitioning for a while). Started dressing at five and loved it though over the years on tried to repress and deny it which only led to guilt, shame and anxiety...so bad I couldn't sleep at night. Luckily, I have an accepting wife and started to grow a support network, so I feel more comfortable or at least on the right track:).

I guess what makes it uncomfortable is having to fit in at work or with friends or family who would not be accepting :sad:. I feel like I'm concealing myself, lying to others etc and sometimes that makes it hard to operate and I am not always sure what to do about that.

[Ally 2112]

To me it has also been a evoloution or a progression to where i am at today .It has not been easy but im finaly getting to a point where i am way more comfortable with myself each time i dress

[Taylor Ray]

I am so happy you are starting to feel more comfortable. I struggled with this lifestyle my whole life because society (manifesting as the people I interacted with, and social institutions such as schools and work environments) always sent me the message that

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU PERVERTED SINNER!

So there was always shame and hiding. In a lot of ways, I am starting to think that the phenomenon of "coming out of the closet" has serious psychological dimensions, not just social ones. There may be a healing effect.

[briana_betancourt]

The more that I feel comfortable in my own skin, the less comfortable I end up being.

Just last month, I went out en femme for the first time after a lifetime of closeted dressing. It was the most liberating feeling of my life, but also confusing to me at the same time. I feel that, whether it be good or bad, this has opened up an entire Pandora's box with my comfort level in my own skin. Ugh.

[devida]

I am more comfortable with myself today than I have ever been. I am not sure how much this is due to accepting being transgender, my sheer delight in wering clothes that I like, as opposed to clothes I am meant to wear, and how much it is due to surviving and recovering from a terminal diagnosis, an experience that made me extremely grateful and happy for just having a me to feel comfortable with.

I do think my feeling of being happy with where I am comes from realizing that there's no point in thinking that I will be happy when I finally get to wherever it is that I think I should be. It isn't that I don't think I am on a journey, just that I like the travelling far more than the fantasy of where I think I will be some day in the future when I arrive there.

Also I really don't care what anybody else thinks. My wife and children, and my friends, love me as I am. Why would I question them? They are all just happy that I am still here, and so am I.

[MsVal]

This is a very good, very philosophical question.

I am on a journey to a destination unknown. GD is the bus driver, and she has no map. I'm not certain that I will recognize the end when I get there, but I'm enjoying the ride,

With the help of a therapist I am learning to accept myself. Liking myself may come later.

Best wishes
MsVal

[CynthiaD]

I've progressed beyond mere comfort. I am pleased, delighted in fact, to be who I am. Over the years I have engaged in all manner of self-destructive behavior. When I think back, I often think that if I had done more crossdressing and less "whatever" I would have been sooo much better off.

[Isabella Ross]

Incredibly comfortable...but I think I little honesty, revelation and maturity has helped with that.

[victoria76]

I, too felt guilty while doing this in the past...
Lately however, especially since finding this site, I have lost the guilt entirely and feel quite comfortable with this!
I am amazed at how many members here experience and feel things so similar to myself. This site has helped a lot!
It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this!

[heather ann martin]

I'm very comfortable now I can live as the woman I've longed to be all my life. The nightmare of trying to be a "man" is long gone. My only regret is that I was never in a position to start living full time when I was a lot younger.

[Marcelle]

I am very comfortable at this point in time. While I still consider myself TG/CD I prefer to think of my "femme side" as just part of who I am no different from my guy side. So I am at a point where I don't hide who I am and am very open to those around me (family, friends and work). So I would say "just comfortable being me".

Hugs

Isha

[GeauxStacy]

It has taken a lot of soul searching, but about two months ago I finally started to feel comfortable about this side of me. Comfortable enough to let friends and family know? No. But that is my choice and I am happy with that choice. I may tell them one day but right now I am happy with my life the way it is. :)

[Claire Cook]

I am at least as comfortable dressed as a woman as I am dressed as a man, perhaps more so. But really it has been accepting and embracing my TG that has broadened my comfort zone, and I seem to feel that in all aspects of my life, no matter what I am wearing.

[flatlander_48]

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this!

This is a key point and can't be emphasized too much. It is the power of Community. Whenever people come together around a shared activity, thought process, etc. it has the tendency to move all forward. And, we can't all be depressed at the same time. Somebody is always in a good mood and not stuck in their stuff, and it has the effect of pulling the rest along. My wife is a member of a couple of spinal cord injury forums and it is the same thing. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

[pajeantv]

I have never been, and most likely with never be happy with who or what I am, I am not in a position that I can explore either side of me, I'm not happy as a girl, and miserable as a guy. My future is dim at best, I live in an area that would stone me to death if they knew. and I don't have the means to move. I am in a horrible marriage, to a woman that is homophobic and down right bigoted. She thinks people like me should all be put on an island in the middle of no where, and i'm not sure that is where I should be... I envy those that have been able to enjoy their lives, male or female.

[ShelbyDawn]

I am completely comfortable with who and where I am. With the help of an amazing therapist, I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with me.
Dealing with the external influences on my life that cause me to choose to temper my desired behavior is somewhat inconvenient sometimes but it really has nothing to do with what and how I think and feel about myself.

[Jaymees22]

I feel comfortable with where I am right now. Like others I saw a therapist and got some insight into my behavior. I have also dialed back a few of my activities. We may feel comfortable with ourselves but we have to make sure those around us are also comfortable. Hugs Jaymee