The Best Advice I've Ever Given

[windycissy]

My Internet advice column, Ask Windy Cissy (http://snurl.com/askwindy), usually deals with superficial subjects like "Help Me Talk Like a Woman?" and "How Should I Shave My Legs?"

Well, yesterday I got a question that really threw me: a single mom confided that her son has been dressing up in her clothes, and asked me what she should do about it. Two years ago, when she caught her son dressed up, she grounded him, and now he is at it again.

This is way out of my depth, but I had to try to help them. I told her the words I would have wanted to hear if I had been her son:

"I've always been bothered by the way I reacted when I saw you dressed up that time. Please, let me finish: I've done some reading, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to experiment. In fact, I think it's kind of cool. Some day, will you let me help you dress up? You would make such a pretty girl, and I can help buy your own things, so you wouldn't have to try on my frumpy old clothes. Do you want to try it sometime, just for me?"

I just got another email from her. She took my advice, and after some hemming and hawing, he agreed to let her dress him up. Not only that, after she gave him a makeover and dressed him from head to toe, "she was stunning" and they went out to dinner! Her son opened up to her like never before, and tomorrow they are going to go shopping.

This is all for real. I feel a tremendous responsibility for what is happening. Sure hope I did the right thing....

Windy

[Kassandra]

I'm so proud of you Windy! Way to go!

[Louise]

That's a truly remarkable story, almost a fairy tale....[sorry no pun intended] I think your comments to the mother could of had the opposite effect...........but all seemed to turn out fine. My only concern would be how is this 'girlfriends' type of relationship going to effect her son in his future relationships with other women.....:rolleyes: lulu.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It's great to see one person can make a difference. :thumbsup:

[eleventhdr]

It should be!. It's to bad that it has taken this long for parents to get this message tht it does not really matter how one is inside and or outside just that you love them and show it by letting them be hiw they want to or must be> if and when one is wanting to be a feminine boy or a boyish girl what is the big deal maybe that's how and where it is suppose to be. One si made this wasy before one is even born and so fi and when ones comes out and really wants to be the other then so let it be it is not going to end the world if it turns out this way indeed it will be a very much better world all around when we just really do let it be just this way. I know for me had it been very much different then i would not have and stuff would have been very different. But alas it was not that way back then unfortuatly. OH well maybe we will get there yet we can but hope and pray tha it will be so. Maybe it is finally going that way now. We will yet see. Hmmm!. Suzy!.

[TaraB]

i think the letter was fake by some CD who had alterior motives. life just isn't that easy. It doesn't go from ewww yuck my son wants to wear womens clothes to the next day "hey son...err daughter lets go get mochas and go shopping at Bebe and get makeovers"

never would happen like that.

ever.

but with that said and the extremely small chance its actually a truthful request for help...i'm not sure i agree with that response. This is an extremely delicate situation ESPECIALLY with children involved. The 1st thing i'd have done is advise the mother to take her son to see a group therapist who specializes in these situations. I really can't see the mom doing a complete turn and being like "sure son...let me make you into my beautiful daughter and all life will be rosey"......because it most definitly will not. I would advise her to try to listen to him....understand him....and explain the reason for a good therapist who is unbiased in a situation like this.

Its just my opinion though.

[Helen MC]

My Jury is still out on this one.

Personally I was lucky when living and dressing at the family home as I was never caught, probably because I took stringent security precautions, only fully dressed when I knew my parents and my big sister were going to be away for a while, and of course there were plenty of panties to share with a mum and teenaged sister that it was never noticed that a pair or two were "missing" that is being worn by myself and I returned them to the laudry basket before I took another pair to wear. If Mum or Anne did know then they never let on nor did anything about it.

So if a mother discovers her teenaged son crossdressing how is she likely to react? For a single mother, widow, divorcee, it is easier as only she has to make the decision especially if there are no other children. It will be more complex if there is a husband and other kids in the family as the effect on them will need to be taken into account. Another factor will be be Religion or lack of it. In a strict Christian, Jewish, Islamic family there is likely to be far less tolerance than in an easy going one or where Religion is only nominal if there is any at all.

So what is likely to happen in REAL life? If she actually encounters her son in female clothing she can't simply turn a blind eye as she could if only circumstantial evidence was available, e.g. a pair of panties or a bra found in his bedroom etc. She would have to react in some way, the worst being the bloody great row and confrontation , the best acceptance and even assistance in his dressing en-femme. Most likely will be some situation between these two extremes.

As to the dressing him up totally as a girl with make up etc , this could happen in some cases not as a welcome acceptance by the mother of having "lost a son but gained a daughter" but possibly for the opposite reason. Those of us who smoked when we were kids were aware of fathers who catching their lads having a smoke would make them smoke a stronger cigarette or a cigar in the hope it would make them nauseous and sick and put them off smoking , at least until they were older. Perhaps that would be the hidden agenda but I too feel that this outcome seems to be too much of the "Happy Ending" found in some of the CD/TV Fantasy websites.

I do know that had I been caught as a teenager even merely wearing my big sister's knickers under my ordinary "drab" boy's clothing , it would have gone badly for me at the hands of my parents! I certainly would NOT have been allowed to dress in Anne's skirts and dresses. Of course this was England in the mid 1960s to early 1970s not these more "liberal" days.

Whatever the situation the last thing I would suggest is involving "Counsellors" , "Psychiatrists" etc. This may be a cultural difference between the USA and the UK, but over here such so-called experts are viewed with suspicion as are those who consult them. We would rather sort things out for ourselves . I understand that in the States to attend an "Analyst" is as commonplace as going to the Doctor or Dentist or Optometrist (Optician), whereas over here if anyone admitted attending a "Shrink" they would be considered a bit "odd" and treated with suspicion.

[GypsyKaren]

Good for you, Windy! I know that you're a very compassionate human being, she's lucky she found you!

GypsyKaren

[Julie York]

i think the letter was fake by some CD who had alterior motives. life just isn't that easy. It doesn't go from ewww yuck my son wants to wear womens clothes to the next day "hey son...err daughter lets go get mochas and go shopping at Bebe and get makeovers"

never would happen like that.

ever.
Its just my opinion though.

Yeah...it's mine too. And then they all went out to dinner!.....yeah right!

[tammie]

Hi All: Windycissy, I know there R always skeptics, but I think U were right to trust this request for help to be sincere so if the letter was fake it doesn't matter really. As far as "that isn't real, life isn't like that" I beg to differ. If U can think of the most bizarre scenario possible it has happened countless times. The veracity of my personal experience has been questioned, as not having happened, but it did and I am the better for it.

I was 14yo home alone a lot. I tried on my older sisters Vassarette black lacecup underwire bra and if fit me like I had been measured for it. Soon I was talked to by my mom and made to promise not to take or wear my sister's lingerie. Several weeks later I was desperate. I went to my mom's lingerie drawer and got; bra LLPG garterbelt/stockings and slip and I was off to the races. About 2 weeks later wearing some simular ensemble I was confronted by my mother while dressed in her lingerie. To my amazement there was no screaming or hateful words or name calling, but she did make me take off her lingerie and give it to her. She could see the degree of enjoyment/arrousal first hand at that time. Her first step was to ask for advise from a friend of hers who was a mental health professional. That womans advise to my mom was: get him his own linigerie and forget it. She did just that and there by kept me out of trouble.

Many young teen boys will be driven by their CD compulsion to steal lingerie and get in trouble either by stealing a neighbor's, or mom's friend's, or stranger's clothing, or shoplifting. All can have bad lasting effects for the young person. Good on U for taking the time and believing the person asking for help was sincere. Better to be "joked" than to miss an opportunity to help a mother with her son.

[erica12b]

way to go ,it was good advice, would like to here more good storyes, that have good endings, too many are not good endings

[kathy gg]

Windy,

Hmm, I am gonna say that when things sound too good to be true, they usually are. Just think of it like this, how often does a a wife of a cd go from hating crossdressing to being ready to go shopping and out with their guy in the course of a week? The reality is it is very very rare. I mean, I have seen women go from being confused/shocked/scared to eventual acceptance, but in a week or even a month? It just does not usually work that way. There are always acceptions to the rule, but we are talking one out of a thousand.

I think your advice was kind and obviously the best you can offer, being that you are also a crossdresser.

I actually have had "women" contact me to join the Yahoo group for SO's that I run who claim their child has crossdressed and such. Usually two different scenarios happen. I highly discourage them from joining a group like ours becuase the women in the group are in a completely different situation, you can't offer the same advice to a parent that you would to one's lover. I usually recomend they contact the IFGE website which has gender therapists in their area, also give them the link to PFLAG, which is a parental support orgazniation for parents of gay/lesbian/trans teens and children. Again parents of trans have completely different things to consider than the wife of a crossdresser.

So what is the second scenario? usually the person is just a crossdresser trying to get into the group I run. Once I send them the links to the real support groups I get such a tall tale of "acceptance". They go from sounding disaproving of crossdressing to sounding like they are ready to enroll their son in a new school as their "duahgter" and then again ask to join my group. I guess they think if they sound really into this I will let them join. Comical really.

Anyway, as I said, i think you were very kind and offered heartfelt advice. As to if the advice you offered was "right" or "wrong" ....I think usually a real Mom would be able to come to some sort of logical conclusion without asking advice from a complete stranger. {and please dont' take that the wrong way}.

There are sooooo many books on the shelves on parenting the different age groups, and usually all good resources will cover gender questioing/sexual orientation things that parents might encounter. Geesh, even the book I have "What To Expect: The Toddler Years" talks about things like this breifly!

Anyway, that is just my longish two cents on the issue...

[Deanna2]

When I read the original post I thought 'hey, fantastic - we should all that lucky'. But then I like to get sentimental and go all mushy. However, a little cynicism can bring us all down to earth.

[windycissy]

Have I been had? I suppose it's possible....one thing I haven't mentioned is that I've gotten maybe 10 emails from the mom since I gave her my initial advice, asking me follow-up questions and giving me details about what was happening. In my post I skimmed over what went down when they had "the conversation" but as she related it to me afterwards, he tried to shrug it off at first, then pretended to reluctantly go along, and it was only after they had some wine together after she helped dress him up (I scolder her for that!) they decided to drive to a restaurant 30 miles from their home. She woke up with a big hangover the next morning and a lot of second thoughts and regrets, but she is still asking me for advice. I may be a total fool, but my instinct is to try to help her and her son, so if the joke's on me so be it.

To read her question and my answer in their entirety, go to Ask Windy Cissy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)

[Louise]

Hi Windy, i think you were put in a corner, and gave the ideal solution [as you saw it at the time].............reading between the lines , as is my wont, i think the mothers request to you for help smacks of guilt.......i think it's possible she got an unexpected buzz from the situation and exploited it to the detriment of her son's mental state then and in future life..............I think it might of been more honest of her to say...'I've exploited my son's needs for my own gratification'...........I don't know +?

[TaraB]

i still think its fake. I think its a CD who gets a thrill off this idea and the more you respond the more he gets thrilled by it. fuel for the fire. The whole drinking wine thing makes it even more obvious that its a made up story.

just like in most typical CD situations the person telling the story will just keep pushing the bounderies of what they say happened in order to get some sort of thrill out of it.

it will become painfully obvious how made up the whole thing is by each corresponence as the tales grow bigger.

[Katie Ashe]

:cheer: I wish everone was as supportive as that lady.The way I see it, one more step torwards world peace. Good on you. Hopefully someday she will "Pay it Forward" too. :thumbsup:

[Sharon]

i still think its fake. I think its a CD who gets a thrill off this idea and the more you respond the more he gets thrilled by it. fuel for the fire. The whole drinking wine thing makes it even more obvious that its a made up story.

just like in most typical CD situations the person telling the story will just keep pushing the bounderies of what they say happened in order to get some sort of thrill out of it.

it will become painfully obvious how made up the whole thing is by each corresponence as the tales grow bigger.

Maybe, maybe not. Even if this particular person is serving up a tall tale though, Windy's advice could well prove invaluable to another.

I think you replied very well, Windy. Well done! :)

[Lady Katherine]

Fake or not, is the advice given by Cissy the best? Honestly, I don't know, since each child engaging in crossdressing is doing it for a different reason. I know when I have chatted with persons saying they are teen CDs or boys wanting to be girls I try to be so careful NOT to encourage them. Rather, my advice ALWAYS has been to seek a good education, develop a skill and try to find their own strong personality so that as they grow older they will have the freedom to express themselves in any way they see fit.

Crossdressing or transitioning is so difficult a road; sometimes the best route is to try to be the best man you can be, while treating crossdressing as a sweet aside to life. Of course, for some of us, that's not possible; the desire to be female is too strong.

The quest in my mind is to become a total human being, and that differs from person to person.

[windycissy]

Yesterday Sharon (the mom) bit my head off for preaching about smoking and drinking. I sensed she was having a bad day, so I backed off. Today she wrote to apologize, and told me things that lead me to believe that this is all real. I did enourage her to seek professional help for her son/daughter - this is way over my head - and she agreed. From what I've heard, her son appears to be a hetrosexual crossdresser with self-esteem issues. Who knows, a shrink may conclude that he's a candidate for transition, but I doubt it. Anyway, his mom is much closer to him than before, and he has his own wardrobe to dress up in now. They both seem to be in a state of shock over the events of the weekend....

Ask Windy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)

[Amelie]

Very nicely done Windy. In your heart you know you did the right thing and gave the best advise you could.

[Kimberly]

Remarkable!! What a turn around... and they went out to dinner!?! MADNESS! (I wouldn't do that with my folks! Shop yes, dinner en femme? Is the world coming to an end?!)

xx

[windycissy]

Any lingering doubts I had about whether this was real or not have been laid to rest, at least as far as I'm concerned. Sharon (the mom) sent me pictures of her son, before and after, including a picture of the two of them having dinner together. This is real, and her son (he calls himself Katie) makes a gorgeous girl! He is so happy now that he can dress up whenever he wants to without fear or guilt. They are going to seek professional advice, which makes me feel very relieved. He seems like a great kid and his mom is just amazing. Windy

[Cathy Anderson]

To be honest, Cissy, I think that was really bad advice. It's one thing, and maybe a good thing, for a parent to communicate to a child, "there's nothing wrong per se with you having the interests you have. It doesn't make you a bad or strange person."

But it's quite another thing for the mother to actively participate in dressing the boy. There's no telling what kind of complexes and confusions that might create.

You don't know what the situation is: whether the child is inter-sexed, transexual, a developing crossdresser, or just a confused kid. You don't know if some abnormal family emotions might be going on. It isn't unheard of for a mother to harbor an unconscious wish to feminize her son, because she feels oppressed by men and wants to get even; if so, you just played right into it.

I hope you don't do that again.

Cathy

[Maria D]

Cathy, there's no telling what any action's reaction will be. (Ok, unless your name is Newton.)
I think the advice was sound, but should have contained the message to seek professional help. If this had happened to me when I was a child, it would have saved 20 years of pain.
A lot of confusion comes about because a child is compelled to do something it is told is wrong, and having a supportive parent can help ease that confusion and aid clear decision making.
That's my thought anyway.
xxx

[MsJanessa]

To be honest, Cissy, I think that was really bad advice. It's one thing, and maybe a good thing, for a parent to communicate to a child, "there's nothing wrong per se with you having the interests you have. It doesn't make you a bad or strange person."

But it's quite another thing for the mother to actively participate in dressing the boy. There's no telling what kind of complexes and confusions that might create.

You don't know what the situation is: whether the child is inter-sexed, transexual, a developing crossdresser, or just a confused kid. You don't know if some abnormal family emotions might be going on. It isn't unheard of for a mother to harbor an unconscious wish to feminize her son, because she feels oppressed by men and wants to get even; if so, you just played right into it.

I hope you don't do that again.

Cathy
Wouldn't a lot depend on the age of the "child" A young boy in early adolecense may be confused etc but some body 16--18 has already formed most of what their gender identification will be--far better to accept her as she is then either ignore it or try to change it. bty I got the impression that the child in the example was older---late teens or so---

[KateW]

I also agree that it may not have been the best advice. While this would indeed be the ideal "fantasy" response from a parent, it may not be in the best interests of the child. I would definately recommend that some form of councilling is undertaken to find out how far the kid really wants to go with this.

[Cathy Anderson]

Wouldn't a lot depend on the age of the "child" ... I got the impression that the child in the example was older---late teens or so---
Cissy did say that the boy had been grounded, which implies he was old enough for that to apply.

Thinking about it more, I have to wonder if Cissy was set up. Since she knew Cissy was an active crossdresser, what kind of advice would the mother have expected besides "crossdressing is fine"?

She could have as easily asked a doctor, counselor, psychologist, or minister--all of whom would have given more cautious advice.

That aspect speaks to my concern: that one simply has no way of knowing what kinds of family dynamics are going on beneath the surface.

Cathy

[windycissy]

I know that many of you were genuinely troubled by the advice I gave to Sharon, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I've been very worried about it too...

Today Sharon took her son (dressed as Katie) to see a psychiatrist, a woman who was very thorough and talked to them individually and together. The doctor administered the COGNIATI test and although Katie didn't score high enough for the doctor to consider her truly transgendered in the classical sense, she feels there is reason to believe she would be happier living as a woman, even if she doesn't opt for GRS. The doctor discussed hormone therapy, which I think would be a good idea if Katie wants to have a shot at being an attractive woman. I've seen her pictures and she is gorgeous as a girl (she is in her teens and her features are still soft).

The doctor strongly suggested that Sharon refer to her as Katie and think of her as her daughter. She suggested home schooling for Katie and said it would be preferable to move to another neighborhood so Katie could make a new start. If they decide to do this, then they could be a little less careful about hiding her from the neighbors since it would be good for Katie to experience negative as well as posititve reactions. She also said they should tell close friends and family as long as Katie is sure this is something she wants to do. She said Katie needs some female friends and that she strongly identifies with some of Sharon's friends and asked how she felt about introducing Katie to them as her daughter.

Sharon is in a daze but she feels much better knowing that her instincts about her son were right. I can't tell you how much I've been impressed by the courage and dignity she has shown through all this. She has never felt closer to her child, and although there is a difficult road ahead, I think they're going to make it. Anyway, at least they're getting professional advice, I think I'll stick to makeup and fashion tips from now on - my nerves are shot....

Ask Windy Cissy (http://snurl.com/askwindy)

[Sharon]

You know where I said "maybe or maybe not" in my previous post? I would like to change that to "maybe not." Sorry, Windy, but this is sounding more and more like it was lifted straight from a fiction story site.

I still think your original advice was potentially valuable for some other readers, however. :)

[Kimberley]

You might have just saved someone's life and kept a family together.
Way to go!

[DanaJ]

OK, here is my two cents - I really really doubt that any psychiatrist (I didn't hear that this was a gender specialist) is going to base any real results on the COGNIATI test (which changes almost every time you take it). And based on one appointment this psychiatrist suggested hormone therapy? Sorry..... cast my vote as very doubtful....

[Abby Lauren]

I think that for the mother to have dressed up her son is far different from telling him that she loves him regardless of how he's dressed. Encouraging her to actively involve herself in his decisons may unduly influence him at this tender age. He should still be able to decide any way he chooses and to change his mind whenever he feels he's in over his head.
He may have ended up this way anyway but it should have been his autonomous decision. He will have to live with the consequences more so than his mother.
The psychiatrist leaves a great deal to be desired by deciding about transition by a GOGIATI. That smacks of malpractice or at least very poor practice. Especially with an impressionable teenager, one needs to have great patience before arriving at a decision that could be irreversible.
Windycissy, you are a very sweet person but I think you were very much over your head on this one.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I'm with Abby on this one. I think it's worth a second opinion from another therapist. Recommending such major changes based on a single visit -- and a test that can easily return the desired result -- seems reckless to me.

Unfortunately, it does seem like it's taking a turn for the fantastic. Cissy, I think it's time to consider the possibility someone is yanking your chain. God knows we see enough poseurs here.

[kathy gg]

Hormones and moving to a new city after one visit with a therapists? It all sounds soo very fishy. I know two pychiatrists, personally. One is actually a specialist in gender counseling in Toronto. I can tell you right off that no therpist/pychiatrist/or pycologist would recomend moves that drastic after only having a few visits with a patient. It just does not happen that way. When it comes to issues involving minors these things are very carefully orcastrated.

Again, if this Dr. is a complete quack or wanting a lawsuit on his/her hands things do not happen so fast. I have heard of therapists getting overzealos on treating crossdressers and then get them on a fast track without properly getting to know the patient. Didn't Julie who used to be on list suggest her therapist was too eager to get her down that srs road? So I mean it does happen, but with not so great results.

While youths do get diagnosed with gender confusion/transexualism and other issues related to gender these things take more than a handful of visits. The idea of getting a young teen on hormones without fully weighing the overall consequences just woudl not happen so quickly without time to be diagonosed properly.

Regardless of how "supportive" the parent is, most any real and qualified pychiatrist or therapist would never suggest things like this so quickly. Maybe after a few months of therapy. But not this fast. That is just the reality of doing things right and the proper way.

Windy, I dont' care how many photos this person sends you, this reeks of make believe. Or, if this is really happening, well God help that poor child. I would start suggesting a second opinion if you still really believe the story you are getting told. I just cannot imagine any mother being willing to go along with a first opinion from a Dr. on this. My God, I even got a second opinion when I wanted braces for my teeth!

Please know I am not criticizing you personally. I think you are doing and acting on what you feel from your heart. It is all kind and sweet. But isn't there just a tiny part of your B.S. detector that feels like they are being told a tale?

You seem like a smart rational person and I am sure you don't want to think you are being 'had' by a person with an active imagination. But ya know, I would be very very curious to see if this Mom would forward on the name of the Dr. Maybe say you want to have a reference if he is helpful in case you get other people with similiar problems. If she can produce a real Dr.'s name then maybe this is really real. I just know amazing things are possible with photo-shop.

sorry to sound so cynical....

kathy in canada

[windycissy]

The skeptics among you may be right, probably are.... but what if you're wrong?

The way I see it, there are three possible scenarios:

1. This whole thing is a scam and I am an idiot. As far as I'm concerned, that's a price worth paying if there is any chance that this could be for real.

2. The photos weren't doctored and the mother is telling the truth, but the psychiatrist who evaluated Katie is guilty of malpractice because the skeptics here know better. So Sharon really is a caring mother who desperately needs help, and who (with my urging) went with her son to a psychiatrist who gave her best professional advice...do you really think it would be resposible for me to sow seeds of doubt about the psychiatrist? Do you honestly think you have a better handle on the situation that a doctor who evaluated her patient and a mother who knows and loves her child?

3. The skeptics are wrong and the doctor and Katie's mother are doing their best. If there is any chance that this is the case, that's good enough for me.

Windy

[Billijo49504]

Windy, I got tired of reading, but I aploud you for your advice. If it was just BS, so be it. If not, and it was true, I liked your answer. And if it was Bs, then shame on that person,and good for you.

[Helen MC]

This is just too contrived and to my mind it's from Fantasy Island.