Christmas parties.

[I Am Paula]

This has been a hectic week. It seems all the Christmas parties I have been invited to fell in the last seven days. The majority of my friends are 50+ women, as am I. The parties went from a very dressy (but not long dresses formal) to afternoon get-togethers over wine and cheese.
I met tons of new people, and got a chance to chat with most.
Through the coarse of it all, my gender, or transition, was never ever questioned. No long looks, no 'What is it?' expressions. I just fit in, and the conversation carried on.
Why do I find this surprising? I am my own worst critic. I STILL see guy in the mirror. My best friends, my doctor, and lots of people I should believe, say that when they see me, all they see is a 56 year old woman. I don't pass perfectly, I KNOW this, but people see enough markers, that even up close in a social situation, I'm treated as who I am. Perhaps they go home after a party and joke about the tranny. I don't know. I can spot a transgender person (usually) across the room, so I assume everybody else can.
Is this leading up to a question...not really? I'm deliriously happy with my life, maybe I should just stop questioning these matters, but that's harder than it sounds.
Interestingly, I DO get some odd looks when I mention I have a wife. Do people consider a same sex marriage stranger than my being trans?

Happy Holidays everyone, you are all beautiful.

P.S. My sister teaches Yoga, and her class attracts about 20 people. This week, it included 2 MtF, and a FtM. None of whom knew each other. Small world.

[celeste26]

I live in the Pacific Northwest and there is a general acceptance of TG people. I too get the same questioning faces when talking about my wife. Gay couples here are hardly rare but still, I have yet to have any sort of traumatic encounter while out on my own. My boss knows three different TG people so her "awareness" level is high already.

[Jorja]

Come on Paula, get with the program! :)

Yes, it is hard to live the life you have always wanted. After years of being that other person it is natural to question every step along the path. You are correct in saying you should just stop questioning these matters. What is, is. Just be Paula and learn to enjoy it.

[DebbieL]

I keep having a hard time believing it, but most people don't even see a transgender woman anymore, they just see a nice older woman. Most people think I'm much younger than I am, but they don't see male at all.
One of the nice things about being 50++ is that I don't have to be the most beautiful woman in the room. I just have to be reasonably dressed and moderate make-up. I still see the boy but nobody else does.

I spend Christmas with my wife's family, and they like Debbie SO much better than Rex, because "she's real". Rex was a mask and people were aware of it, they just didn't know what was being hidden.
I haven't been going to a lot of Christmas parties this year, but I have been to church and other social functions, and I only rarely experience even the slightest hint of anything other than acceptance.
When I went to my College and High School reunions, there was no surprise at seeing Debbie. In fact, several friends I had known as girls, just nodded and said "finally figured out who you really are!".
Some of these women I had known since 2nd grade, and they made it clear that they had always known I was a girl, and couldn't figure out why I didn't just join the girls.

I do get the odd looks when I mention my wife as well. I often refer to her as "my other half", "the boss", or "my honey" and then refer to her as "Lee", which is her name. Often people will think
that I'm talking about Lee - a man - and only when I mention "she" or "my wife" does it dawn on them that I'm a lesbian. If they figure out that gay marriage wasn't legal in 2006, I show them my favorite wedding photo. I'm next to my wife, in a tux, with a Goti (Lee liked it because I couldn't dress when I had it, and at didn't scratch). I've been full-time for about 18 months now. Before that I was 120hrs/week for a year. Like Paula, I love my life today, and I actually look forward to a long and happy life.

[I Am Paula]

My family recognizes that Paul was an act, and like Paula much better. I do too.

[kimdl93]

I'm glad you're Fitting in and happy with life. Sooner or later you're mind will accept that this is your new, and wonderful normal.

[Michelle789]

and they like Debbie SO much better than Rex, because "she's real". Rex was a mask and people were aware of it, they just didn't know what was being hidden.

That's exactly what my friends all said about me too. They thought Michelle was real and that other guy was just a mask, but they didn't know what I was hiding, but they felt like I was always stiff and keeping some big secret.

[Beth-Lock]

Yes Paula, it is a real problem, more for some trans than others, and perhaps none at all, for some trans.

For something a little different but similar in a way: Some people, not at all trans, feel phony when they succeed in life, and get important jobs, some books having been written on the phenomena. Some call it the impostor syndrome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome

I also remember a friend, just graduatd from university who worked as a supply teacher, as he transitioned in his attitude, at first finding the antics of the students in trying to mock the system, act up, etc., amusing. Soon, that wore off, and he started to adopt the attitude of a real teacher towards these bothersome hijinks. A change in roles, from a high school student, which he had been a mere three years before, to an adult teacher, took a bit of getting used to. It is natural.

The pyschology of how we as trans, forget our pasts, is rarely discussed in trans circles. I am not denying that those who feel they always were women, were not. But we have all lived as men before, to some degree adapting and adjusting to it then, poorly in many ways perhaps. Our past, is, however, perceived as a major objection of some men, for choosing us as a romantic partner. They want a woman who has been completely brought up as a woman.

Even in my case, when I was kissed by a man, as just a normal social gesture, not a romantic one, it gave me a bit of a pause. I think most trans have the opposite issue. I noticed another transwoman, once, who wanted to be kissed socially, but even a supportive man, shyied away from it, (though he was far from being a shy man). My first kiss incident was kind of like the first time, a man rushed to an outside door ahead of me, to open it for me, the night at a Halloween costume dance, when I first learned I could really pass as a woman, (before I went full-time). For a few minutes, I wondered what on earth he had been up to. I did not feel phony in those cases, yet it took a moment to get used to it. It would have meant quite different things before -- I obviously remembered things, from my life as a man, (when I had been living as a man), and felt momentarily, perhaps the old feelings sending me an error message, now obolete and no longer appropriate..

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, I could have written the same thing. When I am around others, I am in disbelief. When I go home and start thinking about it, tears come to my eyes. When I ask close friends, they say why should they act differently. When I talked with my older sister, she said "shut up and be a woman already".

So Paula, Shut up and be a woman already! :D

I really get it.....

[Eryn]

...I just fit in, and the conversation carried on.

Congratulations, you have arrived!


Why do I find this surprising? I am my own worst critic. I STILL see guy in the mirror.

Join the club! Believe it or not, the club has a lot of GG members who also dwell on their least-liked features.


My best friends, my doctor, and lots of people I should believe, say that when they see me, all they see is a 56 year old woman. I don't pass perfectly, I KNOW this, but people see enough markers, that even up close in a social situation, I'm treated as who I am. Perhaps they go home after a party and joke about the tranny. I don't know. I can spot a transgender person (usually) across the room, so I assume everybody else can.

Somewhere along the line I'm sure that some friend has cracked a joke about you outside of your presence. I'll also bet that you've cracked some jokes at your friends' expense outside of their hearing. That's what people do.

You can spot TG people across the room, but your friends aren't looking for TG people like we are. It isn't even in their consciousness.

To your friends, you are you. They may know of your past but they are showing their acceptance of you in the way they interact with you.

I think that the hardest person to convince about our true gender is ourselves. We go from "No way can I do this." to "Maybe I can do this." to "I'm doing this." Somewhere along the way we forget to convince ourselves.


Is this leading up to a question...not really? I'm deliriously happy with my life, maybe I should just stop questioning these matters, but that's harder than it sounds.


You're right, but it does get better with time!